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Knowing When to Walk Away from Unrequited Love

“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.

I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.

I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me. Except this time not only was he not walking with me but he was subtly trying to kick my feet from under me every chance he got.

I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.

Falling in love can be a slippery slope, regardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.

Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.

I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.

The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t. 

Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.

But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?

How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?

Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.

For those of you who have been blessed to find a romantic love that is equally shared, I truly admire this and I have set the intention to find it one day. I think it all starts with being aware, open, and ready.

For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved.

Unfortunately I did it again this year and I can promise you that it was the last time. I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.

I have been tested often this year and with this came the opportunity to learn lessons. I have lived my life openly. I have experienced love and trusted the process. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart.

I felt the pain, and still continue to recover from it. My heart is healing and that is a slow process, but it was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. For this I am grateful. I’m also grateful to my friends and family who helped me to pick up the pieces when I didn’t have the energy to do it alone.

8 things I have learned about relationships so far:

1. If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it. Take the risk and dive in with everything you have.

2. Enjoy the good times together as they are happening and be grateful for them.

3. Stay out of the future and in the moment. Now is certain.

4. Protect both your heart and your partner’s, whether the love is still there or not. We are human and we deserve kindness. We don’t need to add to the burdens we already carry by hurting others. Trust me, it doesn’t make thing better.

5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.

6. You cannot continue to give to another person when you are not at your best; when you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. When you feel like this, you have to do what is best for the relationship and for each other and wave the white flag to avoid further damage.

7. Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t. Please don’t do more damage to your heart by trying to fix something that has past its expiration date. It will leave you raw.

8. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.

Life isn’t easy. Some things build us up and some tear us down. Our hearts expand and break and rebuild—repeatedly. We are constantly learning and changing and growing. If in love you find yourself in a sticky situation like I was, please stop picking at scabs.

Nothing good has ever come from this. Stop the cycle, and let your heart heal so you can find pure love. Surround yourself with loving relationships. Something beautiful is out there waiting for you. If you feel it on the inside, you’ll find it out there.

Photo by kelsey_lovefusionphoto

Avatar of Kelly Reynolds

About Kelly Reynolds

Kelly lives in Ontario, Canada. She writes to share the lessons she has learned with others, and to re-read them as a reminder when she gets stuck. You can read more on her personal blog at http://fiesty2u.wordpress.com.

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  • Ashley

    Love it- thanks Kelly!

  • Jessica Langford

    Thanks!!  This is great! :)

  • Brittany Nicole

    I think I’ll be writing down these 8 things.  This post was perfect, and while I know it was your story, I really felt like it was speaking to me in a lot of ways.  Thank you.

  • ridethewave

    I can completely relate to your article.  Just last week, I was forced to walk away.  And although it was difficult, I finally feel free.  I keep reminding myself that despite all the risks and possibility of heartache, it is worth it to continually open myself to others, because the alternative isn’t truly living life.

  • dayntinay

    This is wonderful. If you apply this outlook and the inherent reality in it, both sides win.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mousetape Doug Johnson

    This is very well stated. I have found as I become more centered and spend more time in the now, my capacity for love is increasing. Since I have learned to love without expectation or assumption, I don’t think I will experience unrequited love. I love openly and honestly, it does not matter if they return that love to me. If they do, then our relationship will evolve, if they don’t I have the joy of loving them.

  • Willow

    Beautifully stated.  I so needed to read this today, as your story is my story.  Thank you!

  • unionmaid

    been there, done that. What have I learned that i could share? Fall in love — with yourself. Do so totally, just the way you’d intend it if you were loving another or being loved by another. There’s a phrase out there that goes something like, “you are the one you have been waiting for.” Maybe that sounds trite to some but it resounds loud & clear for me. As long as my self-love was actually self-hate i wound up repeating the same mistakes in relationships. The same lesson reappears in our lives till we learn what we need from that lesson & move on & grow on. 

  • Jameilla

    wow! I cannot thank you enough for writing this article. <3 My boyfriend just ended our relationship a month ago, I wanted to chase him but I thought I did everything already and there's no more to give. I am moving on and I have found the good in goodbye and I have accepted that "Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. " and thank you for this reminder "You will find love again, and next time it will feel better." I know healing is not an overnight thing, it's a slow process but I wish I will be totally healed soon enough. 

  • http://twitter.com/SchnitzyRae Cait

    Yes I see myself in this story as well, and I too have learned the same lessons. Thank you for sharing.

  • Lin

    This hit too close to home.. I chose to walk away from the relationship yesterday, and I haven’t accepted it yet. It’s so hard when you still love that person, and he is your best friend. It hurts and I feel helpless… but this article helped somewhat (though I burst in tears at some points). I’m just afraid that I will cave and fall into the cycle once again…

  • mi_melo_aura

    Thank you this!  Well said.

  • Anonymous

    Such wise words. I can relate to your stories very much. I have recently fallen in love with a wonderful women that unfortunately does not feel the same as I do at this time. And while the present moment is generally great, I fall in the trap of continually of wanting more from the relationship and pushing into the future at a rate she is not comfortable with. I just have so many amazing feelings for this girl, I do it almost subconsciously. This has recently created a small rift between us, and may eventually force us apart if we can’t get on the same page. And sometimes it leaves me feeling badly about the whole situation, badly about myself and badly about her. And so I ponder, at what point do I just walk away? Is the cycle and uncertainty worth it?

  • Joseph

    I never had the chance to say goodbye to her, which hurts my heart so bad. But I wanted her to know that she meant the world to me, even through all of the bad times we went through. It is going to be hard to leave my best friend and Soul Mate, but I have to find strength in knowing that it wasn’t in the books for us.

  • Anonymous

    thank you so much for sharing these wonderful, beautiful & deeply insightful words.  your courage and honesty is insanely inspiring! 

    i too have experienced my fair share of painful relationships & breakups…& while i was unable to understand at the time why i had to go through them, i have grown to realize that each one has added something incredibly profound to my life and that i am more open to love now then i ever was before. i know myself so much more intimately too because of my experiences – & that is invaluable.

    your post has also made me realize that although it felt like it at the time, ultimately i am not alone on this crazy journey to find lasting & meaningful love.  it’s a profoundly human journey & one we all share….so, thank you for reminding me of that powerful truth!!

  • Hookedontravel001

    Thank you so much for this post. I needed this today. :-) 

  • Vi

    Thank you so much for this insightful article.  It’s one that is timely for me. Your list of 8 things are spot on.  It’s one thing to be aware of these things and aim to abide by them, but another to have them compiled in such a cohesive way and have one realize there are so many others that can relate. Thanks again. 

  • http://liveohana.blogspot.com Ohana Mama

    So eloquently put. Love with passion and integrity- which includes loving yourself.

    Thank you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/RJKilburn Robin Janet Kilburn

    It feels like Kelly’s
    story is very similar to mine and a lot of other women The learning and healing process goes on and on, the one think I have learned about my self is some thing I wrote out the other day, it is “Never accept less than you know you deserve”
    For so long I took a lot less and have always regretted it , so no more ..

  • Mclou2633

    I too thought I walked away from a relationship two months ago from the person that I loved and  was/is my best friend.  Distance was our issue so there was nothing other than the reality of circumstances that forced us into a realization we could not be together.  This was based on a definition of what we both thought a relationship was or should be.  If you take the stance that your heart can be as big as you imagine it to be by keeping your mind and heart open, ignore all the definitions of what a relationship is supposed to be, and keep yourself from trying to “figure it out,” maybe your old relationship dies, but a new one (with the same person) can evolve.   She is still my best friend and we share as much love as we ever have.  But we also know that there are and will be others that pass into our lives, which has been the tough part, but a learning experience in an of itself, but well worth it.  The key learning for me is that fractured love can harden our heart if we let it.  Only by having more love, the selfless kind, and shedding all of our preconceived notions of what a relationship should be, do we expand or capacity to open ourselves to others. 

  • LadyTamborine

    Doug,

    You are very fortunate to have learned to love without expectations, indeed, this is truly a wonderful skill to have.

    I have to say though, I’ve met numerous couples in the situation where one partner has this skill…and the other doesn’t.  Words can’t begin to tell you the roadblock this creates.

    Kelly makes a great point when she says “Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them”.  Perhaps the key here is…when dating, one should spend more time determining if the other person has this set of “skills” or not.

    That being said…by “determining” doesn’t one have “expectations”?

  • http://www.facebook.com/elliander Elliander Eldridge

    The article is nice, but these are emotions we are talking about. It’s nigh impossible to control how one feels. Just telling people when it’s time to “end it” doesn’t really help anyone at all. Better advice might be to tell people to go out and meet new people, get out of the house, etc. Time does the healing. Not our intentions.

  • Smherold4

    i appreciate this article. What if immense love is there but the skill set of the partners is not and fights occur frequently including the exchange of harmful words? This could be personal development, communication, psychology related to the past, lack of experience (not just experience, good experience).  I am on a break, and I can assure you there is no lack of love.

  • http://honeybtemple2.blogspot.com/ Melissa

    As with everyone else who commented, this article really spoke to me. My heart goes out to the people here who have just ended relationships. I know much it hurts. I’m on the other side of that kind of pain from a similar loss, and want to say that it will get better, I promise! I never imagined that I would ever be happy again after that difficult relationship and breakup, but I’ve never been more consistently happy, balanced, and joyful than I am now. Even with the pain of it all, I don’t regret my last relationship. I know myself better now then I ever have, especially my dark side. Now, starting to date a new man whom I met when I was perfectly happy to be single, I find myself opening more slowly, but also being able to be more honest because I know how damaging ambivalence, ambiguity, and misconceptions can be. I’m absolutely aware now that this could be over tomorrow, or in an hour. It’s a poignant feeling, but not really that unpleasant. It makes me truly enjoy every moment that we are together, and reminds me to keep the rest of my life just as vibrant and exciting, so that I’m not expecting this new person to fulfill everything for me.

    This is so true: “When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over”. I remember the moment I realized that words were no longer serving us. I should have walked away then. Oh well. Live and learn! Thanks so much for this article!

  • LadyTamborine

    Kelly,

    Great post!  You made so many good points.  My fav was…”“How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?”
    Thanks!

  • Kelly Reynolds

    Thank you so much, to everyone, for sharing your experiences and thoughts. I am learning so much more from your words and support. Big thanks!

  • LadyTamborine

    Smherold4,

    I was going to make a post in that same light; where one partner has the skill and the other doesn’t.  This is truly a complex situation.  Here we are taught not to have expectations, but when in a relationship aren’t we supposed to have SOME kind of expectations from our partner?

    This unbalanced kind of relationship is stressful and in many cases volatile and downright nasty. I think Kelly summarizes it well….rather than “keep fanning the flames” perhaps it’s important one step back and ask….”How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?

  • Smherold4

    Relationships can be very complex on so many levels as I am realizing. I am learning people tend to seek or end up with people that relate to their pasts, that satisfy previous or current unmet needs, people they can project their own issues on, and that they can have other;s issues projected on. Right now I am in such a low fog of confusion and sadness about my girl. Two weeks ago I was holding onto her for dear life (literally on a roller coaster as she gets sick) and now we are not on good terms. High highs and low lows in this one. I had to step back and clear my head and heart but she is so against any time off. Its now or never or I else I must not ove her enough and I want to go chase other women. If only she knew how much I love her but how inadequate I feel. 

  • Anonymous

    I could’ve written parts of this article.  Likewise I am unlucky in love.  2-3 relationships ago it was well known amongst my friends that I am extremely unlucky.  Here recently I had been spending a substantial amount of time with a woman who I thought I was building a relationship with.  Out of nowhere she betrays me and both sides opened up and our relationship fell apart.  I wasn’t in love with her but I felt a higher connection with her and I still do even though we haven’t spoken since.

    I’ve been in love, once, 14 years ago.  It was love at first sight…. to a girl who was forbidden to be with me, due to cultural differences.  I never thought I’d fall in love so easily but I did.  Having once loved and lost, I keep trying to get that feeling again but so far no luck.

    I still think there’s somebody out there for me and I absolutely refuse to settle but I get so tired of it sometimes. 

  • Indigo Perry

    I found much of this post useful and helpful: thank you. I guess that in my own process in recent times I have come to question whether we ever love others in just the same way they may love us. I like the idea that we can each love in our own unique, strange, wondrous, colourful ways… sometimes I think of it as being like jigsaw puzzle pieces. The pieces are different shapes and colours and yet they fit together. I’m not so sure anymore that a relationship can’t be harmonious if one’s love is bigger in some ways than the other’s. That may say more about how each person loves, rather than so much about the other person. I guess, as the author of the article identifies, it’s about self-care and knowing if you’re happy or sad in a relationship and acting in an empowering way accordingly.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for the article I really enjoyed it and it really hit home.

    It’s really hard walking away from someone you love.

  • Taiji Internalist

    This was so perfect to read tonight. I’ve found myself loving someone that feels they can give the same love back. I’m still supportive of her and there to help her through rough times if I can because I do love and care, but something changed one day when I stopped hoping for things to be like they were when we met. I just enjoyed the moments as they came. Not hoping for the future whether good or not so good just taking it in, enjoying simple love with no stress or burdens attached and knowing when enough is enough. Playing that elastic band. Thank you for sharing!

  • Mark Takacs

    Thank you for this posting, it really resonated with me. I was cheering along with you!

  • Markchowxyz

    thank u for sharing!

  • tom

    Couldn’t have been more timely in my life as my 14 year relationship and 10 year marriage is coming to a bitter end. Thanks for this post and this site.

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  • Chrissy

    This article goes well with the song “Turning Tables” by Adele. Its a really strong and powerful song.

  • Elena

    Thank you, it helped me a lot =)

  • Linwho2

    awesome!

  • Kecuevas

    Thank you for these words! I completely agree with you. So often do we place such a high importance on loving someone else, but what about you? Wasn’t it God who said “love thy neighbor as you love yourself”. We cannot give what we don’t have. And speaking about love, we must love and honor ourselves before we take the step of loving someone else.

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose Alannah Rose

    It isn’t possible to control feelings, but it’s possible to control how or if you react to them.  When I am able to pause and center myself, I can almost become an observer and “watch” thoughts and emotions come and go (like I do in meditation).  It takes practice but can be done.

  • Msjessmndz

    I came across this article at a perfect time. It hit so close to my heart I took it as a sign of acceptance and letting go with no resentment towards the other person. Thank you for your words of wisdom!

  • Anonymous

    OMG! As I read this, tears were falling from my eyes, because I feel the same way!  At times I am the  obstacle prohibiting me from having love.  Right now I’m in the middle of dealing with an issue with the man that I thought was “perfect” but am really finding out another side of him.  While I could blame him completely, I realized that I put him on a pedestal initially because he was different than the others and now he’s shown me that he is merely a mortal as I am.  But in the end, I know it will all work out, thank you for sharing!!

  • MovingOn

    Sad thing is it’s my recent ex that sent me this link, hoping it would help me get over him. 

