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Trying to deal with anxiety and loss after relationship break up

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  • #328803

    Superx
    Participant

    @shelbyville thanks for getting bck to me. I read your first page then the last few which was yr later and it made me feel physically sick it may take that long. But u seem to be feeling in better place now which is hope

     

    Did you block and delete everything to help? I gave in and contacted him yesterday but no reply so far :*( so now I have a rising feeling in my throat like something is tightening and I can’t breathe. All my friends are saying best way to get over someone is under someone else (has anyone felt this helps?)  I just want him!

    #328899

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Hi @superx

    Ah ok…..you definitely missed a heap in the middle of my story too! So yes, we split over a year ago, but long story short, I kept in light contact after the split last year and just wanted to get back with him and we reunited in Feb/Mar of this year for a couple of months.

    Needless to say it didn’t work out again and he ended it- for the very same reasons- a third time actually- in May of this year. So really it’s only been 7 months since the split.

    What I will say is this- we didn’t speak a word since he broke up with me in May. Not one single text, nothing. So…..last year I remained in contact and it didn’t ultimately help. Few months ago we completely ended communication and since then I quit my job that was making me unhappy, travelled to the other side of the world, met new friends and took up a job (albeit temporary) in an entirely new field.

    I think you can see where I’m going with this. Yes I still miss him, yes I’d love it to work out – but I’m nowhere near as devastated as last year. That’s normal you know…..to feel devastated. Like I said before, it’s like weaning off something and that just takes time and discipline.

    For me I was in the unusual situation these days where my ex had no social media as such & was not a tester really- even when we were together! So it wasn’t difficult to avoid anything to do with him because he wasn’t in my sphere as such.

    As you probably have seen, he messaged two weeks ago for my birthday, out of nowhere and honestly…..it has set me back a little. When you kind of lock a door and try to throw away the key, then you feel that maybe a chink of light is coming through the door again…..it’s hard. But I’m trying to get back to feeling as strong as I did before he messaged.

    No contact has helped me but as you can see it’s not what I initially chose and everyone has to follow their own path. Someone could have said to me- and did- last year to have zero contact but I guess I wasn’t ready for that. My heart and mind needed to do what I needed to do at the time, whether it was right or wrong, even if it caused me more pain. I don’t regret it, it must have been my journey to get me to here.

    Commitment issues are his issues, not yours. For whatever reason, it really has nothing to do with you. But it’s something that really needs to be addressed by him if he chooses to (which I find a lot of men are unlikely to do). It’s difficult for it to work long term if that’s his excuse, so try to protect yourself as much as you can. Don’t you deserve to be chosen? Take care x

    #328917

    Michelle
    Participant

    Well said Shelby, it’s good to hear you doing so well now.  I know the birthday thing threw you for a loop but I found the recovery got faster each time, sounds like you are already feeling the impact fade too.

    Hope you & Kkasxo enjoy your Christmas breaks – take care both and bring on 2020!

    #328973

    Superx
    Participant

    @shelbyville

    thanks chick for replying.  It’s been a rollercoaster 24 hrs the sick feeling in my stomach turns out I’m pregnant! Yes I’m having his baby and now I’m petrified and feeling all kinds of crazy thoughts.

    This is first time me and him broke up after 2 years together . OMG!!!!!! I didnt realise u went bck 3 times. I wouldn’t stand for that much shit off any bf tbh sometimes you gotta love yourself to realise you deserve better ….you are right! . Also dnt u think he text u because u went 7 months clear nc after always giving in PREV. Occasions like bdays are perfect excuse for an ego boast or check u still hooked somehow. Good on u for throwing away the key seems like u been through too much..like when will u hav been enough fifth ? Sixth, tenth time ? When u had destroyed any self esteem u had left and then left to feel unworthy eventually u both would have toxic rship.

