Morning Kkasxo,

Glad I can help when I can, try my best! I get it when you say you are done, done trying. And yeah, maybe once you’ve got some energy back you’ll feel like one last go. But it’s also absolutely fine to know when to quit too. The wisdom/difficult part comes in knowing as best as you can which is right for you now.   As ever, we go up and down in strength – one golden rule I try and live by is to never make an important decision whilst in a bad frame of mind – they don’t turn out so well! So take your time figuring it out, give yourself the space and time you need.

I know your dream is for a ‘normal’ life, the marriage, kids et al. It’s why you react so strongly to others getting what you want. It’s ok – it’s just recognising that you know what you want and you don’t have it – just a more grown up version of when we cry as kids when we don’t get what we want.  Ofcourse you are as deserving and as capable as all those you see around you. Not a doubt about it. But the world doesn’t operate on a set of rules, much as most people would like it to and would like others to believe it too.  There is no “if you are good and do what is expected, you will get the happy life/marriage/kids set-up” guarantee, despite the heavily enforced society/media expectations that it should be so.

The only thing you can control in life is your own actions and your own choices – and that’s why they are just so powerful. The better you know what you want, the more you can choose things that take you in that direction and turn down those that take you away from what you want. It really is that simple when you boil it all down. So at the end of the day, if you don’t believe staying with Mr A is going to lead to a happy life/marriage/kids and that remains what you want – then the action choice is simple, if not necessarily easy.

Knowing and making choices that are in line with what you want out of life is when things become easier, less fighting against what isn’t working and going with what does. Like Shelby quitting her job – a lot of people will (and have! ) give her grief for doing something so ‘risky’ and not ‘normal’ – but what would be far worse is staying in a job that made her unhappy and despite her best efforts to change it from within, wasn’t going to happen. It wasn’t ever going to turn into her dream job. Knowing and accepting that is the hard bit. After that, simple decision and into action – and knowing the decision is aligned with what you want makes it just that little bit easier to turn it into those actions needed to change it. Again doesn’t make it necessarily easy, taking her course and working damn hard to pass with flying colours, leaving her job so as to be able to take up a new one, investigating new ideas. All involve risk, all involved effort. But already you can see the actions working out.

So the big one you are working through – is staying with Mr A going to help or hinder you towards that good relationship, kids et al. Is this something you can work through and become closer than before, tougher as a couple than before for getting through the trauma. Or will you continue to fight each other, not listen to each other and grow further apart.

Shelby’s question is a good one. It resonates with something I was going to suggest that has helped me work through times like these. It can be all too easy ( and no judgement here at all as perfectly natural ) to focus purely on what you want, what needs of yours are not being met, what Mr A has done to let you down. But try looking at it from his perspective or at best neutral, get back to the facts.  It’s often helped me to understand better.

For example, this is how I would see it from what you have shared here….. You met Mr A some 4 odd years ago. It was fantastic, amazing and you both shared honestly what you expected/hoped for from the relationship – confirming that Mr A does want to get married and have kids, that was how he saw his future with you too. You trust each other absolutely. Everything is good and you are both merrily jogging along the path you want together. Then two years in, some event happens that traumatises you, which , as best as I understand it, involves Mr A’s family. (Not asking to know more, don’t need to know and know you don’t want to share which is absolutely fine). However, instead of supporting you as you expect, Mr A sides with his family, as you see it. He lets you down big time. The next two years you fight your way through counselling for the PTSD and depression the event causes. It’s the toughest time you have ever faced and you face it pretty much alone with Mr A’s lack of support. Through hard work and determination, you learn how to better handle yourself, tools to manage the negative triggers and emotions. You start to emerge again. You & Mr A have been off/on during this period, it’s not great at all but it’s not over, you still feel that you love him. He supports you through the anniversary of the trauma last year, as the only person who really understands it. Once you have survived that, you continue to improve and gain strength. Then your family is due to leave the country and it forces the decision about where you will live. Despite thinking he wouldn’t commit, Mr A surprises you and you find a place together. He does his part in making it happen and you move in together. It starts ok, it’s wonderful having your own place, you feel safe there.  The second trauma anniversary hits you hard, around the same time as your family leave. It sets you back, hits your energy hard. Mr A is not especially supportive. This awakens all the anger at him for not being there for you, at making you deal with it by yourself – again. You no longer feel you love him or can see a future with him. He has destroyed the illusion of safety for you.

