I did see her son as a competition.  i do know that.   I felt threatened by him.  I resented him for taking her away from me.  Especially when he got so upset that I was going to go on the wedding trip and that because of that (or at least that was the reason she said) that i got 86ed from the trip.  I felt that anytime she spoke his name that any plans we had were done.  That hurt every time, when i should of been happy for her to spend time with him, and spent time on my own doing something else with my friends, kids, or a hobby.

In fact, you know how I told you about me guilt tripping her.  Well there was an occasion, when we had plans to hang out all weekend.  She was supposed to come up on friday night.  Then she found out he was coming down for the weekend.  She told me that she would come up late friday night, then it was saturday morning, then saturday night, then it was just going to be sunday for the day.  Well It never happened.  And it turned out that they did nothing but fight and argue all weekend.  It was a miserable weekend for her because of that and for me because i felt like i was just dangling in the wind.  Then to top it all off, when she apologized for not seeing me, i told her that “it’s okay, i kind of knew once you told me he was coming that we wouldn’t be seeing each other anyways”.  God, what a D&%K!!!  It’s crazy how stupid i was about stuff like that.  That must of made her feel like absolute crap, especially since she already felt bad  and had a horrible weekend.  I just didn’t know how to deal.  Hindsight.  I should of told her as soon as I found out he was coming down, “lets plan on another weekend so you can spend time with him” or ” maybe i can come down one day for lunch or something and we can all hang out together”

I think that reasons like these is what makes it so hard for me.  Finally seeing everything i did, how selfish and self centered I was on making it all about the all the time, even though i kept thinking i was there for her.

Hindsight  is a bitch.  That is for sure.  Here I was thinking i was helping her, and i was really just making her constantly feel like she was letting me down.

I know i can’t change any of that.  I can’t go back in time.  I can’t snap my fingers and get a second chance to show her that I HAVE learned about myself and want to be better.

It just really freaking sucks that I didn’t learn this about myself before it got to the point of no return.  And then even after, when we started talking again, i still was a poopy guy with guilting in my words.  Instead of just really being a friend, listening to her and being happy for her, I kept pushing until I pushed so hard that she blocked me for good.

Who knows?  maybe that was my second chance when she originally started talking and flirting with me, maybe not??.  And me instead of being light and fun, got serious and dark, dwelling on the past.  I will never know.

I really do wish i could just forget and be happy for what i have now.

It just hurts.  I think it hurts more knowing about the man i became and how i was so selfish and self centered, when i should of been supportive and giving, knowing that I caused all of this, then it does that she is not with me anymore.

Anita, yes there are a million songs about this feeling.  I know, i have a lot of them in my playlist i made up when everything went down hill.  “AMAZED” is a good one that describes exactly how I felt.

I am learning a lot.  So much that it kills me.  I feel like i’m learning that i am all the reasons she left, because of my jealousy, need to be center of attention, need to be noticed, and not being there for her when she needed( is still made it about me).  An example about that is the night she found out her sone was going into the marines.  It was a work night and I was talking to her on the phone.  I kept telling her if she needed me, i would head down there.  She finally said yes.  So i packed up clothes for the night, and took off.  I got to her house about 11:00 PM. (mind you, i had to work at 7AM an hour and 1/2 away, so this part was me being there for her).  Well after I got there i listened to her, but instead of just listening to her vent and cry, I tried to fix it.  I was trying to tell her what to do and how it’s going to be.  All she needed was me to hold her and listen to her, and I didn’t.  To top it off, i started to make it about me.  I told her about the song “all of me” I heard on the radio, and made her listen to it because it described how i felt about her.  GOD!  what a douche i was.  I totally took advantage of the situation and turned it on me.  I can only imagine how many other times that i did this unknowingly??  One of the things she did tell me after we were done, is that it was always about me.  I was blown away!  I thought, that’s bullcrap!  I was always there for you, doing for you and your boys.   I didn’t know what she meant or how she came up with that until now.  Really hurts to learn that about yourself.  Hurts to see everything so clearly and know there is nothing that can be done now.  all things that if i would of known, or she could of told me straight out, face to face, blunt, hurtful if need be.  Maybe I could of changed my ways sooner before it was too late.  It really does hurt learning all that about yourself.

“This woman was not like your mother, she was like a good, loving, embracing mother. There is a difference.

