Dear Kshiti1502:

It seems like the temporary halt in the processing of your application was one more difficulty than you could handle at the time, and it topped the amount of anxiety you were able to handle. Is it possible for you to see a counselor/ therapist, maybe within the university that you are attending?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I was confused recently, ever since you asked me, Feb 14 (four days ago), the following: “Do you think there is any possibility that N and I end up back together in a healthy relationship?“, and I gave you the wrong answer. I was confused because I didn’t process some information about you thoroughly, at the time. I re-read your earliest posts yesterday, studying them, and I am less confused today, therefore, amending my answer to: no, I don’t see any possibility that N and you end up back together in a healthy relationship.

The reason, you stated it yourself, in your most recent post, yesterday: “He just lacked an emotional maturity and depth that was never going to work for someone like me, who is so curious about the world and is fed by the depth it brings. He said it, he was exhausted by depth.. that right there could have been enough to end the relationship… I still don’t see a romantic future because he did not want to have the deep real conversations we needed to align ourselves and our future“- that’s it, the Reason, end of story.

“And yes, the weed is something I don’t want to compromise. I think it can be fun recreationally, but not nightly, especially since it only distanced him MORE from his real feelings. He had a false sense of feeling after he smoked, like when someone apologizes after they’ve been drinking and it just doesn’t mean much“- his daily use of weed serves to maintain the Reason, his false apologies etc.

“I want to grow, and if that relationship with him would keep be stunted then it would not be worth it. I am happier out of the relationship! and that should be the bottom line. I have left the emotional roller coaster, I truly have, I was on a huge one and I truly feel I have exited. I miss the highs of that roller coaster, but not the lows. I deserve a steadier roller coaster. I honestly did my best in that relationship, I was willing to own up to my faults, he was not (soberly anyways)“- perfectly said. I agree 100%

So, really, it’s end of story for me, in regard to the possibility of you resuming a relationship with him.

“I am going to start writing a book. I feel like I am at such an interesting time in my life where I am heading for great things“- heading for GREAT things (starting and publishing a book) is bringing me back to the topic of my confusion and yesterday’s study:

By 22 (before getting together with N), you had no long-term relationship experience, only 5 relationships that lasted about 3 months each. Your only long-term relationship was, as you said yesterday, an “emotional roller coaster” and one that you were conflicted about and wanted to end for close to half of its 2-years+  duration.

Re-reading your complaints about N in your 2 original posts, it’s clear that you required and demanded of him complete and ever present adoration, and when you didn’t get it, you were devastated. This factor would cause the failure of a healthy intimate relationship with ANY man.

You wanted him to get all your jokes and laugh.. otherwise, you felt lonely. You were jealous at his roommate, as I understand it, wanting to be the only beneficiary of N’s resources. N took it all because he was “easy going” (made possible by his daily,  heavy weed use), accommodating your cravings to be treated Special, best he could, allowing you to determine where and how you spent your date nights, taking you to fancy dinners, etc. His easy-goingness and efforts to accommodate you may be the reasons why the relationship lasted so much longer than the previous 3-months limit per relationship.

Here are a few quotes from what you shared in support of what I wrote right above:

“I do not feel physically confident IN the relationship (I know I’m adorable and sexy, but he does not make me feel it, he is silent and I don’t catch him staring at me or complimenting… My flirtation is lost on him and that is sooooooo hard for me… N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes, and sometimes he doesn’t even hear or get them at all. And in those moments, I feel so so lonely“- (1)  this is a very positive self-image/ confidence on your part, knowing that you are adorable and sexy. (2) you demanded his adoration and when he didn’t deliver it to your satisfaction, you were devasted, it was so very, very hard for you, you felt so very lonely.

“He is not afraid of commitment with me, he talks about kids, willing to be a stay-at-home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!!.. the pattern ends up me calling the shots a lot, our date nights depend on my mood, the music, most of the movies we watch, it’s all my comfortable preferences, when does this become selfish?“- you called the shots, he accommodated, or tried to.

