Dear Adrianne:

In this post, I will be thinking as I type, re-reading and responding to much of what you shared starting with your original post:

1st, original post: “One time she told me it bothers her that we talk a lot, meaning she feels like she texts me too much and that she would prefer to spend this time with a boyfriend“- this sentence still puzzles me, and it puzzled me from the moment I read it.

Your response to the above quote (the sentence that follows the above): “I said it was okay for me, I didn’t mind talking to her often“- it reads like your understanding of what she said was that she felt like a burden to you, that she cared about your well-being: not wanting to take too much (time, energy) from you.

My problem in understanding this is why did she say in the same sentence that she would prefer spending this time with a boyfriend?  Not with another, or other girlfriends (so to ease the burden on you), but with a boy friend.

“She kept looking for a boyfriend. She met one and since then she stopped talking to me almost entirely. First she started texting me her photos with him like everyday, those photos were almost identical: them at the restaurant, them at the mountains, close ups of him and her. After two weeks together she started talking about them getting married, kids, having graves together after they die, this sort of things“- it could be that she sent you the photos and talked to you about them getting married etc., because she was (like you suggested as a possibility) that she was jealous of you for being in a relationship while for a long time, she was not.

It is possible (I thought about this yesterday), that since you and her share the same coworker, that there was some gossip going around, and he/ she told her that you said something to the effect of her taking too much of your time/ others’ time because she can’t get a boyfriend. It’s possible that she’s been reacting not to something you said to her, but to something someone else said.. that you said.

It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close, as in a romantic kind of close, and in sending you the photos etc., she was trying to say: I am heterosexual!

Maybe she felt some kind of a romantic attraction to you; maybe she felt that you felt a romantic attraction to her. Maybe both. And it troubled her.. maybe.

“One time I got a surprise package and. it turned out it was a gift from her on my birthday. I was happy and very surprised but when I texted her to thank her she did not respond until next day..“- I am thinking romantic at this point, but of course, I don’t know.

“It feels like I let people too close sometimes and they use me when they are lonely, they have some emotional needs and then when they don’t need me anymore they abandon me. That’s how I feel because It has happened before. Looking at other people’s friendships I noticed that mine are perhaps too close, too intense, talking everyday, being very codependent sometimes and it burns out after.“- this is amazing: when  I typed earlier in this post: “It is also possible that, in her mind, the friendship with you was too close”, it was before I read this paragraph, and although I read it yesterday, I didn’t remember your words “too close“).

From the above quoted paragraph: “It feels like I let people too close sometimes… Looking at other people’s friendships I noticed that mine are perhaps too close, too intense“- I am not suggesting that your friendships carry a romantic or sexual tones, not at all. What I am saying is that for some people, maybe for a lot of people, “too close” and “too intense” connects (in their minds) to romantic and sexual. Maybe that’s what happened in her mind, which would make the sentence that puzzled me, no longer puzzling.

2nd post: “She just stopped communicating. And I’m not talking about prioritizing a partner/not having enough time for friends. Texting someone ‘hi, how are you’ is 15 seconds and sending couple of messages while she is at work, not with her boyfriend, is not something she cannot do“- maybe, in her mind, sending you a message is like cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe sending you a message makes her feel discomfort regarding her romantic/ sexual orientation mix.

3rd Post: “We work home office and We have this online chat for us and our other coworker and we used to shared jokes etc. everyday things, she used to be very active there and now she takes a day or two to respond, sometimes she never does“- if she chats with you, she has to chat with the other coworker; if she chats with the other coworker, she has to chat with you. It’s a group chat.

4th post: “But the way she phrased it, it seemed like she.. resented me. But for what? For needing to talk to me? For having some emotional needs that perhaps I fulfilled by listening her talking about her day?“-

– maybe the emotional needs that perhaps you fulfilled were- in her mind- of the romantic kind. As you can see, I am getting more and more sold on my theory of her same-sex feelings in regard to you. Maybe I am so focused on this theory, at this point, that I don’t see other possibilities, so I’ll try to think of other possibilities.

Here is another possibility: at one point onward, she projected into you someone else, someone from her earlier life, someone she had ongoing conflict with and was angry with.. because you reminded her of that person. It is very common for this to happen and many people suffer because of similar inaccurate projections.

“I know I sometimes talked about my boyfriend, or maybe ‘mentioned’ is a better word, but not in a ‘I’m in a relationship, and you’re not’ kind of way, but more like.. if I was texting her and he asked me to go shopping with him I would text her: “okay we’re going shopping, talk to you later, bye’… We are together 10 years and it’s kind of.. nothing exciting anymore haha, I hope you know what I mean. So it is really surprising to me now thinking that she could envy me or something“-

– I understand the “nothing exciting anymore“, and I understand a person’s needs to connect emotionally with people who are not one’s partner, like your need to connect with the friend your thread is about. I think it’s normal and natural.

