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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 1,130 replies, has 31 voices, and was last updated by  Michelle 2 days, 5 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1,096 through 1,110 (of 1,133 total)
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  • #288977

    X
    Participant

    Hi, Michelle,

    So I posted a short and a long version.

    Since I was writing the long version afresh looking back at the men I have dealt with in my life so far, I would say it should be a passable attempt to summarise how it starts for me.

    For that particular issue of mine, given so much info and so many details and all the different angles that I used to look at them, I came to the conclusion that everything is random. This is actually my new outlook on life as of two or three years ago, my new personal philosophy – that the Universe is ruled by chaos (actually, not too far from what physics says). One can always come up with examples supporting or refuting every single life occurrence and anything that may seem to be a confirmed consistent pattern or regularity if one wishes so.

    This is why I am saying that if I go through an X number of men, sooner or later I should be able to meet somebody who would be a match (or may be not – pure chance). I don’t really have a list of qualities to put check marks against. It is more like I know what I don’t want, but everything else is okay provided that I can imagine myself with him.

    But I may be wrong.

    That is why I am so interested in what you would say if you knew all my little and not so little peculiarities.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    #289279

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    How are you doing? I haven’t heard from you in a little while! I hope all is well and you are giving yourself the well deserved rest following a busy period!

    #289333

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo,

    Hi there, oh if only I were resting! My lack of posting is a mere reflection of the lack of hours in the day. I’ve been non-stop going & a few months ago, that’s ALL I wanted- to  stay occupied, but now it’s a lot.

    Work is chaotic busy & my course is demanding & trying to get to see all my friends & spend time with family, and do other bits and pieces, I just wonder will it ever slow down again?! I have, however discovered online grocery delivery….I had to find ways to lessen the load on my plate- it’s miraculous! Who knew?!!

    But I’m tired a lot. Ex still in South America. How are you doing hun?

    #290049

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

     

    Just checking in. A bit of a ‘meh’ day arguing with family.

    How are you Kkasxo?

    #290227

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Shelby.

    All good here, awesome Easter weekend, sunny and everything, unheard of!  I suppose like Christmas, Easter can get a bit much if you spent all the time together.  Trust it didn’t end badly at least.

    Booked my flights to South Africa for later this year so now excitedly figuring out where to go & stay.

    @kkasxo – how was the holiday for you? Hope you got to get out and enjoy the sunshine too and perhaps make some progress on figuring out your way forwards, leaving those anxieties behind. Still here to help however I can.

    #290291

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Michelle,

    Wow you don’t hang about! South Africa already? It’ll be incredible no doubt!

    The family rows were silly & small but upset me at the time but it’s all fine now. There was no big clearing of the air or apologies, we just kind of….went back to talking about ordinary things.

    I went to therapy today but I admit I’m very vulnerable at the moment because I’m laid up with pain and it always seems to get in on me, emotionally as well as physically.

    Im hoping to really rest tomorrow, fingers crossed!

    @kkasxo, miss you! Hope all is well.

    #290393

    Griff
    Participant

    Hi all, first of all I want to apologise that I don’t post here that often and when I do it’s only about my own issues, I guess when I have a period of feeling ok I tend to stay away because I don’t want to think about sad stuff, therefore it’s only when I’m feeling down that I come here. I’m gonna try to visit more often, even when I’m feeling good, because I think that’s healthy, but for now I’m feeling terrible and I need to post about it.

    Since I last posted I’ve started a new job and actually started seeing a new girl and for a bit there things were going ok, but now after the initial excitement of those wore off I’m feeling worse than ever. It feels like I’m doing what I’m supposed to do but none of it is helping, at least not permanently. It’s like I’m stuck in this awful pit of pain and I can’t see any way out. I actually (and this is something I’ve only shared with one close friend) googled suicide techniques, not because I want to kill myself exactly, just because I wanted to know that if I really really can’t take this pain any more then there is a way out. But I read that only 1 in 30something suicide attempts is actually successful and more often than not the person just ends up giving themselves some sort of horrible injury and making their life worse. So now I feel like even that isn’t an escape from this pain.

    I just want my ex back, I want our life back, I want to live in our house again, with our cats, planning our wedding, watching films on the weekend and talking about how each others day went etc. She ripped all of that away from me with no warning. She was my best friend and the person I trusted with my life and I never expected this to happen.

