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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 1,359 replies, has 39 voices, and was last updated by  Shelbyville 1 hour, 18 minutes ago.

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  • #306351

    Michelle
    Participant

    Mornin’ Shelby.

    Did you stick with your plan not to go the festival? Bit of a shame as it sounds an amazing event but I guess if you think it’ll bring you more pain than pleasure than why go.

    Ha, it’s ok, we’re not offended you don’t believe us, we’ll just keep reminding you helpfully 🙂  The big thing is you are trying out different things and taking out other negative things in your life, i.e. your job. That’s pretty huge you know, especially for you. Have you told your Dad yet – how’d he take it?

    I’m actually kinda happy the break-up will stick this time. Although I’d have liked it to work out for you I did feel sad that it was always you doing the running, making the effort, the only one to reach out and try again.  Can’t be good for your self-esteem that for sure, would make me feel pretty unwanted for anything other than a short good time, no strings please.  But hey, you’ve got a couple months yet before any enlightenment kicks in by my track record anyway. So please do carry on believing in his future epiphany, I remember that part well!

    If you are digging into the house-sitting thing, I’m pretty sure you can look for free and don’t need to sign up until you find something to apply for – you sometimes get the first few free too. There’s always discount codes for sign-up kicking around for TrustedHouseSitters so don’t pay full price for that whereas MindMyHouse is only £16 for the year anyway as & when you find something.

    I’m now in two minds about going away before SA – I really don’t want to go in the school holiday period but happy to put up with it if the weather here means we can’t get out & about on the bikes so much – but the forecast keeps changing it’s mind!! Honestly, dealing with uncertainty……who’d have it 😉

    Kkasxo – been a while – you doing ok? Either rushed off your feet or else have you had a tough time with Mr A lately following the trauma anniversary, know you were struggling with emotions more than recently. Let us know how you are doing when you get a sec 🙂

    #306649

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hi ladies,

    Apologies for the lack of posting recently, I needed a little break away from everything since the anniversary.

    It has been a tough ride, on the day the flashbacks and everything was kicking the absolute sh** out of me! I was so angry at my brain for putting me through that, honestly. On a normal day I am so amazed by how our bodies and brains can develop certain behaviours etc to protect us and keep us safe and then on days like those I wonder why they choose to remind us of all of the bad in this world! Nevermind, I have survived! Although (thankfully) the PTSD side of things has eased off since the day, I’ve now found myself in a bit of a ’empty’ zone.. Completely emotionally detached but very easily irritable. Now I know from myself that this is just a sign of being tired, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Doing all this never ending personal work whilst holding down a job, a barely there situationship (because it isn’t a relationship really..) and now a household is hard work and it shows because most days my brain feels like scrambled egg, I can’t even focus on work! I may just fly off somewhere week after next completely on my own to get my well deserved rest, I will be looking for flights tonight!

    I just looked through some of your recent posts and it seems I’m not the only one who’s been having a bit of a rough time lately. Shelby sweets, on one hand I am sad that you are sad but on the other I am so pleased as there is a lot of raw and uncensored honesty and truth in your posts. You are dealing with A LOT! And whatever emotions are associated with that are absolutely 100% okay. It is true, some people (lucky buggers) don’t really spend too much time worrying about their life, they haven’t experienced trauma or hardships but unfortunately life is unfair in that way and some of us get served the sh**ty things..

    You mentioned in one of your posts that meeting your ex wasn’t worth the pain you are dealing with now as a result. And do you know what? So be it! I feel exactly the same about Mr A. Meeting him and our beautiful three years together, no matter how perfect, were simply not worth any of the losses I incurred because of our relationship. I damn near enough lost my life ultimately because of this relationship, absolutely not worth it! But with that in mind, it is done now, had I known then what I know now maybe things would’ve been different, but they aren’t. And yes I would do anything in the world to be able to go back in time, make different choices, walk away the first time he said hello! Ah how I wish! But I can’t. That is an extremely difficult thing to accept but there is literally no other choice. So we keep moving forward, because we can’t go back..

    We have good days, bad days, distracted days, empty days, days where the only good thing that’s happened is the fact that it’s 5PM and I get to go home from work, and days where all I do is sleep all day! But time keeps moving forward regardless..