    We were together for over 4 years, high school sweethearts, and I tried everything I could to hold onto something that just wasn’t there anymore. Strangely enough, as much as I wasn’t wanting to read this, it really did help. A lot. Thank you so much for writing this article! I feel like I can breathe again. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000756862600 Abraham Loaiza

    I’ll keep my comment brief: this is exactly what needed right now; thank you so much!

  • Anonymous

    Keep your chin up.

    The one think I would say is to not go out searching for love – it will find you. I was in a relationship for 5 years that ended up turning toxic when my boyfriend started to get into drugs. We were high school sweethearts, then in our second year of college he started doing oxycontin. Long story short, it’s not easy to be in a relationship with someone who becomes addicted, then starts dealing, and all the while refuses help and denies that he’s addicted.

    He’s not entirely to blame – I fully accept my responsibility for the demise of our relationship. I didn’t really know how to handle his drug abuse, or his verbal abuse, but I loved him and dearly wanted to be with him. Part of it was because I was afraid of being alone (I had been his girlfriend since I was 16, I didn’t know life without him!), and part of it was because I thought me leaving him would drive him further into the world of drugs. The screaming matches, the cursing at each other, and the snide insults should have been enough for me to walk away, but I loved him.

    Then he died of a drug overdose 4 days before our 5 year anniversary, in May of 2010.

    And you know, I will always love him and miss him, but I realized in the ensuing months that I was so much better off without him. It sounds crude, or crass or harsh, but I don’t mean it that way. I wish I had been strong enough to end that toxic relationship years before his death. I didn’t think I was strong enough to let him go, because it would hurt too much. Well, I was right about that – I can’t even begin to describe the pain of burying the person you thought you’d have forever with at the age of 21. But I did okay. Not at first, mind you, and I needed several months of grief counseling and a grief support group, but at the end of the day, I’m strong enough. I’m ok. The sun still rises every morning and I’m alive.

    And wouldn’t you know, while I was working through my grief I met the most wonderful man… the man who will become my husband this upcoming April. :)

    I yearned for that unconditional love that was lacking in my previous relationship, and it found me shortly after I stopped looking. So I would encourage you to let it happen when it happens.

    As much as I’ve been hurt and scarred after everything, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I believe that I can only appreciate the relationship I have now because of what I went through. I’ve been in that crappy relationship that hurts and hurts, and I now have the most wonderful man in the world who cries when I cry. But I needed what happened to prove to me that I’m strong, that I can handle the world by myself, and that if I end up alone, that’s ok.

    But there is hope. Love will find you.

  • Shane

    It’s almost tough to believe how much I understood your story, especially your 8 pieces of advice at the end, not to mention all the others posting here who’ve experienced the same thing.  I was on my way to figuring these same things out, but I just stumbled upon this article and it seemed like the perfect timing.  Thanks so much for your insight, I’m sure it has helped more people than you realize.

  • Gregarious

    Thanks!  Sometimes the world with all the hustle and bustle can eat up your insides and before you know it, you are just one cold, numb and jaded being.  You forget about what’s really important, and that’s enjoying every moment you can spend with your loved ones, especially your partner.  All the running about to make ends meet, pay the bills and live a “normal” life, creates a void and takes out the happiness of living in the moment.  

  • Anna

    I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but when I “Stumble Upon”ed this it spoke to me more than I can put into words. All I needed was for someone to understand. Even if I did not know that person. Thank you. Love is unconditional, but love should not break you to be so.

  • Samanthapurdy22

    I feel like, so far, everything with my boyfriend and I are right. He asked me how long I think we’d last and I told him not to even think about that; that all that matters is now and that we have each other now. And I know that I’m only 14 and he’s only 13 but my friend and her boyfriend have already been together over a year. And I know that it’s possible that people fall in love this young and they stay together. I read somewhere that teenagers actually have a better sense of love because they are young and more open, so anything is possible. We’re both happy right now with what we have and that’s all that really matters, right now.

  • Krista

    Thank you so much for writing this. I really needed it.

  • kurt

    i like it but the last. like any girl is gonna leave the asshole she is with. been the bestfriend before. leave it alone and find something thats not damaged goods.

  • Nathan

    I’m not in quite the same situation but I can relate to this so much, so thanks I quite needed to read it =)

  • Ashleyrb3

    Wow this is honestly so right and taught me so much about love! It’s confusing and we’ve all had our bad break ups but will get better. Thank you so much <3

  • http://twitter.com/olomerol Olo

    how exactly can this be done? 

  • Charlie

    You speak as though you get to choose when you love someone and when you don’t.  I did connect with what you wrote, but love isn’t always a choice.  I’ve spent more than 13 years with love for someone who no longer loves me back.  I think about her everyday, not that I want to, but I can’t make the feelings go away.  I haven’t even seen her in years.  Being hurt in a relationship can be difficult, but not being able to push away love for someone who doesn’t love you back is harder still.  After more than a decade of trying, I have realized that not all of us get to decide where our feelings lie.  I can’t even imagine what returned love would feel like anymore.  I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I get the feeling that this doesn’t happen to everyone this way.  Remember, finding love is not always good for you and the people that say love will come along, don’t go chasing after it.  Bullsh^t.  A decade of waiting for it to come along has only continued the sadness.  Amplified the loneliness.  I love her with all of my heart, with everything that is me, but she doesn’t.  

    How do I solve this?  A real question that no one can answer.

  • Kelly

    I”m so sorry to hear you are hurting too, Charlie. You are right…love itself isn’t a choice. You can’t chose who you love any more than how long you love them. I would be so happy if i could just shut my feelings off. But for me, loving him and being with him when he didn’t love me back became too hurtful because every time I was with him near the end, it did more harm than good. It broke my heart every time and I couldn’t cope with it anymore. I literally reached my breaking point after 2 years of trying. I sat in a park, on our bench, alone, shaking and realized that I didn’t want to live any more of my years hoping for something better instead of taking responsibility for myself – I came to realize that I had a choice to make and once I knew that, I knew what I had to do. I wanted to live my life with a pain-free heart. I wanted to see the beauty in things again.  I had to change the dynamic of the relationship to fix it because it was holding us both back. In the grander scheme – he was suffocating trying to be what I wanted when it wasn’t what he wanted and I was compromising my needs trying to make it work and it was slowly killing both of our spirits. It was killing both of us – regardless of how much we loved each other, being together wasn’t right at the time. It hurts me every single day that I am away from him, so I don’t know if I feel better, but I know that he still doesn’t want to be with me, so that validates my decision. It has been 8 mos and I still think of him and miss him every day. I feel like he is is a ghost sitting on my shoulders but I trust that will change some day. In the meantime I have made a decision to live my life in a way that is healthier for me, and for him, and I have to believe that it is the right choice. I just have to, because I want more for the both of us. I want to be with someone that loves me back and I want him to be with someone that can make him happy.
    To answer your question….How do we solve this? I don’t know but I wish I did. I think the best we can do is trust that broken hearts eventually heal and trust that things unfold how they are supposed to. At least that is what I am trying my best to do. Best wishes, Charlie. Thank you for your message and I hope your heart heals very soon.

  • Kelly

    Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for the advice. It is exactly what I needed to hear. 

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  • MJAF

    Yes unrequited love is one of the worst experiences one can have and one of the ones that gets the least sympathy from your fellows. Falling in love is akin to an addiction. being in unrequited love ( either from a distance, or after being rejected) is like being in a permanent state of withdrawal – you never heal while there is any contact at all with the person, you just have to get away from them completely and then let time take its course.

  • Guest

    Thank you so much for this.. I’ve been having the hardest time coping with my last break up and this helped me so much. I read it every day. Thank you for reminding me that i can find love again, and that I’ll be okay.

  • JV

    I wish someone would address unrequited love that is externally thwarted. Twice I’ve felt strong romantic attachments to other guys, and it was obvious that the love was mutal, but because of the prohibition on same sex love, unless you’re willing to identify as gay or bisexual, and that carries stereotypes that many people aren’t willing to take on, you can find yourself in the gut wrenching situation of being rejected because you are loved. This is a double whammy that leads to anger and resentment that can’t be directed. Who is responsible for those attitudes and the way society has constructed “appropopriate” desire? No one. So you are left with happy memories and loss and rejection from someone because they love you too much and need the straight identity for its privileges. I understand how this could lead to militant gayness. But once you say you’re gay, there’s a million associations that might not apply to you that you’ve got to live with. It is almost as if the gay stereotype exists to discourage same sex love and affection. That’s been my experience. Get with the program or go sit in the ghetto. I think the only solution is to get the message out that anyone can feel love, strong and romantic, for their own sex, and that it doesn’t mean you’re some genetic freak that needs to be tolerated as a separate type of human being. Until then, “gay” isn’t liberating. It is a threat that destroys beautiful, close romantic friendships.

  • Guest

    This is an awesome post, a bit of an eye opener as to change ones belief of blaming the other for each others failures. 

    I have been married for 20 yrs and have constantly been told that I neglect all around me including the kids and this has changed who I fundamentaly am. I have always seen this as a difference in personal space. I love sports, mechanics and outdoor activities. Getting dirty (real dirt) was one of my favourite past times. All of that is now gone. 

    No longer is there anyone to blame, 

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose Alannah Rose

    If you are aware of triggers, or when you feel emotions arising you can sometimes mentally take a step back and think about them and just observe instead of acting on them.  It just takes self-awareness.  Of course, there are many times when this is not possible, but especially with smaller episodes or arguments or criticisms, I am personally often able to observe and not react. Even at times with much stronger emotions like sadness or hurt, I have been able to stop in the midst of their onset and not allow them to overtake or overwhelm me. I reduce their impact by sitting with them and making them an almost physical entity. What does the sadness or hurt “look” like? Does it have a colour & shape? What are the dimensions? I mentally walk around it and let it stay still until I am able to start to release it and loosen the grip it has on me.

    When I am meditating, things arise (like panic over how much I have to do that day or an unpleasant memoury or fear over something in the future) and I am able to detect the feeling, stop, observe it and basically dismiss it and move on.  Once I established this pattern/ability, it flowed over into my every day life.  When someone does something I’d normally get angry about or argue with, I sense that feeling and recognize it, stop and step outside of it and let it go.  Reacting to things is a choice, and, using mindfulness I have found that I can choose what to react to in many cases.  I am not denying the feelings or bypassing them; I recognize that they are there and I allow myself to feel them but I know that I don’t have to act on them or take them on.  That’s the best way I know how to explain it – I hope that helps.

  • Jacob

    This was beautiful and alot of help
    - thank you

  • Dkamlp621

    This is a beautiful and wise site. Thank u for this.

  • Kiki

    This is exactly what I need now. Im just struggling to decide if I should stay or walk away.

  • Guest

    Thank you. I can’t come up with any other words than these. Thank you. :)

  • Amit Malhotra

    Unfortunately the problem is this  Girls speak differently than guy and sometime guys don’t take things seriously. It does not mean they cannot band for the love they do love with.

    Girl should be straightforward on their need and accordingly they should decide the true love!

    True loves are made, not found!

  • Amit Malhotra

    Verbal Communication is a better tool that we are forgetting to accept that rather typing words , or fb.

    Deserve – there is no ending , but we break hearts to finish / fix desire and that is called selfishness , not love?

  • courage

    I REALLY NEEDED TO READ THIS, I HAVE FELL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT LOVE ME BACK, I HAVE DONE ALL THE POSSIBLE THINGS TO WIN HIS HEART, HIS LOVE, BOU, HE JUST DOESN´T CARE AND I CANT MAKE ANYTHING ELSE, EVERYTIME MY HEART IS BROKEN BY ALL THE THINGS HE DOES I TRY TO FORGET HIM, BUT HE TALKS TO ME, SHOWING SOME INTEREST, BUT THAT`S NOT LOVE, IS JUST A KIND OF “I HAVE TO BE ACCEPTED FOR HER, AND FOR ALL THE PEOPLE AROUND ME” LIKE WHEN SOMEONE GETS MAD WITH YOU…… IM GETTING SICK, I CANT SLEEP THINKING ABOUT HIM, THINKING ABOUT THE OTHERS HE REALLY LOVE, AND THINKING HOW TO WIN HIS LOVE, I CANTTAKE THIS NO MORE, IM SERIOUSLY SICK!!!!!!! AND  I NEED TO BE AWAYY FROM HIM! I MEAN HE SURELY WONT REALIZE  BUT I NEED TO DO THIS FOR ME!!!!! IM GETTING REALLY REALLY SICK, HAVEU EVER SEEN THE BLACK SWAN, MWELL IN THIS MOMENT I FEEL SOMETHING LIKE THAT

  • Abhi

    i have just gone through a breakup from a girl who itruly loved..it was my first relationship and it feels really pathetic..not only did i loose my best friend but a lot of other friends in the process because they were consolilng her even though she wasnt at all affected..i really feel pathetic as i have to see the sight of her flirting,njoying with people nd even my roomates..i hurts to see that she has moved on so easily nd i am still stuck there…it was more of a one sided relationship and just dragged on because i tried so hard..now i have nothing left…what am i supposed to do??

  • Moushumi Kumar

    you can’t pick the person you love.Love picks you.When you love and honour yourself,your relationships change drastically,they heal right in front of your eyes,your partners sometimes mirror back your love or lack of love for yourself.Give yourself the gift of love,honour yourself enough to realise you deserve love to the fullest.In loving someone dont ever loose yourself,if you begin the relationship or ammend the relationship by loving yourself giving yourself and honouring yourself first,noone will be able to hurt you,you will have so much love that all you will give is love,unconditional love.with unconditional love no body gets hurt,nobody misses out,all you feel is love and that love ie real,all else is an obsession and illusion.say yes to unconditional love first for yourself and then for others and watch you life and relationships transform in front of your eyes

  • Debra

    Wow. Spot on. Thanks for sharing.

  • http://www.absoluteplacementtoday.com Samar Wilson

    I think you have very bad experiences but I don’t blame you for this. Most people who come across challenges in relations often let go. This is a bad decision in my opinion. People frequently go through ups and downs in relations, but if there is no physical abuse then things can be turned around. A relation which has seen ups and downs grows stronger but if a person keeps changing partners in search of perfect partner then there is only one bad news. There is nobody out there who thinks and feels exactly like you. You have to mold a bid and give space to your partner to fit in. Like in the job market, a person who frequently changes jobs whenever a better opportunity comes around eventually never grows with or within a company. You have to stay around to get the benefits.

  • http://www.manifestconnection.com/ Kari

    My husband and I have always been happy and in love. This has been while we watched other people crumble, fight, and breakup.

    My opinion? I think the main thing that we have that others don’t is that we built a solid foundation of trust, communication, and honesty right from the beginning. We share everything with each other, even if we think it may cause problems – and that allows us to work through issues that other people may not be able to work through.

    Really it’s about communication and having the courage to tell it like it is and respect your partner for being who they are. If you find someone who is not willing to do that then it may be time to walk away from them. You can’t be fully happy unless you are being honest with who you are after all!

