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anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome, thank you for your note, and yes, please do take your time and get back to me later. And please do your best to lower your anxiety level (less anxiety= fewer intrusive/ obsessive thoughts).
anita
anitaParticipantDear nycartist:
Welcome back New York City Artist!
“We recently went out and I was having a great time, only the next day to be told I was being flirty with everyone we had come across… for a ‘confidence boost’. It feels hurtful and like she is not just out having a good time with me, but watching my every move and judging me. She knows my marriage is great but sometimes you just want to go out and have a fun time. She on the other hand is single and I am thinking perhaps there is some kind of jealousy there.. if I bring anything up, I am ‘over reacting’… I want that kind of friendship where you root for each other and it’s all love. Is that just unrealistic?“-
– There are too many people out there who are overly judgmental and who express their judgments when it is uncalled for. Therefore, statistically, it is unrealistic to not come across judgmental people. I have been overly judgmental myself, still feel judgmental when I shouldn’t, but I am working on correcting my distorted judgmental thinking, and on not expressing such to people who need and deserve acceptance, not rejection.
The fact that she tells you that you are overreacting is concerning beyond her judgment itself.
Maybe she flirts with men unsuccessfully, she then observes you being social, with better results (men responding to you more positively than they respond to her), and she feels jealous, and lashes at you angrily with a piece of uncalled for judgment.
anita
May 14, 2024 at 10:26 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #432659anitaParticipantRe-submitted:
Dear Seaturtle:
I feel (and I may be wrong) that this post may be the most useful/ potentially most helpful post that I ever submitted to you. Again, this is my feeling, it may not be your feeling. Please have patience with this (one more) long post. Some of it may be distressing for you to read. As always, read if you choose to read, at your chosen pace, allowing yourself to accept or reject.
Your very first post, July 29, 2023 (I am adding the boldface feature): “He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE.. He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him… But… all he ever says is… blah blah blah all these super un-original things… I don’t feel seen… N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes…I don’t think we are soulmates… is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time, I want to move on or commit… I don’t want to make the wrong decision and make him the one that got away. I also don’t want to be ungrateful and expect that there’s something better out there for me, that feels like dangerous territory of having too high of standards that I’m single forever… I am exhausted with this decision and thought the answer would have come to me by now“.
Oct 13, 2023: “My dad felt unseen and would internally accuse me of not seeing his pain and empathizing with him… My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations… I find myself wanting to criticize my partner for similar things my dad criticized me for, like ‘not seeing me.’ A mentality like, if I have to be hyper aware of what I am doing, like responding to messages, cleaning up after myself hyper-vigilantly, making sure YOU are seen, then why shouldn’t you have to be too.. Like he will leave a mess at my apartment, something I would be way too self conscious to do at his house and I have to actively stop myself from resenting that he feels the freedom to do those things and I cannot live with it. As if I wish he had the same anxieties as me… I just wish he could at least empathize my internal torment“.
Oct 16, 2023: “He feels he is always consoling me and sometimes does not have the patience to do so… So far the only things that makes me feel better are talking about it and feeling he understands why it bothers me, otherwise I also get an impulse to pull away… it has ruined dates before, where I feel unsettled/triggered the whole time and struggle to move on, and become irritated how quickly he moves on… I feel I am falling out of love with him because of how worn out I feel from being triggered at a faster rate than I can heal… so much of our relationship in the last year has been about me and my triggers… we rarely go a whole day without him triggering me in some way… I recently find myself breaking up with him in my head and how I would explain myself, but I do not want to lose him”.
May 13, 2024 (you are the one adding the boldface feature here): “Despite my best efforts to want to just let go completely, it seems it’s like a boomerang, just as I think it is the farthest it has ever been, it comes shooting back… I fear that he will improve for someone else, and it was me who wasn’t worth it, that I didn’t do enough in the relationship. My desire is to just fully let go! And I feel like I have.. but then this boomerang came back to me the past 3 days or so… I am afraid it is right and that my path won’t ever lead me to another partner… these emotions are uncomfortable and I find myself wanting to escape them with alcohol, weed, tv, even contacting him”.
Very well health. com: “Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder that involves obsessions, preoccupations, doubts, and compulsive behaviors related to a relationship with another person… This article focuses on ROCD in romantic relationships, exploring the causes, symptoms, and ways of managing ROCD.
“Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health disorder characterized by intrusive and distressing thoughts, impulses (obsessions), and repetitive behaviors (compulsions). ROCD is a form of OCD that is explicitly focused on relationships.