    I think you need to be super kind to yourself in this time because it feels to me like you are doing a lot of undercover work on yourself which even you may not be aware of. As difficult as it may be, try to focus on little joys for the time being. Remember that time when I was absolutely at the lowest of the low and I forced myself out of bed just to go to Tesco to buy myself my favourite expensive coffee so that I have something to look forward to? So that for a moment I can feel happy? It sounds really sad but that was my reality.. And those little moments are what eventually helped to get me out of the hell hole.. Also journal, journal everything and anything. There were days when I used to journal 10/15 times a day, small tiny details but it was a release. I needed all of these overwhelming feelings and thoughts to be released from my mind otherwise I would’ve gone crazy!

    And keep talking, keep venting. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, upset, disappointed, fuming at all the bad stuff that has happened! And then work on letting it go..

    Be patient with yourself, these things take time… unfortunately.

    #306789

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey, morning both.

    A rough night sleeping last night – wisdom teeth playing up, usually wears off overnight but not this time……sigh….will wait it out a little longer before caving in to a dentist visit though 🙂

    Kkasxo = so good to hear from you, thanks for catching us up – figured it was being a rough time. Sounds like you are slowly making your way back after all the anniversary triggers. Yeah, having your own place is great but it sure does add a tom of stuff to do/look after which sounds like it’s all piling up on you. Whilst we’re at home for the summer we’re supposed to be doing all the maintenance jobs we get to leave whilst we’re away travelling. Have to say, whilst I love my house given it’s so personal to us having built it ourselves – it sure is dull re-painting and all the rest, so many better things to do!

    I take it Mr A is not exactly pulling his weight in helping you through this time, either emotionally or physically. Whilst your description of a situationship made me smile ( such a Kkasxo good word ) it also didn’t, as I’m reading that as things haven’t exactly improved since the wedding. Guessing you don’t have too much time or mental space to think about what you want to do there yet.

    Honestly – yet again – admiration for you on getting through all this. You could have very easily spiraled down and you haven’t – you’re keeping your chin above water and swimming. You can feel the strength in you from here – as well as the exhaustion. Take that break whatever way you can. Goes without saying happy to help on flights if you are serious 😉

    And Morning Shelby, hope all goes ok ‘up’ there ( but not as far as Scotland! ) Everybody down to earth again now the festival is over? I’m supposed to be cycling out later to meet some friends later, will see how I feel with this stupid head/tooth ache – pain really does get in the way huh.

    It’s weird, I never thought about my relationship being a mistake because of all the pain afters though I get what you mean. I think I just have a lucky tendency to quickly move past things I know I can’t change, spend time on things that I can instead.  Though thinking about it now maybe I should occasionally think more to learn from them…

    Take care both – you have both come a long way from where we started. Hang in there, it will get brighter ( if only because the sun’s still rising here it’s so damn early….!! )

     

    #306793

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning both,

    Yes Michelle, the exhaustion is definitely showing through at the moment!

    The thing about myself & Mr A is that technically we’re not in a ‘bad’ place.. But things just aren’t the same anymore. We find ourselves sort of in a never ending cycle of my needs aren’t being met and then he will turn distant and then I’ll try my best to be loving (because he specified that as one of his needs) but he will kind of ignore my advances so then I turn distant and it’s a cycle that never ends and we are two quite frustrated unhappy people at the moment.

    Now whilst I understand that us getting back together post trauma meant that we would be building a completely new relationship, I wonder whether perhaps too much has happened to ever really be happy together again, despite loving one another. Also, I’m not sure if this is really the case as I haven’t explored enough but the way to describe it is I love him, but I am not in love with him. When I try to think of all of the reasons I loved him before it was because he was a good man, because he unconditionally cared for my heart always, because he was my rock, because he was my safe place, my joy.. and it made me want to do everything for him because I knew he always did the same for me. Now do I think he’s a good man? Probably somewhere deep down but I also now know a very very ugly side to him which initially shocked me, does he unconditionally care for my heart? Absolutely not.. Is he my rock? No! I picked my own self up, by myself, for myself through the nightmare of the last year! Better yet, he LEFT me to pick up the pieces by myself! Is he my safe place? Well how could he be when he was the reason behind the nightmare?! So my PTSD here is already sending triggers through me to protect me. My joy? Well yeah, we have a laugh because thats just how we are.. But does he make my heart feel light with joy because I am so proud to stand by such a good man? Is my heart full of joy because this man is absolutely making my dreams come true?  I don’t think so..

