but if you two fight again and she launches into the “this is about me!” thing, I think you need to let her know it IS her, too.  Her reactions to things are not at all healthy (and there is no excuse for it anymore. You’ve been faithful so she needs to trust you), and that’s putting a huge strain on your relationship too

I actually did tell her that much.  I told her that her insecurities are causing a lot of issues and that I know i screwed up in the past, however I haven’t been talking to anyone for a long, long time.  That i’ve even quit talking to my sister about our relationship.  That god forbid i would want to hang out with my best friend for a little bit because the would be at home stewing the whole time thinking i’m doing something else or seeing someone else.

Aside from that, you two just aren’t compatible, so it’s you, her, and both of you together that isn’t working.

I told her this also.  That we can have fun together, but we don’t fit together, that we are not compatible.  I’ve told her that several times.

anita, the kids were at their older sisters that night.  So it was just me and her at home.

she has, she only gets $90 in food stamps, no cash assistance.  For daycare she would have to pay the first $400.  She did fill out an application for low income housing, however the waiting list for that could be up to 3 years.   So who knows when and what is going to  happen.

Here is something that is really messed up.  Her brother ended and kicked out his girlfriend.  he told her she could move in if she paid $400 and utilities.  Her kids would of had to share  a room, but she would have been back close to her family and friends and her kids have lots 0f friends there.  We talked about it and i told her that i thought it was a good idea.  Then before we could talk more, she told her brother no, that she couldn’t afford it and that she didn’t want to move her kids, just to have to move them again later.  She decided all of this without having a final discussion with me first.  So i was going to bring it back up to her Monday after work ( i would have sooner, but we had our daughters birthday parties on Sunday and I didn’t want to ruin that for them) and tell her that I think she needs to do that, that I would even help pay if necessary for a month or two.  but once again drama struck.  her oldest daughter had baby daddy problems and had to move out of her apartment ASAP(he got violent).  So she moved in to my girlfriends brothers house instead.

I tell you, it is amazing how things work.  I had my opportunity and i missed it.  She knows that i’m not in love with her, but she is still hanging on, trying to do whatever she can to make it happen…  HMMMM sounds familiar.  i guess in a way i’m doing the same thing in my head with the ghost in my past.

Hello, i know, or i get the impression most of you are done listening to me.  I need to talk and have no body to confide in, so this is it.  Even if i get no responses, It will help me just writing this out.

since my last post, my girlfriend and i have been doing this break up/make up routine every weekend.  Big drawn out ugly fights, then in a day or two we get back together.  Well last night we got into a big one.  Long story short, I told her i need to be alone with my girls and she asked if I would be okay with her not there.  She asked if i would miss her.  I told her i would be fine.  I would miss her, but as a friend.  That I am done and need to be alone so I can fix myself.  So I think that finally did it.  Today she said she changed her status on FB and is packing and going to stay in her sons room until she can find somewhere to go.  Her family is screwed up.  All they want is money from her and none of them are stepping up to help.  I hope that now they will.  She needs love and support.  I feel so bad about all of this.  Seeing her cry  and hurt breaks my heart.  And the kids… They are going to be devastated.  I know this is toxic for everyone to continue what we have been doing and in the long run it will be better for everyone, but it is so hard and painful.  We all hurt tremendously.

Another thing surfaced as well in my life.  Turns out my Best friends wife recently became friends with my ex on FB also recently.  That was definitely a big blow to me.  I’ve know her for over twenty years, she knows how I feel and has been a front row witness to my pain and struggle.  I have confided in her over the last year and a half about my feelings and how I am doing.  She didn’t even really like my ex, especially after we broke up-she hated her.  Now this?  Then my ex posted a comment on her time line!  What the hell?   I feel so betrayed by my friends wife.  She is like a sister to me.  I can’t help but wonder who reached out to who and why?  I know it doesn’t matter, but damn.  Even when we were together my friends wife pretty much ignored her and gave her the cold shoulder.  I am so lost with everything.   I know that seeing my friends wife be friends with my ex shouldn’t even bother me and is none of my business, but it does and it hurts and is very confusing.  I feel like everything is crashing down around me.  I’m not looking for sympathy, just need to express myself.  I can’t even talk to my best friend who i’ve know for over 30 years now because of conflict of interest.

The only thing I do know is i’m not backing down with my girlfriend this time.  This time it is final. WE are finally over.  I know it’s going  to get uglier before it gets better, but I can only hope that she is able to leave my house soon and I can rebuild myself like i need to.  And i hope she can as well.  I do love and care for her, just not in love with her like I should be.

I am so ready for this year to be over.  I really hope I am able to make next a good one, be positive and rebuild myself and my life.  For me and my girls.

Thanks Valora.

Well she is moving out with in a couple/few weeks.  She started packing yesterday.  She is going to be in a hardship, but her mom is going to try to help.. Her kids were upset.  Especially her daughter.  She thought that i would never see her(her daughter) again.  I told her that she can come and visit me and the girls when she wants if we can make it happen.  She was also upset about changing schools and being embarrassed about going back to her old school, so i told her about my history as a child and how much i switched schools and that her old friends are going to be excited to see her again.  When we were done talking she felt pretty good.  As far as my girls… They were both excited.  I guess that goes to show something there.  My “roommate” thought that i was going to just go completely out of the picture.  I told her I would never do that to her kids, especially considering my child hood and issues I had with visitation with my oldest.  I am like a father to her kids.    I figure when they are gone, if they want to visit or stay the night when i have my girls, then no worries.  And that eventually over time they will fade out.  If not, then that is okay too.   I did make sure to clarify that doesn’t mean we are still trying.

As far as my friends wife and my ex.  I am still just blown away and in disbelief.  It’s not like we share a circle of friends or acquaintances to where this is something that would happen because of that.  either of them had to intentionally look up the other one for a reason.  What ever it is, i am going to do my best to stay out of it and not assume anything.  Really, this is none of my business and I have to treat it that way.  Like you said, who knows why and the intention, but you never know what could come of this.  I am not going to push for anything or try to make anything happen.  I’m just going to focus on myself and learn to love myself again.  Maybe in time i will get back to the man I was and my ex will see that and reach out?  OR maybe she is truly in love with her man and she will be with him forever, Or maybe i will eventually find someone else that does fit me, or maybe in the end I will learn how to be just friends.

I do know that I can’t dwell on that and try to make anything happen.  What will be will be.  For now it’s all about me and making me better.

That being said.  I still miss her every day, so this will be very difficult especially if they continue to start commenting on each others pages.