“Having some degree of worry or doubt in a relationship is typical. Still, for people with relationship OCD, these preoccupations significantly disrupt the relationship and the person’s ability to function as an individual. They constantly analyze themselves, their partner, or their relationship, obsessing over even minor perceived flaws…
“Obsessive symptoms in ROCD can include: * Extreme fear of making the wrong relationship-related decision (alternating between anxiety over the thought of leaving the relationship and anxiety over being ‘trapped’ in the wrong relationship) * Overwhelming doubts and fears relating to how they feel toward their partner, how they believe their partner feels about them, and whether or not the relationship is ‘right’. * Hyper-focusing on perceived flaws they see in their partner * Fear that they aren’t ‘good enough’ for their partner …
”People with ROCD may perceive innocuous thoughts and behaviors as ‘signs’ that they don’t really love their partner or that their relationship isn’t viable. These can include:* Not thinking about their partner all day long * Not completely enjoying a kiss or act of intimacy * Noticing that another person is attractive * Enjoying having time to themselves on occasion * Not always being in the mood for sexual intimacy…
“Compulsive Behaviors: People with ROCD engage in compulsive behaviors in an attempt to relieve the anxiety caused by their obsessions. Compulsive behaviors common in ROCD include: * Monitoring/checking their feelings * Comparing, such as comparing their partner’s attributes to other potential partners or comparing their relationship to those around them, past relationships, relationships on TV, etc. * Neutralizing, such as picturing themselves and their partner happy together or trying to recall good experiences with their partner * Reassurance-seeking about their partner or relationship by consulting with friends, family, therapists, or even psychic… * Being constantly on a quest for ‘perfect’ love * Creating rules for their partner and questioning the relationship if their partner does not uphold them… Compulsive behaviors may provide temporary relief from obsessive thoughts, but the obsessions always return.
“The age of onset of ROCD is not known. Still, clinical evidence has shown symptoms often begin to present in early adulthood or when a person is first faced with commitment-related romantic decisions… ROCD symptoms often persist from one relationship to another and can occur when a person is not actively in a relationship (such as having obsessions about past or future relationships)…
“Summary: ROCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which a person experiences obsessions and compulsions related to their relationships. It can involve symptoms such as constantly questioning if they really want to be with their partner, being hyper-focused on perceived flaws they see in their partner, and seeking reassurance or proof that their relationship is “right.” ROCD can cause distress to the individual experiencing it and strain their relationship. ROCD is typically treated with therapy, particularly CBT or ERP, but medication may be prescribed if necessary to help with symptom relief.”
I suggested ROCD to you before, but you didn’t consider it back then. Today, I am amazed by how fitting the description of ROCD is with what you shared throughout your many posts (many, many more and longer than what I quoted above), the fit is huge. Psychotherapy that aims to treat ROCD can be a huge help for you.
Notice this quote from very well health: “ROCD symptoms often persist from one relationship to another and can occur when a person is not actively in a relationship (such as having obsessions about past or future relationships)“- you are not actively in a relationship with N- at least not when you posted last- but ROCD symptoms persist in regard to N while not in a relationship with him. In a future relationship with a different man, symptoms are likely to persist. The way I see it: no man can be perfect enough to make you feel seen and content when it is still your father’s unseeing and disapproving eyes that you see.
Fear is a very powerful emotion, a very powerful energy in-motion. I no longer have these dreams, but I used to: my mother looking at me, saying nothing, just staring at me with undeniable disapproval and condemnation. That’s all. Interpreting this dream using chakra language: her staring at me with condemnation blinded my third eye, created an earthquake in my crown chakra and hit my heart chakra with a dagger, making me bleed to (almost) death.
Remember you shared that you were watched like a hawk, and I responded with: you were watched, but you were not seen? This is true to my experience and my dream above: she watched me; she didn’t see me. If she saw me, she would have approved of me, which would have made it possible for her to love me (for how can you love someone you disapprove of?)
A parent’s disapproving/ condemning look hits a child’s heart like a dagger, an emotional dagger. I don’t have that dream anymore, but when I notice someone sigh, I automatically think it’s a disapproving (of me) sigh. When I notice an unhappy look, I still think it’s a disapproving look. I still see her in other people. (And so, I don’t really see other people when I see her in them).
You are not a beginner, Seaturtle, you have insight (3rd eye) and a lot more. I learn from you. And/ but.. when a parent’s legacy is a condemning look/ message, it is very difficult to recover from.
anita
May 14, 2024 at 10:19 am in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #432658anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
I feel (and I may be wrong) that this post may be the most useful/ potentially most helpful post that I ever submitted to you. Again, this is my feeling, it may not be your feeling. Please have patience with this (one more) long post. Some of it may be distressing for you to read. As always, read if you choose to read, at your chosen pace, allowing yourself to accept or reject.
Your very first post, July 29, 2023 (I am adding the boldface feature): “He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE.. He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him… But… all he ever says is… blah blah blah all these super un-original things… I don’t feel seen… N doesn’t really laugh at my jokes…I don’t think we are soulmates… is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now and I don’t want to waste my time, I want to move on or commit… I don’t want to make the wrong decision and make him the one that got away. I also don’t want to be ungrateful and expect that there’s something better out there for me, that feels like dangerous territory of having too high of standards that I’m single forever… I am exhausted with this decision and thought the answer would have come to me by now“.
