Dear Seaturtle:

“Kind of funny, my dad and I shared a mother, in a way. Although she had 7 boys, my dad being the oldest boy… I became my grandma’s little girl she always wanted. So although the same mom as my dad I am sure she treated me with more favor.“- your father was her 2nd child and first boy. Six boys and 21 years later, you were born, and, in practice, you became her long-awaited 2nd girl. I imagine she did indeed treat you, when you were growing up, differently than she treated her first boy, when he was growing up, a few decades earlier.

She treated all 8 children somewhat differently, and treated you perhaps most differently.

I didn’t know until you shared today that you spent so much time with your grandmother: how did she treat you?

anita

Dear Nichole:

“I was also enjoying the attention. It was exciting to be back in contact. It was a distraction from some of my own issues in my own life. It was my loneliness“- contact with friendly people is exciting, especially when one is lonely. It’s like this for all social mammals. Think of dogs, how excited they get when in contact with people and with other dogs (who they don’t consider to be a threat), wagging their tails and all.

“Anyhow, we have not spoke other than in short. I have set a boundary, silently, and he seems to be respecting it“- it’s very important that you set boundaries and that people respect your boundaries!

“Boundaries are hard to stick to, I find. I don’t know if throughout the years my mind has created a poor memory, but I set boundaries and goals and can easily move on to the next or just forget, lose interest in this important goal/boundary I set. I find it hard to stay consistent. And it’s disappointing“- focus on how well you are doing; on where you succeed, not on where you fail. We all fail every day: it’s the human condition. Best you can do, when you fail, is to make a mental note of how you can do better the next time you encounter a similar situation. Make a note of it (in your mind, or you can write it down), like a student would, for the purpose of learning, without self-condemnation. Students learn better when they are treated kindly. Treat yourself. Always.

“Last month  my uncle and I spoke. During the conversation he let me know that he would like to gift me a down payment on a condo. I was stunned. I have never received such a monetary gift… I have a lot of work to do financially before I can afford this. This is a goal I must stick to.“- I can’t think of anyone more deserving of such a gift, how exciting! I hope the gift materializes. You’ve been wanting to buy a condo for years!

anita

Dear Robi:

“With no exception, every time I’m heading there ( before the classes) I get a slight headache – which gets worse during my classes. This doesn’t happen when I work in the bar – although I’m basically in the sun for 8 hours running jumping around like Rocky Balboa“- teaching causes you anxiety which causes the headaches, I figure. Working the bar suits you much better.

“My girlfriend would like me to go back to Warsaw.. although she prefers not to say anything – she always encourages me to do as I feel“- a wonderful girlfriend!

“She’s running her own business there and lately it started getting better and better so leaving her business there and coming here doesn’t seem like the right thing to do“- I agree.

“These last days I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs in Warsaw…  Let’s see if there will be any offers – then maybe I can weigh things and see what makes more sense“- yes, see what makes more sense depending on what work becomes available for you. If you find a good job that you can do in Warsaw, living close to, or with your girlfriend.. that reads logical and sensible to me.

“Very often after 3 or even 2 hours of teaching I get so tired that I just don’t have the resources. Whenever I have those headaches I feel like my body is telling me something“- your body doesn’t like teaching!

“Anyways, gotta go now – put my polo shirt on and look like a teacher“- I am visualizing Robi in a polo shirt and a headache.. I hope not. Rest well after the teaching!

anita

Dear Brian:

I re-read this morning every word you shared in your various threads since your very first post on Jan 9, 2022, almost 2 years and 4 months ago. I learned that (I am boldfacing your words):

It is very, very important to you, in the context of social interactions, to be genuine, not fake, not a fraud, not robotic and dishonest. You prefer to not interact with people at all than to interact with people who are fake, robotic and dishonest about how they really feel, and you don’t want to reciprocate such fakeness.

You feel/ have felt disconnected from the society where you live because people are praised for their so-called positive interactions, which, being fake, are not really positive: “I really would rather someone not talk to me at all than say a few meaningless phrases out of obligation… saying ‘It was great talking to you’, when you didn’t enjoy the conversation is what I’m referring to“.

