Dear Caroline:

You are welcome. * Note: I just finished this short post and I feel quite overwhelmed by my current understanding. The following may be distressing to you, so please read it when you are prepared. You can choose to not read it at all.

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“I know my mother used to/still is this way, she does not believe in herself, thinks simple tasks are too much for her, whereas other people can do it with no problem because they are…more capable… I have to ‘pretend’ to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel.. inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence… she would feel inferior to someone who is powerful“-

– seems like your mother does not wish for you to be capable and powerful/ resourceful because that would make her feel inferior to you, and envious of you. So to please her, to make her better, you.. pretend to be incapable, powerless and inferior, like her.

Back in Oct 8, 2022, you wrote: “my mom started being ashamed of me…she naturally thought her child was inferior“- or she wanted her daughter to be inferior, like her. As a child, you knew what she wanted from you and you accommodated her (is what I am now thinking).

In Oct 18, 2022, you wrote: “We have this colleague… I do not act inferior with her, I noticed. Sometimes I feel … guilty? That I am ‘superior“- here it is, the projection of your mother into this colleague, as I understand it: to please your mother, to get her approval, as a child, you took on the role of incapable, inferior. You knew and still, you know that this is what she wants from you and you feel too guilty to take (that role) away from her…?

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome again, Stacy!

“I struggle immensely with self-regulating“- when I started my first quality therapy 12 years ago (2011-13), the first thing my therapist did was to have me listen every day to one of  a series of guided meditations by Mark Williams (an expert on Mindfulness). Last time I checked, you can access some of those online free of charge, as well as audio and video of other mindfulness guided meditations.

“…and trusting my own judgement“- distrusting your own judgment/ evaluation of people and situations leads to overthinking, ongoing self-doubt.. and that causes emotional distress (that needs to be regulated). If you trusted your own judgment, there’d be way less distress in your life.

“I felt from at least the age of four that my parents were not capable of keeping me safe anymore because I could see them fearing for their own safety with how destructive my brother was getting“- one reason why some autistic children/ people get violent is because of oversensitivity to noise. Regular noise, like running water, sounds too loud for them and they get very distressed. Not able to express it and ask for the noise to stop (your brother can’t talk)- some get violent. You shared earlier that your parents had loud parties at home, I wonder if this had something to do with your brother’s destructive acts. (I hope that this topic is attended to in the group home where he currently resides).

“When I am ‘adopted’ by people who don’t struggle with these same things, life feels lighter and I get to escape my reality. But as you shared about your own experiences, I’m also met with immense guilt for getting to enjoy this peace without my family. I fear that bettering myself will only ever be met with this guilt“-

– I remember too well how wonderfully light I felt when I finally left my mother by flying, at the age of 24, across the world to live far, far away from her. I ended up in New York City at Christmas time. It was magically joyful.  But then guilt settled in: I felt guilty for experiencing this magic without my mother, so I arranged for her to fly to New York City. When she arrived- and indeed enjoyed the city- all that magic was gone for me and I was back to being heavy with immense guilt, because being in her company meant feeling even more guilty than away from her.

* It might be different somewhat from your experience with your mother, in that my mother did not only wallow in self-pity, she also took me on very long, elaborate guilt trips with a heavy dose of shaming.

“I truly feel for you as you say you’ve struggled with this too. I hope that you’re able to find moments of joy for yourself“- thank you. As far as the guilt now- finally, I don’t feel guilty about my mother. It took a long time and it took (going back to the topic above) trusting my own judgment. I used to believe that I was the cause, or a major cause of my mother’s misery (she told me so). I used to believe that what she told me was true. So, on one hand I believed her, and on the other hand, part of me knew it wasn’t true, therefore a cognitive conflict was in play, and -doubt was ongoing. Self-doubting, one is stuck.

* When your mother wallows.. what does she say, I wonder. Does she go on for long.. is she aware at all or shows any concern over how her wallowing is affecting you..?

“I worry that in the FaceTime breakup call, me saying ‘moving in’ and ‘possibly marriage one day’ completely gave him the wrong idea and he ran for good“-I am very familiar with worrying that any word I say, or a word I failed to say, had or could have disastrous consequences. Strange how on one hand, I felt very powerless, but on the other hand, I felt very powerful, in that what I said (or the expression on my face, or this or that minor gesture) led or could lead to disaster.

Lots of self-doubt: I didn’t trust myself to be spontaneous in fear of the alleged destructive power of my words and expressions.

