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How to Forgive Someone When It’s Hard: 30 Tips to Let Go of Anger

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Up until my early twenties, I carried around a lot of anger toward someone in my life. I’d been hurt by a person I trusted, and for a long time in my adolescence I wanted to hurt them back.

I lived in painful stories and in visions of what could have been if I hadn’t been wronged. I blamed someone else for the life I didn’t have, and felt vindicated in the soul-sucking resentment I carried around from day to day.

I realize it makes less compelling writing to talk so generally, but these stories aren’t only mine to tell. They involve someone I love and have since forgiven. So perhaps the kindest thing I can do both for them and me is not retell the story, but instead create a new one: a story about letting go.

It’s a hard thing to do—to completely let go of something painful and forgive the person who may or may not have realized what they did. At my angriest point, I was convinced the person who hurt me did it with full intention and cruelty. I felt not a shred of compassion; just unadulterated pain and rage.

Then I realized, unless someone is a sociopath, they are rarely without feeling. And if they’ve hurt another person, even if their ego prevents them from admitting it, odds are they feel remorse on some level.

No one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.

After all, we’ve all been thoughtless, insensitive, and selfish at times. Usually, we have good intentions.

And for the most part, we all do the best we can from day to day—even when we hurt someone; even when we’re too stubborn, ashamed, or in denial to admit the hurt we’ve caused.

So how do you forgive someone when every fiber of your being resists? How do you look at them lovingly when you still have the memory of their unloving action? How do let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice?

I decided to consult the Tiny Buddha Facebook community to learn how they’ve moved on from anger and resentment.

Readers offered nearly 150 ideas to help forgive someone when it’s hard. The ones that resonated with my most strongly were:

1. I remember them as a child and it’s much easier! -Joy Thompson

2. I remind myself that I forgive not for them but for me and that it’s easier to forgive than to hang on to so much anger, hurt and betrayal. -Sarah Clark

3. I just acknowledge that we are humans, so we are allowed to make mistakes. -Haydee Lizbeth Lopez Cruz

4. Remind yourself that they are not separate from you; they only appear that way. Then you will realize you are one, and it is yourself you are forgiving. -Justin Hayden

5. Do not keep thinking of the past or the bad thing that happened; when you let go of it, you get over the anger/bitterness that you felt and it clears the path of forgiveness! The best thing is time! -Ashna Singh

6. Remember that we are all doing the best we can at the time. -Diane Paul

7. Remind yourself of how much forgiveness would mean to you if it was your turn for a mistake! – Carol Mcbride-Safford

8. Wayne Dwyer describes how hate is love which has been turned around. Seeing the expression of what can’t be forgiven as love makes it easier to forgive. Were also all doing the best we can, according to our own evolutionary state, including those we find hard to forgive. -Lise Heeley

9. Because it takes less energy to love and forgive than it does to stay angry and hold a grudge. It brings peace to your life. -Linda Adams

10. I know that I need to forgive someone, not for their benefit, but for my own peace of mind. Don’t do it for them, do it for you! -Cathryn Kent

11. You remember why you love them. Love is about forgiveness.- Holly Chapman

12. Forgiveness comes easier with the passing of time. I tend to find that, if I am wronged, I forgive the person before they forgive themselves, and when I am in need of forgiveness, it is I who feels the guilt for longer. -Mandy Richardson

13. Stop thinking and just do it. Open your heart and forgive. -Lindsey Windrow

14. Don’t force it. If I don’t feel forgiving, I can at least not act on my anger. Eventually forgiveness will come if you welcome it. -Julie Trottier

15. Just learn to smile and let things go. -Sudharma Lama

16. Give up on all hope of a better past. -Matt Child

17. Every time you think of them send them love. After a while it gets easy. -Crystal Chang

18. Meditate, meditate and meditate some more until it’s gone! -Margot Knight-Guijt

19. The harder it is to forgive someone else, the more I am responsible. When I understand and forgive myself, forgiving others is easy. -Pamela Picard

20. Two different approaches. One involves restoring your boundaries and sense of protection first. The other involves focusing on what your body is feeling and stop dwelling on the offense. Both involve being present. -Chris Campa

21. Forgiveness comes easy when you know that what people say or do is about them, it’s not about you. -Kim Kings

22. Shift the focus, feel the pain and think of the thousands of others in the world who are also feeling the same pain, then send a loving-kindness message to everyone to be relieved of this suffering. -Nick Ong

23. When it happens I often ask myself “What strengths must I develop further from this?” Often the feeling of resentment just goes away, slowly but surely, because I wasn’t focusing on the person that wronged me, but the lesson that the event was trying to tell me. -Natassia Callista Alicia

24. I allow myself to feel again whatever I didn’t express “in the moment” when I was with them. Forgiveness always seem to follow those (usually) difficult emotions. -Cynthia Ruprecht Hunt

25. Write a brutally honest, emotionally raw letter telling them how much they have hurt and angered you, then tear it up and burn it. As you watch the smoke rise, think about the fact that you are not that hurt and that anger. It is fleeting, just like everything else. As the smoke carrying your hurt and disappointment disappears into the air, you can let it go. -Renate Wuersig

26. For some wrongs, I just have to remember that they are responsible for their actions and then it is easier for me to just let it be. -Karen Garland

27. By remembering that it will free me from the burden of the stress I feel, also, if I can’t forgive then how can I expect to ever be forgiven? -Leslie Brown

28. Just look to the future instead of focusing on what’s past…think of creating new good memories to wipe away old bad ones. -Elizabeth Lindsay

29. It becomes easy when you remember a time when you were forgiven, centering on how it made you feel. -Louisya Graves

30. Understand this: whether you like it or not, over time, you will stop feeling the pain, so why hold on to something that’s going to away anyway? -Nirav KAKU

How did I forgive when it was hard? I came to this realization: No one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” They generally say one of three things: “I’m sorry,” “I forgive you,” or “I love you.”

After taking space to heal myself, I decided to cut out the middle man of time. I now set boundaries to take better care of me, but I’ll never regret that I’ve forgiven.

Photo by miss.libertine

Avatar of Lori Deschene

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She is the author of the Tiny Wisdom eBook series (which includes one free eBook) and Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself. She's also the co-founder of the eCourse Recreate Your Life Story: Change the Script and Be the HeroFollow @tinybuddha for inspiring posts and wisdom quotes.

Announcement: Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love with the Tiny Buddha course!
  • Trystan Knight

    As many others have said, forgiving others is something we need to do for our own health, not the other person’s. I once heard it said that holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Most people would agree that expectation is sort of silly. At the end of the day, our Anger and hatred is poison to OUR soul, not theirs.

  • Philippa

    I loved this post and love Tiny Buddha. Wish you posted more frequently ♥

  • Ajay

    I fully agree that in fact i am really releasing the prisoner that is me, but how do I get over the fear that it may happen again??

  • Josh

    As soon as I read this, I immediately thought of the following letter, as found on http://viewonbuddhism.org/anger.html

    What forgiveness is

    “Forgiveness is a form of realism. It doesn’t deny, minimize, or justify what others have done to us or the pain that we have suffered. It encourages us to look squarely at those old wounds and see them for what they are. And it allows us to see how much energy we have wasted and how much we have damaged ourselves by not forgiving.

    Forgiveness is an internal process. It can’t be forced, and it doesn’t come easy. It brings with it great feelings of wellness and freedom. But we experience this only when we want to heal and when we are willing to work for it.

    Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem. We no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices. We are no longer victims. We claim the right to stop hurting when we say, “I’m tired of the pain, and I want to be healed.” At that moment, forgiveness becomes a possibility-although it may take time and much hard work before we finally achieve it.

    Forgiveness is letting go of the past. It doesn’t erase what happened, but it does allow us to lessen and perhaps even eliminate the pain of the past. The pain from our past no longer dictates how we live in the present, and it no longer determines our future.

    It also means that we no longer need resentment and anger as an excuse for our shortcomings. We don’t need them as a weapon to punish others nor as a shield to protect ourselves by keeping others away. And most importantly, we don’t need these feelings to identify who we are. We become more than merely victims of our past.

    Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish those who hurt us. It is understanding that the anger and hatred that we feel toward them hurts us far more than it hurts them. It is seeing how we hide ourselves in our anger and how those feelings prevent us from healing. It is discovering the inner peace that becomes ours when we let go of the past and forget vengeance.

    Forgiveness is moving on. It is recognizing all that we have lost because of our refusal to forgive. It is realizing that the energy that we spend hanging on to the past is better spent on improving our present and our future. It is letting go of the past so that we can move on.

    We all have been hurt. And at one time or another most of us have made the mistake of trying to run away from the past. The problem is that no matter how fast or how far we run, the past always catches up to us-and usually at the most inopportune time. When we forgive, we are dealing with the past in such a way that we no longer have to run.

    For me, learning how to forgive wasn’t easy. But I did learn, and my life is better for it – even here on death row.”

    Michael B. Ross
    Death Row
    Somers, Connecticut

  • John Phillips

    …Very, very cool stuff…..

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose AlannahRose

    You have the same name as my beloved nana, who passed away in 2005. You even spell it the same way! It made me smile to see that name here. :)

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose AlannahRose

    I have a very complicated story involving a person I can’t forgive. I don’t actively think of her but it’s there in the very back of my mind and pops up every once in a while. I tell myself all the usual things… life’s too short, it’s only hurting me not to forgive etc. etc. But she is mentally ill (and that part is complicated too… she’s well enough to be manipulative enough to use that to her advantage and prey on people) and honestly, she’s not remorseful at all about what she’s done. In fact, she’s nearly oblivious. That’s the sticking point for me. I know that forgiveness shouldn’t be conditional, but I am just not to the point where I can find it in my heart to feel love for her. I am able to feel some compassion but I can’t get past the hump to turn that into forgiveness. I hope someday that will come, but it’s been a long road even to this point! At least I no longer feel anger, bitterness or wish she’d “get hers” as I once did… I know I have made progress there.

  • mariett rowan

    its better to forgive than to stay anger cause the blessing will come with after

  • Ann Pettus

    Lots of beautiful, helpful, thoughtful stuff above, thank you everyone. May I add another perspective, that came to me as a sort of mini-realization just now? I saw/felt how indulging in thought/worry about “how do I forgive this person” is energy equivalent to “I blame this person.” It’s just dressed in nicer clothes. Letting THAT obsession go as well as the socially unacceptable one of anger, maybe that’s a way of remembering the fact of impermanence (in THIS second, every second), which automatically provides lightness, presence, and inherent rather than manufactured forgiveness.

  • Ann Pettus

    Lots of beautiful, helpful, thoughtful stuff above, thank you everyone. May I add another perspective, that came to me as a sort of mini-realization just now? I saw/felt how indulging in thought/worry about “how do I forgive this person” is energy equivalent to “I blame this person.” It’s just dressed in nicer clothes. Letting THAT obsession go as well as the socially unacceptable one of anger, maybe that’s a way of remembering the fact of impermanence (in THIS second, every second), which automatically provides lightness, presence, and inherent rather than manufactured forgiveness.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Trystan,

    That’s a wonderful analogy. Letting go of anger is one of the most loving things we can do for ourselves. Thank you for commenting!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Alannah,

    I can relate to your story in a big way, and it definitely sounds like you’re making good progress! If you feel compassion, you’ll get there when you’re ready. It sounds like you want to, and that’s a great start.

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Josh,

    Thanks for posting this. So many wonderful insights in there. This part really resonated with me: “Forgiveness is a sign of positive self-esteem. We no longer identify ourselves by our past injuries and injustices. We are no longer victims.” So true!

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    What a fabulous insight! Thank you for sharing, Ann.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Ajay,

    I wish I had a good answer for you. The truth is we can never be sure. We can just follow our instincts, set boundaries, and then do our to best to enforce them. Some of my fears have been confirmed, but it’s been worth letting them go, when I’ve been able, to live without the burden of fears.

    I hope this helps.

    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Philippa,

    Thank you for reading! I am actually writing my book now, but once I finish, I may start posting more frequently. I’m so glad you enjoy Tiny Buddha!

    Lori

  • ks

    Ajay – I deal with that very issue. Read #20 “One involves restoring your boundaries and sense of protection first. The other involves focusing on what your body is feeling and stop dwelling on the offense. Both involve being present.” Let your self esteem and love for yourself help you to restore your boundaries-people can’t hurt you if you don’t let them – and surround yourself with the ones that love you and the love you have for yourself – that’s your protective barrier. “What people say or do is about them, it’s not about you.”

  • http://twitter.com/rits_112 Ritesh Kumar

    Holding onto anger is like grasping onto a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else. You are the one who gets burned. – Buddha

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  • Sunshine

    I have been struggling with forgiveness for many years and I am finally at a point where the anger from it is destroying my being. It was so nice to read what you posted and I will print this and read it when I am feeling lost. You are right when you say forgiveness is not easy but it’s wonderful you have found it. Take Care

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  • Ashna Singh

    I have experienced that until it hurts, it is hard to forgive….but as the pain subsides with time, forgiving becomes natural and easy! (Hopefully).

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know what you mean. It’s such a cliche but true; time really does heal all wounds. Everything gets easier as days and months pass by!

  • lyly

    I have just discovered tiny buddha…its wonderful. After reading those inspiring words my hurt, lonely and broken heart feels better.
    Thank you Tiny buddha

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Welcome to Tiny Buddha. =) I’m so glad to know this post resonated with you. I can relate to that hurt, lonely, broken heart feeling. What’s helped me is to remember that while it might not always seem like it in the moment, things always get better and easier with time.

    Wishing you a healthy, happy New Year!
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/feonixrift feonixrift

    I held onto anger out of fear, afraid that if I didn’t I’d get sucked into old hurtful patterns by love blinding me to the self harm those caused. I couldn’t let go of the anger until I trusted myself – to be mindful, to not give in to fear, to not let love blind me, to act with a whole heart. When I trusted myself, the anger was gone, and I could trust myself to interact with them without collapsing or lashing out.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Thank you for sharing this in a comment. It sounds like you took your power back, and that’s awesome. What a wonderful lesson!

  • Carolene

    the post is great. it helps a lot.. really useful. thanks carol

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome–I’m glad this helped!

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  • BuddingTinyBodhisattva

    For me forgiveness is relatively easy when you love yourself; flaws and all. It’s just that the actions of others or circumstances strike a nerve that is connected to a deeply rooted hurt. This hurt usually can be described as “Not worthy/worthless”, “Not good enough” or some other illusion of “Not right” we mistake for reality about ourselves. Confronting this hurt, immersing myself in it, processing it, then eventually accepting it as something that is not really “me” makes it easier for me to let go and subsequently let love in (this take time, effort, and strength). This love is primarily a love of self that is shared, by its own necessity, with sincere compassion for others. When you no longer have the pain associated with the infraction(s) or seemingly damaging circumstance(s) incurred by some “other” and instead are filled with love, forgiveness (as a form of letting go) is as easly as blowing daffodil seeds off the stem.

  • OldBoy83

    Thats great to hear all of you have found it in your heart to forgive, but honestly i havent and i dont want to. I know that goes against everything all of you have said, but i knida fell like my unwillingness to forgive is the only thing thats gonna keep my from getting hurt again. I guess it started 4 months ago when i was haivng a converstation with one of my closest friends at that time about my depression(clinical). Then before i know it i was being told by her in an angry voice I should stop complaining and just kill myself, which she was aware that i had already tried twice when i was younger.
    After about a month of not really speaking to her even if we were in the same room I just keep my mouth shut and focused my attention on anything but her, we finally discussed what happened. She said she was sorry, and that it wouldnt happen again. Sorry to say but her apology did nothing to ease my pain. Ive had people in the past screw me then apologize then do all over again, like some kinda sick game.
    Im to old for games so when she said sorry i didnt want to accept it. It felt like she ment what she said and that she had felt that way for some time. The apology seemed redundant, why apologize for your true feelings. We’ve started hanging out again since that incident, and she thought everything was fine and all is forgiven but Ive noticed when im around her now my guard is almost always up and i still refuse to open up to her emotionally like i used to at all. She’s noticed this some and feels like im holding this over her head. But thats not the case i just dont want to get hurt again. I know you all say forgiveness is better than not, but what if i forgive her and it happens all over again. She’s a sweet girl but has plenty of friends, and a husband who loves her unconditonally. You ask me, my existence in her life is completely irrelevant, even though she says thats not true. All this drama aside I just want an opinion from someone who has an idea of what im going through. I do still care for this person, but Im afraid to put my trust in her again. To make it more odd, i dont think she ever stop trusting me though. Im so confused guys, what do i do?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I will do my best to help. I have found that sometimes the easiest way to forgive someone is to create situation where they can no longer hurt you. Forgiving her does not have to mean letting her back into your life–it just means you release your resentment and then take better care of yourself going forward. It’s a lot easier to let go of hurt from yesterday when you know it most likely won’t lead to hurt tomorrow.

    It sounds to me that you’d prefer not to have her in your life anymore but you think you need to stay angry and hurt to create that protection for yourself. You don’t. You can just as easily make a choice and set a boundary from a place of strength and peace. Of course this is just what I’ve learned from my experiences. It was a lot easier for me to forgive people who hurt my terribly after I made the conscious choice to change those relationships.

    I hope this helps. You are in my thoughts!
    Lori

  • OLDBOY83

    Thank you very much for responding so fast, didnt think anyone would read this anytime soon. I understand about not letting her back into my life, but still forgiving and making the conscious choice to change relationships. I didnt think about it in the last post, but her husband is also my other best friend and weve never had any problems as long as Ive known him. Which is about as long as Ive known her. So to end my faulty friendship with her is to end my perfectly balanced friendship with him right?

    How do i alter relationships and set bounderies without hurting someone who had nothing to do with any of this, Im not big on hurting the innocent. Its not really about not wanting her in my life either, but more about just not wanting to open up to her emotionally again which was a big factor in our friendship. I dont mind being around her anymore, but its more like Im in her life rather than shes in mine or were in each others, cause I dont let her close enough to really consider her in my life at this point.

    Theres so many variables in the equation of life, it makes everything seem so complicated. By the way this all has been very helpful and informative. Before I found this blog I had been holding all of this in for months with no one to talk to. Since she was the one I really talked to about everything I mean. But its felt good just getting this off my chest you know.

    Thanx 4 ur help and ur thoughts
    OldBoy

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad to have helped somewhat. I don’t really have an answer for your question about setting boundaries, though I can say this: I have learned that we are not responsible for other people’s feelings. If taking care of you means you need to see him less, then in the end, that’s probably the best thing to do. If it ends up being a good thing for his wife, as well, I’m sure he would understand.

    Wishing you well,
    Lori

  • Robbie S. Ward

    What a great blog entry. We can choose bitterness or forgiveness. The decision we make affects us more than anyone else.

  • Kate

    I understand how all of these suggestions can help, however it doesn’t make me resent the person who wronged me any less. It is hard for me to give the gift of forgiveness to someone who stole my trust. What happens when you still feel like justice is nowhere in sight and sorry is not good enough? a slave to anger if you will…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Kate,

    It’s a little tough to respond because I don’t know your situation. But I know firsthand how difficult it can be to let go of bitterness. One thing that helped me was to create space between myself and the person who hurt me. It took me a long time to fully forgive, and I couldn’t do it without time and space.

    Now that we aren’t in the same situation, and I feel proud of how I’ve fully taken care of my needs–and as a result of me taking care of myself, this person responds to me much more respectfully–it feels much easier. It’s been so long since it happened, and things have improved so much since then, that forgiveness feels easy.

    I don’t know if this is helpful, but I hope it is somewhat!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_2W5WGXCJVTDO6S5UMOTQNQADGA Linda

    Hi ….your response hit a cord with me. The person I cannot forgive was described by you. The woman has been married 5 times (twice to one man),, has one illegitimate gay daughter, and is on anti depressants. She has red hair, a chin lift, a huge boob job, eye lift, fake eye lashes and red hair. The part where she is not remorseful (oh she says she is to others but not to me). the part where you said she is “well enough to be manipulative ” struck a cord. she has so many people fooled because she is beautiful. She fooled me once but not any more. I almost feel like I am the crazy one by things she has said to me….and to no one else. I look like the bad guy if I say anything.

