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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 1,359 replies, has 39 voices, and was last updated by  Shelbyville 16 hours, 47 minutes ago.

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  • #312013

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo,

    For sure, like Shelby’s concerned about, there’s a natural limit. A good friend had her first child at 42 last year but yeah, if you want to have biological children, women don’t have as long as men.  You got more time than you think – yours is a different concern in that you are ready and wanting to go there soon and he just isn’t in that space.

    Out of curiousity – do you think he’s ready to be a dad, even if he doesn’t? Do you see yourself getting the support and help you’d want? I see the marriage thing as not really an issue, I know it’s something you want which is obviously fair enough but it really doesn’t change anything in reality apart from legally. You get unmarried couples more committed and happy than married couples, marriage doesn’t create real long-term commitment, just legal rights.  But having kids with someone is defn a huge step and given how much you guys have been through I’m kinda glad that even you’d want to wait until end 2020 to give yourselves some time to see if it is working and he is committed and in a good place to support you.

    Sounds like you are working it through well enough. Couldn’t agree more on your last point. When you’ve been through and survived your worst, you just know you can do it again if you have to. Well done on being brave enough to think about what you have to do, either way.

    #312043

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Michelle,

    I agree, everyone has their own timelines and there is absolutely nothing wrong with women choosing whatever they think is best for them regarding their fertility! My mum had her youngest aged 40! It is possible of course, just not something i’d actively consider for myself. I’ve always been the type of woman to yearn for a home and family.. I’ve been ‘broody’ so to speak since I can remember haha!

    That is some interesting questions you are asking though, and actually it is putting things into perspective for me when looking at things from a different angle.. Do I think he’s ready to be a dad? No I don’t think he is. I think he is truthful in admitting that he isn’t ready and doesn’t see himself being ready anytime in the next few years. I don’t doubt that he would be a good dad regardless, but yes he just isn’t in the space right now where I feel he would be able to cope with the situation, the responsibility, having to support me etc. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not particularly ready right now either and I if roles were reversed and he pushed for trying right now I’d have to politely decline BUT in the same way I am planning for the future and I’d like to think that 2020/2021 is a good time for me to consider having children.

    I think in a nutshell the more I explore all of the areas regarding this relationship, the more I realise just how much is missing? I don’t know if that’s the way to put it… Perhaps there are core pieces to this relationship that are lacking with no real sign of resolve. Which is indeed a shame as on a general note, we are okay. I think maybe we just outgrew one another? At some point in our relationship his steps forward stopped and hung about in that same spot until now, I slowed down for a little while in the hope that eventually he would catch up but now he is so far behind and I’ve began walking forward again.. And yet the heart breaks the same at the thought of us not being together. Its so frustrating isn’t it this up and down!

    I actually found my diary the other day which I lost in the process of the move and I journalled loads in there, wrote weekly motivational quotes etc. And I flipped through to my birthday week and on the day wrote a note, ‘Chapter 26! Are you better? Are you happy? Are you loved?’ I remember writing that note a year ago, when I was writing it I thought i’d be in a completely different place this time next year! And instead I sat there thinking, Are you better? Kinda, Are you happy? Umm, kinda? Are you loved? Kinda?! I’ve got to make sure that chapter 26 is a different one for me.

    Shelby, are you okay!? How are you enjoying time off of work now? Did you manage to resolve things with your sister?

    Look forward to hearing from you x

    #312297

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi guys!

    Help! Who knew changing one thing makes everything else change?!!! I’m finding it super overwhelming lately with the upheaval in my life. Not bad necessarily, just overwhelming!

    I thought I’d have a few chill weeks before my trip to organise, but it’s been hectic. People wanting to meet and catch up, family commitments, new social invitations! I’ve really been pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I also went away for a couple of days with my Dad as he needed a break and was unlikely to go alone. So needless to say, it’s been non-stop! I also worked a day for a friend for his company as he was stuck!