“he has many friends I don’t necessarily like… his (still) roommate is not someone I typically would have spent a lot of time with for various reasons, I felt he takes from the energy more than he gives and I felt drained when he was around. I complained to my boyfriend about this more than I should have.. On ‘overly’ controlling my environment, I feel I can be selfish by simply not wanting certain people“- you wanted to be N’s one and only person.

“He often says ‘love is a choice’ and I get that and agree to an extent but I’m like ‘ok but what do you love about my personality? like me specifically apart from others… I am not sure he sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl who’s pretty, good awareness, and fun… he is always there for me, which is nice, but… I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME… I want him to tell me he loves me and that I’m beautiful… and I want to explode and just be like ‘DO YOU SEE ME“-

– ME, ME…

“I have wondered before if I am a narcissist and a taker in life…  one day he will come out and say “we only ever do what you want and I’m sick of it… Above I mentioned a fear of being/becoming a narcissist”-

Mayo clinic: “Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. A narcissistic personality disorder causes problems in many areas of life, such as relationships, work, school or financial matters. People with narcissistic personality disorder may be generally unhappy and disappointed when they’re not given the special favors or admiration that they believe they deserve. They may find their relationships troubled and unfulfilling, and other people may not enjoy being around them. Treatment for narcissistic personality disorder centers around talk therapy, also called psychotherapy….  it often begins in the teens or early adulthood..

“Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can: * Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration. * Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment. *Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements. * Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are. * Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate. * Believe they are superior to others..”.

What do you think, and how do you feel about this?

anita

Dear swimming Seaturtle:

I read just a few words from your recent post, and will read all and reply Sun morning, but for now, in regard to “I know a better partner is out there for me”, I have no doubt (it’s my gut/ intuition talking) that you should let N go, and move beyond him, be back to you in the morning.

anita

Dear alette:

I am sorry that you feel like you are breaking again! It seems to me that he is selfish, that you deserve an explanation for why he broke up a 2-year relationship with you; you asked for an explanation and he refuses to give it to you. He feels better not giving you an explanation, and seems like he doesn’t care that you feel worse for not being given an explanation. I am guessing that you didn’t notice him being selfish during the relationship?

“For a week I thought I have been okay…  today he called me , I thought maybe he wanted to talk, but unfortunately he wanted to know if am at home so that he could drop my stuffs… I feel like I am breaking again“- I think that it is your hope that he wanted to talk followed by the disappointment about him not wanting to talk, that re-opened your breakup wound. It’d be way better for you to not hope again and then, disappointed again, so that the wound can heal. How do you feel about his seeming lack of empathy for you, in not giving you an explanation?

anita

Dear Maria:

You are very welcome, and thank you for your appreciation!

A little nostalgic travel back in time: your first post was on June 21, 2016: “I am 26 years old living with my parents (they need my support + it would be culturally inappropriate for me to live alone in my country)“, and I answered you on the same day. It was summer the day you first posted, and you chose shade in the summer (no spaces) as your screen name. I am guessing that like everyone, you like a cover from the hot sun during a hot summer.

The title of your first thread from which I quoted above was “Constant target for anger“, and you shared that following a long time in which your mother and yourself were targets for your father’s anger and supporting each other, she (your mother) targeted her anger at you. Thinking of anger like a hot sun.. one would need to find shade.

You wrote on July 1, 2016: “There is a conflict between what I have been raised to be believe is the ‘right thing’ as a ‘good daughter’ and what is necessary for my own happiness which is acting as a road block right now“.

On July 14, 2016, you chose green shade as your screen name, and this is still your screen name 7.5 years later. Green is the color of life growing, and indeed you have grown since, like you stated today, Feb 16, 2024: “for many years now, I have tried to keep my alignment with my needs as the compass (leaving for masters to a different country, leaving jobs that were toxic, moving out of my parents, living alone for my mental health needs… prioritizing people who fill my cup emotionally“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S    for all your growth, for making green shade green!

