Well last night was a tough one.  my girlfriend  and I pretty much fought most the night.  We talked and made up before bed, but still.  I just can’t help but think that this is not what it should be.  It feels like we fight almost everyday about something.  I’m sooooo tired of it.  And to make things worse, when we do fight.  I end up thinking about when i was with my ex and how we never fought.  I know there are plenty of time we should of when i bit my tongue instead of not saying something that bothered me.  Like she used to tell me that i needed to have my girls do more things around the house to help me.  (My girls were 6 and 10 at that time.)  but then when it came to her boys (17 and 19) they didn’t do shit for her.  It was like pulling teeth just to have her 17 year old empty the garbage.  But that was okay.  I should of said something then.  Or she would bring up things about me covering more of the expenses with my girls vs my ex-wife helping more.  Well my ex-wife just couldn’t afford it.  And then there was her and her ex-husband.  He didn’t pay shit.  She paid most of her oldest sons collage expenses, and when he got in a little trouble, she paid most the legal fees, and then she paid all the cell phones for both boys and covered the braces for her youngest.  She complained to me about him not paying, but she still did it, but then would say something about me.  I should of spoke up then.

I hate that i was such a quite, scared, impotent(not literally) man with her.  I really do feel like if i could of been strong enough to speak what was really on my mind that things would of turned out different.  Maybe not.  but that’s what it feels like.

I don’t know where this is going.  I do know that i’m still thinking about her every morning on my way to work.  It is very hard to catch those mud balls brandy.  it feels like i do sometimes but then one more is thrown and it pops  them all.

I’m trying so hard to get through this and move past her.  I am worried that i have mad the wrong decision with being with my girlfriend now.  This “normal” life of having kids all the time and not being able to have much, if any time to ourselves just doesn’t seem normal to me anymore.  When ever it gets a little tough, my mind reverts back to all the times with my ex with and without my girls.  That to me seems normal.  I was really thinking bout it.  not on purpose, it just popped in there.  I only get my girls 50% of the time.  I didn’t start having overnight trips to my ex’s for 2-3 months after we met and the last 2-3 months was very seldom because of her oldest son and everything else.  So in those 8 months or so we  did a lot of stuff together in that short time.  Even with my girls.

I miss that so much.  I miss going home on a Friday after have ants in my pants all day about seeing her that night and either cleaning up my house then waiting for her to get here or me hurrying, packing, showering, and then heading down there.  I miss the little things with her.  Like holding her hand everywhere.  I never really did that before.  It just never felt right.  With her, every time i was with her we held hands. It felt so natural and comfortable.  even driving i would keep my hand on her leg and hold her hand.  It felt unnatural if I wasn’t.  I’ve tried that with my girlfriend now and it just doesn’t feel right.  Even taking pictures with my ex.  I miss that.  I always had the biggest smile and there was no effort at  all.  Now, sometimes I have to force a smile, and i’m never the one taking the pic.  Before i was all about it.  I couldn’t have enough.  It just all made me so happy.  Just seeing her eyes.  Her big beautiful eyes.  The were full of so much love and innocence.  And the littlest things would lite them up like a kid at christmas.  God I loved that.  I’m smiling now, just remembering that stuff.  I’m tearing up too, but that’s okay.

I need to make it work with what i have now.  I know that.  I know that i will never have what I lost again.  That feeling of excitement and anticipation every day.  It took me months to not expect to hear my phone in the morning anymore.

UGH!, i’m sorry guys.  I really started running off here.  I guess i needed to.  I just remember so much good and fun and love.  It still feels like yesterday when i first met her.  God I miss her so much.

I’m really trying to focus on my situation now.  I do hope things get better.  If not then i will have to figure out something because i can’t be with one woman and thinking about another one that i can never have.  It’s not fair to anyone.  especially the kids.

well feel free to input if you want.  I think i just needed to vent some.  thanks

man, feels like i can’t win sometimes.  So i was cleaning out my desk friday, came across some pictures i printed out a year ago that i was going to hang up and never got to.  Of coarse they were all of when i was with my ex.  one was from our first weekend retreat together about 4 months after we met.  then another was of the first time we went riding together, another from a weekend that we took my girls on a trip up the coast line and another two was from my birthday weekend when she took me away for the weekend.  I looked so happy and so did she.  How do i look back at those kind of memories and be happy for what i did have and not be sad and hurt.  these freaking mud balls are coming too fast.  I feel like i’m back to square one when we first broke up.  AND ITs A YEAR LATER!  what the hell.

sorry, needed to vent.

thanks brandy,

I really can’t wait for the day  i can wake up and not think about my past.  It is really hard.  There are some days (like this morning) when thoughts creep in my head about the littlest details.  The color of her skin or sound of her voice, or even just the feel of her touch when she was laying next to me.  I really do hate it that i can’t have one morning without her there in my head.  I do really miss her.  I know that some of you guys think that I was more in love with that life or that type of person and that it’s the rejection thing I can’t handle.  I really do believe that i did/do love her with a deep true love that is a rare and beautiful thing.  At the same time though it is a curse.