  • Guest

    I found out in October that the man I loved with all my heart was cheating on me with many women – I found this out because one of them had an entire blog devoted to their relationship. I also learned that at the time we met, he had a fiance in another state – he dumped her by vanishing on her –  leaving her heartbroken. When I confronted him on what I had learned, he said I didn’t trust him and therefore he wants nothing to do with me.

    I know that he and I can never be together again but it is hard to accept that a man who claimed to love me could just walk away from me without any regret or even trying to fix it.. But I am learning that sometimes there is no making sense of things, there is only making peace with them.  He  needs to open his own doors and follow his own path because everyone learns in different ways.

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  • Leslie

    I am in the midst of ending a marriage that lasted 38 yrs. I was deceived and could not understand why this person who I loved and trusted all of my adult life suddenly was not interested and let our marriage die. I kept giving love and trusting .There was no talking no hugging no sex , nothing .  . unrequited  . 2 years ago i found he was having an affair… No not with another woman but with drugs  and covering it up nicely I didn’t see it  I trusted him
    So now I am walking away fron this  unrequited love/marriage. and going to live whatever time I have left on this earth. This article made me realize that I am doing the right thing . Thank you Little Buddha   

  • Th3_only_1

    Thank you for writing and share this lovely article. I’m in this kind of situation, and I really need to move on. Enough damaged for my heart, while the person I love probably never been in love with me. Try to work on the relationship . Sad to say, it won’t work if only one person who work the most. So close… But yet … So far…

  • BC Bev

    I was lucky enough to learn a technique called dialectical behavioral therapy. It’s a long and complex treatment but the initial stages involve learning how to simply observe your emotions without judging or getting consumed by them. Google it, don’t be put off by what surrounds it. DEARMAN is a lifesaver. Be well, be patient & be forgiving.

  • Shoeless_deb

    This could have been me – I identify with everything in this article and it has helped at a difficult time. Thank you

  • Michelle Hofmann

    Kelly Richards and I must be kindred souls.  I’ve gone through the same thing and have said everything she wrote almost verbatim.  Excellent article and an example of another strong woman making her way through the journey of self-discovery.  I wish you the best as I do for myself.  I, too, promised myself I will no longer continue as in the past. 

  • D-almeda

    I really needed this. Thank you.

  • M1shka060581

    Spoken in such a way that only a person who has been through the extreme highs and lows could tell information like that. If we could only be addicted to savouring the beauty and not so fiercely set on finding reasons why we aren’t happy and therefore justifying our mistake, love may actually be able to breathe and effortlessly consume us instead of so often choking in sadness and defeat.

  • Danielle V Kuruvilla

    I know what i’m in has to be ended, but how can I do so, when I know i’ll rip him apart. His education will drop and his life will come to a stand-still. I have given it so much, probably all I could. Somehow I feel it isn’t what I want How can I break it, when he is all his parents have ? I love them all very dearly and cannot bear the pain (physically and mentally) and loss, they will all go through. Plz help.

  • Cilene

    I was stuck with Unrequited love all of my damn life. It seems I am as interesting as a big white sheet of paper. My friends where the attractive hot ones, while me… well, according to some of the guys I liked and had the nerve to say something (damn feminism!), I was ugly, a virgin, a good girl… so no love for you! I just got fed up with the whole “love is the ultimate prize in the universe” and quit it. One day I decided I wouldn’t fall in love again or even be interested. I developed an strategy to deal with my interest in men using exactly what they told me I was not good. When I get interested I just tell myself I am fat, ugly, too smart and so on and the man will never pay attention to me because of these things. So, that cuts the interest in a instant. Yep, it is cruel, but if someone has to tell me these things better me than some strange. The important thing is… it works!

  • Nikividsd

    Thank you

  • Carol Roche

    You forgot the first an foremost comment.  You need to love YOURSELF before you can go looking for love elsewhere.  It sounds like you are looking for love, instead of letting it happen.  As soon as you stop focusing on finding it, and start loving yourself as a human, it magically finds you.  I know this for a fact as I was in a devastating relationship for over 13 years until I finally felt I was worth more.  I decided to take care of myself and do things that made me happy.  A few years later, I met my future husband.  We have been together for 20 years now, both living a live full of love and happiness.  I married my BEST FRIEND.  But this love would never have bloomed until I found what made me happy and then someone who could share my happiness.

  • Learningtobealight

    Moushumi how beautiful, how true, this hit home for me I just recently ended a 13year relationship that I was just loving him and not myself. As painful as it is right now I know I will come out on the other side with more wisdom and vision. Yes, you must honor yourself and love yourself first then you are able to love someone else. Also I am really just tapping into unconditional love. I am learning to radiate that to everyone in my life. It’s accepting each others differences and loving them for who they really are. As our job is just to love not to judge or try to fix. That is God’s job not ours. We are all on our own journey.

  • Dfrench53

    My husband and I of almost 5 years of marriage are ok most of the time. But Ive come to realize that we wont ever have anything. Hes disabled and no longer works. Let me back up,,,when I met him I had been single for 3 years and doing ok. I had a good job that paid well, I had a nice home in the country with a fenced yard for my pit-bull and I had friends. I met him while on the job. He asked me out and then asked me to marry him. He made all kinds of promises to me, one was that Id never have to work again if I didn’t want to. At first he drove a truck and I was with him. I enjoyed that very much because I got to see places I would not have been able to otherwise. But that didn’t last because of his health. So we found someplace to live and I worked. I couldn’t make enough money to make ends meet, so when the bills got so behind, he’d find another driving job and just walk away from it all. This has gone on the entire marriage. I have lived in so many different places and been in so many different trucks and companys, that I can’t even count. My once pretty decent credit is now down the tubes from so many times of walking away. I now know that no matter where we live and where I work, we’ll never be able to make ends meet because he spends like hes got a tree that grows the stuff. I know that I need to walk away and try to make it on my own again somewhere else, but I love him,,,and I know he can’t live on his small income alone and I just can’t do that to him. He means well because when he spends money hes doing things for me, but I tell him that all I want is to save what we can and get out of debt and hopefully buy someplace small and cheap. Then we’d be able to live on his small income. Im torn completely and just don’t know what to do.

  • Wu294829

    thank you

  • Cassettya

    Wow. Thank u

  • Sue

    My name is Sue,my boyfriend left me for another girl seven months ago ever since then my life have been filled with pains, sorrow and heart break because he was my first love who dis virgin me when i was 19 years old about two years ago. A friend of mine told me he saw some testimonies of this great temple obolospelltemple@gmail.com that he can bring back my lover within some few days. l consulted the great Dr Ode and to my greatest suprise after Three days my boyfriend called me for the very first time after seven months begging for my forgiveness and that he is so sorry for every thing he made me went through. i still can’t believe it, because it just too real to be real.  Thank you Obolospelltemple@gmail.com for bringing back my lover and also to my lovely friend who introduce me to this temple

  • Ourappletree

    I’ve been reading so many articles the last few days. This article somehow brought me calmness and gave me hope as I’m hurting. My boyfriend and I haven’t broken up, just not talking for 3 days after a fight but it brings me to tears reading this because I imagined if we will break up I will go back and read this again…and the pain might not stop. Thank you for a lovely article and uplifting spirit.

  • Shelly

    thank you. i know walking away will be doing him a favour… but i have to love myself first too.

  • Susie

    I am in a failing relationship. My boyfriend is a bi-polar alcoholic and addicted to smoking pot.  Our relationship doesn’t stand a chance because he’s already in a relationship with his addictions.  The worst part is that I am the enabler.  I know that this is an Al-Anon perspective, but I’m  trying to learn from the buddhist perspective.  Neither of us can stop being together, but he’s no longer an affectionate person with me.  I am no longer passionate, inspired, and I feel completely drained.  I can’t help being hard on myself and blaming myself for all of the mistakes that I’ve made.  At the same time I tell myself that I deserve better, I feel like I’m getting what I deserve. I had a dream last night of an ex-lover who used to drink alot, same as my current boyfriend.  In my dream, he was sober, beautfiul, radiant, and so happy.  We had a little girl with wavy long hair.  We were a family and we were so changed and so completely happy.  In my dream, I was a voyeur watching my life and then I found myself walking towards the family and the other me and as I neared my other me, I became the other me and I was living in that moment.  Happy with my family.  It was the sweetest yet saddest dream ever. I’ve never been realistic about wanting a family, but this dream made me yearn for this life so much. I’m tearing up as I write this. :-( I don’t wish this emptiness on anyone. 

  • Lilybet18

    I cannot begin to thank you enough for this amazing article. I recently met someone I thought was my soul mate. We knew each other so briefly, but the feelings were real. He told me he was moving away, starting a new life and I never intended to fall for him the way I did. Days before he left I went all in on how I felt for him. And he told me he felt the same and yet still had to go. I knew I had to let him leave but I am struggling so hard to let him go. Even when he won’t return a simple text message. I pray each day he realizes what he’s missing out on and contacts me but after reading all of these comments I suppose that will probably never happen. I wish I could’ve listened to my grandmothers advice. She said “love someone, but keep a little of yourself for yourself. ” Incredibly wise woman.

  • audie

    I can’t believe how mich this hit home for me. It’s so hard right now, but this post is just so true. Reminds me of the two quotes Ive been passing through my mind the last week after having my LAST disasterous break up/heartache.

    “it took a while to understand the beauty of just letting go cause it would take an acrobat, and Ive already tried all that…Im gonna let him fly” dixie chicks from let him fly
    “miss ruth was a lady and a lady always knows when to leave” fried green tomatoes (the context was different but the overall quote was applied to Ruth’s way of life in general

  • JoseJoseJose92

    I met a boy who I’ve known for quite a while, since I was about fifteen, I’m twenty now. Recently we started dating around last year. We’ve spent every day and every night together for the past year and I honestly gave myself to him like no one else before. Never have I felt this sort of love, I’ve fallen for guys before, I’ve dated and what not but no one has ever stricken a chord with me like my now ex boyfriend has. I honestly fell head over heels for him and I’ve shared such beautiful moments with him. But yesterday he told me that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore and he broke up with me. All day today I’ve tried and I’ve tried, I’ve begged and I’ve cried and he just sees past everything and tells me he’s done and doesn’t care anymore. He said he’s disgusted by me (personality) and he says he wants nothing to do with me anymore. I don’t know what to do, I feel as if my world has come crumbling down. I’ve spent all my days and all my nights with him, falling in love exploring the world and talking about our future together that we are no longer going to have and it kills me. As silly as it sounds I truly thought he was my soulmate/twinflame if there is such things, I truly did. Nothing in the world makes me happier than him and when he’s happy. Although times he may bug me and purposely hurt me I look past all that because I truly love him and I don’t want to lose. I don’t let my anger or my ego get the best of me, i swallow my pride and I let it go because I know that being without him would be devastating. The sad thing he on the other hand doesn’t, he lets his anger, hatred, and ego get the best of him turning him into a cruel cruel person. He doesn’t let it go and doesn’t swallow his pride and continuously tries to hurt me and well now he’s broken up with me and he says that’s it and to move on. But how can I when I built so much with him in terms of our future, love, and trust. I honestly have never been so committed to anyone like I have with him, and I tried I really did. I gave him my all, my soul, and my heart and it just hurts that a few days ago he was kissing me, holding me, telling me how much he loved me always and forever. And now it’s just gone and I’m left alone with my tears and the suffering of my broken heart. I hope and wish that somehow all of this is part of God’s plan and we’re just going through a hard time. I don’t want to lose him, I really don’t and nor do I want to meet anyone else and fall for anyone else. I’m so happy with him, so so so happy. And I just don’t understand what could have changed, I really don’t. I feel like I’m dying, this suffering of the heart hurts me more than anything in this world.

  • Alexandracourson

    I’m in so much pain right now. I needed to read this desperately. Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ronald.edwards.505 Ronald Edwards

    God I hope you’re right.  I really do.

  • Leah

    This article has really touched me and talked to me. I’m at the stage where talking has failed and words have no meaning yet I’m finding it really difficult to walk away but now I know this is the inevitable.
    The pain is too much to carry and the worry of not been able to love or find love again is what has kept in this toxic relationship for soo long.
    Reading this and other comments below has given me faith that ending a destructive relationship while you soo desperately want the person to love and respect you is not the end.
    I’m sure that there is a happy ending somewhere out there and when it happens I will appreciate it more because of what I have been through.

  • Mark

    This is an interesting article. I’m probably not the typical respondent, but I’ve probably reacted very differently – and sadly – to unrequited love than most. I just wanted to add my thoughts.
    I’m a 55 year old man (never married, but who’s loved deeply and has always wanted to make a commitment with all my heart) who’s had very short romantic relationships, ended by the women deciding she didn’t want to see me anymore. I don’t want to get into any details. It’s too painful.( Nice guy. No alcohol, no tobacco, no drugs. Just a man who cares deeply whose love has not been reciprocated)
    When I’ve fallen, I’ve fallen very hard. ( but not frequently). Maybe this is the problem, but, for me to date, I have to have, or at least have a sense that I have strong feelings for the woman, when meeting her – almost like being in love at first sight. I believe that’s very possible. For those who disagree about that notion, well, I disagree with you.( I’ve heard women say that they weren’t attracted to their husbands when they met them, but they ended up falling in love over time. That’s emotionally incomprehensible to me.)
    The hurt just seems to have built up to where I just stopped even trying to meet women. This has gone on for a very long time. The last time – over 2 1/2 years ago. The time before that – well I’ll just say infinitely longer. No one would believe me if I said how long. Maybe I’m just emotionally wired very wrong. I don’t know.
    Even now though, I met a very pretty, sweet woman who I fell for and met within the last couple months. She’s a friend who acknowledges our friendship, but unfortunately for me she’s married. I care about her very much and she knows that too and thinks I’m a very sweet man. I find happiness in that and romantically love her and her friendship.. I know my feelings can’t be reciprocated and I accept that. But, it still hurts. Of course she hasn’t “done” anything to hurt me, but I still hurt.
    I guess the point of all my rambling is that I just can’t let go of hurt easily. I can’t date for the sake of dating. Have NEVER been able to do that. EVER. If I don’t “feel” romantically attracted to the woman right away, dating almost seems pointless to me. Don’t get me wrong. I can think the woman is nice and attractive and “pretty”, but I may not “feel” attracted to her in the way I feel I need to be to date. I realize this is a screwed up way to feel, but it’s how I need to feel. Otherwise, it would feel like I was dating my sister. I love my sister, but I don’t love my sister. I’m sure people know what I mean.
    I’m an incureable romantic who’s always wanted to “feel” in love and have that reciprocated. Tragically, I’ve never experienced the reciprocation part.( well, actually once, the woman said “I love you very much my darling”, but ended up telling me she decided she didn’t want to see me again)
    I’ve never been able to walk away from hurt (it always stayed with me) – until and except when I’ve RARELY met, out of the blue, the woman I fell in love with again, by just dumb luck. .Like the woman now. Even if I had a chance with her – we’re friends and I know she likes me as such, but…- I would not cross that line. This is the worst position to be in Loving a woman I can’t have but not be able to move on. I met this woman out of the blue. I wasn’t even trying.
    I believe it’s too late for me. I want so much to experience the reciprocation of romantic love, but I’m scared to death of the rejection – again. The funny thing is, that I could and would commit to this woman with all my heart, but, as I said I don’t cross the line since she’s married.(BTW _ not that it makes any difference – she’s not much younger than me. She’s 49)
    So I live in that purgatory existence. I’m in love with a woman I can’t have and can’t move on because she’s so stuck in my heart. I wish I could be “normal”, but I will always love her. Good luck to all of you who read this. As a Christian I do have my faith to go on. Thankfully. I once thought that God had made me so that I could be as I am – celibate for life. I know that’s not the case because I have desires. I just can’t get by the hurt of rejection. Uggghhhhh.

