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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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This topic contains 1,361 replies, has 39 voices, and was last updated by  Shelbyville 2 days, 7 hours ago.

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  • #321245

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Kkasxo,</p>
    That insta post was right. You can’t wrestle what your soul wants. I tried every which way I could think of to make myself be content with what was on offer from my ex & it STILL didn’t work out. I knew I wanted more but what happened was…..HE knew I needed more & recognised probably more than me, how much I was twisting & contorting myself to save the relationship and he said…..no more. Some would say he did me the greatest favour of my life, but I’m still in the greatest heartbreak of my life mindset, so not exactly at the enlightened stage yet, but you get the idea.

    I cant imagine what it must have felt like to lose your father in such an abrupt way. It doesn’t matter if you’re 8 or 18…..that is a lorry load of hurt. I do think that has a profound impact. I live with my Dad and love him and he loves me and yet I can see the impact our relationship has had on every aspect of my life every day. I know my ex was quite similar to my Dad, I could see it. I adore my Dad and he adores me but it doesn’t mean he wasn’t critical as I grew up and even now. I always felt I struggled to get praise or approval from him and that impacts a lot of aspects of my life. So, my point is- look at the impact that has had on me- while he is present and loving (in his own way) and supportive – so can you imagine the impact of an absentee biological father? It’s only natural it would have ripple effects. If you need to talk that out – remember I’m always an understanding ear!

    As for the new guy, we’ve kissed and it’s fine. I’m trying to take it casually and he has agreed but then for example he texted me last night saying he missed me yesterday. I literally saw him the day before. I dunno, I’m one way it’s sweet and I don’t want him to change who he is because that would not be right, but on the other hand, if my ex called me up tomorrow to reconcile – would I be adverse to that prospect….I’m not exactly sure….so where is my head/heart at? I don’t know.

    Sometimes I just feel like- stop the world and let me off? Right?!! Is that a song? I dunno!!!!

    #321251

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hey both,

    Finally checking back in from SA! Sorry for the radio silence, all good here, still loving the travelling and pushing my boundaries. There’s always more ways to grow as a person – both emotionally and physically, given how good the food and wine is here!! 😉

    To be honest, I think the Insta post is only half right….it’s hard to know what your soul truly wants, away from all the pressures of society, family and friends. A long learning and experimental process. Too many people still have the view of “if I could just have x,y or z then I will be happy” but there’s always another x,y and z if you have that mindset. But I do know what you mean when you feel it resonate and I do think it is true if you have put the effort into figuring out what you do really want/need. Most people just skip that part though!

    Anyway – to more useful things…yeah, it can be scary when you are out of work and in need of money but I think the biggest thing I’ve learned is life is all about how you respond to what gets thrown at you – as it will always, always throw things at you no matter how much you plan and try to protect your security.  Sounds like you are already both doing what you can to find a job – so perhaps try to embrace the free time to do all the things you wanted to do but couldn’t when you were too busy working.  E.g. exercise every day, cook and eat well, learn new skills – so many free courses online these days, plan out your next travel trips for when you do have cash again.  Make it a positive time and it will also shine through as/when you have to get through interviews. Shelby – did you get in touch with volunteering your make-up skills at that hospital, make any plans as to how you will get your business off the ground? Kkasxo, are you sure you want to stick with the same kind of role?

    As to everything else – something that struck me when reading both your last few posts – have you ever tried thinking about your situations from your future children’s perspectives?  I grew up with a very anxious, insecure mother and it took me a long time to unlearn those lessons and develop a different way of responding to events/people.  If you had kids now already, what kind of example would you want to be setting them? How would you be advising them and helping them find their way through these situations?