Here is an example of your growth: on Feb 2, 2017 (7 years and two weeks ago), you wrote: “Something I keep coming back to in therapy is that I don’t have boundaries. But boundaries are such an abstract concept for me – I don’t know what they look like or feel like so how do I begin to set them ?” Fast forward seven years, and you mentioned today having repeatedly set boundaries  (“setting boundaries again and again“).

On Feb 20, 2018 (four days to 6 years ago), you shared in a thread you titled Abandoned again and again: “I’m trying to open up and be present in my relationships with friends and therapist. However, routine cancellation of plans and sessions is starting to take its toll on me… I see these people as inconsistent and not worth relying on, like most other people“. Fast forward almost 6 years, you shared today, paraphrased, that you are not leaving your country so to work abroad, travel and explore because you find consistency, reliability, belonging and continuity with your mother and family: “she takes care of me in her own way and I have started being able to receive and value that. When things were rough this last year – I didn’t feel able to go to anyone but her, all of my friends had their own lives and priorities and feel like the ‘other’, while parents and family feel like ‘belonging’… I think I’m very strongly also feeling the need for continuity with the people in my life…  familiarity feels like the only thing that brings comfort right now“.

Going back to the original post on this thread, 15 days ago, on Feb 1, 2024, you wrote: “When I think of things that bring me peace -> nature, trees, quietness, solitude“- you didn’t list family (or any person) in what brings you peace.. but I guess you forgot to mention that being physically close to your mother, father, family..  gives you a measure of peace when compared to the idea of moving away from them.

“Loss feels like a shock to my system right now and I feel very small as I write this, and very much needing comfort and maybe even something or someone to anchor onto externally“- like the song says, we are “people who need people”, always has been that way. I understand your reasons and emotional motivations to stay close to your family and country. I hope that you will find more and more peace in the resolution of the conflict you mentioned back on July 1, 2016 (quote above): being a good daughter and.. keeping the green strong and thriving in green shade.

anita

Dear Maria:

I am well, thank you!

You wrote in regard to leaving your country, your region for a job abroad, so to travel and explore (your desires): “I know I should. I think about making time to do it. But I don’t, even when I have the time, even when I’m thinking I should do it all the time, my muscles don’t seem to listen. So I don’t know. Its something I feel v helpless around“- it is the guilt about leaving your parents behind, a paralyzing guilt.. is it?

anita

Dear Tera:

“I feel as if I have so many inner feelings and secrets that no one I know completely understands… emotions I have hidden deep within my mind and emotions that I have never spoken aloud. I don’t think that anyone in my life truly understands me, am I the only one who feels this way?“- I used to feel this way for many, many years. Looking back, I understand now that the way it came about was that I grew up (I prefer to say grew-in) with a very loud, very self-centered, dominating mother for whom I did not exist as a human being with any measure of autonomy (to think my own thoughts if they are not identical to hers, to feel my own feelings, to make my own choices, to initiate anything). She showered me and dressed me till I was a teenager. I felt very ashamed to be seen naked by her and tried to hide… but in her mind, I did not exist but as a thing that needed to be cleaned and dressed, and my shame was at most an irritant to her, making her job (washing me) more difficult.

In her relationship with me, SHE existed and I didn’t. There was only her, no me. Also, she isolated me from other people, and so, I .. grew-in: I did not grow out/ develop/ thrive.  I was alone and lonely, troubled with shame and guilt, unable to get help or help myself, overthinking a lot, anxious, helpless.

I have a very unique memory as an older child, maybe I was a teenager, during a visit to my mother’s brother’s house, he looked at me with what seemed like an honest, affectionate curiosity and asked me a question. I don’t remember the question but it was about what I thought or felt about this or that. I was intrigued beyond words, as it never happened before that I was asked about what I think or what I feel, I felt an excitement, as in, is it really possible that someone wants to know.. me?

I couldn’t answer him, although I wanted to, because my mother was sitting there and seemed angry, not wanting me to answer. I was not allowed to be an autonomous person with my own thoughts and feelings, likes and dislikes, etc., unless she approved. I was quiet a lot. Decades later, as an adult (till a year ago), I’ve been told repeatedly by people that I am quiet.

