Dear Positivitea:

You are welcome. Whenever you make a mistake, remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, correct what you need to correct, and let go of guilt,  don’t allow it to linger. Switch to empathy for the person who is trying so hard and is doing her best (you!)

anita

Dear Caroline:

A good mother would want and encourage her daughter to become capable and reasonably-powerful in life. I am sorry, Caroline, that your mother- like mine and so many others’- belongs to the bad-mother club.

“Last week she asked me whether I work for American managers. I said yes, those are my managers. I saw something weird in her eyes.. admire perhaps, but different, mixed with.. envy, I think. Immediately she changed subject like she got scared of her own thoughts or.. getting deeper into the subject. But I don’t understand. She would like to brag about my success, money etc. in front of other people. But she’s afraid of it somehow“- Best I can figure is that (1) she likes to brag about herself (as a mother, in this case) for producing a professionally/ monetarily successful daughter. Her bragging is not about her appreciating you. It is about seeking the appreciation of the people she is bragging to, wanting them to think highly of her.

(2) What you saw in her eyes is impossible for me to know, of course Maybe she was thinking something like: I wish I could work for American managers (having images in her mind of herself working for American managers, maybe images taken from a movie or a television program), followed by her thinking something like: but I am too old/ unqualified to work for American managers, followed by: Caroline is young and qualified, followed by envy, followed by… some thought that scared her..

When angry at you in the past, or still: what does she say or do to you?

anita

Dear Stacy:

You are welcome.

“I don’t understand how someone seemingly so committed for months can just lose feelings so easily“-

You wrote in your original post: “We were in a long distance relationship the entirety of this relationship…Over the span of this almost 12 month relationship, we only were able to meet about 1-2 (sometimes 3) times per month“- his commitment was not tested in the context of a short-distance relationship or in the context of seeing each other daily, or living together.

“We texted daily and I did have an issue with his lack of communication in between visits“- his commitment was lacking in the context of a long-distance relationship.

“I don’t understand how…  someone could enjoy a relationship with someone they never even planned on staying with, yet they discussed vasectomy plans with“- I don’t know what he was feeling and what his intention was, if any, when he talked about vasectomy with you, but I do know that it is easy to TALK, it takes very little energy to utter words, and lots of people like to utter words, that is, to talk. So they talk.

He is a gamer: think about how much is “happening” within the game while all he has to do is to move his fingers or such, right? If he was actually in the game, if the game was real, not much would be happening because he wouldn’t have the energy to do in real-life what is so easy to do when gaming.

“The only rationalization my brain can understand is that he would become committed for the ‘right’ woman who gives him ‘tough love.’“- (1) you have been assuming that his brain is the same or very similar to your brain. But it isn’t. It is very different in that, for one, he suffers from ADHD and details, or minute nuances of things escape him, while those loom big in your brain. He easily distracts himself from things; you overthink things. (2) a different woman is not going to change the workings of his brain. There is no right woman who can right the less than pristine workings of his brain.

“I appreciate you for offering me alternative rationalizations for his behavior. I hope to get to where I can truly shut out my negative self-talk and blame“-negative self-talk and self-blame is fueling your overthinking. You keep thinking that it’s your fault that this man (a 31-year-old man who lives with his parents and who never had a committed or a long-term relationship, and who spends most of his free time alone, gaming and liking girls on social media) is not in a committed, long-term relationship with you.

“I should probably go no contact for now even though I know that if I do this, I will most likely never hear from him again. I don’t want to ghost him, but I don’t know how to tell him that I need a pause from him without feeling more pathetic“- you can ask him: how do you feel about going no contact with me? I am asking because I am considering it. His response, or lack of, will give you some information that may help you in deciding whether to go no-contact or not. Will that make you feel pathetic?

“My brother… is in very good hands currently where they take his health seriously and I am VERY grateful to his caretakers. We visit him often so that’s really nice“- good thing, that he is in very good hands!

“Your NYC story resonated so much with me. I’ve tried to make my own experiences on my own. And then as soon as I try to include my family, they stress out… we get frustrated with each other. I can’t seem to enjoy or recreate the experiences I had… and I can’t enjoy the experiences without them“- exactly my experience. Soon after my mother left NYC and returned to her country, I left it too (to another state) because I was so depressed. Later, when I visited NYC again, the magic was totally gone. It was like another place, unrecognizable,  empty from all that I felt there before.

“Your experience gives me some hope that I can work my way through this ongoing problem. I’ve been aware of it since I was in therapy… No more relationships and life experiences where I feel inherently unworthy and guilty would be great“- it would be great!

