July 25, 2019 at 12:55 am #304819
I would not be surprised if you are a little angry too if you see it as he gave up. Feeling sad is just part of losing something you valued, it takes time to get used to the idea it’s no longer part of your life, of your future. It can’t be avoided as that’s avoiding reality – the reality is you are feeling sad now – but it will not last forever, feelings change and you learn and grow, gain new perspectives. That’s what I meant about being gentle on yourself, as in it’s ok to be sad, it’s necessary, don’t worry or expect yourself you to be ok for a while, it’s a bit like grieving, takes time.
People will always make choices we’d rather they didn’t. You can’t change people’s choices and you can’t force them to want to be with you. But you can choose how you get through this, how you respond – and you are already making lots of good choices from what I can see.
Shelby/Kkasxo – hope you guys both enjoying the sun!July 25, 2019 at 1:42 pm #304901
Im sorry I’ve not been posting. I’m not in great shape. On the outside all looks okay, but on the inside it’s a puddle. Again, I’m sure my hormones are playing a part, but it doesn’t make the feelings they evoke any less real to feel.
I’m sad Michelle. Like sad in my whole life. I just can’t stop the tears from coming out today. I have so much in my life to be grateful for, but deep down I know one whole truth. I am not happy.
And being unhappy for a really long time in one way or another makes you feel like you could never really know what happiness is.
I’ve tried so many different things in my life to be happy and I feel like nothing has worked. Not in a moany whiney type woe is me moan, I just mean factually speaking, it could genuinely be a case of me being one of those people that can never really be happy in life. There is just nothing in this world that for the type of person I am. It’s unfortunate but I’m sure I’m not the only one.
We all can’t be the same, some people are meant to be happy, some people are meant to be curious, some people are not meant to be happy and we all just share this world together for a time and then it’s over I guess.
Im afraid of travelling yes. Of the loneliness but not being alone. You can find people to hang out with anywhere, but what about the loneliness deep inside no matter how many people are around. I can never fly away from that.
It does however make me glad to hear your stories of daily adventures which make you happy. You’re one of the people to get happiness and that’s wonderful. XJuly 26, 2019 at 12:56 am #304955
Tired out and with those pesky hormones, they don’t help do they…
Regardless, there’s a lot of truth in what you wrote, a lot of total sincerity which I’m honoured to read. Thankyou for being brave enough to share.
No, we aren’t all the same, life would be very dull if we were. And yes, some of us find it easier to look to the positive than others, same way all of us find some things easy, some things hard.
Admitting that one truth deep down is hard, it takes honesty with yourself. As once acknowledged, the only way through is change or acceptance. Being grateful for all the good in your life just still feels ‘false’, if anything making you feel guilty for not being happy with ‘enough’. I think you will understand what I mean.
And yes, I have a lot of happiness in my life but the thing is, I wasn’t always this way. I haven’t just been one of the lucky ones to get happiness, though I know the kind you mean. A lot of people don’t really think too much about their lives, they have no real need to, no traumas, no fears, no hang-ups to overcome. But I’ve had to work hard to allow myself to be happy, to not fear I will lose it all again and even harder to allow myself to be emotionally close to anyone. I still fight those natural urges to protect myself by running away, either physically or emotionally, though with so much practice now it comes much easier.
What I am trying to say is that I get it, totally. When you’ve been abandoned or let down by someone you trust and love absolutely, it makes trusting in happiness and being open with people that much harder. And when it happens a lot, it’s the only pattern you know. Shelby m’dear – you’ve had so much loss in your life – losing both your Mum and then for all intents and purposes a second Mum – I honestly have no idea how you found the bravery to even try being close to your ex. Those losses taught you that good things that you love with all your heart can be ripped away without warning. And so you learn it is safer to not be happy, not to hope for happiness because that way you will not have to hurt again. That you should settle for being ‘ok’, at least it won’t lead anywhere dangerous that may hurt you.
Even thinking about those losses is like poking an open wound, I know. But that deep down voice that knows you are unhappy – that’s why I know you aren’t someone who is just unhappy. That’s someone who wants to heal but just needs some help to get through. I am really hoping you manage to be brave enough to talk with your therapist about your Mum and best friend, I know how hard that is going to be. But I honestly believe it’s the only way to start to stitch together that hurt in a way that actually heals. That allows you to trust in getting to know happiness and contentment. To know you are enough, strong enough.