    As you guys know, finding the “right” man and having kids doesn’t suddenly make you secure and confident – that’s something you have to do yourself and what you are working on now right, before kids and marriage.  That’s why your trip was so epic Shelby – not because of the bucketlist items ticked but because it was something you were terrified of but you did it anyway. That’s a huge lesson and example to be able to share with future kids. As to not being able to afford therapy right now,  I bet you could write your therapists response to you yourself, you know them so well. And that’s what good therapy is all about, teaching you the skills to be able to soothe yourself when anxious, not to need your ex or therapist. Kkasxo – honestly – I have no idea how any father could behave so coldly and no idea how you even began to deal with that kind of rejection and breaking of trust.  But yeah, Mr A is not your father and at some point you either have to forgive him for his mistake, everyone makes them and he seems to have learnt and be genuinely sorry and trying to fix things from what you describe. No future man is going to be perfect, just doesn’t work that way. Yes, it’s natural to feel envy when people seem to be getting what you want, even I felt a twinge as all my friends went through the wedding/kids phases and it wasn’t for me. Makes you feel left out – and it’s not even something I especially wanted.  And whilst I’m sure your friend is going to be very happy,  I think just now that I’m 20 years (almost!) into my relationship with my other half, it’s been very obvious which relationships have lasted and which haven’t or are just unhappily together. It’s the relationship that’s important, not the window-dressing. And they take effort, always. But the reward is worth it, always.

    Curiously, Shelby, I had a very similar first relationship post my split.  I actually did end it after a month or two, as I could tell he was way more into me than I was into him and didn’t want to hurt him more down the line. It was the first time I’d ended anything and I can see now it was something I had to learn, to choose what wasn’t right for me – as much as choosing what is right.  And you know what, from here I can see it was just another part of my healing, something else I had to go through to get to where I am.

    So yeah, whilst you might feel like you want to get off and have a break – keep at it, you’ve both come a long way already. Try and do anything positive that will help and accept the negative as something you can’t change. Take care both.

     

    #322645

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    Lovely to hear from you. I’ve been a bit hectic lately, trying to sort out job stuff and going on a few dates with that guy and also everyone I know seems to be sick, so I’m trying to help out where I can with kids etc.

    Michelle it sounds like SA has really had an impact on you, I can only imagine what kind of life you’re living right now, it sounds incredible. You seem so motivated and together…I definitely envy you – but not in a mean way – I’m very happy for you to be living a life you worked hard for!

    I haven’t explored the volunteering just at the moment- for rather drab practical reasons. I have a few makeup appointments booked in over the next 6 weeks and while i’m not working I can’t afford to be buying new makeup products, so I have be be frugal with my existing kit and therefore just don’t have the resources to volunteer out my kit yet, but hopefully when I have more steady work, I’ll be able to see it through. Also, I’m lacking confidence because of lack of experience and therefore am poor at promoting my skills or desire for new clients, but it’s a catch 22 because I can’t gain more experience without gaining new clients! I have applied to a few department stores cosmetics halls for any seasonal vacancies so maybe something will come of that.

    Your suggestion about looking at things from my kids’ perspective is an interesting one, but one that I find too hard to imagine! I just cant conjure up an idea of my own kids at all! What would Freud say about that I wonder!?!!

    I has become even more apparent lately that the guy I have gone on dates with is very interested in me. He is extremely sensitive and I have created a space for him where he feels he can finally be himself with someone. So yeah…..now I feel terrible!!! We went away for a night over this past weekend and it didn’t exactly turn out how I thought it would. Im a terrible human being, but it made me miss what I had with my ex even more. Dammit, will I ever get over that relationship?!!! I have expressed to new guy that I’m not healed from a previous relationship and whilst I enjoy his company, that I don’t want to be in a relationship and there is a lot going on for me personally at the moment. He says he completely understands and knows the risks but he believes I am worth waiting for and other complimentary overly-sappy remarks to that effect! Im not a fool either, I recognise the parts of him that are beginning to turn me off are his sensitivity, softness and over expression of his feelings to me – all stuff I probably don’t like about myself. So I don’t know, I’m absolutely petrified of hurting him now, especially when he opened up about certain issues and has been vulnerable with me, he doesn’t deserve to be hurt. He’s a wonderful person and I know I definitely want him in my life long term- but perhaps as a friend? I don’t know. He has promised that no matter what, we’ll be strong strong friends even if it doesn’t work out, but I’ve told him, while I would love that, I can’t expect to ask that of him as he is fully entitled to space if he’s hurt or disappointed. He keeps telling me to stop overthinking everything and maybe he’s right, but at the end of the day, should I still be thinking about my ex such a large chunk of every single day. Lately even fantasising that we could just hook up for a physical relationship in the future. Man do I feel not healed, not strong, not sensible lately.When does it get better???

