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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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Viewing 15 posts - 1,351 through 1,365 (of 1,599 total)
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  • #325767
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo

    Aw thank you, I hope for the very same. The past few years have been a very mixed bag of drama and pain and uncertainty. I could do with a bit of positivity and happiness for a change!!!

    Wow, sounds like you developed an I stand rapport with the top person- that’s fantastic. I will have my fingers and toes crossed for you. What’s meant for you will not pass you. I still haven’t heard anything from the second company I interviewed for. It’s been almost two weeks and I expected a call either way last week, as indicated by them at the time of interview. I expect they have filled the role now, but one would think the professional thing to do would be to let all the unsuccessful interviewees know! Oh well!

    Im on a day off from the makeup store today so I’m going for lunch with my cousin and meeting my sisters later for a late dinner! Also going to do some shopping for my family- as I get a discount in the department store, so I have a list a mile long that they have asked me to purchase for them, so might as well get that out of the way today too!

    The nice guy ‘caved’ and contacted me last night. He said he misses me in his life, even as a friend, so we may be able to build some sort of good friendship out of al of this. Fingers crossed.

    My ex’s best friend messaged earlier to wish me a happy birthday. I never thought he actually liked me, but he tends to like my few social media posts and messages me each birthday- even if I’m split up from my ex on that particular birthday….which has happened….oh I don’t know…. more than once!

    Anyway, I’m really happy to focus on myself and my future in 2020, I’m going to do my best to make moves to change my life in a positive way! Here’s hoping…..just gotta stop looking back over that damn shoulder of mine!!!

    Have you anything nice planned for the next couple of days?

    #325889
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Yes I definitely hope I did well as the job is literally ideal. I have also managed to get myself two more interviews too (one on Monday and one I’m waiting for confirmation) so I’m just pleased things are finally moving in some kind of direction! I’ve been applying since October and it was literally radio silence until last week!

    On another note, we’ve been invited to a family wedding in May 2020, my older cousin back in my home country. I was speaking to my beloved Nan on the phone today and I honestly adore her to pieces but hearing the banter between her and my mum about me and never getting married etc was so heartbreaking. In a nutshell they agreed this would be the last wedding in the family until the younger kids grow up (my little cousins who are 16 and 13) so I’ve just been skipped all together because of how much ‘marriage just isn’t on the cards for me clearly’.

    Whilst it’s harmless banter it really was very bittersweet for me to realise I think that not only do I believe my life is a complete shambles, clearly my family do too.. So double the disappointment eh! Great! It’s sent me off onto a bit of my downer, the type I tend to get to when I’m super unhappy about where I am in life and how it’s gone in the complete opposite direction of what i truly want… so meh all round!

    I’m planning to just chill out the next few days. I’m going to a concert on Thursday night but in all honesty I’m not even looking forward to it anymore which is a shame.

    I hope you had a nice day enjoying your birthday though! You honestly do deserve it 🙂 did the new guy wish you a happy birthday? Do you genuinely believe that you can have a platonic friendship with him despite him developing some kind of feelings for you?

    #325891
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo

    ooooph….that stings. I know it. That feeling. But you know it’s not true right? What they think? They only have a small amount of the whole picture, as one would expect, so they make banter and conversation based on what they do know, which is very little in the grand scheme of things. They work off information or non verbal cues from us- you’ve stated abruptly in the past I think in convos with your mum that you and Mr.A are nowhere near certain milestones like a mortgage etc.

    So whilst it’s hard to hear, it doesn’t make it true. Just what they view from their limited standpoint. But feel blue if you need to and pick yourself up again. Nobody knows the future, we create it by taking steps in infinite different directions. So don’t write yourself off because of a little harmless banter, it’s not more than that.

    Im absolutely thrilled for you about the interviews, nice to get a bit of momentum going. Plus each interview under your belt will make you less nervous for the next, or so it was for me at least. Best of luck with them- keep me posted!

    Try and catch your thoughts about Thurs night and change them. You’ve got a right to go out and enjoy yourself, enjoy the music. If you want to get to a certain place in life you’ll make it happen – you will get to that point, when you can’t stay where you are for one minute longer.