The loneliness deep inside is true wherever you are. It is only by showing your true face to others that real connections happen. It’s a scary thing to do, well, for me anyway – took me a long time to learn. It’s kinda what I meant about way back, about trying to stay “open to life”. We all have bits of us we think others won’t like, won’t accept. And you can’t get hurt by not sharing, only by opening up. Either travelling or not, the only time I’ve made real connections is by being brave enough to open and share the real me.
Realise I have gone on a little now, I hope by sharing I’ve let you get a sense of what can be, what I’ve gone through and learnt. In the meantime, a big hug and all my support heading your way. Take care.July 26, 2019 at 8:42 am #304995
Thanks so much for your help, I honestly don’t know what I would do without Tiny Buddha.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I’m all over the place. Had another argument with my sisters today. We were on group chat and my older sister asked for skincare advice and I started explaining that it will take time and I was blunt about her not putting a huge investment into her skin for many years so it will take a while to improve it, but they really berated me for the way I spoke. I completely see from their point of view but it wasn’t intended as mean or malicious, I was only factually trying to explain why it will take some time.
My younger sister texted me separately and said my tone was too full-on. A few wks back we had a group argument again where my sisters felt my tone was too severe on the messages. I apologised in person to my older sister that day to keep the peace as I didn’t want a bad atmosphere. Anyway this is just bickering but I feel because I feel so low, it makes me feel like who I am is not good enough. Only happy go lucky obliging Shelby is acceptable. But then I try to take myself out of the situation and see it from their point of view and try to see am I a complete cow and is it ME who’s the problem.
I have a headache since yesterday from crying. I also know I’ve reduced my medication with the aim of being off it by Sept but I’m disappointed in myself if this is the reaction. I honestly believed I was doing well in myself and don’t need it anymore.
I don’t really know who I am. Maybe I never knew, but at least when I was younger I thought I knew and ignorance is bliss. I honestly do not want to cause any friction with anyone, especially family cos they’re my closest friends, but it seems to constantly keep happening. I find myself biting my tongue 4-5 a days with my Dad.
Thank you for sharing your insight with me. At this point I can’t see how I will ever feel anything close to happy, I just feel everyday is a hard struggle of self awareness that has made my life worse not better.
I have a HUGE amount of friends and family and now while i’be always nurtured those relationships, I wonder have I just been a try-hard. I do all the texting, I do all the visiting, I make the requests to meet up. If I pulled back and didn’t do this, I don’t think people would go out of their way to have me in their lives. They’re all good people but they have their own lives and maybe I’m not as valuable as I thought.
I had tickets to go to a gig tonight but I’m not in the mood, so I’ve passed them on to a friend. Supposed to be going for a walk with my cousin later. But my tummy is all icky now with the conflict with my sisters. But yet, I don’t want to just apologise to ‘sweep it under the carpet again’.
Lordie this thread ya really gone down a rabbit hole in my head since the reason I first started it! I’m sorry!July 26, 2019 at 11:54 pm #305139
The up and downs of family eh!
Sounds pretty simple to me – you are changing, in fact, you have already changed. You are simply being your true self, the one that’s been buried for so long, all I see in those conversations is someone starting to be more self-assertive – which is an awesome thing – and not a cow in any way in my book. All they know if the previous subservient Shelby, the easy one so it will just take them some time to catch up with the change, but they will. It’s hard, the first few times you stand up for yourself, your stomach does knots with worry about causing confrontation and you feel like apologising to get back to ‘normal’. Sit with it, it’ll be ok, they’ll still love you and accept you – it’s part of that whole being your real self thing for true acceptance.
And yeah, life can sure be easier if you aren’t aware – but you are what you are and tbh, life without awareness is pretty pointless at times. It seems harder with awareness but really, it’s way more freeing and meaningful. Eventually.
I get what you mean about the friends. It has to be equal effort right, if it feels like it’s only you who does all the ‘work’, it quickly feels like they don’t really value you. And you know what, some won’t for sure. But out of that huge group will be plenty who will step forwards when you pull back. I had something similar on leaving work – after all, been there 15 odd years, lots of people I considered good friends, not colleagues. Some of which like you say, if I don’t make the effort to stay in touch would defn fall by the wayside but there’s the others who just as regularly reach out to me. You just need to give them the space to do it.