    Maybe if I’d at least slightly seen it coming I would be able to deal with it, but as far as I was aware everything was fine, better than ever even (we had got engaged 3 weeks prior, after all), then suddenly one night my world came crashing down. People keep comparing it to if she had suddenly died, but y’know what? It may be selfish but I think this is worse (for me) than if she had died. If she had died I would have kept the house (it was bought for us by her grandparents), I would have kept the cats (I can’t have one where I’m living now), I would have been able to stay in contact with her family (whom I love), her family and friends also would have been grieving so I wouldn’t been alone in all of this pain and most of all I wouldn’t have to deal with the thought that despite all the love I feel for her she just didn’t want to be with me. Like I say, I know that is a very selfish way to feel because obviously for her/her friends/her family etc. her dying absolutely wouldn’t be better, plus if I truly love her I should want her to be happy even without me etc. etc. etc. but that’s just how I feel at the moment.

    But despite how much she’s hurt me, I just want her back. I want to work on whatever issues we had and get back to our life, but unfortunately she would need to want to do that too, which clearly she doesn’t, and that kills me.

    Apologies for the ramble there, I hope the rest of you are doing better than I am at the moment.

    #291221

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Griff.

    Understand completely about how you feel about how it would have been easier if she had died.  That way, you would ‘only’ be dealing with the loss of her whereas you are dealing with the pain of being rejected and losing your whole life that was built around her as well as herself. It’s a triple-whammy and hits co-dependent, low self-esteem people particularly hard.

    Be assured though, having felt ok for a while, you will do so again. You are going through one more loop of facing the fear of having to accept this change.  Your brain is screaming at you to return to the known safety and comfort of your old life whilst simultaneously knowing it can’t. I went through many such loops but they lessened in both intensity and frequency eventually with time.  Eventually it becomes more of a dull sadness with acceptance and for me, eventually gratitude as part of determining who and where I am today.

    So wait it out and try to accept the fear – the more you fight it the longer it lasts and the stronger it gets. It is scary, your whole life has been turned upside down and so no wonder you are looking to cling to what what was, what was safe. Did something happen that especially spooked you, made you feel insecure in your new life? It often triggers such a loop of wanting to go backwards. But you are ok, you are doing ok at times, that is better than before. And so try to recognise this is as much about wanting to feel safe & secure again, as you did in your old life than it is about wanting her, though I understand the two are tightly wrapped together in your mind at the moment. Talk about your fears to others, on here, recognising and naming them and working through them is a way to weaken their grip on you.

    Take care and let us know how you get on, good and bad.

    @shelby. Yes, that’s me, onwards and upwards! Well, life is short as we’ve said so always trying to make the most of what I spend my time on and they were bargain flights.

    That’s families for you, we’ll just politely ignore all that and move on shall we…..back to normal please…glad no lasting damage though. And happy to hear you are back at therapy, hope it goes well and you have a good recovery day today.

    #291561

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Griff,

    I empathise with you, I really do. It’s horrendously difficult and something you are not ready to move on from yet. But continue doing the things you feel will help you maintain an okay life, until they don’t feel like a challenge anymore. Perhaps the new relationship is a little too soon until you deal with the pain of loss from the previous relationship.

    i know people say, move on, find someone who actually wants to invest in you. But I think you have to be ready for that with a whole and open heart and if you’re not there yet, just survive. As my therapist says, survival at times in an achievement. If you got hit by a bus and we’re laid up in hospital, everyone would support you and accept you need time to heal. Well you have been hit by a metaphorical bus, so just survive for now and hopefully the rest will come.

    Michelle,

    I don’t feel I’m benefitting as much from therapy right now as I have done in the past. I don’t know. I’m not moving forward, I’m not able to go back, I’m just, lost a little at the moment. And of course scared of being hurt again.

    I hope Kkasxo is doing ok.

    #291673

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Shelby.  Not too surprising about therapy I guess but your therapist should know when you are ready for a gentle push.  I imagine going forwards is still too scary for you for now.

    What I have done in the past to help loosen fear is to pick one small, tiny thing unrelated to what I was scared of at the time, something I would normally have decided wasn’t worth being assertive or confident on, letting it go or agreed to for the sake of not causing a confrontation with others or myself. And so I would pick this one tiny thing and then use it to practice, to show myself that I could do something scary and the world wouldn’t and didn’t cave in ( slight exaggeration clearly but you get the idea 😉 ). So it might have been as simple as speaking up in a big meeting, aware I’d be blushing madly, stomach screwed up in anxiety at doing so, that I was going to look stupid. But I’d do it anyway and sure enough, the world was fine, people would comment or not, the meeting carried on, I was fine.  Sounds stupid now but back then it was incredibly hard for me to think my opinion mattered, let alone stand up for it. But each time you do a small thing like that, it’s such a boost to your self-esteem to know you conquered it and it lessens the power of fear over you in all areas of your life.

