Dear Adrianne:

I want to be more focused so to better reply. You are touching on something I experienced a lot of growing up (and onward, fo r as long as I was in contact with my mother), and I want to process all this with a fresh brain, tomorrow morning. (It’s Thurs afternoon here).

Anita

Dear Tom:

You are welcome, as always, and thank you for your thoughtful response. It’s great that you have a couple of friends to exchange messages with and that you’re mindful of your partner’s positivity practice.

Here are a few additional ways you might consider expressing your feelings:

Beyond journaling, you might try creative writing, poetry, or storytelling. Sometimes exploring fictional narratives can provide new perspectives on real-life emotions.

Engaging in artistic activities like drawing, painting, or playing a musical instrument can be a powerful way to express and process emotions.

Activities like running, yoga, or even a brisk walk can help release built-up tension and clear your mind.

Dance or other forms of expressive movement (like Tai Chi) can be a unique way to channel your emotions physically.

Beyond the Calm app, you might explore other guided meditations focused on emotional release and healing.

Incorporating mindfulness exercises, such as body scans or mindful breathing, can help you stay present and connected with your emotions.

Joining a support group or group therapy can provide a sense of community and understanding from others who may be experiencing similar challenges, and of course, therapy or counseling.

It’s important to find what resonates with you and feels right for your situation. You’re doing a great job by taking proactive steps for your well-being, and it’s commendable that you’re considering how your actions impact those around you.

Take care and keep prioritizing your emotional health.

anita

Dear Peter:

I admire your commitment to self-reflection and growth. The exercises you mentioned are intriguing ways to explore and appreciate your past without being constrained by it.

“It might be interesting exercises to try to re-write the old stories or journal entries while trying to avoid labeling language. My first attempts were surprising. Without the labels it seems to free the memories, allowing them to flow…. they didn’t become the emotions in the moment, so I didn’t relive the experience by bring the past into the present”-

– okay, I just dug into the very thick folder of my journal entries and typed out this portion of what I shared on May 18, 2013 in regard to my mother, with whom I was still in contact at the time, exactly as it appears on the paper: “Once somebody has hurt you TOO MUCH, for TOO LONG, TOO OFTEN, TOO COMPEHENSIVELY, TOO PERSISTENTLY, TOO BLINDLY to your suffering, and with NO APOLOGIES, NO ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS…, you don’t want any contact with that person… Any such contact is humiliating and a further victimization to the victim of the perpetrator… It is infuriating to me, the perpetrator’s expectation, as well as society’s expectation, that I continue contact with my perpetrator because she is my mother… No contact is necessary for me… for my sense of self-respect, self-compassion- for my sense that I am taking a stand. For as long as I continue contact, I deny and minimize my own experience of so many years. I deny and minimize my decades-old desire to have no contact with her. I NEED to have no contact with her and in so doing TAKE A STAND. Be believable in that she really, really hurt me”.

In the above entry, there are many labeling words, and in big case letters. Some of them are: “TOO MUCH, for TOO LONG, TOO OFTEN, TOO COMPREHENSIVELY, TOO PERSISTENTLY, TOO BLINDLY”- words that emphasize the extent and intensity of the hurt I experienced; “NO APOLOGIES, NO ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS”- words that highlight the lack of remorse or acknowledgment from my perpetrator; “humiliating”- a word that conveys a strong negative judgment about the contact with her; “infuriating”- a word that describes my intense emotional reaction to the societal and perpetrator’s expectations to maintain contact; “perpetrator”- a word that assigns a specific role to the person who caused harm; “victim”- a label assigns a specific role to the person who suffered harm.

There are advantages of using labeling language in contexts as in the above: it helps to clearly express the intensity and nature of emotions. Words like “infuriating,” “humiliating,” and “victimization” communicate strong feelings and make it evident how deeply I was affected by her. By using these labels, I tried to validate my own emotions and experiences (something extremely important in the face of lacking external validation). These labels provided immediate context and understanding to anyone reading these words: words like “perpetrator” and “victim” quickly establish the roles and dynamics in the situation.