    The change train is in motion and it just seems to be gathering momentum. It’s a bit scary, I suppose I’m wondering, distraction aside, if it will ultimately make me happy. I find I still miss my ex so much and think about him daily. I’ve been hanging out with that guy from a few posts back. As friends. It’s been nice to get to know new people. But that’s all I’m able for.

    Im apprehensive about my travel as this weekend I seem to have an upset tummy again. I don’t know if I’ve caught a bug or my diet while on holidays is causing the friction but it’s worrying me, which of course becomes a vicious cycle!

    Kkasxo,

    You know what you want. I’d say you know what he wants. Are your values and goals aligned? That’s what it comes down to? I’m not going to lie, more than one person commented in the past about me ‘accidentally’ to fall pregnant. They remarked that sometimes men need a push. I too felt that my ex is a good man and while petrified, would make a good dad. But I could and would never do that. It felt wrong to me, to place someone in a circumstance they weren’t ready for and didn’t ask for. I loved my ex enough to understand he never should be put in a situation where he was forced to be there. I always wanted him to come freely to the table, because I think that’s what makes a loving and lasting relationship. Both people decide to come to the table freely, to want the same things, to work together and support each other through thick and thin to achieve shared goals. I didn’t have that with my ex. He wasn’t ready. Maybe never will be. And that’s so so so sad and heartbreaking because what I saw in him was……beautiful. But he couldn’t see that just yet, and maybe never will so what i imagined could not be.

    You have time, yes. But don’t waste too much of it, or you could end up like me! The wrong side of 35! Listen to whatever the voice within, deep down is telling you. Show up for yourself and look after you xx

    #312307

    LiamJames
    Participant

    You are not alone Shelbville. I too am struggling daily, hourly even, with my recent split with my fiancee. She was my world for four years. Someone told me something recently that helped me -a little-

    “Good relationships dont end”

    This made a lot of sense to me. The relationship wasnt particularly good  for quite sometime. My attachment to her and my fear of being alone kept me tethered to her and the toxic relationship we were sharing.

    At this point I have chosen to completely let go. I blocked her number so I won’t be tempered to contact her in moments of overwhelming lonliness… nor can she contact me and trigger any feelings within me.

    You will be okay…but you MUST let go. Remember the wisdom of impermanence. Things will change, and you will heal.

    As you slide down the rope the only time it will stop burning you is when you LET IT GO!

    #312429

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby it’s so nice to hear from you!

    Firstly, whilst change can be scary and overwhelming it sounds like things are shifting at full speed for you and that smells to me like a whole load of new experiences and ways into potential happiness! So I’m glad to hear that you are trying to keep yourself out of your comfort zone and trying your best to embrace the chaos of it all & the trip with your dad sounds lovely! I always think my family & I don’t do enough of those! Perhaps an idea to put into practice. What’s the latest on the travel plans?

    Just on a side note though, I know the pain associated with the ex may still be intense but you have no idea how proud I am of you from this end. There is a massive shift in you since you’ve made the consecutive decision about work and travels and just generally going forward! I am glad at least one of us might just be in a different headspace by October eh!

    In regards to Mr A, our values are somewhat aligned, goals on the other hand though clearly we can’t agree on those. & there is still an awful lot of resentment, anger, disgust almost directed towards his family members who I literally cannot stand… the toxicity of these people and the fact that they go on about their lives when they didn’t even bat an eye lid at ruining mine, it can quite easily send me into a frenzy. I try to do my best to ignore these feelings and not let them come at me on a daily basis but they are still something that is reoccurring. Whether it’s linked directly to trauma, PTSD or simply just a normal human response it still takes effect.

    It’s so crazy because I genuinely think I know what I need to do but yet there’s this underlying little ray of hope that’s like well what if things are different?! But I think if anyone should know that things never just magically become different it should be me and you Shelbs!

    Nonetheless, at the moment we are still in the flat etc so no decisions are being made just yet. I need to learn to not be so hard on myself and accept this as just one of the many mistakes that I’ve made and that’s all.

    #312575

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Evening ladies,

    A tougher one for me today. I am finding myself pondering more and more about my life, my past, my trauma, all the pain that I’m very much still harbouring and the uncertainty of the future I so very badly wish for. It’s heavy.