  • Linda

    I agree….even though forgiving sometimes connotes reconciliation, it doesn’t have to. I liked the analogy of we are the ones to get hurt (burned( if we pick up a hot coal to throw at the one who angers us.

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  • escura

    I grew up with an extremely negative, critical, temperamental and quick-tempered father, who only showed his true colours to his immediate family. I wasn’t close to him and there were times I hated him and just wished he would leave the family, rather than cause us so much misery.

    For years, I never spoke of my bitterness to anyone, letting it fester inside me. When I was old enough to realize that his behavior had had an impact on my self-esteem and self-image, I blamed him for it. I tried many times to forgive him, and I thought I had, but I could feel my anger and resentment surging whenever another of his outbursts or tantrums occurred, of which, by then, it was my mother usually bearing the brunt.

    There came a point when I realized (a) how miserable I was going home to such a toxic and negative environment, and (b) that I was slowly but gradually turning to be like him.

    I had to change.

    I decided to move overseas for a while to get away from all the negativity. Rather than pretend this area of my life never existed, I tried to be honest with myself and to acknowledge it, even sharing with a few friends and anonymously online. I tried to see my father’s positive aspects and rationalize his behavior: perhaps he himself was an unknowing victim of his parents’ negativity? Perhaps he had a mild form of Asperger’s?

    I thought I had gotten better over time and had finally let go. But when I met him recently, again the anger resurfaced. He kept on asking why I was running away from reality and when I would go home. I tried to be honest with him and told him that my reality had been miserable (I think I was hoping to issue the ultimatum – “I’ll come back when the environment’s not so negative”), after which he refused to listen, swerving away into a monologue. And then of course, there were his outbursts and lashes towards my mother, which just got me indignant and upset. 

    I ended up physically distancing myself from him for most of that period, while feeling guilty about it, and hating myself for being so harsh and unforgiving. I really want to be free from this emotional baggage, but it seems there’s just such a long way to go.

    There also has to come a time when I go back home. Apart from the drastic move of getting my own place, how can I respond – with respect and kindness, while protecting my own need for positivity – when he’s in one of his frequent negative outbursts?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with your father. It sounds like you made a smart, brave decision in distancing yourself from him. It’s such a tough choice to make, but sometimes it’s the best thing we can do when someone is negative and volatile like that. I have a post that may help you when he’s having a negative outburst:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-negative-people-or-difficult-people/

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • Jmr

    Alannah,

          I was once in a bad relationship with a girl who was exactly like that.  It has been a long hard road but I have learned that I can chose to forgive her and still never have anything to do with her again.   She has malipulated everyone who has ever got close to her and hurt them in a bad way.   I have never been hurt so bad by someone.   But I learned that the bitterness and anger that I chose to hang on to only hurt me worse!  (not her)  
    Its like I heard in a church sermon today……if a girl is in a bad relationship with a guy who phyisacally harms or hits her….she can chose to forgive him…..(but do it from a safe distance!)   the same with someone who is mentaly ill.  The words people can say hurt worse than being hurt or having physical harm done to ones body…!!!
    It’s OK to forgive from a safe distance and not have anything to do with that person in some situations.

    for what it’s worth I hope that may be of some help to you. 

  • ProD

    Im sorry but they are all wrong …There is a reason why in our nature “out chemistry” * * we are self centered , atomic , and ego pathic…thats why theres so much pain the world.
    You cant really forgive someone …the irony is that you should forget about bullshit and focus in all thouse things you care because “bullshit” are not productive and when someones treating us bad we want to prove our self – and thats how ppl usually make it to the top..The only good think is that the one who did you bad will have to carry the gilt and the pain in his unconscious and that wil cost him a lot ..Im sorry about the evil in this world i have been a part of it but i was only a child …now to c a grown man working deliberatly on someone can torn me apart..
    “Im not better than you and you r not better than me lets stop this silly charade ,you are what you always gonna be… your not better than me”…
    Rise up that idiot
    If you can stay possitive ,well done
    The idea is to be productive ..i pitty the one who will try to take that away from you.

    Theres a game between conscious and unconscious and if you heart someone bad you will get about the same damage back…it works like an energy ..you know the rest…

    **The  scientific explanation for the human behavior is our nature…it has to do with the Chrommosome composition we possess 44+2… that is what makes us so atomic disharmonic and ego centered …Long story short there are 3 different types of human being and the 99,999 999% of ppl in earth belong to the same level .An earlier level of 42+2  belongs to natives in Australia and probably some African tribes left and they work about the opposite way we do …trust me your not one of them.

    I hope iv been some help cause i write this mesage for about an hour now

    **The scientifical explanation about our nature has to do Cromosome composition

  • proD

    In business when you try to promote something sometimes  you have to to deal with a total  negative costumer .. So the management has developed some techniques  to help thier own dealers work on how to  reply in such denials and convert their way of thinking…truth is sometimes they do it for a bad produc or some bad service but thats not the point…
     
     This is probably one of the most advanced way to deal with the toughest richest  businessmem.
     Im gonna have to put one  whole technique down.

                 Call him ask him for a meetting - ask which day (today / tomorrow) he wants if he sais tomorrow  give him to chose between morning / afternoon –thank him …good day 

                  Meeting
                  Smile act nice / Keep your voice cotrol nice and smouth so you sound pleasant
                  0 Relax  ( talk things he like his hobbies anything 5-10 min) let him to 2/3 of talking!!

          Intentions statment    
    Ty for being here ,im glad to c u  …i want you to know that / the truth is that i want  you to be my “client” and finally get things sorted…would you have a problem with that ?…(always ask him)
            Im here so we can discuss together  ways and see if thats possible.
        

    Research of needs
      Put your main offers down i got 1,2,3,4
                   
                 Ask him which one he wants to buy from you …your gonna have to compromise you cant sell everything at list now all at ones.
                And he chose x
    So from what we talk about you think that x is the most important…
                -why
                -so is it important for you
                -what would happent if u dont have it
                -what do u mean bad
                -and what would happent
    ((c this way he is telling you and giving u reasons for things u want that he wouldnt be able to take back… its in human nature))   
     
               Close up the deal
     
    –So if we work like this at this situation   …you would be interesting right?

    –And if i do this …..and guarantee you that this problem will be solved and u wont have to worry about it ever again would you have a problem to start asap?

    (You just taking commitment)

    Thank him be nice arange for another meeting next 1,2  days  shake  go home….

    At any point you might have to deal with denials …usually when they chanche completely their mind or they want to avoid things ..

    .& So at any Denial

     1 : Agree with him no matter what..
    2. show understanding on his beliefs and ideas
    3.Keep your voice cotrol nice and smouth so you sound pleasant
    4.remind him the benefits and all the thinks he find interesting

    Close up the deal again!

    next one two days you call for 2nd meeting to collect the “cash”his word..and you will remind the closing steps.

    if again denial again  .&

    C if there s no $1,000,000  involved this technique will work 100%

    ok ?
    we talk later keep it up..

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Z5OAN2ZIEIWRW7HL2SHQINEM4E Christy

    I liked your post because it hit home for me. I’m obviously here reading all of these posts because I’m having an issue with forgiveness.  I’ve been the woman in an abusive relationship, I’ve had the courage and strength to leave and get away.  I’ve had the power to forgive and forget “from a distance” but now almost 10 years later….  I’ve never in my life struggled with forgiveness the way I am right now.  I’ve said it a million times…”It takes twice as much energy to hold onto hate then it does to simply forgive someone who hurts us.”  But to forgive someone from a safe distance is so hard when you have to face that person on a daily basis. It’s like I have no room to heal.  No room to forgive and forget when it’s pushed in my face.  This is a tough one for me. LOL the queen of forgive and forget.  I guess it’s not as easy as I thought.  The truth of the matter is there are sociopaths out there.  There are people who don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.  It is beyond my comprehension that there are people out there without a conscience. All we can do is accept the fact that we can’t heal those who are mentally ill.  But we can do our best to move on in a positive light, not letting who they are on the inside reflect onto who we are as individuals.  We have to continue to forgive for our own wellbeing and pray they will someday acquire peace within themselves.  The peace they are so desperately lacking.  I guess what I’m trying to say is they really can’t help how damaged they are.  We have to continue to be true to ourselves and to others.  We are a dying breed.  If Jesus were alive today on the earth he would urge us to feel bad for them, to be moved with pity.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Z5OAN2ZIEIWRW7HL2SHQINEM4E Christy

    I liked your post because it hit home for me. I’m obviously here reading all of these posts because I’m having an issue with forgiveness.  I’ve been the woman in an abusive relationship, I’ve had the courage and strength to leave and get away.  I’ve had the power to forgive and forget “from a distance” but now almost 10 years later….  I’ve never in my life struggled with forgiveness the way I am right now.  I’ve said it a million times…”It takes twice as much energy to hold onto hate then it does to simply forgive someone who hurts us.”  But to forgive someone from a safe distance is so hard when you have to face that person on a daily basis. It’s like I have no room to heal.  No room to forgive and forget when it’s pushed in my face.  This is a tough one for me. LOL the queen of forgive and forget.  I guess it’s not as easy as I thought.  The truth of the matter is there are sociopaths out there.  There are people who don’t care who they hurt as long as they get what they want.  It is beyond my comprehension that there are people out there without a conscience. All we can do is accept the fact that we can’t heal those who are mentally ill.  But we can do our best to move on in a positive light, not letting who they are on the inside reflect onto who we are as individuals.  We have to continue to forgive for our own wellbeing and pray they will someday acquire peace within themselves.  The peace they are so desperately lacking.  I guess what I’m trying to say is they really can’t help how damaged they are.  We have to continue to be true to ourselves and to others.  We are a dying breed.  If Jesus were alive today on the earth he would urge us to feel bad for them, to be moved with pity.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_Z5OAN2ZIEIWRW7HL2SHQINEM4E Christy

    I have never heard of this scientific explanation.  Your reply is different than most.  Please tell us more of your ideas.  I find it interesting. 

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  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Lang/1174363424 Susan Lang

    I am trying to let go of anger and forgive my ex boss. She was horribly abusive-bipolar-narcissistic. I really opened up to E and she treated me like trash. I am unemployed now- after she fired me. It was ugly. Some days I feel better than others. People say that what goes around comes around, you reap what you sow but I don’t know. To make matters worse I live in a small city and I was walking to my car after doing some shopping at a thrift store and there E was driving down the parking lane in her Jag. I don’t know if she saw me but I saw her. I have good people in my life and try to focus on that but sometimes I feel like I am struggling so much and she is going on about her life happy as could be after doing so much damage to me.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Susan,

    I’m so sorry to hear you lost your job, especially after dealing with such a difficult work situation. One thing that has helped me to forgive in the past is to realize that things aren’t always what they seem.

    So this may seem like a horrible person victimizing a good person, and being rewarded by life regardless. But if your boss is a bipolar narcissist, it’s likely she is actually in a lot of pain mentally. Healthy-minded people don’t treat people as poorly as she treated you. There’s probably a lot under the surface that you would never imagine is there. In fact, she probably deals with a lot more pain than this difficult situation is causing you, because it’s not circumstantial–it’s deep-rooted. Jaguar or not, she’s struggling. You just can’t see it.

    Now I’m not saying this to suggest that you should feel good about the fact that she’s hurting. I’m saying this because it may help you to forgive her. It’s highly likely that she lacks some very important coping skills that you possess. You will get through this difficult time. Everything is cyclical. Hopefully she will get some help for her bipolar disorder (or if it’s not an actual mental illness, whatever issues cause her to be like she is). Until she does, she will not only treat poorly, she will suffer inside. Happy people aren’t abusive. The two just don’t go hand in hand.

    I hope this helps a little.

    Lori

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Lang/1174363424 Susan Lang

    Hi Lori,
    There is a lot of wisdom in what you said. I do find moments where I do feel forgiveness toward E but also moments were I do feel a lot of anger and hurt and also grief. I think how can she forget about me like I was nothing?

    Last night, I left a voice mail message on her office phone. I expressed myself in an honest respectful way about how she treated me, addressed some other things, but I also said some good things too about how much I cared for her. It felt like a relief to get that off my chest. I am not expecting that E will reply back to me in any way. I imagine as soon as she hears my voice E will delete the message or listen to it but not respond. I know that we cannot control other people but I do feel better that I did this.

    I live in the state with the highest unemployment in the country. I am applying for jobs and it is not easy right now. It is a shame that someone who could have been so good for me turned out to be like this.

    Susie

  • Shelley Stockwell

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    FORGIVENESS

    By Shelley Stockwell-Nicholas, PhD

    An attitude… an attribute… a
    positive/neutral clearing…

    that
    says, “good-bye regret and never-ending swearing.”

    For
    some it ends self-punishment…

    for
    others it’s hopeless crap

    allowing
    the unforgivable to keep you in a trap.

    The
    best one to forgive is YOU

    then
    keep your boundaries straight

    Add
    loving feeling towards yourself

    As
    the person you celebrate.

    Then
    own YOU as the one YOU treasure

    And your heart will fill with love and pleasure.

  • Jackie Clarke

    My husband died in an auto accident after going out with his friends. Three to be exact. Two were asleep in the back and one was supposedly in the passenger seat. I do know the friend up front was to have been seen fighting mad my husband was going to drive the friends truck. No way could my husbands friend drive. We don’t know if my husband pulled over and let him drive being he was fighting my husband or he caused my husband to wreck in the curb. Although the friend had what would be considered steering wheel injuries. This friend has never been here for me and my daughter and son. We knew something wasn’t right, right away. You know guilty people act different then normal grieving people. He has recently cried to my daughter and told her he had something he wanted to tell her. Something he has regretted. He asked her to come by and he would talk to her. I don’t think she is quite ready to hear the truth and is afraid of her reaction. I mean what do you say to this? It has been three years and we have let it known what we suspected and this is the first time we know he caused it for sure. Just don’t know how. He let everyone that doesn’t know what we thought believe my husband caused his own death. Sometimes I think he should be legally punished and other times I know he didn’t want this to happen but his actions caused it. I have begun the forgiveness process but sometimes it is hard. They were close or at least I thought so. He would get manslaughter and a DWI and i’m sure something for not telling the police. I am really confused. Sometimes I feel  disloyal by not bringing him to justice if I can prove it, only if he confesses or would my husband want that? He has a wife and two little ones that I would hate to see suffer. Even though I am sure his wife knows. You can tell by the way she acts. I am close to the children and so is my daughter. I know it’s hard to process it all and to forgive. Any thoughts on my situation?

  • Anonymous

    HI Jackie,

    My sincere condolences for your loss. My heart really goes out to you. After reading your story, I am somewhat at a loss for words. I don’t know that I can really advise you on this because it’s such a complex situation. I can understand why you’d be unsure what to do, and struggling with forgiveness, considering you don’t yet know exactly what happened, and you’re not really sure you want to know. Are you working with a therapist? If you aren’t already, I think it would help tremendously to speak with a professional so that you have a safe place to explore your feelings and options. You are in my thoughts.

    Much love,
    Lori

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  • sexytamar

    i was physically and mentally abused by my ex,i still see t fit to avenge me as i really cant forgive him. sometimes i blame me for causing pain upon my self. sometimes when i see him i die inside, i regret the day i was born all because of this monster. how can u go on living knwing that u whipped a woman causing her to loose your child and still walk around smiling like nothing happened. how can i for give him, i really cant.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I am so sorry to learn about what you went through. I can’t imagine the pain you experienced, both through the abuse and your loss. Have you considering seeing a therapist to work through your feelings? Anyone in your shoes would be struggling; it might really help to consult a professional who can help you deal with it all. Much love to you…Lori

  • Rothfan71

    I am stuck in not being able to forgive someone who has robbed me of my trust, self esteem and future. This person would be my abusive husband. I was with him for many years before marrying him. I guess I jjust got used to the mistreatment. We have two children. WE have been seperated for 11 years due to abuse in the relationship. He has now moved on and had 3 more children. I have always wanted more children and although I know having more with him would never have been healthy, I can’t help but feel resentfult towards him. I just want to grasp this concept of forgiveness becasue quite frankly I am at the end of my rope and need to forgive him, but I don’t feel like I can do it after all he has put me through. How can I forgive and not think about all the wrondoings he continues to do to me today-court dates, children, etc? Please help….

  • Rothfan71

    time heals but it has been over 10 years-where do I begin- i feel paralyzed with bitterness and anger…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about your abusive ex-husband. It’s never easy to forgive someone who has caused us great pain. It’s even harder when someone continues to behave badly. I haven’t been in your shoes, so I can’t offer advice from personal experience. However, I can say that I suspect a lot of this comes down to acceptance–accepting that he is not remorseful, that he is not making things easy on you now, and that you can either feel bitter about that or try, one moment at a time, to set yourself free. I think practicing mindfulness will help a great deal. While you may inevitably feel angry when you interact with him, he no longer has a grip on your life. And he can’t hold you back in any way. Your future is entirely in your hands, and you can shape it as you want if you hold onto your power instead of giving it to him. Perhaps it will help to create a mantra that you repeat when you start feeling angry or resentful, something like “I won’t let you hurt me anymore. Right now, I am free.” Jaycee Duggard said something similar about the man who abducted her and violated her repeatedly over 18 years–that he doesn’t get even one more moment of her life. I highly recommend reading her story if you’re looking for strength and inspiration!

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  • PROD

    Hi Christy its a little hard  to explain my  perspective on  this matter   to a woman cause  females are rather 2 much emotional and use their feeling like a 6th sence -i believe that you rather  try to study me …but nontheless The  Chrommosome composition simply is the  DNA that scientists resolved not that long ago…but the  dna synthesis changes every now and then thats how animals change sapes and ppl develope – live longer etc.Drunvalo Melchizadek who studies the phychological impact of these changes sais …”We are a disarmonic level of conciousness that is used as a steppingstone from the 42+ 2 lvl to the next lvl ,46+2 “theses two additional chromosomes change everything “…remarkable here is that he finds a great deal of behaivoral defferences between the 42+2 lvl and our lvl 44+2.” he sais ..”to them (the 42+2 lvl) there is only one energy ,one life,one beingness that moves everywhere.- they dont see anything outsidethemselves as being separate from themselves”.
    Thats the main idea
    Now by calling your ex friend sociopath  phyco and praying that he will find peace it simply reflects your personal state of mind which is pretty much alike and not that different …
    I mean if that troubles you so much why dont u just ask him unless you are that much better…c
    Hello from Greece and pardon my english if it doesnt make sence …
     
     

  • Quezzyjones76

    Thanks for making this. Going thru deep treads of mud and it’s hard for me to get through. After reading these quotes and ideas I’m more at ease and making a change to forgive. I thank you once again.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome. I’m glad this helped!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000180900780 Danilo Llanto

    very good advices… can i add this- try to avoid or dissociated persons who had failed in life; they have more likely to hurt you. even be blamed  you for their meceries and misfortunesthey are in . the best way is to avoid  contact. peace.

  • Sam

    1 -30…pick one that speaks to you. those are some powerful words.  i think i will try #25. thanks for the insight into a powerful and imprisoning emotion!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome! 

  • Sndywoon

    Whether you want to forgive or forget, is up to you to decided. If you want your life to be more happy, then should try to do it. Always believe that you can.

  • luckielu

    I really liked these thoughts, they helped me!  Especially #21 that it’s about them…not about me!  I forgive JA and DL for all the pain they both caused me.  However, I don’t wish them bad, I don’t wish them well…I just don’t with them anything right now.  One step at a time!

  • Luckielu

    sorry that should have read…I just don’t wish them anything right now.  

  • Luckielu

    you could have been writing about the same person in my life during my 20 year marriage.  as i said in my posting i have forgiven her but at this point i don’t wish her bad, i don’t wish her well, i just don’t with anything for her.  that’s where i am, i don’t have to love her, she’s not in my life any more, it was one big sigh of relief to be rid of the anger that surrounds her.  that’s where it has to stay for right now.  

