Wow, a whole year since the beginning of the end of that relationship! One whole year. 365 days. You’ve made progress but you’re still stuck. It happens to a lot of people, so you’re not so unusual.

Have you had enough yet?

If not, another 365 days will come and go, and at this time next year you may tell yourself: Two years since my ex went to that wedding and everything changed between us. I would do anything to go back in time and fix what i screwed up. At that time you can ask yourself again if you’ve had enough. If you haven’t, another 365 days will pass and at that time you may tell yourself: Three years since my ex went to that wedding and everything changed between us. I would do anything to go back in time and fix what i screwed up. Will you have had enough at that time?? Maybe, maybe not. Meanwhile life goes on but you remain stuck.

You say: I want to be a strong confident man again. Do you want that now or do you want to wait another year? You get to decide. You get to be who you want to be. If you want it now then make that decision now. Get out a piece of paper and write down exactly who you want to be, and then practice it every day starting today. Before long it’ll become a habit and you won’t even think about it. You will be that strong confident man. But if you would rather wait another year, that’s fine. It’s up to you.

She blocked you. That ship has sailed. Once you decide that you are a strong confident man without her, you are free!

🙂

Hi John,

So the first item on your list is to be confident and strong. So say you wake up and see the moon, full and bright, and it reminds you of your ex, and you start feeling regretful, weak and sad. Take out your list, which should always be nearby like in your pocket, and read item 1: I am confident and strong. This is who you are because each person gets to decide who he/she is. You want to be confident and strong and you’re the CEO of you, so you decide, and that’s who you are. It’s that simple. This means that anyone or anything that tries to sabotage your confidence and strength won’t be successful because you’re in charge. As the CEO of you, you’re smart enough to see what’s happening: a thought tried to pull you in AND YOU LET IT! You saw the moon, thought of your ex and got pulled in, then started to feel regretful, weak and sad. As CEO, you don’t have to do what anyone/anything tells you to do! You don’t have to get pulled in. You get to make the decisions! You can let the thought pass without weakening your confidence and strength. At first it’s difficult to do this, so don’t get discouraged. Over time it gets easier. I’m not saying you need to control your thoughts — that’s too hard to do. It’s much easier to control their effects on you. When a thought pops in you head, recognize that it’s only a thought, acknowledge it, you can even say aloud “you’re only a thought”, and then let it pass. Don’t identify with it. Don’t get pulled in. You’re confident and strong; you get to decide what happens once the thought pops into your head. You’ll get better and better at this if you keep trying.

Make your list. Read it before you get out of bed in the morning and then over and over again throughout the day.

John, once you are able to let these ridiculous, annoying thoughts pass without pulling you in, other things in your life will become clearer, like this other relationship you’re in.

Last thing: At the beginning of your last post you wrote I just can’t turn it off in my head. So stop trying to turn it off! Let the thoughts come if they want to come. Who cares if they come?? You don’t because you will let them go before getting pulled in. What you’ll see is that over time the thoughts will start to give up. They’ll start to recognize who’s in charge.

B

I just now realized that I left out an important part of my mud balloon story (lol!)…

Sometimes, after you catch a mud balloon, there’s no trash can nearby to toss it in, so you have to carry it with you wherever you go until you can find one. But having it with you doesn’t affect you at all. Your clothes are dry, clean, and comfortable the whole time it’s with you because it didn’t hit you. It’s just there, taking up a little space until you can find a trash can.

The End 🙂

So what happened this morning while you were writing your last post? You started thinking about the lyrics of the song Faithfully and your mind went “into overload” thinking that someday you and your ex will be together again, and before you knew it you were crying. A thought popped into you head and you very quickly identified with it, got pulled in, and became sad. What if as soon as the thought popped into your head you had stopped and told yourself that if this random thought is not fueled by your attention and interest, it will simply disappear? The silly thought isn’t real! It only feels real when you bring attention to it. If you don’t engage with the thought, it won’t exist anymore. Recognize that these thoughts are just random mud balls being launched at you, nothing more. Try to visualize that, if you can. Just gently catch the random mud balls before they hit you, and then throw them away.

You can do this.

B

Just relax, John. Take a deep breath and relax. Everything will be okay. This mud ball exercise isn’t meant to take up so much of your energy. It’s more about getting you to notice that when you buy into your thoughts, they can derail you. Just notice that. Simply noticing shouldn’t take much energy at all. It’s about becoming aware. That’s the first step. Next, once you are aware and able to see your thoughts for what they really are — silly ridiculous nothings that don’t need your attention — it’ll be easier to detach from them.  But that’s the second step; you may not be there yet. The simple realization, step one,  may relax you. It relaxes me.

You say  I really wish i would of never met her.  Do you think that it may be possible that going through all this pain is actually a blessing in disguise for you? After all, this pain of yours has pushed you to the point where you really need to address your obsessive compulsive thinking, don’t you think? You are over 50 years old — now’s the time, John! You now have an opportunity to learn strategies to handle all of your derailing thoughts. Don’t waste this opportunity!