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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 1,130 replies, has 31 voices, and was last updated by  Michelle 2 days, 5 hours ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 1,111 through 1,125 (of 1,133 total)
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  • #291957

    Claret Coromoto
    Participant

    hi! good

    #291983

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Michelle,

    As ever your kind words are just what I needed today!

    For the first time in weeks today my anxiety is at an all time high. I don’t know if I’ve had a bit of a reprieve this last month or so because of general life being slightly more smooth sailing or whether the tablets that I’ve been taking have helped (Higher Nature – Serotone 5HTP, they’re brilliant for aiding sleep btw!). I’ve really enjoyed the recent reprieve as I felt I could handle the world, even with my family friend sadly passing away only a few weeks back, I feel that ‘edge’ has been taken off but today, today the anxiety is back and kicking the right cr*p out of me!

    Perhaps all the anxiousness around the move is kicking in. I’m finding myself asking the questions ‘Is this the right thing to do?!’ ‘What if it fails?’ ‘What if I end up in an even worse situation?’ ‘How will my mental health deal with all of this?’ and as well as that, today feels like a gentle reminder that I am indeed f’d up really and I mustn’t forget about it – frustrating to say the least!

    Reading your recent post, you’re probably absolutely right. I am trying to control something that is ultimately out of my control at this point in time and it is adding stress. I suppose everyone goes through life making choices and eventually it just helps us learn/build who we are as individuals! Although today that feels a little easier said than done!

    I’ve decided to switch my phone off for the rest of the evening and spend the evening watching movies and indulging to get my mind off things hehe!

    I am honestly amazed by the amount of travel and outdoor activities you guys do! I’m actually planning a hike and camping trip with a friend over the summer around Wales also! No concrete plans are in place just yet but we have discussed it so that will be something to look forward to! Other than that no holidays planned for me this year, I’ll just have to rely on your incredible exploring stories to keep me going! I’m actually going to go ahead and look into this whole house sitting option because it sounds like such good value for money! South Africa for 8 weeks though?! That sounds so dreamy!

    #292005

    Griff
    Participant

    How’s it going Griff?

    More or less the same. I spoke to my therapist about how I was feeling and weirdly enough he said he thinks I should try to open a dialogue with my ex. I was pretty surprised by that because everyone else in my life has been saying “she’s made it clear how she feels, just leave her alone and move on” but weirdly the motivation behind them saying that and my therapist saying I should get in touch with her is the same, i.e. they all are confident that she’d reject me again, but while my family/friends are trying to spare me that, my therapist thinks that maybe I need to try that one more time before I can accept it.

    But I don’t really want to do that (well… I do, my base instinct is to open any dialogue at all and get down on my knees and beg, but I mean when I think logically) because I feel like if I don’t bother her and just wait she’ll come to her senses… but then I suppose that proves I’m not accepting it and maybe waiting around for her and torturing myself isn’t a good idea. But I almost don’t want to accept it because that feels like giving up, and I love her, and love isn’t ‘disposable’ like that.

    Basically I’m very conflicted on what is the right thing to do. I don’t know how to carry on with my life.

    #292015

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Ah Griff,

    Don’t I know that whole ordeal all too well!

    Life is full of ups and downs. I don’t think we ever really know what the right thing to do is, you can only do what feels right in the moment or whatever your gut feeling/instinct is urging you to do. Human beings are so complicated and everyone’s experience is so unique. We have a heart that wants one thing, the mind ponders on another and the gut/instinct will tell you something completely different – it is extremely puzzling.

    Like Michelle mentioned in her earlier post, we need to stop looking at decisions as mistakes and rather lessons which eventually become a part of our life lessons and help us become the individuals that we are today.

    Do what feels right for you.

    #292115

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo.    Sounds like the tablets have really helped give you the breathing space you needed – and just getting decent sleep will make a huge difference. Everyone has up and down days, that’s just normal….some days you feel you can handle the world and others you’re just happy to make it through and crawl onto the sofa at the end of the day!