  • Dizzy 72

    Thank you.
    It hasn’t quite made me forgive the person who hurt me but it has certainly set me on the path towards it. Hate is such a strong word. I don’t believe that anyone can actually hate somebody unless they’re a murderer or a rapist.
    I don’t hate this person anymore. I just dislike them.
    You can withdraw your forgiveness, always.
    I know I have before. I may do so again.
    Maybe one day, we will finally reach forgetting but until then, we must be content with forgiveness.
    Laura H. Johnstone

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome, Laura. I have learned that hate is a poison, and there’s nothing more draining than carrying it around. Sending you love and light. =)
    Lori

  • Guest

    Thanks for the post. Someone completely destroyed me emotionally, hitting every core and breaking every limit of mine with their words.  I can’t get over it. It makes me cry and so much time has passed but the pain is so real and as strong as if it JUST happened. God help me because I want to move on. my life has been shattered all this while. I never found the strength to completely pick myself back up.  feel like as if everything has just gone downhill from that moment. Changed me so much. I just want to be able to look myself in the eye and smile again. Pray for me? Thank you…

  • Ammara

    Hey Jackie,
    Maybe you can write a letter on how you feel to that person. First just write down everything, everything you have heard, suspect, and what you know is fact, and how you feel. Maybe then if you want, you can mail it to this person keeping privacy. I think it’s about time you all got to heal…:) my prayers to you and your family…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You are most welcome, and you are in my thoughts. Is there anything I can do to help?

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Sammi

    I have been trying to forgive someone, but I can’t seem to do it. I know and agree with the idea that I need to forgive myself first. I am not angry about breaking up with an ex (best thing I could have done for myself), but my inability to forgive is more rooted in anger:  my anger towards him and because he thinks what he did was okay.  I don’t hate him by any means he does not deserve any more of my effort and energy. I just want to hear him say he is sorry which won’t happen. I tried to rationalize his behavior (good and bad in context) in hopes it would make it easier on me.  Some days are better than others and I am always out staying busy and meeting new people, but I can’t get past it. 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know it sounds cliche to say “everything gets better with time,” but it’s generally true. You wrote that you can’t get past it. I would say to add “yet” to the end of that. Maybe you just need to be where you are for a while. If some days are better than others, you are making progress, even if it doesn’t seem that way. 

  • Loveyaya04@yahoo.com

    That was beautiful and very intuitive, i dont know if your on death row and are innocent or not but it is not my place to judge and one thing i do know is trying to forgive ourselves is a very trying thing as much as trying to forgive others! Well hopefully you have found god if you believe and have found forgiveness and have been forgiven!!!!!!!

  • kym

    This is great. I really needed to know I’m not the only one who’s struggled to forgive someone.

  • Mira

    Wow, I have been searching the internet for days to find out how to forgive my husband for the incredible pain he has caused me(at times I wish he had hit me instead because I can deal with physical pain better than this) and your words have been the most inspiring.  

    #16 Give up on all hope of a better pastthis one speaks the most to me as I realize that all the hurt, anger and resentment can not change what has been done.  I think acceptance of what I can not change will bring the will to forgive and begin a better future.  thank youMira

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Mira. I know what you mean about physical pain. I’ve felt that way many times–that it would be much easier than dealing with the emotional pain I used to carry around. I’m glad this post helped you. =)

  • Collin

    I thought that I mastered forgiveness years ago. I was wrong. I’m nearly 4 months pregnant and just found out my boyfriend of 2 years has been unfaithful, even during my pregnancy. I KNOW in my heart in order to free myself and my child from this burden, mental and physical, I MUST forgive. I fear the mounting stress of this situation will have a negative physical impact on me and/or this baby. Everyone says forgiveness takes time… I feel like I don’t HAVE the time to spare. It would be ideal for me to forgive and rebuild this relationship to restore it. I don’t know what to do now. I will say that the tips on this sight have been incredibly helpful, but I still can’t FORCE myself into forgiving. I’m hurt by his actions and the potential danger he has put myself and the baby in. I don’t know where to start. I’m already tired of the repetitive negative thoughts and feelings that constantly replay in my head. I will take ANY advice… It’s urgent.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Collin,

    I can understand why it would be hard to forgive in a situation like this. I agree that it takes time. I think it might help to tremendously to focus on creating peace for yourself where and how you can, instead of trying to force yourself to forgive. For example, if you were to practice prenatal yoga, that would help create some inner calm, and then forgiveness could come naturally later as a byproduct of taking good care of yourself, and allowing yourself to work through your feelings we you feel ready. 

    Yoga and meditation helped me tremendously in releasing obsessive thoughts. I have a feeling either would be very helpful for you. They won’t completely melt your anger, but they’ll help you find a sense of inner peace and strength.

    I hope this helps!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Tyler

    Thanks so much for your article Lori. I’ve been struggling with forgiving someone for far too long, but in the process I managed to channel my anger into taking up exercising and working out several times a week! It has helped me quite a lot. If I was never betrayed I would never be as physically/mentally strong as I am now. I’m able to look at the bright side of things this way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1234990769 Hope Pearce

    Collin
    Undoubtedly a living hell for you and unfortunately the only way out is to go through it.
     
    The hardest thing about emotional pain is that NONE of us want to experience it, but all of us MUST go through it, simply because it’s part of life.
     
    Try to be compassionate for yourself first, and not for your boyfriend yet.
     
     At the moment, expecting yourself to have compassion for him is way too much of a burden, and putting unnecessary pressure on yourself. 
     
    I don’t know if this may help, and if you choose not to do it, that’s fine. It’s just a suggestion. I was once in a similar situation where the father was violent.

    You could try speaking to your baby about how sad it is for both of you that this is happening, and let baby know that often we cannot control how other people treat us, and although it hurts alot, this
    hurtful experience is NOT about your value as two beautiful people, and it is NOT about your worth as two beautiful individuals.

    You will both ALWAYS be valuable and worthwhile, simply because you are alive and have a right to be here.

    I found this technique helped to feel the hurt, which is important in order to let it leave the body, and it also put me in touch with my baby inside me, and helped to feel that I could comfort her in some way.

    I wish you well, and love, light and healing.

      

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s wonderful that you used your emotion for something positive. What a wonderful lesson to share!

  • Forbo32

    God is forgiven so we most forgive oneother Gog bless all

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Lang/1174363424 Susan Lang

    It has been about five months since my work situation happened. See my story below. I just found out that my former boss’s major client- a hotel/casino that she does work for is being sold. I saw the listing for it online. It is a big casino that has been in our city for a long time. I don’t know how she will be affected but I don’t think it is great news to her. At first I was happy. Then I heard this voice in my head- I am guessing  my conscience telling me that I am not the kind of person to delight in another’s possible misfortune. If this affects her badly it could be called karma. But I actually did say a prayer for her and the other people that work for this casino. I have tried to reach out to her a couple times and no response. I guess it is progress for me to pray for someone who treated me like dirt. I don’t think I forgive her but saying a prayer is better than hating someone.

  • Stonemom11

    So many valid points, but for me the problem is how do I forgive my self for not wanting to allow that person into my life . The guilt I fell is all mine

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I definitely know what it’s like to carry guilt around. My question for you: Do you think it’s wrong to set a boundary about who you want in your life?

  • Anne

    Hi Susan, there is a teaching in Christianity (hope its okay to post on that in this forum but I think it’s important you find out about it) on “soul ties” – there can be good soul ties and bad soul ties – you should google this topic find out more about it and then break any soul ties that have been formed with this woman – you might not even be aware of them but I can guarantee you will find a huge amount of release if you break them. hope this helps.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Lang/1174363424 Susan Lang

    Hi Anne, Thank you for that suggestion. I looked up “soul ties” and its an interesting concept. Soul ties remind me of “psychic cords”. I will think more about what you said. Some kind of ties were formed and that is why I have been having a tough time. What you said makes a lot of sense.

  • Personalizedgiftslady

    I feel the exact same way you do.  I am only here on this site today because it just dawned on me that all the pain, frustration, confusion, contempt, resentment, lost love and similar … is because I cannot forgive myself for letting the same feelings replay in my head, I cannot forgive myself for not stating my expectations loud enough or clear enough so that these things don’t continue to hurt me and I cannot forgive myself for NOT making a PERSONAL COMMITMENT TO SELF YET – that if this continues to happen I will have to (I am still looking for the completion of this sentence).  All I know is that I am LOST!  I have lost my entire SELF in this whirlwind of negative emotion.  I have lost much of my will and I have lost the ability to call upon the strong, confident woman I REALLY am to get beyond this.  As much as I have (I believe) forgiven my husband, every little miss-step he takes spirals me back into this place. Its horrendous and down right depressing!  *I am finding great wisdom here on this site and I hope it will help me get through this because I don’t know if my marriage will last if I cannot. :(

  • Denise262

    My sister and niece took 70k from my mother when she was dying. They have no remorse. I am executor and was the last to know. Plus Merrill Lynch never told me the whole story so they also received their bequests (from what was left) and ended up benefiting from the theft of and elder. Anything over 400.00 is an egregious felony! They have lied, absconded with the personal property also and I have been trying for 3 years to get the d.a. to prosecute them. To no avail because my mother has passed away and can’t testify. Yet other counties have proscuted family members even when the victim couldn’t testify. I didn’t feel that the da really cared enough because they are family members. So over and over again people get away with this crime! Interestingly enough I am also angry at my mother for not telling me yet I know she was dying and they coerced her into not saying anything. I am 60 year old accounting professional I’ve worked hard all my life while my sister lived off of my mother and never lifted a finger! Almost my entire company was laid off two years ago so the little money that I had  left is gone. So not only did they steal from my poor mother but from me my retirement. I am spiritual  (I have 16 years in recovery and am active in AA)but this has thrown me for a loop. This is REALLY tough. The have no remorse, frolicking on Facebook like they don’t have a care in the world. I believe in a Higher Power yet sometimes I think what if there isn’t any judgement for them when they die. Just what IF there isn’t a God. I really really hate to say that because I truly believe otherwise yet….. I don’t trust ANYONE because I don’t want to be a sucker again. I hate them more than you can imagine and this isn’t the only thing they have done. Plus it’s so hard to get a CRIME like this prosecuted because it’s family. But I think it’s worse when it’s family. In addition I hate it when people say “Oh when push comes to shove though it’s your family” and “Blood is thicker than water”. Family members do terrible things to each other so I hate it when I hear someone say that. If it was a stranger or a friend how would you feel. I don’t care if they’re family members they do not deserve to even be called human to steal from your dying mother and grandmother. Plus my sister took my father’s pain pills after his quadruple bypass!! INCREDIBLE!  So don’t lay that “They’re family” thing on me. I can’t go to even low cost therapy because I am on unemployment. I tried to read several books on Buddhism  for serenity and dealing with suffering but it was hard going. Because EVERYONE suffers. I am killing myself here with rage against, my sister, niece, district attorney, Merrill Lynch on and on and IT IS KILLING ME! I’ve tried to use every AA tool I have (like praying for the person for two weeks even if you don’t mean it) and as thye say in AA “Resentment is the #1 offender they can bring us down”  but I can’t get over it. I read quote after quote and it doesn’t help. I really need help. I know I should forgive because this hatred is negative and I hate negativity. I want them to pay and pay and pay but I can’t make that happen! A noted Elder Abuse advocate said to me he admired my perseverance in trying to hold them accountable but when do I give up and how do I deal with this? I volunteer with Meals on Wheels delivering meals to the elderly to try and do something positive but I’ll tell you this this is the hardest thing I have EVER had to deal with. I never knew I could hate two people this much. I also try to be grateful for what I have because I have more than a lot of people have and also the old AA tool writing down five things you are grateful for every day but NOTHING IS WORKING. Again another AA tool ”Cut the self pity” but this is, to me, injustice that people would get away with a crime against a child, the elderly or animals. The very weakest. Then I get obssessed for several hours a day and literally can’t function I am so angry. I am open to ANY suggestions. My mother used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas but because of this I have spent the last four years alone during the holidays. But again I do feel gratitude because  the suffering of others that is far worse. STILL….. Can anyone help me? Thanks so much! I hope you all had a great Thnaksgiving and find  your serenity.  

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Denise,

    I can understand why it would be hard for you to forgive. I have always had a strong resistance to letting go when I feel something is unjust. I think it’s a natural human instinct to want things to be fair. It’s even more hurtful when the injustice involves people we care about and want to care about us better.

    I can tell you’ve put a lot of time and effort into this–and I’m not sure I have other suggestions that will make this any easier. So instead, I am going to leave you with some questions:

    -If you spent your whole life chasing justice for this, and they were held accountable the day before or after you die, would you be glad you made this your life’s mission?

    -If you spent your whole life chasing justice for this, and it never happened, would you be glad you tried?

    -What would it look like to let go for a day–just one day without thinking about this situation and the anger you feel?

    -What would it mean to forgive them–what would it look like? How would your life change? How would it improve?

    -If you forgive them, do you feel like they somehow got away with this? Is it really any different if you DON’T forgive them?

    -What is more important to you–that they are held accountable for this, or that you have you have a sense of peace and happiness?

    I realize this will be hard–it would be for me, as well. But ultimately no quotes, or advice, or support will help if somewhere inside you feel adamantly opposed to letting this go. Nothing will help until you are able to accept that what happened happened, and then release the need to fight it. That may be something you need to do one day at a time. You might let go for an hour and then feel angry again. Take it day by day, and even moment to moment. Build up periods of acceptance and peace. That truly is the only way to forgive–to make a choice, and then if you feel resistant, make it again.

    I hope this helps.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Denise262

    Thank you Lori. I think again with my background in AA that the One Day at a Time is one key. I think it’s harder when I’m home all day, looking for a job, can’t go anywhere or do anything (volunteering does help for the short term). If  I was working or otherwise occupied I probably wouldn’t think about it so much and just keep dwelling on it for two hours. Also trying to get something done through the courts for the last 2 1/2 years for mom has kept it in the forefront for a long time. What I would like is a conviction and in addition I’d like to tie them both to a chair and scream at them for about 24 hours! My long time sponsor agrees it’s hard with so much time on my hands. Your last paragraph was spot on also. Acceptance (another tenet of AA) page 449 in the old Big Book. Thank you for reminding me……… to quote page 449……”And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation, some fact, unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until  I accept that person , place , thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, nothing happens in God’s world by mistake,. Unless I accept life completely on life’s terms I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate  not so much on what needs to be changed in the world  as on what needs to be changed  in me and my attitudes.” How could I forget that quote! You also hit on something else….your fifth question, If I forgive them does it feel like they have gotten away with something? The answer is YES! I guess I’ve been reading and hearing so much about the fact that I have to forgive them to get peace that I am forcing myself to do something that I just cannot do right now…or so it seems. You know……I’m not going to be a sucker again! You have posed some great questions for me to think about and how kind of you to respond so quickly. ”Build up periods of acceptance and peace.”  Instead of beating myself up because I cannot forgive two heinous criminals right now. Thank you again Lori you have helped more than you know.

  • Raspatua48

    I wish someone could help. I don’t even know where to begin.. My life is one big lie. My husband( married 2 months ) lies about little things, stuff he is embarrassed about. He was in an emotionally abusive relationship before me. It was his only relationship in his life. We started dating and he lied about everything that he did with his ex, how they lived together, stupid stuff. We were engaged when I found out how much he had lied about and the past he hid from me. Now his past isn’t bad, he just is ashamed that he stayed with her. Once I found out the truth, it killed me. I felt like I didn’t know this man at all. We went to counseling but the dr. focused more on his lying, and not how to repair the trust. We tried to fix it on our own and got married a year later. I still have trouble forgiving him. There are days I just cry, and he is trying so hard to be open and honest. How do I forgive without being terrified that he is going to do it again? I have never seen a man try so hard to fix this. I still haven’t learn to let my guard down with the man I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Lang/1174363424 Susan Lang

    I have posted on here before about what happened between me and my ex boss. Lori so kindly gave me advice and insight. This afternoon I called her and just said, ” E__________ I would like to speak with you”. She hung up on me. It was something I wanted to try to do. It took me almost seven months to do this- to get up the nerve to make that call and actually speak. Though I was upset I did not call back and leave a mean message or retaliate. I have so much on my plate. I just can’t carry this around. So what I may do tonight is call the office phone and just say basically I wish you the best and I forgive you. There is nothing more I can do.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    That’s awesome that you’ve decided to leave that message. I’m sure it can’t be easy to forgive knowing she’s treated you so disrespectfully, but what a sense of relief to finally let something like that go.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Lang/1174363424 Susan Lang

    I keep coming back here on occassion because there is a lot of wisdom in this post. To update my story I tried calling my ex boss yesterday. It took about six months to get up the courage to do so. I said, ” E I want to speak with you”. She hung up on me. I did not call back. I was not totally surprised. I ended up leaving a voicemail that night for her saying what I wanted to say- but being honest and respectful. I don’t think I will hear from her. It was wrong how she treated me and at this point I am not trying again. If someone is going to be like that there is nothing you can do.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Susan-Lang/1174363424 Susan Lang

    I’m glad I left that message too. It is tough to forgive after being treated so disrespectfully but that is my goal. I am glad I made that effort because it doesn’t weigh on me like it did. I also take comfort in that the people I care about and respect would never treat someone so badly nor would I.

  • Connectiontotheworld

    This is something I don’t like about buddhism. It’s a nice thought to be forgiving to people. These quotes are just that though. They are nice sounding but not based in reality. At some point someone needs to stand up for themselves, and stop others from taking advantage of them, or abusing them, or harming them. This list of quotes, and the general sentiment here seems to be that if one is not forgiving completely then one is staying angry. The quote at the end ” no one ever gets to the end of their life and thinks ‘ I wish I stayed angry longer’” is misleading. That person might think though that they are glad they removed themselves from hate, from abuse, from extreme negativity. That person could wish they were loved by others more, they were respected more.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I can understand your perspective here. If you associate forgiveness with allowing someone to abuse you, it’s only natural you would not want to forgive.

    I am suggesting a different possibility: take care of your own needs so that someone else is not able to hurt you, and then decide that they will not hurt you anymore–not through their actions, and not through your own bitterness. Because that’s what generally happens when we don’t forgive–we hold onto whatever it is someone did that we believe is wrong, and we let it continue to hurt us.

    I experienced abuse when I was younger, and for years I internalized it. Long after the incidents that led to my self-loathing, I condemned certain people in my mind, and in a very real way, they controlled me long after the incidents themselves. When I forgave them, it set me free. Those people and the stories no longer had power over my mind. That’s the power of forgiveness.

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • Marzbrown

    Michael B. Ross,
    Call me stupid, call me whatever, but I just don’t know how to forgive certain things/ people in my life. I have a deep anger inside of meand i really do want it to go away. Maybe I’m not fully understanding this “forgiveness” thing. How can I be nice to a person that is so cruel in her everyday?? My husbands only brother killed himself and his ex wife buried him without our knowledge! How in Gods name do I forgive her?? It’s not just that either. She now uses our nephew as leverage, as a pon! You haveno idea how angry I am, but want so much to be at peace.

    It does affect my everyday, my everything. After my brother in-law committed suicide, my husbands entire family “changed”. We don’t see them like we use to and can’t do anything about it.

    I would love to know and understand more clearly how to forgive? How can I say hi to this girl without feeling like I want to get back at her?? How??

    Marissa Brown
    Canada

  • Deanotten36

    Some of the reading I have seen. Even to at lest read those parts that seem to have a message to you and your own forgiveness, that of self-forgiveness and those that really hurt you deeply. With out forgiveness , the pain and anger will always keep you from enjoying life.!

  • Embraceyourinnerdino

    When you forgive does your anger completely go away, or do you have to check up on yourself every once in a while, saying I’m not going to let this affect me… I want mine completely gone

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I don’t know that any feelings ever completely go away. I’ve found that in some cases, I need to forgive over and over again. But every time, I feel less resistant and better prepared to do it.

  • Jorenz53

    I wish I could forgive. I think it would make my life a lot easier. Instead I am a constant ball of stress pushing through this life

  • Caitlyn

    This hit hard. Currently my best friend (I cannot truthfully call her that.) and I are in the biggest fight we’ve ever had…Actually, the only fight. She has betrayed me and my other really close friend many times.
    Example A:
    She FORCED this guy who my friend (good friend) had liked for a while to ask my friend (good friend) out. So he did (almost reluctantly) and then like 10 min later she (bad friend) started flirting big time with him!! Its like she made him ask her out just so she could crush her.
    Example B:
    She takes every single guy any of her friends are in to! Then claims shes liked him for months!
    Example C: 
    She starts 90% of the drama in our grade/school and gets us ALL involved.