People make mistakes but they don’t change unless they want to themselves. What are you expecting from Mr A that he isn’t doing and is he working to change it?   Yes, in a good relationship you care for each other but ultimately it still sits with you to heal and look after yourself – it is not a fair expectation to think Mr A can make it all safe for you. No relationship is 100% safe, not even parents and unconditional love, as Shelby knows all too well.  What are you really angry at him for? Not choosing you over his family when the trauma happened? He stood up to his family by moving in with you, choosing you over them now. What do you want from him that you feel he isn’t giving you? What does he want from you?

Tough questions I know.

Hope it helps as you work through it. Mostly, just take care eh. Hugs.

Hi Ladies,

Thank you all for your incredible input. You have all given me much food for thought..

I think in a nutshell, there is still a lot of anger, resentment and upset on my side towards Mr A.. And in all honestly, at this stage I am not entirely sure that this is something that’ll ever change/ease.

Michelle, your description of the events of the last year/two couldn’t have been any clearer.

I actually took some of your advice from your last post and decided to try the one last conversation with him last night. We began the conversation with a completely neutral, non judgemental, relaxed atmosphere and laid every single thing out on the table for absolute clarity. To summarise some of our conversation;

His main points were those that he doesn’t feel as though I am able to forgive him for the events of the last year and with that in mind I am constantly reminding him, through small remarks or behavioural patterns of the pain that he has caused me. In doing so, I am pushing him away and he is not being the best that he can be towards me. On the other hand my points were that my behaviour towards him is very much based off of his behaviour towards me. I mentioned to him that I recently explored the ideas of why I loved him before and that they are non existent at this stage. That the reasons to ‘love him’ so to speak are becoming less and less.. I also mentioned to him that his issue is that everything with him is always hypothetical. I.e, on the second anniversary of the trauma, his old considerate self would’ve done anything and everything to just try to make the day even a little bit better, be it flowers, a takeaway, a long hug, whatever. Nowadays, it’s all hypothetical, in his words; ‘I was going to get you flowers on the day, but in the end I didn’t..’ but its the thought that counts right? Well no, not when everything you are supposed to be doing is hypothetical. And he always does this! The other thing I mentioned to him is the fact that since moving in together, we have spent every single weekend apart. Honestly almost like room mates! We see eachother in the evenings, obviously because we have no other choice as we live together, but we do not actually spend time together. I have been ranting on for weeks about how things are going downhill and we really need to spend some quality time together to try to reconnect and see if we even enjoy one another’s company anymore. In one ear and out the other. But again, ‘I was going to plan something for us, but in the end i didn’t’…. hypothetical again. Could’ve, would’ve, should’ve.

Aside from all the issues that we discussed, I actually brought up the idea that I am no longer happy to wait for him in regards to the progress of our relationship and I am not prepared to hold back my dreams/goals any longer. I was clear in the fact that I had waited for him for four years in the hope (due to his false promises) of the life that I’d always dreamt of, a sacrifice I have to take on the chin as it was my choice, but nonetheless fuelled by hope from him. I am no longer prepared to wait. I made myself clear about when I would like to get married, or have children etc, my goals and dreams are as important as his. I even followed this with an example of me supporting his goals regarding a mortgage. Some two years ago, after describing just how important a mortgage is to him, I sat down and made a whole breakdown of our income etc, came up with a two year savings plan, did all of the relevant research for mortgages and percentages etc and we agreed to go ahead with that. Well to no surprise that was quickly forgotten about. In a nutshell, he is Mr A the Big Dreamer to be honest, with no plan of action to actually ever get to where he wants to be in life. And I can’t sit around and wait for this hypothetical future with him.

I said I would rather be alone than to be sleeping next to someone who’s so close and yet so far. I also don’t want to pull him forward when he is not ready, but likewise I am not prepared to be held back any longer.

Essentially, we ended the conversation on a note of everything is now out on the table. A decision now needs to be made going forward about what is best for us as two separate and individual people. We either agree to work out our differences, or we do not and its as simple as that (or so it seems now, I’m sure i’ll be a wreck when we do go our separate ways haha!)