“I tried to tell him that his skills are in different areas than his family and that he should be proud of his unique talents. He scoffed. It frustrated me that he never seemed to absorb any of my compliments or support“- I am guessing that he tried hard, many times, to be as good as his siblings as far as studying goes, but he failed. Following enough failures, he gave up and found some peace-of-mind in believing that he can’t be as successful as his siblings, and he doesn’t want that bit of peace-of-mind on the matter to be disturbed by your encouragement and support.

“My family definitely couldn’t afford senior care. However, my mom, sister, and I have all worked in a nursing home before and we’ve seen horrors so I’d feel a lot of guilt to send my mom there“- I was just wondering: since your mother needs so much care and support, can she at least stop wallowing in self-pity so that you and your sister feel a bit better while helping her?

“I think it was more so the illusion by proxy of feeling like I can have room to be hopeful and not feel constantly helpless“- if indeed your mother is still in the habit of wallowing in self-pity, the least she can do is to stop this behavior so that you don’t feel constantly helpless and have room to be hopeful when you try to help her.

“I had hoped he and I could build a life together, to save up for trips and such as a team“- from what you shared, I understand that he spends most of his time- when not working- not socializing, but playing computer games, which is an activity one does alone. Not much of a promise in regard to team work, is it?

“You’re probably right – he wasn’t deeply thinking about anything. He messaged me last night after almost three full days of leaving me on read… He sent me photos of his cat in a similar bat wing cat harness…  I was completely confused“- you are looking for logic where there is none. I am guessing that he didn’t even notice that it was three full days that he didn’t message you. You counted the days, maybe the hours: he did not. So, there is no reason why he didn’t message you for three days other than that it didn’t occur to him to message you. He was occupied by other thoughts, maybe gaming, mostly. And then, he sent you the photo of his cat because right before he did, it occurred to him to send it, thinking something like: Stacy would like this photo. So he sent it.

anita

* Please ignore what follows the closing of my post (I pasted your previous writings into my reply and forgot to delete it before submitting).

Dear Ben:

“I think the hardest is not knowing how he is feeling, or felt at all. Is he doing this because, at the very end, he actually hadn’t really loved me? Or he doesn’t anymore? I worry that if he is acting like this now, maybe he didn’t really care at all and is something of a charlatan. I don’t think 100% that he is, but it’s a doubt that plagues my mind… I worry he is only talking to me out of pity. I worry he feels obligated to talk to me out of that sense of pity. Or even out of guilt“-

-it’s like you can’t believe that you were genuinely desired and wanted for the person that you are; as if you find it believable that he was deceptive (a charlatan) or that he pitied you or that he felt guilty and obligated, but you don’t find it believable that he .. truly, genuinely enjoyed your company because of who you are, for what you expressed to him.

I had to go back to your first thread to look again at the origin of you not believing that you can be loved, and I found it in your Oct 31, 2018, almost five years ago. NOTE: re-reading what you shared back then may be upsetting to you and not something you want to read right now, so please take your time and read the following only if you are able and willing:

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Here is what you shared about your father on Oct 31, 2018: “I was never recognized as a man by him, just as a sort of… idk… mistake…  I had not ‘unlearned’ or left dormant for long enough those shaming pathways that are so strong”–

– five years later, I say: you are lovable, you are worthy of love. You are precious. I know these things as a result of our communication then and now. My words coming to you from the computer screen cannot reach deep enough to undo those shaming pathways. But I know from my very personal experience, that it is possible to undo a huge part of those shaming pathways. I didn’t know it was possible until- and it wasn’t long ago- I FELT differently, I felt like everyone else, a NEW feeling (I am typing now whatever comes to my mind in effort to explain this): I felt like other people around me, not LESS, not strangely different/ irreversibly damaged and faulty. I wish I felt like this when I was younger, as in your age… What an amazing experience it was, what a different quality of life-experience.

Continued quote from above: “I don’t love myself … Dad.. hmm for sure, I want justice. I know I want it, but I sort of shy away from actually getting it. I remember when I was 17 I shouted at him for at least an hour about all the pain he had caused me..  I was drunk after a party…  indeed every time, he sort of turns it back towards me… I still create arguments in my head with him.. but, a part of me goes.. please, can we just leave this alone and move on with life?… I notice I’m frustrated all the time and shout at other people.. innocent people on the bus for example.. well, not shouting, aloud… I get angry and call them names in my head. But, this is exhausting, I want to love the world I live in and this negative energy is draining“-

-to love yourself, don’t shy away from seeking the little justice that you can exact for yourself. Your anger at him has always been valid, and valid anger calls for some kind of action. What action is right and just, practical (and legal), tailored to your situation-  I don’t know. But some justice needs to take place. And then, you can move on with life, free from shame and from this negative energy.

