Dear Murtaza:

I need to understand better what you are asking, this is why I ask you three questions:

“I haven’t been able to cry… I always liked to cry and wanted to cause it makes me feel warm.. I feel like crying is pathetic and weak”-

1) When you used to cry before, did you cry alone or in front of people, did you cry a lot each time, or often?

2) When you used to cry, how did people react to you crying?

“I have a really hard time being vulnerable in the real world (since I fantasize about it)”-

3) What do you fantasize about, more specifically?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear Murtaza:

You are welcome. You can talk with me for as long as you want, right here on your thread, and I will be glad to continue to communicate with you.

You shared that you could never cry in front of people, that you don’t know a lot of people, that you cried alone whenever you could, sometimes you couldn’t cry, so you forced yourself to cry. You wrote that you fantasize cuddling with someone you trust, that you “feel more in the fantasy than I could ever in the real world”.

* I don’t know what you mean by “I can only cry about myself.. use my feelings on myself”??

You wrote that you “decided that anger is just toxic and I will try not to be angry”- but anger is a natural emotion, everyone feels angry. What is toxic is some of the behaviors of angry people, like yelling and humiliating a person with hurtful words.

I don’t know how much you feel comfortable sharing about yourself, but remember this is an anonymous site. As long as you don’t share real names of people and places, and exact dates and such, you are .. anonymous. Also, when you post to me, please take your time to look at your post before you submit, and edit it so it is more clear for me to read, will you?

I am curious as to approximately how old you are, and if you live with your parents, if you have a job or you are a student, and why you are so alone and lonely and sad. And I wonder about your anger: who hurt you and how.

I can relate to you fantasizing about cuddling with someone you trust- I used to fantasize a whole lot. My real life was so miserable, that fantasy was surely the better alternative for me. There were days I kept a fantasy alive for hours.

I hope to read back from you soon, or whenever you want to post again.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear Murtaza:

How interesting, to me, that you live in the middle east. I was born in the middle east and lived there for 25 years (visited many times after). Talking about anger, there was a lot of anger in the home where I was born, and outside the home, people angry, impatient. The sun was hot all through the summer, non stop, a vicious sun. And yet, part of me wishes I never left.

You shared in your recent post that you cry about your past, or future, and because you hardly manage to cry, you don’t want to .. waste your crying on others, and you wrote: “I’m the only one who matters in my life”.

You wrote regarding anger that for you,  “there  is no healthy way of releasing it”, that you experience the same bad consequences to your anger whether you release it or not, “therefore it’s toxic and there is no escape but to get away from anything that makes me angry.

You shared that you are 20, living with your family, no job and not worried about money because your father’s retirement is available to you.  You don’t like most people, most people are so different from you. You were a student but you dropped out, having “actually dropped out as a whole.. cause I simply don’t like life. I lived it and saw nothing worth living or fighting for”, and “the thing I desire the most is never gonna happen”-

– what is this thing you desire the most, this thing that will never happen???

We have another thing in common: I too saw nothing worth living growing up and later, except in fantasy- there was a lot to live for in fantasy.

Looking back, I know  who hurt me so much that she took away from me so much of my desire to live. But you wrote that no one hurt you (“no one hurt me”). You mean all  this pain in you, and no one caused any of it?

anita

Dear Murtaza:

You wrote: “I don’t fantasize because my life is miserable, I do it because I desire it, because it makes me sleep at night”- what a powerful statement. Powerful because of the word desire in the sentence. In your post to me, you asserted your desire, stating that you desire something (a love relationship with a woman).

I placed what you desire in parenthesis because the key word in your post is desire. What you desire matters less than the fact that you experience desire.

But having no hope of that desire being materialized, you gave up on life itself, beyond merely existing, that is.

“I don’t think I will ever change my mind about life unless I see something worth living. Sadly I see most of the things pointless, and I don’t care about myself to try to ‘fix it’, if there is such a fix”-

– the desire in you, it wants to live. It is life itself. It will not allow you to be at peace with giving up on life. It doesn’t compromise itself because you think it should.

anita

Dear Murtaza:

You wrote regarding materializing your desire (making a love relationship with a woman happen in real life): “there is so much to do for something normal. I don’t see it as a fair deal. I can live without it and skip this whole suffering. Cause I’m not even sure that with that suffering I’m gonna get what I want. And I don’t rely on hope. Either way I’m going to die, so why not make it an easy life for myself”- In your thinking there is a mix of logic/ truth and illogic/ untruth.

Here is the logical/ truth in the mix of what I quoted above:

1. There is “so  much to do” for you to  materialize your desire, to make it happen in real life.

2. It is indeed not a fair deal.

3. You can live without materializing your desire, that is,  without a love relationship with a woman.

4. Even if you do  all that needs to  be done (#1), you might not succeed and end up suffering without your desire materialized.

5. It is not a good idea to hold on to hope when there is no chance of the hope coming true.

6. Either way, you are going to die.

Here is the illogical/ untruth in the mix:

1. “I can live without it and skip this whole suffering“- you can live without it (#3 above), but you can’t skip this whole suffering. You are currently living without your desire materialized and you are suffering.

A word similar to desire is passion. The word passion has the Greek word pathos in it, which means suffering. We suffer when we experience an unfulfilled desire. I suppose you can live fine without, for example,  eating a particular cake that you desire because the suffering is not severe. But living a lifetime without a loving relationship, that’s .. a kind of a suffering that is quite severe.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear Murtaza:

“but I’m suffering less”- you are suffering now less than you suffered before in life.. or less than a life you didn’t yet have (going into the world and looking for a love relationship with a woman)?

anita

Dear Murtaza:

You are welcome. I too wish that I knew you in real life, to see you smile, for you to see that I am a real person, to hug you, and of course, it wouldn’t be a romantic relationship, it couldn’t be, I am too old for you, it would be wrong. But yes, I wish you had someone in real life whom you could trust and feel safe with.

It is the afternoon where I live and I am tired. I know you didn’t write much but I still have to have a more focused brain to re-read your recent two posts (and anything you may want to add to it, if you do) and will do so Friday morning, which is in about 16 hours from now. It is after midnight, I believe, where you are. I hope you have a good night sleep, a restful sleep, and I will be back to your thread in (my) morning.

anita