I didn’t know you had asthma

I have asthma, just nowdays it a problem like it was, although in the past i didn’t smoke (and now i do without triggering the problem)

saying “no thanks” to people who repeat sayings that they hear without considering the bigger picture.

I didn’t understand this statement, what i understood that i don’t see the bigger picture to the benefits of walking, to that i answer: i don’t like it, i can do it for a long time, but my liking doesn’t change, i would still not like it, not without a specific goal in mind, and healthiness isn’t a goal to me, since it doesn’t change anything in my day or mood, it doesn’t actually make a different, unless i do something physical like corrective exercise that relive my lower back pain, this is not only good, but neccessary, so does smoking to me, its neccessary not for survival but for not hating life so much, its not about smoking, but more about the routine, the whole thing, going on the roof, alone, near the sky, with my favorite music, and a cup of cappuccino, while smoking, just  so good

 I didn’t understand the italicized part (something happened just then?)

Not really, i just had those feelings back in the day, i saw a woman in the TV and i had them again, its a complicated problem, since those are tied together, helplessness and females

would pay anything just to be with her”- pay what?

The thing is, i know that if i pay what i supposedly should pay, i won’t have it, i will be disappointed by the result

you mean you said it out loud to yourself.. not to the pharmacist/ in public, right?

Almost said it out loud, though i tend to say it out loud when im alone

based on your strong need to love and be loved in return

I wished i didn’t have it, its suffocating, whats the point of needing something that you will never work for?

 I asked in case there is something new in your willingness to pay.. some new something (not that I am wishing that there was

Whats the point? No matter how much i try i won’t shake the hate i got for ordinary life, the stromg need intepented, to be free and to have my own time, i wish it was there, but with a full package, i wish i was normal, i wish i was something, all i do is wish and whine

By doing so, I hope that you will.. not rush it.

And i should just see myself suffer for 60-40 years for nothing? Death would be the reward after enduring this life? What a great deal, i have to say currently im not suffering much, its the medication, relieved my GAD and depression, but the thing is, for all i know that i will be like this for as long as i live, and the world is getting harder and harder to live in, the competition is getting harder and harder, while i, not even living, i accepted this whole thing, but i accepted something unacceptable, im no good to myself or others, i won’t move and marry and make a family, that’s the only way to get what i want, and i refuse to do it, im rushing because imagine living like this in my 30, how would people will see me? And then i will have those ideas and beliefs in even deeper level, so change would be harder as i grow, i feel like i just watch people live, like i don’t exist, and its my fault, i wanted this, to be nothing, i worked for it, and its hurts, and the thing is, i don’t wanna fix it, my friend was right, i should do it already, but no i develop more apathy just to see how things go, just to see myself, this character i always wanted to be, a monster i created, i highly recommend you listen to the song i mentioned to teak (im the devil, lil b), just listen to the lyrics, i couldn’t explain it any better

is it really that bad for you?

No but it really Express how i feel

that’s not hell on earth, is it?

Its not heaven either, also i thought you said i should quit smoking? Because i have a payment latter on to pay, a high price for a basic reward, imagine thining this is the best thing in my life, what a sad life, its not even funny anymore

As for describing my pain, i think i already said it above, now since i don’t want you to go back and try to know, i will say it here, its not that i won’t get love, or won’t get what i want, its the idea that i could and wouldn’t, its the idea that its my fault, that’s its my own decision im so miserable, the reason why i like birdman, is that he acknowledge this fact, that “no one will ever love him” that “he don’t exist” that “he wished that he was someone else just to be loved”, though what he did after this realization, is what made me love him, he suicide, it motivates me to care enough to do it

The only difference between me and my friend, is that he cared enough to end his own life, and i just developed apathy, just to see myself became a monster, i remember that when i was a Muslim, i begged god, “please don’t let me be an atheist, take my soul before that happen, please god, i don’t wanna go to hell, i don’t want to be bad”, one thing that he said “its either you die or you just live long enough to humiliate yourself” i guess i chooseed the latter, its everyday, would you let i loved one live like this? That’s why i wanna do it