    It’s a lot to think about but I’m taking a bit of a back seat approach because I realise the mind/heart war is just not worth it. So I’m trying to analyse everything from a distant angle so to not cause myself too much upset.

    Shelby, I hope you’re ok! Can’t wait to hear from you xx

    #306957

    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning both.

    Entertainingly managed to fall of my bike yesterday – an impressive gravel skid across the carpark. So now I feel like I’m 10 again with badly grazed knees and elbows…….sigh…at least nothing broken, not even my cycling glasses! Apart from that it was good to catch up with the old friends who turned up just as I was mopping the blood off myself!

    Kkasxo, I get the cycle you describe. And that you are pretty much too emotionally and physically whacked out to think too deeply about it right now. As/when you are ready, no hurry.

    Sometimes we all go through a patch of ‘ok’ and it can be especially hard if you are talking in different love languages – so things you do which you think are loving aren’t necessarily interpreted by Mr A in that way and vice versa.  You also had a big shock when he got knocked off the perfect pedastal he was on previously – and probably are either knowingly or unknowingly still angry at him for your perception of him letting you down so badly.  If he was the one who was supposed to be looking out for you, how come he wasn’t there for you – and how are you supposed to believe he will be there for you next time. The blunt answer I guess is that he probably won’t be. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it makes the relationship ‘wrong’ , more of a examining if your expectations are fair. As in, he’s not your parents, it’s not unconditional love and you have equal share of making your dreams come true and being able to look after yourself. Fair is expecting him to be there, to be supportive, to work together with you and to help you for sure. But not to do it for you. You get the idea I know as you are a smart cookie. Not knowing what happened in the trauma I can’t tell if he was to blame or not – I get the sense it was his family that were actually the problem though, not him specifically?  I do still get the sense he wasn’t even half there for you though and that’s something you can eventually figure out if what he can offer is enough for you or not. But like said, no hurry, you’ve been through a lot and still more change coming up. You need to get your strength back first!

    Shelby – guessing it’s not far off the potential big day of handing your notice in? Hoping you aren’t too freaked out?! Either way a new job will be good for you, travel or no travel.  Hope to hear from you again soon!

     

    #306965

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning Michelle,

    Hehe that does sound like a real mare! At least you have a story to tell eh 😉

    It is interesting you speak of love languages as I brought that up in our ‘serious’ conversation last night with Mr A. We have both been quite distant with one another the last week, sitting in separate bedrooms, not communicating throughout the day etc and whilst it was exactly what my mental needed at the time I have come to realise that it is just not natural, it is not in my nature to behave that way. I am and always have been a caring person who loves to reach out to those I love, ask about their day, consider them in my choices for the evenings whether it be an activity or simply what to have for dinner and those things are amplified when living together so to not be able to do that has been a relief but also a struggle at the same time. I was very open and honest about feeling like I am not loved. Feeling like my needs and my emotional well being has been neglected. I was also appreciative of the fact that if he truly believes he has tried it all, then that’s absolutely fine but it is clearly just not enough for me.

    It’ll be 4 years together in October, he knows my love language inside out by now, and I know that because making sure I feel loved, safe and secure at all times has never been a problem for him in the past!

    I do think you’re right about the pedestal thing though. I do believe I’m still holding on to a lot of anger, disappointment and grief towards him for letting me go at the worst time of my life. But I think we are both slowly coming to the conclusion that that’s never really going to change… I mentioned in my last post all the things I used to love him for and how those are not things I can love him for anymore… Unless he proved to me that the events of last year were a mistake and he has learned from them and that he is indeed the good man that I loved, the caring man, the man I thought he was, then I don’t see my attitude towards him changing as I will always and forever be on edge and as a result I won’t be able to openly and freely and most importantly fully give myself away to him.

    Lets be honest, he has had more than enough time to do that right?

