Home→Forums→Relationships→Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up
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January 14, 2019 at 12:22 pm #274537
ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
I don’t think guys think as much about things as we do. Even in a very emotional situation, so your ex might reach a point of trying to get on with things, but that doesn’t mean he’s getting OVER things. So I wouldn’t worry about that. Even if you didn’t hear from him for a while, I’d say his feelings won’t have changed too much in a period of time.
Thats a very good idea to do something to make you accept the date a little easier and not as frightening. If you embrace it, it might not scare you as much.
I would say my ex was probably trying to be polite if I’m honest. I didn’t get the sense it was because he doesn’t care but rather he feels there is no point in the sense that it might cause more pain. I do miss him though, and am also annoyed that he couldn’t feel more!!!
The facial was heaven. Absolute heaven. I think I feel asleep- I was sooooo relaxed. Note to self- repeat regularly!!! I’m staying with my sister tonight and her toddler is teething and beyond clingy and she is almost 9 months pregnant and both parents are exhausted from sleepless nights, but I can’t do much as he still only wants mummy and daddy! Poor things!
Im glad you get some sort of reprieve hopping into bed, I’m gonna do the same soon! Hopefully you’ll get to sleep before 2am tonight! I’m the same- rattling around my own head most nights!!!
January 14, 2019 at 1:07 pm #274541
KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Yes I agree, men are just generally less emotional beings. The issue with that is the last time when he tried to ‘get over it’ and ‘ignore his feelings’ he decided to follow everyone’s advice and date. Idiot.
But I guess if he chooses to do that again that is out of my control.
I’m so glad you enjoyed your facial. What did you have done? I need to invest in those too but unfortunately struggling with acne at the moment. So strange, I have never ever had problem skin and now in my mid twenties I can’t handle it? I say that’s my bodies way of saying STOP THE STRESS NOW IVE HAD ENOUGH!!! So I’ve got to wait to finish my course of antibiotics and all these lotions the go prescribed me before I can go for any facial!
My way of treating myself tonight was to enjoy a drink and create loads of before& after pictures of my weight loss to pick me up a little.
Aww bless your little nephew! You’re so lucky that you have your whole family near you! What I would do to be snuggled to my god son on a night like this, but unfortunately they’re abroad!
I’m hoping to hang out for a little longer (i’ve past the tired stage) and hopefully tire myself out some more and then head to sleep!
January 14, 2019 at 1:20 pm #274543ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Yes I agree, he would be an idiot. But that’s something we can’t do anything about. My ex’s best friend feels he made the wrong decision too but I still have no doubt he will have started or will soon started egging on my ex so ‘get out there again’ and enjoy his single life. 🙁 The heartbreak.
I have had a look at online dating on the advice of MY friends and let me tell you, it has not only bolstered my opinion that my ex was amazing but also bolstered my belief that I will never meet another! Not a lot to choose from from what I could see!
My nephew honestly has kept me going since HeartbreakDay1. He gave me enough of a glimmer every day to pull me from the edges of hell. I love him beyond anything in the world and I’m eternally grateful for my family who I love and adore.
Hopefully you’ll tire out soon, I’m trying to put aside my phone earlier in a bid to try and sleep better. I sleep enough hours….overall. But honestly it’s such unsettled sleep, I don’t feel rested. Also doing my meditation hoping it will help as I’ve let it slip a bit in recent weeks.
I wish I knew what my purpose was in life. I feel I had found it when I loved my ex. That it’s to love and be loved in return, but now I’m still neither here nor there. Hoping to bring my Dad to Scotland for a few days in March so maybe I should get to planning that….
January 14, 2019 at 2:51 pm #274549KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Believe me, I know, my friends too convinced me to try the whole online dating thing. I think I logged on for 30 minutes and just felt sick at the thought.. what has happened to this generation? I think that’s part of what is so scary about being on your own. Am I going to have to eventually get onto dating apps to find my potential happy ever after? Scary thought. I suppose maybe it’s easier for men, it certainly worked as a great distraction for my ex it appears – ugh, the thought makes me sick!!
I can imagine your nephew is a little light at the end of your tunnel, my little sister does that for me (she’s 8) and I love her to bits.
I too wish I could just fast forward to the part where I am unconditionally happy, sat on my cosy sofa snuggled up to my husband and I think ah this is bliss! Now I see why I had to go through everything that I went through. Instead, I just want to reach out to my ex even if it is just for a moment of comfort..
January 15, 2019 at 2:57 am #274609KkasxoParticipantMorning all,
I am struggling with terrible anxiety this morning. My heart literally feel’s like it is beating out of my chest and I have tried to breathe right through it and bring myself back to the here and now but unfortunately unable to control the physical effects. I feel scared. I nearly text him too just because I feel like I may physically pass out at any minute. But I didn’t text in the end..