“I don’t have many friends. Maybe a few that I could call friends, not acquaintances (though I do have many of those for some reason). I have never been able to keep friends for a long time, and I know it may sound ignorant and narcissistic for me to say that this is by no fault of my own, but I really do feel this way“- I didn’t have friends growing-in because if a friend from school visited me, my mother took over that friend as her own and engaged in a conversation with her while I was a (quiet) 3rd party to the interaction. And then, my mother told me negative things about everyone, children and adults (outside their presence, of course, gossiping), how I shouldn’t trust them, and so, I was indeed very alone and very lonely.

“I am 23 years old, (Female) my high school friends have all moved on or moved away, I didn’t go to college in person, but the friends I made in that time are no longer around either, whether that be due to them doing things that upset/hurt me, or simply me just pulling away because of the ‘not being understood’ feeling“- I wasn’t understood when I was your age, nor did I understand myself. Or I should say, more accurately, I misunderstood myself. I was quite sure that there was something very wrong with me.. and indeed there was, but not because I was born Wrong, but because I was made wrong, meaning, I was treated in such ways that mental health was NOT possible for me, and anyone, any child growing in with such treatment would have become mentally unwell, as unwell as I was.

With people, potential friends, I was clueless, I didn’t know HOW to interact, how to ask, how to answer, what’re the rules of engagement, other than that which my mother demanded of me: submission, suppression (and getting angry inside).

“The friends I have now think they know me, and I am self aware enough to say that yes, in most ways they do. Yet, I still always have this underlying feeling that there isn’t a deeper understanding“- there isn’t a deeper understanding of you.. by you?

“I’ve been in a notable amount of failed relationships, some serious and some not, which I have ended up ending all of them. In short, I have never been broken up with. At the end of these relationships I always find myself feeling guilty, like there is something wrong with me, this is a pattern I tend to repeat. I feel this way, but then down the line, I realize that maybe there was nothing to feel guilty about. That these failed relationships were either not fulfilling, abusive, etc.“- I know guilt so heavy that I was exhausted almost all the time. My pattern with people was submission leading to rebellion and ending contact. Over and over again. I didn’t know HOW- and still to this day, I have trouble with asserting myself. With my mother I only knew submission and quiet anger on my part, and aggression and loud anger on her part. I had no experience with assertion.

“I don’t go very long before I get into a new relationship, it’s not that I’m unable to be alone, but more of maybe I feel like I’m searching for someone who finally understands me. I am currently in a relationship now, but I am starting to get that ‘it’s not enough’ feeling again. Once again, I feel guilty, am I the problem? I can’t help but try and search for the problem inside myself. Am I the only one who goes though this?“- no, you are not the only one, that’s for sure. I didn’t understand myself, no wonder others didn’t either: how could they understand what I didn’t?

And if they understood and told me what they understood, and it felt bad hearing it, I imagine that I’d get angry with them and reject their understanding. I bet that happened to me but I didn’t know it at the time.

“Career wise, I am unfulfilled. I was a good student in high school, 4.0 GPA, Honors, acceptance into all the colleges I applied for, in many music related extracurriculars, the whole works. I took a year at Uni, failed, and started attending community college. Since then, I have been through a few different majors, but none ever committing to fully enough to see through. I have now been taking college courses for around 5 years, though I did take a break somewhere in there. I don’t see myself at any job really“- I relate to this part as well. It’s the LACK of something inside that leads to interpersonal, academic and occupational indecisiveness and instability, the not knowing.