    There are more…sadly. And no they don’t all involve guys..those are just the most recent. Earlier today shes starts texting me as if nothing has been going on!
    her:
    heyyy(:
    me:
    please…no.
    Then she brings it all up and spits right in my face, calls me two-faced disses me on many levels and then acts as if I am the bitch. She says I only listen to what I hear and don’t let her tell her side of the story (which, for the record is a huge pile of lies!). As if I wasn’t at every single one of these scenarios!! This may sound bitchy… but this is how I replied to her:
    me: im not ready to forgive you…
    her: maybe you shouldn’t forgive me. maybe you should just forget me. maybe you should just hurt me a little more
    me: hey guess what? I’m hurt too. ur learning so many things today:
    1. *my first and last name*  is a human being! she has opinions and emotions.

    I want to forgive her. I really do! But I’m afraid if I take her back its just going to happen all over! I’ve tried praying. I just..don’t know what to do..Please help me to forgive her.
    Sincerely, Caitlyn

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Caitlyn,

    I’m sorry to hear about your situation with your friend. I find it’s easier for me to forgive someone when I create a situation in which they can’t consistently hurt me. Considering her tendency to do things that are hurtful, you may want to set some clearer boundaries, or even reassess the friendship. If you do what you need to do for you it will be easier to forgive her, because she will no longer be able to hurt you.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Tmc 1971

    Executed May, 2005~ Serial Killer~ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Bruce_Ross

  • Ttyler1294

    I would like to say thank you to all for about a year I’ve held on to anger that I no longer can bare.every day I would think of the ones who hurt me and would than the hate and anger would build and build until I felt as if I was worthless and I know I still have much work to do I now know how to start the long road back to who I once was thank to all of you.
    ~ Tyler Nace Thompson

  • Lindy

    Hi Tyler… And all ….I ,too, have held on to resentment, and even jealousy, which has begun by hurt, and the other has moved on with my friends, who think “she” is wonderful…after leaving me in the dust. I don”t even like looking at her but can’t get away from her since we go to the same church. I read a great book called,The Peacemakers. In it the author states scripture that uphold the fact that God is always there to forgive us if we , or others repent, aka apologize, and brgin the road to reconciliation if emote ly possible. I think we, even Choristians like myself, think that we need to go around forgiving hurtful actions of others. the Bible stately states that we need to forgive others when th ey repent. that has helped me immensely…it is a two way street.

  • Singleaussiegirl blogger

    Loved reading this. It has really helped me in my life right now!! So much so, I put a link to your site in my blog. Thank you!

    http://agirlslifesinglesuccessful.blogspot.com.au/

  • Abandoned

    Hello, I have just come out of a week of emotional pain. I finally pinpointed that I need to forgive so I can let go and move on but I don’t know how to forgive.
    This past breakup of a relationship of 2 yrs is the biggest heartbreak I have ever had and it ended very badly. All the hurt from his words and actions of abandoning me is what stirs up such a pain and then in turn the anger builds and thoughts of revenge. Old feelings from past situations have resurfaced. I then feel unworthy, hate myself that I am feeling like this. I have read all your posts and I know that I need to forgive because I know that is what will set me free but how. I still love him. And I am hurt that my pain is not acknowledged by him…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there Abandoned,

    My heart goes out to you! I have been in this place before, and I know how conflicting it can be to feel angry, hurt, and guilty all at the same time. I actually wrote another post that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-let-go-of-a-past-relationship-10-steps-to-peacefully-move-on/

    I hope this helps a little.

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Abandoned

    Thank you so much Lori! I have spent the morning reading your site and the different blogs. I feel I found comfort for the first time in 6 months. Thank you for your warm comforting words!

    Abandoned

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! =)

  • Gina

    I wld like someone in my life but this person has hurt me deeply. Where do I start with forgiveness? He had lied thruout out entire relationship and got caught a wk after we had our daughter. Can he change and is he worth the second chance?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Gina,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your relationship. Without knowing him, it’s hard to know if he is serious about changing–though it sounds like he hasn’t proven himself to be trustworthy. Do you feel he is a worth a second chance? I know it’s likely hard to answer this question because you may have some conflicting emotions, but if you get quiet and clear your head, what do your instincts tell you?

    If you decide to stay in this relationship, you may find this post helpful:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-relationship-with-a-loved-one-who-has-hurt-you/

    Much love,
    Lori

  • GuardianAngel

    One way to forgive someone is by telling yourself that one year from now you would have moved on to a much happier place and WILL NOT be bothered by these thoughts of anger and vengeance anymore, so no point to wasting time and energy thinking about it now. It would be good if you have a hobby or something you can turn to for instant distraction (like music). Hey, don’t take life too seriously. Besides, fifty years from now everyone you have a grudge on would be six feet under the ground anyway, so who cares.

  • Stanzi1st

    I am glad to come across this site.  To forgive him is to benefit me and not him.  What he does with it is truly up to him, as it is for me.  Need to let go of the anger and resentment.

  • Alex

    Thank you so much for all of these posts, they have really made me realise that I am not alone in what I am feeling and what I am struggling with. I am in my early 20s and have been struggling with something for quite a few years, and only recently I realised that it was because I had not truly forgiven the person who had wronged me. Hopefully knowing what I have to do now will set me on the right path. I just want to get rid of the anger that I experience every day when I think about this person, and find peace within myself and be free from the burden of anger and resentment. I just pray and hope that one day this will happen!!! I cannot thank you enough for these posts and for the whole blog above – it’s as if you read my mind Lori!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome Alex! I do understand, and I think a lot of other people do, as well. Sometimes we need to forgive over and over again. Even after many years, I still feel anger at times. Then I do my best to come back to the moment, create a sense of inner calm, and let go. Maybe it’s not about forgiveness happening one day, but forgiveness happening one day at a time. That’s how it’s been for me!

    Much love,
    Lori

  • Visiting Visitor

    I’m ready to forgive.  I don’t want to be angry anymore.  I want to move on in a positive direction.  And, this article gives good advice on how to forgive, internally.  How do you externalize the forgiveness?  Do you let the offender know they’ve been forgiven? If so, how do you do physically/verbally do that…without actually saying something like “I forgive you”…which could be considered condescending?  Any advice that would help me with building a step-by-step approach forgiving outwardly would be sincerely appreciated.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think that’s different for everyone. There is someone I’ve forgiven who I’ve never told, because they didn’t request my forgiveness. Has this person requested yours?

  • Visiting Visitor

    Unfortunately, no.  There is silence between us, which I began as a result of some serious offenses towards me and my family.  My offender should apologize, but has not.  
    There’s been a couple years of silence now between us and I don’t think the apology will ever happen.  The two years of silence started off light but quickly got progressively worse.  Each of us getting back at the other with little things until a wall was built and there was complete silence and no contact.  Reading through your site and others, I’ve come to the hard realization that it’s just not worth it to carry such a heavy, angry load.  I don’t want to be angry at this person anymore.  I also want our friendship back.  Not sure how to do all this.  We’re in different parts of the country and I happen to be flying to where this person is soon.  I’m considering asking this person to pick me up.  I’d like to throw everything under the rug and begin again.  Not sure it’s a good idea, but I’m not really sure what the best way forward with this person is.  My offender is family and I think there is still room for this person and I to be better with each other.  What do you think?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    If you think you’re ready to let go of the anger and the need for an apology, it might be a good idea to extend an olive branch and get together while you’re in the same city. My advice is to stay in the present in this relationship as best you can. If you can see the relationship for what it can be (not what it used to be) you’ll be in a good place to rebuild it–if the other person is also willing to do the same.

  • ashley

    i have tried and tried to forgive this friend for years but every time i do she does something else that makes me mad and she is totally unaware or doesn’t care. we have been friends for 15 years but  after she belittled me in middle school, stole my high school sweetheart then denied doing so, came between me and her guy friend spreading lies, spreading more lies to other friends, having my sister fired  for a really stupid reason, and asked me to let her move in  after i cleaned out a room for her and spent 8 hours cleaning my house she doesnt show. i removed her from my friends list, but she still pesters me, and i recently learned she tried to commit suicide and was bi-polar.  i found all the information posted very informative and helpful, but there are just some people that you can’t forgive because they never change.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    It sounds like this has been a dramatic and difficult relationship, and that this friend has been hurtful to both you and herself. Would it be possible for you to forgive her without letting her back into your life? In this way, you don’t need to carry anger and resentment about the past, but you also don’t need to set yourself up for more in the future.

  • Janine

    I have been struggling with this forgiveness thing for the. I do not know, if i just do not understand how too?? Last summer i  found out, my husband was having an affair, we have since divorced. It was 20 years of my life, gone in a flash. I have my kids. But i still have so much anger towards him. Everytime i hear anything about him. I get to thinking and the anger comes right back. I want my life back, so i can be happy and move on. But the anger, i can not seem to get rid of it. I am sure i am holding to something?
    Janine

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about your husband’s affair. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through your feelings? After 20 years together, it’s only natural you’d feel a lot of conflicting, unresolved emotions, and sometimes it helps to have qualified, professional help to understand and process them.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/YEWQ4F5N67LHURJEWEPS6KGEMQ Wendy

    But how do you forgive someone, even when the original offense is about 38 years ago, when every time you talk to them their manipulations and guilt trips take you back to that point in time? How do you let it go when it keeps slapping you in the face and you know they won’t change?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Sometimes it’s easiest to forgive once we’ve taken care of ourselves–which in this case, might mean ending this relationship, or if you can’t, setting very clear boundaries. In this way, you don’t set yourself up to continually get hurt, and you also don’t have to carry around anger and resentment about what happened in the past.

  • http://profile.yahoo.com/YEWQ4F5N67LHURJEWEPS6KGEMQ Wendy

    Thank you for your reply. Your answer makes me feel better about some choices I have made recently, which was to effectively end my relationship with some toxic family members. My main issue is my mother and she will never change. Every time we talk she has to apply guilt trips and make me feel bad for not being a “good daughter.” Something she used to do when I was a very little girl…she used to like to make me cry..I won’t go into details. Needless to say, every time she does this I am transported back in time, so to speak, to feeling like that little girl. Some in my family just can’t understand why I can’t “get over it” and let it go. It’s because I am not being allowed to distance myself from those feelings in order to heal. I always beat myself up for days after a talk with my mother. Your answer, as well as other things I have read on here, help me to know I have made the right decision to finally focus on taking care of me instead of trying to be something I will never be able to be anyway (the perfect daughter/sister). I just hope I will be able to learn how to forgive, both myself and others, and learn how to really live in a healthy manner. Thanks.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome Wendy. I’m glad my comment and the site has helped reaffirm your decision to take care of yourself. I can understand why your mother’s comments would be hurtful to you. You don’t deserve that!

  • Feminin67

    There are things that cannot and should not be forgiven, because fact is, somebody stole your time, your life energy or feeling of well-being and wasn’t  kjjnbothered by it. I agree that it makes no sense to act on one’s anger because that will waste more energy and time. Best to leave it up to fate to do justice.

  • Jimmy

    True Love  The Attraction Love Spell  that you cast on me is really amazing and
    Finding your  email on the internet was a godsent. Even better, Dr. Agbon, you’re the most considerate and compassionate man I know. I was so down after being loveless for almost five years. I requested a love spell and, amazingly, it worked!  Next week I will marry the greatest woman alive and I think it’s the real thing.  To thank you, indiapowerfulspell@yahoo.com  would not be enough, considering what you’ve done.

  • dalass

    Spiritual Doctor Messiah did the best work for me, After years of watching my uncle verbally abuse my aunt, I finally had to do something about it. She was too committed to her family to ever leave him but he was brutal someday. I wanted to hurt him, not physically but wanted him to suffer. I found freemercytemple@yahoo.com and it took me some time to find which revenge spell was right and I finally settled on Night Terrors revenge spell. A few nights after I requested the casting I could hear him screaming from his room. I woke and ran into the hallway, my aunt was also there watching him writhe in bed covered in sweat with the sheets twisted around him. That was just the first night, the magical spirit would come and go, but finally drove him to a point that he calmed his daytime behavior for fear of what would be lurking when he closed his eyes. After a couple of weeks I felt bad and had the spell reversed but i was really pleased with job of the free my mercy temple. We found out later that he was the one haunting him in his dreams. Enough to make him see the monster he had become. You can use his service if have similar problems  freemercytemple@yahoo.com

  • Basslinedj

    Here’s my story I’ve been with my wife for 11years now who I love so much. It has been a bit of a roller coaster for us as all marriages are but we have worked throu them going back i use to treat my wife Not like a wife should be treated I thing deep down I was scared she was going to hurt me some how so I use to act the hard man and pretend I didn’t need her when I did really not sure why I did! But she felt not loved she fort I didn’t want to be with her. From my words what i wood say to her She also found out she couldnt have kids due to health problems this same year as finding that out she told me (only last week) she tired a few times when i wood go out to leave me but didnt feel strong enough to do it. she went to a family party I couldn’t attend as I use to dj back then and I was out djing so she went with her friends & family she got talking to her cousin who she hadn’t saw in a long time And told her about the health problems so talking about that and thinking she wants to leave me but her mood realy low she fort she convince herself her life wood be better talking to who she wants etc rather then stopping in the house all the time looking at 4 Walls feeling unloved by me. me and my wife don’t talk to the opposite sex that’s how we have been together but she got talking to a old male school mate having a catch up they also swapped numbers by this time she was feeling drunk abit later on that night she went outside as she felt a bit sick her mate followed her out and they sat on the wall in this time a kiss happend for a few seconds stopped then started again straight away for couple seconds again She told me she had thoughts running throu her head saying she needs to do this if she wants to leave me as well as thoughts I dont want this I want my husband anyway she stopped it and went back in side her mate kept asking her to go outside again she said I don’t want to I’m married he left the party he then called her saying come to mine she said no I don’t want to he kept saying things to her like married people can do it etc she said I don’t want to she said she is going later on that night when she got home we had a bit of a raw she walked to her sisters about 30mins later she walked back home 3am she tired calling me and her sister but our phones was off I totally forget to put it back on so she called this bloke cause she was scared walking back that late the next day he texted her but she didn’t want to no he texted her again as she didn’t reply so she cut her sim up and she told me at this time she was talking to a old mate last night who tired to kiss her and she pushed him off straight away thats why she cut her sim up so i forgive her as she didnt do anything wrong but she told me lies back 6years ago but 8 months ago it came back into my head and I kept asking my wife questions about that event she kept saying things then taking them away so i fort im never gonna now the truth so i paid for a lie decter she passed the test I’ve been depressed anxity for the last 8 months I’ve been to my doctors to get tablets I’ve also been to see a councillor but it feels like I’m in a right mess but last week my wife sat me down and Told me what happened that night and how she was feeling back then. but I keep doubting her and the test I keep askin her did she sleep with this person but I’m so angry at the min but I want to just get back to normal and show her love that I didn’t before but I’m really finding it hard to forgive any help plz plz

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry about what you’ve been through with your wife. A few questions (that you don’t need to answer for me–they’re just for you:)

    Do you really want to forgive your wife?
    What do you think is holding you back from forgiving her?
    Have you forgiven yourself?

    If you can start to answer these, you will be in a better place to help yourself move forward.

  • Basslinedj

    Hi lori thanks for commenting back. Yes I want to forgive her more then anything in the world. I’m not sure what’s holding me back but I have had an affair 3 years ago and my wife forgive me but mine was a lot worse then what my wife did mine was sexual where as my wifes was only a confussed kiss. Im just not sure why im doubting her and the lie results I’m not sure if I’m feeling really guilty for what I did or for the way I’ve treated her in the past. As I now I was nasty I just Want to treat her right now but I can’t while I’ve got this pain and all my thoughs running wild in my head. When u say have I forgiven myself sorry to sound dumb how do u mean cheers

  • Ymoneyt

    That protection spell which i got from temple of loves pell is awesome! Having said that I would like to explain…..There was recently a huge amount of snow fall here and I was unable to shovel because of my bad back. I tried but didn’t get very far….there was over a foot of snow and the village plowed even more into my drive way I was forced to wait until I could get someone to use a snow blower and remove it. I was off work for two days . I had to use sick days so I wont lose money but I was forced to take a two day vacation :)…. I returned to work today to find……my boss became ill ……one of my co workers ( her son and daughter in law were in a head on accident) no one was injured but the car was totaled. Her husband lost his job……another co worker her husband will have to see a dr for his back……another co worker ( the father of her child was in jail for a few days) all of them have had more than a little to say about me . I was falsely accused of a mistake on a patient and that was brought to light this morning……I have not wished anything bad on any of these people but by their own had they are paying the price. Thanks templeoflove1@gmail.com….the stress in my life has lightened so much I can’t thank him enough for helping me.I will not take advantage of it but its nice to know I will be treated fairly now

  • Melissa Bailey9106

    Hi Lori
    there are some really good point on here….but what do you do when your tying to forgive a love one…..but your heart won’t allow you to….because u have alreally forgiving that person so many time….and they keep hurting u????

  • Terrydonhill

    hello everyone i was in this same problem, when my girl friend also left me i never thought i could come back to her again but with the help of spiritual doctor messiah which cast the love spell for me i don’t think i could have done anything instead crying all day,but he cast this retrieve my love back for me within 6 days my girl come back to me with all love that i have never see from her before, call on him for help and have it solve id   freemercytemple  at yahoo  dot  com he will do everything for you.

  • Somaliar

    yes freemercytemple did the same thing for me and it work,i love this helping temple which make me happy again,my thanks will always go to them.

  • Tobolskii

    I have a really hard time letting go the fact that my gf cheated on me with her ex boyfriend. I want to move on but i cant seem to be able to forget. I love her but i cant tell her that because it is too soon. I asked to break up the title and start afresh. I want to build it stronger and better and I know that we are capable of it. Please can someone show me the way to forgiveness.

  • Tobolskii

    If you could take some time out and help me get through my pain i would be greatly appreciative. Ive been through war and saw my friends die in combat but i cant stop thinking about my gf cheating on me please respond. I desperately need guidance. Thank you. Tobolskii@list.ru

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can understand why it would be difficult to let this go. Sometimes relationships survive this kind of betrayal, and sometimes they just can’t. Let me ask you this: What do you think is holding you back from forgiving her? 

  • Tah Anne

    hello am anne
    yea i read about the forgiveness page,and said waoo bravo to those who can forgive no matter what the pain or hurt you feel.It has been very difficult for me since i discover the murder of my three kids and  he
     invoke illness on me
    , and further cause a seperation for me and my husband,. this is so painful that i now live a lonely life which has never been my desire,please dear advise me on how i can forgive this person who almost takeaway by life?
    i have forgiven him so many times , but when ever i think of it or see kids of same age as mind , the pain will come back , and i may weep the whole night or even throught out the day my mood will change . please dearest help me to forgive completely , i beg you

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Tah Anne,

    I am so sorry for your losses, and honestly, I’m at a loss as to what to say. I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through. While I could offer you some suggestions based on what’s helped me forgive, I’ve never experienced anything quite this traumatic. Have you sought professional help (through a therapist) to work through your feelings? 

    It might be a while before you fully heal from this experience. It will help if you have some extra support to come to terms with what has happened and find peace in the aftermath. You may also want to consider joining a support group for women who’ve lost children in this way. I’m sure it will help a great deal to connect with other people who know exactly what you’re going through.

    I am sending you all my love and positive energy. 

    Love,
    Lori

  • Gooi Felicia

    I cried after reading your msgs. I don’t why I cried but it just so emotional and touching. It is very true when you said that all of us have been hurt, especially by someone you loved most. Time do heals and I’m living one day at a time.

  • Ex Employee

    Hi Susan,
    Take in comfort that you are not the only person who had work with a sadistic boss. I have working with one for almost ten years. All these years, not only she didn’t treat me with due respect but almost everyday used sarcasm and abusive words. No appreciation from her and a word of “thank you” didn’t exist in her dictionary. All the cruel bosses out there, pls remember that sometimes we have to endure all these negative things is because we have to make livings and feed our family; and not because we enjoy your bullies. And we have to forgive you and ourselves everyday to stay sane and keep on with our life.
    But, Susan, the Higher Power is there to blessed us. I’ve already left the evil environment and now I am working with a very kind and good boss. Like you write in your post, focus on the good people and more good things will come to you.