Back to your most recent post and to the guy we’ve been discussing: “I think the hardest is not knowing how he is feeling, or felt at all… he doesn’t really care if he loses me, which makes me despair somewhat“- if you were free from shame and believed that you are lovable, regardless of how he is feeling, you would feel sad for a while, but you wouldn’t despair.

Regarding my suggested message, you wrote: “I think I have sent him ‘words to that effect’, but not now after some time has passed. I did say at one point that I was feeling all sorts of emotions and he said ‘oh dear’ and nothing else… which didn’t help at all. But maybe now if I write something like that, I will receive some sort of honest response.“- if you do send him a message like the one I suggested, making it your own, using the words that are most true to you: copy the message, if you will, and his response- if any, so to share with me (if you feel comfortable doing so, of course). It will be very telling.

But you will need to feel strong enough to endure a less than desirable response, to be open to whatever comes from him.

“I worry too I have misinterpreted and actually I really should act like it is gone forever. That he doesn’t love me at all anymore, or have any feelings at all. Or is that the anxious attachment?“- (1) in a practical sense, if his love is gone forever, sending him a message like the one I suggested, will not cause him to lose love that is already..  gone forever. (2) Of course it’s anxious attachment on your part. Yes.

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are very welcome and thank you for respecting my request, and going about it so graciously:  I appreciate you for it!

“So you’re saying that because I felt validation, refuge, acceptance, etc. in him and his family that it made me feel safe to finally resume my growth that was stunted in me?“-

– yes, enough so that you felt like a sexy woman and not like a 12-year old (“When I have sex with men, I feel like a 12 year old“=> “made me finally feel like a woman…  actually sexy”). 

Feeling validated, accepted, safe.. is HUGE. And yes, if you felt that way as a child growing up, your life would have been so much better for it. A 1- year romantic relationship breakup wouldn’t have been Extremely painful (the title of your thread), and clarity, not confusion would have been your ongoing state of mind.

“I also think the attention I got from a guy who usually only went for the conventionally attractive ‘popular’ girls stroked my ego. I was bullied all through school by the popular jock types and the cheerleaders. I wanted to be accepted by them“-

– I didn’t know that you were bullied in school, and all through school by the kinds of girls that he normally went for. I now understand better what it meant to you, to be chosen over the kind of girls who bullied you.

And I understand better why (1) it hurt your feelings so much that he was liking photos of the jock-type girls who bullied you, and (2) his association with the Tik Tok star hurt and bothered you as much as it did. You wanted/ needed him to keep choosing you.

“Interesting though that he was not your stereotypical player, he’s a self-proclaimed beta nerd and that’s another reason why it’s hard to accept he could really be just like all the other toxically alpha men out there“-

-beta nerd, online: “Someone who lacks the masculinity of an alpha male. They are unconfrontational and are unable to assert male dominance”- this fits, by the way, with his sexual fantasy of being shamed by a woman. I am guessing- and it is only a theoretical possibility about how this fantasy came about- that let’s say that when he was a child, his mother asserted her dominance over him in ways that shamed him as a little person and as a male. But she also expressed affection for him: both shame and love. Fast forward, shame and love are connected in his mind, and for him to feel (particularly) loved, he also needs to feel shamed.

I suppose him proclaiming to be a beta nerd made you feel safer with him, in that as someone with a lesser masculinity, he would not pursue the kind of girls that bullied you.

“I know this relationship was also a form of escapism because as soon as I come home from my job, I see my mom sitting on the couch all day long in pain and self-wallowing, and the septic tank repair bill or some other stressful and real life issue constantly plaguing us that I have to take responsibility for or emotionally support her over. I don’t feel like I get to have my own adult life or sense of identity outside of her and these issues so perhaps dating this guy also gave me a sense of MY OWN LIFE. I’ve never moved out of the house or had my own separate life outside of her“-

-this is very valuable information to my understanding of you and the relationship. He meant ANOTHER KIND OF LIFE for you, YOUR OWN. Clearly, you need to move out and leave the-story-of-your-childhood (a story you didn’t choose; a story you were born into) behind, so that you can author your own story, and live your own  life.