You may also find you’ve outgrown some of your friends too. Part of life is finding those people in sync with you at that point of your life. I’ve had amazing connections travelling as meaningful as age old friends – it’s all different.
I’m pretty sure Tiny Buddha isn’t going to care too much what direction this thread takes. But you could always start a new one I guess – what would you call it?July 27, 2019 at 6:29 am #305161
I think I’ll stay on this thread, while a lot of stuff is going through my head right now, my split from my ex is still a big factor and all this is part of me, my story.
What if this change I’m going through is me just becoming a bitter mean person. What if I’m not a good person? What if I’m one of those people that others try to avoid ‘cos she’s so mouthy and a bit selfish. I don’t want to be that person either.
Anyway, I understand that this week is particularly difficult because of hormones and a reduction in my anti-anxiety medication. I’m a little disappointed it’s have such a significant impact as I was on such a low dosage as it was and now I’m only very little of it, but I guess I needed it more than I knew which makes me sad.
Also I got upset yesterday as I found out my little brother has been put on the same medication and while I was doing his girlfriends makeup for a wedding they were attending, no compliments I paid to him could get through to him. He was so down on himself, he looked fantastic but almost didn’t want to attend the wedding and was just so down. Now he was hungover too but he is struggling at the moment and it makes me worry and get so upset cos I don’t want him to have to suffer the life I’ve been suffering. I’d do anything to spare anyone I care about from this struggle. I don’t know what to do.
Anyway, I’m doing my friends makeup for a BBQ this afternoon for a bbq she’s going to, so I’m framing my day around that. I went for a walk this morning but other than that I can’t find much purpose to anything.
Im trying to be smart. I’m trying to think of the things I say to a close friend who suffers long term depression and anxiety, that it’s lying to her and she will know happiness and feel better one day, but Martha is out in full force tutting that ‘who am I trying to kid’…..you can’t magic away despair! I just wish I could feel that life will get better but I cannot shift the feeling deep inside that it’s over, nothing more to be done.
I don’t know if that has come from my ex leaving me, because the pain of that stabs me every half hour and thoughts of him, especially moving on, cut me like a knife. Or if I have come to the end of a cycle in my life of my job/living situation/friends. I don’t know.
I have therapy next week but I don’t know if it helps anymore. I have such immense respect and rapport with my therapist, I don’t feel like starting off from scratch with someone new who doesn’t know me, doesn’t know my ex, doesn’t know my family. I feel 3 years of therapy with one person is hard to try and shift to a new therapist.
I wonder each day about Kkasxo too and how she’s doing and how she pulled herself out of the hole and she evokes a positive outlook.
Thank you for explaining your story Michelle, I can completely understand that happiness didn’t just fall into your lap. From our interactions I get the sense that you did indeed put in the work to get where you are today. For me, I feel like I’m broken deep down, irreparably. I don’t know why, my mum, my step mum, my ex, the life I thought i’d have, who knows?! Or maybe I’d still be this person if none of those things happened.
Today I feel sick as the situation with my sisters is ‘fine’ for all intent and purpose. We’re talking again which is better than not, but it doesn’t feel…right. I also messaged someone I considered my best friend the other night. She lives near London so I don’t see her often but we have always remained besties. But in recent months, she has had a lot of stuff going on with work and her family. She doesn’t have a huge support structure where they live now and he children and active!!! So she has her hands full! But she often doesn’t reply to my texts anymore. Anyway the other night I messaged as I was in a really low point, as I always felt I could do this- and have done in the past and vice versa- but I received no reply which hurt a little. The next day she posts on social about being out for boozy lunch with her hubbie as they both had the day off, which was lovely but I don’t think I’d ever not reply to a struggling message from her, no matter what I was doing.
Sorry for going on, I suppose all the little things are adding up to the bigger things this week. Thanks as always for your support. You don’t have to and yet you do. It’s appreciated more than you can know. xJuly 27, 2019 at 2:23 pm #305221
I realise tonight (as I cry myself to eventual sleep), it wasn’t worth it. None of it was worth it. I regret loving him. I regret it all.