“My mom frequently expresses how money is her only solution to happiness“- is she suggesting that you  should find a way to give her the money that she needs, enough of it to make her happy? My mother expressed something similar, and repeatedly. I felt that I was failing her by not providing her with the money and material luxury that she wanted. (I tried..).

“I try to tell her that she needs to find hobbies that bring her joy and meaning to her life. She gets offended and tells me that all of her hobbies require money or her health, and that all of the constant repairs and debt she has keeps her trapped“- (1) you try to help her because you care about her, and she gets offended. A loving mother would have appreciated your caring. (2) a life with her loving daughters is.. a trap, in her experience.

“I don’t want to accept that my mom is right about money because if she is right, I can’t be mad at her for doing nothing to help herself“- you can be mad at her for appreciating money so much, but not appreciating you and your love and care for her. Seems to me that what she wants is money (and understandably health), but what she needs is.. a heart.

“I feel like I can’t tell her to stop complaining to me because she’s getting old“- I read somewhere that women start to age at 25.. so you’ve been getting old in the last six years. How much older should you get before you matter too, before are too old for her selfish complaining?

“and I don’t want to cause her any more distress than I already do. Weeks before my breakup, I was having the worst financial and health related month (July) and my health anxiety was obsessive (still is). She went off on me and said I was insufferable to live with“- (1) the chicken and the egg analogy: what came first was your mother making you suffer with her selfish complaining and lack of caring about your feelings. What came second is your distress. (2) your mother is okay complaining to you, venting her distress, but she is not okay about you doing what she is doing… not fair. (3) if you are insufferable to live with, in your mother’s experience, do your mother the favor and move out.

“My sister agreed and said I was negatively affecting our mom’s health“- again, the chicken and the egg analogy: first, it is your mother who has been, and for a long, long time, negatively affecting your health. Second (and not intentionally on your part): what goes around, comes around.

“I know I need professional help with my health anxiety. I cannot afford it, and this only reinforces my fears of  what my mom says about money“- if you had effective quality, effective professional help, you would realize that you need to move out and not live with your mother and sister. How do you feel now, without that quality therapy experience about leaving them?

anita

Dear Tee:

You are very kind, thank you!

“Well over the course of that 5 year relationship I learned I needed to be more forgiving but still firm on what I was looking for… assertive“- a perfect combination: more forgiving and firm/ assertive, as in not one or another, or one at the expense of the other.

“I was always expecting something, something to change but I missed the moments of reality“- you wrote this in regard to your adult relationship, but I am thinking that this has been true to the girl that you were when growing up: “I..  stayed in my own world“, “I kind of repressed a lot of memories to be honest and it is a bit hazy… I didn’t know it was affecting me or how I really felt about” (Aug 4, 2020).

This is how I too experienced my childhood: repressed memories (I have very few memories of it), hazy, in my own world- daydreaming a lot, and like you, I too studied very hard. It happens to a child when growing up in an ongoing distressing situation: the child closes-in, dissociates, pays the least attention to what is happening (missing the moments of reality) so to lower the distress. These are not conscious, individual choices: nature/physiology  chooses this for us.

Similarly to you, I grew up in a 1-bedroom apartment, a small 1-bedroom (with my mother and a younger sister). Before their divorce, my parents too fought. But I remember only one such incident: loud voices, glass breaking perhaps, suicide threats, etc. I remember looking through a little hole in the makeshift-door that created a separate tiny second room, scared.

“I loved with blind eyes until the 3rd time I left“- living as a child with blind eyes, as much as possible, so to not see the distressing, ongoing events=> living adulthood and loving with blind eyes

“The 3rd time I left I chose me, I prioritized me in what I wanted and needed‘- firm, assertive!

“I think I was trying to mold myself too, to fit him and force a happy relationship“- an ongoing childhood adjustment that you made growing up: “I did as I was told... I studied hard and did not question much since I didn’t want to give them another reason to argue“, April 4, 2020)

“It’s been 1.5 years since I spoke to him and over that time I almost went into a mourning phase because I realized we just weren’t right for each other no matter how hard we tried“-

– this makes me think of the child that I was: my mother and I, we just weren’t right for each other, no matter how hard I tried. But a child does not have the option to leave a bad relationship.. with one’s mother.

“I was also resentful, for him not loving me the way I loved him“- this is my childhood experience, in regard to my mother: unrequited love. It is your experience too, with your father, isn’t it, an experience you projected into your then boyfriend : “my dad and my current partner have very similar personalities. Maybe, I subconsciously looked for that to try and fix it, the ‘un-required love?‘” (April 2020)

“I think before I just couldn’t shake the feeling that we were meant to be but that was childish“- a child feels that she was meant to be with her parents. Fast forward, this feeling is projected to a romantic partner.

