Hi ladies,

Apologies for the lack of posting recently, I needed a little break away from everything since the anniversary.

It has been a tough ride, on the day the flashbacks and everything was kicking the absolute sh** out of me! I was so angry at my brain for putting me through that, honestly. On a normal day I am so amazed by how our bodies and brains can develop certain behaviours etc to protect us and keep us safe and then on days like those I wonder why they choose to remind us of all of the bad in this world! Nevermind, I have survived! Although (thankfully) the PTSD side of things has eased off since the day, I’ve now found myself in a bit of a ’empty’ zone.. Completely emotionally detached but very easily irritable. Now I know from myself that this is just a sign of being tired, both physically, emotionally and mentally. Doing all this never ending personal work whilst holding down a job, a barely there situationship (because it isn’t a relationship really..) and now a household is hard work and it shows because most days my brain feels like scrambled egg, I can’t even focus on work! I may just fly off somewhere week after next completely on my own to get my well deserved rest, I will be looking for flights tonight!

I just looked through some of your recent posts and it seems I’m not the only one who’s been having a bit of a rough time lately. Shelby sweets, on one hand I am sad that you are sad but on the other I am so pleased as there is a lot of raw and uncensored honesty and truth in your posts. You are dealing with A LOT! And whatever emotions are associated with that are absolutely 100% okay. It is true, some people (lucky buggers) don’t really spend too much time worrying about their life, they haven’t experienced trauma or hardships but unfortunately life is unfair in that way and some of us get served the sh**ty things..

You mentioned in one of your posts that meeting your ex wasn’t worth the pain you are dealing with now as a result. And do you know what? So be it! I feel exactly the same about Mr A. Meeting him and our beautiful three years together, no matter how perfect, were simply not worth any of the losses I incurred because of our relationship. I damn near enough lost my life ultimately because of this relationship, absolutely not worth it! But with that in mind, it is done now, had I known then what I know now maybe things would’ve been different, but they aren’t. And yes I would do anything in the world to be able to go back in time, make different choices, walk away the first time he said hello! Ah how I wish! But I can’t. That is an extremely difficult thing to accept but there is literally no other choice. So we keep moving forward, because we can’t go back..

We have good days, bad days, distracted days, empty days, days where the only good thing that’s happened is the fact that it’s 5PM and I get to go home from work, and days where all I do is sleep all day! But time keeps moving forward regardless..

I think you need to be super kind to yourself in this time because it feels to me like you are doing a lot of undercover work on yourself which even you may not be aware of. As difficult as it may be, try to focus on little joys for the time being. Remember that time when I was absolutely at the lowest of the low and I forced myself out of bed just to go to Tesco to buy myself my favourite expensive coffee so that I have something to look forward to? So that for a moment I can feel happy? It sounds really sad but that was my reality.. And those little moments are what eventually helped to get me out of the hell hole.. Also journal, journal everything and anything. There were days when I used to journal 10/15 times a day, small tiny details but it was a release. I needed all of these overwhelming feelings and thoughts to be released from my mind otherwise I would’ve gone crazy!

And keep talking, keep venting. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, upset, disappointed, fuming at all the bad stuff that has happened! And then work on letting it go..

Be patient with yourself, these things take time… unfortunately.

Morning both,

Yes Michelle, the exhaustion is definitely showing through at the moment!

The thing about myself & Mr A is that technically we’re not in a ‘bad’ place.. But things just aren’t the same anymore. We find ourselves sort of in a never ending cycle of my needs aren’t being met and then he will turn distant and then I’ll try my best to be loving (because he specified that as one of his needs) but he will kind of ignore my advances so then I turn distant and it’s a cycle that never ends and we are two quite frustrated unhappy people at the moment.

Now whilst I understand that us getting back together post trauma meant that we would be building a completely new relationship, I wonder whether perhaps too much has happened to ever really be happy together again, despite loving one another. Also, I’m not sure if this is really the case as I haven’t explored enough but the way to describe it is I love him, but I am not in love with him. When I try to think of all of the reasons I loved him before it was because he was a good man, because he unconditionally cared for my heart always, because he was my rock, because he was my safe place, my joy.. and it made me want to do everything for him because I knew he always did the same for me. Now do I think he’s a good man? Probably somewhere deep down but I also now know a very very ugly side to him which initially shocked me, does he unconditionally care for my heart? Absolutely not.. Is he my rock? No! I picked my own self up, by myself, for myself through the nightmare of the last year! Better yet, he LEFT me to pick up the pieces by myself! Is he my safe place? Well how could he be when he was the reason behind the nightmare?! So my PTSD here is already sending triggers through me to protect me. My joy? Well yeah, we have a laugh because thats just how we are.. But does he make my heart feel light with joy because I am so proud to stand by such a good man? Is my heart full of joy because this man is absolutely making my dreams come true?  I don’t think so..

It’s a lot to think about but I’m taking a bit of a back seat approach because I realise the mind/heart war is just not worth it. So I’m trying to analyse everything from a distant angle so to not cause myself too much upset.