    And I realise I just feel sad all the bloody time! I’ve been sleeping loads recently but not actually resting, I feel tired all of the time. And I realise that emotionally processing your feelings is very tiring. But my point is if I am not going to be loved then i’d much rather be on my own than sharing a bed with someone who feels ice cold to me! And I did say that to him last night too…

    In any case, at least I am exploring these things now… at least I’ve worked enough on the trauma to be able to shift my attention to this now even if it’s a little bit.

    Shelby, can’t wait to hear from you! X

    #307135

    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning Kkasxo,

    Wow, yeah – you really aren’t asking for an awful lot from him sounds to me.  Planning out evenings, dinners, talking….that’s just the basics (to me anyway!) of living with someone you love – and it should still be huge fun and a novelty given how recently you guys moved in. Otherwise, yeah…..he’s more like a lodger, or thinking he’s still living at his parents!

    What did he say in response? Does he see/agree how he could have handled it all differently last year? Can’t help but agree, it’s way less lonely to be on your own than ‘with’ someone who really isn’t there with you.

    It is exhausting when it just keeps all running through your mind for sure. I’m so glad you are looking after yourself as best you can. It sounds like you are slowly figuring out together(ish..) if there’s a long-term future or not. Sometimes these things just need to come to a natural end, slowly, calmly, no shocks for either.

    Travel update latest…..have decided to head out for a few days in rural Spain before we go to SA, so will be spending 9 days in a tiny village near Ronda, Andalucia at end of Aug.  Cheap flights, nice AirBnB house and my best bargain ever – car hire for the whole trip for £5 total!! I’m still waiting for them to send me a message that it must be a mistake but I have an official confirm and everything! Mad….

    Shelby, hope all goes well up there, looking forwards to hearing from you too.

    #307191

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,I had partially started a reply the other day when I got interrupted at work and didn’t get to finish, so now I must try and remember what I was going to say and add on any further reply to more recent posts!

    Firstly some news- I DID IT!!!! I handed in my notice today. Honestly I have had bad IBS since their weekend and thought it was just something I ate as I was telling myself I wasn’t stressed about the job decision, but deep down my gut must have known better and responded accordingly! I barely slept last night twisting and turning & I called my therapist this morning who gave me great advice for more than 30mins. It completely settled me and gave me the confirmation I needed that fear was trying to manipulate me and while it came across as rational and convincing, it was still trying to shrink me. So I defied it and handed in my notice anyway. It was all a bit of a blur because my boss was dashing out to see a relative in hospital for a routine procedure but I didn’t want to leave it until tomorrow so I had no choice but to catch her before she left. I was as polite and professional as I could be and I hope it was received in that manner. However she was somewhat distracted so I’m sure didn’t process it fully. I imagine there will be further discussion tomorrow.

    I haven’t told my Dad yet although he knows it has been in my head for a while and that it was on the cards. I have mentioned nothing about travel to him. My sisters had Prosecco and takeaway ready for me when I arrived after work though which was fun!

    I felt relief after I did it but maybe it hasn’t really sunk in for myself yet either and probably won’t until I fully finish up. I’m proud I did it though.

    It was something I felt that shifted a cog which has been stuck in my machine for many years. I often see phrases and advice that the cure for grief is motion so we’ll see.

    Dont get me wrong though, while I’m happy to have made the decision, I’m still sad about things. I will miss parts of my job. And I’m still pretty broken hearted about my ex. Each day it’s the same, I think about him consistently and wonder will today be the day he might contact me. It’s not like I believe it will happen but the hope is undoubtedly there and it hurts. Reminders of anything to do with him really really hurt now and I can’t mention it or say anything to anyone. I kind of hate him and want to scream and lash out at him all at the same time as wanting to be curled up in his arms. I feel like it’s a frickin disease – why on earth would anyone risk this crap!!!

    Michelle. Sorry to be a total nag, but trust me from experience- wisdom tooth pain does not resolve itself. And the earlier you tackle it, honestly the much smoother it goes and you’ll be plain sailing. Otherwise I fear it might really throw a wobbler in the likes of SA when you’re trying to travel and enjoy yourself. I used to dread the dentist, especially after I got two wisdom teeth out via general anaesthetic in hospital- horrific experience. Then I found a wee dote of a dentist who is so kind and gentle to her clients. She treats me like a child which suits me fine! She went to remove the remaining two wisdom teeth, just under local anaesthetic in her office. The dread was real. When she numbed me she said is the sweetest Devon accent she was going to push her thumb in to check was I fully numbed so I would just feel pressure. I gave her the thumbs up and she said, well done, all good, the wisdom tooth is out!!!! She tricked me and it didn’t so much as hurt an iota! I promise you won’t regret getting rid of those bad boys once and for all!