    @kkasxo, how are you doing? Any bites on the jobs front? I’m inclined to agree with Michelle about Mr.A, at some point I guess you need to forgive him or forget him and leave the past in the past, if progressive moves have been made to rectify or improve the relationship development? Let me know how you’re doing x

     

    #323825

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
    Feeling a little overwhelmed with changes and movement in my life right now.

    Also still feel like I’m not really moving on from the past deep down.

    let me know how you are faring? @kkasxo

    #323849

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    Hey Shelbs,

    Nice to hear from you! How’s it all going? Did you manage to get a seasonal job in the end?

    Unfortunately no luck for me on this end! Money is running tight now too & with Christmas round the corner it’s all stressful at the moment!

    #323949

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo,

    Hey!!! I did! I start in a department store cosmetics counter next week- completely different from anything I’ve done before and I’m sure there will be a lot of raised eyebrows but I’m excited! And it’s not too fear inducing in the sense that it’s only short term.

    Also had an interview for a big job in my previous line of work earlier this week and another job interview for a different job tomorrow, so the universe has got to grab me something right?!

    Money is definitely tight, I hear ya. And that’s a trigger for my anxiety, bigtime. But I want to be careful not to just fall into work for the sake of paying bills again but not being truly happy or fulfilled with the job.

    Also, something weird has shifted a bit- prior to my travel I was searching for jobs not far from home, whereas now I’m a lot more open to travelling elsewhere for work, which is strange for me, but I’ll run with it!

    My ex is still on my mind a lot, it’s there. It is what it is. It’s making me feel bad because I’m kinda seeing the new guy but I’m so unavailable I feel like I’m being horrible. I have stressed to him many times that I’m working on myself, don’t want to be in a relationship and that he should never sacrifice his feelings or desires or needs for me or anyone. He keeps saying it’s all good and he’s happy to take things slow and stuff but honestly he’s like a puppy and while I like hanging out with him, I’m so scared I’m gonna hurt him.

    But then self aware Shelby is like overthinking everything and I’m wondering am I just sabotaging someone who could actually love me, am I running away from someone who’s actually available, ugh, it’s all ick and I just can’t live with hurting another human. And this guy is pretty sensitive.

    Any leads on your job hunt? What will you be doing for Xmas?

    #324073

    bad_pup
    Participant

    Hi guys!

    I am a little late to reply, but i have been going though same. we are having some contact but I really dont know if its good or bad. I understand all your pain.

    I dont know how to move on.. should I continue to hope or not?

     

    #324097

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi bad pup,</p>
    im not sure of your specific circumstances so can’t advise as such, but it’s been my experience that contact doesn’t help & hinders the moving on process if that’s what really needs to be done.

    Im sorry you’re going through this right now, it’s a particular kind of pain that’s for sure

    #325379

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi all,</p>
    How are you doing? I’m checking in because I’m having a struggle week. I started a new temporary job for the festive season & also ended my situation with the new nice guy as I’m not moved on from my ex.

    At the moment I don’t really have a clear set vision of where I’m going or how I’m going to end up happy!

    @kkasxo how’s things on your end?

    #325385

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Hey chick! It’s nice to hear from you! I’m sorry I’ve been quiet myself, things have just been so stressful on my end with finances etc. I’ve been looking for work since October and it just seemed like nothing/no one was getting back to me which then kinda killed my self confidence a little, I won’t lie. In any case, I’ve got an interview on Monday and I am sh**ting it to say the least as I’ve not done this in about two years (also cause I am super desperate for this job) so I hope it goes well! Other than that I’ve kinda been keeping myself to myself, evenings under the blanket & I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!

    How is your temp job going? Are you enjoying that it’s something festive & different? I’ve always enjoyed a temp role because there isn’t that much pressure as you know it’s not long term! Also, sorry to hear about this new guy! What made you come to that conclusion in the end? How comes you decided to end it completely? Was the spark just not there?