    On days like these I feel completely lost. Like I know there are decisions, options and directions but I am unable to go with any of them. Like there should be hope but there isn’t enough for me to hold on to. Like I should be able to handle everything but do I really have enough strength when I think I am so exhausted my strong has run out?

    Its so frustrating because how do you even help someone who is stuck? I know I am not physically stuck yes, but it certainly feels that way.

    In a sense I wish some kind of busy would appear in my life, something that would somewhat drag me away from the situation I am in and physically show me that there is more to life..

    It probably doesn’t help that I am coming down with something and look like rudolf the red nose reindeer!

    Sorry for the rant! How are you ladies this evening?

    #312875

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo,

    All good here – in the usual semi-chaotic run up to leaving for our travels, it’s amazing the number of things to do and people to see when you’re heading off for a couple of months!

    Sorry to hear you had a couple harder days and yeah, feeling like Rudolph is never exactly helpful even at the best of times, let alone when tired already.  Tbh, I think busy can only keep you distracted for so long before you have to deal with things that are eating at you. It’s a good way to make sure you don’t wallow but once you are out of the pit, it’s time for action. The hard part being to know what the “right” action is huh.

    I think you’ll find if you can work out what “right” is to you – your energy and strength for action will come back – it’s indecision that kills it.  Sometimes we know instinctively what is “right”, even if we don’t want to do it or admit it to ourselves or others. And sometimes it takes a bit of logically figuring it out and then comparing with your emotional answer to get there. For example, if you were to make a logical list of the pros/cons of staying with Mr A, you would quickly see what’s real, what’s wishful thinking and what is fear speaking.  It’s also helpful as often what makes sense logically on paper lets you know that it just isn’t what you want to do in your heart of hearts.

    Both choices, staying or leaving, are absolutely fine – there are no wrong answers here, no mistakes, just learning and life happening. But making a choice and going with it is more powerful, more energising, than spending your days pondering it over and over. And over 🙂

    Rant away as ever, always good to hear from you.

    #312881

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Morning Michelle,

    Lovely to hear from you! Yes I can imagine how much you have to squeeze in before you head off for your travels! Although I can imagine it’s also a nice time away and probably lovely seeing everyone when you get back!

    You’re probably right in saying that making a choice is more powerful. Actually, it’s something my mother said to me recently when she came to visit! She spoke of mortgages etc with Mr A and I sort of brushed off the idea like ‘no we are in no position for such a big commitment together right now’ and she went on to say ‘darling, if you’ve made a decision to reconcile with him then it cannot be half hearted… otherwise you are just wasting your own time in the uncertainty’ and it is true I suppose.

    I’m actually going to sit down and do a list of the pros and cons of staying with Mr A and see if the paper thing springs some things into action for me. I’ve always been quite a logical person but when emotions, mental health etc are involved your rational thinking can often be clouded so it could be a good exercise to do!

    I’ve promised myself that my 26th year will be all about pushing myself out of my comfort zones and learning to trust myself again – I think I lost that post-trauma and it has made making any decisions 100% difficult.

    #312949

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Sorry, the whirlwind is continuing and I was getting a little overwhelmed by how much organisation for my travel there is. To be honest, what has been taking up the most of my time is meeting people who are close to me before I head off! They all want to meet up, you would swear I’m going for 4 years rather than 4 weeks!

    Kkasxo,

    I know exactly what you’re feeling. I know it all too well. It’s a sh*tty place to be and I used to be so hard on myself for not being better, for not making decisions, for not moving forward. But the reality is, you can’t…until you are ready. I was not ready to let go of my ex after breakup No1, I was not ready to let go of my ex after breakup No. 2, it took a third time for me to to understand i couldn’t go back again. Don’t get me wrong…..I still want to…in a utopian world….but it seems my self-respect only kicked in after the third breakup and that’s ok…..i don’t regret any of it. It was meant to happen the way it was meant to happen.