  • Nicki_ars

    Hi, I know someone whom I need forgiveness from. I was 20 when I got to know this guy,M. I was still attached to someone else, A, so I made the decision to be with M. However, during the initial part of my relationship with M (less than a month) I went back to A. M would be busy with work but I was so used to having a boyfriend who’d spend a lot of time with me. Not to mention, I had also just recently at that time gone for an abortion (because of A). Instead of sorting my own shit out first, I dove into the new relationship with M. As a result, my inability to let go, my familarity with the old, probably led me to cheating on M with A. I slept with A during this course of time an had been questioned thrice by M about my cheating. Every time I admitted to M and after the 3rd time, i finally managed to cut ties with A. However, by that time, though M loves me and I know he still does, I had betrayed him one time too many and he told me he won’t be able to forgive me. 7 years have passed and I am still with M. Unfortunately, he always brings up the past and equates not forgiving me to self-preservation

  • Nicki_ars

    He feels that I didn’t love him and that’s why I betrayed him. He can’t seem to trust me even after all these years and all that I’ve done to try to reassure him. I’ve done almost everything a partner can do with the other. I really hope he would forgive me. I’ve thought about my future with him, family and all but unless he can learn to forgive… I don’t know how we’ll manage as a couple…. What can I do?…

  • NELS5422

     I am somewhat in the same situation as Tobolskii.  My husband of 9+ years had an affair.  We have a 4 year old and one due in a couple weeks.  I still love him and I want more than anything to get past this, but I, too, am having a very hard time forgetting and forgiving at this point.  I am hurting so much!!!  You asked ‘What do you think is holding you back from forgiving?’.  My answer would be that I feel it is inviting him to hurt me again and I am saying what he did was ok.  I want to be able to forgive and move on!  Please help!!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to learn about your husband’s affair. I can understand your fear that this might happen again. Have you considered doing couple’s therapy?  Perhaps this would help you work through your feelings and help him identify why he did this, and how he can ensure it won’t happen again.

  • Jan Goodwin

    I was abandoned by my husband of 30 years when I was diagnosed with cancer. I needed him so much when I had my leg amputated and then when I found the cancer had spread and I was terminally ill. He moved another much
    younger woman into my home.
    It’s 2 years, I’m divorced and in many ways
    Ihave moved on. I can for the most part deal with my mortality but find it hard to let go. I’ll always love my husband but find it hard to forgive him, especially when he spends his time partying, holidaying and generally pleases see
    U

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Jan,

    As a writer, it’s rare that I am at a loss for words, but I am in this instance. Letting go and forgiving are never easy, but I can only imagine how challenging it must be when also facing your own mortality. I hope you have good friends and family there, giving you the love and support you deserve. 

    I am thinking of you and sending all my love your way. 

    Lori

  • Andre

    (30) “Understand this: whether you like it or not, over time, you will stop feeling the pain, so why hold on to something that’s going away anyway?” -Nirav KAKUWhen I read this I understood and agreed with the idea that we should not hold on to the feeling of pain. Nevertheless I couldn’t resist to replying on the second part of the quote “ so why hold on to something that’s going away anyway?” Isn’t life actually about living. Nobody would agree if I would say ” so why hold on to life, it’s going away anyway?” But actually dying is not exactly about living. To live means to let go of the thought of death. If we don’t hold on to death, we are living till the end. But what if you feel pain, anger or fear, what if you are afraid, weak, depressed? Can you stop to feel the pain just because you decide to do so? 
    Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts! Ä

  • Jcm628

    I appreciate this, but my question is how to GENUINELY forgive? If I tell this person that I forgive them, I will still be angry in my heart. So I have released them from their deeds, but how do I release myself from the anger? I cannot release them until I am first released or I will be lying to them and myself. This is not true forgiveness. It will manifest later.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    You may find this post helpful:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/20-things-to-do-when-youre-feeling-angry-with-someone/

    It talks more about working through and releasing anger. I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • Susie

    My children and I were abused, threatened and beaten for many years and we were too scared to leave as we he had threaten to find us. I left and he found me and severly beat me with metal pole and broke my ribs and I had to have stitches in my head. He said he wouldn’t kill me just burn my eyes out and cut out my tongue etc etc… 
     I got the courage to leave with the kids anyway and changed names and hid. All we took was some clothes, passports and a fishing rod. After many years one of the children wanted to get in contact so we did. It was scary and a slow process but eventually there was a sort of ‘truce ‘for a while. then he sent hateful messages to my daughter and severly beat my son up. he never gave us maintainance even though he has two houses and plenty of cash and spends it on others. He’ll buy the youngest child something if she studies what he wants her to study and get good grades.  he tells lies about me and said I left to be with another man…. I was celibate for 4 years after him.He’ll still make comments as if he is now a good man but he has never shown remorse or contributed.  Sometimes I feel I have forgiven and he must be a very sad and disturbed person so I know I am happier, but sometimes memories cripple me. 
    To acknowlege he is human and makes mistakes  or think positively about the future doen’t always work, What is a ‘bigger’ way? 

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Susie,

    My heart broke when I read your comment. I’m so sorry for what you’ve experienced. I’m in awe of your strength and courage in being able to leave with your children and start over. I can only imagine how difficult it must feel to forgive, knowing how much pain your ex caused (and continues to cause). 

    I don’t know that I have an answer to your question, as I’ve never experienced anything close to what you’ve been through. However, I do have one thought to offer: If he is still in your life and still causing trouble, that will make it harder to fully forgive and let go. I suspect it would be a lot easier to fully heal if he was no longer able to hurt you.

    I know you mentioned that one of your children wanted to make contact. Considering that he then beat up your son, is it possible you could make another clean break?

    I wish I could do more to help. I am sending positive energy and good thoughts your way.

    Lori

  • veeerayanun

    Today two of my best friends forgot my birthday .I very up set and I’ve tried to let it go but I can’t.I’m not mature enough to think before say something, so I yelled at them hahaha, I feel relief after yelling( of course that’s not  good )Now I’m trying to let my anger go not for them but for myself.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m sorry to hear about what happened…Happy birthday! Despite your friends forgetting, I hope you have a wonderful day. =)

  • anonymous

    Hi, i just came across your blog during a search through google. I’ve read through your post lori and also through everyone elses comments and still havent found an answer to by problem. How do you forgivr someone who is family and has hurt you intentionally,has no remorse what so ever and now ignores ur very existense. Also especially when this person has not only hurt you by saying untrue things about you but also has poisoned the minds of other family memebrs with whom who you live under the same roof and now the relationship has changed from a good one to a bitter one with lots of fake smiles from the front and curses from behind their back? This person was a just not family but our relationship started of as good friendship and suddenly the situtation changed. Its been over 4 years now and I still cant get the person out of my mind. Thrs a lot of bitterness and sadness in me and i wish at times dat i cud erase d past. How do i move one when she is living like nothing ever happened?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about your experiences with your family member. I’m going to ask you a few questions that you don’t need to answer for me–they’re just for you. Perhaps your answers to these questions will help you discover what to do:

    -Have you already discussed with the family members who live with you to clear up any misconceptions?

    -This family member who hurt you–is s/he still in your life today? If this person is, is there a way to change that or minimize contact so you don’t keep getting hurt?

    -Under what circumstances do you usually think about the pain this person caused you over four years ago? Are there certain triggers? Does identifying those triggers give you any information about what you need to do to move on and heal?

    -If you knew you couldn’t do anything to create a sense of understanding or closure with this person, what could you do to change how often (and how) you think about it now?

    I hope this helps a little!

    Lori

  • anonymous

    Hi, thank you for replying so fast to my post. Leme explain or rther elaborate a lil more on my situation. The person involved is my sis in law. My husbands brothers wife. We used to live in a large family under one roof. My husband son me n my parents in law still live in d same house while my brother in law and wife have moved out of the country about three years ago. How ever they visit very often which causes a lot of discomfort for me n my husband as there is a lot of cold feelings in the air i guess. Now my mil and i shared a beautiful relationship before my sis in law came along. We were friends before the misunderstandings cropped up n then al of a sudden one day i see her and my mum.in law bitching bout me n.my family. This incident caused a lot of tension in the house and from then on she and i have never spoken. I’ve tried to clear the air with my in laws,however theres still a lot of negativity in the house and although we all live our lives normally theres constant bitchin and cursing from my mum in.laws end about me n my family. I see and talk to her everyday and it hurts all the time dat i trustd an elder woman as my mum and in turn she sat n bitched bout my family to sumone else. Everytime my sis in law n her husband visit my in laws start to behave a lot more stranger than normal,say all sorts of rude things that hurt me and i start to hate them even more. My husbands tried to sort things out but instead it got worse wid my in.laws getin upset over the whole thing. All this has put me in a terrible fix since my husband n i cannot abandone my in laws as they r too old to live on their own. This is why it hurts soo much cause i live this hell everyday. Not a day goes by with my mum in law not reminding me dat theres a lot of anger in her against me. However i have been thinking about this for a while now and when i saw ur blog yday i almost have made up my mind. I shall speak to my sis in law when she visits next time. Mayb jus say a hello,how r u sorta thing to break the ice even though i know she wronged me. And i’ll do this infront of my family so that they are also witness to the fact that i am trying to forgive or atleast change the unpleasent situation. The rest depends a lot on how she reacts. I am really looking forward to an end to this since it causes soo much unhappiness to everyone around us when there are family gatherings etc. Please do tell me if wat i plan to do makes sense at all. I may not be over the bitterness and anger yet but atleast i cud try and make a fresh start. We maynot be best friwnds but atleast we wont be spitting venom either esp in front of our cildren who are too young to understand any of this.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think that sounds like a great plan. The best way to make a fresh start is to first try and clear the air. I hope it goes well for you. You are in my thoughts!

  • trying to be at peace with it

    When me and my husband first started going out 18 yrs ago i knew that he had dated a girl and there was a pregnancy scare but my husband was told it wasn’t his and that’s what he told me because i didn’t want a man who had kids…At all!! Had i known i would have turned away and dated someone else. Now this child is 19 and found my husband thru Facebook and told him she was sure he was the dad. So we got tests done and sure enough he is the father. I understand he would want a relationship with her but at the same time i feel so cheated in life cause this is somethi ng i never wanted and even asked the question before the relationship started. We have 2 sons together and we were happy with a pretty good marriage. If i don’t handle this properly my marriage will fail. How do i be happy with something that i knew from the beginning i would never want in my life but now i have to deal with. Oh and she’s pregnant witch means we have to put more time and energy and money ( wich we don’t have alot off). Im so angry i have to deal this drama in my life…how do i get past this and be happy and supportive to my husband when im so unhappy? I tried forgiving but i still feel anger….maybe im not doing it right. i know im suppose to have a good heart…but i just don’t want this

  • Soto2009

    The person I love the most hurt me so bad that I can’t let it go and I want to but I keep bring it up.and I feel that he will do it again.

  • Acevevdovanessa5

    I jst can’t forgive my sons dad for leaving his 2 day old child for a dirty stripper

  • Process

    Your post helped me. While I was reading it, I was thinking of two people who have really hurt me to where I don’t know what to do with the anger or hurt other than try to numb it, act out on it, or run from it.

    Then I imagined that they might be making posts just like yours.

    Remind yourself that they are not separate from you; they only appear
    that way. Then you will realize you are one, and it is yourself you are
    forgiving. -Justin Hayden

  • Teresa Blalock

     I have a friend who was incarcerated for 10 years because of a heinous lie that an 18 year old girl told about him.  How can he ever forgive her?  The anger, hatred, need for revenge, and total despair that his life is completely ruined ( in his opinion) fuels all of his thoughts of his future.  I have gently advised him, made suggestions, offered alternatives to his thinking, but in the two years he has been imprisoned, he has made no progress at all toward forgiving her, moving past the anger and resentment and working on making changes in himself.  I realize that every day, every minute of his existence is a reminder of what she did to him – basically took away his life, his family, his hope.  I do not need/want questions of his guilt or innocence, why he’s in prison if he’s innocent, details of the allegation – none of that is important.  What is important is that he forgives her and begins to heal and move away from all the hate and bitterness that is killing him even more so than than being in prison.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    My heart goes out to your friend Teresa. A family friend has a son who is incarcerated for a crime we believe he didn’t commit, and it’s just so heart breaking to realize this kind of thing happens. I wish I had some words of wisdom to offer. I hope he is able to make peace with what happened, as difficult as that may be, and maybe even find some sense of purpose during his time there.

  • Treasure

    Did you remind them that your birthday was coming up? Or did you just expect them to remember? I found myself resenting the fact that my husband never gets me flowers. Well then I realized if flowers is what I wanted I would have to tell him to get them! So when our first son was born I said I wanted a dozen roses and sure enough he brought them to the hospital. I haven’t wanted flowers since. If you want your birthday to be remembered then you must go forth and remind people, heck throw a party for yourself! Invite your friends out to celebrate with you.

  • NotForgottenYet

    I have tried and tried and constantly prayed to forgive.  My ex-gf lied to me for 2 yrs about having cancer and I recently saw all her emails from that time period and she was always juggling me around between 2-3 other guys.  I am so gullible that I never even suspected she was cheating and now I feel completely useless.  I’m a big guy and noone would suspect that I would be such a “man pussy” as she used to call me.  I awake in puddles of sweat and I have developed a drinking habit that is beyond repair I fear.  I have always been the forgiving type and I to this day can’t do anything that would hurt someone physically.  I feel as though my heart has been ripped from my chest and can’t seem to pu this wound behind me.  I’m in counseling and I’m taking medicines to help, but this is a hurt I never expected to have to endure.  I love my family and they were very supportive the entire relationship, but dontated large amounts of money to our cause without anyone knowing that the entire relationship was based on a facade. 
    I will keep praying and I hope my supreme being will salvage something if this shell I’ve been left with.
    Pitiful, yeah….pissed…indeed.
    NotForgottenYet

  • Julie

    Marissa
    I am so sorry to hear of the tragic experience you and your family are going through. Try to understand that others actions are a reflection of what they are going through.

    It will be easier to forgive your brother-in-laws ex wife if you pray for her. Pray that she finds happiness and wish her well. Stop dwelling about what she did and concentrate on loving thoughts especially when you are with your husband and his family. Your loving vibes will spread to the rest of your family.

    You are in my prayers
    Julie

  • Anon95

    I am trying to forgive my boyfriend…. for cheating on me in one of the worst times of my life… I am reading these and thinking to myself that I can do this… but then that voice in my head says to me “can you live through that again? Can you deal with everyone laughing at you behind your back while he does it again when you think he is faithful…?” and the pain of the thought of forgiving him hurts me just as bad as the memory itself… Physical, shaking pain…. What am I to do… We have children together…. I love and hate him all at the same time…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. I know it’s not easy to forgive in a situation like this, especially if you fear it might happen again. Have you two considered couples therapy to work through all of this? If you really want to stay with him, this may help you work through the pain and let go. (And individual therapy may help you decide if you really do want to stay with him.)

    There is another post on the site you might find helpful:http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-happiness-tips-for-people-who-have-been-hurt/You are in my thoughts.

    Lori

  • Jasonmusick

    My wife of 10 years has had an affair and a fling recently. She is the most beautiful thing that I have had in my life. She has always made me want to be a better man. It is really hard for me to forgive. I want to so bad. I feel like the life has been ripped out of me. I had to quit my job because it is a dangerous one, and I could not put my co-workers in danger. I have always worked hard and provided for our family but this pain that I feel is overwhelming me. I don’t want that to happen. She is a beautiful mother and friend.
    She forgave me early in our relationship for straying from her The pain I feel now does not compare to the pain I had for hurting her. That was the main reason why I feel in love with her. Her forgiveness saved me and made me want to be a better man and lover.
    My question is , ” How do I forgive her with all this hurt inside of me? “. I don’t want to lose her and what we have done together. Yet this pain is consuming me.
    I want to be strong and forgive but it is hard for me. Please help.
    Jason. Houston, Tx

  • Guest

    Two quotes from Thich Nhat Hanh that I thought might be helpful:

    “Do not fight against pain; do not fight against irritation or jealousy.
    Embrace them with great tenderness, as though you were embracing a
    little baby. Your anger is yourself, and you should not be violent
    toward it. The same thing goes for all your emotions.”

    “The message of our Buddhist practice is simple and clear: “I am here for you.”

  • guest

    About 6 months ago my gf and I broke up. We both spent a month apart and did our own thing. Long story short she went farther than I did, in her defense claiming I broke her heart when I broke up with her. After that month apart we got back together and still are today. We both made mistakes and forgave each other. However, I would be lying if visuals of her with this other guy didn’t haunt me daily. I love this girl more than anything and she is very loyal, but this constant visual really is getting in the way. I just read this article for the first time today and can already see what a difference it’s making on my mindset. I can’t thank you enough.

  • Another Guest

    I was put in a very compromising situation by my boyfriend (who, before being my boyfriend was my best friend for years). He knew he had an STD and chose to have sex with me during times when he didn’t have an “outbreak,” thinking that as long as there was no outbreak, he wasn’t putting me at risk for transmission. There were a few unprotected encounters. He eventually told me about his condition, said he wanted me to know and that he knew he should have told me a long time ago. I was tested, and I’m fine.

    I know he’s remorseful, he’s apologized, owned and admitted his wrong, never pressured me to take him back, he started seeing a therapist to work through this (and other issues), etc. It’s been a year now. I forgive him and now want to reconcile, but something in me feels like I shouldn’t want reconciliation because he did such a bad thing by putting my sexual health at risk.

    My question/issue is a little different from everyone else’s. i actually WANT to not only forgive him but reconcile with him, but I feel like I SHOULDN’T want reconciliation because of the severity of the offense. Like he doesn’t “deserve” to be my friend again, even though I want the friendship back. I am also worried that if i choose to reconcile, my family/friends will never accept him because they know his offense and its severity….  Any guidance/advice?

  • Tieshad31

    Wow…….I really need to have read this!

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m glad it helped! =)

  • Jason Musick

    We have separated just recently. Our little boys Birthday part is today. He is 8. I feel so up and down. I really don’t know how I am going on. My friends and family are very supportive. I want her back so much. I want my life back. When I’m around her there are so many emotions that run though me. Emotions I did not knew I have had. Yesterday I realized why people kill their selves. ( don’t worry, that is not in my future ), but the fact is that I know. My wife has no remorse for her actions, just guilt. It burns me deep inside for someone I love so much to not want me. I know she loves me and cares. Yet it is not the same. We made love at least 5 times since she told me of her actions. I put everything into my love for her, but her return love was not there. I feel that I have given so much and have had my wife, sons and home ripped from my life. I felt a stranger from my own children and my wife. A stranger in my our own home.
    This anger rises in me every so often, but I beat it down with my passion for life.
    The good news about my life is that my favorite niece is going to have a baby. Babies make everything better. I can’t wait to behold such magnificent beauty. I have to remind myself why life is so precious. I have to be strong. I have to succeed for my boys so they do not have to fight for what they deserve!
    Yet this woman makes me weak. Weak like the dark.
    I pray to fulfill my destiny.
    I pray for love.

  • Jason

    My wife and I are meeting tomorrow. I realized that I have broken my vows to her since the beginning. I have not cherished her like a good husband should. Her heart is hard towards me and the bitterness is deep with in her.
    I was so blind, def and dumb to her over the years. I pray to God that he will make her heart soft again. I Pray to God that HE can turn that bitterness out of her. I love her so much. I hurt her so bad. I pray that she forgives me.

