July 16, 2019 at 3:06 am #303537
Lol…..not old just a longtime friend i mean!!!
I met from friend who is home from Oz for a visit with her fiance and baby yesterday evening and she’s the friend who I have always been drawn to so much, she’s incredibly charismatic and motivating with such strong self assurance.
She was going through flight options with me as if it were a list for the weekly grocery shopping and completely doable! It is a little more reassuring that if I go Down Under I will have her as somewhat of a security blanket within the country if I get in trouble!
I think it’s time to let go of the job, eek, I’m going to hand in my notice in the next couple of weeks! It’s mad! I’ll be so broke, but as my friend says, you have the time or you have the money, rarely do you have both and you will never regret travel!
I am going to write out the list Mark suggested when I get home from work, because everything still hurts about the whole situation. Sometimes I get so mad, other times I miss him like a limb. I went to therapy yesterday but got a bit of an anxiety attack when he described the method we might use to see if I’m still holding on to grief about my mum. I wasn’t ready to try yesterday, but I’m going to give it a go at my next session. The gravity of my attack even thinking about it, seems to indicate there is definitely something there that needs to be addressed!
Kkasxo, I too have been wondering when your family departs? I’m so glad you are in a stable situation now to deal with whatever might come. Go you!
Michelle, when or where is your next trip?July 16, 2019 at 9:33 am #303577
Definitely a little bit of an emotional/intense time for me at the moment.
Tomorrow marks another one of those anniversary dates and whilst I keep reminding myself that I am safe and okay my mind seems to be subconsciously wandering back to the events of summer 2018. Honestly, on one hand the human brain is so incredible and on the other it is absolute torture! Why would I want to picture or re-live any of that again?! It is like a nightmare but in pure daylight, and ongoing! So it is tough at the moment, very overwhelming again.. I even found myself thinking ‘goodness I can’t possibly get through tomorrow!’ which is frustrating as it is a complete bad taste in my mouth from when I was in a really really bad place.
But if there is anything that I have learnt over the last year is that no amount of distraction will resolve or make you forget about all of the emotions and thoughts running through your body/mind, so I am just trying to sit with it and accept that it is just a sad time, I am entitled to feel sad, to feel hurt, broken or whatever it may be. If I need to cry then I need to allow myself to cry etc etc, that’s the approach I am trying to take. Don’t get me wrong, taking this approach almost feels like a death trap knowing just how badly it can spiral BUT it is the only way to work through these things effectively.. Or so I’ve learnt for myself anyway. So fingers crossed for me 🙂
On a side note, I think my family may stay an additional few months. I say that but they’re leaving for the summer next week and are coming back in September and then they have to be properly moved after Christmas as my little sister will have to start school mid year. So I’m grateful that I get more time with them whilst settling in.. It definitely does feel like if they were to leave next week now for good i’d be absolutely rattled!
Shelbyyyyy, I am so pleased to hear that you’re really entertaining the idea of leaving work and travelling! I feel happy for you! It seems as though it is something that a part of you has been yearning for for a while and so it’s nice to hear that you’re taking the steps forward towards making your dreams come true! I can’t wait to hear on what you decide!July 16, 2019 at 1:23 pm #303615
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi Kkasxo,</p>
You have had such a path of growth already. You recognise triggers, you don’t try to run from emotion/memories, you don’t let a spiral take control, you realise things have to be felt to be released…..I mean, can we just take a moment? What incredible work you have done! I’m proud of you, even though I have no place in your life to be! But it feels a long time ago since last October when I ‘met’ you first. You’re not the same now as you were then. Wow, you clever lady!
When someone says that objectively….oh Shelby you’re considering quitting your job & going travelling, I feel like it sounds like I’m doing well and have come full circle and don’t even need this particularly titled thread anymore. But ya know, it’s still not the case. I’m still heartbroken, I still miss him massively and can’t see myself moving on and ye, I’m aware of this sounding like further holding on…..as if I’m saying, hang on people, I’m not okay, I’m sad, I’m broken, I have to hold on to that cos if I don’t, I’ve nothing left. I dunno if that makes sense. But I still feel for and think about my ex too much I think and until I hop on a plane, never looking back & excited for my new future, I’m still not gonna be healed!
