Today my head is all over the place. I planned to contact him and arrange a meet up but every time I think of doing it, fear takes over and I bail out.

I sent a bday message to his sister, given that she messaged me last wk and she sent back a pic of celebrating with her niece. Her other brother was with her and I then I wondered had my ex headed over for some winter sun to celebrate with her too and then now I feel dreadfully sad.

I realise I have been keeping hope alive and I don’t know how to kill it. I can’t imagine him doing things that I don’t know about or am involved in. If I did meet up with him, I wouldn’t be begging to reunite but I still want to talk to him.

It’s been three months and almost all my thoughts are of him. I’ve been trying to think more lately of all the times he let me down or I didn’t get enough from him to try and offset the Rose-tinted glasses but not really working.

I don’t know how to be happy in a life that doesn’t involve him. Sad an all as that might sound.

Now that reality has dawned, I’m extremely anxious. Actually, not so much anxious as downright scared. I’m even thinking of backing out. Is it a bad idea, why did I feel provoked to do it. The impetus that spurred me to finally do it, seems to have faded completely, only to be replaced with fear.

The last three months have been tough, I don’t want to go back to square one. I have never ever stopped thinking about him, but at least, with no pictures and no run-ins with him, his exact features are kind of fuzzy in my mind. Now they will be in full technicolour later. Also, I think I’m uncomfortable with his choice of location, a hotel near me. It’s public and also in my territory in a way, I don’t want to cast a shadow over my local area which I frequent regularly.

I have no clear idea of what I want to say or achieve, it’s honestly like the wind has gone out of my sails and I’m scared now.

Kkasxo,

ya see, my ex was never very natural when I was vulnerable. He would have done anything for me, but became extremely unsettled and worried when I would ever be upset. So this is going to be a tricky interaction.

He arranged the meeting so so because he wants to get it over and done with. I know him, I know he thought he was free of any more anguish by ending it 3 months ago.

When I debated each day for so long about contacting him I felt I had so many things to say or to ask- but do you think I can think of ONE of those things at the moment?!!! Nope.

I’m like a deer in headlights, no idea what to say or do. Eek.

Kkasxo,

Ill do my best. I’m just so scared of feeling like the world is ending again after. But I need to take my own advice- feel the fear and do it anyway. I’m always telling people to follow that route.

I will try and remember what I wanted to say. I know I feel so hurt and disappointed. I feel he’ll assert that he was just trying to secure his own happiness and there isn’t really a lot you can say to that.

I also have a therapy session before our meetup so hopefully that’ll help. I guess I’ve tried to minimise the pain on a daily basis on a manageable way for the past three months while now I’m heading straight into the fire like a fool!

I just hope I’m not too broken after. I’ll be on here straight after x

Morning,

It was late when I got home last night and I was exhausted. Basically I don’t really know how the meetup went. I think I need to process it yet. On the surface it went fine. Better than fine in some ways. My ex and I laughed and joked like we always have and everything felt easy. It felt easy being in his company.

My therapist suggested not going into it with too many ideas of how exactly I wanted it to turn out so that’s the approach I took. I was funny and quick witted and mocked him a little at times for the way he deals with things and he laughed.

He seemed extremely worried about me and says he’s always available to talk to if I need to. We talked about family and things that have been happening in our lives and I think he felt terrible for me that there has been a few bereavements and upsetting events in my life since we split.

The moments where he opened up were few and far between. He could be laughing and joking with me one minute and then I ask him a serious question and his face changes and he went almost silent with a furrowed brow. He says everyone he knows has told him to cop on and that he’s made a mistake. His mum was extremely upset for a while when she found out we had split.

At the end of the day he admitted he wasn’t ready and he felt that being in a relationship was hard and he didn’t think it was meant to be that hard. He said the fact that he ended up ringing a psychologist in the final days of our relationship made him look back in hindsight and think ‘what on earth am I doing, making out there is a huge problem here when I’m just not ready’. He said that really made him question why he was doing all these things he didn’t feel comfortable with. He felt his time was no longer his own and that he wasn’t in control of things. I think that’s a big thing for him….control. Not unlike myself really. He said he felt pressure and didn’t like it. I explained that maybe there was pressure from me but that wasn’t unnatural in a relationship with a man I love for 4 years, it’s natural to want to move on. He said he knows that.

I asked him what he meant when he said he saw me in his future. He said he meant what he said. I asked, what does that mean and he replied ‘just what you said’…..I asked him was he speaking in riddles and he just shook his head and said no.

He said he has seen one or two of my family and friends around, at a distance.