  • Eimie

    Thanks for these words. Beautifully written & certainly eye opener for me. I hope I can feel the same calmness & acceptance you have that seem to reflect on these words. I need this realization right now.

  • LovingK4ever

    I tried to let him out of my heart last year, but caved in & went back. I love him with all my heart, but nothing I do or say seems to matter. He knows how I feel, but his feelings are not the same as mine. I’m stuck in a cycle I can’t seem to get out of. I’m trying to keep busy, do things with friends, but all I want is him by my side..nothing feels good to me. I’m trying to figure out how to love myself, but I can’t seem to do that because part of my heart is with him. I have written & rehearsed what I need to say to him over & over. I said it once, but then I just caved & went back to these same feelings. I feel like I’m trapped. I feel so pathetic & like a fool sometimes. I tried to forget him by dating others, but the feelings are still there & just resurface. I met him 2 years ago; we dated for 8 months, then we just kept friendly contact now & then. He was recently very ill, but is now well. I gave him emotional support during that time, of which he was ever so grateful. If I had only one wish to make, it would be to be with him for the rest of my life.

  • LsE

    Oh the agony! Why is love the thing that can bring us to our knees with the deepest pain or the most uplifting joy. I feel so lost right now. In this situation with my boyfriend. Sometimes I don’t know if I am the screwed up one who needs to work on myself. Or if it is the relationship that isn’t working. I kill myself with my thoughts and get frustrated that he “doesn’t get me.” I take turns hating him and hating myself. Although I do not hate him, I hate that the relationship is not working. The same issue keeps coming up and I feel dumb for not realizing. Yet, we have many good times and I am trying to keep God in my life, and keep praying and feeling like it will all work out. Am I being naive? I don’t know what to think. I feel lonely. Ugh my head and my heart are tired.

    I feel that I love him and don’t want to drag him across this battle field. Yet I have a habit of pushing people away. I don’t know what to do. HELP! :’(

  • http://en-gb.facebook.com/people/Denise-Lane-Painter/1141683267 Denise Lane Painter

    I see a lot of pain here, both in this blog and the responses, and it hurts me to know that there are so many people out there in pain like this. To those who say “I know I should move on, but I can’t, because *they* will fall apart, their life will fall apart, they will not be able to take care of themselves, etc.”, I would give this advice: think seriously about what will be harder for you to live with and cost you the most pain – years and years of staying with this person while they suck the life out of you, while they focus on themselves rather than you, while they continue to keep you in poverty, homeless, untrusting, depressed, lonely, feeling unattractive….or breaking free, living the life you deserve, and feeling some guilt because that person has to now take care of themselves? I ask this because I once mistakenly fell in love with a man who had serious mental issues. 80% of the time he was perfectly fine, but that other 20% was hell. Because of these issues he could not keep a job, could not sustain long-term friendships, etc. When I finally realized that our relationship was very much a one-way street, I ended it. Two nights later he attempted suicide, and told the hospital it was because I left him for another man (I did not). He also gave the hospital my name as responsible, and as next of kin, so I became entangled in a legal and emotional web I did not need. I felt incredibly guilty that I had driven him to this point, and got back together with him for another six months. It was such a huge mistake – he realized he had an emotional hold on me (guilt) and any time he wanted to manipulate me he would say things like “If you leave me I’ll just die” or “I would be homeless if it weren’t for you”. I finally decided that I would rather feel guilty if he killed himself than live life a hostage, and I went so far as to move to another state to get away from him. Well, he didn’t kill himself, he eventually descended into madness and was institutionalized. He almost killed the woman he was with at the time. I loved him madly. It broke my heart, but I survived. You will too. Life will get better for you. The one thing I cannot stress enough is GET COUNSELING. Join a support group or find out if you qualify for sliding fee scale or see if your insurance covers it, but find a qualified relationship counselor and take some time. It will be the best thing you can do for yourself. To the person who tells herself she is ugly, you are wrong. You are beautiful. All life is beautiful. You too need to find a counselor or support group. Love yourself. The rest will come to pass.

  • deadlock

    Absolutely. It’s as if we seek validation from turning unavailable partners into available and loving ones. If there’s someone available, we panic. On a subconscious level we put ourselves into situations that are unhealthy and toxic. At some point in life we realize that we must love and respect ourselves first. This will prevent us from unhealthy relationships and open new doors for people who treat us with love, care and respect.

  • abby

    I love my boyfriend but I feel its just not working for me..I know I need to end it but can’t find the words as I want to find the best way to end it. I know its never gonna be nice. But I can’t just say its not working and its over?

  • Shelby

    I read your comment every day.. thank you so much. You have made me stronger day by day.

  • Sandiggity

    There is someone for everybody. I firmly believe that, if I didn’t I think I would begin to crumble just as my marriage did. Life has many lessons for us to learn and embrace. Taking and learning from a past relationship, whether romantic or friendship, is essential to our happiness. You will find your yin.

  • fairlynormal!

    I love a person who is emotionally unavailable. It is not a healthy thing to do for me! It has been 5.5 years and no commitment from him. So 2 days ago I told him that he is selfish to continue to be in my life knowing that I want more but knowing he cannot totally commit. I have not heard from him since then!!! Silence says it all. This time I want to get over it. I wanted to text to ask him if he was ok, but then I realised that he hasn’t asked how I am. No contact is difficult after spending so much time together but it is the right thing to do?? x

  • E

    I came across this article while searching for how to heal unrequited love. I want to thank you for writing this and giving me hope that the man who will love me as much as I would love him, is out there. I just ended a friendship a month ago then was just draining me. I liked him so much, we shared so much in common, he was just different from all the guys I met. I thought he actually liked me… and chose to let my guard down. But he didn’t like me at all. All he did was treated me like a friend with actions that could have been misread. I kept giving myself hope that one day he will see me as someone he can be with but it was silly. Overtime, it just started to show that he treats all girls in the “special” way. I cannot be more thankful that I chose to walk away from a relationship that no longer served me but only troubled me. I still miss him at times and even wonder how he could not even have fallen for me when we clearly enjoyed spending so much time together… which explains why I googled for how to heal. A friend told me “love is not a weakness, its a strength”. The fact that you dared to love someone and put your heart out there shows that you are a brave person. It has not been easy but cutting him off was the best thing I ever did.

  • Jo

    I will never give up on getting my ex back even though she treats me badly and her cruelty is slowly killing me.

  • Marshmallow

    Dear Jo, My heart goes put to you. You deserve more than this. I know it is hard … it was a year ago this week that I found out my ex was telling other women he loved them. If it was just sex, it would have been easier to deal with. It gets better if you let it.

  • Letting go

    Hi kelly, thanks for your words. I stumble to this site looking for courage to let go of someone that doesn’t want to commit. I wish i can be strong just like you. But i just pathetically cave in each time. I started to lose count when was the last time i said to myself to break this damn cycle.

  • Suleyma R.

    As I read this I couldn’t help but to relate it to my many failed love experiences. It’s so hard to love without expectations and assumptions. That’s key!

  • Luke

    I relate to your heartache. Yes, you can be grateful and thankful for the love you felt and move on. I learned that this valuable lesson for me came down to self worth. It was hatd to fully see but you may want to consider the fact you may be a ‘love addict’. It’s a real addiction. It manifests as you choosing ‘love avoidants’ and both of you pushing each others primary and secondary fears (abandonment and intimacy). What was the exact moment you dived in? Was it because you felt they were slipping away and you wanted to fix the situation? Id love a hectic, worrisome feeling or smooth and pure? You must feel that love feeling you know in your heart and being, that joyous energy and give it I agree. But toy yourself, first. Find reciprocation within. You can rely on you, and a higher power. The pain is a result of not getting what you want from the other person, love returned and received. Practise receiving from yourself. In, truth your partnerd were not healthy or capable and you were more than likely coaddicted or codependent or both. Go slow. Explore other levels of intimacy – mental, spiritual before the physical. Make a friend first and break society’s dating pattern/expectation of physical then emotional understandin etc. Exercise your self control anf don’t make decisions and act out on ‘how you feel’ in the beginning stages. Transfer your awesome beautiful energy of lwanting to give to the other person back to you and give to your own life outside that ‘other person connection’/potential relationship. “oh this is the one! finally! yes! ultimate soul ecstasy land pleasure!” Remember the quote, “fools rush in where angels fear to tred!” Don’t be all noble and misunderstand love. You may be confusing it with lust? “love is patient, love is kind…” Real Love takes time to grow. You don’t have a rose garden after one watering. I truly believe you wil attract the right love for you when you give to yourself first and your life. Meditate to God and find solace

  • Jenna

    I am reading this article after breaking things off after a short but tumultuous relationship. It was one of those things that happened so quickly but ended even more quickly. I had never felt this way about someone and was beginning to feel like I would never love someone. It just happens that the first person I fell for, wasn’t ready for me or for what I wanted. So I walked away. I didn’t want to be a convenience to him and let him get what he needed, but without the emotional responsibility and companionship that I needed. I wonder now if I was asking for too much from him and if I should have just been satisfied with what I did get from him. I spent most of the time daydreaming about when he was going to realize that I was worth the risk and decided that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. I guess I won’t know. I am sad that he will find someone who is and gives him what he wanted, I know I should be happy if that does happen, but it makes me feel like I am flawed in some way. Anyways, I just wanted to share my story.

  • Naomi

    Wow, having just finished a relationship, num 6 was beautifully written. It shocked me to read it, but felt a rush of calmness and I knew then I needed to accept that its over.

  • 18 year heartache

    You know i had a glimpse of hope and i sobered up and was giving everything i hsd because all i truly want is a chance to be a good father and a good husband and when she tolf me all she wants is to be friends it killed me and i went over they deep end but i know i can no. longer do that i have to stay sober deal with t he heartache and be a good fsther to my kids pray for me

  • Jr

    Wow, so true! Thanks for this article!

  • Dawn Killian

    Thank you so very much.
    My heart is struggling and I am so sad. Knowing that I must let go and appreciate the lessons while being thankful for the opportunity and the beauty doesn’t make it easy to BE this way, yet! This is surely a lesson in ‘suffering stems from attachment, release the attachment and cease to suffer.’

    Don’t all in love easy or often. At 43 I did. And it was too much or the wrong time… I was told ‘the path forks here’. There is kindness there in being let go. BUT I can’t feel it yet.

    I wasn’t looking for ove when it clobbered my up side the head in the very instant I first laid eyes and hugged this man. A celestial solar flare ignited and burns even now. Know to release it, just let it burn away…it will flow away with no one to flow around. If the doing was as simple to enact as thknowing we would all be much closer to enlightenment.

    We never argued or even fought, yet he told me in the beginning that ‘we will see’ when already I had fallen so hard for him. I was simply not convienent, it was not good timing, it was difficult, I wasnt part of his plans and didnt fit well… Or at least so I guess. His presence in my life opened doors to art, glass and metals . I was so amazed that I could love! That I wasn’t so flawed as to never be worthy of the experience. I wish there was something I could be angry about, it might make the tears easier to stop. It’s hard to love one that every one views as incredible, a national unaccredited hero putting his values into such service, all that tremendous power of compassion fortitude and service is focused beyond self, not allowing much room or time for personal love. How does one recovery? Yes one should be grateful and full of respect for the expereince, but if I am grateful, was he not blessed to know I? How does one meet another man someday in the the future and not compare? Or more simply, that’s a kind sounding platitude for saying “I don’t love you the same way.”

    I am not ready to let go yet. I know I need to. I am ready for the sadness and tears to be gone and for my heart to be filled with light and peace. This story will help me get to the next stage. SOON. PLEASE!

    Fialte,

    Dawn

  • Yasi

    God. I feel the same way. Only I’ve made this mistake twice. I spent 7 years loving a man who I was with for less than a year, and when someone else finally came along, I juggled my feelings between both. I fell deeply in love again, with that new partner, but though he said he loved me earlier, he eventually left me; claiming he did not love me as strongly as I loved him, and that he could no longer reciprocate. It’s been a year and I am still a mess. It’s hard and it’s cruel; but I think self-love may be the balm we need. If you truly love yourself, you’ll set yourself free. But if you can’t let go, if you’re torturing yourself like I have been, you can’t loosen those shackles that keep you in bondage. You have to love yourself enough to get away; because what binds you to her memory is not love, but fear. Fear of loss, fear of becoming vunerable again, fear of failure, fear of watching your heart die and your dreams waste away.
    The only thing that can best fear is courage; and all it requires is a mustard seed of strength and the audacity to water it. Love blooms when you’re courageous enough to cast fear aside, when your vulnerable but brave enough to say, my love for myself is so strong, that though exposed, I can love you without fear of losing myself no matter what; because my love does not entitle me to own you. It is a gift I merely give you; and THAT joy is my joy. If your partner leaves, it does not nulify your gift. Love was given, and though it cannot be returned, that love will become a part of the person you bestowed it on. Remember that. Love is not a person. It is a feeling and it wears many faces. It may shift, and it may change, but it doesn’t die. It becomes new again in the heart of the person touched by it; and it will touch another on your beloved’s journey; and one day; all things being cyclical, it will find you again. It will happen when you draw it to yourself with the love you project; Because love cannot resist love that courageously gives of itself; and wrapping itself in the arms of that old friend that it once knew so long ago, it will finally say ‘I’m home’.

  • Tiny Warrior

    These are very wise words. Thank you and namaste, Deadlock.

  • Liberty

    “You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.”

    As a blanket statement the above is unequivocally untrue. Maybe you’ll find it again but maybe you won’t. A bunch of people don’t.

  • Liberty

    Charlie – I couldn’t agree with you more. True love never dies no matter who it’s for. Personally, I wouldn’t want to be in love with someone who finds me interchangeable with anyone else. Even though suffering the long term excruciating pain of unrequited love I know that loving any less isn’t love at all.

  • Jennah

    True love waits. ^_^

  • lou

    i was friends with a guy and it turned into more, it was great to begin with alot of flirting and texting and texting…. i struggled to begin with as we had completely different up bringing,and lot of conditions came with it due to his religion and cultural background… but i found myself being curious and he grew on me. he told me he couldn’t commit and i admired his honesty but was thrown back a little, but i continued seeing him, he became confusing which confused me, this was wearing me as the days went by.
    He said he wanted to be friends and i agreed , although i didn’t want that i still cared for him.