If I do this trip, part of it is going to be spent given to thoughts of him. It would have been ideal if I had done this travel before meeting him and truly immersed myself in the experience but I am where I am now and I have to play the cards I’m dealt.
Something weird happened this evening. My Dad arrived back and as I do each evening I hopped up out of his comfy chair and handed him the remote for the tv, it’s one of simple pleasures in a life that is mostly spent working extremely hard outside. Anyway he joked and said ‘I don’t know what we’ll do in the winter with just one tv’. It’s not so bad now as the long days mean he doesn’t come in until much later. But something struck me. The assumption I would be here in the winter. And of course why wouldn’t I be? I’ve been here every winter and nothing to indicate I’m about to leave, prior to this there were at least prospects with my ex, but now, not much chance in his eyes. But I got a startle, like I nearly felt I just wouldn’t be here for the winter and that was nothing conscious in me, as ye know I have no plan for the future. But something deep in me, just felt bad because he was talking about what he sees happening and I nearly felt like I was lying, because I didn’t feel somewhere deep down that I’d be part of that vision anymore. Anyway, probably just reading into things too much!
Im glad your family are waiting a little longer, it will really give you a chance to settle and put in a good foundation for yourself before they go. Maybe it’s happening then as it should?July 17, 2019 at 12:52 am #303681
First – big virtual hug for Kkasxo – whilst I know you don’t need it and you will get through today just fne, just wanted you to know we’re here supporting you through. You have come such a long way, it’s ok to be scared of slipping back. But just the fact you can recognise the possibility, that you can see the difference means it won’t last. The day will go on and finish, just like any other day and then you can hopefully take some time out to say to yourself, there I did it again, I’m ok still, I’m still here. Take care and see you on the other side soon. I’m glad your family are still around for now.
Shelby. Ha, was just winding you up about the old thing 😉 It’s great to hear about your friend from Oz – she sounds perfect to have as support in place, awesome. Yep, travel planning really is just a long list of stuff to work through, a bunch of practical problems that can all be solved.
I’m also happy (?) to hear your therapist wants to talk about your mum with you. I know it’ll be scary to open up and revisit such hurt but I also know you trust them to guide you through it safely so you can realise you are ok. Losing your mum and then again losing your best friend/dad’s second partner was a huge impact in your life, impossible for me to imagine but I can’t see anything but good coming from dealing with the pain, anger and loss of trust it likely caused you, in a safe, secure, trusting environment. You know they would both want you to be as happy as you can be and if this step helps you towards it, nothing but admiration for you in taking it.
It is also amazing it is to ‘hear’ you talk about quitting your job in a few weeks now, just being able to say/write it is a huge step I think. I absolutely get the not being able to let go of being broken. As I remember it, it’s like you don’t know who you are without it, it defines you so much, it’s all you’ve taked or thought about for ages and you don’t quite know what to do if you aren’t that person. It’s also scary to imagine letting go as it means admitting that part of your life is really over – I remember finding that especially hard, as it meant giving up on the anger at him and somehow letting him off the hook, so to speak. As well as giving up on the hope that it’d somehow magically work out in the future. Neither of which was helping me obviously but at the time, it was all I had to cling to as letting those go meant I had to face forwards and get on with it all. So yeah, I get it, and eventually I imagine that like me you’ll reach a point some time where holding on just seems stupid too. I actually then felt guilty about being happy for a while – how crazy is that?!
I don’t think the thing with your Dad is weird at all – quite the opposite. It’s literally you shouting out “but hang on a minute, you do know this isn’t where my life goes right”. Look at it as confirmation of you wanting different. Curious though, and no need to answer as ever, but haven’t you ever been tempted to have your own place at all? I know it’s harder financially but it can be done. Else I can see why your ex became an escape route for you, a safe way out to the life you wanted. Is that how you think about it – that the only way out of your current life is to find a partner? As you know that’s not true, right?July 17, 2019 at 12:57 am #303683
Thank you for your kind words as always. It is true, I have come a long way and into the light but on days like this PTSD is really kicking the sh** out of me! Since last night my mind has been nothing but a trigger zone, I woke up at 6am this morning crying my absolute eyes out (this hasn’t happened in a while). I am on edge, my mind keeps wandering to the events of last summer and no matter how much I try to stay focused on the present it just keeps re-routing and doing it’s own thing. Very frustrating as you then think ‘Hey brain! Why are you doing this to me?!’ I feel it’s going to be a long, sad day full of fear and tears. Full of torment and horrible horrible memories that I would rather forget but hey.. all part of healing right?