He injured himself at work and had been in my neck of the woods for treatment over the past number of weeks. He said he was keeping his head down and just working for the past few months. He went abroad for a week but it rained every single day. He went to London for a show but when he got there his ticket was not valid…so I joked that these are all karma! Including his injury. He wondered if I had a baseball in my bag to tackle him.

I told him that it’s been hard for me and while I’m doing loads of things myself, I’m drained from thinking about him every day. He said he has been thinking about me every day too. He said he did what he thought was the right thing to do by breaking up with me and that it was the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. I asked him what would make him happy and he said he still doesn’t know. I asked did he want to live at home, did he want to change job, stay in job etc, what would make him fulfilled in life? He said he has no idea and can’t figure it out. I agreed that it can be very difficult to figure that out as I’m having the same difficulty to some extent.

I told him I deserve to live a life where I’m not drained and crying a lot and he agreed. I told him I feel what we had was special and that there were issues but I wouldn’t have stayed in it unless I believed we could work them out and that I value who I am. (Even if I don’t feel it right now!!) I told him that I get angry sometimes at what he has let go and that he’s an idiot.

Basically there was a lot of joking again etc and I tried to keep the tears at bay. (Public place) but they came out at times. He sat in front of me and I felt he was using restraint not to reach out and comfort me. I found it hard to be so close to him too. He said I look really good and I repaid the compliment. His pupils were dilated for the whole evening, but I bet mine were the same.

But all the good things, were peppered with the sad and heartbreaking sentences too. He walked me to my car in the rain and we hugged, I said I’d give him a kiss and he presented his cheek. He again said I can talk to him any time and I explained that that’s not really a possibility, he disagreed and I disagreed and he joked that I always have to have the last word.

When I got in my car, he asked if I wanted to speak to him over Xmas and I said I didn’t know and he said no problem, to have a think about it.

This morning, writing this all down, I don’t know what to think. Firstly, I didn’t get closure I guess, that’s my first assessment. I didn’t remember all the things I meant to ask him either, but my therapist said not to worry too much about that. Have I still some hope? Yes. So I guess the interaction didn’t help me in one way. I’m confused. I don’t know if he was trying to be his kind, gentleman type self and just worried about the impact his actions had on me or if he still has feelings for me. I got the sense he does, but nonetheless, not ones he’s willing to change his actions for, or I don’t know.

He said when we were hugging goodbye that he’s still working on trying to figure things out.

Sorry for the long post. It’s hard to condense three hours.

Hi Kkasxo,

It’s starting to go round my head a little more today as I processed nothing last night at all. Just fell asleep.

I can’t say my ex sees a future with me to be honest, when I referenced that, I meant he said that in the past and I wanted to know what he meant back then when he said it. He gave me no indication that there would be anything further with us ever again.

As I said, I feel he only suggested speaking at Xmas because he knows I find it a hard time of year due to previous bereavements.

So basically, I’m not sure how to feel. Are we done, can I move on now? Is there some glimmer of hope? Did I totally read the situation wrong?! No clue. Some other questions re-entered my head OF COURSE after I had left him! I couldn’t think of any in his presence, typical!

I messaged him when I got home to say thanks for meeting me and that he looked really good (there seemed to be a bit of electricity when we met) and then told him to look after his injury and take care. He just responded by saying ‘you too’.

I do believe he loves me, but I don’t think he’s ready to accept that. Also, I think the love is as much love as he is capable of giving, but is less than what is possible –  according to other people’s opinions and my therapists advice.

I wish I was in a position to be happy to explore new possibilities but I’m not. The thoughts of even going on a date with some random stranger feels absolutely something I would hate.

I guess I didn’t ask what I wanted to/should have asked. Is there a chance for us in the future. But I was conscious of not putting too much pressure on our interaction and not expecting too much from the outcome. So I let it lie. Maybe that’s a cop out, maybe I just was too afraid to hear the answer – I don’t know. I guess I’m trying to be self aware.

He is incredibly stubborn, like no-one I’ve ever met. So even if his family pushed him to change his mind, he wouldn’t. He fundamentally believes he did the right thing and he can’t make himself feel something he doesn’t feel. So he’s not gonna get back into something where the outcome will be the same and he will feel restricted and unhappy.

In fairness he told me of lots of silly crappy things that have happened to him lately and I felt a small measure of contentment at his discomfort which I joked about! Karma sometimes works out! He attended his work Xmas party last weekend and went for a nap in his hotel while his colleagues were eating dinner as it was an event for partners aswell and he didn’t want to highlight that he was single but he said they all figured it out by the end of the night.