“Sending me those photos with him was for sure a bit weird, since a) I never did that with my boyfriend so it wasn’t like our thing to do b) all those photos, as I already said were almost identical. Them sitting in the same position, smiling and hugging… I kept adding the heart emojis and that’s all“- oh, oh, heart emojis? You know that this is connecting to my theory or a romantic interest/ confusion.

“Whenever I mentioned something like ‘omg my boyfriend is getting on my nerves’ or something, she would ignore the topic. Like, did not even ask additional questions. Sometimes I felt like she did not want to touch this topic“- didn’t want to touch the topic of your boyfriend because part of her wanted to be your boyfriend..?

“I am not sure, maybe I am wrong“- ditto: maybe I am wrong (theory).

“maybe it sounds petty and childish but I always added a heart emojis to her dating life stories (I think it’s nice and shows support) but she rarely did. Often it was a ‘thumbs up emoji’ or ‘shocked face’“- the fit between my theory and what you share is getting tighter and tighter: you meant friendly heart emojis; she saw romantic heart emojis, and for that reason, she couldn’t send you heart emojis back..?

“It’s the small things sometimes that we see. Sometimes that isn’t said but it’s shown. Would you agree?“- yes, I agree.

“But the fact that she doesn’t even say hello to us, for weeks, doesn’t respond to silly jokes like she used to in the past, tells me there is something more to it.”– well, the something-more-to-it may be my theory.

I will close this long post with this: you seem to be a caring person, and seems to me that this friendship has been troubled- not because of any wrongdoing on your part- but because of some gossip material that you don’t know about, and/ or because of an inaccurate projection that she has made, and/ or because of a romantic and/ or sexual confusion and conflict on her part, and/ or some other trouble within her. Lots and lots of people are troubled in all kinds of ways.

anita

Dear Bhavana:

You are welcome. I am wondering: did his Christian family know about their son’s 7-year-long relationship with you (being from a Hindu family) for a long time, and approved of it (or at least didn’t disapprove of it) because their son was too young to marry.. then disapproved of the relationship because he is of marriage-age and they want him to be available for a Christian woman?

I also wonder (and of course, you don’t have to answer this or any of my questions) if you and now ex, talked about his family’s possible disapproval of a marriage anytime during the long relationship..?

anita

Dear Shandrea:

You did inspire me, you do inspire me: your inner strength, your resilience, your dedication to your children (both), your self-respect, knowing what’s right and what’s wrong and choosing to do what’s right and.. what I just typed came quickly to me, I typed as quickly as the thought went through my mind.

And thank you for being inspired by me (I am smiling right now because of you)!

anita

You are very welcome, Adrianne, and thank you!

anita

Dear Shandrea:

Thank you for wishing me many good night sleeps!!!

Starting therapy in 2 weeks, that’s exciting: I hope that the therapist will be as good at her (or his) job as you deserve!

anita

Dear Adrianne:

“One time she told me it bothers her that we talk a lot, meaning she feels like she texts me too much and that she would prefer to spend this time with a boyfriend“- she said this before she got into a relationship. Seems like she wanted to distance herself from you while she was single. Almost as if she was angry at you and tried to hurt your feelings, as in saying (paraphrased): I prefer to spend my time with someone else (a boyfriend) than with you!

And once in a relationship, “she started texting me her photos with him like everyday, those photos were almost identical: them at the restaurant, them at the mountains…“- seems like she was trying to make a point to you: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Here he is! Here’s another photo! He is wit me, not you! (…?)

“I got a surprise package and. it turned out it was a gift from her on my birthday… I texted her to thank her etc. and I also said ‘I was very surprised that you sent me gifts considering we barely talk’ and she said ‘yeah, it somehow turned out that way‘”- seems/ feels like her trying, again, to hurt your feelings, to toy with your feelings..?

“I don’t even know if she is that busy working or just doesn’t want to talk to us. But it seems like she just doesn’t want to and doesn’t even need to say hello anymore.“- I think that her behavior is not a result of her having a boyfriend and therefore, having less time for you, but a result of some anger she built up before her relationship..?

anita

Dear Carol:

You shared that you got pregnant, next, “a small, elopement style wedding” was planned,  your wedding dress altered to accommodate the growing belly, but then, 2 weeks before the wedding, you had a miscarriage.

