Yeah! Huge congrats on the high merit passing – that’s awesome. Well done you!  I love your therapist’s idea about the volunteering too – it just sounds like something you’d get so much out of and so would others. Plus you’d get a really unusual portfolio which will give you an edge for possible future work. You know, it’s so amazing how often this kind of thing happens, when you close one door ( as in your old job ) new ones open up that lead you to better places. Who knows where it could go but I see nothing but good from looking into that for sure.  As we’ve always said, your life won’t change unless you change it – this is a really cool example 🙂

And hey, you know I’m on the ball 😉  Mostly!  But a big daft hug for you anyway – you know it doesn’t matter if I or anyone else am disappointed in you, it’s what you think about yourself that’s important. It’s letting yourself down, that’s when it hurts.  It’s not that I won’t advise on the situation with the ex, I know it’s still a huge part of what you are dealing with and I’m happy to help you continue to move forwards. But what I felt wasn’t helping you at that point in this post was to continue to indulge the sadness, the sense of trappedness, if that makes sense. I knew you had choices and I knew you had the strength for it. And although I also knew you wouldn’t like it, same way I really didn’t like it when it happened to me, we all need people who can occasionally do the whole gentle shove thing as well as the tissue mopping.

You will not be surprised to hear I entirely get the whole travel in the gut, dreamer thing. One of my favourite things growing up was my globe and maps, absolutely fascinated by all those other places.  I think it’s one of those things that either calls you or not…it’s actually really nice to hear you being able to at least hear that gut voice again.  I won’t disagree, travel is different on your own. Travel with friends is also different than in a relationship. Travel on your own simply gives you something else again, perhaps not the romance/sharing memories parts but you will get that sense of pride, of reconnecting to your younger self and knowing if you can face these fears, you are good to face others. Plus an awesome tan and some brilliant memories and stories 😉

So, honestly, when planning it out, I’m a big fan of the ‘less is more’ philosophy.  Especially if you have a limited budget ( who doesn’t?!?) then it’s usually better to leave yourself some wiggle room for the unexpected rather than push it to the limit. More relaxing for sure. Given you aren’t sure you want to be away for all that long, I’d be tempted to keep it relatively simple, book an open-jaw flight into one major airport in SE Asia, make your way down with the budget airlines/local transport and fly back from NZ/Oz. Open-jaw is just the tech term for a return that begins/ends in the same place but flies in/out of different places. Cheaper than two singles, bit more than a standard return which can be limiting. Adding in some Asia will lower your average cost a lot so say you went for Thailand, you could fly into Bangkok, make your way down to the Thai islands, from there it’s pretty easy & cheap to get to KL. You could also add in Langkawi like I’m going to do – it’s literally a £30 plane ticket to the duty-free Maylasian island from there. Then you could carry on down via Bali from where Oz is a short hop. Something like that perhaps? You’d want at least three weeks to do that any kind of justice so I figure by the time you add in your Oz/NZ travel, you’d be heading back home for Christmas? So personally, I’d just fly back from there and save the US for next time. Slow travel is your friend remember – I find that anything less than 3 days in one place gets tiring really fast and doesn’t let you get to know it so usually aim for a week min. You also get a lot of discounts on AirBnb and the like for week stays.

Hope it helps – and congrats again on the high merit, really pleased for you.

Hi ladies,

I hope you’re both well!

Apologies for going awol again for a few days, for some reason the recent time has been particularly hard on me again! Whilst still trying to keep my spirits up I suppose sometimes you just can’t win and just have to sit through it.

I’ve been feeling an intense need to just cry recently and am finding it difficult as I really need some peace.. I absolutely do not want any attention from Mr A, family or friends, I simply just want to have a good old cry and perhaps that’ll release some of the excess emotions!

It’s very disheartening when the ongoing sadness is just constantly present despite my best efforts to keep going. I’m feeling a little stuck again lately so just trying to look internally to get to the bottom of this sadness.

Shelby, I’m so pleased to hear that you are actively looking into your travel plans now! I am so excited for you and in absolute awe of your bravery! I mean during the last year I have gone from a social butterfly to an absolute loner, by choice, and I don’t even think i’d have it in me to plan a four week trip away in foreign land by myself! So honestly, kudos to you! It look’s like i’ll be hearing from both you and Michelle soon about all the beautiful places in the world that you are exploring!

I’m stuck in the UK unfortunately as the flights to go back home are too expensive.. There is also a part of me that feels obliged to stay behind as my younger sister is here on her own so I am making extra effort to see her every weekend so she doesn’t feel too alone! But I look forward to hearing all about your sunny adventures!