    Perhaps that’s why you have plateaued now with therapy. Progress and growth is a mixture of learning and directed action.  Like training for a marathon, all the time in the world spent reading and talking to others for advice about how to train, what to eat, what trainers were best etc, would not get my feet actually on the road and running. Likewise, if I just dived in with no idea what I was doing, what my aim was and how I would be able to measure progress I’d probably make it through a couple of runs and then give up. It’s the combination of being able to take the learnings and advice, individually assess them as to your own values and come up with what you think is right for you – and then crucially – taking action.  It’s only by combining action with learning/thinking that we move forwards.  Worth thinking about and perhaps discussing with your therapist next time perhaps.

    I’m sure Kkasxo is doing ok, she is stronger than she knows even if she is panicking right about now about the impending house and family move. Be good to hear some of her funny and intelligent comments though for sure.

    How’s it going Griff?

    #291761

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Michelle,</p>
    Thats interesting. I didn’t actually know that’s how you build self esteem, I thought a lot of talking about stuff just kind of…’processes’ it….and that’s what we’re meant to do. You have given me new perspective!

    I do enjoy @kkasxo and her funny take on things sometimes which is not even intentional!! 🙂

    #291769

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Good evening all,

    Ever so sorry about the recent silence! It has been ever so hectic in Kammy world but I promise to catch up on all your posts and reply properly!

    So the low down on Kammy world! Here comes! I continued keeping busy looking for my place as that was top priority, viewings upon viewings and it got so tiring in the end. Things with Mr A we’re so up and down, as per usual, I got to a point where I just withdrew myself from the situation and focused on me and bam! He found a flat and put down a deposit… for us. Well what a bold statement Mr A! To my surprise, I actually fell in love with the place which was strange as every other place I had viewed was always ‘lovely’ or ‘nice’ But not home. This place I can picture being home, it feels like home.

    So ladies, as wary as I am, big test is coming my way and fast approaching with our move in date of the 3rd of June.

    The situation itself is full of humour if you ask me. I continuously tell him that WHEN (not if) we split up, he needs to do blah blah blah. I also have the everyday moment of doubt like ‘what the hell are you doing Kam?!’ But on the other hand I have little inklings of excitement (mainly because I LOVE the flat, don’t know how I feel about my room mate to be though hehe).

    Having discussed this with a few friends I’ve come to the conclusion that the worst has already passed. This is a test and the last one at that as I KNOW this is absolutely the last straw for us. We NEED to be away from his family to even remotely give things a go and that will not happen unless we move. And the back and forth of the situation of the last few months is absolutely not on anymore. I’m so tired of it, it just cannot continue. So we either give things a go and properly, or we do not. Either way, I’m of the view that this will make things absolutely crystal clear for the both of us. It will either work or it will not work. The decision to be together or not will show itself in the process.

    Epiphany moment approaching. I’ll either be pleasantly surprised or I’ll never doubt my gut feeling again. Lessons.

    I am nervous, anxious, but at the same time SO relieved that the end to this horrid chapter of my life is coming.

    Plus if/when we do split, hopefully I would’ve already adjusted to the idea of living on my own so it won’t be like going cold turkey moving alone & away from family. So I guess that’s a perk too right?

    Do I think I’m stupid? Possibly. Do I think this will work? Erm, I’m apprehensive. Do I think this is the right thing to do? Oh who knows girls! I’m absolutely winging this one!

    On another note, my therapy course is coming to an end an I am finding myself pondering about how far I’ve actually come… and if I’ve made any progress at all?! Hmm..

    Shelby, how have you been?! What is new with you? Is the ex back from his holiday now? How is your make up course? How is work? Have you booked that holiday to OZ yet?! I can’t wait to hear from you!

    Michelle, I am so jealous that you’ve got yet another holiday booked! Such a free spirit, I wish I could travel that much! How does it feel being back in the U.K.? The weather’s been so horrible since last weekend, so up and down, gave us a little taster of summer with the 25 degrees over the Easter weekend and then started pelting with rain for the remainder of the week!

    P.S I’ve missed you girls! I can’t go this long without communicating with you guys anymore!