If you managed  to reunite with her, the woman  we are talking  about, you would still be  jealous of her son, or of someone else she  may attend to. The competition would  have continued. It would  feel good until this or that happens, and you will be waiting for this or that to be  over so that you will have her  again, all to yourself.”

Honestly.  I don’t know how i would be.  Part of me likes to think that I have learned enough to catch myself from being that way and just be supportive and patient.  Yet, part of me would be longing to see her whenever I could like i am now.  So who knows.

“What goes up, must come down. So, John, if this is what you felt, it might have just been an extended, really strong honeymoon phase.”

yes, i do agree with this.  It was like a longer honeymoon phase.  I really feel like this would’nt of went away though.  We would of had our moments, but the feelings that we had…  Would of overcame those moments.  Unfortunately, i was too much of a coward to bring up those moments.  When she did put me on the back burner or flake out on me after a promise.  I should of expressed how i really felt and told her that that is not okay to keep doing that or whatever, instead of avoiding conflict like I did.  To make an omelette you need to break eggs right?  Well I never did.  There was only once or twice I told her how I really felt, in the beginning.  Whats funny is when i did, things were better after.  Then i got so attached and afraid, that i quit.  I was like a little kid in a lot of ways.  Jealous, afraid, timid, passive aggressive.    WOW!  A thought just now hit me.  I was thinking about my girlfriends daughter, she is 9 and a princess.  Whenever she doesn’t get her way or things work out how she wants, she gets a crappy attitude and is like “fine, i won’t do this anyways!!” or just pouts the whole time.  That is exactly how i started to behave.  In the beginning, I was all good with things.  Like, “Cool, i have other stuff i can do anyways. talk to you soon”.  Over time, it became a thing where I would just pout and be alone, intentionally not doing anything, trying to prove a point or make her feel guilty.  Just like a child would.  OMG!  I’m really feeling like an idiot now.  More so than before.

She once told me, that she hopes when her boys grow up, they are like me.  That I am the man she wants her sons to become.  That was the nicest thing anyone has ever told me in my life.  At that point in time, i was a good man.  I put her needs ahead of mine.  I really don’t know where, when or why it all went wrong.  I don’t understand what turned me from an understanding, patient, confident man to a child.  Man this really sucks learning all of this.  It’s good for me, but really hurts.

“when we were near each other, we were drawn together like magnets, just always wanting to be hugging or just connected in some way, even just holding hands, for 2 straight years. And he felt like “home” to me. I felt extremely comfortable, relaxed, safe, warm, protected, calm. Other boyfriends have made me feel some of those things but never to the extreme extent all together to where it literally just felt like I was home and all was right with the world.”

YES YES YES YES!!!  It was freaking crazy.  Seriously, it was like there was no place in the world i would rather be when i was with her.   Having that kind of feeling is amazing.  I never ever experienced something like that before.

“Now if that feeling SCARES someone, then that fear (of either the feeling or the loss of it) might have to do with an attachment issue with a parent.”

I don’t know if it scared her.  Like It was becoming too much of a reality and she knew she couldn’t give me the commitment i was needing.  I do know it scared the crap out of me  thinking about losing it.  Ironically, that’s what caused me to lose it.  The more scared i got, the more I held back and bit my tongue and the more needy and pushy i got(like a child not getting there way).  UGH!!! HINDSIGHT!!!!  I hate  this so much.  It feels like the worst lesson on myself ever.

It feels like, “Here is love in all its glory”, now “here is what it’s like to lose that because you weren’t ready”  Too bad for you!

“None of us know what will happen in the future, but if we really want to experience that feeling again, we have to believe it will come after we’ve done some self-improvement and are ready to hold it gently this time.”

The future isn’t written.  I know that, but at the same time i don’t.  Like i keep telling myself, “if i do this or that” then she will come around again.  I need to just let go and let it be, and if we do cross paths again, then maybe it will happen, or maybe I will bond and grow with my girlfriend i have now and it will be amazing or even more amazing.  I can’t look into the future, maybe that’s why i look at the past so much.

All this talk about holding on gently and songs and things.  There were two songs i heard right after we broke up that really hit hard.  one is ” Hold on Loosely” by  38 special.  I heard that and it was like a bell went off in my head.  Like DUH!  I couldn’t do that.  I squeezed so tight, she couldn’t breathe!!  The other is “boys of summer” by Don Henly.  Every time i hear that song.  I think of her.

God i really do love that woman.  I do hope that someday i can just be happy that i had that feeling before, and not have remorse and pain from pushing it a way and killing the love she had for me….