It’s crazy to hear that your subconscious is almost reassuring you that your plans for travel are going ahead. On the other hand, it’s a good thing. People all say that we have a subconscious and gut feelings to listen to them, humans many many years ago used these things for survival so we have to let it do its thing. I’m guessing as you have been pondering over the idea of travel on a serious level the last few days your family aren’t yet aware? What do you think they’d think of it all? Also, would it just be Australia that you want to go and explore or are you planning to do a trip somewhere else as well?
Just on a side note though, you’ve absolutely complimented my progress in acknowledging my feelings & triggers but Shelbs, you’re doing just the same! You realise that you may be sad, hurting, disappointed, a little lost, you’ve admitted those things, but yet you are trying your best everyday and coming up with solutions to better yourself. Proud moment!!!!July 17, 2019 at 9:30 am #303727
I’ve been thinking about you a lot today. While I was on my walk in the countryside, I literally shove good vibes out of my body and asked the universe to take them to you wherever you are because you need them today. Anniversaries hurt. I think they can be said, even if they’re a good anniversary because they symbolise the passage of time. But yours is just that. In the past, something that happened you before. It is not the here and now. I still vividly remember my two emergency surgeries and to this day when I think about them I shudder as if I were right back there. It was traumatic for you, it makes sense. But it can’t hurt you now. Your brain is just running a re-run, which is normal. Things that hurt us in life, our brain (as a protective measure), will re-run them with the same intensity, less we forget and make the same mistakes again. It’s like what you talk about when you say it’s really old instincts and they date from prehistoric times. It’s okay ya know, but I promise you will be fine. Let it run its course and it’ll naturally fizzle out.
Yes you’re right. my family are not so aware of my plans to quit and travel. My sister and her husband know – they’re pretty much my best friends but I’ve no idea how I would break it to my Dad or how he’d manage. Tomorrow I’m meeting someone about a job I saw advertised that looks interesting, but if I travel, I won’t be able to apply for it, but I know someone who knows someone in the same company, so I said it could be no harm to meet for a casual cuppa and make the contact, who knows what will happen in the future.
Michelle, this is something my therapist finds…….unusual, or perhaps amusing! I always felt the home I left my home house for, would be my final dream home with my dream man! I know, could I get any more Disney! But that’s just how I feel. My older sister used to encourage me years ago about buying property and getting on the ladder, but it was never for me. I never felt like buying a flat or whatever for the sake of it and secondly, I think she vastly underestimated what salary I was on!
Last summer, I did go see a mortgage advisor about trying to get something on my own. I was with my ex at the time, but it was my way of trying to take control of the situation and creating my own space and if he eventually moved in with me, so be it. The options were limited to say the least on my 4-day salary. Basically if I scrimped and saved and didn’t go outside the door for the next 20 years, I could afford to build a very small cottage/house for myself on a family site about a mile from where I grew up. To be honest, I just didn’t feel like taking on that responsibility at the time either and what if I hurt my back again and ended up out of work, you’re solely responsible for the bills each month, at least when you have someone to support you half way, the burden doesn’t seem so big.
I do know I don’t really feel like urban living anymore, I’m kind of past that. Since I started uni when I was 17, I had lived in the city in various house shares or apartments and it was fun, but I’m more of a peace and quiet type girl now and I life fresh air and space! I guess I have princess wants on a paupers wage!
Travel anyway seems to be the priority for me right now and of course, that debt will push me back further from having my own home so it seems a bit too fantastical to have my own place any time in the near future.
