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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 1,325 replies, has 38 voices, and was last updated by  Shelbyville 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #302413

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo,

    Sounds like that wedding brought out a lot of feelings. Have to admit I just don’t get the whole white wedding thing myself but I know a lot of people who spend years dreaming about it for sure.  Either way, those events stir up emotions so seriously, yet again well done to you for having the honesty to face the feeling – would’ve been much easier to pretend all was well and not talk and journal it out.   It’s defn a bit of a slap in the face when you realise you no longer think you want something that you previously spent all your time wishing for.

    I know you are smart enough to know all relationships go through ups & downs, times when you feel more in love than others. The heady days of early love giving way to a more settled but way deeper connection, if all goes well. I can honestly say I am more in love and understand more about the meaning of love now, almost twenty years in than I ever did back in the more violent first days. It changes and it’s awesome, truly mind-blowing. And yet still some days he’ll irritate me and I’ll occasionally consider if the grass is greener for just a few mins… but it soon blows over and I never ever feel like I’m settling, just damn lucky and annoyingly happy. As does he.

    So all I’m really saying is repeating what you’ve already said, see how it goes, don’t try and control it, your journal will show you over time what the trend is and if the feelings don’t return, you know you will be ok. Don’t have unrealistic expectations but likewise, demand awesome! What did Mr A say to it all out of curiosity? He must also be noticing the change in you?

    #302509

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Sorry for delay, it’s just been hectic. My boss is off work and my colleague/friend is also off and I agreed to take some of her work to allow her have the time off with her family as the company initially refused to allow her take the holiday time, so I’m up the walls!

    The hen party was ok. I enjoyed chatting with the girls I have not seen in a while at dinner, but I was really uncomfortable going to the pub after. I sat in a corner where I chatted and lasted as long as I could, but something deep inside me felt so ‘off’. I was so sad, I didn’t like being single in that environment, I didn’t like people out socialising, maybe trying to meet someone and I didn’t want to be among that group. But I AM in that group, I’m single now. It was just uncomfortable and made me sad and I kept thinking I saw my ex, it was unlikely and turns out each time it was not him, but it was all just icky!

    Kkasxo,

    I agree with Michelle, love changes and ebbs and flows. I see my sister, there are days she can’t actually be in the same room as her husband, but it’s just hormones or little irritants, it is very much obvious how much they adore each other and respect each other too, they are best friends and honestly the closest thing to #relationshipgoals that I know! We are the creators of our own misfortune in many circumstances too so maybe you preparing for it to end with Mr.A is a protection measure? I know I used to do it with my ex in the hopes that if it did end I’d be prepared and it made me apathetic at times and when I shifted my viewpoint to tell myself…that hey it might actually work, I found that my feelings changed and it was much happier with my partner. I don’t know if that’s useful, but said I’d mention it.

    I’m very stressed today, people left our company and haven’t been replaced so it’s top heavy with work.

    I’ve been trying to write this posts in increments for the past 2 hours!

    I will check out Kate’s blog Michelle as soon as I get a free moment, I love reading things like that.

    You are right though, not having told people about the last reunion has been tough as people feel I’m getting close to a year since the breakup and figure I must be feeling like moving on now at this stage! Little do they know. It’s heart wrenching, I’m sad and mad in equal measure, damn him! Maybe it’s not his fault, but I’m still mad!

    I don’t know what to do about travel? Should I go?

     

    #302689

    Michelle
    Participant

    Morning gals!

    Ah Shelby, the ever-giving Shelby 😉  I figured work had kicked off again, hope you are surviving!  Yep – everyone will be expecting you to be well over him by now so rant away here. Mad and sad is a pretty accurate description of this time. It’ll pass but go with it for now.

    You will love Kate’s blog I think, despite she is irritatingly fit and pretty, she talks a lot of sense whilst being inspiring with it.