  • devastated in wiltshire

    PARTNER OF TWO YRS, BABY OF 8 MTHS – TELLS ME HE HAS A 12 YR OLD HE FOUND OUT ABOUT 2.5 YRS AGO!
    i have an 8 month old baby with my partner whom i adore – fiance of a year, together for 2 . I also have a step daughter who is 7 and such a lovely good little girl. Everything was perfect, we live a pretty simple life but definately one full of love, he is a good man something everyone knows and sees when they meet him or already know him – i am 31 he is 44 and at 29 having had 2 long term relationships i had never been happy to move in with either of them nor accept a marriage proposal – we however moved in together at 4 months and were pregnant at 8 months fast i know but -and not a single person who knew either of us thought otherwise-, when you know, you know.
    2 days ago he dropped a bombshell and told me that 2.5 yrs ago ( 6 mths before we met) he found out he is the father of another child. he found out when the child was 9. he tells me he has essentially buried, it in only a way a man can. he tells me he couldnt tell me when i was pregnant – yes fine and to be honest glad for obvious reasons, he then felt well how can i tell her now, whilst we have our new little girl to dote on so that left him 8 mths when we first got together . . i appreciaite our child wasnt planned ( but from day one both excited) however he had 8 mths! we had from the very start a convo about children as i at the time was 29 and no children and he 42 and one child – it was an obvious convo to have. the way i see it is he should have told me before i moved in. Given me the choice based on all the facts including the one he was ashamed of. He says he was scared of losing me as the truth – he had two children by 2 different woman would not have been exactly appealing and was certain i would have left- for me though as i wasnt given the choice, how am i to know what id have done or how id have felt – i certainly didnt sign up to my little girl having to have 2 half sister and knowing daddy had them and her with 3 differnent woman – its the kind of thing jerry springer and the like is made of – something that we, are family and friends are not.
    i know that despite this massive mistake he has made he IS a good man but the feeling of betrayl coupled with the embarrasment i will at somepoint feel when its ‘out’ is over whelming. He is not, NOT the type of guy you would expect this from. He really has just made a mistake – a HUGE HUGE one. How do i possibly forgive and forget something that will be with us the rest of our lives should we stay together?

  • da real mrs parker

    this is very beneficial to me… i never relized that i could actually hurt myself not forgiving.. i know that it is going to be very hard because i have been holding on to this anger for over 6mths… i have actually started hating the person ( my husband) that wronged me… and the person he wronged me with i hate her even more…. but i dont want to be punished or even hurt for not forgiving so this post has really opened my eyes as to what i need to start doing to try and attempt to forgive my husband… i no it is going to be very hard because this adultry has sucked thelife out of me i barely eat sleep or smile.. and its crippling me all i do is stay home and lay down or watch tv or search the internet… and i have learned that the reason that god has not answered any of my prayers is because i havent forgiven the people that wrongged me through this post i have learned that in order for me to be blessed and have my prayers answered i need to forgive… so to the arthur thank you for this post… i really needed to read it….

  • Molly

    Hi Lori,
    I came across this post after looking for ways to forgive someone who has hurt me greatly.

    Although I did not see it at that time, I am 100% convinced that this person was a sociopath and thus feels absolutely no remorse. The actions of this person caused me to lose my unborn child and over this, I mourn every single day.
    I do not know how to forgive this person for what he has done to me. I do not feel it is as simple as seeing him as a normal ‘man’ as he is far from that, as proven by his actions. I feel he is hardly human. What sort of human has no conscience?
    Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
    Thanks
    Molly

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Molly,

    I am so sorry to learn about your miscarriage. I’m not sure I know how to advise you, since I can only begin to imagine what this was like for you.

    There’s another post on the site that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-difference-between-forgiving-and-forgetting/

    You are in my thoughts!

    Lori

  • Anon

    I am currently faced with the question – is it necessary to continue the relationship with my parents? Is that forgiveness? or is forgiveness simply enjoying the peace I feel for no longer thinking ill of them and in no longer feeling angry for past hurts? My reason for not wanting them in my life today is because after 39 yrs I no longer hope for change I get that they are who they are, its ok, but is it necessary to put myself in their environment? Isnt that insanity? The words “don’t go away mad, just go away” keep playing in my ears lol.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I think those are both forms of forgiveness. If you know you’re happier for not maintaining active relationships, but you no longer harbor ill will toward them, than that sounds like forgiveness to me.

  • Anon

    Thanks Lori! Glad to have found your website.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • A forgiving Swede

    I know this is an old thread but anyways, I just wanted to share something that helped my to overcome my feelings of anger and sadness

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyQ5ZSMENF0

    As cruel as it might seem, I agree with the saying that everything happens for a reason – see it from your own point of view: Chances are you will emerge as a stronger person with more self-esteem and more self confident!

  • pooija

    ya kya ho ki sa ho kyu ho ki ba ho
    ]

  • Monkey

    Kk my friend is willing to forgive me as long as I do something for him but don’t know what to do so any ideas

  • Anzmo

    I have tears in my eyes as I want to forgive some one, but I haven’t been able to mostly because not only did they hurt me they hurt my mom too and I can’t let that go.. I know that’s the issue that I have and y I get so angry and irritable at anything but I don’t know how to let it go.. I’m crying typing this… I think I need a therapist but I don’t trust people I write here because well no one knows who I am but any way thank you for your posts.. I want to forgive and that’s the first step right?
    I sure hope so..

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m so sorry that you’re going through such pain right now. I know you mentioned you’re hesitant to get a therapist, but I would highly recommend it if you can push yourself to try it. I was in therapy for years when I was younger, and I don’t think I’d have moved beyond my earlier struggles without it. Are you open to trying just one session?

  • whiterose

    how can someone you love forgive you for being manipulative and a wrong-doer in the relationship? can someone help me please?? i love this girl so much and i want her back in my life. all i need is one more chance to prove to her that I am sincerely begging for her forgiveness. I want her so bad! it really hurts me to see her loving someone else. It is a matter of now and forever. please help! i will do everything and give anything to make her mine. :(((

  • Jules

    My resentment for my ex has lasted me a whole year. I’ve been burning myself because I still love him. I can’t seem to forgive him and at this point, I’m starting to believe I never knew what love was since I can’t get past this. I feel such dissapointment when I begin to think I’ve wasted 6 years of my life.

  • HurtBeyondRepair

    Heartache, pain, loss, and more … I can’t see myself getting past some things though I really want to … here is my story … can someone help?

    I was happily married, had twins on the way, just bought a house and was still on cloud 9. I watched my children, a boy and girl, take their first breath of air and then I understood what true love really was, the love for my children.

    A few months later my father, and childhood hero, almost died in a horrible motorcycle accident. He was left in coma for 6 months with extensive brain damage. On the day of my fathers accident, I took my family to see my father in the hospital, praying it wasn’t as bad as I heard. After a few days I had to return to work; so I took my family home while my father remained in critical care.

    Three days after my return home, my daughter begins turning blue in her crib one morning. My wife rushed her to the ER, I left work early to be by her side as well. After 30 hours of watching my baby girl become a human pincushion, wires and tubes going in and out of her every orifice, including her little arms and legs … even wires attached to her head monitoring brain waves, I felt even more helpless than I did with my father.

    The doctors then informed us that it was Group B Streptococcal Meningitis attacking my daughters little brain. We watched in horror as she slipped further and further away. At last, while her mother and I were holding our baby girl, she took her last breath in our arms … I watched my baby girl die and could do nothing for her.

    My wife and I tried to help one another, but our pain was so much different from one another Insanity caused me to lose my job and my wife lost hers. We received eviction notices on the house and bills kept piling up. Finally after months of fighting uncontrollably, I caught her in a affair with my best-friend of 10 years so she left me for him (mind you, my father is still in coma). After a month of her staying with him, she asked to come back. Reluctantly, I agreed and we went to therapy/counselling and I still could not forgive her… I just moved forward hoping time would help because I knew I loved her.

    My father finally wakes, and his therapy is extensive due to his brain injury. Eventually we both get a job and struggle to get out of debt. We both bounce from job to job due to economic reasons and for a year continue to bicker and argue.

    Later, my mother gets murdered by a family member and she was the primary care giver of her father, my grandfather. He was the second greatest man I knew, next to my father, and he has Alzheimer’s Dementia and he cannot care for himself and there is no way I will put that great of a man in a rest home. I am the last of his bloodline that is willing and able to care for him, so now I move my family in the midst of our struggles to care for him while not given time to grieve for my mother.

    After struggling to get my life in order, take care of my grandfather, take care of my son, forgive my wife, deal with the fact that my father will never fully recover, accept the loss of my daughter and mother, yet things continue to get worse. I catch my wife in another affair and open up a can of worms that show she has had more than just two. She has slept with 7 men after the loss of our daughter and two was within the window after my mother.

    I can not handle any more. All of this in less than 3 years. I have hurt more in 3 years than most do in a life time. She claims it’s an addiction and says she wants me to stay with her because she is in love with me. The therapist agrees and she has to go to groups and read books.

    As for me, my heart as been ripped out to many times. I can not forgive the man that murdered my mom, forgive my wife, forgive myself for taking my daughter to the hospital when I knew I shouldn’t have, forgive this supposed god that everyone tells me loves me yet allows all of this to happen, forgive my family and friends for abandoning me when I needed them most …. I just can’t.

    I am alone, just my son and grandfather, struggling to care for them and I can not even care for myself… I’ve been asked why I haven’t killed myself long ago … and my answer is my son, he is the only thing that ties me to this world.

    How can I forgive so many people, things and events? Honestly, I still haven’t given the whole story because I’d have to write a novel. I haven’t felt any emotions except pain, hurt, anger, and sadness for over 8 months… I’ve tried.

    Any words of advice? Yes, I am in counseling, but thus far it hasn’t helped. What else is there to do?

    Hurt Beyond all Repair.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there,

    I just read through your comment, and honestly I am at a loss for words. I can’t even imagine what these few years have been like for you. To have dealt with so much tragedy, and in such a short timeframe. I don’t know that I have any advice for moving forward. I would feel irresponsible in offering any, knowing that I am not a professional. Have you considered (or are you already) seeking professional help from a therapist? Perhaps it would help to do that, or join some type of support group for other people dealing with loss and betrayal.

    If I can do anything to help, please let me know!

    Lori

  • Kj

    I have never felt such complete hatred and resentment toward another person as I have the over the past year. What I’ve learned for myself going through this is that the more I hate this person, the more I resent this person, and the more I resist forgiveness, the less power I have within myself to stop the bad thinking patterns, to stop fabricating the “if only’s” and the “what if’s”. It’s extremely difficult doing what it takes to turn the corner, climb the mountain, or break through to the other side even when you finally have all the right people in your corner giving you advise, cheering you up, and cheering you on. It’s a very lonely feeling sometimes, you think you’re alone, the only one, and at the same time you know you aren’t. I know I’ll win eventually, I feel it. I just don’t know when, or how much longer it’ll take to be okay.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1775438839 Jodie La Reina

    I really like your post , I wish I could learn to forgive. Its very difficult for me ,I did not grow up in a loving family . I was sexually abused by my father, and grandfather, they have both now past away . The pain they left clouds my judgement ,. I am very protective of my daughter , she is my everything and it hurts me to see my family letting their daughters also get molested and sexually abused , and do not do a thing to change . Change the type of men they date or also being addicted to drugs . I feel that it affects me because I went though that. What I admire from my cousins who have been though the same is that they have forgiven those people , or at least I think they have , there attitude is very bubbly and always laughing and smiling. I do most the time but inside I have this sorrow this pain this anger this hate . What can I do to let go , I am eating myself up from the inside I feel like I have not much left of me .When I try to forgive and forget new stuff comes and adds to the pain. My sister told me she did not consider me her sister anymore , so that hurt more than anything else that had been done to me , because we shared a bond . we shared the pain of growing up in the same situation, she is only 1 year older than me , I was 9 when this started happening to me.. we were seperated from my moms family after my moms death I was 5 , so we didnt see them, I just most recently had contact with them . After the 2 months of seeing them my moms , mom, died of cancer . I frequented them often , my cousins daughter has leukemia , so I bought her to my house once to give her a break take her shopping and treat her to just relax. Well she ended up sleeping with 1 of my cousins (dads side) behind my back , shes 17 and had a 2 year old daughter. Well to make long story short I got blamed for what she did, and my moms sister told me to forget I ever met them , and that my mother would be ashamed of me . this tore my heart , which was just starting to heal when I found them because I thought I had hope and love with them , so, what should I do ? what can I expect for myself and my daughter?…I feel lonely I feel unloved. and I do push my family away , because they do drugs or have a spouse that does drugs or abuses them. Should ai tolerate this around my daughter ? Should I expose her to this , It really hurts me and I don’t ever want her to hurt because of me not properly taking care of her. Can you please give me an outside opinion , other than my family , that also judges me and critisizes me because I protect my daughter. Thanks and again i love this post

  • Mello 1989

    i need help. i am so hurt and angry with my sister in law nd her husband. its been a while and i cannot let it go. i have never been treated so poorly. and it hurts more that they play this blame game and refuse to talk things out, now my poor husband is caught up in the middle of this stupid angry mess between his wife and sister. i cannot seem to let it go. she will not apologize she truly believes in her heart that i am the one in the wrong. i have countlessly apologized (sincerely) for my behavior. i think i EXPECT an apology from her and im sure it wont happen. HELP

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Mello,

    I’m so sorry about the pain you’re in right now. How can I help?

    Lori

  • Richard

    Matt Child’s “Give up all hope of a better past” REALLY struck a chord with me. I realised, that when I indulge in mental fantasies about how the past might have gone i am quite literally wasting my time and energy. Matt… If you’re out there. Thank you :)

  • Nuwan

    The way I learned to forgive was by coming to a realization:

    –Anger/Resentment always hurts you in the long run–

    Once I came to this realization, I always made/make sure to forgive people. I don’t want to carry around all that hate and hurt myself, it just sucks. I came to the conclusion that no matter how much someone hurts, nothing is worth hurting yourself via pain and hate.

  • Casey

    I want nothing more than forgiveness at this time of my life. I hurt my girlfriend so badly and I didn’t know it would be possible because I have the best of intentions. I’m so in love with her and I want her back but she says it just cant work. I never tried to hurt her, but she was the first girl I ever loved. So just remember that if you’re holding onto anger and you love the person and know they love you, its best to forgive them even if it takes time. Heck, I pray I’ll have another chance every day, and the memories and regret kill me inside. I feel worse knowing how bad I hurt her

  • dean wright

    to forgive someone is a real epiphany. a relief like taking a lead jacket off…
    you must first understand the person of your focus cant help what they do.
    they are struggling with their own issues too.
    put yourself in their shoes, look at the world through their eyes. thats the hard bit, but it helps you if you want to forgive.
    remember them when they were the apple of your eye, everything was perfect and what a lovely person they were. remember how they could do no wrong.
    understand and forgive that person and do yourself a favour by saying it out loud.
    say to yourself ”its not their fault, they cant help it, they know not what they do”.
    you cant blame a scorpian for being a scorpian. roses have thorns.
    most people are very similar, but some cant communicated what they feel as well as others and end up misleading their partners without realising.
    all people feel guilt and shame when they knowingly hurt someone close and theres a good chance they do too. most people are good inside and you must except they are too.
    whether its though fear of commitment. or fear of honest communcation, they have their reasons and choose to keep it to themselves. leaving their partners lost, alienated, angry, jealous, frustrated and confused…
    this doesnt make them a bad person. let them know you have forgiven them, its important.
    i thought my ex lover had mental issues for years and just wanted to hurt me for no apparent reason, i loved her and kept going but thinking it would be fine.
    im so much happier i found this way to forgive.
    but like the puppy that chews your shoes,
    the child that wets his bed
    they must be forgiven for what they are..
    you MUST repeat this exercise daily for a week, then weekly for it to be maintained, then it will become engrained in your thoughts. its an exercise just like push ups you need to do them for a while befor the benifits show.

  • Mastabast

    In general i agree with all your points, and I consider myself a forgiving person. But what if it’s about forgiving your stepfather for hitting you as a child? How can I forgive him that? I feel no remorse towards him in any way.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know that’s a tough one, and I actually wrote another post that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-relationship-with-a-loved-one-who-has-hurt-you/

    Now, the other side of this equation is that we don’t have to maintain relationships with people who’ve hurt us, but I think perhaps some of the info in here might help you with this situation.

  • lost

    how to forgive how do i ive being in a 7y relation ship and the 6th year my bf. got mental ill tryed ending his life i saved him… i tryed to live with the scars of it then it turned to me.. he has physically. hurts. me and mentally he now says the2. mind. person he has the bad deals with the good. and the other side has being defeated.. i am so lost i want to forgive because the love i have for him kills me but i don’t wana want to killed we also have a 2 year old daughter together what do i do help please …

  • mishka

    That actually makes sense. I am trying to forgive but it is difficult.

  • Jason Hill

    I also carried around a lot of resentment and anger for things that happened in my childhood. I knew I couldn’t change the past, but I was still hurting because of it. When I learned that forgiveness was really an act of self love and that I could choose to let go of my pain, my life began to change. I no longer hold on to the past. Bad things did happen, but I am no longer the helpless child. I love myself enough that I can forgive and move forward in life.
    http://learninghowtoforgive.blogspot.com

  • http://www.facebook.com/rmalin1 Rick Malin

    I have 3 sons that I hurt saying things I should have not ever said I I have to ask for forgiveness of my sons are letting me see my grandson and granddaughte my own son I have not seen in 3 years I’ve asked for His forgivenes my son has 2 daughters and 1 son he will not let me see I have learned how to let go past but I cannot seem to get him to let go of the past my 2 younger ones I have are ready for getting me it’s just always 1 it’s been to Iraq and Afghanistan He’s been back Afghanistan he will not forgive me in Spanish 3 years I love each and every 1 of my grandkids What do I do

  • No 1

    Hello in by sure if I wanna forgive my close cousin we had rows and tips but i really wanna talk to her but I’m shy

  • HurtBeyondRepair

    Hello Lori,

    it’s HurtBeyondRepair.

    Yes, I have been seeing a professional counselor/therapist for a while now. No, I do not feel it has done any good. The counselor referred to me as an, ‘emotional block of ice’ meaning at this point I have not been dealing with, handling things, or expressing myself normally and feels I should seek anger management.

    The sad thing is, I do not express much anger at all. In fact, it’s more like the Adam Sandler movie where he had to have anger management to get angry, if you know what I mean.

    Oh well, I guess I am on my own trying to figure out this f-ed up situation. It’s not like many people can relate and tell me how they handled their situation.

    Regardless, I want to thank you for listening and giving your support.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re welcome. If I can help in any way, please let me know.

  • Angie

    As I’m sitting here reading and crying, I’m trying to figure out how to forgive. My quick story: My fiance was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. During an Xray two years ago, this cancer was found in it’s infancy. I begged him for those two years to deal with it. He just went through with it because he’s getting sick. 50/50 chance he’ll make eight months and I’m having a really hard time forgiving him.

  • Namaste

    Hello everyone,,

    I’ve read many posts today and they couldn’t have come at a better time. I’m 25 years old and after reading this post, am beginning to understand that at some point in our lives we all must have our hearts broken.

    I’m currently in a relationship with the love of my life. The past year has been extremely turbulent and equally euphoric. 5 weeks ago, we split up. It was ugly. Since then we have reconciled and for the better. We are different people now and I definitely feel it.

    A few days ago, I stumbled across something to suggest that my partner was cheating on me and some point this year. I was in total shock and it has completely rattled my world, especially since we have made such progress. The past couple of months I have delved further in an introspective journey. I have not yet shared my discovery with my partner, but instead have sought ways for forgiveness. Something that has never come easy to me.

    While it pains me to continue on as normal, I have found it somewhat liberating owning my feelings. The hurt, the betrayal, the questions. Oh, the questions! I will share this with my partner, but for now I have made the decision to explore this alone. I have identified that unconditional love and forgiveness is truly the way for inner peace. While my emotions may overwhelm me, it is important for us to remember not to punish ourselves, to return to the centredness of our Being.

    I truly wish that anybody reading this will try to be gentle with themselves. I am finding it one of the hardest things to do, always being strong and resilient has left me totally out of my comfort zone but embrace it! Even in moments of despair, listen to the tiny voice that says, “I will be ok”. Allow yourself moments of anguish but don’t let them define you. Use them as a transformative tool. You will benefit immensely from it.

    I hope sharing my post will help some of you. I feel so comforted knowing that I am not alone in this struggle, and neither are you.