“I am a good worker at the part-time jobs I have worked at, a great worker I could say even. I’m reliable, willing to work full hours, resilient, personable, so there isn’t a lack of self-confidence in that regard. I feel stuck. I have settled on a Paralegal Certification, as it’s much less of a degree and more of a straightforward program. Am I interested in this job? Yes. Do I feel connected or excited by it? No. I want a stable lifestyle, it’s the only reason I’ve committed to it. Living with my parents at 23 is not okay with me anymore, but at the same time I dread the monotony of a career. It depresses me to think about to be quite honest“- maybe you are so good at the part-time jobs because they are part-time. It’s the full-time jobs and long-term commitments that scare you? This has been true to me: anything “permanent” made me feel stuck, claustrophobic, scared.. just as I felt full-time/ long-term with my mother, stuck and miserable.

Interesting: you are living with your parents at 23; I lived with my mother at 23 as well.

“I have extreme anxiety. This started when I was about 19-20. I think about times before the panic attacks and anxiety started with such nostalgia, I was so full of life, willing to do anything. Take reasonable risks, go to new places, do new things, meet new people. Now I can’t even go into a crowded room without making myself feel like I’m going to pass out“- my guess is that your excessive anxiety started way before you turned 19 or 20, but it escalated and expanded in its expressions at 19 or 20. I don’t think that extreme anxiety appears in one’s life out of nowhere at 19 or 20 (you didn’t mention a traumatic event at that age), following 19 good years of growing up.

You mentioned nostalgia: nostalgia is about looking back in time and remembering the positive, forgetting the negative.

“I know what you’re going to say, I have been in therapy, it helps, but only to a certain extent. I crave being the person I used to be, I don’t know where it went wrong. Maybe somewhere in the middle of abusive relationships and unsupervised drug use. That phase has passed me by, but I want the person I used to be back. I can’t enjoy the things I used to, I’m on meds, they help only so much“- if I was in therapy while living with my mother, therapy wouldn’t have helped me, not unless it caused me to leave her. I wonder if something like this is true to you too.

Again, I am guessing that your troubles pre-dated your abusive relationships with boyfriends and your drug use. It was true in my case, that I started adulthood with so much trouble within me, that trouble escalated when I was 18 or so. I think of it, the pre-18 trouble, like mud on top of a hill; and the trouble post 18, as that mud rolling down the hill, gathering more and more mud in its way, growing bigger and bigger.

“I guess what I’m trying to relay is that I don’t know where I’m going wrong. I recognize patterns in myself but I am unable to fix them or make myself feel better. There is some kind of longing in me for something more, only I don’t know what that something is. At this point, I’m insatiable. No relationship is good enough. No job is good enough. No career path is good enough. No friends are good enough. I don’t know what is missing. I’m not lost in life, I have direction, but I don’t know what direction I’m going. If that makes sense“- the longing for something more, maybe it is the longing to know and understand yourself better. Life cannot possibly be good enough when you don’t understand what you need to understand. A cognitive– emotional understanding of oneself is necessary for one’s mental health.

It is interesting that you say that you are not lost in life, that you have a direction, but you don’t know what direction you’re going. Maybe you are referring to your occupational direction, the paralegal direction. You wrote about it: “Am I interested in this job? Yes. Do I feel connected or excited by it? No.” Cognitively, you are interested in it; emotionally, you are not interested in it. Maybe what you mean by having a direction in life is that cognitively/ rationally- you have a direction, but emotionally, you do not…?

“I guess writing here is my way of feeling less alone, though will it be good enough to cure that feeling? Probably not. I’m floating, I’m not depressed, I can laugh and feel happy and have good days, but it always comes back to this feeling. Am I the problem? and what even is the problem?“- maybe the problem is lack of connection between the rational and the emotional. To feel grounded in life, knowing what it is that you truly want, you have to have an emotional understanding of yourself. Maybe you are dissociated from your emotional self, like I have been for so long, (maybe less severely than I was).

“If you would like to get a clearer picture of past, you can go back and read my previous posts, I’ve been posting on here for a few years now. Thanks for reading, Tera“- You are welcome, Tera. I would like to read your previous threads and our past communication there, but following a few minutes of internet and starting this reply, I lost internet (and electricity) and can’t open new windows with your previous threads. I hope to not lose this reply before sending it.

It is now 2:48 pm here and the electricity/ internet is back!

anita