    I’m so sorry to hear of your fall. Honestly falling as an adult is quite traumatic. We don’t bounce back like kids and we can’t burst into a complete tantrum and adults rarely fall so it’s all very unnerving! However, some say a small accident like that is a bigger one avoided – and I believe that.

    Kkasxo,

    Im so glad to hear from you, albeit not happy to hear of your exhaustion and sadness. I don’t know what will happen with Mr.A but do what you are able to cope with at any given time. You’ve been through hell and it’s natural to process things step by step as you’re able.

    It doesn’t sound completely like a loving, supportive relationship that I would hope for you, or that you would hope for yourself. But, you are definitely among friends here. I knew if I asked myself the question in my mind, many times when I was in my relationship with my ex, if I was happy, truly happy, the answer was always no. But made no difference. I wanted him and I wanted to be with him regardless. I completely empathise. He was perhaps just stronger than me and knew it was better to end it ‘cos I never would. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take him back tomorrow morning!!!!

    I wholeheartedly agree about the exhaustion. Processing is beyond anything I’ve done in my life in terms of the energy it drains. Even when I try not to process, I think I’m still processing. There are days when I don’t feel like I have the energy to get out of bed, but I inevitably always do because I’ve nearly always planned something or have something to do for someone! Plus my bed is a bad place for me to be. My head has too much control in that silence.

    I hope you can move forward in a way that one day you can come on here and write Shelby, Michelle, how are ye doing, I’m stupidly happy!!! Oh I wish that for you, from everything I’ve learned about you since last October, I can’t imagine anyone who deserves it more.

    When we made the pact last Oct to come back online in a years time I thought that was so far away and we’d be in much better/different places. Little did I think everyday would still be given to thoughts of my ex as we get ever closer to that date. Time flies and goes painfully slow, if that makes sense.

    My head is all over the place tonight with so much to fill it and I’m sure the Prosecco will have a damning effect on my mood tomorrow but I guess I’ll play it by ear.

    Michelle, how on earth is it a possible you rented a car for £5????? I think I need you to take over planning my travel!

    #307255

    Michelle
    Participant

    Woohoo!!!!  I’m so pleased!!! Well done you, that’s awesome. I’m so so happy to hear you managed to realise it was your fear keeping you back and go for it anyway.  Sure it’ll all go fine today, it’ll feel funny sorting out leaving dates and handovers and the likes. But hey, youve done the hardest part so now – more cheers & hugs!!!!

    Absolutely, action is the best killer of fear. Once you are doing something it has it’s own momentum, wherever it goes. I’m so proud of you which sounds daft for two people who have never met but hey, there you go. Just well done.

    And ha, nagging accepted. To be fair, this tooth has been this way for about ten years now. It’ll hurt for a day/two and then disappear for anything between a few months to a year. So it’s almost a familiar friend and not worth doing anything about as it’s always better so quickly. If it starts to last longer then I’ll go, no worries. I don’t actually mind the dentist, had to have a few teeth out growing up as apparently too many teeth, not enough mouth….  Besides, it’d be cheaper to get it done when back in Thailand – any excuse 😉

    And honestly, the fall wasn’t traumatic at all, just another funny story to share – especially as it was on the way to the pub to meet friends and I hadn’t actually had a beer yet!! Healing up nicely now. And besides, who says you can’t throw a tantrum if you want to, sometimes acting like a kid is the best way to be!

    And yeah, the car hire was just crazy – 50p a day – that’s even cheaper than the bikes we rented in Cambodia to go around Angkor Wat! If I didn’t have a confirm I’d be convinced it wasn’t real for sure.  Secret Flying has had some great deals to Oz lately, all under £400 return. So hopefully you can find something good but ofcourse happy to help.

    #307263

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Thanks Michelle, it all feels a bit surreal at the moment and Im sure the anxiety will follow along shortly when it all sinks in.