If you all don’t  mind, i would like to blah, blah blah for a minute, I think this really helps me.

I remember, before i met her.  I would go to weddings, whatever, was even married for 13 years (I think).  And through all of that and my entire past, i never felt that way about anybody or events like weddings.  What i mean about weddings, is that i would go and watch and the groom would get all emotional and shit, sometimes start to cry.  I always wondered, why the hell is he crying?  I did’t at my wedding, not even close.  It almost was just another day to me.  It was a special day, but it wasn’t a day I could of lived without.

After I met her,(i think i may have told you this already?) I was driving around town.  this was only a few months if that after i met her.  I heard a song come on the radio.  I instantly saw her and I having our “first dance” as a married couple in my head.  It was crazy!  It was the most amazing feeling I have ever had.  I think that was the day i realized how much I had fallen in love with that woman.  How much that I have finally been able to give my heart to someone and have that feeling.  We went to a wedding together later on, and I got a little emotional.  I thought it was beautiful.  Two people so in love and committing to each other like that.   I Never in my life looked at it like that.  Not even my own wedding.  It was crazy.  All i wanted at that point was for her to be my wife and accept me as hers forever.  Which on that day(only two months before all went bad), it felt like she wanted the same thing.  But as you have all pointed out, i probably was seeing through clouded vision.

I guess when someone is that in love, that they only do see what they want.  Like me.  I only saw the parts where she was happy and showed me how much she did love me.  I didn’t see the parts where she was scared or afraid of how much i did love her and the parts where she did need to slow down and needed me to “hang on loosely” like the song from 38 special.  (I heard that song shortly after we split up and it stopped me in my tracks.  I thought when i heard that song, this describes what happened exactly) .

My vision was so clouded with how I felt and what I saw, i never saw how she really felt.  She even told me and I brushed it off.  I remember more than once when i told her how much i loved her, i asked her “does that scare you” and she said yes, a little bit.  I didn’t even think about it.  i thought that she was scared because she felt the same way.  Now i’m thinking she was scared because she wasn’t there yet and I as already pushing too much.  She told me to “breathe” so many times i can’t count.  And i still didn’t.  I couldn’t.  All i could think about was me and how much I needed to see her, talk to her, be with her, be the only thing in her life.  I was so naive.  I know if I would of listened to her.  If i would of “let it happen” instead of trying so hard to make it happen.  And if i would of breathed, and not made her the center of my world. that things would of ended up differently.  Who wants that type of responsibility or pressure?  To be under pressure that anything you do or say might hurt the person you are with, even if it’s nothing at all and you just need a day to yourself?  she even told me once ” i can’t be responsible for your happiness”.  I couldn’t see that, i only saw “why doesn’t she want to talk to me, or see me”.

DANG!  I really wish that i could of seen this and my behavior before it was too late.  Even after we broke up and when i was still talking to her, i would feel that way.  If she wouldn’t answer a message, i would wait a half a day or so, then message again!  like a freak!  Thinking about it, if i was her and my ex was like that with me, i would of blocked them too.

I guess through all of this, I’m kind of seeing more of the whole picture.  Did she love me and was she in love with me?  Yes of coarse she was.  However, I “loved” her too much!  What i mean by that is that I did smother her and push her away.  I couldn’t give her two minutes of peace with out me.  I detached from my own world and life completely and made her my everything all the time.  When i should of remained the same and continued with my every day and just included her in it.  I think about our timeline.  When everything was really good.  I was still doing my thing.  And when it did start to fall apart, If i wasn’t seeing her or whatever, i would stay home and be depressed, instead of getting out with my friends or my girls and doing something on my own.

This is crazy.  I guess i was obsessed with her.  She was my “ring” my “precious” and I lost my shit because of it.  I couldn’t handle it.

