Dear Anita,

Yes thats true, i had no idea what he meant, he does this often. He will tell me something doesnt feel right, or you arent your normal self etc,, i dont know if its fishing for something or his past guilty or present conscious coming into play

Blessings

Dear Anita,

Yes i know exactly, it just upsets, angers and confuses me. Sometimes like i said i really dont know if he is doing it on purpose or not. I know he is having a rough time over there where he is, but i feel every time he is mean or is abrupt with him i just excuse the behaviour by saying to myself be a little more understanding hes going through a horrible time right now. Part of me though says that he chose to be where he is today and it isnt my fault and i shouldnt be this person he feels he can take it out on all the time. He did however apologise later on in the day when he realised i stood my ground and didnt say sorry.

Blessings

Dear Mark,

How do you know though if it is unconscious behaviour or conscious, sorry i am just curious and love to learn. I actually really like what you said.. ”I don’t try to change them or expect them to change because it is unconscious.  I just decide whether it is tolerable for me to be around or not.”

I am bad for that, not that whomever i meet i want to change them, i have this Mother theresa complex where i want to help people, and if i dont succseed in helping them then i feel like a failure. I have helped all of my ex bfs..i know it must go back to my childhood, but i have always been this way. His behaviour for the past 3 years has been intolerable, but with each day that passes i think that my love and care for him will change him even though i know deep down this isnt so.

Blessings

Hey there Mark,

Right i get you, yes that seems to make a lot of sense, i do that quite often when i am very upset i say such deep deep things about my childhood to reflect upon how i am as a person today, if that makes sense? I do put my hands up and im not proud of it but i do suffer from emotional tantrums and they are so hard to control, i have been trying though. I will become hurtful and play the victim ( which in my relationships case most of the time i am) and say things such as ”the only man who ever accepted me or loved me was my dad, but hes dead and if i could take his place i would” I guess its still overcoming his death and the fact that he was the only man whom accepted me knowing i wasnt his, he gave me everything, never lied or mistreated me either. When i was going to the councillor she told me when i felt that this emotional tantrum would arise that i should leave the room, breathe and practice mindfulness. That did NOT help lol, when i am in that state of mind it is very hard for me to calm down then and there, i need at least half n hour, i found that going for a walk helped massively and phone on silent. Once ive calmed down i feel so embarrassed for the way i acted and then coming home to someone who doesnt even want to speak to me just makes matters worse. Ive said to him before, all i want is a hug, a touch, a sense of calm and ill be fine ill snap out of it, but i think its too much to ask.

Yes a very destructive pattern im afraid, every man i have dated has had issues with parents or disabilities, a bit like me. 1st one – Divorced parents, didnt get on with any of them, Dad and mum started a new family and he wasnt involved. 2nd one- His mum left him and his brothers when he was around 8 and never returned, left to be raised by the dad whom he loves but didnt do a very good job. Current bf – Never knew real parents, adopted at 5 and has issues with all his family as he is a closed book.

I have helped all of my partners go through things mentally, and in turn i am now mentally unstable.. ironic?

Hello Mepina

Thank you for such a detailed post to me, i appreciate it 🙂 Again sorry for not replying sooner, as i told Anita i just needed to take a break for myself.

”i think you already understand the paradox of this phrase: if things were ok, you wouldn’t have nightmares, you wouldn’t feel low. Our bodies and our emotions try their best to warn us when something is not going well. We, with our minds and all the wounds and insecurities, we tend to stick to situations and we ignore all the red flags, all the signs.”

Yes it was evidently not ok, the time i went back i had no trust in anyone not even in myself, i felt betrayed, i felt sick i just felt awful. I honestly felt like nothing. It was my determination to make things better again that i tried to suppress all those feelings and pretend to be ok. Hence the not sleeping at all, severe depression and the constant nightmares.

”Just out of my curiosity: do you REALLY want the whole proposal-marriage-living-for-ever-with-him plan? Just imagine that his application is successful and within some months he moves to your country and you start living together and you get married. Close your eyes and bring yourself to that exact moment: waking up in the morning with him by your side.
Do you feel happiness and calmness and a feeling that all are right? Is everything fine and you just feel incredibly with this idea? Do you trust and support fully this man lying there next to you? Do you feel you can also depend on him and you are living as a team now, in harmony? Are the depression and the nightmares gone? Are you happy?
Or that image brings you a kind of anxiety, an agony, a weird feeling of incompleteness like a goal never to be reached or a sense of instability and a burn in your stomach?”

This is the complicated thing Mepina, when things are good between us things cant be anymore beautiful, when a week goes by and we havent fought our days just flow so beautifully. We are kind to one another, we are romantic, we listen to one another. I dont want to sound like im the perfect one in the relationship as i am not, but it seems like he is the one to break that ”normality” and become abrupt when work becomes more stressful or if he has something to do, or when he wants to be on his own and im inconveniently there. It just comes to an abrupt halt, into which i get angry and frustrated and then the fights begin. The answer to your question is yes i can imagine waking up to him in the morning, i can see me married to him. I am scared of course i am of what could happen, and my obvious trust issues can be crippling, but i have always had trust issues. Every man i have been with has cheated on me however pathetic this may sound, do i have to wait for years and years till i find someone that wont cheat? I am not saying im settling because i may not find a man that wont cheat on me, but these trust issues will be with me for most probably the rest of my life. The nightmares have gone, the anger is still somewhat there not as much so, but the sadness is there too but its gotten better. These months apart has made me learn a lot about myself and the need to heal myself. Who knows maybe when we meet again things may all fall apart, but this time when they do i wont be running back to accommodate his feelings and soul, i will be there to help mine.

Kindest Regards

Dear Anita

Yes i agree, and this is what i have to learn to do, when i figure out what i am doing then i should basically just shutup, as i am crossing the line. He needs to learn how to do this too. I dont know why but the past week its been really good between us, i am not sure if its because all thats left is a month and we will be reunited.

I am becoming very nervous at the thought.. i dont know why.

Blessings