    I think I just felt like even though I don’t have the life I want, the one with my ex, the one I’m left with is not particularly happy so is there any way of changing it to make it less unhappy. We’re not striving for a fulfilled happy life at this point, still unconvinced but I guess I just wondered if some change would result is less sad circumstances. The result is still unknown so we’ll see.

     

    The weather was absolutely horrendous here overnight so I barely slept, so I feel like I’m running on fumes at the moment. All I want to do is get to the end of this working day and then chill for the weekend- if that’s possible! It’s a work in progress for me! I’m currently researching RTW tickets as often they seem to work out financially better than a single return ticket to Oz and I get to see other places.

    My sisters really gave me a touch of reality last night though about they feel I can and can’t do so I really need to figure out a budget plan!

     

    Absolutely all help and advice gratefully appreciated.

    #307399

    Michelle
    Participant

    Mornin’ both.

    An unknown outcome is better than sticking with one you know you are sad with – so totally understand. How’s the reality kicking in? I still think it’s great you have actually done it – it’s your first real step on choosing something for you.

    Yep, budget plans and a good spreadsheet!  The flights I saw to Oz were £380, stopping over in China – probably not on your list of places!  Do you have a better idea of what/where you’d like to include? Pairing up open-jaw flights can work well too.  If you share what you are thinking, happy to have a dig around whilst I’m planning our next trip.

    There’s a website called AirTreks which gives you a rough idea of different RTW costs – but it seems pretty pricey to me but I guess you can compare the impact of different choices still.  KiwiTravel has a cool Nomad feature which will rearrange places into the most cost effective order for flying, worth playing with.

    #307461

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Well I’m slowly letting the news of my resignation filter out to a few people. Needless to say my family have….animated opinions on it. Had a row with one of my brothers today who thinks I’m a complete fool for going to Oz. His only modus operandi in life is to go from one job to another. He never wants to be out of work, ever. He works hard but can’t cope without it. Anyway, we agreed to disagree.

    I find weekends very tough. I was looking forward to finally getting some rest and had a good sleep last night but woke up this morning with all kinds of sad. I did what I always do, tried not to dwell and hopped out of bed and got my walk in. But I am very lonely at weekends. I suppose it’s a time I used to always spend with my ex. Also, other people have their own families lives so not too many people around to hang out with, plus I don’t want to be a slave to needing to always be with someone at weekends.

    I’m no-stop thinking about my ex and when I consciously notice it, I do stop myself and say ‘Ok Shelby, you’re sad, that’s ok…but you’re just making yourself suffer by imagining him out with other women this weekend’. So I immediately try to distract myself, because that really is a form of self torture.

    If I’m completely honest, my desire to travel is in some ways still connected to him. I’d be lying if i didn’t admit that I’d love my news of travels to filter back to him and for him to be jealous (he’s obsessed with travel but is kind stuck). I hate that I want him to know and that I want him to think I’m making something wonderful of my life without him, but there it is. I said it. If I can’t be totally honest with somewhat anonymous people online, when can I ever be?! I hope you’re not disappointed.

    At the moment I want to be less self-aware. It is not helping me. Years ago when my heart was first broken in my early 20s – minute by comparison – but it’s relative – I handled it much better. Now I completely overthink everything.

    @kkasxo, I’m not journaling. I don’t know what has happened. Remember last Sept/Oct I carried this massive refill pad around with me like an oxygen tank and wrote every couple of hours. Now I look over at it in my bedroom and pick up a pen and then put it down again and think, I’m not bothered. How do you make peace with who you are? I am not happy, I find life difficult and I wonder is it because I’m a HSP. How do I accept what I am?

    Michelle,

    I had lots of ideas for locations in my head with RTW plans and then my sisters kind of brought me back to reality and said I’d just about be able to afford Oz and maybe NZ for a couple of weeks, so now I don’t know. I have made a big decision but now I’m floating in life with absolutely no direction or idea of how to be happy. My ex was my future. I didn’t have a Plan B. Now I have no choice but to make a Plan B and all I can feel is that it’ll be a poor comparison. I don’t know how I ended up as someone who has that frame of mind or why it occurred, but it’s here nonetheless.