Shelby,

You are absolutely right. I am so aware that healing isn’t a linear process and that there are certain things in life that take a looooooong while to process. Whilst rationally I know that it’s still so draining to feel in such intensity sometimes. And I am grateful for getting out of the hell hole but sometimes i’m really just like sh** I’m so god damn tired of being sad now!!!!! Meh, nonetheless we keep on keeping on!

The plan for this weekend is most definitely bed, pj’s and Netflix. I have 0 energy for any form of socialising of any sort, I really just want some peace and quiet by myself and may even squeeze my little but extremely needed cry in there (yaaaay!). I think that’s one thing I definitely miss when living with my family, at least I could shut myself in my bedroom and have an ‘early night’ but really sit up for a few hours having a cry. Living with Mr A means that I have no space to do that now because he is just as welcome as I am in the bedroom! But I’m hopeful that he has made some plans of his own for this weekend so that I can have some breathing space.

I also completely hear you regarding doing what’s best for you. I think feeling like I am failing friends or family members is a major thing for me (I’m aware though and working on it). Sometimes it’s almost like I feel responsible for the way others around me are feeling and do everything and anything to lift their spirits! Actually I had a situation on the day of my move. I had taken one day off of work to do as many runs to the new property as possible and try to organise as much as I could in the new place so that I could go back to work the next day. My parents were due to fly back into London that same morning around 6am and asked if I could collect them and drop them home because my little sister needed to be at school for 8:45am. Despite knowing i’ve got a hectic day ahead of me, being the person that I am I agreed. So I woke up at 5am to head to the airport and saw a message from my mum to say that their flight had been delayed and they won’t arrive in London until 2pm that afternoon. At that point I knew it would’ve been impossible for me to drop everything I’m doing with the move and go to the airport, all the way back to my family home and then all the way back to the flat, I would’ve got absolutely 0 done! But I still couldn’t find a way to say no even though it was stressing me out to say the least. I was in a full frenzy trying to get as much done as possible etc to the point that I actually broke down with my other sister in my car and she said to me ‘It is not your responsibility to take care of others! It is not your responsibility to try and make everyone happy all the time!’ and she actually had a separate word with my mum who was oblivious that I needed to be left alone as this is already too much for me.

And it is true. Whenever someone is feeling bad I feel personally responsible for it when I shouldn’t! It’s kind of in my nature, but I am working on it.

Ah weddings are always fun eh! (NOT!) Actually the wedding that me and Mr A went to recently captured a very sad photo of me haha!! We had been off with one another the whole day and then when we got to the wedding I was clearly upset looking at a newly wed couple and wondering just how bloody far away that bliss is for me and the look on my face in the photo!!!! Oh it said a million words!!!

I hope you do enjoy it as best as you can! I do love your little sober escape plan though just in case! It’s always good to have options 🙂

Hi, ladies,

Just a little bit of perspective to cheer you up: no one really knows how the family lives of those whom you witness being so happy getting married will turn out.

I can very much relate to what you feel and describe. Yet, when I look around, I hardly see a couple whom I would really envy.

For a start, my sister (11 years older than me) has been divorced twice now. It doesn’t seem that she is seeing anyone, and is totally devoted to raising her 12-year old son.

One of my two cousins divorced. When he and his wife were getting married, everyone thought they were a perfect fit. So the divorce at the initiative of his now ex-wife came as a total surprise. Again, it was a surprise (just the way my cousin is – say, I wouldn’t want him for a partner!) that he did find somebody else and married her, too. Happy so far. Has a daughter by his first wife.

Another cousin of mine. No one thought he would ever pair up with anyone, especially after he was dumped a second time by his long-term girlfriend. Yet, a couple of years later, he met somebody, got married and has now been married for about ten years. No kids though.

A second cousin of mine, just like me in her mid-30s. Divorced, raising a boy.

One of my best friends has just divorced after four years of marriage. They had dated for about three years before getting married, but towards the end of the marriage, she started feeling suffocated and promptly fell in love with somebody else leaving her husband. Has a son by her first husband, tells me she is thinking about one more kid by her current partner.

Another best friend has never dated anyone (!), apparently has never been in love.

One more best friend entertained some mixed feelings of love/friendship for a younger guy who died in a car accident. Still posting about him, now three or four years after the event. I am not aware of any partners proper.

One more friend is happy in her marital life, but her husband and she are deeply religious, so I am not surprised.

At the same time, an acquaintance’s friend, also a seemingly religious guy, got divorced and married again. And I made their acquaintance when he and his first wife were expecting their first kid (now two kids – most likely, the second one was supposed to help to cement the relationship), some ten years ago!