“Trying to fit into the social structures of a society has been a challenge for me… A long time ago, I decided to live by my own rules… If I don’t think you’re funny, I wont laugh. If I didn’t enjoy the conversation, I might wish them a good day, but I wont say that it was great talking to them“. You will not answer certain questions that people ask you, and the questions you answer, you will not answer in the ways you believe people expect you to answer.

“My intention is to simply seek input and possible solutions… I don’t mind new perspectives… How do you give a good impression without appearing disingenuous?… I wish supernatural beings would communicate with me. That would be cool. I just don’t think it has happened… Spiritual beings are welcome to communicate with me. I don’t think they have yet.“-

– “Being spiritual means seeking a meaningful connection with something bigger than yourself, which can result in positive emotions and wiser action” (an online definition). I will add to this definition, “which can result in genuine positive emotions”.

It’s almost like you gave up on having genuine connections with people, so you hope to connect with supernatural beings, or spiritual beings instead.

You are welcome to continue to be genuine here, in your thread, and I wish you to be genuine in-real-life, every day. Strange how I forgot, that for a long time, I was very troubled by the same thing, fakeness vs genuineness. When I caught myself smiling not because I felt like smiling, I stopped the smile. I hated being fake-nice to people, and I made sure that my face showed anger when I felt angry. Coming to think about it, as I am typing to you.. growing up (growing in is more accurate), I wasn’t allowed my own emotions, I was severely judged for my emotions, as in being a bad person for .. genuinely feeling this way, or that way. So, I turned my genuine emotions inward, pushing them down.

My mother was super nice to people most of the time, super-ingenuously nice, that is,  when in their company, flattering them, complimenting them, feeding them with the most expensive foods… and then she’d complain about them behind their backs, saying that they take advantage of her and hurt her feelings. When I suggested to her to stop being so nice to them, she said she couldn’t. When I offered to be not-nice to them myself, to speak up for her, she ragefully threatened to kill me.

And so, I was made to be quiet during hours and hours (through the years) of watching her sort of go belly up with fake, exaggerated niceness to people who, she claimed, were bad people. It was a torture for me. I remember how difficult, how uncomfortable it was to hold all my anger inside, without expressing it. I was angry at the people who she claimed were taking advantage of her, and I was angry at my mother for being so nice to them and never allowing me to do what was right and just: to make the supposed bad people go away, instead of being so nice to them.

Thank you, Brian, for making it possible for me to understand what I shared right above better than I ever did.

“How do you give a good impression without appearing disingenuous?“- maybe a lot of people are stuck (like my mother was, like I was.. and sometimes, still am) in ingenuity, and not liking it at all. If you model being genuine- in a friendly way though- it will encourage some other people to be genuine too.

anita

Dear Meatball:

You are welcome. “she texted saying that she ‘is all in and wants to do the work’“-

– On your first temporary breakup almost 9 years ago, she ghosted you for a few days and then reached out to you and told you that she missed you, that she was sorry, and that “she didn’t know why she fell into this feeling“- ask her now, 9 years later, if she knows why she fell into this feeling back then and repeatedly since. If she has no idea why, or is very vague about it, it’d mean, to me, that she never bothered to figure it out in 9 years, and therefore, she is not at all, all in and wants to do the work.

Like I suggested in my last post to you, since (you stated that) she has no money,  no credit to rent a place for herself, and since she has nowhere to go, it may be that she wants to stay living with you rent/ expense free. This may be her primary motivation. Are you okay with this possibility, or probability?

“She’s been texting/ calling the entire weekend and wants to make things work.  I just don’t know what to do.“- you can tell her that you are willing to try and make things work after she moves out. See her response..?

I understand that your feelings are strong, that you are, as you stated, codependent, that in previous relationships, you “initiated the break-ups normally after meeting someone else“, and in your current relationship you haven’t met someone else yet; and I feel badly for her for not being able to live on her own. The question is, are you strong enough to do what’s right for all parties involved?

I believe that the right thing to do for all parties involved would be (1) to not have a physical-sexual relationship with her unless her motivation is not to exchange sex for a rent-free/ expenses-free living arrangement, (2) if she is willing, try and work on the relationship while not living together, first as friends only, (3) to work with her and with social services on finding a living arrangement for her and her daughter elsewhere (not in your house).

anita