    As for me…. SPOILER ALERT….I just received a text from my ex with just a birthday greeting. Out of the blue. No contact or communication for almost 7 months. Me trying initially to survive and then move on….and bam. There it is. I mean, I think he probably has some ludicrous idea that sending a bday wish is ‘the right thing to do’. My head is scrambled.

    As for the nice guy, I agree, could be hard to have a friendship, I know the risks. I feel he deserves for me to at least try, but I’ll have to maintain boundaries and discuss it with him. I’d hate to lose him entirely, but from my experience, not remaining in contact is the most optimum way to move on so we’ll see.

    #325895
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Sorry I promise I’ll respond to the rest shortly BUT what?!!! He actually text you?!

    How do you feel about that?!

    I remember Mr A tried to do things like this also when we were apart, granted we never went more than sort of a week or two with no communication and even then I thought it was cheeky. To go on a whole 7 months cold turkey and then send that text message…. hmm.

    I do recall you saying quite a few times though that he always tried to be the good guy and do the ‘right thing’ etc which didn’t always pan out the way he may have wanted but that he always had the best of intentions. I wonder what he may expect from you at this point because he’s just really thrown a spanner into the works hadn’t he. I don’t know if he realises he may have done more harm than good by trying to make this ‘right’ move…

    Are you going to reply?

    #325897
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo,

    lol, you get me so well! I don’t know what he was thinking to be honest. You’re correct, he’s always trying to do the right thing. In previous years I’d have asked why he didn’t text on my birthday, even if we were apart, but there would have been communication between us back then. Nothing like this.

    He walked away, closed the door and didn’t look back. But I suspect he knows his mate messaged me and perhaps doesn’t want to be the bad guy & therefore feels he can sleep with a better conscience perhaps if he feels, ‘oh well it didn’t work out with that girl, but at least we’re not on bad terms’. Well he’s never call me that girl, but you get the idea.

    I don’t know what he was thinking. I don’t know him now. Unfortunately I got the text whilst in the company of my sis & husband as we were discussing a different text message & I got a shock and flustered and then had to explain why. Needless to say they were not impressed and some not so savoury language was used by them!

    I left it a few hours. They told me not to reply. I wondered is this a test? A self-love self-care yest? I should not reply in order to show up for myself. But basically I felt not replying would hurt him. And I can’t hurt him, or anyone. I just can’t do it. I can’t be responsible for causing someone to feel bad, even if they caused me pain. So I simply said thank you and left it at that.

    Tbh, I don’t expect to hear from him again. I don’t know if he’s in some weird emotional 12-step programme or just wants to clean the slate, but I’d say that’s about it.

    Talk about a rattling!

    #326039
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Having a very ‘woe is me’ moment tonight. The text has thrown me. Backwards in some ways. Also the consistent professional rejections this past while for jobs I really thought I’d get is hitting me harder.

    I’m feeling a bit lost and…….you guessed it……like running away! At least I’m consistent in my fight or flight response!

    #326049
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    You remind me of myself in so many ways – in regards to the idea that you couldn’t possibly hurt him even though he caused you a huge amount of pain. To be honest, as much as it can be a weakness it also shows the goodness of your heart and who you truly are as a person so good on you!

    I do think although he may have had the best of intentions, he didn’t quite think this one through and actually he should’ve held back from the ‘good guy’ ideology and just left you well alone, seeing as he made that decision some time ago! It’s quite cheeky that he feels he can still have access to you to boost his ego when he feels it’s appropriate. Nevermind, we keep going and moving forward. That was yesterday and today is another day. I’m sure it’ll leave you pondering for a little while but try to focus your energy on something else, I say try because I know how hard doing actually is.

    I completely hear ya on the professional front. I was EXACTLY the same. I’ve been looking since October so for two months I did not receive not one response from anyone. When I look through my Indeed/Reed apps etc I have over 200 job applications so it was a really really tough pill to swallow. The confidence takes a real knock, maybe I really am not good enough, even just as an employee?! But things will turn around. I’m blaming the uncertainty of brexit & the new upcoming vote on the quiet of the market at the moment. It’s extremely stressful but just try to keep applying. What kind of industry did you work in previously? Is that something you want to stick to or would you prefer to branch out into something new?

    Also, mmmmm running far far away sounds great! I’m right there with ya!