    #325431

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Kkasxo,</p>
    I hear you! Finances are a big trigger for anxiety and I have been feeling pretty crap lately not being able to afford anything! I hate borrowing from anyone etc, but I’ve had to do it so I feel like a ticking clock in my head until I pay it back ‘cos I hate owing anyone.

    BEST OF LUCK on Monday- fake it ‘till you make it is my motto!!! Interviews are daunting but at least it’s a start and once it’s over you’ll be so relieved! I went for an interview for what I thought was my dream role two weeks ago. I had heard this job would be coming up, before I went travelling & actually kind of banked on it for my return. I felt I was perfect for it. I thought the interview wasn’t horrendous – even though it had been 15years since I’d done an interview. I waited days to hear, and had nearly run away in my mind with having the job. When they told me I was unsuccessful – the blow was huge. I wasn’t expecting it to be so gutting actually. I cried all evening. It took me right back to my self worth core, which is fragile at best!

    Repetitive comments in my head… ‘oh Shelby, don’t be so confident, you weren’t good enough for your ex, you weren’t good enough for this job…. etc etc’. Anyway, it definitely hurt. It was also a job I felt would really say to my previous bosses, ‘wow, she did well. Maybe we lost someone valuable’. It’s all a headwreck!

    I went for a different interview for a short term contract last week. I haven’t heard back. I’m not sure I really wanted that one, it’s quite different to my area of expertise & it was just a maternity cover & also require a move of location.

    The temp work is fine, good experience and short term so definitely less pressure for targets etc. It has shown me though that I’m not in love with retail. If I follow up with a makeup career, I don’t think I want it to be in retail- so that’s something I’ve learned at least!

    I really hope the interview goes well on Monday. Don’t waffle and give specific examples for questions asked. Be confident (even if you have to fake it!). You’ll do great!!

    The nice guy was…..lovely. Such a sweet soul. I felt he was mad about me & falling for me, but I just wasn’t in the same place. He kept saying he was okay with the pace etc, but he reminded me so much of myself it hurt!!! I told him never to sacrifice his needs and wants for anyone, but I could see him doing it! He just didn’t want to lose me & I got a sense that his self confidence was not terribly strong. I knew for sure as time went on, I’m not over my ex. He creeps into my mind a lot and it’s just not fair on anyone new if that’s happening a lot. I miss his company but I think it was veering towards friendship for me, some things just turned me off. Absolutely no fault on his part, it’s just I like what I like & though I tried to have stronger feelings for him because he’s such a wonderful person, I just couldn’t.

    I lay awake a whole night in his place (nothing happened) with a churning stomach & I knew something was wrong then. He believes there is hope for us in the future I think, which I feel bad about because I definitely don’t see it, but I didn’t want to hurt him by admitting that. I told him not to wait for me as I need to work on myself and sort my life out. He said he understands but it’s his decision how he feels going forward.

    Anyway, he deserves to be with someone amazing, who runs into his arms to be with him, but he’s never really had a long term relationship and I fear this will now dent his confidence & self worth further and I hate that. Ugh, there’s no simplicity in life is there?!!!

    Anyway, it’s my birthday on Tuesday and I don’t know how I feel about it. Proud having survived this past year…..sad as I’ll be 37 (feeling 24!), but closer to that STUPID clock.

    Hopefully the right opportunity will arise for both of us- we deserve a break I think. I’ll be thinking of you on Monday and sending good vibes out in to the universe for you. Best of luck

    #325475

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    Eeesh my heart stuttered a lil reading about your recent perfect job interview process. I’ve been there before & I know just how gutting it actually is, I think it’s why I’m so afraid for tomorrow! I woke up in the middle of the night last night in panic thinking it’s Monday in a couple of hours and that I’ve got an interview – so anxiety is definitely high! In all honesty, I just cannot wait for it to be over and done with now. I keep rationally telling myself that the worst that can happen is that I’ll be unsuccessful and then never have to see the man again, but the ego will be hurt regardless eh! I suppose I’ve done what I can, I’ve read up on the company, written down some of my experience that applies to this job (as a reminder) have come up with some questions that I can ask the employer, bought a new outfit, now I just literally have to take it till I make it as you say! Please definitely send some good vibes & positivity out into the universe for me tomorrow because I am sooooo nervous!