I have seen this life before, my father, not leaving his room, paranoid, apathetic, not even caring about anything, he was 60 though, im still 20 and im worst then him, by worse i mean at least he worked and had a family, didn’t bother to fit in, you know how he died? i remember his head was on my lap, after he had a heart attack, we had to go to the hospital (there is no number for ambulance) so we went in a taxi, when he was on my lap, he was suffocating, i remember i was very uncomfortable because his head is near me, and i never get that close to him, when we got to the hospital, we rushed in, and he was dead, i had to fake being sad, because i just don’t care about him, im already heading this way, there is no doubt, i have a somekind of a defeating personality, i refuse to live like this, no one accept this life

The thing is, my days are numbered, soon life will be harder, i can lose my father retirement, or if my mother died, and i refuse to accept any less then what im already living, the only fear i got is that i became so apathetic that i don’t care to end it, sometimes i feel like i hate myself too much that i don’t do it, but sooner or later i will do it, the more i live, the more unneccessary suffering, the more i become apathetic and distant from life, tell me the truth, can it be any better then what already is? If so why does it feel like it aren’t worth it?

You always say that there is freewill, but when i look around, see myself becaming  worse then my father with no desire to change, my little sister is even more apathetic compared to me, my big sister has shopping addiction and smoking, my brother has autism, a low functioning autism, and my mother has something i can’t even describe, tell me where is the freewill? Why do i desire self sabotage and sadness? Why do i not wanna change? Im not afraid of death much, but life? It scares me, and at best i don’t even care about life, its not like im missing a lot of things, all the things i enjoy am already doing

I wish i just have what i want, not to be fulfilled, no i don’t even seek that anymore, just to get red of this annoying desire, i won’t satisfy it, never, on my dead body, i just need prove to shut up this mind “can’t stop the bad voices”

I just wish that after death, i have a very short dream where i cry, but this cry somehow heals, feels good, can’t even ask for anything more, everything is too expensive, basic desires requires a massive payment, a high price for little reward, i perfer apathy

This thing, its in me, i have seen it in my father, this pessimism, its like a disease that eat you alive, you cannot get red of it, a very few people that has it, (the auther of American splendor/ phillip Seymour / Charles bukowski) and i won’t call it depression, since that implies its an illness with a cure, what is the cure ? Death.

if someone who is financially capable sends you money

Even if someone somehow agrees to do that, i won’t accept it, i won’t respect myself

I am guessing that the financially capable person (or persons) will need to send your younger sister a ticket too

Can we get back to reality, lol

Your intention with me was to get a bit of attention and affection.

At first yes, but not anymore, if you ask me to stop, i would do it right in this post, that our conversation is one sided

but my attention, affection and love really make no difference in your life,

Though it does lessen the suffering, did knowing me make a difference in your life? Did knowing anyone in your life made that effect? Maybe its just me, but i do appreciate our conversation, i like it, but don’t expect a miracle to happen, the facts didn’t change when i knew you, and i don’t think they will ever change

then the only thing another person can give you that can make a practical difference for you is money.

What do i do with it? Live? Marry?

your intention was never to consider my thoughts and suggestions

I wish it didn’t was this way, i wish i had the mind that i do actually consider your suggestion and thoughts, i value them, though i won’t lie to say that i did consider any, the only thing that i benefited it that when im lonely i talk to you in my head, create imaginary conversations, and that i have proof of someone loves

but now it is … HOT!

Hell on earth, lol

I actually don’t think a lot about climate change, its the least of my problems, since if that happened it would be a worldwide problem, we will have it first ofcourse, the middle east, the funny thing is that USA done 60% of the damage, and we take the consequences, then they come to Iraq to steal oil, Fake the 9/11, the funny thing is that 9/11 is so taboo because people died, they don’t consider the thousands of people that died in iraq because of thier greediness are people, and oh dear thier silly army with thier mental health problems, we must sympathize, im very sure that i have more mental health issues then anyone that went to iraq, and you don’t see me get anything, do i? Big unfunny joke