    I i love him my ex more than anything in the world and want him to commit but if he doesn’t realise it after one chance 1st then never will which is why I dnt want to tell him abt baby. I dnt want him to do it for that reason then resent me and our child. Everything has shifted for me in 24hrs.. until I knw where he is at my pain from feeling the loneliness and devastation of the breakup, feeling I will never find someone else feeling unworthy for not having my love for him returned in being chosen to be his forever has switched off. simply by this new being entering my life. Made me realise is he really the kind of guy I’d want to raise my child with if he can’t even love me enough to commit to me. Will he just keep coming and going again..? I dnt want that. I DESERVE BETTER. We all deserve to have someone love us and choose us. This site has helped so much. Thanks so much chick.

    Ill keep u updated.

    #329225

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @michelle !!

    How coincidental! I was actually thinking about you whilst having breakfast this morning and then I happen to sign into Tiny buddha & you had left a message! Sixth sense perhaps!!!

    So lovely to hear from you, are you still travelling? Thanks for your supportive words but I often feel like a bit of a fake, because today I’m feeling very emotional and lost. Typical! The improvement just doesn’t stay consistent! Now, I’m sure hormones are a bit to play this week too, but it’s a tough time of year.

    Im working today – wow retail at christmas is like the jungle!!! But I’m loving the experience even though i’ll probably be broken by the end of it!

    If you celebrate Christmas enjoy, or if you’re still travelling I hope you’re having an amazing time.

    Shelby

    #329533

    Genie
    Participant

    @shelbyville @michelle

    I’m new to this forum, I just spent my Christmas in bed by myself because of an anxiety attack from feeling lost. I read the whole 92 pages and wanted to just talk to others who have been in similar situation. I went through a very prolonged break up with my ex of 5 years. His inability to commit or be on the same page as me drained me. I kept going back thinking this is better than being alone, I love him, I’ll get nothing like this ever again, no one else will love me. Before this I was a happy go lucky, independent person and feel this whole relationship has chipped away at me without me even realising and now I’m faced with not knowing who I am without him. It’s been 10 months now since our final break up where I decided unless I wanted to keep spiralling out of control and into depression I had to stop and never contact or be sucked in again no matter what.

    I dated and was getting more depressed as all I could do was think about my ex and no one will live up to him even though in reality the ex couldn’t provide me with what I wanted. But then I met this man who was a breath of fresh air and something started to make me feel alive again in me. When we were just hanging it felt great but it’s come to the next step and now Im panicking again, my chest feels tight, I keep pushing him away, he invited me for xmas eve at his and I said no and broke up with him. Then I sit here today wanting him. My mind is going crazy I think about my ex on a pedestal yet he couldn’t give me what I want. I push away a guy who is giving me what i want and i don’t know if its fear of falling for someone else and losing them too or hope i might go back to my ex one day even though my rational side is very much aware my rship with my ex was wrong for me and caused these issues.

     

    I’m confused, I hate I have become this person, its making me sick. I just want to get off . Please can you help @michelle and let me know how you progressed without the past ruining your future. @shelbyville I read you had a new guy. How are things? Do you believe you can move on again?

     

     

    #329609

    Genie
    Participant

    @shelbyville @michelle

    I’m new to this forum, I just spent my Christmas in bed by myself because of an anxiety attack from feeling lost. I read the whole 92 pages and wanted to just talk to others who have been in similar situation. I went through a very prolonged break up with my ex of 5 years. His inability to commit or be on the same page as me drained me. I kept going back thinking this is better than being alone, I love him, I’ll get nothing like this ever again, no one else will love me. Before this I was a happy go lucky, independent person and feel this whole relationship has chipped away at me without me even realising and now I’m faced with not knowing who I am without him. It’s been 10 months now since our final break up where I decided unless I wanted to keep spiralling out of control and into depression I had to stop and never contact or be sucked in again no matter what.

