Hi Shelby,

Sorry to hear that you’re experiencing anxiety again!

What happened with your sister? The thing about siblings is sometimes things can become unfiltered, because they’re family right? Often we feel we are almost entitled to say things we wouldn’t say to someone who doesn’t share the same blood because they’re bound to forgive us! With that being said, there is some truth in that and I’m sure whatever was said/done WILL be forgiven and forgotten about in a little while. It may be worth thinking whether the argument is worth you two not speaking to one another.. Perhaps be the bigger person and reach out to resolve the issue before you head to OZ?

The breakup can indeed affect all aspects of your life I think.

It certainly did mine when me and Mr A split. And although not broken up now the unhappiness is very much affecting all aspects of my life. I am growing more and more unhappy at work, amongst friendships, just generally I’m miserable..

Hey both. Or I should say ‘Ola’, I guess, since I’m out in Andalucia now. Very very rural part of spain, last few days has been their local feria so a proper authentic experience all round, love it.

I didn’t want to disturb the chat you guys have going so will leave you to it – just wanted to say it was good to hear you say you are finally ready to be happy Shelby, I hope you do act on it.  Kkasxo, it’s tough when you are stuck in a situation you want to change – I know you will have the strength to do so when you are ready.

Hey Kkasxo,

Tbh, I was trying to stay quiet since you and Shelby were chatting and my travel stories didn’t seem a great fit at that point….

Honestly though, sometimes, actually most of the time now I find – simple is both the best and most honest. We’ve not done much apart from walk, hike, eat and drink ( 1.25 for a large glass of good red anyone?!? ) – the place we are in has zero English and it’s fantastic.  The guys in tight pants on horses for the fair were an interesting display too!!

You know what though, when I read your words – I know what you need to do and I know you know it too. Relationships run their course, you have learned what you were supposed to have learned and your heart knows it is time to move on.

I actually don’t believe you are destined to be one of those aunties, though I remember feeling the same at the time. You have to make space in your life first before new and better things/people can fill it. You know that. It’s just not easy to cut that last string.

Bizarrely – and not something I expected to share – I had a dream about my ex few nights back. It was actually amazingly peaceful where I let him go, no blame, no anger, no regrets. Despite being over him for a long long while, it was a good feeling waking up.

Let the good into your life – make the space and I’m pretty sure you will find you feel more positive, even through the sadness of letting go of old love.

Take care – you too Shelby.

Shelby how did your last day go?! How are you feeling this Friday eve?

Its interesting that you mention you feel as though letting go of the job is almost like letting go of another link you had to your mum.. Yes that is heavy and deep but it is real and I can very much relate, actually for a long time I’ve questioned whether that is one of the subconscious reasons why I stuck around Mr A for so long…

&&& congratulations on the graduation! Speaking of, I actually spent the day today watching my sister celebrate her graduation at university. What a beautiful day. Honestly I couldn’t be more proud to watch her in that gown after all of the ups and downs of uni life, I’m so pleased for her!

Back to the aunties though, I guess from what I remember they were single yes BUT my relationship with Mr A doesn’t seem to be stopping the questions being fired at me the same way. I suppose my loved ones and those who have known me for a lifetime ultimately know of my wants, hopes and dreams for the future so to be in a ‘settled’ (little do they know) relationship for four years is like ‘Hey guys! When are you getting married? When are you having babies? We wanna party at a wedding! Or I wanna be a grandma/auntie’ etc. They probably don’t mean harm but it is extremely disheartening when it is everything I’ve always wanted, everything I hoped to have with him and as you said, he is just not capable of giving me any of that… not now, not anytime soon. I guess that’s where the comparison to my aunties comes in.

I think this is very much a moment of deep reflection for me, the past few weeks. We’re slowly approaching the time in which we would b able to hand in our two month notice at the apartment and I think with that the tension is definitely sky high. He is adamant still that he 10000000000000% wants this no doubt. And yet he is simply so stuck in his ways that there is absolutely no resolution to my needs/wants having been ignored for the last four years and the expectation for me to keep waiting for the hypothetical thing is still sky high.

I think a little bit like your ex he is just what I like to call a ‘never ready’ type of man. It’s all one day, no plans, no action plan no nothing just one day surely things will just fall in place right?…

Who knows eh..

Hey both.

Brr, bit chilly back here isn’t it?!

Shelby – congrats on your last day – must have been pretty emotional, I know mine was. Even when you want to leave, it’s still a big change. I’m really glad to hear you are going with the changing things option – nothing was going to change by remaining where you were. Well done on going through with it and yeah, it’s another nice ego boost when you already have job offers coming in.

It does sound like your ex played quite a strong parental-like role for you so I guess it’s not surprising that’s who you wanted when you felt so bad the next morning. Yes, one of the tougher parts about growing up is learning to self-sooth as I believe it’s called. I just call it being able to pick yourself up when you have to. Each time gets easier and it’s an important part of any future healthy relationship. The difference in a strong, balanced relationship is that you don’t NEED the support, but it’s very appreciated. Huge difference.

So what is the plan now – still thinking of going ahead to Oz or tempted into one of the new offers?

Kkasxo m’dear – how goes it? I’m guessing by the two month thing you mean that was the minimum period you guys had to stay before being able to give notice to leave if you want to. Would you be able to keep the flat by yourself/with another house-mate. Or even stay in it with Mr A but declare the relationship part over? Complicated, that last one but I have seen some friends go that way purely for practical reasons until both get sorted.

Curious though – if Mr A is 10000000% committed to the relationship……then how does that tie up with not wanting to move forwards yet? Just having too much fun as he is? It’s not like getting married changes that part at all – kids, yes,for sure but marriage is no real difference if already committed? So I’m guessing the two come as a package deal for you, get married and start trying for kids? Out of more curiousity, if he did agree – do you think you guys are in the right place emotionally to start a family?

Thinking about it – I’m suspecting it’s always going to be this way. It’s just who he is and you you can’t expect him to change that.  Like with the flat – it was only when you gave him no choice on the timing that he came through. I suspect it’s going to be the same with marriage & kids – it’ll have to be you deciding it’s May next year ( or whatever! ) and he either goes with it or not. What do you reckon?

Take care both.

Hey Kkasxo.

No worries, hope work settles down – been there, done that – it’s tiring stuff, battling through.

So, Mr A…..I see…..yeah, that’s pretty much what I was getting at – if you put a timeframe around your hopes/expectations, it very quickly helps to see if you are both thinking the same way.  Two years is a pretty reasonable thought – apart from having fun you’d also want to make sure you guys are back on track and happy too before getting into marriage and kids. His reaction says it all right.  That much freaking out suggests he is a lot less ready for marriage/kids. It’s really helpful in one way for you, if not what you want to hear. At least you know where he is at.

Funnily enough allegedly my mum had to pretty much push/persuade my dad that it was the right time for kids, he was a bit more like your Mr A, hey, what , already?!  Though they were already married for 4 years and in those days you were deemed past it at 21!

You’ve got an amazingly good, clear view on it – exactly right. It isn’t anybodys ‘fault’ if you now want different things – or even if you want the same things but at different times. If you could get him to think through when he would see it happening and compromise, then great. If not, sad but ok, you can deal with that too. Better than waiting till you are 30 and it still doesn’t happen. As we’ve always said, you can’t change people and you can only deal with the reality in front of you.

Take care, it’s tough, but you sound like you’re doing ok working your way through it.