    So – “should she stay or should she go”, to quote an old Clash(? I think?) song and show my age.  I have a view but it doesn’t matter, it’s what you think that does. When I get stuck on something like that I try to make a list of pros/cons, logically writing out why and why not. And then often there’s a logical winner that I sometimes ignore because by doing the exercise it’s become clear what I really want to do and why I’m not doing it.  For example, if I was back in your shoes, it’d look something like this perhaps;

    If I go:

    – I get to escape the grim weather. I will be free from the job I do not enjoy. I will see and experience some amazing sights and events. I will have some awesome stories to tell my friends and family, my TinyBuddha gals, my future husband & kids.. I will be so proud of myself that I overcame my fear. My self-esteem and belief in myself to be able to handle problems will rise exponentially. I will meet a bunch of new people and see first-hand how different life can be. I won’t get in touch with my ex through desperation. I will be able to tell everyone how heart-broken I am as they don’t know me. I will be able to be the person I really want to be as they don’t know me. I will come back and see my life differently. I will have less money/more debt. I will have to face my fears.

    If I stay:

    – I get to enjoy a Scottish winter. I will carry on with the stressful job and covering for everyone. I will see the same sights and have similar experiences. I will have nothing new to share with my friends and family, myTinyBuddha gals, my future husband/kids.. I will be disappointed in myself that I did not overcome my fear. I will not develop new ways to handle problems. I will not meet lots of new people and see how life can be different. I may well get in touch with my ex once I am no longer mad and instead desperate to try again. I will continue to rant on TinyBuddha about my heart-break and failed attempts. I will continue being the same person as it is hard to break out when in the same routine. My life will remain the same. I will have more money/less debt. I will not have to face my fears.

    You get the idea. Not that I’m saying travel is a “fix-it” , more that like we’ve discussed before, if you don’t change something, then nothing changes.  Just imagine yourself six months from now and which version you’d like to be – the one who stayed or the one who left and came back changed.

    Yeah, it’ll be scary and uncomfortable at times – you know you don’t grow as a person without it – it’s why you are plateauing at therapy. Figure out your worst case and tackle those fears into pragmatic solutions. E.g. will I be safe, yes, if you pick somewhere easy to stay safe. Will I be lonely, no if you pick somewhere easy to meet other travellers ( they are a very friendly bunch ) and join in activities/tours when I am struggling. Etc etc.

    Hmm….I honestly tried hard not to be biased in the above! I just thought about the difference between the two options. Hope it helps!

    #302699

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning ladies,

    Shelby, easier said than done but I agree with Michelle. You’ve been speaking of travel for quite some time now and I feel like the element of fear is holding you back. Now whilst that is very normal maybe it’s exactly what your soul needs at this point in your life? No matter how much you’ve been putting it off and debating with yourself you always go back to the thought. If you’re worried, why don’t you try a short weekend get away first? Somewhere like Barcelona or something which can be quite cheap and cheerful and not too too far from home. See how that goes and how you are feeling and then maybe you can plan a bigger trip away if that goes well?

    I always admire the bravery to travel on your own but I understand it isn’t for everyone. My sister has always been the quiet one, really shy and completely introverted and yet she travelled to Korea and Australia to meet with her BF who travels around the world, all on her own, she had to find her way to meet with him whilst there etc, the long hours on the plane, the change overs, the different cultures. It terrifies me, the social butterfly and yet she did it and did it confidently!

    I’ve got terrible anxiety today. I feel nervous, my heart is pounding and just generally uneasy. Although I’ve come a long long way in this whole journey (ever grateful!) I still very much have moments where anxiety or intense emotion hits and it’s still difficult to deal with it.

    Funnily enough I spontaneously booked a weekend away to Birmingham with a friend for next weekend. I should be excited right?! Instead I’ve got anxiety and want to cancel at all costs (I even considered completely loosing the money I spent on this just so I don’t have to go). How silly?! But I guess it’s moments like these that are still a gentle reminder that following trauma my brain/mind/soul is still wired all wrong. I’m all for pushing myself out of my comfort zones at this point in my life but having been the outgoing, sociable creature I have always been (prior to trauma) I didn’t realise a simple night away from home would be considered as pushing myself out of my comfort zone! It’s crazy how life changes. I think also somewhere in the back of my mind I’m conscious of the fact that this time last year is when everything happened. The long ass hardcore journey I’ve been on since. It’s all a bit much for me but like my therapist used to say, you’re safe now, it’s done, it’s not happening again. So it’s okay, it’s better and it’ll get even better. For the time being I have no choice but to sit with this feeling and let it pass naturally. On a side note though, can you imagine how anxious I would be if I was in your shoes Shelby? About to book a trip away on my own?! Haha I do have to laugh sometimes!