    I dated and was getting more depressed as all I could do was think about my ex and no one will live up to him even though in reality the ex couldn’t provide me with what I wanted. But then I met this man who was a breath of fresh air and something started to make me feel alive again in me. When we were just hanging it felt great but it’s come to the next step and now Im panicking again, my chest feels tight, I keep pushing him away, he invited me for xmas eve at his and I said no and broke up with him. Then I sit here today wanting him. My mind is going crazy I think about my ex on a pedestal yet he couldn’t give me what I want. I push away a guy who is giving me what i want and i don’t know if its fear of falling for someone else and losing them too or hope i might go back to my ex one day even though my rational side is very much aware my rship with my ex was wrong for me and caused these issues.

     

    I’m confused, I hate I have become this person, its making me sick. I just want to get off . Please can you help @michelle and let me know how you progressed without the past ruining your future. @shelbyville I read you had a new guy. How are things? Do you believe you can move on again?

     

    #329915

    Genie
    Participant

    @shelbyville @michelle

    I’m new to this forum, I just spent my Christmas in bed by myself because of an anxiety attack from feeling lost. I read the whole 92 pages and wanted to just talk to others who have been in similar situation. I went through a very prolonged break up with my ex of 5 years. His inability to commit or be on the same page as me drained me. I kept going back thinking this is better than being alone, I love him, I’ll get nothing like this ever again, no one else will love me. Before this I was a happy go lucky, independent person and feel this whole relationship has chipped away at me without me even realising and now I’m faced with not knowing who I am without him. It’s been 10 months now since our final break up where I decided unless I wanted to keep spiralling out of control and into depression I had to stop and never contact or be sucked in again no matter what.

    I dated and was getting more depressed as all I could do was think about my ex and no one will live up to him even though in reality the ex couldn’t provide me with what I wanted. But then I met this man who was a breath of fresh air and something started to make me feel alive again in me. When we were just hanging it felt great but it’s come to the next step and now Im panicking again, my chest feels tight, I keep pushing him away, he invited me for xmas eve at his and I said no and broke up with him. Then I sit here today wanting him. My mind is going crazy I think about my ex on a pedestal yet he couldn’t give me what I want. I push away a guy who is giving me what i want and i don’t know if its fear of falling for someone else and losing them too or hope i might go back to my ex one day even though my rational side is very much aware my rship with my ex was wrong for me and caused these issues.

     

    I’m confused, I hate I have become this person, its making me sick. I just want to get off . Please can you help @michelle and let me know how you progressed without the past ruining your future. @shelbyville I read you had a new guy. How are things? Do you believe you can move on again?

    #329969

    Genie
    Participant

    Sorry! Don’t know why it’s posted the exact same message 3x.

    #330847

    Kkasxo
    Participant

    @shelbyville & @michelle

    Happy new year ladies! How are you both doing?!

    #330967

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    Genie,

    Seeing your post now, I’ll be able to respond more fully tomorrow. You’re not alone as you’ve probably gathered by being on this forum!

    @kkasxo- happy new year! I can’t believe it’s 2020 now. Time is strange. I’m okay, still no job 🙁 Also my mind is all muddled again regarding the ex.

    How are you doing? X

    #331065

    Genie
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>@shelbyville thank you a lot. I’ll look out for your reply.</p>

    #331075

    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi all.

    First things first – apols for the long radio silence my side – it’s been crazy busy since I got back from SA end of Nov, what with a trip to Prague, three birthday’s to sort and then everyone round mine for Christmas – followed by now frantically sorting out this year’s first trip back to SE Asia with two weeks to go! All good stuff but no excuses for the delay.

    Second things second – can you believe it’s 2020?! Happy New Year even if you don’t feel all like celebrating right now.