I am sick of thinking about my ex, where he is, where he might be, what he might be doing, where his family are all home from abroad for the summer, he’s even taking up my sleeping time, constantly appearing in my dreams. For goodness sake, when does this phase (i hope) pass? I have been watching my diet lately and exercising as much as I can and am starting to see the difference a little and people have commented which is nice. It’s kind of giving me the motivation to continue. I have two music gigs Im supposed to be going to this weekend- Fri and Sat. The one on Sat is one of his favourite bands and while it’s unlikely he will attend, and even if he did, there will be thousands of people there and I’d probably not even see him, I’m nervous. I considered not going but then I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction but I also DEFINITELY don’t want to bump into him. In my head i can believe he is sad and bunkered down and forgive me….dead…..but if i see him out enjoying a music gig with his friends, I think I’ll break. It is my friends birthday though and I’m bringing her to the gig as part of her present, so I guess I’ll just bite the bullet and suck it up!
As for travel, I don’t know how long I would go for but Oz & NZ, Fiji would be on the list, my friend has recommended Kuala Lumpur for a few days too, so I need to find a good travel agent who is not affiliated with any companies, my friend said for a large trip like this, possibly round the world, travelling solo, a travel agent is usually a good bet, so we’ll see! Eek, I might for for two weeks and be in bits and arrive back home!July 18, 2019 at 12:02 am #303775
Kkasxo, likewise, was thinking about you yesterday and hoping you were getting through ok. Just another day and yes, brains are so unhelpful at dragging up stuff you don’t want to think about. The more you try and ignore it, the stronger they get so yes, acknowledge them but also know they can’t hurt you and move on to something else once felt. I hope you are a little better today, now that the day is gone.
Shelby – ha, yeah – that’s pretty much ultimate ultimate Disney!! My prince will arrive and whisk me off to his lavish castle eh 😉 Seriously, you never even thought you’d meet a guy and work together for your dream house, just that he’d have it all ready for you? No wonder you are so reluctant to let go of this guy. But hey, no judgement from me, it’s just a dream after all and I think most people dream of similar easy ways out tbh. It’s funny you mention one of your options was building your own home, we actually built ours down here, yep, I did brick-laying, insulating, plasterboarding, floors, you name it – if it was labour-intensive and not skilled, we did it! But yes, it was very hard work in our ‘spare’ time whilst holding down my job and I couldn’t imagine have done it my myself for sure.
Good to hear the exercise/diet combo is paying off – the boost is nice right when you can start to notice the difference and especially when others do. The gigs sound fun though I get the worry about potentially seeing him there – and even worse than not dead but with someone else. It does seem very unlikely you will see him and yeah, it shouldn’t stop you going. It sometimes helps me to think ahead about what I’d do if the ‘worst’ does happen just so that I can try to avoid dissolving into a teary mess in front of them, given that’s not the impression I’d want to leave!
Travel plans sound amazing…..Oz, NZ, Fiji eh…..funnily enough think I’ll be in Kuala Lumpar next year when we do our post winter Christmas escape. Thinking so far is Thailand ( Chiang Mai, Krabi ) down to Langwai island, Maylasia, onto to KL, down to Bali then back up to Vietnam. But who knows, lots more fun research to do yet! Boots’n’all is a good website for RTW travel, has a free eplanning book(?) you can get, may help. Cor – starts to sound real proper exciting eh!July 18, 2019 at 6:11 am #303789
Oh God no, I never wanted a guy to sweep in and carry me to his castle! You might have taken me up wrong! It was absolutely about working on it together, i was raised very much about having my own share in things and paying my own way. I would never rely on a man to provide something like that for me. I just thought that I’d fall in love, have a relationship and things would progress and we’d talk about getting/building a home together and we’d take it from there. I never really had much interest in taking something on on my own, so was happy enough to live at home in the meantime!
I don’t believe if I met the ex at the gig, he would be with a new romantic interest, it took him long enough to even get into a relationship with me, I know he is telling himself and in fairness probably feeling how much easier life is now with not having to deal with the demands of being with someone, so I know him, to as much a degree as I can, he wouldn’t. However if pigs fly and he is there with someone else……GOOD RIDDANCE!