    On a further side note I am so grateful for you girls! Honestly! You both have no idea just how much of a big role you have played in my journey to healing!

    #302701

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Haha Michelle!!!!

    You are funny! I can clearly see the preference! I do hear a lot that travel is NEVER a mistake so that’s reassuring. I suppose I am scared of doing the wrong thing now timewise. If I want a certain life or whatever, even though I have no real clue what I want, would heading off travelling solo at this age in my life impede that? I don’t really know what I should be working towards more.

    I’m not based in Scotland actually, I think wires must have gotten crossed but I’m not awfully far away and the climate is much the same! My biggest question is really, do I actually want to go away travelling or is it just something I think is the ‘done’ thing. I think it was always something I wanted and hoped to do with the ex so I’m not sure if it translates as something I still want to do solo.

    I’m sure you may be rolling your eyes now at this stage at the number of question marks I can actually have in one post! I will say though that the hurt I get now from seeing vans belonging to my ex’s company around the place or the fear I have that I might bump into him, do inspire me to want to get away if for nothing else than to breathe easy that there would be no reminders or close proximity. However, I’m conscious that I don’t want to run away from anything either! Overthink much Shelby?

    I will write the list of pros and cons later and let you know what I find! Thanks so much, honestly I think I would be lost without ye.

     

    #302857

    Michelle
    Participant

    Awh, it’s you guys doing all the hard healing work, I’m just here to remind you there is light at the end of the tunnel ( and no, it’s not a train…. ) whilst sharing irritatingly happy tales of travel :-). But yeah, it’s a good journey together.

    Kkasxo – hope the anxiety has lessened a little. Whilst I know it’s tough, if you look back on where you were this time last year, you’ll see just how much more resilience you have for getting past another anniversary. You’ve done it before, it’s not going to hurt you and you’ll be ok, just a bit more emotionally up/down for a while. So you know, maybe not the best time to decide about Mr A or anything major and yeah, if you are emotionally stretched what you would normally consider ‘easy’ becomes difficult. I’ve lost count of the number of things I’ve said I’d do when in a good state and then have dreaded when they came round – but once you get there it’s so often “oh, actually, this is ok and you know what, I’m enjoying myself”. And if not – you just come home!

    Shelby, Shelby…..me, eye-rolling…..never……  It’s funny actually, you thinking travel may impede finding the life you want whereas how I think about it, you are far more likely to find the life you want by breaking out and doing something different. It’s hard to see how staying put and doing the same things is going to result in anything different to the last what, 15 odd years? Likewise it’s hard to see it as running away given you are more terrified of doing it than you are of staying put. Defn more of a choosing to do something different and let yourself try a different way of life than running away from reminders. I do get what you mean by the “done thing” though and yeah, it can be hard to separate out what you want to do from what you think you should do. I suppose I come at it all from a “what’s the worst that can happen”, which is you try it, hate it, hide from being open to the experience and come back wondering what the hell next. Which is pretty much where you are at anyway right?!?  So how’d that list go?

    #302887

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    I guess what I feel like is that if I want to ‘settle down’, meet someone who shares similar values, or at the very least speaks the same language, flitting off on travels around the world won’t help me get to that point in a relatively good amount of time before I’m 40. I know, I know, the age thing shouldn’t come in to it, and I wish it didn’t, I wish I could banish it from my head, but it’s there and demands to be heard.

    So here’s my pros/cons list – not as concise and straight forward as yours but I’m coming from it from my personal position at the moment I guess, which is a little different naturally from an impartial point of view.

    PROS:

    I get to see new places and cultures / no longer stuck in current job / distance from ex and any or all reminders / widens my perspective and world view / meet new people / develop my sense of bravery and confidence / break from the sense of responsibility to others

    CONS:

    Expensive / loneliness / missing family / difficulty travelling solo and long distances with chronic pain in back /fear for security / miss opportunity for some job vacancies which I’ve found lately / delay dream of finding someone I love to settle down with at home / delay having children / guilt about leaving father alone who can’t cook etc / not liking a destination when I arrive / let down colleagues at work who I have been advocating for on a serious ongoing issue

     

    These are all genuine thoughts that come to me as a result of trying to figure out the best decision. I’m still really hurt and sad though and wondering should I try and heal that first before I start making any life-changing decisions.

    A lot of the time, i just tired of all the thinking and self awareness.