    I really hurt and feel sad , i miss him he still texts not as much i am finding this confusing as it give me mixed messages from his behalf,, i am trying to be strong and accept i will never be who he wants me to be, i will not change for anyone and am a strong minded person in general…. how do move on and not hurt as much i want to be happy not sad ?

  • liz

    I am dying because i felt i must. Not. Quit

  • Jing Wu

    How can you say that? I found it too idealistc, we all expect something back for the love we give in some form, even a smile.

    Learning to walk away is crutial. For being dumped Vs dumping, being dumped is far more damaging for one’s self-esteem. There are some apperantly charming people out there who will watch you fall for them, and enjoyed the ego boost, and at no point in this process were they thinking about a long term with you. The best solution is to run away fast from this deadly animal – showing the first sign of being a love vampire.The more you give in with your time,effort, kindness, forgiveness, love, the more your boost their’s ego, and the more you lower your own. Till they suck the life out of you. So think no more, wish no more. Shift, fast!

  • God is love

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on love. It was very enlighten to know I was not alone. I have experienced the same thing this year. When the relationship crumbled it blindsided me. I’m still in the ICU however my recovery is coming along well. I was order to spend time with God, reflect, spend more time loving on me and accepting me for the wonderful women I am. Not to use the broken society’s way to find instant unhealthy STD love. But to be patient, enjoy the journey, and encourage another broken women’s or man’s heart that is experienced the same thing I have. So far I’ve been taken my prescription as recommended..

  • God’s love

    I agree

  • Boreas

    I believe every single person has their own unique story when it comes to love. I have been reading so many things about unrequited love and I came to this conclusion. Because non of the general ideas and statements, nobody’s story is same or any similar to my situation.

    He is my classmate from highschool. In the first year, (2001) when i started to get to know him, he slowly grew on me. It was happening so naturally and sweetly. We were almost becoming good friends when I first named my feelings about him and decided to tell him so. I got rejected without any specific explanation. I am not the the type that gives up so quickly so I started to try harder to get his attention, tried to make him see how i truly love him but nothing changed. The problem is as he was trying to avoid me, he grew on me even bigger and bigger each day. We were in the same dang classroom every single day where all i was doing was just watching him. I have always felt that he is as perfect for me as if he was specifically designed according to my wishes by the god in all terms. Physically, mentally, emotionally, with his life style and behaviours, with everything he has. There is a strong connection, so many common things. Here is a funny thing, that used to happen super frequently: during classes, let’s say, something happened and i was thinking something about that, a few seconds later he used to say that very exact thing that i was thinking out loud. Anyways, later we had a small talk and he said that he had a girlfriend (from another school) that he was serious with. Well, he never ever had talked about such a girlfriend before, and i had never heard of that. And to be honest, I found it funny to hear that “serious” word from a 17yearold boy.? LOL I thought he was just lying to keep me away. But that was the time when i have lost most of my hopes on him. But still, I tried till we graduated.(2004) I didn’t care about my own pride or anything. I just loved and wanted him so bad. But I didn’t realize how much i was annoying him.

    After we graduated, when i hadn’t seen him over 2 years(2006), I decided to contact him again via e-mail. I told him that i missed him, and wanted to see him sometime. This time things got a little bit harsh. He said “please just don’t see or even know me ever again” After that I was very determined to let him go forever and heal my horribly-broken heart. At those years I was at collage, busy with a new environment, new people, got my very first, very own car… etc. It seemed like life was going on, things were changing and i was really getting over him. But I was actually perfectly fooling myself. That was good, i was feeling ok. When it comes to get closer to another person, it never worked. Whenever I feel someone is kinda in to me, I never let them go further. It is not something I do conciously, it is kinda, automatic. Just nobody is “him” I don’t feel anything to anyone else. That never happened.

    This year(2012), one night in my dream, i saw him getting married. When i woke up, my heart was aching and he was all over me, in every single dang cell of my body. 3 months later, after not seeing him even once for full 8 years, I learned that he was going to a highschool reunion kind of activity at school by coincidence. And I found myself literally “running” to see him. When i saw him after all that time, I felt like a little kid who was allowed to have all the toys and candies in the world. I was happy like a baby. I mean it was so pure, so nice, so natural, so comfortable… Being able to see him again was like a gift from god to me, cuz i really had prayed a lot to see him just for once, even from far away was more than great. God gave me more than I asked for. That evening, he smiled to me sincerely, asked how I was… I hold his hand with both my hands and I said “i am great” while gazing in to his gorgeous eyes! LOL How could I be “not good” in that position? It was the best feeling I have ever had in last 10 years. Just for a second, it was like I actually found him. But nopes, the next second I saw that very familiar distance in his eyes, realized nothing has changed, he was just being polite. Nothing else. But i got lost in his magical smile… again…

    Another reason that I went there that evening was to see weather if I really still love him that much or was i just being stupid because of a stupid dream. I wanted to test myself, see how I would actually feel when I see him. Cuz it had been a very long time. Now I know that, unfortunately, I see that I have never ever gotten over him. I long for him even more. And I know that nobody can ever actually be “him” or take his place.

    I have cried for 5 months after that evening. Now I am back to my
    standart happiness level which is not very bright in general, but well,
    that’s my normal. So I am back to normal. I am going on, living my life but the “lack of him” never goes away. That’s how I live. Sad but that’s it. I don’t know if I can ever make myself marry someone. Actually, as we can’t control our feelings, May be… I say, may be someday, someone will come and may be I will fall in love again, love that person even more than him… who knows? may be…

    Like in this quote:
    “Unrequited love does not die; it’s only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded. For some unfortunates, it turns bitter and mean, and those who come after pay the price for the hurt done by the one who came before.” ~ Elle Newmark, The Book of Unholy Mischi

  • Boreas

    So in my case, neither distance, nor time could heal my heart even if I really did try. All those years without seeing him not even once, didn’t help me. Nothing has changed. I was 16-17 when i fell in love with him, now I am 27, almost 28… I did grow up, my thoughts changed, my habits changed, my life changed, my mind changed, my understanding, my logic changed, I changed, but my heart didn’t change at all. He changed too for sure, he was a young boy, now he is a man and I fell in love with him all over again…

    Oh I almost forgot to tell the saddest part. That girlfriend he was talking about… the “serious” one. Well, he was right. They are still together, for 10 years now. I am trying to get myself ready to see their wedding photos on facebook. When that day comes, I have no idea how I can bare with that but… I will try to survive through it…

  • Boreas

    I mean if he had been a guy who dates several girls one after the other, it would hurt less. The fact that he actually loves the other girl, and faithfully together with her for years, kills me. I don’t hate anyone for what happened to me but… you know. I keep asking “why me?” Why couldn’t I be his “special only one” instead of that girl? What was my mistake? What does she have that I don’t? Why is she so lucky? Why is it me who is suffering?

  • michael guild

    Thank you for this article. I agree with all of it.

    I want to say that not adding to the flames can be difficult if you let your ego overlap who you are and what you stand for. This is a lot easier when you are the one that left the relationship vs vice versa.

    My partner recently left me and it’s been very hard to be mature and not let my ego or negative thoughts drive me. For the most part, I’ve been good about this but at the same time, closure helps a lot.

  • michael guild

    I believe it’s over when someone decides its over. I could be wrong… :P

    For instance, we were failing to communicate so I suggested that we see a relationship counselor because we were doing very poor communication. She avoided communication a lot and decided to end it.

    I know that if we learned to communicate better then things could’ve grown but I guess it just wasn’t ment to be :/

    Idk :P

  • RNG

    I do a lot of reading, and I am rarely moved by such words but honestly Yasi, your interpretation of love and your insight has truly moved me. Thank you so much.

  • Brett Crispin

    I have recently had to walk away from the Love of my Life because she didn’t love me back. I’ve started a blog about it http://gettingoveralice.wordpress.com/

    Does anyone know how long these things take to get over?

  • Mrs Quintero

    Never give up on someone…
    There’s always a chance to make it right… if both your hearts are in it!

  • chae

    Respect the hell out of your testimony thank you

  • Leticia

    That was nice often times we get used to being with someone that the thought of starting over scareds many of us but as time passes and you reach a understanding of what has went wrong and hasn’t been fixs but addressed its problably best to save atleast a friendship

  • Daybreaking67

    Dear Kelly… what if you had True Love Married 18 years….The Love is still standing but the forgiving is so difficult when the remembering fades in. Dawn :)

  • dawn

    Michelle ur so right but what if you really cant decide?

  • See

    What if you both don’t wantt to let each other go , its more than love its pure connection like….you met before. You pray together ,laugh and cry , what How. about its deeper than just “letting go”

  • Epiphanygirl

    This article helped med realize that “the lets be friends” was my way to hold on to something with this person that is not there anymore. Even though I thought he was the one, that this match was perfect, I have to let to before I become like you said, raw. It just isn’t going to work. So today I make a promise to myself that I choose to love myself and let go.

  • Orval Taylor

    Its like this explains how I am piece by piece.. This made me cry!!

  • MM1001

    Amen! Thank you for pointing that out. I can appreciate optimism just as much as the next person, but the message that it’ll be OK when statistics show otherwise–and indeed when there doesn’t appear to be any natural reason things should be “OK”–is to me at the very least disingenuous and patronizing. Love isn’t some universally distributed or statistically highly probable phenomenon, like the ratio of atoms comprising a particular molecule or the relationship between temperature and atomic motion. We may crave love, but in no way is the universe obliged to satisfy our craving.

    After decades listening to experts’ pronouncements on relationships and love, I conclude that some people are simply luckier than others in this regard. No amount of effort guarantees either that romantic love appears or persists. And no amount of time or distance guarantees amelioration for a lifetime of sequentially unrequited love. Life can simply be brutal. That we humans are social creatures with a legitimate, quantifiable need for intimacy–a need which for many nevertheless goes unmet, with evidenced negative physiological and behavioral consequences–underscores the disjunction between what we hope for in life and the way life may play out.

    No, we may not find love again. And if we ever do, there’s no guarantee that it will feel/be better.

  • Katie

    Thank you, this is lovely and Im so glad I stumbled into it today. I’m saving it and will read several times, it is the kind of wisdom that really resonates with me and Im so thankful you out it out to share with us.

  • u2

    Thanks for the great post. I fell in love in the 4th grade and he never loved me back and I never got over it. I am 45 and I never married and I thought I was the only one who “let” a unrequited love ruin her life. I forgot about him, like you are supposed to do. I met other people, like everyone advises. But it turns out you don’t always get over things like everyone thinks you should. Maybe some people pair bond for life and it sticks and there isn’t a cure. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. It’s so weird.

  • Boreas

    It IS so weird.. I feel the same. There is no cure for this. But I also think that actually most of the people on the world normally can’t get together with the one they truly love, As far as I see most of them never even meet that person but they just go for whoever they can find just for the sake of having “someone”, havig kids, for being seen as “normal” in the society… etc. I also see that most of the people somehow manage not to care, as I said go for whatever they can find and still be happy anyways. But people like me,,, Well, I just can’t make myself touch someone else. When I say this it sounds stupid but, I don’t know how to explain it too but I do understand what you can’t explain very well. That feeling is something invisible and totally out of all terms of logic but it is there and it is super strong. It does make me feel super idiot for closing my heart/my life to none else because of someone who doesn’t even care, think about me for a second. All that logic, knowing that must let go don’t help in such a situation.

  • kaz

    This is the situation ive found myself in,and i know exactly what I need to do.im trying my hardest to find the strength to do it.thank you.

  • Michael

    2 years ago, I met and fell in love with this girl-everything seemed to mesh. However, she wasn’t happy with how her life was turning out. We always had fun together; she always told me that I was the man she had been looking for. Last fall, she decided to make a change in he life and joined a Christian church. I’ve gone from being the man she’s always wanted to something she stepped in and is slowly scraping of her shoes, hoping I don’t notice. It’s no use trying to have an adult conversation about things, because invariably, I’m subject to attacks and criticism-many very personal. How do I end this? I am frightened that I’ll never find anyone else, and that she , so easily wasd able to hate me

  • Ben

    I think about this all the time now and that was my conflict. But I decided to end it because the pain of staying in such a relationship would be too great and eat me alive, raw to the bone.

  • MASNEW

    Thanks for sharing your story. Your story really hit home with me. I’m actually going through this healing process right now. With time it doesn’t sting as much but I definitely have moments when I do have my down days. I just wanted to say thanks again for sharing!

  • anonymous

    I feel used I want him to hurt too, he is selfish n self centred, I really hate this feeling. I loved him I love him, he cheated abused my feelings n now I hate myself cause I feel like I cud hv been better, I love him da kind of love people write novels about. I hv never felt so embarrassed so hurt so disgusted in my life. I cry almost everyday when I realise dat he is using n used me I just want him to feel da pain I feel.

  • Carl

    Boreas, do not give up. I felt exactly the same as you now, totally preoccupied with a previous unrequited love I didn’t let myself feel anything for anyone for a long, long time. It just didn’t happen and I didn’t really want it to. But within the last year I have found myself feeling love for new people, and it’s the same amazing pure and crazy feeling as before. You just haven’t come across people who stir those feelings within you. You care capable of loving again just like you did when you were 16. You can do it again, and the feeling can be returned to you. Even though I have not found my love reciprocated yet, I do not regret being single for so long and waiting for the right time to meet somebody. I could never be with somebody to not be alone, not for a second. I would rather do it alone, but it’s comforting to know you CAN love and it is not closed off to you, or not to anyone. If you can feel it, you can be loved back just as strong and you will know it when it comes.Stay positive :)

  • Cheyanne

    I got my left arm tattoed “unrequited love” just cause I am one of them that feels that.

  • cheyanne

    I got my left arm tattooed “Unrequited Love”” due to the fact that I am one of those that have been through it…

  • Alex

    I really
    loved this. I went to a program called Tignum and it was amazing the
    overlap here. They talk about the total integration of mindset,
    nutrition, movement, and recovery from a performance perspective, a
    sustainability (longevity) perspective and a health perspective. The
    five things mentioned here are encapsulated in the very pragmatic tools
    and techniques they teach in each one of these. In fact, I think they
    are extremely tangible and pragmatic.http://www.cigarettespub.net/

  • Elle

    My heart is broken and letting go is the key but the hardest part, I have kept the dream and hope alive for years, I feel like a fool, but this article helps me remember to let it go.. i remind myself of this a lot – I bumped into him twice in the last 2 months, horrible feelings- I cant believe how I still love him. He could care less. I had no idea Bhuddism taught to love with nothing in return. this is the story of my life. :( but God has something in store and is starting to heal my heart – my biggest problem is I put him in a place that was too important, that only God should be in, I think :( so I need to not put a person so high that God is shadowed…

  • Lockhnh

    This is a great article. What you said very much resonated with me. It can be very hard to keeping going after repeated setbacks in love life. But then we must go forward.