My mother self-wallowed a lot when I was growing up (I prefer to say growing-in, instead of growing-up because I/ my identity did not grow, but shrank) and way into my adulthood. Her expressed misery kept me locked in misery (her misery=> my misery). I felt angry at her and guilty, all at the same time; wanting to leave but feeling too guilty to leave her/ live my own life. I was stuck in emotional torture.

“No wonder I’m mourning so many losses with him. It seems like money issues and repairs constantly keep us stuck in a hole and the thought of just a day trip somewhere for fun is unimaginable for my family. Meanwhile, his parents were just on a 3 week trip to Italy“- I was wondering as I read this if you were hoping that a rich guy will provide the money to take care of your mother and free you from that burden? That used to be my hope and dream growing-in.

“Sadly, my mom is already heading towards 70 in a few months and I fear more than anything that by the time I’ll be finally able to move out, she’s gonna need me more than ever. I don’t want to abandon her when her health goes seriously downhill. I could never live with myself if something happened to her without me being there for her. I know I have to live my own life, but the guilt I’d feel from that would be horrific“-

– I read this part after writing the above (this is how I normally reply: reading one sentence/ a few, responding and then reading what’s next), and here it is: GUILT. I know guilt. I used to think- I was either a teenager or a very young 20s- I used to think: if I could live ONE DAY without guilt, my life would be worth living. What a torment guilt is!

“I had found common ground with my ex over this too, as his parents were in their 70’s as well and he understood my concerns. He felt the same sense of responsibility to his parents“- they can afford a live-in caretaker, or a nice residential care facility, right?  No such thing is available or possible for your mother (a nursing home, or in-home care, financed by the state perhaps)?

“Your point about me looking much more into things than him is also probably what happened. I know on most subjects that was our dynamic and we’d even joke about it. I saw a lot of emotional availability and intentionality from him at the beginning into a few months of dating. I genuinely thought I felt his passion for me for awhile so I hope I wasn’t imagining that“- I feel certain that there really was a passion on his part, a passion for you, and that his passion fueled your hopes for the relationship. But I suppose you thought that this passion of his would translate into real-life circumstances changes (moving in together, etc.), which it did not. What a disappointment..

“It hurts to think he never saw a future with me or any sort of commitment from the start, and rather he treated us as a guinea pig first relationship project. That makes it feel like EVERYTHING was a lie or wasn’t genuine for him… I don’t know what his motives were. If he didn’t mean to do any of this harm, that’s one thing. If it was intentional and careless and he just used me as a rebound, that’s another.“-

– my understanding: he is not together-enough, not capable of forming an intent/ a goal in the context of a romantic relationship, and in other contexts I imagine (the reason he is the only person in his immediate family to not have a college degree/ a Master at the least?), and then planning a long-term strategy to accomplish the goal. Therefore, I don’t think that he had the goal of going about the relationship as a guinea pig project.

I don’t think that he pretended to have passion for you (It takes patience and persistence to pretend for long, which is not congruent with his ADHD condition), and I don’t think that he used you as a rebound.

anita

Dear Ben:

I will reply further tomorrow morning (it is Mon evening here). But for now, about how to interpret his words, the emoji, the frequency of contact, etc.: I am guessing that there is no particular intent on this part and then going about it in a strategic way (no deceit, no fraud, like what was suggested to you). He has been experiencing a CONFLICT in regard to his feelings and relationship with you vs his relationship with the man for whom he has a complex mix of feelings, a man who financially supports him, and he hasn’t fully resolved this conflict.

So he is here now, there later, neither here nor there at this or that time, distracting himself or being distracted and putting the conflict out of his mind when he can. I am guessing.

anita

Dear Searching:

“I am more of an introvert and usually veer towards having a few close relationships rather than many… I’m am probably old fashioned (hesitant about apps ) and would rather meet someone organically.. and my workplace is not the kind where I get to meet new people“-

– if it’s difficult for you, as an introvert, to socialize in the context of large gatherings of people, and you don’t have  opportunities to meet one small number of new people at a time, then maybe online dating can work for you if you work it.. in an old fashioned way. You can choose the app that fits you better than other apps, present yourself in a way that suits your old fashioned ways, and interact with people in ways that feel right to you. Does this make any sense to you?

anita