    Im moving forward, in theory. Thank you so much for your kind kind words about how much progress i’ve made. I know I feel better than I did last Oct, but I’d be lying if I said I was over the heartbreak or my ex. I think about him a million times a day, i often still daydream that he’ll have an epiphany or that one day we’ll find our way back to each other, but I think I’m self aware enough to know that that might not happen either and therefore I need to have an alternative plan.

    So i packed in the job……which was scary but now that I’ve left….I honestly wonder why I didn’t do it sooner, I fly to Sydney next Tuesday…..I KNOW….MAD!!!! I will have to keep you posted on whether that was the right decision or whether I’m even more lonely over there….thank goodness Tiny Buddha is geographically transportable! Kkasxo, I don’t know…..I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing or just distracting myself. I don’t know if i have dealt with the grief or loss or lack of self worth properly yet…I just don’t know. But what I did and do know is that maintaining the life I had with absolutely no change was going to guarantee that I would never feel better. So, I’m trying to feel better. Who knows if it will work!

    If you’re not ready to make decisions one way or another right now, that’s fine, i don’t want to hear you beating yourself up anymore for not being able to make decisions….you will….when you’re ready. You’re amazing, you are getting there, at whatever pace you are able for. One day you might get a notion and say ‘I will not let fear stand in my way….a direction in any direction is better than staying in the same place’ and when that day comes, you’ll move. It will just be there, you’ll grow sick of the indecision I think. That’s what happened me. I remember before the last reconciliation constantly posting on here about not knowing whether to reach out to my ex or not, it was driving me nuts. I couldn’t stick the indecision any more, so I made a decision and went for it. It was the right decision for me at the time and I don’t regret it, at least it moved me, I learned.

    Hang in there for yourself. You can and will survive whatever life throws at you, you already have! Also, I’m here at the end of the keyboard for as long as you’ll listen to my ramblings so you’re stuck with me I’m afraid!

     

    Michelle,

    How on earth do you not get overwhelmed with travel prep?!!!! I’m drowning in a sea of Air Bnb and airline websites!!!!  I tip my hat to you! I hope you keep us updated on your travels while away and I’ll definitely be on here tracking my literal and metaphorical journey haha!

    Chat again soon x

    #312975

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Shelby,

    Lovely lovely words of advice this evening.

    Very much needed as it appears I’ll be leaving my job at the end of the month too. I had quite the row with my boss today, well not so much on my end but very much on his end. The last few weeks at work have been a nightmare and I sensed that something was off, whilst my gut feeling was there I genuinely do enjoy my job so I chose to hold it out but one of my bosses let a little too much information out of frustration today and to put it lightly we ‘agreed’ i’d be leaving at the end of the month.

    Again not ideal at all with the flat and all, my birthday approaching and breaking the news to my family wasn’t nice but nonetheless, is what it is.

    So anxiety is at full pelt having to think of interviews and starting again and new beginnings and why my life really is such a mess?! Why the hell can something just not go right for me?! Honestly, I am so sick and tired of everything that life has been throwing at me and being the black sheep of the family, chasing stability but it is running further and further away from me. Honestly i’d love nothing more than to meet you at the airport next Tuesday and head to Sydney with you! In fact, I might just put my life over here on hold for a little while too and wander off somewhere myself.. clearly there’s not much holding me here anymore.

    Something needs to shift for me Shelbs… I need to figure it out.

    #313009

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Kkasxo,

    Hang in there. I know why it feels like that right now for you. In fact, if you go back on some of my posts I think you may remember me calling my own life a bit of a ‘sh*t show’!!!! I really felt that things were or are not going my way. But as the saying goes, the only constant in life is change.

    Jobs come and go – I was terrified leaving my job, it’s all I’ve known for 15 years! My self worth wasn’t strong enough to have me believe I’d find another job and yet now I’m hindsight I see that that job held me back in so many ways, it stopped other opportunities arising for me, which has happened since I left.

    When I get back from travel I’ll have to join the job hunt I know but something will turn up. It always does. You have a few weeks now to focus on another job…..and didn’t you say if something came into your life to busy you, you might move forward?! Well looking for a source of income is a good way to keep you busy! Ask and you shall receive lol!