  • Shelia

    I am here to thank this wonderful man that brought back my lover within 48hours, if any body is in need in getting back there lover they should forward there complain to Dr.spell through +2348052168467 or olokuspiritualworldtemple@gmail.com. My name is Shelia from United Kingdom

  • maggie

    Yasi – this is quite simply the most beautiful piece of writing I have ever read about love – you have encapsulated it all for me in that last few paragraphs. Thank you so much!

  • Sasha

    Am crying reading this article my relationship is crumbling I feel like there is no fixing it

  • Elle

    I will reply to you and Boreas, I cried thru the whole thing, I want you to know that I have had some bits of what you two describe, but many years of dating then years of getting over him, then trying to be friends again recenty, painful mistake. From age 17 to 40+. Only God has healed the wound, but I reopened it to try to be friends again – Just asking God to heal me. He is with someone else after all I went thru with him, he is now getting much better supposedly and has thrown out any idea of us and doesnt’ value me or think Im worth it. that is the hard part, but I tell myself, WHY would I love someone who thinks Im worthless? THIS is my new pursuit , to learn about my own feelings and why I do that (old dad stuff I think) and need to see a couselor. So you you two, Id guess- Hope you surrender to God and find a counselor <3

  • Elle

    will reply to you and Boreas, I cried thru the whole thing, I want you to know that I have had some bits of what you two describe, but many years of dating then years of getting over him, then trying to be friends again recenty, painful mistake. From age 17 to 40+. Only God has healed the wound, but I reopened it to try to be friends again – Just asking God to heal me. He is with someone else after all I went thru with him, he is now getting much better supposedly and has thrown out any idea of us and doesnt’ value me or think Im worth it. that is the hard part, but I tell myself, WHY would I love someone who thinks Im worthless? THIS is my new pursuit , to learn about my own feelings and why I do that (old dad stuff I think) and need to see a couselor. So you you two, Id guess- Hope you surrender to God and find a counselor <3

  • Marcella Solomon

    But what if the person no longer loves u, how can u earn the benefits. What if the person becomes distant and unaffectionate and has secrets. Then what do you do?

  • Steve

    Thank you for this helpful article. I just got out of a relationship with a woman who I was either in love with, in lust with, or just very attached to, I don’t know which. She ended it and it hurt like hell. Today I realized I fell in love with an illusion, my own projection, or something like that. Anyway your article helped me feel more optimistic for the future, I’m actually looking forward to my next love! Wouldn’t have thought so this morning.

  • sucks

    what’s hard is when everyone you love has to be better than you.

  • Tim

    Thanks for your words. I’ve had bad luck with love too and probably in someway also sabotaged myself believing I could not find love by always choosing (settling?!) for difficult people.

    Found a very challenging person, but we both thought we would be great for each other, and bam – around the time we were seriously trying to make a baby and start a family which we talked a lot about – I suddenly get “I don’t feel sexy. Not with you or anyone. I mean I love you, but it’s more like your family…” This stemmed from petty things in the past which if she had really raised as issues in the past I would have listened and understood and grown as a better husband. Why did she wait so long? Why did she expect me to be so flawless and that a good husband didn’t have to be told these things?

    Since this talk, we agreed to try and work on things, but recently she said she’s not sure if she can. She has many other things on the go and is still having troubles letting go of the past. She’s had depression before in the past, and is a bit obsessive about the past and sees things a little too black and white. I’m just not normally the target though. Never like this.

    Problem is the friendship – even the family feeling – is quite a strong one. There are no affairs or anything like that between us. When I go about things without expectation, I’m happy … but the moment I think about what we had … I feel sad. She resists ideas like reading relationship books together, or planning an overnight trip or date night. Although she still seems to like to do a long driving day trip with me for coffee….

    I suggested just putting things aside and not worrying about things for awhile (she has a test coming up for a national license and I have visa issues I need to be married to her to work through) and just enjoy what we have for the moment. I am slowly and subtley trying some new things though… Don’t know if it will work. I started making coffee regularly in the morning for the 1st time in 8 years. I now make my own lunch for work. An issue for her is that I was staying up too late when I should have been going to bed with her. Now I go to bed at a decent time.

    Maybe she will see me as I am now and this will change her heart but if not… at least I can rest my conscience that I gave things my best shot… This is important because this is already my second marriage…

  • WILLING2WALK

    have you ever,been with a man that the moment he walks inn ,you are no longer alone anymore. and until that moment he says he is going to leave ,do you start to be alone again. every minute is like a love scene in a great movie.

  • Violet

    Thank you Charlie…. I am with someone that.. I feel is still living in fear of loss… and being able to trust again.. fall in love again… and being on that receiving end sucks… it makes me feel insecure because I had the courage to admit how I felt about him and told him everything and yet… he’s still living in fear or what happeneed to him in the past…

  • T

    I would like to move on, I just don’t know how to or maybe I just don’t want to accept that the person I love doesn’t love me anymore. My family and friends have said it will get better…ha…I’m waiting on that, but I guess that is a decision I have to make for myself.

  • standing up again

    Wow!!! So all Inarcissist truly say is, Thank you. I’m struggling with letting go of a relationship that is not healthy. I fell in love with a selfish, overly dramatic and careless man. Six years have now gone by and I’ve simply suffered long enough. We married just one year ago and yesterday, I packed up the house and had to say good-bye. I know its the right thing to do for my heart and my well being. My head knows its the best thing but my heart is overwhelmed with grief and despite what anyone says, no matter how much he has hurt me, it doesn’t come close to the feeling of walking away. I feel like I failed, I do know its not me but if it was, i could fix it. I can’t fix a man that believes, its everyone else that has the problem. Its not what I’ve said, thought or ever done to deserve whats been done. It’s now truly my turn to take back my power and place a very high value on myself, my worth, my life, my heart and my happiness.
    The art of a narcissistic person will be reviled early on, just open your eyes. They play on the vulnerable and munipulate ruthlessly at any cost to your heart.

  • Ily

    ……heartache! </3

  • haley

    My partner and I are in the talking stage. Well on my part doing all the talking. He seems to have shut down emotionally and I don’t know how to get him back. I feel I am the only one trying. But maybe I am doing the opposite. Oh dear I need some guidance please. For the heart has great sorrows and no one to comfort

  • LD

    Such profound, beautiful, and true thoughts Yasi.

  • Kandy

    I do agree with alot said here. I regret not enjoying my time spent with the person I was in love with. I spent all my time worrying about our future and was never fully in the moment. I pushed him away because i was afraid of getting hurt. But I got hurt anyways. i would now have rather dived into it and take the risk and have had made more wonderful memories rather than pushing him away and have ” what if” thoughts. I take it as a lesson. I now value more my time spent with family and friends.

  • maya8118

    Here I am….Googling “unrequited love,” seeking words that will ease the agony of loving without being loved in return, the mere knowledge that others have gone through this offering some solace to my shattered heart. I have been with my boyfriend for about nine months, living together the entire time since he is a broke musician who can’t afford rent on his own. I am in love with him, and now that we are moving out of our current place, the dilemma that he does not love me has surfaced again. I try to be complacent with the everyday pleasures, submerging the knowledge that he does not see a future with me, is not in love with me. Music comes first, and to him it’s a zero sum game of attention where I lose because I’m not important enough. He will make no sacrifices– won’t get a job to pay his half, won’t contribute to household chores, won’t stand up for me when his friends criticize and belittle me. I have bent over backwards trying to become lovable to him, but after so much time, if he doesn’t feel for me now, he never will. I have been trying to practice love with no expectation, but I am no monk. I want him to look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me and wants to be with me, but this is not the case. 3 more weeks of sleeping next to him, then I have no idea where my life will go. Maybe I will heal and find real love someday, maybe not. At least I can say I truly tried, with all my heart. I feel sorry for him, regarding love as weakness as he does. My favorite quote is about unrequited love returning to the lover and purifying their heart. Waiting for that.

  • kaan

    My Name is Gabriel Kaan am from the United State of America,Am here to testify in the good name of this great man called Pa oluwo for what he has done for me after my love Fricky Tylon left me for no reason for good 4 years i tried all my possible best in getting Fricky back but but i never got her back the whole 4 years was like hell celebrated the Christmas and new year alone for the past 4 years without having Fricky back to my arms due to me thinking about Fricky i loosed lots of things loosed lots of contract and clients all because of Fricky i really love Fricky with all my heart but and i made the marriage comfortable for her and made her have anything she deserve but i don’t know what came over her that she became tired of the marriage with no just cause well,i Thank God that he brought my helper who came over to clean my tears off my face who is called Pa oluwo,When i contacted Pa oluwo and told him how my lover left me for good 4 years and how i have been alone.Pa.oluwo just told me to clean off my tears that he assures me that everything would be okay and that my lover would be back to my arms within 36 hours.I was so glad to hear that statement i just put all my trust and believed that Pa. oluwo would help me because due to the way he spoke to me on Phone i just had believed on him that he his the right person and today he brought back that happiness into my life Fricky came back to my arms without any delay am just so happy that am back with Fricky now Fricky can not even spend a second without seeing me or getting closer to me am just so happy that my source of joy is back.Please you don’t need to think anymore Dr Pa. oluwo is here to help you clean off your secret tears you can contact him on sirgurutempleofwonders@gmail.com or cell number +2348106176523

  • mplo

    As a woman with a history of developmental problems ( I’m not mentally ill or mentally retarded; In fact, I’m at least of average intelligence.), men have never, ever fallen for me, and, at this time, it seems that won’t ever happen, especially because I gave up on the idea of ever having a romantic love a long, long time ago.

    Part of it of course, is due to the fact that, perhaps for a number of reasons, including my hardwiring, which is different than most people’s, is that constantly worrying about whether or not I’ll find a man isn’t in my framework. Part of it is that it’s also occurred to me more and more that the only way I’d be able to be in a relationship would be to enter into a setting or settings that I do NOT wish to enter into, which would s**k…big time for me, if one gets the drift.

    Next, I have too much going for me that I do not wish to give up, or even compromise on.

  • Deanna

    How long does the pain last?

  • nic

    Finally I found my thoughts & feelings in words ..thanks for helpin me closed my book….

  • Lilly

    Ive been inlove with this guy for 2years we’ve been together for two years. And now i feel like he just doesn’t love me the same anymore. In a way i feel like i lost myself trying to do everything for him. We used to be so inlove. Now everytime we talk to each other either i get mad or he does and he doesnt say anything other then “you over think everything.” I love him but i feel like maybe he would do better without me. I want to feel loved and cared for. We both don’t deserve to be feeling like crap all the time. I think i might have to just call it off. But im scared.. Reading this article was like a way of saying “Yes its time to walk away” …

  • Lilly

    Ive been inlove with this guy for 2years we’ve been together for two years. And now i feel like he just doesn’t love me the same anymore. In a way i feel like i lost myself trying to do everything for him. We used to be so inlove. Now everytime we talk to each other either i get mad or he does and he doesnt say anything other then “you over think everything.” I love him but i feel like maybe he would do better without me. I want to feel loved and cared for. We both don’t deserve to be feeling like crap all the time. I think i might have to just call it off. But im scared.. Reading this article was like a way of saying “Yes its time to walk away” …

  • _simply broken

    Reading this made me feel soft inside …I’m newly single and it’s never hurt so much …thank you for your kind words and I hope I find peace like you have

  • Stella

    my life is full of joy because of Dr. Ele asked me to be happy What happened to me is not what i can keep only to myself but to also tell the world so that those that were once like me will get their love ones back and be happy once again. I and my lover had some issues which leads to our break up since after then my life has never been the same i tried all method to get him back but they were just waste of effort and waste of time. But one day during my search on the internet i came across someone testimony about Dr. Ele helped him to get his lover back so i contacted Dr. Ele and to my greatest surprise Dr. Ele was able to bring back my lover within 48hours. With the great thing that happened in my life i decided to tell the whole world about this great man called Dr Ele. For those in need of anything he told me that in his temple there is no impossibility now i believe him so much friends if you need help kindly contact him via email: Solutiongods@gmail.com And i promise you that your lover will definitely be back to you.

  • angelica

    I am angelica, i thank you DR UWA as you put smile on my face again. back, because it has been a lonely life for me since 3years ago because of my body no one want to marry me but when i contacted him i became every man desire and my Ex has come back again with many flowers and even begging me to come have a marriage with him.. wow these is the happiest time of my life and i thank you papa, but if you also need help, you can contact him uwagreathappyhome@gmail.com

  • confused

    I need advice, I have this friend we have been friends for close to a year and I really like her, I thought she knew I have bought her flowers on a few occasions and taken her to a few hockey and football games we are truly best friend last week I told her I like her more I gave her a letter as well with a poem but did it in person she told me she wasn’t ready for a relationship, but five min later started to make out with me im so confused

  • The chicken whisperer

    I’m currently dealing with crushing heartbreak, and I started weeping at your last few sentences- how beautiful and comforting to imagine.

  • The chicken whisperer

    You are a beautiful person and surely loved by others- remember that this post is about loving yourself, not hating yourself. The best and worst feelings in the world come from the many kinds of love and despite the lows the highs make life worth living.

  • SLeo

    I’ve been through a lot in my short 26 years of life. Dysfunctional childhood, lack of friendship and love at a young age, homelessness, fugitive multiple times, arrested multiple times, group homes, depression, the list goes on. My point is; unrequited love is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever been through and continue to go through. I’m back on my feet and have turned my life around but still deeply struggle with unrequited love. Everything else I’ve been through, I’ve healed from, recovered and moved on. As stated in the article; this tends to happen again and again to some of us. If you don’t understand your past it will repeat itself is what I’ve been told. I’m moved by story after story on here of some of us who don’t move on, for years. I definitely gave my heart away too soon but I know that what happened was inevitable. I want to “want to” move on. It’s hard for me knowing she’s admitted to a connection and a bond. It’s hard remembering all the times she went out of her way to show her love for me. It’s hard forgetting about someone so special that they could bring peace to my war. I felt so at home with her, internally. This has been going on for years and although she has never ended the relationship and never will; it’s never surpassed a friendship. I try staying away, for months at a time, only to fall into a deeper depression. I know she cares about me; just not the way I care for her. It’s hard when I’m in a room with her and the only thing that matters to me is her and she is focused on other things. I wish I could understand the deeper meaning of what’s going on with me, with her. Whatever you believe in…fate, God, the universe…I was meant to meet this person. My most precious gift to myself would be to move on. The “what if” game can drive us all a little nuts.

  • SLeo

    Deanna – It depends on the person, situation. Unfortunately for some of us the answer is years. I’m assuming since your asking you’re in the early stages. Easy said than done but if you can kick it early you’re better off. That’s training your mind to say “no, I’m not gonna think about this.”

  • SLeo

    Elle – I made the same mistake. I put a girl so high on the pedestal in a place only God belongs. I also struggle because I’ve planned my life with this woman for years. Foolish, considering we were never together and she never gave me what I gave her, my heart. Its like going to the person to get to God when we need to look inside ourselves for that love. Most people don’t achieve that type of self realization in a lifetime. Its tough when you realize ” this person doesn’t deserve me but I don’t love anyone like I love him/her.” True love heals and when we find it, it will that much more beautiful, powerful, special, precious.