    #302911

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey, it’s not a list competition! Yours is honest, brave and heart-felt – and more importantly – the only one that matters. So nice job there, it’s a good list. How did you feel at the end of it – just exhausted with the thinking or an obvious winner?  Tbh, mostly what it screams out to me is someone who needs to prioritise herself for a bit, either with or without travel. A lot of fear. And a tiny bit of excitement but a lot of guilt at wanting to do something for herself that will let others down.

    If I work through it…some things are entirely practical to solve, the harder ones are the emotional ones, unsurprisingly. Plus some of these things you can achieve without travelling and some of them will continue to be a ‘con’ even if you don’t.

    For example, you can leave your job with travelling and you can work on bravery/less responsibilities, though it’s harder.  You can make travel as expensive or cheap as it needs to be. Technology these days makes staying in touch way easier, especially Skype/video calls. Not the same, but pretty good. If you don’t like somewhere when you arrive, you change your plans and move on.

    As to the ‘settle down’ thing/ delay finding someone/having kids, unless you have your eye on someone locally I honestly don’t see how travel either helps or hinders that one. Do you intend to only want to find someone locally, is that what you mean? And not to sound depressing but if so, I suspect you already have a pretty good idea of the “available pool” and aren’t interested in them? So if anything it helps as you’ll meet more people and you can be in places or find groups of travellers/expats who speak english pretty much everywhere.

    As to the age thing, yes, it’s a legitimate pragmatic concern from the kids perspective, I get it.  I’ll just repeat there are many,many ways to be a great mother. If you are fixed on the idea that only your own biological kids will do, then yes, nature dictates you are time-limited. There are ways to extend the time, like my friend storing her eggs.  It can help to work out what your priority really is, your own kids or the family dream.  E.g. which would you choose – biological kids by yourself through artificial means ( i.e. no partner ) before nature does it’s thing and then perhaps a relationship or wait longer for a relationship later and accepting it means no biological kids but perhaps either inheriting an existing family or adopting together?  I realise ideally you want kids with the imaginary partner ( shall we call him Mr B, since Kkasxo has nabbed Mr A….) but since we’re both pragmatic people – one way to take the pressure off is to recognise nature’s reality but also recognise that there are still options where you end up in a good place for you, whichever one is more important to you.

    Back to the “To Travel or Not To Travel” , there is also obviously a third way through all this – have you thought about asking your work for a mini-sabbatical? I’ve (unsurprisingly) used these before and it’s win/win for both. You get extended, all be it unpaid, time away to make a trip long enough to unwind and think clearly. They get to keep a valued employee and not go through the hassle of trying to hire someone else.

    So instead of thinking it’s a major life decision and you have to quit your job and life and go for half a year or whatever – instead perhaps plan out something for 4 – 6 weeks, whatever feels right. It’s plenty of time to get the benefits of travel without the bigger risks/commitments involved in anything more major.  If they don’t go for it – you also have the option of quitting and going for those job opportunities you mention, it’ll take that long to get a start date and they usually honour pre-booked travel (again, something I have unsurprisingly done…!)

    Perhaps a decent half-way house to getting the break you need without feeling like it’s all or nothing. Hope it all helps – and yes it’s tiring to have to think – but you end up in a better place for it. Just don’t overthink it…….

    #302939

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    Thanks so much for your input. I kind of feel bad that you contribute so much of your time to helping me sort out my mess of a life!

    Ok, so firstly, yes, I put others before myself. For two reasons- 1) I get a pay off/a high from helping others 2) the guilt. Oh lordie the guilt. It’s absolutely useless as a feeling, and nevertheless it persists. My therapist thinks it’s the most pointless of feelings but understands that it can be bred into some people through family from a young age. I’d love to sing off into the sunset if I didn’t have a 3 tonne bag of guilt attached to my waist!

    As for my locality- there are NO eligible men! Well….unless you consider my 70 year old neighbour! But it’s not so much I feel I will click with someone from my locality, but maybe someone who I mesh with who has the same values as me, gets where I come from and I get where he comes from, his background etc! I couldn’t imagine for a moment that a French man for example would find me remotely interesting and I don’t speak fluent French! I’m waffling now, my apologies!

