Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic has 2,307 replies, 62 voices, and was last updated 2 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.

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October 12, 2018 at 7:54 am #230519

Shelbyville
Participant

@anita,

That is an interesting concept. I can’t imagine what it might be however, as I mentioned before, I had a stable, caring upbringing as far as I can remember!

I really really fond anxiety difficult to deal with and would love to be able to overcome it.

s

October 12, 2018 at 9:05 am #230527

Kkasxo
Participant

Shelby,

I understand completely where you are coming from. Me on the other hand, I couldn’t bare to be alone but I also couldn’t bare to be in social situations because I simply didn’t enjoy them and don’t enjoy them at the moment as so I quickly wanted to retrieve back home to my ‘safe haven’ where I don’t have to pretend I’m okay. It took a certain kind of friend to spend many nights with me just sitting in silence but nonetheless keeping me company and I will be thankful for her forever!

As for Netflix, I was never really a fan previously (whilst in a relationship) we only ever used it for the occasional movie. Since, yes I’ve actually been able to get into the story line of quite a few series and it has been something that I look forward to every day now! I am aware this sounds extremely sad but in a time like this what more can I really ask for other than a distraction?!

I’m having a horrible afternoon preparing my bridesmaid dress and packing all things wedding. The idea that I was meant to be the one ‘catching the bouquet’ on Sunday as all the other bridesmaids are already spoken for and now I’m attending as a single woman. It’s heartbreaking. Also it doesn’t help that I know he too has gone away with his friends this weekend for what they call a ‘lads weekend’. I feel unsettled and quite sick actually at the thought of what may happen. I guess that’s just my mind playing tricks on me. He’s not mine to worry about anymore right?

October 12, 2018 at 9:22 am #230529

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Shelbyville:

Let’s say your parents were kind to you, no physical or verbal abuse, but something scared you as a child and you were alone with that fear. When a child is afraid and alone for too long, a small fear grows big and bigger.

Being comforted by a parent will calm a child faced with a real life danger, such as war. Not being comforted by a parent will make a nightmare seem scarier and scarier, the fear bigger and bigger. It doesn’t take much for a child to get scared.

Insight into the origin of your anxiety, which is in your childhood, is a necessary part of healing. Insight will be the beginning of healing, a necessary beginning.

anita

October 12, 2018 at 10:16 am #230537

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

That truly is a friend who would just stay with you in silence. I find it hard to be on my own as really bad feelings seep in and I can’t shake myself out of it. Heartbreak, yes, but also anxiety and all of it shit.

I didn’t know you’re a bridesmaid – that’s very strong of you. Well done, you won’t regret missing a very special day in your friend’s life when you feel better years down the road. My guess is your guy ain’t gonna be up to much this weekend, he’ll just drink into oblivion I would imagine which tends to be many guys’ response to any type of emotion. So don’t focus on it, think there is no-one else existing anywhere but at your friends wedding this weekend.

You could mention to your friend you won’t be there for the bouquet toss and just head to the bathroom or you could just stand on the edge and hopefully let someone else catch it.

I may try Netflix this weekend, thank you.

Feel free to post at any time if you’re finding it difficult, it’s not exactly as if I’ll be off doing anything fun!

S x

October 12, 2018 at 10:18 am #230539

Shelbyville
Participant

@anita

I can think of one tiny small incident that may have scared me a little, but I never told my parents, I didn’t make a big deal of it and I wasn’t that young, maybe 10-12. If it’s something from younger than that, how would I ever remember it to heal it?

Thanks,

Stella

October 12, 2018 at 11:41 am #230543

Kkasxo
Participant

Yes you’re probably right, he’ll probably drink and pretend nothing has happened. He did a very good job of pretending nothing is the matter last time so I’m sure he’ll do just fine this time round too! I’m proud to say that I have now blocked him to avoid any drunken messages as I know that’ll ruin my weekend and send my anxiety through the roof! So yes, little steps forward!

How are you feeling this evening? Are you keeping yourself busy?

October 12, 2018 at 11:53 am #230549

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stella:

It is not necessary to remember what you don’t remember. There is enough information in what you do remember.

Maybe you didn’t tell your parents at 10-12 because before that incident, when you did go to them with something that scared you (ex., a kid bullied you at school), they reacted in such a way that hurt your feelings deeply, or they seemed so distressed and anxious that you felt guilty for having told them.

In this scenario, the biggest fear is not in the incident that happened away from your parents, but in your parents’ reaction to you telling them about the incident. Children are very scared of a parent’s rejection or a parent’s distress, both are threatening to a child.

anita

October 12, 2018 at 1:02 pm #230561

Victoria
Participant

Hi there,

I have so much to add to the conversation, however I feel like i’m lagging behind a bit. I think we are healing and doing better than we all were previously because we all have made progress in terms of going out and socialising, starting to focus and actively exist without the other person in our lives and I believe we will definately be posting on here in a few months or weeks with new updates that we feel better.