  • SLeo

    Did Dr Ode get a new email?

    This one doesnt work.

    Thx

  • http://twitter.com/lori_deschene Lori Deschene

    Hi there~

    This was actually a spam comment that i have deleted.

    Thanks,
    Lori

  • srah

    I’ve never had my love reciprocated. My relationships don’t last longer than 5months and its always the same thing- “I don’t feel the way I should for you” I’m tired of hearing this to the point I completely give up.

  • Maria

    I guess I am reading this article way after it was posted but just at the right moment for me. It was really words I needed to hear, having gone through a break-up only yesterday and the comments were really helpful as well. I have been through precisely three break-ups now. This time, however, when I thought of my life alone from now on, fear gripped my heart. I wanted so much to rush back to him and plead and beg him not to leave. Maybe I was to blame for what happened. He always used to tell me that I was above little petty things that keep occurring in a relationship. He always used to tell me that he loved me above all those small things that he cast aside. But then, these same small things started to matter and affect us, he started finding faults and being hurt by every single stupid thing that I did.

    I never did anything intentionally, my intentions pure and my love as well. And then, he got tired of being hurt, making mountains out of molehills, until yesterday when he told me that he wanted me no more. That it would be much better for him to be alone than with me. That somehow, I caused him pain and worry, and am a burden in so many ways. Words have turned hollow, whatever I say now will no longer convince him of my good intentions. Instead, he turns away with a look of disgust, thinking that I am spewing lies all over again. For this reason, the part ” When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over.”, it touched me to the core.

    Despite the incessant feeling of fear gripping me, I cannot return back to him. My words have become meaningless now, I cannot convince him anymore. He turned into a stranger within one day. Somehow, holding on will mean causing him more pain, something which I do not want to happen again. Nothing is left now except letting go, letting him be free and free to meet someone else who will keep him happy. I couldn’t keep him happy and was the cause for his unhappiness and pain. I am not selfish enough to want to keep him by my side after knowing this, even though my heart bleeds and will not heal so soon. He is the one I have loved and if loving means sacrifice then I will sacrifice my love for his happiness, because his happiness without me is much more important than my happiness with him. Love, as I realized, is above everything else, above the pain, the anger and sorrow, and it is just a gift that I gave willingly, wishing that it blesses his existence forever, wishing that he finds much more happiness than he could ever find with me.

    In setting him free, I opened my heart to light as well, wishing I am nothing but light to him, forever giving of my good feelings for him, forever engraved in my heart. And I wish him far away from me, but only to be happy.

  • Maria

    I guess I am reading this article way after it was posted but just at the right moment for me. It was really words I needed to hear, having gone through a break-up only yesterday and the comments were really helpful as well. I have been through precisely three break-ups now. This time, however, when I thought of my life alone from now on, fear gripped my heart. I wanted so much to rush back to him and plead and beg him not to leave. Maybe I was to blame for what happened. He always used to tell me that I was above little petty things that keep occurring in a relationship. He always used to tell me that he loved me above all those small things that he cast aside. But then, these same small things started to matter and affect us, he started finding faults and being hurt by every single stupid thing that I did.

    I never did anything intentionally, my intentions pure and my love as well. And then, he got tired of being hurt, making mountains out of molehills, until yesterday when he told me that he wanted me no more. That it would be much better for him to be alone than with me. That somehow, I caused him pain and worry, and am a burden in so many ways. Words have turned hollow, whatever I say now will no longer convince him of my good intentions. Instead, he turns away with a look of disgust, thinking that I am spewing lies all over again. For this reason, the part ” When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over.”, it touched me to the core.

    Despite the incessant feeling of fear gripping me, I cannot return back to him. My words have become meaningless now, I cannot convince him anymore. He turned into a stranger within one day. Somehow, holding on will mean causing him more pain, something which I do not want to happen again. Nothing is left now except letting go, letting him be free and free to meet someone else who will keep him happy. I couldn’t keep him happy and was the cause for his unhappiness and pain. I am not selfish enough to want to keep him by my side after knowing this, even though my heart bleeds and will not heal so soon. He is the one I have loved and if loving means sacrifice then I will sacrifice my love for his happiness, because his happiness without me is much more important than my happiness with him. Love, as I realized, is above everything else, above the pain, the anger and sorrow, and it is just a gift that I gave willingly, wishing that it blesses his existence forever, wishing that he finds much more happiness than he could ever find with me.

    In setting him free, I opened my heart to light as well, wishing I am nothing but light to him, forever giving of my good feelings for him, forever engraved in my heart. And I wish him far away from me, but only to be happy.

  • Seriously The Truth

    Well for many of us serious men out there looking for a good woman to meet to share our life with is very challenging for us right now, and with so many women that are very picky nowadays does really make it much more complicated for us since many of us can be very happy and faithful with just one woman.

  • Ana Karina

    I just broke off a relationship with a man I love because he told me I was not pretty and that he found me unattractive. Yet he was willing to be intimate as long as the lights were off and he kept his eyes closed. I deserve better than this and so do you. Only in this culture are less than visually perfect people shunned. Lots and lots of ordinary people meet, fall in love and get married. The rest of the world loves without thinness and physical perfection.

  • anounymous

    “I never thought I’d win her back but with your help,Doc obodo of templeofanswer@hotmail.co.uk, I have. Thank you so much.
    Shaun, Cumbria, UK.

  • mullerp

    “I don’t think my wife ever would have come back to me without your help. I did so many things wrong. But, now I see that this was something that had to happen for the sake of our marriage. thank you mother Esango go, you can contact her if you are having any kind of marriage problem Have you got a sex or relationship problem? email mother esango > esangoshrine@gmail.com

  • Jenne

    I have recently decided to walk away from a two year relationship after trying so hard to win the person’s heart and affection. He kept telling me that he could not feel anything for me, and I see him falling in love with any other person but not me. It used to hurt so much before and then suddenly, it doesn’t hurt anymore, and I have lost the need to call him or hear his voice or know how he is doing etc.,. I just stopped feeling for him. I think it was a mistake for me to have fallen for him before I truly got to know him. And it was also a mistake to have allowed someone else perception of him to guide my feelings towards him initially. Unrequited love is so painful, and you die a thousand deaths before you finally realise it will never be worth dying for or even giving a second of your life for. Moving on and forgetting completely has been and is still is the best thing I have ever done for myself.

  • laance

    Oh my. It’s like you were there with me every step of the way. I have traveled to her country, and am still hesitant about actually seeing her.(been here 2 days) I don’t want to get hooked again if it’s doomed. This relationship has been bashed soooo many times, (her secretiveness about another guy, my doubt about the sincerity of her intentions), etc.She has been talking to him throughout this. I have tried to break up with her 5 times. She keeps pulling me back in. This has left me much colder about the whole thing. Still, there is love in my heart for her. Thanks soooo much for this.

  • Joe

    If you don’t know, then you need to make up your mind. If you can’t then you need to free yourself from it.

  • rosa febo

    I been wth my bf two years and we very attached but now he wants to change his life in the process he stayn away he wants me to change more positive and stop being insecure

  • rosa febo

    I’m depressed now

  • Kay

    Thank you :)

  • matta

    Thanks for making my family happy again, my father came back home and he can even take us out, something he never think of before! i wonder Dr egbenakhue are you god or what? amazing you make things happen! i will .Thank you very much. from Holland if you need his help contact email address Dregbenakhuespelltemple@gmail.com

  • Vee

    Violet, I am in an identical situation as you. I could have written it word for word. I just wish he could accept love and not fear. Fear of losing and what had happened in his past. I also wish he would not keep stringing me along and even more I wish I wouldn’t take the bait. I wish I was strong enough to walk away and set my tortured soul free. But I am not. I did it once and never really got over him. Two years had passed and he came back into my life for what reason I shall never know. I still feel the same for him and in a way I believe we are soul mates. He will never be able too see it ,or maybe he does and chooses not to, once again siding with fear.

  • UniQueLyEviL

    I am like this..and I wish more people spoke up about it. It feels like there’s literally nothing I can do about it…no one else can shift my strong affections…I see it all, everything and it still doesn’t make a difference…

  • KFLKW

    Charlie, i feel the same way as you. I don’t know
    how to stop loving or to let go. :-(

  • spixie

    His name is Mr. Unavailable, amd those are excuses and lines of crap. Trust me, I spent a year feeling like that, and being treated like a girlfriend without the title. Find your value and boundries, hold your head high and walk away as fast as you can. What helped me was this blog I found that showed me my situation isn’t unique and neither is his pain or unavailability. Google baggae reclaim or Mr unavailable and the fall back girl, read it, accept it for what it is and move on to real love. You’re welcome.

  • Chris

    Kelly, I think you listed about everything wrong with Westerner’s/North American perceptions and expectations of love and of relationships. You appear to be trying to live in a neatly bow-tied romantic comedy movie of some sort. Ridiculous. True love, selfless love which I admit is rare, endures, it’s not fickle and is resilient and doesn’t try to coincide with romantic memes of our post-modern sinking culture. These weepy and “what’s good for me” stories make me want to bang my head against the nearest wall.

    LOVE IS NOT A GREETING CARD OR FANCIFUL MOVIE.
    A good, old friend of mine was a physically vital and able man who married the love of his life some years ago. Not long after they were married, maybe a couple years, he was involved in a terrible car accident on the highway and was left QUADriplegic and pretty much at the
    care and mercy and love of his few loved ones, including his wife. She stayed with him, and has loved him, accepted him, cared for him, for over 10 years now. THIS is love.

  • Louis

    I absolutely love this comment by Yasi, really eloquent and beautiful.

  • Vee

    True love doesn’t dissipate; I wish those that tell me to “just move on” would realize this. I don’t have a switch that I can flip to LOVE OFF. I suppose we never really accept the other person leaving or not reciprocating love, we just learn to live with it. Right now I have had to let go and trust that God knows what to do with this. If there is someone better for me, I truly trust and believe that he will come to me when I am ready.

  • Kate

    Thank you. I’m so lost. I’m saving this to read again when I can’t see life getting better.

  • JP

    What if you are the dumper and your heart is breaking as you need to break with your partner for a third time in 2 years? Break up for a third time with someone you truly love and loves you back because the relationship has become toxic (only from my part)? Break up with a person who is amazing in every single way and who doesnt deserve the pain that i am causing to her?

    My heart is breaking as we both love each other but i dont love myself and this is causing me to act in a way that i have never behaved before towards her (being possesive, jealous,etc) and it is simply not fair on her.

    I love her but i think i should let her go so she can move on and i can start fixing my issues

  • CLUXE

    Pualina42 USA in honest and in truth i wish to express my heartily regard to Dr OKORO of okorohomeofrefuge@gmail.com in his home there is no problem what a solution i never thought my husband will come back to me again until i contacted him for help he help me to reunite/re emerge my broken marriage of 6yrs by spell-casting today my husband is back and stick to me forever i am so happy i found a solution to my marriage problems of 6yrs and that is when i contacted you for help if he can do it for me he can also help you out in your marital/relationship problems…his email is okorohomeofrefuge@gmail.com

  • mshaiq

    Beautifully written. Thank you.

  • kim05

    Thanks for reminding me what I already knew but failed to put into practice.

  • cat

    I am so heartbroken. We have two young kids, a two year old and a new born. I love this man with evey part of my being. I dont exactly remember when he stopped loving me and there are no reasons why, but we sleep seperate now. He was going to leave me for an ex last week but he had second thoughts and stayed. Im on an emotional rollercoster. The pain cuts like a knife. Its like a constant loop in my head. I long for him to hold me tight but each day that passes im losing the will to be here. Not sure how this is going to end. I need peace.

  • Efraim Kristal

    Cat, I feel for you. Sincerely. The way you’ve described the pain, “It’s like a constant loop in my head,” is perfect. I don’t know the solution. I’ve been there in all three of my life relationships, and have endured a failure to realize any intimacy, deep mutual emotional connection over the past 12 years. I wish it got better. Like you, I’m lost. Peace…

  • Randy

    WOW! Thank you so much for that. I want to feel HOME again :)

  • nikky9

    Thank you. Like many others, and like you, I’m going through some difficulties – whether to walk away from a unrequited love AND friendship, or try to stay in it and deal with it somehow, even though it’s hurting me. He’s my best friend, he’s my lover, but he just doesn’t feel the same things as I do. I’ve been thinking and thinking what to do, but now I think that’s it, that simple – if you’re hurting, you have to end it, you have to let it go.
    It’s hard. And I’m still second guessing myself, but you helped me.

  • https://www.facebook.com/upasona.ganguly Upasona Chakraborty

    Maybe you assume that “just stop” is all you need to know. But it’s more complicated than that, according to Mastering the Art of Quitting: Why It Matters in Life, Love, ……coz why it’s hurting so much that cant heal sometime while life is only one ! thanks for ur support

  • Mike Rico

    Thank you so much for this advice my feelings are tearing me up inside and to this point i dont know what to do…im tired of wanting her attention and be left feeling lonely and hurt …fxcked up thing about it i cant even tell her how i feel cause i feel like it might start problems that i dont need right now

  • Manalone

    Great article! Raises a few questions for me… What are your thoughts on unrequited love in a long-standing marriage with kids? The situation is complicated by multiple factors such as protecting the kid’s feelings, family and friend’s social pressure to continue, the sheer “functional comfort” of a relationship that works on a day-to-day basis. But in your heart you know that despite more than a decade of emotional investment your spouse doesn’t feel what you feel. What do you do? How do you handle the feeling of being trapped in a marriage with no love or intimacy?

  • R.S.

    Hello, I just recently walked away from a relationship. I am 45, he is 24. I had been single for 6 years and was in a very vulnerable state. He was gorgeous and said all the right things. A few red flags that I saw in the beginning was he wanted to rush and have sex (the first date if I would have allowed him). Every time were together he wanted to get physical. I waited patiently to see if we would have something more in common. He didn’t want to take me out on dates. He preferred staying in at my place. He texted more than we talked on the phone. He had narcissistic tendencies. Sense of entitlement, pathological lying, no empathy. It was all about him. Seemed to care when he really needed something from me. He lost his job due to getting into a physical altercation at work because of me so I felt some sense of responsibility to help him out when he was down. I didn’t mind, but felt he was starting to take advantage of the situation. He parties every weekend, smoked pot excessively and cigarettes. We really had nothing in common, but in some strange sense, I felt a connection. During our three month courtship, he asked me about marriage, moving in and having a child. Another red flag. I never slept with him and that was the biggest issue in our relationship. He wanted sex before a foundation was built, I wanted the opposite. He started drifting. His calls and texts became more infrequent. I finally blocked his number. He called me every week from different #’s for one month not knowing what happened. I would never answer. The last time I saw an unidentified number, I picked up and he hung up. I never heard from him again. I didn’t have the strength to keep the relationship going. I was being played and drained. $50 for car note, $35 for this or that. I walked away, but I feel horrible about how I ended it with no explanation. Can’t seem to get over it emotionally.