    @shelby. Awesome 6th sense…let’s see if it works again..!  Is the retail job finished now post Christmas or do you keep going until you find something else you want?  I wouldn’t worry about feeling a fake – better to know how you are feeling than ignoring it.  I know you want to read things into him contacting you for your birthday but honestly, I’d bet money on he just thought it was the right thing to do – especially after that’s what you told him to do.  Either way what’s really important is that even if he did want to get back together – it would be for the same thing you guys had before, nothing different and not what you want and need in your life.  So yeah, does it make your heart yearn again for the impossible, do you imagine he’s changed after missing you etc etc – ofcourse it does & you do, that’s human. But each time you acknowledge the feelings but don’t act on them – choosing to deal with reality and pick a path forwards that’s good for you, that’s another step forwards.  I’m also sorry to hear it didn’t work out with the new guy, though not surprised from what you’d said. It all depends on what’s most important to you about a relationship but you can’t force it if it isn’t right for sure.

    @genie.  Wow – if you’ve read all 92 pages then you’ve read a lot of my advice and experience here already! Ofcourse I will try and help, though if you don’t hear back from me promptly it’s usually because I’m travelling somewhere and no wi-fi, as these guys know! Along with the pragmatic tips that helped my battered self-esteem e.g. eating well, exercising, getting out with friends & crying on their various shoulders, forcing myself into new experiences etc etc the biggest thing that helped on the emotional side was practicing being absolutely honest with myself and working hard to separate reality from my fantasy/rose-coloured specs. Really good friends and family can be lethally helpful with this too and it’s worth way more than sympathy, which is great but reinforces the feeling of loss, not the reality that it simply wasn’t right.

    E.g. the whole “I’ll never meet anybody as good as him” is something I understand as I felt that at the time too but it just isn’t true.  Being regularly depressed and anxious in a relationship is not exactly a sign of the “best relationship ever”.  It can be scary to be on your own for sure, especially if it is your first time doing so, as it was mine.  But being on your own is way better than being with the wrong person.

    In fact – the best thing I did to move on properly was to be truly comfortable by myself, able to look after myself both financially and emotionally. Like you, I’d lost the person I was before my ex and had become incredibly dependent on him – something it took me some time to be able to recognise – that’s that honesty with yourself thing kicking in! It took me a while and a lot of positive actions to find myself again and be happy with who I was alone.

    The big upside of it being that when you do eventually meet someone, you aren’t looking to that person to ‘save’ me, ‘look after me’ or ‘make me safe for ever’ – as those things don’t exist – you do those for yourself, supported by loving people around you for short periods but without becoming dependent on them for it. I.e. I then had something to offer a relationship, not just take from it, which is crucial to any relationship going the distance in a good way.

    What I’d suggest you start with is trying to calm the panicky feelings that are coming from your fear, try looking at your situation as your best friend would see it. Every time your fear tells you that your ex is the best you are ever going to get, acknowledge the fear but correct it with the truth – it was not a good relationship for you so even if he was the most amazing man in the world ( unlikely, sorry! ) he still wouldn’t be the right man for you. And that’s what matters, what’s right for you.

    @kkasxo. How goes it all? Sorry to hear you didn’t get that job, irritating when you click like that. Usually means somebody else made the final call but still hurts. Should all pick up again in the New Year I guess. More importantly, how’re you coping & how did you guys get through the festive break?

    #332069

    Shelbyville
    Participant

    @genie, sorry for the delay in replying. My head has been a little all over the place for the past while and I’ve been trying to figure out my next plan of action in terms of employment.

    Firstly, I’m so sorry. I really am. I’m sorry your heart has been broken and now your confidence is shaken and you’re experiencing panic and anxiety. I know that feeling well. I don’t know if I can offer any advice per se in the sense that you will have seen my recent posts and realised I haven’t exactly come out the other side. Yet (I hope I will). However Michelle’s advice is always pretty on point and useful.