“It was just an attachment to familiarity is what I was experiencing. The feeling of lack of emotion, distance, separation anxieties, and quality time. All what I experienced growing up“- it was not only the lack in your childhood that you re-experienced with your then boyfriend, but also the HOPE that this lack will change (“I was always expecting something, something to change“, yesterday’s post).

“I am still super single and I am just having fun by myself with my two cats. Occasionally I go out with some friends to keep up the human interactions. I am doing things alone that I never thought I’d do before. I am trying and learning to be happy with my own company. That’s me so far. Much love, Tee“- much love back to you, Tee, and congratulations, again, for making a super single, fun life happen for you! I will be glad to read more from you anytime you feel like sharing!

anita

Dear Neha:

You are welcome.

“I haven’t told him how it’s been making me feel because I don’t want to put additional stress on him“- it is loving of you to not want to put additional stress on him, but you have to love yourself too: to address your own heightened stress level and lower it.

You shared today that you grew up poor and with a violent, alcoholic father, which made you want to desperately escape home, and that you developed almost an obsession’ with saving money so that you could escape. I can understand why lending him so much money would be especially distressing to you, being that for you:  saved money = freedom from entrapment in a bad situation.

“I love him and he’s perfect in every other way.. I know I won’t find a love like this again and a partner who deeply loves/accepts me like this” – will he not deeply love you and accept you if he knew how you feel about the money he borrowed from you?

“Money comes and goes but real love is hard to find“- but for you, when money goes, especially when it is unnecessary for it to go, it is a very distressing situation.

“ We are planning to get engaged next year. I’m just hoping the money part will solve itself by then” -seems like he is comfortable borrowing money from you and is not at all desperate to repay you. What if this becomes a marital pattern that he quits jobs and uses the money that you save? Notice: you are already feeling annoyed (meaning, slightly angry) about the topic (“I feel triggered and annoyed when you ask me for money“); anger will not disappear once you are married, not if the problem behind your anger continues.

“I haven’t told him how it’s been making me feel because… I don’t know how to address that topic“- you can say, or give it to him typed on a paper, the following (the italicized are your own words in your original post, with pronouns edited):

(name), I love you so much and I care a lot about how you feel. I know that you care about how I feel too, so I want to tell you how I feel about the $6,000 I loaned you: it makes me feel very anxious about the future. Things are so expensive and I feel a lot of pressure on myself now that you are in debt. Many of our friends are getting married now and I fear we will fall behind because you need to pay off your debts. I have always been a little ‘money-crazy’ because of how I grew up (and)  I feel triggered and annoyed when you ask me for money. What do you think or feel about what I just shared with you?

* “He is in credit card debt too so he won’t be able to take out money to pay me back right now“- I meant that he can borrow more using his credit card, if he didn’t maximize his line of credit yet, so to pay you back.

anita

Dear Caroline:

“I have found a book titled ‘Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness’. So I assume this is just a coincidence and you did not recommend this particular one?“- yes, I googled and came across one by Dennis Kerry, and another by Lexie Hay (again, I didn’t read these books, and I am not familiar with the authors). There is also a pdf & worksheets available online on the topic (journey to recovery. com)

“I have to ‘pretend’ to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel.. inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence“- meaning that if you behaved as a capable woman with power to shape circumstances, she would .. break? How..???

“I think I did a lot of calm thinking over past days. It showed me that I always need more time to make a decision, that’s what I learned for the future“- good learning! to apply!

anita

Dear Tee:

Your original post was on April 4, 2020 (age 27 or 28). You shared that you grew up in a small, cramped 1-bedroom apartment with your parents, immigrants from South Asia who worked outside the home and “continuously argued, were always at each other’s throat” when at home. There was no extended family or family friends around.

Your father was “controlling over (your mother’s) whereabouts… always suspicious that she was seeing other men… If she was late just 10-15 minutes coming home from work he would be very angry and call her to see where she was“.

You shared about growing up: “I knew I was sad and wanted to help but didn’t know how“. You stayed out of the way as much as possible so to not give them another reason to argue about, studying hard and living in your own world.  “I remember trying to tell (your mother) to stay strong and maybe fight back if she could“. She wasn’t able to fight back, at least, not effectively, particularly when she got into a terrible accident (you were 15 at the time) and her knee was severely injured for years to come. When that happened, “he (your father)  did not look after her“. You did.