    My friends in Oz have recommended KL as a good place for a stop-off en route as it’s got a mix of western and eastern culture, it clean and safe with lots to see and do. After that, maybe Thailand but my sisters didn’t think Thailand was a bucket list place when they were there. I don’t know.I think I’m nearly talking myself out of Oz at this stage, but I’m wondering is it like Thursday morning before I resigned, my head (fear) had me wondering was I doing the right think, was I being rash…and my therapist called and said, yep that sounds a lot like our manipulative little friend/foe fear, so I don’t know is this a similar situation.

    Sorry I’m not sure if I’m making sense, I hope you can follow x

    #307511

    X
    Participant

    Hi, Shelby,

    I apologise for jumping in uninvited.

    Just a quick note to say that for me, travelling after a breakup held and continues to hold lots of positives.

    First, it does shake you up, moves your focus, etc. etc.

    Second, even though I also thought I would be visiting all these places with my beau, nevertheless, the list contained places that I wanted to see. “I” came first and to visit those places with “him” was second. Very good for those who tend to fall into co-dependency. And now that I am coming to the end of that list, I have another list that I made up without having him in mind. That is also healing and liberating.

    Third, even though I missed my ex when travelling initially (I would keep hearing him in my head when doing this or that and surely missed him when had to haul all my things into an airport lavatory with me or ask somebody to put my suitcase into an overhead bin), sometime after the first third of the list was done, I stopped wishing he were with me. I really started enjoying things like a glass of wine at sunset in a good restaurant all by myself and for myself and actually started to pity him (!) Something along the lines of “What a fool you are! But it is your problem now and it’s not of my doing.”

    Finally, when now I look back on where I have been, I feel immensely proud of myself. That him not being with me didn’t stop me from going. That I did it all, I, so independent and confident of myself. And yes, my ex didn’t really go anywhere despite claiming he wanted to visit this place and that place, so now I feel like I am so far ahead of him I don’t even want to look back. And if I learn that he has been somewhere, I am not jealous at all for I have been to so many more places myself since the breakup.

    And Australia and New Zealand are amazing. For some reason, just opening news in the morning and reading everything dated yesterday (because of where the International Date Line happens to be) made me think like I am on the threshold of a new day  being born, akin to an artist who can paint everything that s/he wants on a white canvass right in front. And I am not even talking about all the animals and nature! And the seasons are opposite to the ones in the Northern Hemisphere so it messes your sense of time gone in a good way (at least for me).

    Do go, absolutely!

    And do take care.

    #307529

    Michelle
    Participant

    Mornin’ Shelby,

    Ah, the joy of people’s reactions to anything ‘not normal’, that doesn’t follow societies well-scripted path…I know I got, and still get, a lot of reaction to my early retirement for sure and I don’t exactly go around telling everyone as that would seem like showing off to me, not my style.  I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother is so mad as it makes him think a little about his own choices, perhaps just a little envious you are doing something he’d quite like to do but doesn’t have the courage to take the risk.  It just tends to get expressed as “hey, are you mad or what…that’s so irresponsible……do the right thing like everyone else and put up with your lot….etc….etc ” Am I close 😉   Good work on agreeing to disagree, best outcome.

    Not that it matters but no, I’m not disappointed your travel drive is motivated by your ex. Tbh, I’d already kinda figured it was, given he was into travel and wouldn’t expect you to be able to do this on your own.  Hey – your ‘talking’ to the woman who spent the first 4-6 months post break up with pretty much all her actions directly motivated by ‘proving’ myself, all the weight loss, exercise, travel etc. I remember my Mum in particular shouting at me one weekend when she realised it was still all about him. But you know what – in the end the reason for the drive didn’t matter. Just doing it was what mattered – it was that taking action, increasing confidence & self-belief, all the ‘good’ stuff, that comes from facing fear.  So yeah, I’m with your therapist here that it’s your fear speaking up again, Martha’s just throwing a wobbly – “what, first your job and now this, are you crazy?!”.

    Weekends were always tougher for me too, plenty of time for the self-torture to creep in. Good to hear you are sticking with the walking – don’t be too tough on yourself about wanting to be with people, you do what you gotta do at this point.