    With regard to the new guy, I know it can be scary and intense. So I’m extremely close to my new guy now. It’s weird. I explained that I wasn’t in a position to be in a relationship and it was causing me anxiety and it was overwhelming and didn’t feel right and he understood and was extremely kind about it. We took a couple of weeks without contact and then he got back in touch and said he had thought long and hard about it and wants me in his life as a friend. He feels I have greatly enriched his life and he loves the conversations we have which are deep and enlightening, He says I have helped him boost his own self confidence and he’s going to spend much of this year on self growth and development. He’s a wonderful sweet guy and I truly want to see him happy. In the past while I have tried to push him away a little, bluntly telling him that it could be quite unhealthy to maintain such a relationship with the object of your affection. He keeps giving me logical and convincing reasons to remain friends and I find it hard to end the relationship entirely.

    He has been a huge support to me recently and I have stated to him that I’m hurting from a past pain and need to address that myself as I feel I’m relying on him too much to fill the gaps I’m feeling in my life. I explained that every interaction with him makes me feel better but it’s a temporary solution and I don’t want to end up reliant on yet another man to make me feel better. I have to do the work myself. He said I’m being stubborn and shooting myself in the foot and that he cares immensely about my overall wellbeing and happiness and if you have someone in your life who supports and helps you, why would you sabotage that friendship and feel like utter crap?! Again, I saw his point. So we’re close friends now. We only know each other about 6 months and sometimes it feels like 10 years. I don’t see him as the guy I want to be in a romantic relationship with, but I’m acutely aware that he’s filling some need currently. I don’t want to hurt him either.

    So, my long winded point is that, your new guy might be amazing and I completely understand the need to know is it self sabotage or whatever. But at the end of the day, I think Michelle will tell you this, if our exes are still pretty forefront in our minds….on a pedestal as you say (couldn’t have described it better myself!), then we’re not in a position to fully move on and be completely healed and self assured and confident and ready to fully open our hearts to someone new. Our hearts are not healed or whole enough to give to someone yet I think. I could be completely wrong, this is only from my own perspective. For example, the new guy is unreal when it comes to communication and emotional understanding and caring support, something my ex could never give me. So in many ways the new guy is more of a great guy that my ex will ever be…….and yet……my ex still trumps him. For no particular reason, only the little small things that I loved. WHY won’t they minimise and the larger problems we had maximise? Don’t know, rose-tinted glasses I guess.

    I have not been to a therapist in months as I’ve been travelling and then out of work so finances are not the best, but I feel I need to go back. Even just for one session until I can afford more because a lot goes on in our minds and sometimes if left unrestrained, we can work ourselves up into spirals. Sometimes perspective can be helpful, so I’d recommend talking to a professional if you are in a position to do so. I hope it helps alleviate some of the anxiety. I will say that initial anxiety, panic and depression subsides, it seems to be temporary, but you may already know that if you feel you were at least able to get back out into the dating world over the past few months.

    As for me, Michelle, most of my brain told me that the birthday text was a moral obligation on his part, but then he started checking in on all my social media posts- bear in mind that I had been so lucky up to now that my ex was insanely private and hated social media and never ever uses it. He initially set up an account before he met me, but never used it once while we were together and encouraged me to avoid social media too, but all of a sudden, though he has had not activity on his page since 2013, he now checks all my posts. I never deleted or blocked him because it didn’t even enter into my head, because it was a non-issue as I felt his account was dead anyway. Now you may ask why don’t I just delete him as a friend and also his best friend who sometimes sends me the odd greeting? I’m not ready. Yep, I’ll be honest and say it’s feeding into my hope.It’s not helping and I found myself posting the odd bit of content just to check had he checked it. I’ve stopped doing that now. I also texted him New Years Eve to wish him a happy new year and he replied with the same three words I had sent him saying Happy NY. So there was clearly no invitation for further conversation and I left it at that.

    He never is not on my mind and I wonder how or when does that fade? I feel like the third time we split last May, I kept going, determined not to let it derail me this time. I was incredibly busy with a big event at work at the time, completed my makeup course, did my exams, handed in my notice at work, travelled to Oz and NZ, took on a new short term job in a different industry where i got to experience a new environment and meet so many new people. I met a great new guy and even tried a new romance with him. But still, it doesn’t seem to have had any effect. I want to be back with my ex, and yes I know it wasn’t fulfilling me, but the need to just be in physical proximity to him still overrides. How frustrating! I feel like I’m lying to the world, that I’m faking a life I’m not really living. But I’m doing it with an honest heart. I tried all those things because I was trying to make myself happy or happier at least. I still can’t let go, I don’t know how and then I don’t want to.