Needless to say, I think for the first time ever the conversation actually hit a different spot with him as I don’t think he has ever got this consecutive end of the stick with me. I have always been very mindful of him and his wants, as I do with everyone else in my life, so hearing me talk confidently about how much I am no longer wasting my time, love or no love, shocked him.

So he has been slightly more attentive today and even gave me a quick good morning phone call on his way to work! We’ll see how the rest of the evening pans out but I’m looking forward to opening another line of communication with him to determine what his thoughts are following yesterday’s discussion.

I am not leaving this big conversation to eventually fade into the background like nothing happened. Decisions need to be made. I am not wasting any more of my time.

Hehe Michelle, I had to giggle at that one! Absolutely right, how dare I be so ungrateful for the imaginary bunch of flowers you thought about getting me?!

Honestly though I have to laugh.. otherwise I might cry at the sheer stupidity!

I do think you’re right. He hasn’t grown up yet. And actually that was mentioned in our conversation yesterday. I said that when we met we were very young, granted eventually we spoke about marriage and children (as those are things we both want) but it was all in the hypothetical future which obviously was great for him! It worked, we didn’t really need to pay too much attention to it because it wasn’t something we needed to focus on there and then and had different priorities! At the time I was all about having a good time, going on holidays, partying, hanging out with friends etc but as time has gone on, I’ve grown up, and with that also comes a change of priorities. I’ve had my fair share of being young and carefree and I’m starting to think more seriously about my life and where it’s headed and really thinking and what I am doing as an individual to bring me closer to my dreams. Unfortunately for us, he seems to have hit a standstill somewhere along the line and hence I said I don’t want to drag him forward unwillingly, but he cannot expect for me to stay still for him either.. I need to keep moving forward…

so we’ll see!

&&& Shelby, I 100000000% get your response to this new hunk! The thing about that is, whether you’re truly interested in him or not, it is nice to receive attention from someone. It is nice when someone somewhat cares about your day, how you are feeling, or even knowing that they are taking the time out of their day to have a conversation with you. Especially if he has expressed interest in you. It feels less lonely that way.. I think it’s human nature to be honest. But the response to his lack of instant messaging back is kinda like an alarm bell, OMG! Is he no longer interested?! He was so interested why isn’t he interested anymore? And it has an awful lot to do with the kind of attachment style that you are.. I believe you are like me, an anxious attachment style. One that needs constant reassurance that I am indeed as important as you say I am. I am thought of, and cared for etc etc, the moment I am not reassured I go into panic mode, what’s changed? Will you leave now?!

As difficult as it may be, if this is not how you want to continue for the rest of the days then you’ll have to notice these patterns, sit with them and then work on them. Another thing on my to do list also!

Gosh thinking of it girls, there is a whole load of sh*t I need to work through!

On another note though, my sister got me a Fitbit over the weekend as an early birthday present and I am getting back into my exercise regime (just finished a quick workout, it’s surprising how much stamina I’ve lost because of my 2 month gym break!). It’s actually pretty cool as you can add people and partake in challenges like the Workweek Hustle, for those who have sitting down jobs like me! I’m impressed so far & hopefully that’ll help to lift my mood a little too :). Great for tracking sleep, heart rate and general health and they’re nearly half price at the moment in Argos, would definitely recommend!

Morning all,

You’ll never guess! I actually received non-imaginary flowers last night when he got in from work! Shock!

Mind you though, whilst I appreciate the gesture it felt almost forced-like because of our conversation the night before. I did say a lovely thank you but also gently reminded him that there is no use in sugarcoating the severity of the situation now and a decision still needs to be made as I am not prepared to let this conversation fade into the background, as they always do. He agreed.

So I guess we’re kind of floating for the time being..

Yes the FitBit is really great for tracking sleep, heart rate, steps taken etc and I’m actually finding myself doing the same at the moment! I’m taking part in a WorkWeek Hustle challenge with a group of ladies and it is super motivating to get up and move around a little, even whilst at work as some of these ladies have an average of 62K steps a day! How?!

Shelby! Looking forward to hearing from you as always x

Morning Shelby,

Yeah I did notice a little while ago that Mr A and your ex have quite a few similarities.. Even the whole thing with the excessive family ties/involvement really resonated with me although thankfully all that has now eased since we are living together.

