Dear Caroline:

I was introduced to the topic of the inner child by John Bradshaw in his book: Homecoming: reclaiming and championing your inner child. Can you download it, or find excerpts from the book and read. Or listen to an audio of the book, and then get back to me and tell me your thoughts about it?

You are not sure that the employers are trying to use you, right? Can there be another explanation as to why you are given more work than other people (other people doing the same type work as you and getting paid the same.. or more)?

I feel sad that you are so unhappy with the late hours and I wonder if you get enough rest and sleep…?

anita

Dear Stacy:

Good to read back from you! Lately, you’ve been driving your car, working 6-7 days a week so to pay for the $800 car repair bill (and the expected medical appointment bill next month). Your eating problem has been flaring up badly, making you anxious. You are still in no-contact with the guy but you follow his social media activity and read about his attachment style. The breakup is still painful and getting even more painful, and your stress level is high.

In regard to “(I) agree with what you said about no man/person being able to help me“- what I said was that no man “could have possibly given me what I needed… There was simply TOO MUCH that I was missing: a sense of self-esteem”, etc. People could have helped me, but they couldn’t have given me what I needed.

“I was determined to finally speak EVERY SINGLE feeling and concern … All this breakup has shown me was that speaking my needs gets me dumped… I am too much“- you need more than any man can give you, but you believe that he was able, if he chose to, to give you what you need, and that he is still able to. This is why you told him your every feeling and concern, similar to telling a doctor one’s every medical symptom because one believes that the doctor is able to treat the symptoms successfully.

And this is why, post breakup, you still follow him on social media, and why you’ve been reading about his attachment style, trying to understand him better, so to .. somehow bring him back to your life and give you what you need.

“It’s really hard to be hopeful that one day I will conquer any pent up trauma stored in my body if I just keep re-doing this daily. Kind of like what we talked about a month or two ago..  how the body can only handle so many cortisol spikes….my pain and grief about this has only been increasing with time.. ” I think it’s really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices… I think it’s really admirable that you have finally gotten to a place where you have that balance now and feel safe with yourself and choices”-

– It’s not that I feel safe, it’s that I feel more courage than I ever did before. I want to paste here a poem about fear and courage that I found online recently:

“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.

It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we can’t achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.

We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.

We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, we’ve got enough.

We must break free from fear’s grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.

We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, we’ll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.

So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.

So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here”.

Stacy, (using the words in the poem): may you discover the bold power in your heart; may you stand tall with courage so rare and light up the place; may you grow stronger, take a step forward, then two, and rise above, with determination. You have enough.

Show the world that you are here.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I read your wish that I sleep well last (Sun) night and although I was too awake for some of the night, eventually I slept well. Thank you! I am impressed that you found the time to reply yesterday, being that you were busy with obligations in regard to the Shakespearean play you are part of. Plus, I don’t expect you to reply on weekends.

“(F) offers to pay for N’s ticket to come on family trips and he even lets us have our own room and space. It seems like he encourages the relationship“- he is encouraging and supporting the relationship big time.

“I fear making decisions out of what my dad wants, because it got me nowhere for so long and prevented me from actually discovering what I wanted and who I was. So when my dad supports the decision I think It makes me wonder why I want it, is it because I am still being controlled. by him? Or do I trust my own pull towards N“-

– you don’t know then if your pull towards N is about your need to please F (being controlled by this need) OR it is a pull that is free from this need.

“We spent Saturday together this week and I actually spoke with him about this caged girl, I told him what the cage’s requirements were and how it held me from being truly feminine and curvy, and sensitive…. he followed it by saying ‘Do what you need to do baby, I trust your feelings‘”- no evidence yet that he prefers the girl in the box.

“After finally getting a whole day alone yesterday I feel more supported by him… I think he does encourage me to leave that cage, but I think I am very afraid of coming out of the cage and not being accepted by him… Just as the uncaged girl was not accepted by F and put into the cage by him. It is like hatchling is coming out, and afraid another man will throw her back in. If I get the slightest sense of N doing this, a whole alarm system goes on in my nervous system”-

– make a commitment to hatchling that you will be there for her every step of the way as she leaves the box, tell her that you will not put her back in the cage no matter what N or anyone does.

” do I trust my own pull towards N“?- hatchling needs to trust Seaturtle. This is why it is necessary that you make hatchling a PROMISE: to take her hand and walk her through leaving the box and moving away from the box step by step, staying away from it forevermore, no matter what anyone says or does.

anita

Dear Nick:

You are welcome.  “I get emotional but I have no reason to be crass or vulgar” I like the way you put it. I wish lots of people would NOT get crass or vulgar when they get emotional. Unfortunately, too often, the two go together.

“She has played the victim a lot.  So it’s probably an easy part to play“- People who play victim find it easy to victimize someone else, and they feel morally justified in doing so.

“It’s nice to have someone else’s perspective“- anytime you want my perspective, you are welcome to it!

anita

Dear Tim:

You are welcome.

“I’m still afraid of..”- here is a poem I found online. I like it. Maybe you will too. it’s called Defying the Fear:

“Fear creeps in like a thief in the night,
Stealing our courage and giving us fright,
But we must not let it take control,
For in our hearts lies a power so bold.

