damn, this is really hard.  She also said i overthought things too.  read too much into stuff.  maybe I’m insecure, what a nice thing to find out at this age…

this is enlightening but also really freaking sucks at the same time.  Holy cow! I’m blown away… Kind of stings a bit.

Well after all this, this is what i’ve decided to do.

I’m taking a break(possibly permanently) from my current GF.  I really need to evaluate how i do feel about her.  Maybe i think i’m in love or maybe i’m just liking the companionship?  I am going to tell her everything, that i’m worried about the drama in her life, and also that i don’t think i’m ready for this yet, considering i’m still having trouble letting go of my ex.  I don’t think I should be thinking about her and missing her like i do before i try to build a new relationship.  I do find myself comparing, which isn’t fair to anyone.

For my Ex, She hasn’t contacted me since her birthday.  So either she is done and is trying to make a point(which is probably the case), or texting me like she has has brought up feelings with her as well and she doesn’t want that, or doesn’t know what to do.  So i’m going to give it a few days longer, then send her a text just simple asking how she’s been and if she’s having fun with her boys(her oldest is home for a couple weeks from the marines).  Then see her response.  then I may send her that “letter” anyways or not depending on her response.  I know what you all have told me, but i figure, if i do send it and she gets upset or pissed and says no, then i will know for sure and won’t always have that “what if” in my brain.  I know i should wait and slowly build up, but if this is something she wants or is thinking about, then why not?  Or if i do wait, and things do get serious with her current BF?  I don’t think my letter is demanding or needy.  I was completely honest in it and just said in a nutshell, if she is having feelings and can give us a chance, then why not?  And that i know i have my own issues that I did not realize when we were together and I need to fix.

At the end of the letter, i asked if she could meet and we could talk, regardless of her decision.  We never did have a real talk after the break up.  Just a lot of angry and hurtful texting, which texting is so hard to interpret.

I don’t know.  I do feel like if i wait too long, that if she is thinking about me or us that she might decide to wash it all under the rug.  Very difficult.  I wouldn’t be so confused if she hadn’t sent me selfies, or talked about missing my girls and my dogs and that she said no-one has ever cared for her like i did.  There was more things that she said that makes me wonder.  Why would someone do and say those things if they didn’t have second thoughts?

Man this is messed up.  How can i love someone like that?   Seriously unconditionally.  It’s crazy to me.  I need to end this though.  Either something is going to happen or it’s not and I will be done contacting her all together.

So let me have it.  tell me what you all think and how I’m screwing up here.  seriously don’t hold back.

yes, I suppose you’re right there.  I just hate not being completely honest with her.  It kills me.  Especially because i wasn’t with my ex.  And that hurt her the most.

Anyone else?  This is so hard.  I’m so torn.  I don’t know if i should just count my losses and quit all communications with my ex or if i should try?

I have talked to my best friend about this and he said that none of my friends like her now because of how bad our break up messed me up.  And they felt like she controlled me.  Which she didn’t.  I created things in my head.  When she couldn’t see me, i would just hang out at home and not do anything, I quit hanging out with my friends like i used to.  All of which was my decision.  She even told me to do stuff with them and i didn’t.  I painted a bad picture of her with my friends.  Dang.  I don’t know.  Maybe it is best if i just end all of this now.  It’s so hard though, so hard wondering.  I know there are  a million what ifs and scenarios.  but seriously, i really was never happier than i was with her.(of course this is before the tornado of drama all hit).  I still regret the way i handled everything.

Wow. I never thought about it all that way. Kind of pisses me off. Why in the hell would someone flirt like she did (I know you told me why) if she knew how I felt. Almost feels like games or a power trip.

Yes I was devistated. I guess I don’t understand how someone that showed me so much love could just be done. Yes it still hurts and I am continuing my suffering.

Just freaking sucks.

Thank you B. You did help me see how desperate I am appearing and would be if I did text her and send her that letter.

I wish she wouldn’t of contacted me again. I was getting so much better until then.

I hate hurting like this. I would never wish this pain and confusion on my worst enemies.