Now that I have kinda made up my mind to leave work I feel so guilty with all the various things that are being future planned i my workplace right now and Im there saying…’sure ya, September is a good time to do that or this etc etc’…eek, I feel like a traitor or a liar! Oh well, that’s part of it I guess.
Your travel sounds incredible, I think I would be far to chicken to try all of those places you mentioned! But I’m looking forward to your constant updates hopefully!
How are you feeling today Kkasxo?July 18, 2019 at 11:30 pm #303903
Ha ha – have to admit I’m kinda relieved to hear you aren’t waiting around for Mr C and his giant, luxury castle – did seem out of character with everything else you’ve said!
Yeah, it’s a bit weird, the gap between knowing you are going to do something and not telling people. How much notice do you need to give? It’s even odder when you start handing over work to others or having to say things like “I’d love to help but I’m won’t be here then”. It’s also incredibly freeing though 🙂
That’s the trouble with a curious mind – I’ve always loved exploring and can find all kinds of places I want to go see! Travel can be a bit ‘snobbish’ for lack of a better word these days, as in if you aren’t trekking through a desert and sleeping inside a camel or something equally daft it’s just not “authentic” or “off the beaten path” enough. But as I say many times, who cares what others think – the travel is for me, not them! Each of those places I’m still getting a nice place to stay and a beer within reach, trust me! It’ll be interesting to see what you think when you go – it can quickly become quite addictive as you realise what you read about in the news isn’t really that true at all and the world is much safer and friendlier than you think. And yeah, ofcourse I’ll provide updates!
Kkasxo, hoping Mr A is helping getting you through this time and that you are doing ok. We’re here if you need us, remember that. Take care of yourself, hope to hear from you again soon.July 19, 2019 at 3:01 am #303923
I’d have to give a month’s notice to be fair. They will really be in trouble when I leave as we are currently in a protracted process where we’re fighting the company because they haven’t replaced someone who quit last year. So it’s tricky times. I have been trying to hold on until they make that hire. if they ever do, but it gets to the point where I can no longer put my colleagues ahead of my own wellbeing.
I’m excited about travel but not so excited about a lack of salary I must admit! But I’ll take it day by day and try to do lots of research.
I have a gig tonight but the weather is atrocious so I’m thinking I’ll be a drowned rat by the end of it though! Tomorrow for the big gig though the weather is supposed to be better! I’m doing everything I can to get into the mindset of enjoying tomorrows concert, even if I bump into anyone or have any reminders and I’m going to try and make it fun for my friend’s bday!
Some days are strange….some days I get sad and down and miss my ex and then some days it’s like i just ‘switch off’ and don’t really feel anything at all. The distance and lack of contact – out of sight out of mind type approach- makes me briefly acknowledge to myself that I don’t love him now. Now that’s not to say I won’t be in a puddle next week again, thinking I’ll not be able to live without him and love him beyond measure, but it’s ebbs and flows and right now, because I feel distance, I feel detached somewhat, so we’ll see how this progresses.
Kkasxo, how are you doing? Michelle have you any fun plans for the weekend? Biking and beers always sounds so fun to me!July 21, 2019 at 1:09 am #304191
Hey, morning both!
Yeah, slightly busier weekend, was down visiting my parents and then spent yesterday brewing and bottling beer, like you do…it tastes great though, that’s the main thing! Today we will hopefully get out on the bikes now it looks like the storms have gone – we had hail yesterday! Crazy…
Hope the gigs went ok, nothing eventful re the ex and a great time for your friend’s birthday. Nothing like live music to make you feel alive I think.
You know that’s a huge step right, just being able to acknowledge that there are times when you are ok and realise you don’t love him now. Well done you. Eventually those bits just keep getting longer and the other times when you collapse in a puddle again get shorter. And then one day you suddenly realise you haven’t had one for ages.
A month is pretty standard right. When are you thinking of going – I think you said Sept/Oct so I’m thinking you have a few more weeks before handing it in? That’s so typical of many companies now, taking their time to replace people who leave and hoping everyone else just shoulders the extra work, just another way of saving costs. Absolutely not your fault they haven’t sorted it and yes, eventually you need to prioritise yourself……ha, is this really our Shelby talking…..I’m very happy to hear you say that you know 🙂 Yeah, it’ll be tough but it should also give them the kick they need to sort out their staffing!!