I do know that I miss her terribly still and probably will for a while.  I am really beginning to accept that I may never totally get over her and not miss her.  I may never feel like that bout anybody else again. BUT.  I need to make the best of what i have.  Like my girlfriend now.  It’s not an “ideal” situation.  It’s completely opposite of what i had with my ex.  But it can be a really good thing too.  I can have a warm and loving family everyday.  I have someone at home that just wants to make me happy and love me for who i am, flaws and all.  And i do love her.  I just don’t love all the stress and drama we have at this moment, but a lot of that is my own doing.

So i’m trying.  I working on this everyday.  yes, i close my eyes and I see images of my ex or memories or intimate times together, and that is hard, it does hurt, and  it makes me sad.  But i have to just push through and make those new memories with my girlfriend I have now.

I am trying.  It is incredibly hard, but i am.  I do hope  i can get to a day where one day, i wake up and don’t think about what could have been, about a time that i was with “her” and i only think about my day and the one i am with now.

Whew!  well i should get to work!, been here for 40 minutes now thinking and typing all of this!  yikes.  Thanks for listening again.  I know i’m a broken record, but it really does help.

Well, another day and another hurt.  I really wish i could wake up one morning and not hurt like this anymore.  I’m trying so hard to let it all go, but it doesn’t go away.

As far as my girlfriend, we finally had Saturday night and Sunday morning with no kids.  It was weird. It’s like we didn’t know what to do.  So different then before.  Before I would do whatever with my ex and be happy and excited about whatever it was.  Saturday felt like it was what we were “supposed” to do.  So different.  Maybe it’s just because we never did stuff like that and now it feels foreign.

We went to a movie, then went out and played pool and stuff.  By the end of the night, we did have fun, but we were fighting again by the end of the night.  My friends ended up meeting up with us later in the night.  She got upset because I seemed to “come alive” when they got there.  And wasn’t really in to it before.

Does that mean that i don’t have feelings for her like i should?  I’m so lost.

I think yes and no.  the Chase is exciting, but with my ex, I did think she was fully committed.  We just only got to see each other on the weekends and once during the week every couple weeks.  However, we did talk and text all the time.  So it didn’t feel like much of a chase.  The only reason we did not move in together is because we lived over an hour apart and with each of our kids it was impractical. ( although i think back and i could of made it work and i wish i would have.)  I was never bored or not “alive” no matter when or how long we had time together.  I was always into the moment.  even if it was just walking the beach for hours.  I didn’t care, i was just happy to be there with her.

I just smothered her, that’s why it all happened and ended.  One of the last things she said to me last time we messaged was that i became insecure and needy.  I started to get controlling and demanding.  Which was true.  I did and it caused be to be that way.  I lost confidence in myself and I know from my own experience that having someone that gets like that makes them unattractive and gets irritating to where you don’t want to be with them and when you finally do get a break it feels like a weight off your shoulders.  I wish i could of saw that when i was doing it though.  unfortunately all i saw was that if i show her how much i love her and everything i’m willing to do that she we feel special and want me more.  I just went overboard and lost my cool, became a spineless wimp that couldn’t do anything for myself or stand up for myself.  who wants that in a man?

enough about that though.  Yesterday i had a couple hits to the heart.  The first one is that i forgot to delete a calendar event i had on my computer/phone.  It was a reminder a few weeks in advance about the first day we physically met.  NOV  7.  that was awesome!, then last night i must of missed deleting a pic on Facebook from a year ago.  I got one of those “memories” things on there about our last weekend trip to the coast.  It was a picture of the beach and sunset from our room.  It was an amazing weekend, but it was the last full weekend together.  And that was the weekend i should of snapped out of it and stood up like a man and made her tell me what was really going on, instead i just was “okay” with everything.  Never told her what i thought when i should of.  I think that was my real last opportunity to save our relationship.  I knew there was something more than she was saying, i was too scared to bring it up though.  If i could turn back time…  Sher had it right.  lol.

anyways.  seeing both of those kind of sucked, but it wasn’t as bad as i thought.  It has been a month and a half since our last contact.  So hopefully things will be getting back on track with me soon.  I think i will always miss her deeply though and i just have to learn how to deal with that and not make it a thing that ruins or consumes my day.  damn mud balls….  haha

I know you’re right and that’s what i need to do.   It’s still hard to. I still have those voicemails.  🙁  i haven’t listened to them though.  I’m doing what i can.  It’s like i’m trying to erase one of the best years of my life.