Thanks again. I’ll keep you all posted on what happens in the next couple weeks.

I did want clarification. Which she did. But after that she kept initiating conversation.

For example we started talking on a Thursday night. It continued very steadily through Friday afternoon. Which one of the texts I sent her is “if she’s been riding much?”  (We used to ride quads together). She said “she doesn’t have anyone to go with anymore and the last time she went was with me” so I said  “we could meet up sometime and go for a ride. You never know what the future holds. I’m always down for a ride. “she responded “ down for a ride huh?!  LOL sorry…never know”

i just responded “funny girl”

and she sent an emoji ?

Ii didn’t respond back. Later that next night she texted me out of the blue

“check out the moon tonight!”  (The moon was one of our things.)

Then texted back and forth that night and she asked me questions about my GF. This was after we agreeed not to talk about our current gf and bf. (her idea btw)

she even asked me if I e moved her in and previously did admit to being jealous. It was later that night usually she would normally be asleep and that’s when she sent me the selfie saying “so you do t forget me”

So I guess that could be misunderstood as flirting. Really felt like it to me. That’s what I meant by I wish she wouldn’t of contacted me again  if she would of left me alone after telling me why she really left  that would of been great  in fact I felt great after she did  it felt like I got the closure I needed and I was happy. I felt like I could finally move on. but then when she kept texting and said those things  that’s what sparked me up again.  That’s why I was confused and still am

what u said does make sense though.  To an extent.  I guess if I still didn’t have feelings for her maybe I would of been able to see it different  but to me it feels like flirting. I even told my good female friend about it and she got pissed.  She thought that my ex was playing games and screwing with my head.

I do need to just forget about her though. It’s just hard to do. I try. It’s just difficult.

Thank you.

I’m really not obsessing. I just miss her. Ive missed her everyday since she left. It feels like my heart breaks over every day and she is the only one that can put it back together.

I don’t know why I feel like this.  I think like I’ve said before I’ve never loved someone like that before. I really think she was my first real true love. I knew within a week of meeting her that I loved her. I never believed in that shit. I always thought it was bullshit. Then it happened to me.

So by proving it. That means me not contacting her anymore?  Help me out here. I want to do the right thing. If I texted her happy mother’s day Sunday would that be a bad idea. It will be a week Saturday since she contacted me last. Or should I just wait and if she doesn’t again forever leave her alone?  I can’t help but think she has these feelings too but. Is too afraid of being hurt again. She was betrayed by her own family when she got her divorce. Then when we broke up I betrayed her trust by talking to her friend trying to figure out what happened. Because all she ever told me was it had nothing to do with me and I deserved to have someone that made me happy(she didn’t think she did at the end). She just always said that she was screwed up and not meant for a relationship.

This is a book. Sorry

So there’s more to my ex’s relationship than I’ve told you. I just realized a coincidence. I could be full of crap but here it is.

So we were happy. Really happy for a long time. I fact in February 2017 she found out that her brother was getting married in late September 2017. At that time she told me I was going. It was going to be in vegas(that’s where he lives). So I was thrilled. Of coarse I wanted to go. It was going to be a 3 night 3 day trip.

Fast forward to late August. I was at the doctor and I was filling out my paperwork and I texted her “can I ask you something?” (That was one of our things too). She said “of coarse, anything”. I asked her “ will you be my …” then I said “emergency contact?”  She said” of coarse” and “next time you start a question like that it better be in person?”. (These may not be word for word but really damn close).   So later that week she told her boys that she was buying tickets for the trip in one month. And her oldest son (19) flipped out and was pissed or upset that I was going. He then dropped the bomb on her that he planned on going into the marines after the wedding and told her he thought it was going to be a family trip with her and his brother only.

Well they fought about it for a week or so and eventually she caved. I wasn’t going. I didn’t tell her how I felt because I thought she was dealing with enough shit. I just said I understood and let it happen.

well they go on the trip. I dropped them off at the airport and she could tell I was hurt. I was even watching her dog for her now that I wasn’t going. I was just trying to be there for her.