    The trick to it I’ve found is to recognise that it’s just that you’re just having a bad day – it doesn’t mean that everything is wrong/bad. I’ve learned (painfully….is there apparently any other way??! ) to only make decisions/choices whilst I am in a good place as that is when I am balanced, able to consider clearly what I think is best based on what I know at the time.  If I try to make decisions when I’m down/stressed then they tend to be governed by fear, uncertainty. So now if I start to feel that happening, I’ll stop even trying to decide, let go of trying to be in control and I’ll just wait it out until I’m in the right place to do so.  So turning off your phone and vegging out instead, distracting yourself away from the worry was perfect, nice work.  In a few days, if not already, you will be back up and feel very differently about it again.  The decision’s made, you know you are going to give you guys one last proper try and see what happens. If you need something to think about instead, then spend your time thinking about what will be the deal-breakers for you, establishing your personal boundaries ahead as a positive way to know you will be ok, that you are still looking after yourself whilst still being brave enough to go ahead.

    Wales sounds great with the friend, hope you get that sorted out. We always try to go to places in the so-called shoulder season, much cheaper, less crowded and the weather’s usually still good. Travel ‘hacking’ is another way to make travel much cheaper too – e.g. our flights back from Granada are costing us £7.50 each since we’ve used credit card points to buy them through BA’s reward scheme. Likewise – house-sitting is an amazing way to stay places you couldn’t afford to rent and since they are homes, very easy to live cheaply in whilst indulging in a few beers in a sunny cafe.  Like everything in life, once you look outside the ‘normal’ ways of doing things, there are so many different ways of living, it’s very eye-opening…..and addictive!

    Griff.  You sound like you are where I was at 3-6 months after my awful split. I basically spent that time getting back into amazing physical shape as that was the one clue he’d given to me as to why he didn’t love/want me anymore. I was convinced that by doing so he would see the light, realise how much he had missed me and how desirable I really was etc.  When I got back in touch with him it was exactly what I needed to hear, if not what I wanted. The emotional distance in him just spoke direct to the part of me that logic/reason couldn’t reach – he had moved on entirely and in reality just wasn’t even ‘my’ guy anymore.  So it’s going to be scary but I absolutely understand where you are at and that at some point you will need to reach out to her to do the same. Sooner is better for you, as once done, there is no choice but to face forwards. But only when you are ready. I’m glad you have a found a good therapist to help you through this.  Looking back now, I can see clearly the early signs it was coming as I was very insecure, dependent in the relationship but at the time I thought it was amazing and was likewise completely blind-sided.  You don’t need to stop loving her, you are right, your love for her doesn’t just disappear because she no longer wants you. But at some point it does change into being grateful for having had the relationship, having had that love but now fully recognising the reality that it is in the past, not your future.

    Hope helps, wish you well.

    #292641

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo and Michelle,

    It’s been a hectic few weeks again (what’s new?!). So good to hear from you Kkasxo. So….. a lot has been going on. I really really empathise with how you feel. My ex is back and we’ve been spending time together again, behaving like a couple. Obviously under the radar however. I like you, wonder am I making a mistake, I feel it will end again as it has twice before, I worry about it a lot, but then I have amazing times with him too and I try to tell myself, this is my path and my journey and yes, it might be a mistake, but maybe it’s a mistake I’m meant to make. I can’t say. But I could live my life afraid of making lots of decisions but heck, I’m just going to go for it and deal with the consequences.

    When he got back from S.America he said me missed me. We’ve been getting wonderfully….as always….but that’s it. Nothing particularly new and I’m aware enough to understand that something must change for there to be a different outcome in any situation in life. I find the lying and concealing to my family and friends is taking somewhat of a toll on me. However, I’m not ready to tell people yet, because once I do, I will inevitably have to defend the decision and provide them with the evidence that would suggest it may work out differently this time, and of course I don’t have anything yet. So until I have clarity, I can’t give clarity to other people.