I hope you are all having a better morning than me!
January 15, 2019 at 3:08 am #274613ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Just out a meeting. How are you doing? Remember the number one thing about anxiety……it’s lies. It tells you something bad is about to happen, that you are in trouble. But you’re not, you’re okay, you got up and functioned this morning and made it to work (I think). I’m here with you, just don’t try to fight the anxiety -sometimes I talk to it – if I feel it in my tummy, I place my hand on my tummy and say thank you – I know you are just trying to protect me and that’s ok. I’ll be okay and this too shall pass.
You’re doing amazing….look how far you have come. A LONG way. Far further than you give yourself credit for and I promise you will be ok. It might just be a lot of emotion cropping up with no outlet at the moment so it’s causing you anxiety.Focus on something that is right in front of you, read the words on a highlighter or what make stapler you have….
January 15, 2019 at 3:27 am #274615
MichelleParticipantHey, morning guys.
Kkasxo – you ok now? Well done on not texting, it’s hard not to reach out for the old and familiar when scared. Big hug for managing to get through it by yourself. Do you have any idea what triggered it? It was interesting reading your thoughts about how you’ve got mostly through without contact – and even when you did see him it sounds like it went differently to how such an evening would have unfolded in the past, which is encouraging for sure as it’s the only real way I know of out of unhealthy painful patterns. Did you consider that perhaps instead of subconsciously trying to push him to be the one again to say it’s done, since that’s easier in it’s bizarre way to deal with – perhaps you are actually now worrying about when/if he will do so and if you should go back to your usual behaviour before he does so. The heart & mind do tend to panic each time you venture out of what is “safe and known” even when they know that staying where they are is not a happy place or giving them what they want/need. Perhaps now is not the right time, especially with your date coming up, but I’ve found that like most things, the more you go outside your comfort zone on little things, the easier it gets when it comes to the big ones when needed.
Hey Shelby – you do sound tonnes better but I do totally get how lonely you still feel. Getting through events where everyone else was in cosy couples was hell for me, so well done on getting through them. As ever, one day at a time, it’s all anyone can do.
A little curious you have both commented on how finding the right man will solve your happiness/security. Absolutely, snuggling up on the sofa with my man is one of my favourite things among many and my heart will indeed burst with happiness ( sorry, that might not help right now but you’ll get there… ) . But he’s not the only person or thing which makes that happen for me and I know our relationship wouldn’t be nowhere near as good as it is if all my happiness and security depended on him. That was the big lesson going through this painful process – I had to learn to be able to be happy & secure by myself before any relationship stood a chance of being the kind of amazing, adding to my life experience that it is now. Hope that makes some sense.
And if it helps – when I eventually felt ready – I didn’t touch internet dating with the proverbial bargepole….
January 15, 2019 at 4:25 am #274617KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I feel the anxiety mainly in my heart because I can feel the physical repercussions of it, my heart going 100 miles an hour, as a result my breathing increasing and at one point I started shaking/shivering uncontrollably. My resolve was to try and do some breathing exercises to calm my heart rate down and also just to try and bring me back in the here and now. Unfortunately, the heart rate continues, it almost feels like heart palpitations but at least the shakes have stopped. I’m just trying to throw myself into work to keep distracted but can constantly feel my heart..
Michelle – Yes it is extremely difficult to withhold contact when your body irrationally tells you that you are in trouble. At one point it got so desperate like I NEED to contact otherwise I will pass out and then God knows what will happen next! I journaled instead, as if it was a text directed straight to him and left it at that. I honestly can’t pin point what brought it on. It doesn’t often happen to me but I recall having this exact same feeling, the heartrate, breathing and shakes when I first found out that my ex had been withholding the truth about his past.. Built up anger maybe? Fear? No clue. Maybe subconsciously I am thinking about the fact that he is a quite rational person and there will come a time where he will say ‘It’s okay, I get it, you want me to leave you alone, I accept that’ and he will move right on.. Perhaps this is bring up all of the anxiety/extreme feelings I felt around the time of our initial split when he went from being the best person on the planet to someone so emotionally distant, cold and adamant there is no longer an us within the space of a few days (because that is how he copes with things). He seemed to have crossed us out so easily and quickly and I recall him explaining to me after that it was a defence mechanism because my behaviour towards him prior to the split was confusing, in his words ‘one minute I wanted him and the next I didn’t. Of course I see this very differently but nonetheless, maybe I do worry that the up and down will result once more in him simply leaving. Am I ready for him to leave? Or am I indeed pushing for him to leave because it’ll be easier for me to move forward that way?