     

    #326169
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Thanks for the vote of confidence, I know that no matter how much he hurt me, I can’t bring myself to hurt him. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not self-aware enough to also consider the possibility that I’m not doing something to hurt him because I don’t want to create bad blood or give him a reason to not dislike me….so who knows. At least I’m aware and consider all aspects, albeit not sure which one is correct.

    I will say one thing and I feel I can say this with conviction which is weird given I know nothing about my ex’s life now. I definitely don’t think texting me yesterday and my response would have boosted his ego. He doesn’t operate that way. He has never displayed any characteristics of a narcissist. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not lauding his merits, all I’m saying is that I’d be fairly confident that he texted me the other day against what he would have preferred to do I think. He’s not a communicator, he would always rather leave sleeping dogs lie, he would rather something fades away into oblivion without drama or discussion. He did it because I think he felt he should. I can imagine the mental dialogue he would have had about sending the message. I think he felt it was the right thing to do, even if he felt he would have preferred to leave it. Little does he know, he should have left it. It would have served me better as it was pointless and lacked much information to determine the sentiment etc. As I said I haven’t and won’t hear from him again, so it was a bit of a shot in the dark for no real reason or purpose. Just frustrating for me but I’m trying to stay on track and not fall into my previous traps where I see it as an opportunity to open up communication again.

    I might aswell be honest on Tiny Buddha that those thoughts have gone through my mind. There is not point in me pretending to be someone or somewhere I’m not, in case maybe someone else in a similar situation reads this thread and thinks I’ve got it all sorted now and self-cared my way out of heartbreak. I haven’t. I still miss him, this latest text has made me miss him more and it’s STILL hard everyday. But it is what it is. He left me. That has not changed.

    As for jobs, I feel like giving up! Why will no-one hire me??!!! I’m awesome! I’ve just been scouring jobs websites again today and submitted an application for a few more so fingers crossed!

     

    @kkasxo, any news on the jobs front after those interviews?

    #326233
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Honesty is always the best policy. And if not with your friends, family, or anywhere else in the world, you may aswell always be honest here – absolutely no judgements.

    I think it’s pretty normal in any case to think that him reaching out could’ve potentially been a start to something. I probably would think exactly the same, in fact I know I would, I just wish that HE knew to do better. For your sake, he should’ve known you well enough to know that he should leave you alone. Whether he really really wanted to wish you a happy birthday from the bottom of his heart or not.

    In regards to job search, I’m not sure if this will help you but in my time searching I was getting 0 replies. It’s not until I slightly switched up my CV and I mean in the most gentle way, I literally changed around a few words that people started getting back to me. I couldn’t tell you if that’s the actual reason why but there it is, it seems to have worked so perhaps it’s an idea!

    I’ve just come back from a concert and I actually had a very good time. But I’ve found myself in bed full of flashbacks, the side to PTSD that really kicks the sh** out of you. The flashbacks are so god damn vivid and I just cannot understand why my brain rather than protect me, would want to remind me of every single detail in absolute HD vision. And it happens, the flashbacks happen a lot… and I end up either crying my eyes out or just staying awake all together because I’d much rather be up than reliving the most hurtful, soul destroying and traumatic time of my life. I actually found myself crying out just now because the imaging of it all is so god damn clear, and I actually said out loud ‘I just want to be a normal person again’. It’s very very sad. I honestly am too aware of the fact that I will never ever get over my trauma. It’s so crystal clear. It’s so raw every single time. Every time I close my eyes and have a flashback, every trigger, words, places, smells, songs, people, you name it, it all brings the immense pain of it all back every single time. I don’t really know how all these PTSD veterans continue living with this Illness for such a long time but I can tell you this isn’t much of a life at all. It definitely feels more like a life sentence that you can’t wait to end. It honestly is a fight I’m never ever going to win and the sheer certainty of that alone sometimes takes away my will to live. On the days I push super hard to keep going and then this happens, who am I really kidding? I am so full of pain and destruction, I just am, I can pretend I’m not all I want but it always comes back. always.

    #326357
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo

    My mind has gone into longing mode again. Stubbornness & pride stopped me contacting him after our third break up, there didn’t seem to be any point. So I muddled along as best I could. That stupid text, which probably was nothing to him, has thrown me for a loop again. Opening up the thoughts of contacting him again, should I, should I not… It’s silly I know, but it’s how I feel. I could say something self critical here but I won’t, because I’m trying to change & grow and being mad at myself for having these thoughts and feelings is not being nice to myself. It’s telling myself it’s not okay to be who I am.