I had a better life before. I feel I did. I know many say it’s better now, you grow etc. I don’t agree. My life was better before. My heart was better before. It’s like the relationship broke me and now I can’t be fixed and I want to go back to how I was before. I enjoyed being there.
Thats what makes me most sad, that I made a mistake that now can’t be undone and I have to live with the unhappy consequences.
Goodnight all.July 28, 2019 at 12:54 am #305267
Tough time eh. Like you with your brother, whilst I can reassure you that no-one, not even Martha, knows what the future is and that you are valuable, it’ll have little impact as when it’s what you feel, it’s what you feel – only you (and he) can change that. I guess it’s not too surprising he’s suffering similarly, you both came through the same hurt growing up after all.
Your relationship was not a mistake. It was simply you trying for something you wanted and it failed. That hurts, it sucks. You now know that you are not compatible with a man who can’t commit to anything more than enjoying your company when he wants it. But you know what, just because it didn’t work out and you didn’t get what you wanted – it doesn’t mean giving up on the idea of that’s what you want. It doesn’t mean going back to the days when you didn’t admit you wanted these things, a place of your own to live, a better job, a good relationship, possibly kids. They are still things you want – and things you can have. Trying to go back to a time when you just didn’t admit you want them is not the answer here – figuring out how to progress forwards is.
If you re-read Kkasxo’s posts you will see that, similar to me at the time, one of the biggest things she did was to give up on the idea of knowing her future. Nobody can and it’s especially scary if you are the kind of person who doesn’t deal well with change. Instead, she focused on dealing with the immediate problems before her that she could do something about. Allowing herself to feel scared and out of control without letting it take her over into a minefield of self-doubt. Taking action is one of the biggest ways to restore positive motion, to restore hope. It’s why the daily exercise and diet feels good – it’s taking action towards a goal you want of looking and feeling better for example. It’s why the decision to travel or not isn’t really about travel at all – it’s just about doing something towards what you want.
Yes, you feel lonely as hell and it doesn’t help when your best friends seems like she’s abandoning you. But she will be there if you let her know how you felt. I don’t know about your therapist, you can see from posting on these threads some people get some awful ones – not bad people or anything but ones that don’t help them. After three years I can totally get not wanting to change but perhaps you need to talk with them about how it’s not helping you. Not much point paying out good money just for a cosy chat, they are there to push you when it’s needed in a safe way.
Life is all about the little things – they add up to the big things. Now tell Martha to b@gger off and let you get on with putting your life back together.July 28, 2019 at 2:01 am #305271
I haven’t posted before and I haven’t read the whole history but it seems that your underlying issue is one of grief – you are feeling everything that happens to you really intensely because you haven’t been able to adequately deal with your earlier experiences. It might be worth talking to a bereavement counsellor for a limited period of, say, up to six weeks. Perhaps you could put your current therapist on hold while you do this.
It is sometimes useful to write down your feelings whatever they are – erratic, sad, angry, poignant, funny and so on. Use your diary as your best friend that you can tell everything to without fear of being judged, criticized and so on. Ultimately, it isn’t healthy to dwell on the past and I am sure that those who died would not like you to be so unhappy.
I hope you can find peace soon.
PeggyJuly 29, 2019 at 1:11 pm #305529
I can relate to this so much. Especially the part about first waking up and then remembering and feeling the weight pressing back down on you. I’m not here to offer advice, as I’m trying to escape a similar situtation. I just wanted to say you aren’t alone and I genuinely believe the universe will deliver the right person (or people) to help you heal. Hang in there, be extra, extra, kind to yourself and take it one day at a time.
Sending love and peace,
SJuly 30, 2019 at 3:34 am #305641
I’m moved by all the contributors to this thread. Thank you for your input.
It has been a difficult time. I don’t know why and when I don’t know something, I feel completely out of control. I like answers, I like to understand things. If I can understand things I can adjust. I completely seem to fall apart when I have a few days off. I’ve been back at work this week and a little more on a even keel, but as soon as one thing eases off, another pipes up. I have been in immense pain since Sat evening and taking heavy medication to be able to work, even had a crutch with me at work yesterday! It doesn’t rain but it pours.