It whispers in our ear, trying to deceive,
Telling us we are weak, that we can’t achieve,
But we must not listen to its lies,
For within us, a fire burns bright.

We must stand tall and face the fear,
With a courage that is so rare,
For when we defy it, we grow stronger,
And our fears become a thing no longer.

We must take a step forward, then two,
And walk towards the unknown,
For the journey ahead may be tough,
But with determination, we’ve got enough.
<p data-slot-rendered-content=”true”>We must break free from fear’s grip,
And not let it hold us down with its whip,
For we are brave, we are strong,
And we have the power to carry on.</p>
We must embrace the challenges ahead,
And not let fear fill us with dread,
For when we overcome it, we’ll be proud,
And our courage will shout out loud.

So let us all rise above the fear,
And show the world what we hold dear,
For we are not defined by what we fear,
But by the bravery that we hold near.

So let us all stand tall, with grace,
And let our courage light up the place,
For we have the power to defy the fear,
And show the world that we are here.”

Dear Nick:

You are very welcome.

And thank you (!!!) for your military service! Yesterday, the day you started your thread, was the Marine Corp Birthday (248), and today, as I reply to you, is Veteran Day 11-11-2023. First year it was celebrated was 1951 (I just checked).

Now, to what you shared yesterday more in great detail (I am adding the boldface feature to the quotes below):

“Well me and my girlfriend had a great dynamic in our 6 month relationship”- except for the dynamic where you were repeatedly more of a Suspect than a Boyfriend, according to her behavior; a dynamic where she asserted a (non-existing) moral superiority over you.. and you accepted it.

“She went through my phone. Saw I had not deleted some dating sites from like years ago. She compared me to her ex’s and said she never had issues with them deleting there dating stuff as soon as we were official. I apologized and I thought I took care of it. But“-

–  she was in charge, the one in control.. the moral police, so to speak. She says it’s morally wrong to have any dating sites record of years ago on your phone, once you are in a committed relationship and.. so it is; no one ever gave her any issues in regard to this rule.. and neither should you (is her message). You accepted her non-existing moral superiority and apologized.

But wait.. is it moral for her to go through your phone.. is this moral behavior?

“A few months after the first time she went through my stuff she found some other sites. Again I apologized“- the moral police in repeat operation, asserting yet again her alleged moral superiority over you and you, again, submitting by apologizing. The dynamic: she accuses, you apologize.

“The third time she found some stuff in my social on my Gmail.  I had no idea about that folder but she didn’t believe me. She also made a point to go through my browser history and there were some things she didn’t like there. So that is what ended our relationship”- she found some stuff because she looked for some stuff against the alleged Suspect.

But why were you in the position of Suspect.. and why is it that you did not have the password to her accounts, looking for any years-ago dating site activity on her part…?

“We were talking like on and off again for a few weeks.  She did the unfriend me on Facebook and snap chat and refriend me then unfriend me”- not what a friend would do…

“Our last conversation was a week prior to the last few things I sent. I had been doing a lot of thinking for weeks over the whole phone stuff. Had a bad day at work… I sent like three text on the same day. This was one of them. ‘Well, if we never talk or see each other again. You take care. I will remember the past 6 months for a while. Waking up in bed next to you. The smile on your face…. But most of all I will remember being betrayed by my best friend and lover over stuff I had subscribed to over the course of being in the military for 15 years. Being back in Wisconsin and not dating anyone for 8 years. I gave you my all, and apparently, that was not enough“- you gave her all your love but she wanted to punish you for sins you did not commit. There is nothing abusive about this part of your text quoted here.

“I also sent her a text thanking her for blocking me so I don’t have to see what loser she dates next“- not abusive either on your part: you really were the loser in the relationship with her and she is very likely to do the same to the next guy she dates.

“As well as the Jelly roll song ‘Somebody Save Me‘ and said that was for her… and added.  That song suits you” -I looked it up the lyrics to the song:

“I unloaded on her and I regret doing that.  With all my heart. Now I can’t even apologize I am blocked on all fronts.  And she probably will never speak to me again.  She also filed a formal hr complaint which I can’t blame her”- I didn’t yet read of any abusive words or behaviors on your part. I assume there are offensive things you said or did that you didn’t share about, and that’s okay.

I hurt people who did not at all deserve it and I regret it. The guilt for hurting people who did nothing to me has been very heavy in me. Living with Guilt (in capital G, it started as an invalid guilt which my mother established inside me as a child, repeatedly accusing me of things I was NOT guilty of) has been, for me,  (using the song’s lyrics) “living in Hell“. I didn’t feel that I, a bad, Guilty person, deserved to pursue “my hopes and my dreams“. Eventually I figured out that we all live in a world that is so troubled and has been troubled for so long, that we are all broken and damaged, and we all pass or have passed on the damage to the next generation and to other people around us, in one way, be it in a relatively mild way or in severe ways.. not all forgivable. I figured that my wrong doings are not in the category of unforgivable, not if I do all that I can in the present and for the rest of my life to do right by other people.

anita