    As for the kids thing. I do not want to have them alone. I honestly cannot possibly admire anyone more than single parents, they must have the resilience of a iron clad wall. I don’t just ‘want to be a mum’ either as many of my single friends would have always said over the years. For me, it was specific to the ex, I never knew I wanted them and only realised I wanted his….because of who he is/was. At this point what I know now is that I know I don’t not want them, if that makes sense, but it would be wholly based on who with.

    Asking for a sabbatical in my workplace is not a runner. Firstly they will say no anyway, we’re understaffed as it is and I’m my own worst enemy in the amount I have taken on. Secondly even if by miracle they agreed, I don’t want to feel bound to them or that I owe them, it’s that type of organisation, they keep receipts! It’s small and they take offence at everyone who legitimately leaves to pursue something else!

    I liked your practical tips to get around some of the logistics. I guess I’m wondering…..if I make this move, if I travel, does that mean I’m working on myself and growing? Or will I just still feel this way 6 months down the road? That might seem like a very existential question sorry!

    I still find it hard to be alone. I get bored and restless. Then sometimes I can’t wait to get out of a crowd to the peacefulness of my home surroundings as I find chat exhausting!

    I have looked at the freezing eggs idea before but a friend told me it can sometimes be a hindrance more than a help, because they check your egg count etc during the process and that can frighten you even more if it’s low and you had blissfully living in ignorance and hope up to that point.

    I PROMISE I’m not trying to be negative or shoot down any advice, there’s some great advice I’m taking in. I’m just replying as honestly as I can to the ideas to tease out what will work and what won’t!

    As yet, can’t imagine Mr.B……Mr OneAndOnly still stuck back there. I don’t mean that I’ll go back to Mr. OneAndOnly- that hope is dead now. I just mean, in my heart in the future I can’t imagine someone coming along that would change that and actually make me happy!

    @kkasxo, how are you doing? Is work still crazy busy?

    #302941

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Evening ladies,

    Michelle – Yes thankfully I feel a little more settled today! We all knew it would pass right?! It’s just sometimes in the moment that it’s a bit overwhelming. You’re absolutely right, albeit it is still difficult I know this is just another one of those things that I will learn to live with and live through, just the same way I lived through back in february! I’m trying my best to look forward to the weekend away next week, I should be excited so no more sopping about! Life is for living.

    Shelby – Yes work is still hectic. But it’s good, it’s keeping me busy. Although I must admit that I am feeling a little drained now and having a real need to get away on a holiday somewhere..

    You actually have no idea just how much internal exploring you are doing in your latest posts. It’s actually quite inspiring and motivating.

    ‘if I make this move, if I travel, does that mean I’m working on myself and growing? Or will I just still feel this way 6 months down the road?’ 

    The answer to that is you just cannot know. You don’t know how you’ll feel in 6 months time whether you travel or not. You wont know how you’ll feel in 6 months time period. And whether you travel or not you are still working on yourself and growing, regardless of what you do. You’re clearly using your energy right now to really pin point your ideologies about life and kids and marriage and work and travel and I think overtime when you really start to check in with yourself you’ll find the answers were there all along.

    You mentioned a little while ago that you wanted to change jobs. Getting time off work for 2 weeks for a holiday is tough enough so I can imagine any idea of longer travel will be a nightmare.. If you do decide to travel, perhaps it would be handy to leave work beforehand so that you can travel as much as you want and then when you come back you can start something new, a fresh start?

    #303037

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo,

    Im so sorry, I’ve been so caught up with work this week, I’ve only had brief chances to glance at posts and missed your previous post. Anxiety is not fun, we all know this, but you had a pretty darn good attitude about how you felt the other day, that’s a far cry from what you would have previously said and done when you felt so low. You have indeed come a long way and bit by but you can figure out what is causing your fear, because that’s all anxiety is. Fear.

    You sound so like me last weekend when I had to go to the hen party! Initially when I rsvp-ed I thought it would be a good idea but as the date approached I felt increasingly anxious and just wanted to back out! I have to say it wasn’t have as bad as I imagined! It wasn’t the best night ever, some elements of it made it incredibly sad, but at the same time, it was fine……it didn’t break me down into pieces.

    You will have a lovely break in Birmingham, maybe its a part of you that has regained some level of routine/safety/security in your new place and new life and you’re just anxious about going to a different place where you can’t escape to your sanctuary if you need to. But this could be one of those challenges of growth we all endure and maybe you’ll be back here afterwards to post about what an enjoyable weekend it was!