    Much love and blessings,
    Namaste

  • Missb

    I am having trouble forgiving as well my sons father cheated on me and wasn’t there for me since i got pregnant with my son he is now almost ten month’s old. He promised to try for our son and didn’t and when my son was five weeks old he had his ex around my son they discussed how he would call her mimi i was so hurt BC i just wanted this family to work i had tried so hard and dealt with so much only to see he lied so much the entire time. He lied about not coming home to me n our son it all hurts so much…….now i don’t want to be around him at all….. I feel like i hate him so much for everything and i also feel like if i forgive him im saying it was all OK. The hard part is we have a son together and he wants to be in his life but i don’t want him around i know its best for my son to have him around but i cant help but feel i need my space from him to move on…..i told him i wanted to dispute everything in court and not communicate till then which could take up to three month’s just so i have time to move on but i know its not fair to keep his son from him for that long but all i feel is he deserves it if he loved his son he would’ve tried i cant help but wanna punish him and it really hits close to home bc my dad never tried to make a family work for me and it hurt,I dont know how to not hate him and get along for our son.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I am so sorry to hear about your experiences with your son’s father. I can understand what you’d feel a sense of inner conflict. I think it’s wonderful you’re thinking about what’s best for your son, as I know a lot of people who haven’t been able to even consider that when dealing with their anger and pain at the person who mistreated them. I suspect time will help a great deal. It generally does. You are in my thoughts!

  • jason

    I do believe forgiveness is something we do for ourselves. But its also for others as well. We all benefit from love, compassion, and acts of kindness.

  • TJ

    My Partner has a PPD and will not accept this. We have a young baby. One night after late feed when my partner was in bed asleep, our daughter fell asleep downstairs. Rather than wake my partner I stayed downstairs with her only for my partner to wake up in a panic, coming down asking me why I am not in bed? When I replied I was letting her sleep she replied I cannot do that and that I am just trying to keep baby from her. From there on she started to say things like I was interfering with the Mother baby bonding and continued to distance herself from me more and more with baby eventually not allowing me even hold our child. I finally left home because my Partners two other children under 13 were also becoming uncomfortable with situation in the home. I sought help everywhere from professionals for all to agree my Partner needs help but that she must ask for help herself. I have lost my family because my Partner wont allow me any access to our daughter or her own two children who had started to call me DAD. Please, what would convince my Partner of my Loyalty to her and children and how can I convince my Partner seek help to overcome her Paranoid Personality Disorder??

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi TJ,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through with your partner. It’s always tough when you know someone needs help but they won’t admit it. There’s another post on the site that may be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-help-someone-who-wont-help-themselves/

    These are some ideas from the community on how to help someone who won’t help themselves.

    You are in my thoughts!
    Lori

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Angie,

    I am so sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I am at a loss for words. I hope you have good friends and family to lean on during this difficult time. You are in my thoughts.

    Lori

  • Ladyjane

    I can’t forgive! He hurt my child and my family then betrayed me? How do I forgive?

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I am so sorry to hear about what happened. I think it sometimes to help to know that forgiving doesn’t have to mean forgetting. There is another post on the site that might actually be helpful to you:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/the-difference-between-forgiving-and-forgetting/

    I hope this helps a little!

  • lovely

    Thank you for postings this article is helping me as I travel on my journey of forgiveness

  • Nadja

    What I think about is why? Why do you think they would do what they did to hurt you? Why are you feeling this angry? and also Why do you think you are better than they are? I am recently trying to forgive someone for hurting me. When I last talk to them I thought of the worst things I could say and said it to them. At the time it felt great, but now I realized what I did was wrong. Hurting another does not make it right, it will hurt your own soul in the end.

  • Intoxicunt

    I find the best way to forgive someone when they’ve done me wrong is to think of how I may benefit from their actions in the long run. I’m thankful to everyone in my past for helping make me into who I am, including the ones I had so much trouble forgiving at the time.

  • Anonymous

    * Wonderful in the eyes of the Lord * Christ is between all,to let us to see and experience how much we are wonderful in His eyes,living by the will of the God
    * Praise the Lord * Let the God bless,heals and protect him * Amen *

  • jenniffer

    Hello am Jeniffer from UK i wanna thank Dr Paloma for what he has done for me at first i taught he was scam but until i just decided to follow my mind.i told him that my ex lover which i loved with all my heart left me for another all Dr Paloma did was to laugh and said he will be back to me in 3days time i taught he was lying on the 3rd day my ex called me and said he wanna see me,i was shocked then he came over to my place and started begging that he was bewitched,immediately i forgives him and now we are back and he his really madly in love with me.All thanks to Dr Paloma he indeed wonderful incise you wanna contact him here his is private mail palomaspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • jenniffer

    Hello am Jeniffer from UK i wanna thank Dr Paloma for what he has done for me at first i taught he was scam but until i just decided to follow my mind.i told him that my ex lover which i loved with all my heart left me for another all Dr Paloma did was to laugh and said he will be back to me in 3days time i taught he was lying on the 3rd day my ex called me and said he wanna see me,i was shocked then he came over to my place and started begging that he was bewitched,immediately i forgives him and now we are back and he his really madly in love with me.All thanks to Dr Paloma he indeed wonderful incise you wanna contact him here his is private mail palomaspelltemple@yahoo.com

  • sd

    How do I forgive myself? I made a mistake years ago…but my mistake will, someday impact another, innocent person’s life. I cannot forgive myself for setting this person up for such heartache…

  • cecille..phils..

    we have the same situation..i dont understand why married men always cheat their wife..if they love there family they can nver hurt them..right? prayer is the most important weapon..

  • http://www.facebook.com/vicnagda Vishal Nagda

    When you forgive someone, don’t stop there. Learn to ‘Forgive and Forget’. When the same person hurts you again, if you still have the last incident in your mind, the anger will be more. It’s like a recurring deposit scheme which will keep on increasing and one day the anger will reach a point of no return, like a volcano which has to blast. Then, it will be very difficult to forgive. So, follow the simple mantra of ‘Forgive and Forget’ so that you are always at peace with yourself and people around you. It works for me. I am sure it will work for you too. – Vishal Nagda

  • Daniel Kinney

    You’ve been hurt. No, you’ve really been hurt badly. Now you are left in tatters, at your lowest point in life. You look around in disbelief, wondering what happened. At first you may have a hard time believing that such a horrible event could have taken place. It is as if you are living in a bizarre dream state where nothing makes sense. People are going on with their lives while you struggle to simply get out of bed and live. You feel like you are on a rollercoaster of numbness and pain. And when you get to a point where you realize that you must try to pick up the pieces, panic sets in. You ask yourself so many questions. How in the world do you start life over after you have been destroyed? Can you do it when you are damaged or disabled? What is left for you?

    You may have been the victim of child abuse or rape. The spouse you loved so much may have beaten you and made you feel insignificant. Your partner of many years could have simply just up and left, leaving you with nothing. Or worse yet, you may have lost someone most precious to murder.

    Whatever your tragedy, eventually you must go through a grieving and healing process. As hard as it was to hit bottom, you will come to find that crawling your way out of the pit is equally as hard. Some even find it more difficult than the tragedy itself. Grieving and healing is a slow, slow process that cannot be hurried or skipped. The excruciating nature of it all can make you simply want to run away and become someone new. Some people try this route, but they only put off the inevitable. You have to face your life. You can only hide for so long.

    As you find yourself going through the motions, you might conclude that you seem to be getting nowhere. No matter how hard you try, you simply cannot get past what life has thrown at you. Some days you just don’t care. Other days you try very hard, but progress is painstakingly slow. This is normal. Remember, you suffered a life altering and devastating event. You are not the same person you once were, and you cannot act the same way you once did because you are changed. Finding out your identity is part of your journey. The important thing to know is that going through this process is like pulling teeth. It seems to go on forever, but eventually you will find yourself feeling a little better, and in some ways, you can find peace.

    With time, you come to realize that you are moving forward, and it is usually at this point that someone will ask about forgiveness. At some point in your grieving process, someone, somewhere, will ask you if you forgive. Do you forgive your rapist? Do you forgive your father or mother? Could you forgive your spouse?

    Though society pressures you to forgive the person who wronged you, the truth is that forgiving may be the worst thing you can do. Many religions and therapies focus on forgiving a perpetrator so that the victim can ‘move on.’ The goal is to make sure that the victim does not become fixated on the hurt. This element is critical because if you become completely obsessed with your victimization, you will not be able to function. That is a fact. Fixating freezes you.

    However, forgiveness is not something that just happens. Some people find it helpful to release their anger while others find the idea disgusting. I have dealt with my share of parents of murdered children and victims of sex crimes. Though many find a way to move forward in life, forgiveness truly eludes them. This does not make them bad people. This just means that it is not healing for them at this time.

    It may be surprising to learn how many people will pressure survivors to forgive a perpetrator. This was an element to being a profiler that I never expected. Survivors and those left behind after a murder are preyed upon and used more often than you would think. Family members tell them that if they don’t forgive, then they are going to Hell. In some cases, I’ve seen families turn their backs on victims of sexual abuse because the victims wouldn’t go along with the program and keep their mouths shut. They are told to forgive their attackers and let it go. If they cannot do so, then they are banished from the family unit. I’ve also seen women who stand up to their abusive lovers only to be eventually cut off by their children because they won’t simply forgive and let bygones be bygones.

    So victims can lose their families, their children, and are even threatened with their souls if they can’t find a way to forgive. Under such pressure, victims will give in and comply. They say they have forgiven when in their hearts they have not. They went along with what they thought would be an easier path only to find that they had made things more stressful. With time, they see that not only haven’t they forgiven, but now, they are trapped by their words. After all, they have said they forgave and were moving on. They are accused of dredging up the past should they speak out, so back to isolation they go. In these cases, victims have told me that they felt dirty after saying something that wasn’t true in order to smooth things over. They felt that they betrayed their true emotions, and saying the words made them fall into deeper depression.

    Forgiveness comes from within. It is not something that can be forced. Either you can do it or you can’t. If you cannot, then don’t think that you are a bad person or that you failed in some way. In some cases, forgiveness is just not possible. You may learn not to despise the perpetrator, but saying you forgive can be hollow if that is not what you truly feel. Don’t give in to peer pressure. Don’t say you forgive someone when you don’t. It won’t make you feel better, and it won’t make your life easier. On the contrary, it is not about making your life easier when someone asks you to forgive. The purpose behind the question of forgiving is to make the person asking the question feel better.

    For some, they want you to forgive because it will make family functions seem normal. Others will push it on you if your trauma is interfering in their lives. If you would just forgive, then life could get back to what it once was. Then there is always the unconscious desire to be forgiven. At some point in life, everyone makes mistakes, and we all want forgiveness. If we hear someone say that he can’t forgive, does that mean that we will not be forgiven if we make a mistake?

    For some people, forgiving is a way of freeing themselves, and it acts as a catalyst for healing. They are able to honestly say and mean the words, and for them, this made their lives better. However, others can’t bring themselves to forgive as they don’t feel that it brings them any relief. Such people are being honest about their true feelings, and honesty in feeling is the best policy.

    If you find yourself in this quandary, remember that only you can make this decision. This is one area where you have control. With time you may find it in your heart to forgive, or you may not. As you work through your healing process you find the things that bring peace and light into your life. How you feel is how you feel, and no one can dictate that to you no matter how hard he or she tries. Your heart is your own. Your spirit is your own. Your growth is your own.

    And on a final note, there is a truth that can give you comfort. That truth is that the more you are active, the less time you will have to focus on negativity. You can find your way out of the tunnel if you just keep taking baby steps. And one day you may even find that not only have you found some peace, but you may have made a positive difference in the world.

  • Daniel Kinney

    I posted that because I am so sick of humans telling others what the word forgiveness means to them and how we should do what they did. No one can tell anyone how or when to use that word forgive. I am 45 years old and at the age of nine i was molested by my mothers 2nd husband for the next 9 years until I was 18. Not once has anyone showed me how to forgive because u cannot. When I read this article finally something in life made some sense to me after the the pain of being molested one day to being beat the next not sure which I would get when I woke up the the next day! I ran from home at 14 thinking my aunts Pentecostal church 600 miles away would solve the problem but a child molester Sunday school teacher molested me in my sleep at his home at 14. So I lost all hope of faith and now after trying to kill myself leaving me in a coma for 7 days after trying to overdose I am still alive. But I am so tired of people using the term HELL if we don’t find forgiveness. And that its ourself we need to forgive. It’s a bunch of crap. I am now in therapy using the courage to heal workbook. This is my 2 nd attempt to therapy. The 1 st time was at age 25 and that’s when I tried to overdose. I took 31 elevile on top of cocaine and beer a six pack and to,d god I was checking out! Closed my eyes and said if u send me to hell for what they did to me then I guess that’s where I’m going I woke up 7 days later had only 20% chance of surviving I was supposed to be a vegetable but I’m ok. For some reason this universe would not let me go. I tried and had it all planned and bought the 8 ball of cocaine to be able to be high enough to take the drugs and leave. Cocaine numbs u real good and u could fly off a building and not care using an 8 ball in just a few hours ! Yet here I am. So I’m giving it another chance at therapy but humans can’t use their experiences to tell me to forgive. Nor can I use my child hood tragedy to tell another what to do with that word. I will never attempt to tell another what to do with their pain. Each will have a different journey. I’m still single by choice because he took my sexuality , he took my virginity and my mind and toyed with me like a rag doll. And my mother knew because he molested my sister and when she ran away and never came back because my mother did nothing he came after me. My mom let him come back into our home after he confessed to their pastor in front of my sister and mother what he did to my sister. Her excuse to me was I didn’t think he would molest one of my boys. Bull crap i do not accept that ! My parents are cowards and my mother I found out was molested by her father and uncle. So abuse is a generational curse that must be stopped. I vowed that I will not tolerate it in my life and if I see it or hear of anyone hurting another child I will make sure they r prosecuted ! I don’t know what tomorrow holds but I’m here tonight I will try again tomorrow to get up and face one more day. ,! But that article I posted is some very good advice. Please pass it on and learn something from it. Because ur pain does not give you the right to tell someone else what or how to deal with theirs

  • Daniel Kinney

    That word forgiveness is used like the word love is being used today way to much and if its not really used properly and for real why even say it! Don’t use it to p,ease others and disrespect yourself to make life easier on the ones who have committed the crime but use it only when u truly mean it. People say i love you and the word love has so many different meanings and its over used and not meant when its being said. Our society is trying to get us as religion is to use that word forgiveness out of the fear they place on us if we don’t conform. God knows your heart and what you are thinking so if u r not being honest wi that word forgivesness guess what???? He knows it. So whats the point! Stop trying to please man or the church or your religion or your mother or ur siblings if u don’t mean it ur damaging yourself even more. Be honest with yourself and tell others what you truly feel. We are taught to shove the crap under the rug because its so dirty to tell the truth of how you were damaged. But drug addicts can talk openly about the drugs and the parties and the sex they had on drugs and the alcoholics can sure talk about their addiction to wine and beer and liquor but molestation Shhhhhhhh no we can’t tell about that part because its dirty. The problem it brings much shame upon the family this is why it’s hard for child abuse males & females to heal because we are told to be silent talk about this to only our therapist or pastor in private. Society today is becoming a joke. I am so angry with the way hush money is poured out to silence these children’s families and the Head Top people at Joe Paternos college got away with crimes those poor guys lives r ruined for life ! Let people tell their stories as many times as they need to tell it. Each time u tell ur story ur are bringing some healing to urself and maybe somewhere down this journey I will find forgiveness ! Until I do please stop telling me how and when to forgive.

  • Daniel Kinney

    Each time I read these points I wanted to just scream at u people. But u will use that against me to say I am just a hateful person , when u really don’t know me. If any of u that made these statements or points on forgiveness had to endure what I endured as a child I doubt you would have been able to write and tell others how to forgive. If we all would stop and accept that each person must find a way to search for a healing process to begin the journey of self and discovery instead of telling people how u view forgiveness then people would be at peace. I laugh in anger at these points and certain things might be easier to forgive than others but who r we to put other human experiences on a scale and say how and when to use the word forgive. I play the piano self taught I learned at a young age to escape the danger of my childhood abuse i used music to escape. But the music didnt change the fact I was tortured and molested neither did going to church singing in the choir or playing the piano for church nor teaching music ! I used all the things I did to escape the daily PTSD that would hit me day to day ! I’m still doing the routine yet I have said i forgive a million times to god and to my parents yet I’m still broken confused my life is not what it should of been. And I to tried to grasp what mya Angelo told Oprah, Forgiveness is giving up on the idea that my past could have been any different! I didn’t get that guess I must be stupid or maybe there’s something wrong with me. But the only ting that did make any sense was that article. Finally somebody put on paper what I have been thinking and feeling that I just cannot find the way to forgive someone for altering my life for ruining and stealing and robbing me of my pure innocence and my childhood and not to mention my sexuality. Then I grow up with society saying that being gay is a sin and its something sick and twisted. If u don’t conform to each human along ur journey then u r not welcome to be yourself in their presence. I think that is a sick way for humans to behave and that is not healthy yet people say I’m the unhealthy one. Yet I just laugh at their ignorance. Because when in read this article on not forgiving for the first time I finally felt like I was FREE because there was nothing wrong with me just because I cannot find the forgiveness to make others lives easier for them. When there was nothing wrong with me to begin with. I am just trying to live each day to find a small piece of hope to try again tomorrow.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Daniel,

    I’ve read through all your comments, and my heart really goes out to you. I can’t even begin to imagine how tough it’s been for you, being abused in the way you were. I don’t presume to know what’s right for you. I think for a lot of people, forgiveness is the key to healing, but if you found peace in the article you posted below, I am happy that you found it. You deserve some relief from all the pain you’ve been through. Is there anything I can do to help you?

    You are in my thoughts.
    Lori

  • Daniel Kinney

    I think u missed the picture but though this is not something one would get so consumed over it must have hurt this person for reasons we may not know maybe those people forgot the birthday because they don’t like the person any longer. Bt its really not our place to use our experiences and try and tell others that they have to forgive and how and then to take it a step further and try and tell them to throw their own party? R u serious?

  • Daniel Kinney

    U r trying to put the blame on this person by asking if he/she reminded people about the B Day? Ur reasoning makes no sense

  • vrw

    there are some incidents related to my shyness and some which are very embarassing,for me it is easy to forgive others but very difficult to forgive myself, i hv even tried eft but my body shows a very violent reaction, and even if the negative emotions reduces , but after some days it regains back its original positione, can someone help me plz

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi vrw,

    I can relate to the trouble with forgiving yourself. Sometimes it’s much easier to offer compassion for others than it is to offer it to ourselves! There’s a post on the site that addresses this issue:

    http://tinybuddha.com/blog/learn-to-forgive-yourself-even-when-youve-hurt-someone-else/

    I hope this helps!
    Lori

  • vrw

    thanx lory, it may take some time but i think it will definitely help, thanx a ton

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. =)

  • Starrlet

    My friend won’t forgive me for something I did five years ago, for which I’ve apologized many times. It makes me feel pushed away and I can’t bring myself to be friends with her anymore. I don’t know what to do.

  • Rose Stokes

    I am hurting this morning but I do forgive and still love the other person. I have asked God to forgive me for my sins as well.

  • Alexis

    I Cheated on my wife and then she cheated on me while I was in jail it sucks and now Idk how to feel I love her and she says she still loves me but I feel so insecure !!!! I just want to be happy how do I forgive the person I love the most and she hurt me the most. Nobody in my life has hurt me this bad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/karen.k.mcdowell Karen Kramer

    Ok here it is, I cannot deal with my ex and his new wife because of things they have done. They stole my son’s college money, they told me (when he was living with them) That I couldn’t go to his graduation. Many things like that. I want to let this go, but I get so upset about it constantly for 30 yrs now. Part of the problem is that my son is over it. He calls them, they never call him. when he was 20 they threw him out, and now he spends money every year to go see them…I know it’s jealousy. Help!

  • kayla

    Forgiving is very difficult but you have to let go everyone everything negative our lives deserve positive energy

  • Cherbear

    After 20 yrs I’ve never been as angry with my husband as I have been in the last year. He has wronged me a lot over the years and I’m still here. I want to know how to forgive in a deep way so I can move on from my bitter thoughts and feelings.

  • Claire93

    Hi lori, my ex boyfriend and I were together for almost 2 years we broke up but he came back to me after 4 months, he hadnt even kissed anyone until 4 weeks before he came back to me. I was so happy when he came back because I still loved him so much, I had been with other people while we were apart but only kissed them. When I found out he had had sex with two random girls just for the sake for it I hated him. I don’t understand how he could do this when he still loved me? I thought I could forgive him but it was eating me up inside, I found out that he had sex with one on my birthday and this really hurt and I recently left him. But I still love him so much and just want to be able to get past this so I can be with him. I just don’t know how :(

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I’m so sorry to hear about what you’re going through Claire. I can understand why this would be hard to get past.