Kkasxo – I believe that going to the wedding will be a huge win for how you’re feeling. I believe that you will have a wonderful time and it will instil that there is life beyond your last relationship and I think that will ease any pain you’re experiencing. This is just an opinion though based on the fact that I went out last night and I was physically shaking with anxiety before walking into the bar because my whole being was telling me to go home to my comfort zone, that I would end up crying like my last night out. However, with the help of friends and the determination to start to live for me again and have discussions about interests I had left in the past like films, art etc I didn’t end up talking about my ex at all, which was a huge step because I’ve felt like thats the only convo topic I’ve had for the past three weeks.

Shelby – In terms of your anxiety in the morning I would advise that when you wake up before your mind can even think about anything do some breathing exercises and tell yourself its a new day and its going to be a good day. I know that’s obvious but its so easy for our brains to think about thoughts that way on our minds. You could be experiencing the anxiety in the morning because you seem to be at a loss on how to spend your time and so you wake up and the whole day could feel daunting. It will get easier. One quote I can offer is “Instead of having a good day just tell yourself to have a day” if that is any help.

I feel like there were other topics I wanted to share my two-cents with however I am a bit fragile as I stayed out all night and I was still drunk this morning.

In terms of music I couldn’t listen to anything at first but once you hear a song that explains exactly how you are feeling it can reignite your appiette for it and before you know it your life is filled with music. The only way I am getting through the days at the moment is by constantly having background music on.

I am currently listening to Deaf Havana (Rituals Album), Kodaline (Politics of Living) and Lauv (I met you when I was 18). I would recommend you trying these albums out because they have helped me heal as the songs these artists produce just get to the core of an issue and I cannot rave about them any more.

I also have no plans for the weekend except university work but I am struggling to focus, so I may do some mathematics because that will consume my mind for hours. So maybe if you are stuck for something to do and find your mind wandering, try reading or a crossword, try going something thats a bit of a challenge and involved problem solving.

I will be more active on here this weekend because I am apprehensive about it as I find it difficult to also fill my time.

Also I talked to my ex even though I felt bad because I am then interrupting his healing time. However, it ended up being a constructive conversation and helped him as I gave more clarity on why I ended it, so that was good. Then today I have a slight urge to message him but as I have no reason to it is easier.

I hope this message makes sense, I just wanted to add to the convo but I am aware that my brain is running at 3% right now.

October 12, 2018 at 1:16 pm #230565

Kkasxo
Participant

Hi Victoria,

Thank you for your insight! I do hope I actually somewhat enjoy this weekend rather than constantly find myself thinking what he is up to at the moment whilst on his weekend away.. So far, that’s all I’ve managed to think about all evening! The one good thing is, I think, as I previously mentioned that I have blocked him for the first time. This will mean that I am not taken aback by any potential drunken messages or anything of that sort.. it would take him an awful lot to find some sort of way to contact me at the moment, although I doubt he would anyway.

You mentioned that it was your choice to end things. Do you mind filling us in on your situation a little bit? I have managed to have a read through your thread but I notice you don’t go into much detail about the break up itself.

October 12, 2018 at 1:17 pm #230567

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

Well done on blocking him. That’s proactive and smart, given the weekend that’s in it.

I was working late but had a breakdown at my sisters. I think people underestimate the pain we are going through and I explained that although I’m doing everything I’m told, everything you’re supposed to, when you break up with someone, I still want to be with him and contact him and the fact I haven’t is down to a more than human effort at restraint. She told me to never ever contact him ever and when I explained that I’m human and broken hearted so I can’t guarantee it won’t happen, she said ‘It’s him or me, ‘cos I’ll kill him if I ever see him’. She said ‘you can NEVER go back to him’ and basically it all hurt too much and I left her place in a ball of tears.

Maybe because she was right or maybe because she was ruling out any possibility of a reconciliation. Either way, it’s been one of my more difficult days to date.

@anita

Thanks for your explanation but I have to admit, I find it all a bit hard to understand. I kind of see what you mean but I don’t know how it pertains to my relationship heartbreak now in this moment of my life. And if there is a way of mending it?

October 12, 2018 at 1:33 pm #230569

Victoria
Participant

Kkasxo,

Blocking him will definitely help. I ended up calling my ex and sending him messages until my phone physically broke (I think it was a sign from the universe) so that meant I couldn’t contact him, I have written his number down in a notebook just in case I ever need it but I still don’t have a phone and now I have an ache to talk to him but every time I cannot full fill that ache its conditioning my brain to get rid of that instant emotional impulse.