    So that’s me, I’m not the greatest person to be getting advice from as I still need the advice myself. But I do care and I do empathise with anyone else going through similar situations. Mine is evidently not a unique scenario and I’d love to close my eyes and be 10 years down the road, superbly happy and looking back at this period of my life with puzzlement as to how I could have felt this way at this time. But that’s not how life works. So for now I’ll try and manage getting through each day and try not to rely on others too much and make myself more resilient. I don’t know where I’m meant to be or how to move this process along, so I’ll hopefully get to see my therapist some time in the next week.

    Michelle, I can’t believe you’re going travelling again, the envy is real! I feel almost daily now like hopping on a plane, but alas a lack of any kind of financial standing prevents those notions! I’m excited for you and wish you the most wonderful trip again.

    @kkasxo, how has 2020 been treating you so far? I got a few more rejection emails this week, but I’m hoping the universe is filtering out where I’m not meant to be! How is Mr. A? Did you manage to make it through the Holidays unscathed? x

    #332151

    Genie
    Participant

    @michelle thank you for your advice. Sometimes hearing the truth is a bitter pill to swallow. You are right my ex wasn’t the right partner for me or else he would’ve committed and we would be happy. I realised I wasted so much time going back when I should have taken a clean break and worked on myself. It’s basically me that’s the problem I need to look inwards. Thinking my ex was the one and without him I’m nothing has chipped away at who I was and my self esteem. I’ve asked my new guy for a little time to mend myself.. he is a good man and makes me feel alive  and I want to give him my all too but to do that I need to believe I’m worthy of him too and be present fully. I have started jogging again and the morning run is great. I chant in my head “I am good enough to be loved. I am worthy. I am going to be happy again.” By the end I feel the bad thoughts of my ex being the only one etc disappear.

    @shelbyville Thank you for the reply. Yes Michelles advice is on point. Sometimes we must stop wallowing in pity and face the facts so I appreciate Michelle for being straight forward. I need that in my life. The bluntness helps you realise the facts. You can only move on if you let go completely and holding on is stupid after it’s become clear it wouldn’t work. I’m tired of feeling like crap because of one person who did not bring me as much joy as I thought or had planned with him. I will no longer let him ruin my future. I’ll always feel he owns a chunk of my heart but I’m going to battle to not let him let me lose again. First I lost him, then i lost myself and i dont want to lose a good man because of my own fears.

    I’m no psychologist but with your new guy do you think you may be doing what I did? Pushing him away unconsciously. I kept saying to mine him liking me was unhealthy and he should move on but i missed him, seeing him with girls made me jealous these feelings you only get if there’s something more. If you think about it, is it just projecting? We loved someone who did not want us in the end, it got so unhealthy so now we project that instantly onto a new relationship or person due to our own insecurities.

    If there’s no sexual chemistry between you then that’s that. But you said it feels like you’ve known him 10 years and he does a lot for you and he is more of a great guy than your ex but your ex still trumps him . Maybe thats because you are putting up a barrier like me and stopping something from being because really deep down you are scared if this great guy suddenly causes more feelings you will be at risk of losing him and experiencing this horrific pain called heartbreak. So you are stopping yourself from finding those little things you may begin to love in him and instead doing the easy thing putting ex on pedestal and saying to yourself you are not good enough to be loved again and vicious destructive cycle begins. I would not end it based on what you said about the new guy some of the best relationships are formed on friendships. Start running and follow tips michelle gave its helping me build my self esteem again so I can then enter a relationship with my new guy and give back and offer something to him too.

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