You are welcome, Eva.

You were asking for connection and respect, and instead of being met with empathy, you were told you were lacking “understanding.”

In other words, you were expressing real, valid needs. But he framed those needs as a problem, leading to the breakup.

Accusing you of being not “understanding” enough — flips the script. Instead of him being accountable for neglect or emotional distance, he positioned you as the problem. This is a classic reversal tactic that leaves the other person carrying the emotional burden.

It seems like love and connection with him were contingent on your silence and self-erasure. The idea that you might have “saved” the relationship by suppressing your needs suggests you were trained to believe that emotional expression equals rejection…?

Eva, you didn’t ruin the relationship by speaking up — you revealed a truth that he wasn’t willing to meet. Your needs weren’t too much — they were unmet.

You deserve to grieve not just the loss of the relationship, but the loss of safety in expressing your truth. That grief is sacred. It’s not weakness — it’s evidence of your emotional integrity.

With care, Anita

Good Morning, Zenith: I changed my mind.. please disregard the Goodby 😊

Would you like me to have an email address of yours where we can continue to communicate, Zenith?

Anita

I know anxiety all too well and I know fear of people, but I am discovering my own fierceness. I am discovering what it means and how to make it work for me (and for others).. And so can you. It takes learning, beginning in “small” ways. I put small in quotations because whenever you assert yourself just right.. there’s nothing small about it.

If you want, we can practice: you be you and I’ll play the part of your manager.. or co-sister or mil.

(I have to leave soon and be back to the computer tonight).

Anita

She got it from you! The Fierceness is within you, I noticed it from the time we first started talking 🔥

It takes courage. But think about it: what’s the worst that can happen if you decide how you respond to co-sister? You’ll have to sleep on a small bed all by yourself when you’re there. lol.. Better that or some sign of others’ disapproval than a heavy, angry (understandably) mind and heart!

“Why I should I treat her with more respect if I don’t get the same respect back?”- this question is easy to answer: you can’t control how your mil treats your co-sister, but you can control how you treat the co-sister.

Your mil has the right to respond to the co-sister as she wishes; she has no right to control your responses to the co-sister.

No More Unfair Control, says I!

Oh, yes, I remember now. In my response earlier today I completely forgot the respect for elders cultural nuance. I am sorry for the confusion, Zenith.

Integrating this nuance now, I’d say: if this is the cultural norm, then it’s not personal. Whether you accept this part of the culture or fight it- that’s your personal choice (I know you are a rebel in this regard).

If I was you, while in India (as long as the room I am given is uncomfortably small), I would accept the situation.. But when they all visit me.. guess who gets the small room.. lol.

Anita