I know of several more former classmates of mine who are either considering divorce or whose family lives are having such bumpy rides (and they even give birth to one more child in the hope of smoothing marital discord!) that I sincerely think I am so much better off single.

Good question though – why do we tend to compare ourselves with those who have it rougher than we do? Why don’t we look up to those who seem to be enjoying the ride? Problem is that I truly look around and can name only two or three couples whom I would like to emulate. But they are my parents’ generation, not mine. Funny though, that one of those couples’ son has now been married for over ten years, has two sons, but thoughout all that time his wife and he have been squabbling with no end in sight. And their second child was exactly that attempt to distract them from the problems of their one-on-one interactions.

And even though we might know such happy couples, we don’t really live with them day in and day out. So how can we really be that sure that their happy-ever-after is not just a facade for guests and friends?

I truly don’t want to be in anybody else’s shoes. However, I would sincerely love to have that special someone to share my life with.

Morning all,

X, thank you for your input. I suppose in a sense you’re right in saying that we only see what people want us to see on the social media platforms. It is likely that those people went through hardships also but not on full display to the whole world and therefore we are blissfully unaware just looking at their picture perfect lives. Much like Michelle now, in a loving and caring relationship BUT has been through her fair share of sh*t!

Michelle, you literally never fail me with your wise words! Whilst I completely understand and really spent time thinking about the whole listening, accepting one another aspect of it all, I think at this stage I am beyond it all. Perhaps with some time the energy to do so will return but for now I feel things are better left unsaid.

After rowing last night, thankfully, I didn’t see him before dozing off for the night so he got away luckily for the evening. Unfortunately this morning though he broke down some news about two sets of our mutual friends expecting children and again, sent me off into an absolute meltdown about whyyyyy?! Just whyyyyyyy am I not able to have this life?!!! Why do I not deserve a loving partner who would want all these things with me?! I literally just want to shut away from the entire world and not hear about any of it. And to be honest, I’m still feeling the strong urge to run in the opposite direction this morning.

I realise I’m not sounding very much like the kkas who managed to get herself together in my last posts, but emotionally processing everything is so tiring and I think I’ve just hit a point of exhaustion. I’m sure as always I will endure and figure it all out but for now I just need to sit through all of these thoughts and feelings and try as best as I can to breathe.

Heres to another day filled with sadness!

Forgot to add. Also when the first child is born, a couple’s dynamics is significantly altered. So even having a first child can be seen as a litmus test of a relationship. Basically, at any point it is too early to tell, so no reason at all to be upset :))

Hi, Kkasxo,

I have been following Shelby’s thread since she started it last year. I read all of your and Shelby’s posts. I can relate to almost everything you two have written so far.

Despite always being upfront and honest about my expectations/ wants from a relationship right at the start, and being extremely selective with the people I let into my life be it friendships or potential relationships, I always seem to stumble across absolute time wasters.

Could not ring truer to me.

…Despite the problems those people/couples may be going through etc, they ultimately have the normality of a life that I’ve always yearned for.

Hmm, not sure if I want “normality,” I have always dreamt big, yet fell for all sorts of men and was and is ready to do my part. At the same time, I see a lot of women just like me, no better or worse, get exactly what I would want for myself. And when I would talk to such women and men, the vast majority of them would assure me that what the picture my mind is painting is absolutely normal and achievable. (For instance, I don’t want to have kids. Well, a couple of good colleagues of mine are childfree, but are married and are (or seem) happy.)

My wondering is why am I not capable or deserving of having that too? In all honesty at this point in my life I am very doubtful of ever being in a place where I get married, or have a home and family with the man that I love.. it just doesn’t seem like something that is ever going to happen to me…

Exactly so.

What is the point then?! What is the point of spending so many years of our lives in the hope that we are building something with someone only to have absolutely nothing but heartbreak, trauma and bittersweet memories to show for it.

I really don’t know. C’est la vie, I guess.

Kinda pointless if you ask me. And yet we all seek love, we all seek a deeper connection…

Yes, because it is biology and genetics and psychology. Mother Nature wants us to procreate. Her task is to bring the two together (hence the high of falling in love) so that they mate and produce offspring; the rest (“happily ever after”) is up to the two in question. So if the other party is ultimately not invested, I don’t see if there is a lot that we can do.

That is why my stance now is that no matter how selective we are, nothing is guaranteed. We can do our best and then hope for the best outcome. But since we are so selective, we must go through a lot of people until we find that somebody who seems to fit. So ultimately it is the chance (there is a possibility that we may stumble upon our match right away, isn’t there?) and sheer number.

At least, this is my philosophy now.

I really wish I could be more helpful.