I was thinking – is this the weekend Kkasxo is away in Birmingham? Hope that’s all gone well if so.July 23, 2019 at 6:20 am #304469
Well I’ve had an eventful few days and by that I don’t mean interesting gossip, I just mean a few days full of events I attended!
The gig of Friday night was good but I enjoyed dinner beforehand with my friend more, it was nice to catch up after months and I didn’t get wet which is also a plus. The gig on Sat night was fun, we danced and laughed and enjoyed ourselves and we met up with my sister and brother in law who were out for their anniversary and we all got home pretty late and babies woke super early on Sunday morning, so needless to say Sunday was a write-off. I looked over my shoulder a little in case I saw sight of my ex, but no sighting thankfully. And then there is that little tiny piece of your heart where you feel sad and disappointed that you didn’t cross paths.
I was so exhausted I had to go to bed at 3pm and then I just collected take-away for everyone’s sunday dinner as I would have been a serious health hazard in the kitchen that day! Back in to work on Monday morning like a zombie but then had to get some energy to go to another concert in the festival with my Dad. It was amazing, he loved it so much and even got emotional during a couple of songs. He really appreciated me taking him out for the evening as he doesn’t do much in terms of enjoyment anymore.
But today, ye can imagine how I am! A shadow of my former self, I’m so tired! I’m definitely too old for a few nights on the go and super early mornings! BUT…..im off work for the rest of the week, so that makes me happy. I’m bringing my 12 year old nephew to see the Lion King tomorrow and to the amusements because he’ll soon be starting school again and I haven’t spent much time with him as he lives with his mum- she and my brother are separated.
Friday my brothers girlfriend has booked me to do her makeup for a wedding, so I’m making Thursday a me day – which will probably involve nothing but bed! I need to get exercise in though as my diet over the weekend took a major hit! I’m really trying to stick to my healthy eating weight loss plan though as it was genuinely making me feel better about myself.
Some days I miss my ex a lot and feel pain at each memory, other days I’m totally detached and don’t really feel anything at all, but those days are generally days where I’m not remembering as such, so I don’t know where my head and heart is at. It hurts very badly some days….particularly this week, as it did about a month ago for this week. So who knows what I’m at?!
Kkasxo? How was Bermingham? I’m guess you’re feeling pretty much like me with tiredness this week!
Michelle….do you brew your own beer? That’s unreal! Sounds fun and also practical if you like beer!July 23, 2019 at 4:42 pm #304573
It’s been about a month and I still feel the same. My boyfriend dumped me. The he gave me didn’t make sense for me. It’s a mixture of pain, sadness and longing for him. I’ve been trying to go out more with friends, adding more to my routine weekly and exercise. It feels like I won’t get out of this. I’m in so much pain and I miss him.July 24, 2019 at 1:09 am #304621
Ha, yeah – that’s a full on long weekend for sure Shelby – I know what you mean though, no way can I do two or three in a row anymore without turning into a zombie and feeling like cr@p!! Sounds really good fun all round though which is awesome. We ended up bumping into some friends whilst out on the bikes and so that turned into a merry afternoon too 🙂 At least with the week off you can recover somewhat, even if it does mean sleeping all Thursday! Maybe you can call it a travel research day and basically lie around with your laptop or whatever….. Seriously though, I know you are still up/down and in between but just try to best enjoy each time you get a break from feeling sad without wondering why. Any monthly pattern and you gotta think your hormones aren’t helping you much…and I’m so glad to hear the healthy diet/exercise thing was really helping……now get back on that……when you can get off the sofa…….. 😉
Kkasxo – as ever, hoping all ok with you and that you are just too busy to check in. Take care eh.
Redkarrr – sorry to hear you are also going through this. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it does get better, it just takes time and effort to come out the other side. Sounds like you are doing all the right things to help yourself as much as you can. Be gentle on yourself, you will be ok.July 24, 2019 at 6:53 pm #304801
Its so hard to be gentle though. I dont want to feel sad about something i know wont ever work out. I am willing to but he gave up.