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anitaParticipant* I want to add a note about Tommy’s post:
“Oh, wow, so much.. BS. No not the right word. You seem to be extremely cerebral… There is nothing special about enlightenment… Drop this monkey mind”–
– calling Peter’s thoughts and feelings BS? Telling him there is nothing special about what he believes to be special? Telling him to drop his ideas and beliefs?
And, sneakily, you say BS is not the right word, but you don’t delete the it.
You call him extremely cerebral: Wel, you Tommy were extremely rude here. Personally, I’ll take extremely cerebral over extremely rude any time of the day or night.
anita
anitaParticipant* Thank you, Helcat!
anitaParticipantDear Franco:
Part of my recent availability is that I have Covid since yesterday and can’t go out..
I like it that you place some humor into what happened, good thing! Humor is one way to regulate emotions. There is no way to make emotions go away, but there are ways to regulate them.
“even a friend of mine told me not to think about it because it doesn’t mean that girl thinks badly of me“- looking at a situation that you interpreted a certain way, and asking yourself: is there another way to interpret this situation? is part of emotion regulation (part of CBT: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). It’s about seeking the correct, true interpretation of events instead of making assumptions.
Like I wrote to you before, maybe she likes shy guys, maybe her focus would be on your strengths, not on your weaknesses. I don’t know, but neither do you, unless you find out. We can talk more about this tomorrow.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter:
As I sit in bed, 2nd day of Covid, can’t go out and about like I do every day, can’t chop wood and carry water, can’t do my usual daily walk, having moments of almost panic, claustrophobic, as in: I CAN”T GO OUT? FOR HOW LONG? HOW MANY DAYS??? AND NIGHTS???!!!
In this state of mind, I read your earlier post today and find comfort in it. It’s my temporal measuring mind that is panicking. Enlightenment would be something like this then: Before enlightenment, sick with Covid and panicking. After enlightenment, sick with Covid but calm.
As I sit here perspiring, belly uncomfortable, feeling hot, listening to the birds outside, seeing the sun through the curtains, hearing the wind now going through the leaves: I am not lost in thought; I am attending completely: this is meditation.
There is indeed something beyond words, beyond all thought.. timeless… a something not to attain, but to attend to.
“The question arises Do we dare to ‘see’ Life as it Is?“- yes, I dare to see Stillness that’s beyond Movement; Eternity beyond Time; and Acceptance and Love beyond Judgment and Hate.
Thank you, Peter!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Franco:
Understandable. Like I said, strong emotions are like internal powerful storms, that’s why it’s not possible to wish them away. Have to recover after a powerful storm. I hope you rest well, and when you are ready, maybe we can talk about Emotion Regulation: it’s about regulating/ calming strong emotions.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Franco:
I wish the colleague didn’t laugh at you. It’s not only rude but unprofessional for an employee in a business to laugh at a customer visiting the place of business.
An emotion (e-motion) is energy in-motion, and the energy of fear and shame (embarrassment) are powerful energies that we need to respect as powerful, on the personal level, no less than the energy of a lightening or a storm.
“I don’t know what to do“- can you message her online? The phone/ computer screen aren’t intimidating: she can’t see you, you can’t see her, no one there to laugh at you as you type out a message..?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Gresshoppe:
I neglected to reply to you three days ago (Sun), but here I am.
“Normally, I would just say it, but he makes me nervous“- because he has anger issues (you shared that in the first page of your thread). It’s difficult to break up or.. slow down with someone who is angry and pushy.
Did you already have the talk with him?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Franco:
You got anxious. Our thinking is not at its best when we’re anxious: maybe her colleague at the shop was laughing, but not at you...?
You didn’t get to talk to her?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Carol:
You are welcome! “if she takes days to reply, I guess I will have my answer… In both cases, I will give up on the friendship“- so, you are prepared for 3 out of 4 of the possibilities and give up the friendship as a result.
In regard to the 2nd possibility out of the four: “It would seem quite sudden, especially as we haven’t really been emotionally close in a long time. I think I would need some time one on one to rebuilt the friendship. Does that make sense?“- yes, it makes sense that you’ll need 1-on-1 time with her before meeting her boyfriend and his friends.