    We had a long weekend together over the past few days and it was lovely and easy going and after a few (too many) drinks, some things were mentioned but not ideal conversation time and most of it is fuzzy in my head now! I then spoke to him yesterday and explained that we cannot do what we did before and expect a different result. He acknowledged this. I said I would prefer to have our own place where we could explore our relationship and give it space to breathe away from the demands of both our families. I asked him what he wants for his future but he still doesn’t know. He says he finds it scary to think about and I said I would support him if he wants to work on that and develop and grow through it, but that while I want a future with him, I don’t want a future with someone who isn’t sure they want a future with me. He is so awkward in these conversations, constantly trying to divert away from the serious content, to jokingly talk about something unrelated. I call him on it now though and he says he feels I know him a bit ‘too well’ now! He said we ‘complement’ each other and I literally said….’ya know what complements each other…MINT AND LAMB…mint and lamb complement each other…or salt and pepper…..I’m not a condiment, you better come up with something better’! Anyway, I told him to have a think about stuff over the next while. It wasn’t an ultimatum, just food for thought and we’d meet at some stage soon again. We’ll see.

    I have my godson’s christening coming up in a few weeks and I certainly won’t be inviting my ex, but at the same time, isn’t it frustrating that I’m not in a relationship where my significant other would just be alongside me at important events in my life?!

    Also, I’m a little stressed with my course worth and actually….some female health issues the past while, so I’m biting the bullet and not waiting and getting it checked out. No point in worrying needlessly. So finger crossed.

     

    Michelle,

    There is never not a a time I don’t want to hear about your travels, so please keep the contributions coming. It’s wonderful to hear about your travel adventures. Well done on working so hard to achieve your dream. I honestly feel like I’ll never be out of debt, I’m paid so so poorly for what I do, hence the reason I’m trying to complete my makeup course and open up a potential new line of income. Trying to be as proactive as I can.

    Kkasxo,

    I LOVE Ikea….I mean….really love….I think I have a problem. While I actually don’t buy that much, I could spend hours in there…..I mean they have stuff I never even knew I needed in my life. So go for it, make it as homely as you like and go all in. You might as well. No point in letting fear hedge your bets. At least you will have zero regrets.

     

    S x

    #293277

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    im trying to learn more about myself each day, but honestly some days I might as well be learning how to become a nuclear physicist for all I understand!

    #293319

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey guys,

    Yeah, it wasn’t easy but then good things rarely are eh. I’m lucky in that what I’m apparently good at was well paid, if not very meaningful. Are you thinking of building up your own business once you have finished your course? One of my family runs her own nail/treatment business now and whilst tough to get going she’s now fully independent – and much better paid!!  All you can do is try your best, which you are doing and that’s worth celebrating/being proud of.

    Anything in particular you are trying to understand??

    And yes – incase you are wondering – this is from my very warm & sunny balcony over here in Granada after a mammoth hike around the nearby mountains and an equally mammoth lunch!  It’s practically a cliche sitting here sipping cheap red wine, spanish guitar playing and wonderful moorish buildings all around……back home tomorrow though, hope you guys have got the sun out ready for me….

    #293343

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    What I wouldn’t give to be drinking lovely Spanish wine on a balcony right now!

    My day job is extremely stressful and I achieved a university masters to get into this industry, my employer pays atrociously poorly. I suppose I’m at the stage of life now, where I want to actually have something to show for myself & not live in constant overdraft.

    I have secured a small loan however to follow through on my travel plans, even if I’m scared, I should just do it.

    I’m unsure if I make the right or wrong decisions in life. I’m in a situation with the ex which I knew I was getting into, yet somehow seem surprised if things happen in a certain way. I don’t know, I’m trying to be this strong resilient secure person, but I am who I am too and maybe that’s just me.

    #293467

    Emma
    Participant

    Oh dear.

    My heart breaks for you all. Although it sounds like you’re on the up, which is amazing news!

    I’m a healer and in a surprising twist have discovered that my healings are amazing at resolving heart break. So much so, that I’m putting together a healing heartbreak package and want to test the waters further before making it official, so I’m offering it for free for 5 people.