Shelby, I hope you’re ok! Can’t wait to hear from you xx

Morning Michelle,

Hehe that does sound like a real mare! At least you have a story to tell eh 😉

It is interesting you speak of love languages as I brought that up in our ‘serious’ conversation last night with Mr A. We have both been quite distant with one another the last week, sitting in separate bedrooms, not communicating throughout the day etc and whilst it was exactly what my mental needed at the time I have come to realise that it is just not natural, it is not in my nature to behave that way. I am and always have been a caring person who loves to reach out to those I love, ask about their day, consider them in my choices for the evenings whether it be an activity or simply what to have for dinner and those things are amplified when living together so to not be able to do that has been a relief but also a struggle at the same time. I was very open and honest about feeling like I am not loved. Feeling like my needs and my emotional well being has been neglected. I was also appreciative of the fact that if he truly believes he has tried it all, then that’s absolutely fine but it is clearly just not enough for me.

It’ll be 4 years together in October, he knows my love language inside out by now, and I know that because making sure I feel loved, safe and secure at all times has never been a problem for him in the past!

I do think you’re right about the pedestal thing though. I do believe I’m still holding on to a lot of anger, disappointment and grief towards him for letting me go at the worst time of my life. But I think we are both slowly coming to the conclusion that that’s never really going to change… I mentioned in my last post all the things I used to love him for and how those are not things I can love him for anymore… Unless he proved to me that the events of last year were a mistake and he has learned from them and that he is indeed the good man that I loved, the caring man, the man I thought he was, then I don’t see my attitude towards him changing as I will always and forever be on edge and as a result I won’t be able to openly and freely and most importantly fully give myself away to him.

Lets be honest, he has had more than enough time to do that right?

And I realise I just feel sad all the bloody time! I’ve been sleeping loads recently but not actually resting, I feel tired all of the time. And I realise that emotionally processing your feelings is very tiring. But my point is if I am not going to be loved then i’d much rather be on my own than sharing a bed with someone who feels ice cold to me! And I did say that to him last night too…

In any case, at least I am exploring these things now… at least I’ve worked enough on the trauma to be able to shift my attention to this now even if it’s a little bit.

Shelby, can’t wait to hear from you! X

Mornin’ Shelby,

Ah, the joy of people’s reactions to anything ‘not normal’, that doesn’t follow societies well-scripted path…I know I got, and still get, a lot of reaction to my early retirement for sure and I don’t exactly go around telling everyone as that would seem like showing off to me, not my style.  I wouldn’t be surprised if your brother is so mad as it makes him think a little about his own choices, perhaps just a little envious you are doing something he’d quite like to do but doesn’t have the courage to take the risk.  It just tends to get expressed as “hey, are you mad or what…that’s so irresponsible……do the right thing like everyone else and put up with your lot….etc….etc ” Am I close 😉   Good work on agreeing to disagree, best outcome.

Not that it matters but no, I’m not disappointed your travel drive is motivated by your ex. Tbh, I’d already kinda figured it was, given he was into travel and wouldn’t expect you to be able to do this on your own.  Hey – your ‘talking’ to the woman who spent the first 4-6 months post break up with pretty much all her actions directly motivated by ‘proving’ myself, all the weight loss, exercise, travel etc. I remember my Mum in particular shouting at me one weekend when she realised it was still all about him. But you know what – in the end the reason for the drive didn’t matter. Just doing it was what mattered – it was that taking action, increasing confidence & self-belief, all the ‘good’ stuff, that comes from facing fear.  So yeah, I’m with your therapist here that it’s your fear speaking up again, Martha’s just throwing a wobbly – “what, first your job and now this, are you crazy?!”.

Weekends were always tougher for me too, plenty of time for the self-torture to creep in. Good to hear you are sticking with the walking – don’t be too tough on yourself about wanting to be with people, you do what you gotta do at this point.

Reality check on budget is good, though people have very different ideas of what a budget can achieve. Assuming you don’t want to share details here but if it helps, our 2 months around Asia cost under £3.5k for both of us, everything included, all accommodation,food, drink – and cocktails 😉  You can’t quite half it for one but close, so £50/day is a generous enough budget. We didn’t do it budget style either but SE Asia is cheap. The flights to get there are the big part so the longer you stay, the cheaper your daily average. There’s a ton of good budget airlines/boats/buses that way once in the region. Oz is obviously more expensive but if you line up a few house-sits etc, that will save you on both accommodation and eating out all the time.  KL is so cheap – planning on stopping there when we go back next year – you can get amazing hotel rooms for next to nothing so defn would second that recommendation.

If you want to go only for a few weeks and your heart is set on Oz, then just focus there. Staying in a few places for longer instead of moving around every few days is both way cheaper and gentler on the body – slow travel remember!

Not sure where your sisters went in Thailand but I’d have to disagree with them there – it’s an awesome place so long as you stay away from the big tourist trap places.  It was so friendly, so cheap, gorgeous scenery and weather, amazing food, awesome culture and I’d have to say probably the safest place I’ve felt – literally turned up late at night in Chiang Mai but instantly felt comfortable, despite all the strangeness.  Needless to say, it’s already on my list for going back post Christmas next year!  But I remember you saying you didn’t think it would be for you, and that’s what’s important here.

So my take, listen to your therapist, acknowledge your fear and recognise it’s driven by your ex but hey, do it anyway. You’ve wanted to try it for so long. Plan out something realistic, manageable but with enough of a stretch so you get to feel the joy of exploring.  Even if you go for just a couple of weeks, it’s still an awesome thing to do.