I’m finding it hard to find any point to doing anything right now. Similar theme continuing about feeling how I’ve run out of time, the best of my life is over and no real clue if that mindset can change. The pain of loss of the relationship is really seeping in now, I sometimes wonder am I actually accepting it now, realising it’s over and that’s why it’s hurting so much, or was I merely in denial and the haze of denial has worn off. I can’t say at this point, I just don’t know.
Where on earth am I supposed to go next or what am I supposed to do and how will I stop 80 per cent of my day being given to thoughts of my ex and the ‘wonderful’ life he’s now living without me. I do my best to not spiral but it’s a poor attempt these days. The severe back pain the past couple of days has really put the frighteners on me for long haul travel now. What makes it bearable at the moment is knowing I have my family around and if I’m scared the pain will become too much, they are there to look after me, but in Oz for example, I could end up not being able to move in a hotel room by myself for weeks! Eek
I’m going to the counsellor later but I’m not optimistic tbh. I can’t see a groundbreaking moment happen anytime soon and it’s not from the want of trying! I’m not complacent at therapy, I try and open up as much as possible and discuss things etc. I don’t know. I am unhappy now and I’m growing weary of it. The relationship was probably the most happiness I’ve known and I don’t know how I can ever be happy without it, which is tragic and sad and I’d love to be a woman who gives the two fingers, but I guess that’s not me!
On a lighter note, have you any exciting plans Michelle?
Peggy thank you for the advice.
Sylvia- I hope you are doing okay, I hear ya. I know how tough it is. xJuly 30, 2019 at 10:01 am #305675
Hope therapy went well. You don’t need to give two fingers, you are who you are. At some point you will figure out holding on hurts more than letting go. Emotional detachment takes time, it’s still early days for you yet really. Eventually I hope you’ll emerge, would be nice to hear you feeling more positive about what life could have in store for you but I know it’ll take a while. And practice.
Next big plan is SA, though thinking about seeing if anything cheap to getaway in next week or so – given the UK forecast is pretty grim!July 31, 2019 at 10:05 am #305887
Therapy was fine, we didn’t actually get to use the grief method as he merely asked how I was doing when I walked in and the tears more or less burst out and didn’t stop for the whole session! I was a bit embarrassed really as I hadn’t intended to have such a meltdown- I had a dentist appointment after and didn’t want to look like I was on the verge but out it came! My therapist was kind and funny as he normally is so it was fine in the end, he even had me laughing by the time I had to leave.
I knew what I was saying would be contradicted by him, e.g that I’m destined to be sad and alone, that I’m actually a really crap person now that I’m discovering the ‘real me’, that I’ll be a failure in my travel attempts, that there isn’t a single other male human being on the planet that I could ever find and be happy with again….and so it went on. But to be fair, I did feel a bit better just getting it all out of my head and into the universe. It was driving me mad!
He said my work situation can’t be helping as I have not seemed happy there in the three years he has been seeing me and a toxic workplace is never healthy for anyone. In relation to travel he understand my fear of loneliness but his response was….’well that’s true, you might be lonely. But you can also feel lonely at home, so at least if you’re lonely Down Under, you can think…yes I’m feeling lonely…..but ooh there’s a wallaby! haha, he has a point I guess!
I actually had half a thought of Africa in my head also as my friend (the one near London) will be in Capetown for work in late September, if I wanted to curate my travel to swing that direction, but I’ll see how it works out! I’m prepared to hand in my notice next week and hopefully finish work on Sept 6. Well actually prepared is a bit of an overstatement, I’m actually freaking out, but it will either be a good decision or a bad decision but I won’t know either way until I do it and ye know I like answers…one way or another!
I realise now, I’m still brokenhearted. It happened for a third time, yes. We weren’t fully together this last time, yes. People weren’t even aware, yes. But now it’s over. I’m lost and I suppose I have to find myself again. I’d be happy to just be happy even by myself if I could do that. However, while I try and move on and plan things and progress as best I can, I can’t pretend I’m over him or happier, it is what it is. I’m trying to deal, but it does make me sad.
I absolutely love and admire your spontaneous nature. I think it’s a marvellous idea, why not have a mini-holiday to help you get in the mindset for the bigger one! Also, in my selfish ways, I would love to hear more stories of your travels as you paint such wonderful visions in my mind’s eye! So I’m all for it if you can work it out!