It is understandable why you have thought about him because he was suppose to be there with you. I had the same feeling at a Placement talk at Uni because my boyfriends support aided me to get to where I am today and he was suppose to be the involved in this chapter of my life. Have you joined in conversations? My advise is try and get involved in a conversation about something you’re passionate about because then your mind will be consumed with excitement and adrenaline it won’t have time to dwell. But I understand it can be difficult, I personally zone out very easily if I am not in a social situation which captures my attention so I can understand it may be easy to dwell on things. Also as the environment is a wedding it will be difficult to not think about relationships and progression of a relationship, also consider that you may be tired which could be a contributing factor.

I will shed more light into my break up in a separate post in a moment (hope thats ok)

October 12, 2018 at 1:36 pm #230571

Kkasxo
Participant

Stella, (I realised I had been calling you the wrong name all along)

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through, honestly, my heart goes out to you right now because I have been there many times! Quite frankly, I don’t speak much of the real reasons why me and the man who shall not be named split up as it is something deeply personal to me and I am still trying to process it all! However, those who are close to me know the chain of events and he too is not their favourite person right now, nor will he ever be! There are many who would never ever EVER approve of a reconciliation with this man.. And retionally I completely understand them and even agree with them! Had a dear friend been in my circumstances right now I’d probably say the same thing. BUT as we’ve acknowledged before, the heart wants what it wants.

Try not to let it get to you too much. I know it’s hard knowing that people around you wouldn’t accept your potential relationship should you rekindle.. but I think that just goes back to us saying that we haven’t fully accepted that it is indeed over. Also, you have to understand, others see your ex as just a person who hurt you deeply, there are no if’s buts or maybes about it and therefore it is much easier for them to stay objective. Whereas you also have feelings for this man, you love him. Nobody truly knows him like you do. And we all know that love can cloud people’s judgment, I’ve been a victim of that myself!

October 12, 2018 at 1:40 pm #230573

Shelbyville
Participant

Victoria,

Thanks so much for the really practical coping skills. I will definitely try that with the breathing and also maybe listen to some music. My family had urged to me steer clear of any type of emotional songs as it would only serve to exacerbate my pain, so I just gave up on music entirely.

The level of pain from a lost relationship is severe, if you didn’t want the relationship to end and I find myself trying to figure out what’s going on in my head & heart at all times and confusing myself even more. I don’t trust me at the moment or the process. My heart is telling me to get in touch with him so that can’t be trusted.

I will try & keep myself occupied this weekend, but it’s draining. But I can either be drained or I can be acutely anxious. Wonderful choices,

Good luck with your maths this weekend, I’ll be posting anyway!

October 12, 2018 at 1:49 pm #230577

Shelbyville
Participant

Kkasxo,

My nickname is Shelby, so you can continue on with that if you’d like!

Thanks so much for those comforting words. My sister is my rock and I nearly felt I had lost her this evening too, but actually it was probably more closer to the realisation that I have lost him. That a relationship could never work with him when people vehemently believe its wrong, they can’t all be wrong, right?

Btw- when we split before I went to a wedding a fortnight later. I didn’t want to miss it as I mentioned previously, because I would regret it. I was anxious going but I made the best of it and took some photos of me looking the best I could! Which was such a lie as I was dying inside, but to this day, I’m glad I didn’t miss it. There were times it was tough but there were times I didn’t feel as bad at it and I think you’ll get distracted enough to keep you going.

S x

October 12, 2018 at 2:00 pm #230581
Victoria
Participant
Shelby,

I am sending a virtual hug it sounds like its definitely been a tough evening. It’s nice that you can tell your sister how you are feeling and her reaction is out of love and wanting to protect you from anymore pain.

I can understand how you are feeling, I was at a similar point where I would see the smallest thing that reminded me of the life we had built or planned in the future and burst into tears with my hearting tell me that if I called him he would help me feel better so because I did not have someone to stop me I ended up calling but of course his reception was emotionally closed which caused more pain.

So when it happened again (quite a regular occurrence for days on end) I allowed myself to cry until I was questioning how it was possible to cry so many tears and feel so broken, then I would pinpoint why it affected me so much, for example one item was a dog accessory for a small dog which we would discuss about one day owning and I realised that it was the pain that we wouldn’t be able doing that anymore and then I realised only because we weren’t doing that it didn’t mean that I couldn’t own a dog in the future. It was a powerful realisation which lead me into a frenzy of looking at flights online to places i’ve wanted to visit or think about where I want to be in the future (short term and long term) and it gave me back some control which eased my anxiety.

I feel like an imposer writing on here because I am not in the same boat per say as I ended it, however, the relationship seems similar to the one you had, for example, I had this impulse to have commitment (marriage etc) and he was slow in talking about the topic seriously.

I believe my main point is allow yourself to cry because it is your body grieving and healing, every time you breakdown you are a little closer to recovery. I am aware it doesn’t feel like it though and so it is easier to say.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Victoria.
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