    The funny thing about my job is that, while I feel underpaid, under appreciated and overstressed, it’s not all bad. I’ve worked there for 15 years and I have made some lovely friends and I genuinely know I’ll be a ball of tears leaving. Not because I want to stay, but maybe because I’ll miss some of it. The ‘place’ I had there. I’ll have to build it all up from scratch again somewhere else.

    One thing I do need to get on is practicing more of my makeup. Since my course finished I’ve let it fall by the wayside a little and that was never my intention.

    Ye are going to think I’m mad, but I was actually thinking about booking a flight to London at the end of the month for an event all about dating!!!! What on earth am I like??! I mean I have no interest in dating, but I just like the motivational speaker! However, I think I’ll save my money for proper travel.

    My family used always be teasing me saying they were jealous because I was always nipping away for holidays (particularly with the ex cos he loved to travel) and then my brother mentioned the other day that he’s going to Spain for a week and I said ‘well for some’ and he said ‘what are you talking about, you are gone off somewhere every second weekend’ and I had to stop him and say ‘actually no, those days are gone. I haven’t been anywhere since Jan 2018 when I last went to the Canaries with my ex’. And i couldn’t believe it had been that long and I guess my family were surprised too and I got the feeling that they felt a shift and the way they thought of me, has got to kind of…change now….I felt them kind of feel ” she’s right, that was her old life, when she lived the high life, but we forgot that’s gone now for her, old habits die hard I suppose”.

    Anyway, I need to go somewhere, I feel like I need time to think……but that’s my modus operandi, I always want to be in a distant distant place when I’m feeling all over the place! Watching a show called Miranda on TV this evening, I don’t like a lot of comedians but I really like this show for its sheer silliness. Sometimes, we just need a bit of silly!

     

    #303157

    Michelle
    Participant

    Shelby – no worries, you know if I’m out and about, will get back when I can. Your life is not a mess, you are just working through a lot of what you really want, which is more than most people do.

    So – let’s see…putting others before yourself because you enjoy the payoff is fine and I get that – after all it’s why I now spend time volunteering online. What isn’t ok is if you start to find you do it because you are afraid otherwise they won’t like or need you. Feeling needed is an especially powerful emotion, especially when you’ve been through rejection and you need a self-esteem boost.  Where does the guilt come into though – as in you feel bad if you don’t help others because you “should”? Is that an ingrained growing up thing?

    One thing to remember, it’s a bit like those safety videos on airplanes  where you have to fit your own mask before being able to help others without injuring yourself. If you try and help everybody and take on every responsibility going, it helps no-one when you end up burned out and resentful when you have no life of your own.  You need to look after yourself first and that’s not selfish but just what helps everyone the best in the long run. After all, you don’t want to hit 50 and be in the same place, helping everyone else and having had no life of your own, right??

    Ha, some 70 year olds can be very attractive you know….! But yes, I figured as much. Just be aware how often you will find people with similar values/backgrounds/understanding in the unlikeliest of places, not just familiar ones.  Re kids, so basically “I didn’t really think about it before but now with the right man I think I do”.  What would you say to a man with existing kids, a potential reality given I’m assuming you are as uninterested in a toy boy as a pensioner?!?

    Whilst I agree with Kkasxo there’s no point trying to second guess the future about if travel will help or not, I do think it’s possible to be pretty certain that if you choose to work on yourself and grow, you will, whichever route you go. Travel will make some of the growing easier, some of it harder. It will make you face some of your fears and develop your confidence but it won’t do much about helping you not feel guilty at having healthy boundaries and it won’t do much about sorting out how to be confidently assertive without feeling bad.  (Though practicing haggling in the local markets is actually pretty good for that….!)

    If it makes you feel any better, I still got teary leaving my job that I’d planned on leaving for ever. No job is all bad, you miss (some of) the people and the good things about it even when you know you are doing the right thing for you. Whilst I was excited to go since it meant starting my travels, I still knew it was going to take a while to get used to it. Leaving a safe and comfortable routine is not an easy thing for most people, even when it’s good for them.