    So I still miss him. I wonder was the message his attempt to open up communication, I wonder was it just because I told him in the past to contact me on my bday. Will I forget about it on a couple of weeks again and be able to continue on my life as I had been? I’ve no clue.

    I think you might be on to something regarding the CV. It’s all about algorithms and things these days I’m told! Maybe it might be worth looking at mine again.

    I’m so sorry you’re hurting it. I do think it’s important though to not give yourself such definite negative messages that you are always broken etc. Maybe…..maybe not. None of us are clairvoyant, I can’t say how I’ll feel in 5 years time. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be living with the vividness of the memories, but I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I’ve read and seen people recover and be happy after the most horrific traumas. So have hope. Don’t lose that.

    Therapy is fairly important in the treatment of PTSD I believe so I wonder would there be any opportunity to apply for another 6wk round of therapy? Remember too that I and others are always here on this forum if you need to vent or clear your head or need a word or two to convince you that ‘this too shall pass’. Absolutely nothing in this life is permanent, no matter how much your mind might try to convince it otherwise.

    You’re smart, funny, kind, resilient and caring. It’s tough……yes……but you’re tougher. Start telling yourself that regularly. X

    #326951
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi there, having a tough night tonight. I’m feeling under the weather which always seems to be a trigger for me. Maybe because of the vulnerability of being sick.</p>
    Definitely still have the fight or flight (usually flight) response quite to the fore for me

    #327225
    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @Shelbyville,

    How are you? I hope things are feeling slightly lighter now?

    I just got the news, I haven’t got the job unfortunately. It’s hit me really hard as I was really betting on this – finances are a real struggle right now, ive never been in such an unfortunate position,  so I would literally do anything right now but it seems it just isn’t meant to be. I can’t even count the amount of applications I’ve sent off now and it seems I’m not getting anywhere. Ugh.

    #327315
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi @kkasxo</p>
     

    That sux. I know exactly how it feels, especially when you’re banking on it, that’s the way it was for me with that big rejection a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t have a Plan B after that one & then I didn’t get it and was gutted. Let yourself be sad and disappointed, it’s sad and disappointing. Then hopefully see it as not meant for you, that the universe knows more than we do and is directing us elsewhere.

    I was never much of a ‘Whats for you won’t pass you’ type of person, but lately I’m giving into it a little more and it helps somewhat. So give it a try, when you’re feeling less gutted.

    Im still sick but muddling on. Met the nice guy friend for food after work today (which I can’t afford right now so it was irresponsible of me!) but I did it anyway. He puts me in good form but I’m keenly aware that I could be using him (unintentionally) to fill a gap in my life. I need to be careful for everyone’s sake.

    He said to me this eve that I don’t have an anchor. And it’s true, no home of my own, no job, no partner, no kids, no direction. I don’t know who I’m supposed to be now and where to go next.

    Maldonado got another email job rejection this evening so I’m right there with you… xx

    #328511
    Superx
    Participant

    Hows your situation now? Have you moved on ? Did you give the new guy a chance?

    I’m in middle of nc with my ex because he couldn’t commit and just feeling lost. Mostly like I deserve better but than the pain of mjzzing him takes over to missing him which is overwhelming. Any advice should I just contact him? It’s been 3 weeks..reading your situation makes me feel even more anxiety will I live like this forever?

    #328765
    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi @superx

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sux. The pain is overwhelming and upsetting.

    Dont get anxious that you’ll have a similar scenario to me, every single human is different, everyone processes things uniquely and in millions of different ways.

    No contact, seems to be the key in many ways. I was doing ‘ok-ish’ until he re-emerged and sent me a birthday text. What I will say…..I’m certainly not where I was pain wise three weeks after the original split. It does fade. There’s no way I can prove that to you, you’ll figure it out yourself.

    Of course I think a lot about him now again, but I don’t have that absolutely devastating ‘die if I don’t contact him’ mentality. I maintained no contact after it finally ended and it makes it less acute. No reminders, no conversations to over analyse, no safety net of always having him at the end of the phone….and like any vice, you body, both physically and mentally does start to wean off it, if that makes sense?!

    Try and hang in there, you’re doing this for you.

    @kkasxo, how are you doing?

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