    I hear ya about the new guy. The thing about romantic interests is that you just cannot fake it. If something isn’t there it just isn’t there, even if on paper the person ticks every single box on the ‘perfect partner’ list we all have in our heads. It is a shame but if you genuinely didn’t see it progressing into a deeply romantic relationship, then I think you did the right thing for both yourself & him too. I do think it’s also easy to get caught up in the cycle when you’re receiving some well deserved attention from someone, when you feel cared for, when you’ve suddenly got someone to spend your free time with etc. I feel as though sometimes we push ourselves to remain in those situations (even if we know they won’t go anywhere) because it’s better than actually being ‘alone’.

    But despite still thinking of your ex etc I think you should be extremely proud of yourself. I really do believe that these last few months have been a soul searching experience for you. So much so that you have actually made a conscious decision to do what’s best for you and end things with the new guy – kudos to you for that!

    I definitely do think we both deserve some kind of break! Life has been a whirlwind for over a year now eh?!!! Gosh. Surely 2020 will be easier right? I mean surely there must be some peace and bliss left in this life for us?!

    Have you got anything nice planned for your birthday at all? &&& hang on, are you a Sagittarius or Capricorn? (I love me some astrology!)

    #325479

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo,

    I know exactly how nervous you must feel and there is nothing I can say which will make you less nervous. Except maybe when my therapist says fear and excitement have the exact same physiological response so instead of repeating over and over how nervous I am, to think of it as excited for a new opportunity! At least you’re trying! Good vibes on their way to you……and don’t worry, I survived my rejection & even trying to see the benefits of not getting that job now!!! (With effort!)

     

    You are SO right! It was nice, it was nice having someone put me first for a change. Planning his days around me, making me feel special! But it wouldn’t have been fair to continue it when I don’t see a future. I definitely miss hanging out with him for sure, but it wouldn’t be fair of me to keep him just as a friend. So I’m giving him space.

    This past year has felt like a decade in many ways. I seem to have that thing I may have mentioned before, where my ex and the time we had together this year& the final breakup are all kind of….blurred now! I can’t recall it in HD surround sound like I could before. That complex brain of mine I guess, always protecting!

    I wonder what 2020 could bring for us?! I sort of think in my romantic life I’ve survived the worst, so at least if I stay single there is no chance of another horrendous anxiety and pain filled year in that sense, so that’s worth looking forward to I guess!

    I’m actually craving a trip to London- it’s like I went travelling, I want to be on the go the whole time now! But I’m flat broke, so it’ll have to be something to look forward to next year!

    No plans for my birthday. It’s Tuesday so it’s awkward day for family/friends. Plus I don’t really have any go-to person to celebrate with. That’s the hard part of birthdays I find. Not having that special someone who makes it a special day for you, for one day of the year. I know that nice guy would have planned something nice, but I had to end it. It was only fair.

    So right now my sisters and I are in United Nations negotiations trying to find a suitable plan- so basically there is no plan, well….not one I had hoped for. My biggest weakness- not coping well when things don’t work out as I’d hoped or planned!

    Im a Sagittarius – Dec 3rd! X

    #325749

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @kkasxo

    How did it go?????

    #325763

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville,

    HAPPY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! Wishing you a year full of healing, a happy and rested soul, plenty laughter and adventures and for all of your wishes to come true!!! This WILL be a good year!!

    Gosh, my interview! I spent the entire day sooooooo nervous I visited the loo 7 times! Haha! I’ve gotta laugh at it now! But I went and the director who was interviewing me made me feel instantly relaxed, in fact we actually had a really really good talk and laughed through most of it! So I think it went really well! He did mention that he’s seeing a few more candidates next Monday and that he’ll be making a decision then! I’m hoping that I get it as work atmosphere is really important & he really smashed it in that department! It’s also pretty close to home which is great! So now it’s just the waiting game!

    How are you?!

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