I hope @kkasxo is doing well and that there mini-break was good.August 1, 2019 at 7:51 am #306039
Ha – always the way eh, bursting into tears when you really don’t want to. If you are anything like me, it’s blatantly obvious when I’ve been crying too – anyway, I’m betting the dentist was too busy peering into your mouth and not your face 🙂
It always helps right, just sounding out what you know is crazy but hearing a good friend or therapist confirm it for you and poke holes in it until you can laugh at yourself again. Sounds like it was a decent session even if you didn’t get time to try out the grief approach.
I totally love that you now have a date in your mind for leaving work, as scary and exciting as that is both at the same time. Makes it real. Cape Town is awesome if you get a chance to make it there, though it’s not always the simplest place to get flights to connect onwards – best bet would be to go with one of the middle east airlines as then you could use either Doha or Dubai as a hub since they connect on Oz-wards. Plus they ( Qatar, Emirates etc ) are much better airlines in terms of comfort – their economy is like BA business class, flat seats apart! Ooops….slipped back into travel talk…
School holiday season is horrible for finding cheap flights, now I remember why we always avoid it! Thought had lined up a great house-sitting gig in Lisbon but they’ve changed their minds, may still go yet, it’s been on my (long..) list of places I’d like to try out. Fortunately my Mr S is pretty open to wherever I book him into! If you haven’t already done so – do check out those house-sitting websites, there’s a ton of people wanting sitters in Oz and the upside is they often introduce you to their friends/neighbours incase you need help, so it’s a good way to get to know some people locally. Other people also recommend staying in hostels rather than hotels – though as my days of sharing are way behind can I suggest a private room with it’s own bathroom…. Again, great for meeting up with other travellers. Haven’t tried it myself as tend to rent an apartment so can cook when we feel like it but friends have and seems good. Double oops……more travel…..!!
And so back to Mr Ex – exactly so – if you think about it – this is the first time ever you have really believed it’s actually over. The other times were just a waiting game of a kind. So yeah, you are going to be obsessed about it a while yet and rant away here. We’ll do our bit to back up your therapist and tell ya when you are being daft 🙂
Wait……..was that a wallaby I just saw ambling past…cool……August 1, 2019 at 1:03 pm #306119
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Michelle,</p>
I really need to get on this house sitting gig. It seems like a win win, you get accommodation at a good price and get to have a base and meet local people and they get someone to take care of their house! Right, that’s on my to-do list for this Sat.
This week there is a big festival on in my local area, I’ve been doing makeup for my sisters all week (it can be kind of fancy!!) As a family we used to all end up going to the festival on the Friday night (it’s a week long event). We might all go separately with friends or work buddies etc but end up together at the end of the night. It was always an excuse to get glammed up too!
I’m not going tomorrow. I don’t feel up to it. I have the day off work as my company does actually offer a complimentary day off for the festival (sole perk of the company!) but I’m going to do my sisters’ makeup again and just head home. They are urging me to go and not let an ex stop me from going to something I used to enjoy. But for me, it won’t be enjoyable tomorrow. I know exactly what I will do. I will spend several hours looking over my shoulder at every opportunity in case I should see him or bump into him and that’s not enjoyable. That’s just there for the sake of being there. So I’m going to stay home and rest my back.
This time I feel it’s gonna stick with the break up because I certainly can’t do anything more and I’ve been the one who reconciled 3 times. I won’t be doing it again, therefore it won’t happen. But it still leaves me so sad. I still dream of him having an epiphany down the road and seeing the errors of his ways, so I’m not quite at the enlightenment stage yet! Still a weepy, broken mess over here in my corner!
So im challenging myself. I’m so sorry, but I don’t believe you, or my therapist, or my friends or my family or all the books or all the Ted Talks lolzzzz that I will move on and be happy – I just don’t feel that’s a possibility deep down- BUT I’m willing to fling a few things at life and see what happens. Travel might make me feel worse, but hey, I’m gonna try it. Quitting my job might be the wrong decision but I’m gonna take the chance. It could all be a big mistake, but I have form on the mistakes front, so why stop now!!!
School holidays are great for families, but honestly the crowds are wearing me down. So many people. Everywhere! I confess I’m looking forward to when things settle down again in Sept and flights/hotels become more accessible again!