They definitely both are the type of man who simply is just not ready. And I told him several times during our conversation that that’s okay.. Granted I’m not entirely happy about it no as it brings up the whole reality of how much time I’ve really wasted but nonetheless it is absolutely okay for him. As it is for me to make the decision to not waste any more of my time and do what feels right to pursue my dreams as they are equally as important.

Don’t get me wrong, staying head strong and hoping for something better in a situation like this is of course difficult. But in all honestly when it comes down to it time is not something that we can ever get back.. And I’ve stuck around for the last four years in hope that one day we will hypothetically get to the future we have discussed. I have no wish to continue hanging around for another four without some solid confirmation that I am not waiting for something that’s never going to happen.

Well done to you btw for reaching your goal weight! Woooohooo! It really does make a difference doesn’t it?

When I lost all that weight a little while back I couldn’t believe just how much of an effect it really had on me! Although I have felt a little sluggish the last two months or so as I’ve stopped going to the gym but I’m back at it!

Also, glad to hear that all of the hassle with this other guy has gone now! I really do think it has a lot to do with attachment types and general life experiences. When looking deeper into my attachment type, I figure that my biological dad had a lot to do with it. Although he was a part of my life up until aged 18, I realise now as an adult that he was very up and down with his time. I have some great memories with him but I am aware now that most of them were pushed for by my mum who very much made sure that my dad was involved in my life.. I realise I found myself as a child always asking why he doesn’t want to spend too much time with me? Or why he doesn’t love me enough etc? And when he finally cut contact with me aged 18 (as his duties to me were done right?) oh I had so many questions!

And now it shows in my friendship/relationship patterns. I’m always trying to figure peoples ulterior motives, over compensate for how they may be feeling, if I sense a change in their behaviour or even tone of voice I go into an automatic panic, will they leave now!? Prime example of the anxious attachment type! It’s a hard nut to crack but I’m working on it.

Yes Mr A is very much the avoidant attachment style also hehe, to no surprise.

The thing is, throughout the four years I genuinely just waited because that’s who I am and he was absolutely the one so I kinda just went with it. Now with all of the additional issues and baggage I’m not so sure it’s worth it anymore.. I’m not so sure this is all that there is anymore.. I’m not so sure he is the one anymore.. And maybe that’s whats giving me the little kick up the backside to speak my truth.

I understand the panic because I get that too. I can recall many times throughout my life when I have felt that way and it is a really tough one to control. The good news is though that with the right relationship, our attachment styles can change! More so than those with an avoidant attachment style! I’ve seen it happen first hand and it is also backed up by science so I know it can be done.

I understand why you may be feeling like there is no use in turning your life around. But I do think that you’re doing the right thing by taking little steps here and there to make each day even just a tad better. I don’t mean to sound cliche when I say things get easier with time, because I think we can all see that I am very much still hurting, processing and healing from everything but I think I am not where I used to be. My periods of suffering are a little shorter, a little less intense, few and far between and for that I am grateful. And I’m hopeful that that’ll apply for you too! Afterall, this is all just a never ending journey. I do truly believe that you deserve the absolute world and everything that you have ever dreamt of. And I wish that some day, when you least expect it, someone will walk into your life and never leave. Someone who will cherish you and make your dreams a priority, so the rest of the heartache and pain can all just become a once upon a time story!

I am feeling a tad better today. My emotions over the weekend were in full intensity but now seem to be a bit more under control so I finally get to breathe!

How are the travel plans coming along?

Morning Shelby,

Yes, because the intensity does eventually reduce. Obviously in my case I am referring to the intensity of the trauma, rather than the relationship with Mr A but I am sure that will hit me hard when we do finally go our separate ways.. and then hopefully reduce with time!

I think the sadness of the life you used to have that you are referring to is possibly just a feeling of loss/grief. It’s like the ‘missing’ of what could’ve been, what you would’ve wanted it to be and accepting that that no longer is. I know that feeling very well as I feel the same very closely tied to my trauma. It’s very much linked to what could’ve been, what should’ve been and what will never be.. It’s a tough one to work with but I do think that is the reality of it all.

I’m glad your friend in Oz has finally reached out, hopefully that’ll give you a more stable/secure background to focus on for your travels and give you some confidence to go ahead and book!

I’m feeling the sadness again today unfortunately.. I literally could scream and shout but instead I am at work trying to keep distracted!