To add to the comment about finding the right man to solve happiness/security. This is a major issue for me. See, before I met my ex I was single for a long time, completely out of choice. I was all ‘I am completely and utterly happy on my own’ and ‘a relationship would only be an addition to my already amazing life’ and I genuinely loved my life. I was so happy within myself that I knew anything else would just be a bonus. And I can quite honestly say that throughout the years of being with him I have completely lost that, completely and utterly. He IS my happiness. He IS my motivation. He IS my drive. That is just what it is. And this gives me no hope for the future, because I could probably go on and on this self-loving journey once more, discovering happiness in life as a single woman like I did before and then loose it all again in my future relationship.. Maybe it is just the kind of person that I am? A hopeless romantic who genuinely believes I need a partner to make me happy. Maybe it goes down to what I want from my life? When you speak of happiness in life and goals etc many of my friends would say they want a great career, to travel, to go to festivals etc in other words experience the world and life. My goals? I am not career focused, I don’t want to travel, yes I want to enjoy life but above all I want to be a wife, a mother and a home maker. I want a simple life with my husband and my children. That is when I feel I will be truly fulfilled and happy with my life. So maybe everything I do is continuously try to work towards that?
January 15, 2019 at 5:23 am #274623MichelleParticipantHey – so wanting what you want instead of goals or expectations others may think you should want is absolutely good, whatever it is. It’s all too easy to get sucked into thinking you want something because of external influences, not truly what your heart wants or needs. It’s your life to make the most of!
Having had the experience of being happy with yourself before this relationship means you are way ahead of where I was. What would be interesting to hear is why you lost that feeling in this relationship, instead of it adding to your happiness as you would both hope and want. I would hazard a guess that figuring out why this man became your everything, your happiness, your motivation, your drive but at the same time why the relationship didn’t add value to your life as you expected would be hugely helpful to either trying again at this one or a future relationship. Life is always going to be throwing things at us to deal with – if you look at healthy, happy, loving marriages with families you can see that they are based on being able to share openly, honestly, both bad and good and work through it all, instead of hoping no bad stuff happens or ignoring it.
For example, I was brought up in a tiny village in a strong people pleasing environment – so it was incredibly hard for me to (1) figure out what I actually wanted myself and not just want what others thought was best/normal for me and then (2) be able to deal with the panic that confronting people, especially those I loved the most, brought when I needed to disagree or do something different to what they expected/wanted. As a bit of a natural empath, my entire mood could shift depending on external things, including my partner. So I learnt how to eventually look to look internally instead and it brings a kind of calm to me as well as having improved all my relationships no end. When shit happens, it’s kinda like having a safe place within yourself to consider and then respond, not just react and be buffeted about. This is what I was trying to get at, not just being happy being single but being able to look within yourself for happiness first and then share it with others. It probably sounds daft but it’s helped me loads.
Would probably be a lot easier to chat about over a pint though – pity I’m doing dry Jan too!
January 15, 2019 at 5:44 am #274627ShelbyvilleParticipantMichelle,
Thanks for the advice and yes I do sound better, whether I feel better is a different story. I may revert back to previous behaviour again, who knows? But all I can do is take it one day at a time. I never felt that a man held the key to my happiness before I met my ex, then I fell head over heels for him and our future together became my priority – it was my happy ending. Don’t worry, i don’t see a man as key to my happiness now again, rationally speaking, but nonetheless, the loss of that man has taken away any feelings of happiness for now. For how long I don’t know.
Kkasxo,
Ah the good old palpitations….I’ve been there. It’s just fear. It’s ok, it might not be connected to something specific today, it could be ‘free-floating’ anxiety building up over time with everything you have had to deal with.Going into the bathroom and breathing in for 7, holding for 4 and breathing out for 9….can help and don’t focus on the heart beats while breathing, focus on the breath, like it’s a piece of long string. Also, can you get out of the office for 20 mins and briskly walk to work off the adrenaline and cortisone that the heart is pumping….remember, it’s just a physical reaction and you can waste away that energy – the gym this evening would be a good bet.
I know you’re scared. I was scared too. If he stops talking to you then you’re in new territory again and have to make your way on your own and that’s not familiar. The pain and drama with him might not be pleasant but it’s familiar. But you CAN do this, you HAVE been doing this. Strong lady, you’re stronger than you think – that doesn’t mean being Serena Williams strong, it means when you’re brittle and broken and barely able to breathe, you choose you and what’s best for you – that’s real strength and so far, you have done that. x
January 15, 2019 at 5:47 am #274629ShelbyvilleParticipantLol, how many are doing dry January?!!! Will be all crack open a bottle of vino the first of Feb?!!