    An event about dating sounds like a total nightmare – why do you think about doing these things to yourself?! You really know you are in no fit state of mind to meet anyone else, however panicked about time you are. If you dive into another relationship chances are pretty high it won’t end well either unless you take this time out to be ok by yourself first. Less haste more speed and all that.

    I am full of pragmatic tips and no offence at all at how you use or don’t – the whole idea is for you to consider what feels right for you after all.

    Kkasxo – there’s no “should be” excited, just what is. I’ve found the harder I try to enjoy something because I should be, the worse it gets. So just go for it, no expectations/control, see how it goes and be proud of yourself for doing it when you didn’t feel like it. You are honestly so much stronger sounding it’s wonderful even in this tougher time for you. Besides, be good for Mr A to miss you!

    The sun is back here so I shall be cycling out shortly, doubtlessly for a few chilled beers in our local taproom as they have some bands playing. Enjoy your weekends both!

    #303161

    Mark
    Participant

    Shelbyville,

    Try writing down on a piece of paper what things that did not work for you or for the both of you about that relationship. This will highlight all the reasons why you are not together. Really put all the things on it so you have a complete list . This may help you realize why you two are not together and it may help you to move on easier.

    Mark

    #303315

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    The guilt is somewhat ingrained alright. We grew up with the belief that you do anything for the people you care about. My dad literally did EVERYthing within his power for my mum when she was ill and that was the example that was set for us. It’s the right thing to do. It’s not just a case though of…”oh I don’t want to do this or that, but I HAVE to otherwise I’ll feel guilty”, it causes me guilt not just because I feel I should but also I feel so strongly for the people I care about that I can’t bear not to do everything I can for them. I feel guilty because I know, something i can do can really help another out, why wouldn’t i do it?! That kind of thinking!

    As ever, you’re right! You’re like a really old friend who knows me so well and is not afraid to say, Shelby are ya mad?! What on earth are you doing considering a daft idea like a dating seminar!!!! Thank you, that decision is now vetoed! I have no interest in anyone else right now!

    You may think I’m a terrible person but I don’t really get too excited about the prospect of a man with his own children. I know it’s a possibility at my age, but my preference would be to not. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but I’ve always wanted someone to start off from scratch with me as it were! Silly though that sounds, also the example of any friends and family who have blended families has not been good, all hassle, often strife. It just isn’t something I would prefer not to be the case, what do they say, beggar can’t be choosers!

    I think I will definitely go travelling, I can talk about it until the cows come home, but i can never know how it is going to work out until I do it. There is no magic ball. I just have to do it. If I’m sad and lonely abroad, at least Tiny Buddha can come everywhere with me!

    Kkasxo, I hope you’re doing well this week, how was the weekend for you?

    Thank you Mark for your input, that does seem to be the hardest part, I’m missing this about him, I’m missing that about him but rarely do I consider what I don’t miss…such as the constant disappointment and feeling of being unwanted! I will do your approach.

     

     

     

     

    #303525

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey, less of the really old eh 😉  But funny, yeah – that’s pretty much how it sounded in my head too!

    I get the guilt thing.  I suppose the trick of it is to work out where your limits are before you reach them so you know when you have to look after yourself for a while before you can help again. There’s only so much of Shelby to go around after all.

    No, I don’t think you are a terrible person for wanting to start from scratch re kids – it’s pretty much how everyone imagines it I think. But yes, as ever, reality is not always in line with our thinking. Likewise I’ve seen the struggles of blended families – some have ended up in a great place but it was a lot of effort to get there.  Hence it’s good to know if it’s a total ‘no’ or a ‘not my first choice but I could see it’.  It’s not about accepting second choice though, just that sometimes it seems life gives us what we need, not what we think we want.

    And is that practically a decision about travelling I hear there………?!?!? Go Shelby! Absolutely we’ll be here wherever you are – be it home or away. It’ll be funny if you’re telling travel stories same time as me – double entertainment for Kkasxo!

    You know, Mark’s suggestion is a good one, it’ll help with those rose-tinted specs. It’ll be interesting to see how your list shapes up.  I suspect a few of the things you miss are as much about the lifestyle you had with him rather than him the person, e.g. the travel, the nights out.

    Kkasxo – how we doing there? Get through the weekend ok? Still on a bit of an up/down emotional time? I was thinking, it can’t be long until your family leave now – I’m so glad you are settled in your new home at least to make that a little easier, got to be tough.

     

     

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