  • viana

    I would like to say thank you Dr .OBODO for your help with the ex back system. I followed your advice and my ex came back to me and got married within 4months.if necessary reach here templeofanswer@hotmail.co.uk or cell +2348155425481 for help

    from kalina viana soldier

  • Maria

    The unique true love I ever had was with my dogs and cats…I feel the way they look at me that they really love me…With man…I am better alone…I am 48 year old woman…Love it’s a nice feeling…Just give love to your dog and he will love you back :)

  • SAYH

    I’m in tears as I read this. I kept holding on to this glimmer of hope throughout the relationship when I knew it wouldnt last.I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to recover. I never want to feel this way again. If I manage to break away from this I want to be alone forever

    You can’t control love. And its the best and worst experience I’ve ever had to deal with.

  • Violatte

    Wow, wow, wow. That sooooo resonated. In Al-Anon, we define this as “sharing our experience, strength, and hope.” Thank you so much. Made my day. <3

  • HorribleSelfishperson

    I found this blog while trying to find a reason why I still can’t let go of my ex. I’m engaged right now to a wonderful man who is pure at heart and loves me unconditionally, but I don’t love him. I’m trying to accept the fact that I may spend the rest of my life with a man that I don’t really love. I broke up with my ex after 7 years when things got messy and stuck at a point where our relationship will never really heal. He began to ignore my needs and wants without ever paying attention to me but it felt as if he kept taking, and one day I woke up and realized I was too broken to continue with him. I broke up in hopes that I could find someone that would love me more, but I don’t think I could find someone that I love more than him. I’m going to be married in a few more months, and it makes me depressed, but I can’t hurt my fiance that loves me so much now, that I know will make me happy, that I do get along with, that seems so perfect for me, that im not in love with. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life single and crying for my ex, so I went and looked for happiness, and I found it, but LOVE! LOVE won’t set me free from being in love with someone else that was meant to be the one, the one that felt like my soul mate, the one that still feels like my soul mate.

  • Jones Nicole

    Hello everybody on this page,i want to thank God for using dr. Kasee as my source of savior after 9 years of my marriage and my lover left me alone for 6 months,I have just been heart broken until i go in contact with dr. Kasee after i saw a ladies testimony on how she was helped by this same dr. Kasee,So i decided to get in contact with him and when i told him all my problems he laughed and said this is not a problem that everything will be ok in 2 days time.Exactly the 2nd day my husband called me i was shocked and what surprise me the most was that his behaviour was normal as the man i got married to.Am so grateful to dr Kasee for what he did for me in helping me to get my husband back, if you wish to contacting him Email: ONIMALOVESPELL@YAHOO.COM

  • Horrible I think Not

    I really wish I can congratulate you on your engagement, but that would be a bit empty, knowing how you really feel about your fiancé.

    You say that you loved your ex, but he didn’t pay attention to you and your needs, so you broke up with him. Do you honestly believe that your current fiancé will forever pay attention to you and your needs? do you really believe in unconditional love? If God can’t love us unconditionally, what makes you think that human beings could? (John 3:16) How long before your fiancé feels that his needs aren’t met, due to your lack of love for him? It’s crushing to love someone when they don’t love you back as you probably know. It sucks the soul right out of you.

    How long would it take you to dump your current guy, when the ‘attention’ goes away?

    What if he is busy fighting battles that nobody knows about deep within him, that he’s not able to make you feel loved, even if it was temporary? Do you ever think that you chose permanent solutions to what may have been just a temporary problem? Do you think your ex could have been in a rut, because he tried to live up to your expectations and couldn’t? Do you think it’s possible that his reality at the time was tainted by his battles? Do you think maybe that he thought exposing his battles to you meant the end, and it was?

    My wife loves me as I love her… about the closest to ‘unconditionally’ as humanly can, but I know how fragile things can be as one slip of a wrong word, one slip of wrong action, one slip of wrong emotion, and one slip of sanity can mean the end. I never forget that and I treat the marriage with care, respect and love as she does also.(she’s fought similar battles in her past) Lessons I’ve learned, that I paid with part of me that I have yet to fully recover and not really looking to fully recover. Sometimes we need to fence up empty areas within us, for us to remember and mourn, kinda like the current 911 Memorial site.

    We all visit that fenced Memorial time to time, no matter how long it’s been, and no matter how happy you are currently. We have to… to heal. Healing is a lifetime process, when the wound was bigger than life. Sometimes you look up your ex, because you wonder how she’s doing and hoping she’s completely happy and moved on as you did and praying that she’s in a happier place. When you feel that sharp little pain in your heart, because you see her still struggling with life, that’s how you know the love was real. When you really loved, you still love, and you hope and prey that she will one day be happy and experience the life in full that you couldn’t provide.

    Your ex may have been your soul-mate and ‘all that’, but ex is past, future isn’t promised, and all we have is ‘now’. With that said, you can’t have a ‘now’, when your ‘future’ is already painted to fail. Let go of your past, build a memorial in your heart for your ex and move on… and don’t worry about the ‘future’ that may not even exist. Now is all you have, and if you’re not fully happy, then you’re only cheating yourself.

    Real love will happen, I truly believe that because it happened to me… twice. But you have to be willing to let it happen, and recognize it when it does happen, and treat it as fragile priceless treasure that it is… and understand that it never dies.

  • Kacky

    Although I your description is spot on in many ways, I don’t believe time will heal (or diminish) love. Just as I believe that who I have loved in this life, I will also love after I leave this earthly world. Genuine love is forever whether it is known or unrequited. The most I can hope is that God will let me feel it again one day with someone who can and/or will reciprocate my feelings. Until then, the best I can do is learn from my past relationship, use all that I have learned to be a better partner in my next relationship, and be forever grateful for the love I shared with Janifer.

  • Still not horrible

    We all love Toyota Camrys. It’s comfortable, reliable and does what we want it to do, it ‘walks with you to the future’… but the reality is, that you’d never be attracted to Camrys. It lacks passion. Nobody drives a Camry because their heart aches for it, but it’s #1 selling car because it makes logical sense.

    What we do ache for is that blazing red Ferrari with seductive engine noise, lights fire in your veins, and makes you feel alive… All passion. So we fall in love with it, we stretch our finances and buy it. Then you realize that it rides like a horse carriage, hurts your back driving it, can’t see out of it very well, guzzles gas, loud and harsh (same reason you fell in love with it in first place are usually same reasons you start hating it) and worst of it all, it drains your pockets for maintenance… So you neglect it, and not in distant future, it falls apart and you junk it.

    But heck, you had some amazing moments over the years with it, eh?

    Your blog is very nicely put, and I can feel that you poured your heart writing it.. and it shows how good you are at aborting relationships.

    When you look for reasons to break up, all you see are the things you should break up for. When you look for reasons to make it, all you see are solutions… And most of the time, the only reason you need is love.

    It’s easy to label what you feel ‘love’, but in most cases, it ain’t.

    It’s easy to ‘Love’ people at their best. But it’s not real love, unless you can ‘Love’ at their worst.

    The better things in life worth keeping ALWAYS takes effort to keep and maintain. When it’s real ‘love’, the effort comes natural.

    If the maintenance is beyond your capacity , you abort. It’s okay, not everyone is meant to have Ferraris.

    You go ahead and settle with Camrys… then in few years, we’ll find you in Ashley Madison because you’re bored out of your mind.

    My wife chose to stick with the well maintained Ferrari.

    She choose ‘those amazing moments’ at all costs, including her sore back.

  • Guy

    What about if there are kids involved?

  • My tina

    Now THIS is the best Tiny Buddha article.

    Thank you for speaking to the rest of us about what REALLY happens in relationships to the rest of us.

  • My tina

    Same here. It’s been 20 years for me and yep… no relationship, no love.

    I’ve given up and as a result of not finding the answers am on drugs now. I figure, hell, just own it. Hopefully in less than a year I will be underground where badgergirl’s ex is. I bet I’m using the same stuff he is :)

    Here’s to it taking me where he got to escape to. Cheers.

  • My tina

    Ha do what all you men do: SUDDENLY WALK AWAY :)

    Go to the gym, drink, hang out with your brainless male friends, screw forty women, rinse, repeat.

    It works for the rest and it’ll work for you.

  • My tina

    Most of us won’t. And the better the soul we have, the more guaranteed that is. If you’re a damaged male, though, your next love is right around the corner!

    Screw the rest of us, though. And all women.

    Women are doomed. This is man’s world.

  • My tina

    This is not an endorsement to go score any – seriously, if you have never scored them, please stay away from drugs -

    But crystal meth is outstanding at switching off that tape loop. I got on it right after a break-up and haven’t thought about him since. At the moment I’m coming down, so I can empathize with what I’m reading on this page, but seriously – if I so much as do even a bump, within 10 minutes I have no heart and no feeling whatsoever towards any male from my past. Meth IS the # 1 most effective break-up drug in the world.

    If you haven’t tried it, don’t. Try its safer sister, Adderall, on a prescription and JUST YOU SEE IF YOU FEEL ANYTHING ELSE ABOUT THAT MAN. Stims are absolutely outstanding at shutting off Standard Female Emotion Disorder :)

  • My tina

    What this male exhibited is called predatory flirting. It’s an OCD. Look it up. People talk about bipolarity, narcissism and sociopathy but trust me, predatory flirtation is the most prevalent and destructive mental illness going on today out there – and it’s SPREADING

  • My tina

    GET OUT OF IT

    NOW

  • Alaina Kirkpatrick

    This was beautiful! Thank you!

  • 10 years

    “Because we never stop silently loving those who we once loved out loud.”

  • Susie

    I love that phrase ” … a partner who was not walking with me.” That sums up the love I felt for my ex, and I can really relate to this article and the beautiful words. It was so painful letting go, because there was nothing obvious he’d done wrong – but in my heart I just knew that he wasn’t walking with me.

  • Jake

    The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t.
    ______________________________________________________________________
    I love this I can’t express how much I think about this. could I forgive him sure do I love him yes, But will my love be the same…. Chances are probably not.

    9 months out of a 2 year relationshit and I gotta tell all of you love birds out there something remember all of it the good,great,bad and ugly. Its better to take someone at face value then continuing to live in the love is blind state. They’re no angel and they’re definitely not your gift from god and if you really love them that much still see if you can work it out. I personally find dating a lot of fun and I do love my ex very much! I know I will never find another man like him, but that’s okay because that man wasn’t the right man for me. Tell yourself its okay to be alone because the truth is this, you are never alone! their are tons of people with tons of things to do and at least 1 person that is right for you! I understand loneliness. that’s the number one battle the second is appreciating someones flaws more then your exes, yep you heard me right we all have them ever that perfect ex lover we cant get off our minds. Something I’ve been doing lately is listening to my post breakup mega mix that I made after the loss of my love and I discovered feelings do change. I still love the songs I still recall how I felt and I can honestly say that It has changed. If your a mature adult then your feeling for something should mature, I don’t say this to be mean or judgmental because I understand grief and pain. What I don’t understand is when people keep blindsiding themselves to believe something that’s not true. Everyone wants TRUE LOVE Right? stop wasting time on the exact opposite. Be happy for yourself and it will all workout! love you heart filled love bugs more then and d**k head that doesn’t recognize what the hell there missing out on ;-)

    always puts a smile on my face
    Love Done Gone-Billy Currington

  • Anmol

    I hate love.

  • it is what it is.

    Selfishness is not living your life as you wish, it is asking others to live
    their lives as you wish. – Oscar Wilde

    Before you pulled the plug because he wouldn’t walk with you, did you make any effort to walk with him? or understand why he is walking where he’s walking?

    Expecting him to walk with you, with zero consideration of walking with him will guarantee that you’ll be someone’s favorite aunt and die alone and lonely.

  • Marla

    Loved this post very much! Especially, “5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.”. Very true, the only thing that is bound to happen if you keep beating a dead horse is more distance between the two people.

  • Mastro63

    Don’t think this article is really about unrequited love- more relationships ending.

    Very different things.

  • Loveth Micheal

    Thank you so much Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com for all your hard work. I really believe that you are real. . I’m so grateful for all your help for getting back my husband.Ekpikuspelltemple@live.com I believe that you have helped me turn my life around and get out of a rather dark and scary place. I can not thank you enough. God bless you….loveth

  • Vanessa.

    I just want to say Thankyou for writing this. You put everything into perspective and exactly how a woman feel and thinks when love like this occurs. It feels like a battle field most of the time if you find love and it fails, because how does something so great have to change? Well it just does. Whether it be romantic, friendship or short term or long term.., love is like elastic n it stretches and sometimes it breaks………and that’s the way it is. I especially loved the point you made about once there is no more words to form meaning, let it be…. Don’t grind it into the dust. As a woman, when we love hard, we don’t want to lose that and I’ve often held on with words In hope to succeed but it never achieves anything more but friction, not love. And it’s important that something so beautifully written should be recognised. Great column and I hope you have found love. As women who want that in their lives… We can only hope and feed positive thoughts to one another in times like this as love as we all know, is sometimes very painful. To anyone whose read my comment…. I hope you find love too

  • Anthem

    Thank you for sharing this. I’m living all of the verses of hallelujah by Leonard Cohen and felt I could not move on. I can’t pretend I don’t love her. I can’t pretend she still loves me. Life is dukkha. Thirst is the cause. The cessation of suffering is possible. . . But for now the pain is relentless, searing, crushing, paralyzing, and real, but your words helped me realize this is pain that I am passing through. It isn’t my home.

  • J

    Kelly I love you!

  • Sarah

    After my first heartbreak, I asked myself how I could stop loving just like my ex did. It was only then I realised that love itself cannot be taken away.

    The only way I got through was to love him enough to set him free.

    We do not possess the one we love. Rather, they are like the birds or butterflies we admire. Free to roam as they wish. If they choose to stay with you, then it’s good.

    Should they choose to leave, you are not empty. For they have ignited a spark in your heart when their path crossed yours. And as long as the fire burns, you are never truly alone for you will always have them in your heart. There never was a void for them to fill as there never was a void in the beginning – Love fills your heart.

    And as long as the fire keeps burning, you will never be afraid to feel love for them with all your soul. Because you want nothing in return for this love. You can say “I love you,” without needing to hear it back. All you ever want is just to see them happy. And that’s when love will set you free.

  • CupidsArrowTWANG

    “This is the LAST TIME…”
    Yeah… I’ve heard (and said) that one before…

  • Luciana Alves

    Such a beautiful view on love (and of course unrequited love!)…I think it all starts with us being able to forgive ourselves and accept ourselves the way we are…and learning from each experience (good or bad), after all, everything happens for a reason!

  • faskajea

    Yasi, your words here are amongst the most beautiful I’ve ever had the privilege to feed my sagging spirit with. Your view on love and it being unrequited, is like mine, but in times when I hear nothing but the roaring of pain and terror thunder in my ears and my heart, it helps to have someone with unconditional love ring with words so clear and true to give me courage about carrying on.
    Thank you for what you said.

  • SDRa

    Thank you.

    I tried to repair a damaged relationship for 4 years; It left me entirely broken, but I’m ready to let my heart heal….so that I can find pure love.