That night she tried calling me and I missed her call. I called right back but no answer, twice. Not even a text that night after. She did leave a nice message saying she would call me when she can.

Well as the weekend went on I was good and waited to hear from her before I texted her, but she never would text me so I did around lunch and at night. But the messages were brief. Long story short we never talked on the phone once that weekend and hardly texted at all.

Keep in mind just one month earlier she went there for the bachorlette party weekend and I left her alone then as well, but she made sure to text and call a lot and always told me she loved me and missed me.

Well I pick them all up from the airport and she acts like she hasn’t seen me in a year. But they had to hit the road. So the next morning I waited to text her till about 11:00 cause I figured she would be busy at work.

Pause- up until this point we texted on and off all day from before she left for work until we went to bed and talked at least twice a day. – back to my story

When I texted and asked her how work was she told me she didn’t go in and had the day scheduled off. I thought it was odd that she was home all morning and didn’t text like she normally did. But I didn’t say anything. We hardly texted that day as well. That night we talked. Finally after 4 nights(besides the 10 minute car ride from the airport to my house). She was real brief and impersonal. I asked about the weekend and wedding and she told me as if she was reading an itinerary. Real quick. Maybe 1-2 minutes. Then she was done. Goodnight.

In the next 4 days texting was at a minimum and we didn’t talk on the phone ( her choice). That weekend she told me we needed a break. She said she was f&$@ed up and wasn’t meant to be in a relationship. And it has nothing to do with me. I was destroyed. How can only one month before she can be joking/serious about marriage and now this?

Well we texted a little bit and one of her texts was pretty bad. Some of the words was “this was never intentional” and “I’m not a hypocrite” and that “you should move on and start a new chapter in your life”. I was lost and crushed. This went on for two weeks. We kept in touch but not much. Some of her texts were mean and hurtful like she was trying to get me to leave her.

After two weeks she told me she missed me and we need a weekend together just us. So I made it happen. That next weekend we stayed out of town together. It was good but she told me more of all of her problems she was facing. Then she told me about the wedding finally. Well I forgot to say that her brother is in a biker “club”. A pretty big one. So for the wedding the rented a hotel in the middle of the desert for everyone one big biker “club” party. She told me about one of the guys. He had tattoos on his head. She said he asked her to go back to his room and make bad decisions. I asked like what and she said i don’t know but thought it was funny. After that weekend things got kind of better for a couple weeks then she turned cold again.

It was coming up on our one year date of meeting each other and we haven’t seen each other for a week. And she didn’t want to on that weekend either. So for our “anniversary “ of one year I had flowers delivered to her work three different times that day. I thought it would be romantic.  Well  that backfired  when they delivered the second batch she texted me “more flowers, seriously? I thought we talked about moderation.  They are beautiful though”  so I told her about the third delivery and she felt like an asshole .  That night we talked about it and she said again she was f$&@ed up  and broke.  well that next night I went to text her friend about the flower comment to see what she thought because my ex really wouldn’t talk much  or really tell me what was going on.  I accidentally sent it to her  that’s how she found out about me talking to her friend.  The next day is when she broke up with me.  She said it wasn’t the reason and that it had nothing to do with me and that I deserve someone better.  And that she is broken and not meant for a relationship and never thought she would be better.

Well I found out barely a month and a day after she broke up with me she met someone else and that’s the guy she is with now.

Thats when it got real ugly.

So fast forward to a month ago  that’s when I sent her that letter.  I asked her straight out if she messed around or even cheated on me in Vegas and that’s why when she got back it felt like she couldn’t be with me or talk to me as much or like she did before  there was just some kind of wierd tension.  She was hurt that I would think that, but really gone for a wedding party weekend and then everything changes?  She said she never ever cheated on me and never would.  That’s when she told me about the red flags.

well I guess my point to all this is that she visited her brother last weekend in  Vegas and that’s when she stopped texting me again.  Just seems odd to me.  Really makes me wonder if something did happen and going there brought up guilt?  I could be full of crap  just kind of hit me though.

Sorry about the book.