    You’re not the black sheep, I think that’s something you’re harsh critical self is saying. Nobody has it all together, no…not even that person you think has! You’re finding your way. Figuring out maybe for the first time what kind of a life you want to live. Sometimes I curse this self awarenessI know have & often beg to go back to blissful ignorance, but was I just coasting? Not really living a fulfilled life? Probably.

    Growth is painful, no two ways about it. Status quo is more comfortable & we’re programmed as humans to fear change. That doesn’t mean it’s all bad. You may get a better job, you may be happier, you may meet someone through your new workplace that shows you that a different life is possible, who knows!

    The important thing is not to panic! Don’t think about the overall too much at the moment if it’s overwhelming you. Sometimes our minds can. E more of a hindrance than a help. Take achievable small steps. Is your CV up to date? If not, do that tomorrow. Then get on some jobs websites or on to an agency. That will keep you busy and just breathe and take it one day at a time. You don’t need all the answers to everything in one go, tackle things that are achievable to start and go from there.

    The airport won’t start turning away planes so the escape route to Sydney is always there anytime you need it!!!! I’ll have some grub on the barbie & a cold one waiting!!! x

    #313223

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both,

    Ha, Shelby, know it well, the “I have way too many tabs open and now I’ve forgotten what I’m looking for”….t!!  Like everything else in life, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. I was helping out a friend plan out her trip a few weeks back and she was like, how do you know all this stuff, which was nice as hadn’t really realised how much I’ve have learned!  Funny we are both flying on Tuesday – must be the day for it!  Really look forwards to hearing how it all goes – you are going to have so many experiences and be so proud of yourself for just doing it. Like with your job, once the decision is made and done you start to wonder why it took you so long to get there and do it. It’s awesome to hear you write about it in that way already – a real step change.

    Kkasxo –  sounds like the universe is giving you one helpful push after another eh. Hang in there, you’ll be absolutely fine and I have zero doubt you will end up in a better place. I had something similar early on in my career when I was settling in to a job that really wasn’t good for me – and then it ended abruptly with my boss not extending the contract. I was really upset at the time but in hindsight ( as ever… ) it was the best thing they could ever have done for me as it forced me to go find something better, something I wouldn’t have done without that giant push.  So yeah, it hurts but you know you will find something else – something better.

    Remember, stability comes from within, not from external things/people. You are still you, you are still ok, whatever happens on the outside.

    Take care both!

    #313765

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both – just a real quick one to wish Shelby well on the start of the big adventure tomorrow!!! Hope all goes well and you are packed & ready!

     

    Kkasxo, hope you’re doing ok there  too and enjoyed the sunny weekend at least.

    #314121

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Ladies, I am in so much pain. I seem to be declining rapidly again.. I’ve gone to pick up some of my vitamin serotonin pills again as I’ve been down this road before and these seemed to ‘take the edge off’. I honestly don’t even think I’ve got the energy to fight anymore.

    As stupid and cliche as this sounds I am writing this post through eyes flooding with tears. I am sad, I am just so so sad, I cannot accept my life as is and everything that’s happened to me no matter how hard I’ve been trying. No matter how much of a journey I’ve been on it always comes back down to this. I’m not even entirely sure why I am posting as you ladies are doing amazing.

    You are both incredible, inspirational women!

    Shelbs, if I’m not mistaken you have left out to Oz already. I can’t wait to hear all about your adventures!

    #314237

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey Kkasxo,

    Reporting in from Cape Town!!
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Seriously, I get it. You are hurting bad. But it hurts so bad because you are still fighting reality. You want it to be different. You want Me A to step and be your one again. You want your life to be “on track”.  But your gut knows the truth. It’s going to take you making changes you are scared of.</p>
     

    I ‘know’ you well enough through this blog to believe in you and I know Shelby does too. You do have the strength – you have been through worse and you are a survivor. You are awesome. You can do whatever you need to do

    You can also join me & Shelbs in loving up the sunshine, a way better natural seratonin!!

     

    You take care and believe in yourself now. Check back in tomorrow.

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