“Sometimes, I think the last one is the most likely to happen“- it will be interesting how she will respond, if it’d be one of the possibilities I mentioned or something that didn’t occur to me (or to you?)
“But I will find some peace in the fact that I have tried the best I could to salvage our friendship.“- peace of mind is so very important. More important than any friendship.
anita
anitaParticipantDear debs123:
How are you feeing today?
“I don’t believe he had a guilty conscience about anything he did“- that says a lot, I mean, no guilty conscience about anything at all?
“Looking back, he was manipulative and controlling. It was all so subtle, slow-like…. when he dumped me 2 years ago, the last thing I said to him was, you are an evil human.“- evil in a subtle, slow-like way, yet in a way that has hurt you significantly. Can you block him, so that he can’t reach you?
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
I understand you missing her. “It hurts to think that she might be uncomfortable with me in the house“- it just so happens that an article on emotion regulation (or emotional regulation) appeared on my newsfeed yesterday, msn. com en-us/ health/ other/ exploring-emotional-regulation-techniques, about how very helpful it is to one’s health and relationships. The better you regulate your emotions, the healthier you are, and the healthier your relationships.
Post again anytime. Remember, this is your journal, if you want it to be.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Clara:
You are welcome.
“This morning, it did come across to me that maybe it is better if we are apart….Maybe she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore. Together or not“- I boldfaced what love is about.
“Anyhow, I will continue to see the issue that is happening on my side, will go to therapy tomorrow. Will see what comes up“- I think that by this time, you already had your therapy session, and In wonder how what transpired and how you are feeling.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Debs123:
You are very welcome and thank you for the appreciation. I will be back to you in about 11 hours from now.
anita
July 2, 2024 at 4:45 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #434570anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
“When I am not on the site for a couple weeks, does it make you feel like I am selfish, using you, or cold?”- no. When you don’t reply to me for an couple of weeks, I think that you don’t have a desire to talk to me, or you have the desire to not talk to me. At times I felt a bit hurt, a bit angry.
“Also I apologize for my horribly grammatical phone message here a couple weeks ago“- I didn’t notice or I don’t remember a horribly grammatical message by you.
“but you did great with it!“- thank you!
“To your post June 12th“… did you behave coldly and selfishly with him- Sometimes? Often? Rarely? Never?”- Not never… I went silent and cold, while being kind and straight forward… him calling me cold sometimes is accurate”- it’s a good thing that you didn’t go silent and cold and then erupt with rage (my mother’s pattern).
When you say “silent and cold”, you mean silently hurt and angry?
“For me ‘my true self was warm, but then was terribly abused, twisted into knots and generally emptied of the feeling of warmth. Leading to me feeling cold. My dad was also paranoid and emotionally detached from me, angry at me.. And I also feel it created an angry, judgmental and misguided loyalty. Everyone hurt him so I hated everyone including myself. All with the purpose of his acceptance, ‘togetherness.'”-
– wait, these are your words or mine (all of it, with warmth substituting the feeling of being ALIVE (my words).. ?
“I am trying to put together how/ which experiences I went through created this ‘barren emptiness.’… I felt the majority of my real self was rejected and judged by N…. It is out of the relationship, the past 6 months that I have been able to be my real self, I am not afraid to be rejected by new people and find it so exciting to find people who are real with me. That attitude has lead me to new relationships with new people”– I boldfaced the good news: you are mentally healthier following the breakup, congrats!!!
“Yes, I very intentionally have time before having my own hatchlings. I want to make sure I am swimming in the correct direction, to the right beach.“- swimming in the correct direction is key (It’s the journey)
anita
anitaParticipantDear Caroline:
I did not re-read any of our previous communication before I replied to you yesterday. I just did a bit of reading and came across a promise I made to you on March 5 this year: “I promise you that if and when you are back, when I respond to you, I will pay close attention to submit posts that are always gentle and kind.”
Your last words before your return yesterday (July 1) was on March 10: “Recently I am not as scared to express that I don’t like something. I wish I could do it more often, it is very freeing. take care“.
Having re-read some of our communication before: I wonder if you visited Italy with your girlfriend, how it was, and about your job that you were struggling with. You don’t have to share of course. Also, I wonder about Emotion Regulation which we discussed, and which is just what you (and all of us) need. I wonder if you followed up on it.
anita
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