    #291823

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey there! Kammy world, love it…

    Very very happy to hear you have found a flat you love and are excited about moving into, that’s awesome.  I totally get the ironic humour of the situation – it took the classic you pulling away again to make him step up and come forwards.   Quel surprise eh.  But hey, everything in life is about taking worthwhile risks – and this is a pretty good one to take in my view.  You guys need to try living together, like you say, away from his family & their influence on him. It will either work or it won’t and you know you will be ok either way.  But having the security of a home whilst you deal with your family leaving is huge, I’m really pleased you will be settled in time and can take one worry off the shoulders.  I think I said before but for me, it was always the pre-decision time that’s most stressful – once the decision is made and I’m committed, it’s just dealing with the good/bad as it comes.

    Funny you are also wondering about therapy like Shelby.  If you get the right person, they clearly can help see things differently and provide a safe space to talk through things you don’t want to or can’t share with people close to you. But I do think it’s often forgotten or not talked about that for growth to happen it takes action as well as learning.

    Yeah – my crazy world eh!  Although I know I have worked my proverbial off to get here, I do pinch myself most days as to how lucky I am and remind myself to make the most of it and not worry about all the myriad of things that could ruin it. Doubtlessly there will be days ahead with cr@p to deal with but I’ll deal with those when/if they arrive and not before.  You will laugh but I have to think of these trips as ‘travel’ not ‘holidays’ since it’s more like living our normal lives but just exploring them in a different country for a while – otherwise I’d be hugely fat and near alcoholic pretty quickly!

    It was defn a shock both culture and weather-wise coming back to the UK. Easter was a lovely time but yeah, very glad to be leaving again on Sunday for Granada. I just like being free, being outside in the warm and exploring, it’s not easy for me being inside too long or doing things that clearly have no value – a big part of why I had to dream up and put into action this plan of how to leave office life.

    Good to have you back, missed you too – look forwards to our next installment of Kammy-World!

    #291871

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Michelle,

    I can absolutely imagine that you worked your a** off to get here but how rewarding! What a wonderful place to be knowing that you can live a free life exploring the world, different people, different countries. Sounds like pure bliss to me!

    It’s interesting you mentioned that you can’t be stuck too long doing things that clearly have no value, oh my how I can relate! I think if it weren’t for my current job i’d be out there exploring too and away from the mundane everyday life. Please send us updates as you do! So apart from Granada, any more trips planned this year?

    Yes Kammy world is definitely up and down at the moment but although my doubts keep creeping up I am also trying to find positives. Like you mentioned, at least I will be settled and feel ‘at home’ when my family finally leave! And yes, we’ve all got our own mistakes to make, do I think this is one? Potentially. But perhaps it’s one I need to make who knows. I’m trying not to allow my overthinking to take over right now, proving difficult but trying nonetheless.

    Going to Ikea to get bits for the flat is extremely satisfying though!

     

    #291955

    Michelle
    Participant

    Ha ha – I remember so very well my first trip to Ikea – what a maze that place is!  We actually still have and use the dinner plates we got there so make sure to choose well….we also did the classic ‘hmm, so just how do we get all these large boxes into our car…..’. Good times.

    It is fun setting up home for the first time. First night on your own sofa, wine and pizza and all that. Enjoy it.  To be honest, I no longer think of things as ‘mistakes’, just things I have done that are part of who I am today. It is always better to try, to ask, to speak up, to not let the fear of looking daft or getting hurt stop you from trying. And trying is way better than to wonder ‘what if’ for the rest of your life.  So yes, go in to it with your eyes open but go in regardless. No point trying to second-guess how it’ll turn out, that’s just trying to have control over something that you can’t whereas the only thing you can control is you. Good work on the reigning in the over-thinking, know it’s hard at the beginning. Gets much easier with practice until at some point it’s almost like second-nature and you look back on how anxious you always were in amazement.

    So after Granada we are trying to spend some time in the UK and our own home, with lots of cycling nearby and round the Norfolk Broads here which is beautiful in summer.  Have a couple of weeks away to go hiking in North Wales, assuming the weather allows us this time….  And then off to South Africa in late Sept for 8 weeks, which is going to be amazing, again.  Thinking about some hiking in Maderia before that, will see how we feel. We also keep getting a lot of really tempting house-sits sent our way at the moment so may well cave into one of those, who knows!  Ofcourse I will send updates but just tell me when they are too irritatingly cheerful!

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