January 15, 2019 at 6:34 am #274641KkasxoParticipantShelby,
Luckily I am finishing work in the next half hour so will go home and try some meditation/breathing exercises maybe. I think gym would definitely be a good idea although I don’t know if I’ve got the physical strength or will to even go. I haven’t been going recently and instead just settling for home workouts instead. We will see how the rest of the day pans out!
Haha dry January is such a myth for me right now! I am definitely enjoying a casual drink here and there even more so recently! I remember you mentioned laying off the alcohol for a while since the split – good on you!
January 15, 2019 at 8:09 am #274675ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Even a home workout will expend the extra hormones and chemicals in your body- they just need somewhere to go is all. So go for it!
I have had the odd glass of wine here and there, family dinners etc but nothing that would make me merry and loosen my self restraint and therefore appear like a drunk loon to my ex! It hasn’t been too much of a problem cos I have not been in the form anyway to go out and party.
I’m looking forward to this weekend- taking my little sister on a ‘babymoon’ in a luxury hotel by the sea ahead of the arrival of baby number 2. Just a wee break for her. I love this hotel, I have stayed there with my ex, but also a few times on my own and other times with friends. Oh the days when I used to travel all over the world alone and it didn’t knock the stuffing out of me. Those days seem far away now, I just miss him. Having said that, I’m now not missing the disappointment and arguments/awkward conversations as much – in the beginning, I would have missed him regardless of everything!
Kkasxo, I’m just wondering. The trauma was in spring but ye didn’t split till summer. What was the intervening period like with your ex?
January 15, 2019 at 10:05 am #274713KkasxoParticipantShelby,
I am still trying to convince myself to work out but instead I’ve run myself a hot bath and am relaxing (slightly backwards haha) so we’ll see if the workout happens. I feel a tad bit better in regards to anxiety, my heart rate is still increased but at least I can’t notice my heart completely beating out of my chest – all hail breathing exercises!
Yes, so the intervening period. When we first faced the issue it was difficult, extremely difficult and very soon we turned from perfect couple to two people that couldn’t and didn’t want to hear or understand one another. We spent maybe a total of three/four weeks arguing, bickering, I felt like I saw a completely new side to him, as did he about me I’m sure. However despite all of the arguments we were still very much in love. Reassuring one another that we can pull through anything, that as long as we have one another we’ll be okay. I remember quite clearly crying to him saying I’m sure he’ll leave me. He laughed pulled me in close and said ‘Silly! I would never leave you! You’re stuck with me’. And I’m sure only days later he actually left. He left and didn’t come back. He wouldn’t see me, wouldn’t speak with me – it all got too much for him and he withdrew, as I do now. That to me was the point at which we split up. Then the lack of communication/light communication continued that way for about two months or so until he finally showed up again.
On that note, he is definitely in desperation mode as he has admitted this to a friend of mine. He reached out to her earlier on asking for advice as he ‘cannot get through to me’ and ‘he doesn’t want to lose me’. Very desperate indeed. He did also confirm that he booked the weekend for the 1st of February and that that’s all sorted so I don’t have to worry about it and he hopes to see me before then. I didn’t reply.
Yes I remember you mentioned the baby moon some weeks back! That sounds so lovely! Honestly what I would do to get away and just be somewhere quiet! When is your sister due? Do you know if you’re having a niece or a nephew? This is all exciting!
Dont worry about the travelling! Believe it or not you are doing much better than you think and before you know it you’ll be back out there seeing the world!
January 15, 2019 at 10:56 am #274719ShelbyvilleParticipantKkasxo,
Well done on keeping up the breathing, and a bath is just as good as anything to relax you!
Its incredible difficult to have gone through the bickering phase when before that ye had been so happy together. I can completely empathise with that, believe me. It’s been a tricky road for you but you’ve almost reached a year- are still alive, friends, family, gym, solid job….now that’s something to be grateful for. Well done you.
Yes your ex is desperate this time. It’s a good thing and a bad thing- good, because it means he’s growing somewhat because he’s accepting how he feels now rather than blocking it out and moving past it. Maybe less good cos it means he keeps trying to contact you and perhaps you need space to think and process.
You know you will see him in a few weeks for the date anyway so I don’t think there is a major panic to get in contact now. You’re doing really well and hopefully each day you become more resilient.
My sister is due mid-Feb and no-one knows the gender so it’ll be a complete surprise! Poor thing is so uncomfortable now and slowing down, but she’s good other than that.
I don’t know where my future is going right now. I know I need to leave my job at some point, I realise I’m exploited in there. But it’s familiar for me at the moment.
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