Back in April 2020, you were still living with your parents and in a relationship with a man who did not put enough effort into the relationship and was not supportive enough. You wrote back then: “It’s so funny my dad and my current partner have very similar personalities. Maybe, I subconsciously looked for that to try and fix it, the ‘un-required love?‘”

Fast forward a few years, and today, Sept 12, 2023, at the age of approx. 31, you are finally living far away from your parents, in a different state. You finally left the will-not-commit man you shared about years earlier. “I was trying to be loved in a way that was never going to happen“, you shared today. And for the first time, you closed your post with “Much love“.

“Took me 10 years to realize my parent’s relationship had more of a toll on my mental health than I realized“- I am guessing that this realization didn’t take hold while you were still living with them, and that moving away- and having much needed geographic distance from them- made this realization take hold and stick…?

“I have completely removed myself from that dynamic by being in a different state and I am slowly discovering what parts of me needs more healing. I am living a life that 5 yrs. ago I never thought I’d live and just enjoying my own company. I will soon be entering therapy for reals this time and hope to be a better version of myself.“-

– C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S  for moving out and far away from that cramped apartment with your parents, living independently from them. Now that you are enjoying your own company and about to enter therapy, a brighter future is possible for you.

About being “a better version” of yourself, can you tell me what you mean by it? I will tell you how the term relates to me: today, here in the forums, I am a better version of myself than I was when I communicated with you. As I read my replies to you, I noticed my old version: not empathetic enough, sometimes not at all; judgmental, accusatory sometimes. I apologize to you for my old version. I am sorry, I regret it.

I am glad you returned to your thread and I would very much like to read more from you and share more with you.

anita

Hello, I wonder if I’m remembered but 3 years have went by and 1.5 yrs since I finally left the relationship. I realized this person was never going to propose to me. I was trying to be loved in a way that was never going to happen. I realized in the end I was sure of what I wanted and he was still unsure of what he wanted. I was always solid in my decision to be a wife and have a family but it seems like in the end he wanted to still explore life and other things. Took me 5 years to realize I was in a dead and relationship and 10 years to realize my parent’s relationship had more of a toll on my mental health than I realized. I have completely removed myself from that dynamic by being in a different state and I am slowly discovering what parts of me needs more healing. I am living a life that 5 yrs ago I never thought I’d live and just enjoying my own company. I will soon be entering therapy for reals this time and hope to be a better version of myself. Much love, Tee

jan 4, 2021:

Hello, everyone hope you all had a wonderful new year!

So much has happened to me. Back in April during the time we were talking me and him had a huge fight. Where he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me and figured it’s best to separate. I removed myself from his life only to have him contact me few days later saying that he was just overwhelmed by the emotions I unleashed and he made a mistake. I didn’t blame him at that time considering it was a lot and the way I unloaded my emotions was not fair to him. Ok, so I go back and try to work it out. But, our communication problems did not improve too much and my feelings wasn’t reciprocated enough. I did more reciprocation than him where he just went on with his days. I let go of wanting 2 hours of undivided attention and let him choose how he wanted to communicate. Days went by and a week and he doesn’t show much attention to me. I just wanted a conversation here and there when we don’t see each other. Because of quarantine I would only see him once every week or two weeks so I got lonely I guess. We would say our routine good mornings and good nights and a few exchange of words but that’s about it. It felt like we were strangers/friends when we didn’t see each other. I even pointed that out to him in October and hoped he would do something about it. I soon came to resent him for it, realizing now when I saw him having spontaneous hang outs with his friends when he won’t even initiate a hang out with me. I’m the paranoid one for covid and he knows that but there’s other ways to spend time with someone while still socially distancing. I guess I just wanted him to put a little thought and effort in thinking of ways to spend time with me. Now, I know you’re probably thinking why haven’t you planned anything? I got tired of it, since I’m always planning for every holiday and date. I wanted him to think of something for a change. Maybe, I’m expecting too much from a guy? Fast forward last week of December I figured let me ask him directly what he thinks of our relationship and if he even had a plan to get married. That would be my cue to know if I want to continue the relationship any longer. I asked him if he plans to get married in 4 years or even have a family and he replied; I don’t want to be broke and have a family, I don’t know if I even want a family at this point, there’s a lot of things financially and personally I would like to do before settling down. After hearing that I realized he doesn’t seem to know what he truly wants and do I even wait any longer? I will be 32 in four years and he will be 34 and if I wait any longer than 32 I’m going to have pregnancy complications since at that point woman have a tough time conceiving and healing properly. I graduate with a degree this spring and I feel like I’m ready to prepare to settle down. Him, not so much it seems like so I decided to walk away…..I love him a lot and now I am  heart broken and confused. His reply was not one I was expecting and it broke my trust in his feelings and conviction for me. I feel like a stranger more than ever. Can I feel this way or am I just being dramatic? Well, whatever the case we’re not together anymore and all I’m left with is just a broken heart.