My labeling language communicated the severity of my experiences. Repeating words like “TOO MUCH,” “TOO LONG,” and “NO APOLOGIES” highlights the persistent and comprehensive nature of the harm.

I needed to use labeling language to effectively communicate (or try to communicate) the depth and extent of the hurt I experienced. It helped me to articulate the profound impact of the abuse and neglect I endured. By labeling my experiences, I was seeking recognition and validation of my suffering (seeking my own recognition and validation and that of anyone reading or listening to me), trying to ensure that my pain is acknowledged and taken seriously. It helped me assert my need for no contact as a necessary boundary for my well-being. It communicated the importance of this boundary clearly and strongly.

Labeling my experiences empowered me to take a stand. It reinforced my decision to protect myself from further harm, and it helped me to challenge societal expectations that I should maintain contact with my perpetrator. It highlighted the injustice of these expectations and reinforces my right to prioritize my own well-being.

Labels like “infuriating” and “humiliating” communicate the injustice and absurdity of being expected to maintain contact with someone who caused significant harm.

If I was to re-write the above (today) without labeling language, it’d be something like this: “My mother caused me significant and repeated harm over a long period, without acknowledging my suffering or seeking forgiveness, and maintaining contact with her was extremely challenging. The contact with her felt disempowering and harmful. I find it difficult to accept the expectation from both my mother and society that I should continue contact because she is my mother. Establishing no contact is important for my sense of self-respect and self-compassion, and it allows me to assert my boundaries. Continuing contact means diminishing my own experiences and long-held desire for separation. I need to establish no contact to honor my own feelings and experiences and to acknowledge the impact of the harm I have endured.”-

– By removing labeling words, the narrative becomes more neutral and objective, and it encourages you, the reader, to interpret my experiences and emotions based on your own perspectives, without being influenced by my pre-assigned judgments.

Removing these labeling words is supposed to (so I am reading online this morning) support my healing process by allowing me to process my experiences without being overwhelmed by the intensity of labeling judgments. Without labeling, there is supposed to be a sense of emotional detachment from the events, which can make it easier to process and reflect on them without being overwhelmed.

To the right above, I say this morning, more than 11 years since my massively LABELING writing above, that using non-labeling, more neutral and objective language would have harmed me, because I desperately needed MY voice to be heard. Following a lifetime of not being seen or heard, I (me, myself) needed to be seen and heard.

Fast forward, now, being that I did cut contact with my mother shortly after that journal entry (May 2013), now that I did protect myself, I can see the benefit in using non-labeling language because it allows the reader to feel what he/ she would feel, based on his/ her life experience, reading about my experience, and not feel weighed down/ limited by my strong emotions.

Although I see it as a disadvantage to un-label my journal entry back on May 18, 2013, I see un-labeling advantageous in the context of much lesser impactful interactions with people. Example, an original journal entry: “I felt so angry when my friend didn’t show up for our meeting. It was so rude and disrespectful of her. I can’t believe how thoughtless she is. This always happens, and it’s incredibly frustrating. I always feel like I’m the one who cares more in this friendship.”

Rewritten without labeling language: “When my friend didn’t show up for our meeting, there was a strong emotional response within me. The situation triggered a reaction where I experienced intense feelings. I noticed that this event reminded me of past experiences where I felt similarly. It seems like I often find myself in situations where I question the dynamics of my friendships, and the level of care involved.”

In the revised version, the emotional reactions and thoughts are described without labeling the emotions as “angry”, “rude”, “disrespectful”, “thoughtless”, or “frustrating”. Instead, the focus is on the experience and observation of the emotions, allowing for a more neutral and reflective narrative. If the revisited version is followed by The Rule of Charity, let’s say, it can lead to a more balanced and true perception of the friend, leading to empathy and calming the anger.

On the other hand, empathy for my mother was the ongoing experience that has kept me in contact with her for way too long. More empathy for her in 2013, would have kept me imprisoned for longer, making it a lifetime of devastation for me.

See, I just used strong, labeling words: “a lifetime of devastation”, and I used those words because my mother has been, truly, a lifetime devastation for me: although much healing has been done, still- every day, almost every moment of every day- I experience an intense physical tension, a physical disquiet that accompanies these tics- my left shoulder twitching just now, here’s a tic involving my neck, here’s the usual trouble to extend my belly so to breathe comfortably. This is a physical- neurological and permanent damage that my mother inflicted on me.