    Reality check on budget is good, though people have very different ideas of what a budget can achieve. Assuming you don’t want to share details here but if it helps, our 2 months around Asia cost under £3.5k for both of us, everything included, all accommodation,food, drink – and cocktails 😉  You can’t quite half it for one but close, so £50/day is a generous enough budget. We didn’t do it budget style either but SE Asia is cheap. The flights to get there are the big part so the longer you stay, the cheaper your daily average. There’s a ton of good budget airlines/boats/buses that way once in the region. Oz is obviously more expensive but if you line up a few house-sits etc, that will save you on both accommodation and eating out all the time.  KL is so cheap – planning on stopping there when we go back next year – you can get amazing hotel rooms for next to nothing so defn would second that recommendation.

    If you want to go only for a few weeks and your heart is set on Oz, then just focus there. Staying in a few places for longer instead of moving around every few days is both way cheaper and gentler on the body – slow travel remember!

    Not sure where your sisters went in Thailand but I’d have to disagree with them there – it’s an awesome place so long as you stay away from the big tourist trap places.  It was so friendly, so cheap, gorgeous scenery and weather, amazing food, awesome culture and I’d have to say probably the safest place I’ve felt – literally turned up late at night in Chiang Mai but instantly felt comfortable, despite all the strangeness.  Needless to say, it’s already on my list for going back post Christmas next year!  But I remember you saying you didn’t think it would be for you, and that’s what’s important here.

    So my take, listen to your therapist, acknowledge your fear and recognise it’s driven by your ex but hey, do it anyway. You’ve wanted to try it for so long. Plan out something realistic, manageable but with enough of a stretch so you get to feel the joy of exploring.  Even if you go for just a couple of weeks, it’s still an awesome thing to do.

    #307669

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    X,

    Thanks so much for your advice. It means a lot. I get into a bubble in my head and I genuinely feel I am the only soul on this planet who is having difficulty getting over her ex. That I will never heal and melancholy will be my compassion forever more, like something from a Austen novel.

    When people like yourself outline similar experiences with breakups, it opens up a tiny crack in the wall of despair I feel and for a moment I consider that one day I can be like you all, the ones who make it through and realise what it all meant!

    I am worried about the travel, but I’m glad your motivation for going started to fade as the trip continues…..maybe that will happen for me? I hope so!

    Michelle, heehee, you are ‘on the ball’! I was afraid of saying what part of my motivation for travel would be in case you’d be disappointed in me (story of my life!) and I know you said before you wouldn’t be able to further contribute to advice on the situation with my ex, so I tried to keep as much to myself as possible, but I guess you saw through it anyway!

    To be honest, I’ve always wanted to travel. I’ve been a dreamer from a young age and the world seemed such a remarkable and magical place, I wanted to explore. With the ex, it seemed like more of a possibility, with less worries about safety and lugging heavy loads and also additional bliss of romance! When that ended, the idea of doing it alone, with no-one to share it with seemed a bit empty. I didn’t see the point.

    I don’t feel back to my old self yet, I think that will take a long time, if ever. But something deep down has always had the call of foreign landscapes rooted in gut, however buried.

    When I have travelled solo in the past, I’ve been so proud of myself, where I’ve gone and what I’ve seen. I’d love to have that feeling back again, but to be fair, back then, that was prior to relationship and I knew no better. Now I realise how amazing having someone special with you on a trip can be. It’s frustrating!

    I know Oz and Nz in themselves will be expensive but I just think if I’m going that far, it would honestly be a waste not to do one trip to Asia even. My bad about Thailand actually- it was Fiji they said I could live without!

    I haven’t a clue where to go. So if KL is on my list for a couple of days, I wonder where from there would be amazing in that general area. Actually I should get out a map, my geography is rusty!!!

    My second consideration is, if returning home, which is better, back through Asia/UAE or going round by the USA? Or does it make a difference.

    If I go USA, then I’d wanna stop there and that will prob cost a fortune!!! So maybe I should leave that until I’m gainfully employed again.

    My therapist suggested something with my MUA qualification. Ooh I got my results today and passed with a high merit! Anyway, he suggested maybe asking at a local nursing home or cancer clinic if any ladies would like me to do their makeup for free to help them feel a little better. I really really like the idea, because I genuinely feel my best in this world when I help people and also it would be a sociable thing to do and also help me improve my skill.(mature skin is the hardest to work on).

    Anyways, I guess this is what happens when you cut yourself adrift and have no direction! Every direction becomes an option!

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