You have let  your aunt know of the wedding schedule, that she needs to arrive at the suite (where preparations for the wedding were to take place) at 9:30 am, but she ignored your schedule and planned to arrive 2 hours later (your daughter told you this). Next, alerted by your daughter, you called your aunt and “her reply was that of course she’ll come, and come earlier if I wanted!“. Next, after she arrived at the suite, she “seemed annoyed, she was quiet and just generally had a ‘face’ on her but never said what was wrong“.

“I’d hoped she’d sit with me, that we’d have a laugh and a joke, she’d do her makeup/hair with me and that I’d have a nice morning spending time with my family. But that never happened. At some point she’d put her makeup on and done her hair in private and each time I caught a glimpse of her she looked annoyed and was quiet.. The wedding car arrived and we set off for church. Suddenly, my aunt was lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely. I was still frustrated that she’d ignored me all morning… She also generously put £500 in a wedding card and is now acting lovely, and kind which leaves me confused. I’m really Interested to know what other people would think about my auntie’s behaviour in the morning and if you’ve any suggestions about what you’d say to my aunt (or not). Thank you for reading.“-

– You are welcome. I read all your posts in previous threads, trying to get clues as to what’s been happening between you and your aunt, and what motivates her. You didn’t share about your aunt/ family in previous threads, but what I learned from the other threads is that you are honest and straightforward, quite assertive,  and very likeable (in my mind). You are clear about what you think, feel and want, telling it like it is: no efforts to hide, to misrepresent people and situations, no efforts to present yourself as better than other people, or as someone who makes no mistakes.. and a genuinely nice person.

Talking about being genuinely nice, your aunt June’s niceness seems less than genuine. For example, your daughter told you how- not nice-  June behaved when she planned to be 2-hours late to the suite. But the moment you called her, she was super nice. Seems like the appearance of nice. Same change from not-nice at the suite to => super nice on the way to the church.

Unlike you, seems to me that June is very unassertive and absolutely not straight forward. Passive-aggressive is more like it. Clearly, she didn’t want to spend quality time with you in the suite. Seems to me that she is angry at you, judgmental of you, at least sometimes, and repeatedly so.

Maybe she is jealous of your ability to be assertive (something she can’t bring herself to be), and she felt like you were bossing her around simply because you asserted yourself with her (examples: “I said don’t put it in the sink, put it in the bath“, “I said please don’t put it there“). People who are unable to assert themselves often get angry and feel that they are being bossed around and/ or taken advantage of when they are not because they can’t say No, and they will not take personal responsibility for this inability.

Maybe she didn’t like your then fiancé (now husband), maybe she disapproved of your involvement with men.. (?)

“I find my auntie difficult, we are close and she sort of acts like a mother to me but at the same time causes me a lot of stress due to alternating between kindness, criticism or indifference. I spoke to her about this after Christmas and explained that the way she doesn’t listen to me/ignores me and is just generally critical of me, leaves me upset. She said she would change“- I am guessing that she said she’d change just so to end an unpleasant conversation. Her kindness may be genuine at times, she may feel genuine affection for you and others, at times (I don’t know), but often her kindness and generosity, seems to me, is an appearance, or for appearances, particularly in public. “lovely again, big smiles, chatty, just lovely”– may very well be an act, one she’s good at.

She can’t bring herself to be like you: honest about what she thinks, feels and wants, straightforward, assertive.. so she keeps her anger inside, it never gets resolved, and it (the anger) finds its own ways to express itself: ignoring you, doing the opposite of what you want done, etc.

In regard to your question about what to say to her, or not to say to her, I will wait for you, if you will, to let me know what seems true and what does not seem true in what I wrote here.

anita

Dear Shandrea:

“I like Honesty… an honest friend with good intentions… I strongly dislike bullying of any kind and manipulation, also I don’t know what to call it when people tolerate people because they are afraid to be alone I don’t want that either“- this is who you are: a strong woman who stands for Honesty, Good Intentions, and Courage (not being afraid to be alone), and against Bullying, Manipulation, and Accepting Abuse (for fear of being alone).

“Without even noticing it I joined the forums to connect, share, and maybe in the future help and inspire“- you have been inspiring me for a long time, Shandrea!

“I’ve been living in survival mode/auto pilot for so long. Everything is so rushed and not enjoyable. What attracted me to this website was the post from real people and the challenges they over came. It gave me hope for my future“- I am glad you are here, and I hope that the survival mode changes to more of a living- enjoying mode.

“Since I’m here to connect , Did you finally get a full night of sleep?“- well, last night I did not lie awake, not for hours, not even for a moment. When I woke up, I felt that I slept enough and that it was probably 7 am or so. But it was 4 am. So, good to sleep through but woke up too early.

anita