It is not possible for me to undo/ reverse this particular damage- no matter what I do or don’t do, and for how long- same as a victim of chronic neurotoxicity (long-term damage to the nervous system caused by exposure to toxic substances, an irreversible damage which includes symptoms like tremors, rigidity, and involuntary movements) cannot undo or reverse their damage, no matter how much and for how long they try, no matter how much anger they release, no matter how much therapy they receive. Some things can’t be reversed.

Another permanent damage is my ADHD and learning disabilities (trouble with memory and processing information), which is the reason why I write (or type) so much, ever since I was able to write. It helps me process information. And processed, I forget and have to re-process. Actually, I just exhausted myself processing and typing so much in this post. I hope that it wasn’t too for you, Peter? If you’d like, I can submit shorter posts for you in the future.

anita

Dear Zenith:

Try to tell yourself these things and let these things sink in. At the surface, they don’t make a difference. To make a difference, they need to reach deep.

Anita

Dear Peter:

First, I want to rewrite what you presented in your recent post and expand on parts I didn’t adequately understand. Not because you didn’t write it well, but because of my significant to severe lifetime ADD: I can’t absorb much information unless I rewrite what I read. (I’ve done this since I was able to write, rewriting everything when studying for test in elementary school and onward).

In your recent post, you reflected on your habit of labeling your experiences as “bad” or “good.” You acknowledged that these labels impose judgments, which may not accurately reflect the reality of those moments, realizing that your ability to label experiences wasn’t inherently good or bad; it just was.

The lack of labeling and judgment in the storytelling of Sarah Polley’s documentary stood out to you, and you appreciate how the documentary presented Sarah’s mother as a complex and multi-dimensional individual. Instead of being seen through a single lens or defined by one aspect of her life, she is shown as having various sides to her personality and character. This includes her dreams, aspirations, personal struggles, strengths, and weaknesses. The documentary doesn’t shy away from showing her human flaws, acknowledging that she, like everyone else, had her shortcomings. The documentary does not define Sarah’s mother solely by her affair and not reducing her to a single act or mistake.

It’s easy to allow the stories, opinions, and judgments of others to shape how we see ourselves and our own lives. People internalize these external narratives and let them define our self-worth or life path. The key point here is that, despite the influence of others, we have the power to choose whether or not to let these external stories define us. Recognizing that it’s a choice means taking responsibility for how we perceive and define ourselves, rather than passively accepting external definitions. Understanding that we have a choice in how we let others’ stories affect us is empowering.

This means that we can reframe our experiences, redefine our self-worth, and construct a personal narrative that aligns with our authentic selves. It allows us to create a story that is true to who we are. In essence, while others’ stories can influence us, we have the power to choose how much we let them define us.

The documentary’s imagery and approach to capturing raw, unfiltered moments resonates deeply with you. You found beauty in the discomfort and messiness of the individuals sharing their stories. There is a unique beauty in the honest, unfiltered, and sometimes messy sharing of personal stories. You wonder if labeling our experiences prevents us from appreciating their raw beauty. By not labeling, we might be able to see the true essence of our stories.

As you revisited old journal entries, you contemplate whether you can view them without the need to “fix” them. Instead, you consider seeing them with fresh eyes, allowing them to be as they were/are/will be.

You question whether you can accept the messiness of your life as beautiful. This acceptance represents a significant shift in how you perceive and relates to your past.

2nd part of this post is quoting you and commenting: “you could see…. them… all of it in their faces, the shots pierced the heart… the bitter the sweet, and it was beautiful in all its messiness, they were beautiful in their discomfort of sharing”- this sentence, your sentence starts messy, authentic (not tidy) and it is indeed beautiful.

“Can I tell the stories today without the labels and let them be as they were/are/will be? Can I allow the messiness of myself to be beautiful? LOL Why do I feel a need to label is so?”-

-Yesterday, in my short reply, based on these three questions, I labeled/ referred to you as “cute”. The word “cute” is often associated with innocence and a sense of purity, and it’s often used to describe what or who evokes positive and affectionate feelings. Indeed, my use of “cute” was motivated by a feeling of affection and positive appreciation of you. I see innocence and purity in your questions.