    If you want, get in touch and we can arrange something. But it sounds like you may not need it!

    emma@emmavergara.com

    #293651

    Michelle
    Participant

    Well done on sticking it out for the masters, I know how tough they are – I’d had more than enough study by the time I finished my BSc for sure.  Is the industry in general not paid well or just this particular employer/role?  As in can you look to move jobs or take on management positions etc or is it as good as it gets?  There’s some interesting data published around on the difference in wages of people move roles/jobs every couple years in the early days of working vs those who stay in the same place. Seems staying put and relying on wage increases/promotions doesn’t do you any favours if you want to be better paid and I’d have to say it’s very true in my industry but obviously I don’t know if yours is the same way.

    But yeah, I think it’s pretty natural to want to feel you are progressing, even if just a tiny bit, each month/year rather than still just treading water. It’s tiring, right. If I thought you had any spare time I’d suggest you read some of the FIRE ( Financial Independence, Retire Early ) blogs, they have some great advice on escaping from that loop and it’s pretty inspiring stuff. It’s how I’m doing what I’m doing now so I may be a little biased here…but happy to share more if interested. Funnily enough, it’s not that different to relationship type advice, i.e. deal with reality not how you wish things were, do what can be done and don’t try to control what can’t be controlled.

    What has surprised you about your ex recently ( ignoring he whole South American side-trip business!)?  I think there’s a difference between feeling genuinely surprised or figuring out if it’s more like just disappointed or even anger or fear, all of which would be understandable. It’s useful to know which you really feel as it can help you figure out what response is best to deal with it before simply reacting to whatever happened/didn’t happen.

    I don’t think you can ever successfully pretend to be something you are not, not for long anyway.  So yes, you are who you are and you aren’t naturally strong, resilient or secure now. I wasn’t either, remember. But what’s incredibly powerful is knowing that, accepting that – and then still doing the brave thing anyway, like your Aus trip, like not getting anxious over your ex.  It means you are stronger than a naturally confident person – think about it, they aren’t facing their fears all the time, they are just being themselves.  But each time you face and conquer a fear, it gets easier the next time, it loses it’s power over you.  There’s nothing brave or courageous about doing something if you aren’t scared of it in the first place. It’s much smarter to know the risks and then decide that they are worth it.

    Last thought for today – it is worth spending the time to make sure you are facing the right fear. For example, planning a trip to Aus is awesome – so long as it isn’t because it is easier/less scary than dealing with issues with work/life at home. Likewise, trying again with your ex is a brave decision since you can’t know how it will turn out this time – so long as you aren’t trying again as the fear of giving up on this relationship is greater than the fear of trying. Make sense?

     

    #293653

    Michelle
    Participant

    PS – Kkasxo, we’re missing our tales of Ikea chaos…….how goes it?

    #294225

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Gosh, there is a lot to think about Michelle. Haven’t a clue where to start! Could be all or none of the above. I do like the idea that you get strong by doing things you are afraid of, not because you’re naturally confident!

    Again, it’s been another insane week. I’ve had exams and mock exams for various parts of my course, my sisters bother needed help minding their kids and getting them to school during the week. Then my toddler nephew ended up in hospital and it was a lack of sleep and stress and worry but all okay now.

    Also I’m going to the hospital this afternoon for a scan on something that has been niggling at me and it’s my godsons christening this weekend- it’s a spiral that won’t slow down!

    As for IKEA….I am DYING to hear how @kkasxo is getting on!

    #294323

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
    It comes as no surprise to anyone reading this, albeit still a surprise to me, that I am back where I started. With a broken heart.

    I don’t need to pick through it, I don’t need to analyse it anymore, it is over and will not work. He ended it last night, something I thought he was committed to not doing this time round.

    However, some people cannot overcome who they are or change who they are no matter how hard they try.

    I’m just so sad and trying to deal with it alone this time and hide it from others as obviously I hadn’t told anyone, except my cousin.

    This is just the life destined for me. So be it.

    #294399

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Shelby,

    Not too surprised no, but disappointed for you, know you wanted it to turn out differently this time around.

    Take care, we’re here as/when you need us.

     

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