  • Barbara Torres

    Lori,
    Thanks for sharing the 30 tips for forgiving someone. I found them interesting, useful and sometimes impossible to do.
    The way I finally figured out how to make it last was to realize that being “a dick” was what they were going to be forever. They would never know any kind of a good life as long as they treated people like they treated me and for that I could feel sorry for them. For me, it’s easier to forgive someone that I pity so that’s what I do. I think, “Wow, your life must be really awful for you to behave that way. It sucks to be you.” And then, I can let it and them go.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Barbara,

    You’re most welcome. I know what you mean–these kinds of things are always easier to write about than put into practice!

    In reading what you wrote, I couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if you later learned that the person wasn’t actually a fundamentally bad person, but rather someone who made a big mistake (or series of them). Would that then take away your forgiveness because you could no longer look down on that person as someone inferior who you pity?

    Lori

  • me

    Neede d this. I am a Confronter of issues. But with a person who sees no wrong in themselves ghats hard to do. Its gotten harder and harder but only on me. She still walks around like I’m the issue and she even fake hugs me. This really bothers me because I’m not use to this.

  • Markus Kapanen

    Thank you for this articule.It opend my eyes in a moment when i really needed it.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome. I’m glad this was helpful to you!

  • findingthishard

    i have just found out my father is having an affair with my brother’s wife. my parents have been married for 40 years. my brother and his wife have been married for 8 and they have three beautiful children who i have helped raise. this selfishness has broken my entire family to pieces. how on earth can i forgive these two people? whatever issues they had could have been resolved in other ways surely. i am full of hurt and anger and i don’t believe i will ever be able to forgive them completely.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I can understand why it would be tough to forgive right now when it’s so hard to understand how and why they both made that choice. I wish I had an answer for the question you asked, but I don’t. So instead I will just say that I am so sorry for the pain and anger you’re dealing with right now, and I hope your father and sister-in-law make amends with everyone they’ve hurt!

  • catherine todd

    This doesn’t seem to address forgiving someone when they really betrayed you, stolen / robbed you, broken all your confidence and trust, destroyed your business or damaged your child. It’s not something I can “do for myself” or “do for someone else.” Justice also needs to be served and these people need to make amends. What good does it do to “forgive someone” while you work for years to make things right? And they go on their merry way? Even though I know karma gets us all in the end, what good is forgiveness if they get away scott free?

    I’m not talking about “hanging on to anger” or the desire for revenge. I am talking about wanting JUSTICE. What good does forgiveness do towards that? How to reconcile the two? It’s much easier to forgive when justice has been served. But what about when it’s not?

  • catherine todd

    How do we get a notice when additional comments are left? Thanks…
    CatherineTodd2 at gmail

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I know what you mean Catherine. But if one isn’t holding onto anger and bitterness or seeking revenge, but rather pursuing justice, then I don’t think it’s a question of forgiveness anymore. We can forgive someone but still want them to be accountable for their actions.

  • catherine todd

    Thank you, Lori. Now this makes sense. I actually end up feeling SORRY for those people who commit crimes, because of how they have ruined their own life. But I never thought it was “forgiveness” because I always hold them accountable. I will go to court, because people need to learn responsibility and consequences. But I don’t seek revenge. I only seek justice. I was raised with “forgive and forget” so I think that’s where my confusion lies. Gracias, amiga!

    “The winds of grace blow all the time; all we need do is set our sails.
    Dear God, please show us The Way.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    You’re most welcome! I’m with you. I had to take a dentist to court once because of malpractice, and it was a long, arduous process, but I didn’t back down. I didn’t go to sleep at night cursing her, but I felt that what she did was wrong, and that she needed to be held accountable. I don’t know your particular issue, but I wish you well in your court proceedings. You are in my thoughts!

  • catherine todd

    Same sort of thing here… excellent discussion. Gracias, amiga!

  • Skygirl

    As I think back 2 years ago I though everything was going ok with my self but still the hatred is there. .As life goes on whether you like it or not to remember her/him, she/he come your mind even in your dreams without thinking that person. I do know if I love that person still but I don’t want to cross our path again. I don’t know where my hatred last. Its really not easy to feel like this but still I am trying my best to make thing ok even for my self.

  • Skygirl

    You know what Lori I come from a broken heart also. We been for about 10 years and in one click he leaves me and go to other girl…I am always asking for a heal of the wound brought it into my life but still I hurting.

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Oh man, that’s tough. I hope you’re doing okay!

  • NEVER FORGIVE

    MAY SUFFERING AND ANNIHILATION COME TO THOSE WHO HAVE BETRAYED ME.

  • Julie

    Amazing! Now I totally found a blog on how to forgive someone when it’s hard. Yes, I read all the comments and I strongly agreed that forgiving is very difficult.

  • Ces

    I like your thoughts…

  • Mohammed Ali

    I have a problem, my father is listening to Satan right now by not apologizing to me and my mother for destroying our property behind my back in a dirty,underhanded way.

  • Jesus Jones

    Too bad this is the occult version of forgiveness and not the Christian version of forgiveness, which means making a recompence, doing a penance to show ones contrition. That when you have your sons forgiveness, you are more likely to have Gods forgiveness. Women should have apologized for their incorrect overreactions to compliments than to punish men for them, which means they,our government, cowardly cops and the court are all holding grudges.

  • hassedo

    For me, I just imagined how much do I hate that person.. that if that person died without me forgiving him, would I feel remorse or can I live with it?

  • Mercy Reborn 2

    im not sure some people say I forgive you but I wont forget what you did for something less serious but I think time does heal if you let it but if serious damage has been done they might need to seek aid from a counsellor and you are right though its hard to forgive someone whose had a child murdered but I say just don’t let hate take over try to forgive them so you have peace of mind for yourself there was a case here where a murder victims family did forgive them but so they can have peace which is ok in my book and what is tragic is not always do victims of crime get some justice but if they cant get it for themselves they can join some group that helps society so it wont happen to anyone else or take the government to court if they are releasing serious offenders early but take positive action not negative and maybe they can find peace if they help

  • Mercy Reborn 2

    I actually went up to the person who really hurt me and said I forgive you she said but I have done nothing but she did it made me feel better she is in denial but that doesant matter she isn’t a mature person anyway

  • Rachel

    Hi, I’m actually in tough situation dealing with forgiveness. I’m only 17 so the topic may seem stupid, but I can’t hold it in any longer. You see, I have a “friend” that I’ve known since a young age. She was and still is extremely negative and is always out for herself. Yet, when I was younger I had trouble making friends because I was shy (and I recently found out I have Aspergers) so my parents would force me to hang out with people. Of course they had me hang out with this girl who was constantly negative and made me doubt the shred of self-confidence I had. I didn’t know at the time that friends don’t do things like that so I stayed friends with her.
    But I did have fun with this girl at times and we had similar likes and dislikes. Though, her mean spirit seemed to loom over me and made me feel like I wasn’t normal and wasn’t worth the time of day (which I still feel). Though, none of this bothered me even when I learned it wasn’t normal. I have forgiven her countless times. Yet, last year she used me to sleep with her boyfriend. She told her mom she was over my house and told me to keep quiet about it (which I did). Her mother eventually found out and my friend sent me a message apologizing for using me. At first I thought it was fine, but the message showed me that what she has been doing to me is wrong and I don’t deserve to be treated that way. Even after every day she ignored me in school because she didn’t want to be seen with me I still didn’t realize the full effect of the negativity she had on my life until this very moment.
    I have ignored her for almost a full year, because I’m no good at confrontation. Recently, she has been sending me many texts of apologies and asking for my forgiveness. Asking me to give her another chance. I have given her many chances and have always been a loyal friend to her, but right now I can’t seem to forgive her. My heart is telling me to just give her another chance, but my brain is telling me to ignore her because she will never change and will always put a struggle on my life.
    Lately, I have been meeting new people who show me that I don’t need to be in a relationship with someone who makes me feel bad about myself. Now I don’t wish any pain upon her or to get revenge. I just don’t know if I can forgive her for the struggle she has put on my life, even though a part of me wants to. I just don’t know if she is worthy of my forgiveness. Please help.

  • MultiKiki55 .

    THIS ALL SOUNDS GOOD TO ME, HOWEVER WHEN IT IS YOUR CHILD THAT IS HURT BY SOMEONE ELSE, AND YOU FEEL THEIR PAIN, AND ARE CONSTANTLY REMINED OF THAT WHEN YOU SEE YOUR CHILD, HOW DO YOU GET RID OF THE ANGER.
    HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR CHILDS PAIN GO AWAY, AND EVERYTIME YOU SEE THE PERSON WHO CAUSED THEIR PAIN HOW DO YOU NOT RESENT, OR FEEL ANGER TOWARDS THEM. THE EMOTIONAL FEELING IS A REFLEX NOT A CHOICE THAT WE HAVE MADE. EMTOTIONS CAN’T BE TURNED OFF LIKE A FAUCET. THESE 30 TIPS ALL SOUND PROFOUND, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE THEY WERE STATED BY ANYONE WHEN THEY WERE IN AN ANGRY STATE.
    FOR ALL THOSE FEELING AS I DO RIGHT NOW, I AM TRULY SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN. I WOULDN’T WISH THIS FEELING ON ANYONE…..

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    I am so sorry to hear about what you’ve been going through. I don’t yet have children, but I can imagine it’s even more difficult to forgive when you’ve seen your child in pain. Have you considered speaking with a therapist to work through your feelings? In my experience, when it feels impossible to move forward, it’s time to seek professional help. I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for therapy. It literally saved my life.

  • Catherine Todd

    Karen, the more I read the less sense this is making. You think that the people killed by Hitler “attracted him into their lives?” That they are somehow responsible for being killed? That one must forgive their murderer because they “attracted them into their life?”

    You wrote:

    “Yes a serial killer should be forgiven and yes even Hitler. We are all in this world together and when you realise we are all connected, you will understand that only you are responsible for attracting those in your life.”

    No, I’m sorry, I don’t agree that we are responsible for “attracting” the bad things that happen in our life. Some things are random acts of violence and should not be tolerated. Why blame the victim? Don’t you think they have suffered enough? Do you really think you have that much control over the entire world to “attract” everything that goes on?

    Makes no sense to me. Tolerating bad behavior engenders more bad behavior. That’s how you “attract” bad behavior. By “forgiving” it. That’s called watering and feeding your own monster. I don’t pretend to control what goes on in the world. I don’t have that much ego. We are not God, even if some want to believe that.

  • Mary

    Lori, I have broken a promise I need to forgive myself for. I thought I could tell my sister – what it was and she would never tell a soul. She promised to God she wouldn’t. Against my better judgement I did. Feel so bad that I trusted her. She now has broken my trust and took what we have talked about – and took it to the whole family. In which now, has caused pain to them & anger towards me and my daughter. I am so devisated and torn hurt & discussed with her. When I think about it I just want to cry all the time! I am angry at myself for trusting her and for breaking my own promise not to say anything in the first place. I just needed some advice. I don’t know where to begin to forgive! I have always been the forgiving kind all my life!! Of great great pains. Cheating husbands and quite a bit more! But this one cuts deep…

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi Mary,

    I’m so sorry to hear about what’s happened and the pain you’re in. It sounds like you’re having a hard time forgiving for two reasons–she betrayed your trust, and in doing that she’s created a difficult situation with your whole family.

    I may be way off base here, since I don’t know what secret she told, but is it possible that it’s somehow better for whatever it is to be out in the open? Will it in any way strengthen your family relationships, or help you work through something you may otherwise have buried down? If you can find something positive that could come from this secret being out, it would likely be easier to forgive her!

    If that’s not possible, then maybe you could try to understand why she did what she did by asking her to explain herself. If you were able to put yourself in her shoes, it would likely soften your anger.

    I hope this helps!

    Lori

  • sadgirl614

    I came online searching for answers on how to forgive. I am in a very tough situation at 33 years old. My husband of 3 years (and father of my 1.5 year old) was recently diagnosed with a rare genetic brain disorder.He is deteriorating rapidly and I have spent months crying about losing my loving husband and devoted father. In the mist of all our doctor appointments….I find out he has been cheating on me. He admitted everything. He was with her for almost a year. I was in total shock. Never expected this of him, did not think he had it in him. We just got married, we just had a baby! Shortly after I found out he rapidly started to decline. We can no longer communicate and its so hard to take care of someone who is dying….when your so hurt by them. I have so many emotions that I dont know what to deal with first. I know I need time to heal…but time is what I dont have. He is dying. I have told him I forgive him, so he can be in peace, but I need peace of my own.

  • ngocdung

    i do believe it is yourself’s forgiveness that urges you to forgive other people who hurt you on purpose on unintentionally. i’m very sad now, something that i don’t want to share with anyone.though i know speaking out can ease your mind. i want to keep it a secret.

  • Fabia

    How can you forgive someone who is still intentionally hurting you? I don’t know how to. I tried to let it go, I tried to say sorry “first” and wish the person well, but that won’t change anything regarding their attitude. It’s really difficult to let go of the pain and anger when you don’t see any remorse/guilt or change in the attitude of the person.

  • Pavlina

    I have been hurt by a sociopath who intentionally betrayed me and did HORRIBLE HORRIBLE things to me. And I am very difficult time letting go now…..

  • https://www.facebook.com/RufusCrabhawk Dean Hajas

    I’m struggling…….I have been physically hurt by my X wife…..she shoved my son into garbage cans in back alley ways…..and the system forces him to go to his access…..where she assaults him…..in the face, physically…..calls him names,…..and ridicules me through his self image of me……When he returns….I have to rebuild him, pull out the fear…..and redirect him every time……I have no faith in the church……or man

  • Fulton

    Very insightful, there is indeed beauty in truth, but nothing is always in black and white.

    Not to be the devil’s advocate here, but not learning from one’s anger leaves one open to further abuse – does being forgiving also mean forgetting the experience? Isn’t pain supposed to teach us to avoid things and people that can hurt us so that we can continue to function normally? Won’t forgiving others mean that we don’t need to stay among those who abuse us and refuse to let up the cycle of pain?

    Someone once said to me to end the cycle of hurt by keeping away – sure that person said she was sorry, but there’s something in not forgetting who hurts you that keeps you sane, if only for a little bit.

    Does not forgetting mean you don’t fully forgive?

  • healing in progress

    this is realy helpful for someone like me who wants to forgive but doesnt quite know what that looks or feels like yet. i’m still crying which is something i normally avoid but i’m letting some of these tears flow. i’m keeping this page for my own benefit as it is realy helpful

  • Remy Lee

    Hi I need some advice. 8 months ago my girlfriend broke up with me. Ended out of nowhere. The week after she was sleeping with her ex. I know this because she told me the day after she did it. She seemed happy. We always got along great and I always treated her right. Well this was devastating to me. I was very in love with her. She acted like it was nothing and it hurt me pretty bad. I didn’t understand why this happened. But even though this happened I tried to remain friends. And it was very hard to do. Because I still loved her and she just went on with her life like it was nothing. Always telling me who she was having relationships with. Finally i couldn’t take it anymore. I was always depressed and angry. Loosing sleep So i ended the friendship. And now a few weeks ago I get a message from her saying how sorry she is and how bad she feels. Saying she loves me and misses me. And since all that happened and I stopped contact with her I have been doing alot better. I’m myself again and alot happier then I was. I don’t have that anger anymore. And in the message She wants me to contact her asking for forgiveness. I’ve moved on and have forgiven her but I’m afraid if I send a message or letter back to her telling her that she will not leave me alone or worse I will fall back in with her and be miserable again. Part of me wants to reply just to put her at ease but the other part knows that I will fall back in with her. Any advice would be great. Thank you

  • kim clark

    I agree my boyfriend lied to me about singing but that is okay I forgive him I am sure um he did not know he had to do it but he honestly really really wanted to sing to me I forgive him now I say mean and bad things I do not mean sometimes because I got anger issues I get mad lots and when I do I start saying stuff I do not really mean I wish I had anger management class I got anger problems it Usally happens when I do not get what I want or I was late or someone was rude to me.

  • burak

    Great article, thanks. Especially 11 makes me feel better..

  • Mary

    I have a friend who is very selfish and self centered. A few months ago, she did something that hurt me a bit too much and I broke off our friendship. I demanded a meaningful apology and figured if she wouldn’t give it to me, so be it. God is directing me not to forgive her. Just tonight, as I’m typing this, she sends me a text saying she misses me (not apologizing) and I give her a chance to talk on the phone the next morning. My thoughts are searching for a logical direction to guide the phone call and I’ve come to a conclusion of a rather harsh and demanding one that I feel is entirely necessary.After reading this article, I realize that I am a Christian and I love this girl like a sister. She doesn’t deserve forgiveness but I will cautiously gift her with it.

  • Nina Trimbath

    So much of the list is just greeting card bullshit. We have built a culture on “forgiveness” because every avenue to avenge ourselves has been taken away and we are too chicken shit to stick up for each other. The truth is, there are some people who just need to be punished.

  • Anastasia Beaverhausen

    I just found this article googling forgiveness when it is hard and it really helped so thank you.

  • anonymously

    I’m really sorry for what you are going through, but never give up on God, trust in him, believe in him, have faith and hope for a better tommorow.

  • hurt_guest

    @ cecille….well married women cheat too. i was married for 9years with 3 adorable kids. over the course of our marriage she cheated 3 times, twice with exes and then with a married man. i still feel the anger to this day when she comes around to pick the kids out. i know i will be able to forgive her someday.

  • sadlady

    I found that my husband has a porn addiction. Which explains why he rarely shows interest in me. Feeling that it is all my fault. I have lost 25lbs and still receive little attention ( I am blond, 5’8″ and 150lbs not fat or ugly). He has given it up, I know because I daily check all of his internet devices history. He is trying to change. I just can’t let it go. I never had a reason not to trust him. He is a good man. But, I feel so hurt and betrayed. Has our whole relationship been a lie? I feel like a fool. Sometimes I feel like I have let it go, but then I get sent back into dwelling and grudging again. It has been 2 months since I found out. I caught him before, and it seemed easier to let it go then.

  • Evelyne Elizabeth

    Your son is incredibly lucky to have you in his life. It is very hard to forgive someone who is abusive. And it is even harder when the person abuses someone you love. Maybe you can try to help your son to understand that something is broken in her, and that none of the abuse is his fault. Even though it is hard for him now, he can use his experience for good in his life. He can use it to learn compassion and forgiveness. It took me years to forgive abuse in my life, but now I’m grateful for what it has taught me. People usually hurt others, because they are suffering themselves, even if they never talk about it. They are always wrong for it, and it should never be forgotten, but you can learn to have compassion for them and rise above it. Good luck to you

  • ammy

    my friends have give me toxic medicines which has caused me kidney failure ,, now how should i forgive them cause i am suffering daily with kidney disease

  • N.

    I am having a hard time forgiving as well. A lot of things are going on in my life and I am really struggiling with getting everything together. First of all I am 22 years old and I feel really sad all the time. I cant forgive many things and I dont know what to do. I was molested as a child from the age 9-12 by my cousin who was 19 when it all first started. I never told a single soul until now. I am mad about this I want him to feel the pain that I feel everyday. I am also having trouble with forgiving something that was a little more recent. I was in a store looking for a job and the manager took me in the back and sexually assulted me. Help me let this go please. I am so sad and angry I dont know how to let it go. I wanted to move away because I live right across the street from this store. I live with my boyfriend and we had a chance to move out into a two bedroom apartment but sense it is two hours away from our jobs he does not want to make this move for me. The rent is only $200 a month because its in one of those towns where everything is like far away from your house. But I just felt like he should do this for me because I dont feel happy here. I am angry with my boyfriend now and I am just so tired of being angry and sad about different things that I caant even controll. i just really need help letting all these things go so I can be at peace. i am really hurting myselg physically and mentally. I just need to understand how to forgive. please help me if you can.

  • disqus_czg7M0rH40

    how can forgive a monster who never wanted me since even before I was born

  • just me

    I can relate 2 your type of suffering only mine came from my dad

  • Amanda Frances

    these are my three favorite steps/tips to aid in the forgiveness & healing processes: http://amandafrances.com/theeffword