But after submitting that post yesterday, I was worried that “cute” may not come across positively to you, that it may offend you. In other words, referring to you as “cute” may have been messy. Although very well intended: I thought it’d make you feel good to know how your questions came across to me.

“Can I tell the stories today without the labels and let them be as they were/are/will be?”- I am now asking myself this question with the intent to answer it in regard to my story or stories involving the person who impacted my life so very much: she (my mother) did what she needed to do, similar in principle to a hungry mountain lion attacking and eating a fawn (a young deer). People generally wouldn’t label the mountain lion “bad” because it is driven by instinct, and it didn’t choose to be born a carnivore (or to be born at all), and everyone needs to eat.

The above was pretty neat. I’ll try to be messy: my mother was so sad, so depressed, I feel sorry for her. Oh, how I wish she was happy, so very, very much, wanting her to be happy with every fiber of my being.

“Without the labels and let them be as they were/are/will be?”- without labels, underneath or beyond labels, there is love (based on what I typed right above, from my heart).

“Can I allow the messiness of myself to be beautiful?”- my messiness is Love, after all, I realize now, as I am typing this. Ha. And love is beautiful, nothing more beautiful.

“LOL Why do I feel a need to label is so?”- (1) my neat answer: labeling is a natural cognitive function that helps us categorize and make sense of the world. It simplifies complex information, making it easier to process and communicate. Historically, labeling has been crucial for survival, helping us quickly identify threats, resources, and social dynamics.

Accurately labeling emotions is necessary for mental health and healthy social function. By accurately naming/ labeling our emotions, we can * Identify what triggers them, which is essential for addressing underlying issues. * Reduce their intensity. For example, identifying a feeling as “anxiety” rather than just experiencing an overwhelming sense of discomfort can make it more manageable. * Apply appropriate coping strategies. Knowing we are sad, for instance, may motivate us to seek comfort, while recognizing anger may lead us to find ways to calm down. * Communicate our feelings more clearly to others, enhancing understanding and empathy in relationships, and resolving conflicts more effectively. * Prevent rumination, where we endlessly cycle through negative thoughts. * Make more informed and balanced choices that consider both emotional and rational aspects. * Avoid making impulsive decisions based on unchecked emotions.

My messy (non-analytical, non-clinical) answer (about you): it’s okay for Peter to be Peter. Peter is beautiful inside and out. Everything about Peter is okay with me. I like you.

anita

Dear Zenith:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts (again) so openly. You are always welcome to do so. It’s completely normal to feel stuck and compare yourself to others sometimes. Many people go through similar experiences, and it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings are valid.

Taking small steps can really make a difference. Even if it feels challenging, try to take small actions toward your goals. Every little effort counts, and it’s okay to move at your own pace.

Interviews can be very difficult, especially with social anxiety. Practicing with a trusted friend or family member can help build confidence. Remember, it’s okay to feel nervous— many people do. Also, seeking support from a career coach may help.

Comparing yourself to others is hard but try to focus on your own journey. Everyone’s path is different, and what matters most is your own growth and progress. Celebrate your achievements, no matter how small they might seem.

When it comes to social connections, quality often matters more than quantity. Nurture the friendships you have and consider joining a club or group that interests you to build new connections. It’s natural to feel jealous sometimes, but focusing on the positive aspects of your own life can help.

Navigating cultural and social dynamics, like casteism, is difficult. Seek out communities where you feel accepted and valued. Connecting with others who share similar experiences provides a sense of belonging and understanding.

You have three friends and a supportive husband—those relationships are valuable. Keep nurturing them and take care of yourself.

Hang in there and know that you have support. 🌟

anita

Dear Zenith:

You are welcome. Got to run (a very late start of the day, being that I slept so little, was up before 2 am, then napped at 9 am. I’ll read and reply later, Tues morning, if not later this evening.

Take care of yourself- you deserve peace of mind!

anita