Oct 13, 2023: “My dad felt unseen and would internally accuse me of not seeing his pain and empathizing with him… My dad to this day still very often misinterprets what I do and who I am and it hurts every time, he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations… I find myself wanting to criticize my partner for similar things my dad criticized me for, like ‘not seeing me.’ A mentality like, if I have to be hyper aware of what I am doing, like responding to messages, cleaning up after myself hyper-vigilantly, making sure YOU are seen, then why shouldn’t you have to be too.. Like he will leave a mess at my apartment, something I would be way too self conscious to do at his house and I have to actively stop myself from resenting that he feels the freedom to do those things and I cannot live with it. As if I wish he had the same anxieties as me… I just wish he could at least empathize my internal torment“.
Oct 16, 2023: “He feels he is always consoling me and sometimes does not have the patience to do so… So far the only things that makes me feel better are talking about it and feeling he understands why it bothers me, otherwise I also get an impulse to pull away… it has ruined dates before, where I feel unsettled/triggered the whole time and struggle to move on, and become irritated how quickly he moves on… I feel I am falling out of love with him because of how worn out I feel from being triggered at a faster rate than I can heal… so much of our relationship in the last year has been about me and my triggers… we rarely go a whole day without him triggering me in some way… I recently find myself breaking up with him in my head and how I would explain myself, but I do not want to lose him”.
May 13, 2024 (you are the one adding the boldface feature here): “Despite my best efforts to want to just let go completely, it seems it’s like a boomerang, just as I think it is the farthest it has ever been, it comes shooting back… I fear that he will improve for someone else, and it was me who wasn’t worth it, that I didn’t do enough in the relationship. My desire is to just fully let go! And I feel like I have.. but then this boomerang came back to me the past 3 days or so… I am afraid it is right and that my path won’t ever lead me to another partner… these emotions are uncomfortable and I find myself wanting to escape them with alcohol, weed, tv, even contacting him”.
<p id=”mntl-sc-block_1-0″ class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>Very well health. com: “Relationship OCD (ROCD) is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder that involves obsessions, preoccupations, doubts, and compulsive behaviors related to a relationship with another person… This article focuses on ROCD in romantic relationships, exploring the causes, symptoms, and ways of managing ROCD.</p>
“Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) is a mental health disorder characterized by intrusive and distressing thoughts, impulses (obsessions), and repetitive behaviors (compulsions). ROCD is a form of OCD that is explicitly focused on relationships.“Having some degree of worry or doubt in a relationship is typical. Still, for people with relationship OCD, these preoccupations significantly disrupt the relationship and the person’s ability to function as an individual. They constantly analyze themselves, their partner, or their relationship, obsessing over even minor perceived flaws…
“Obsessive symptoms in ROCD can include: * Extreme fear of making the wrong relationship-related decision (alternating between anxiety over the thought of leaving the relationship and anxiety over being ‘trapped’ in the wrong relationship) * Overwhelming doubts and fears relating to how they feel toward their partner, how they believe their partner feels about them, and whether or not the relationship is ‘right’. * Hyper-focusing on perceived flaws they see in their partner * Fear that they aren’t ‘good enough’ for their partner *…
<p id=”mntl-sc-block_44-0″ class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>”People with ROCD may perceive innocuous thoughts and behaviors as ‘signs’ that they don’t really love their partner or that their relationship isn’t viable. These can include:* Not thinking about their partner all day long * Not completely enjoying a kiss or act of intimacy * Noticing that another person is attractive * Enjoying having time to themselves on occasion * Not always being in the mood for sexual intimacy…</p>
<p class=”comp mntl-sc-block mntl-sc-block-html”>“Compulsive Behaviors: People with ROCD engage in compulsive behaviors in an attempt to relieve the anxiety caused by their obsessions. Compulsive behaviors common in ROCD include: * Monitoring/checking their feelings * Comparing, such as comparing their partner’s attributes to other potential partners or comparing their relationship to those around them, past relationships, relationships on TV, etc. * Neutralizing, such as picturing themselves and their partner happy together or trying to recall good experiences with their partner * Reassurance-seeking about their partner or relationship by consulting with friends, family, therapists, or even psychic… * Being constantly on a quest for ‘perfect’ love * Creating rules for their partner and questioning the relationship if their partner does not uphold them… Compulsive behaviors may provide temporary relief from obsessive thoughts, but the obsessions always return.</p>
“The age of onset of ROCD is not known. Still, clinical evidence has shown symptoms often begin to present in early adulthood or when a person is first faced with commitment-related romantic decisions… ROCD symptoms often persist from one relationship to another and can occur when a person is not actively in a relationship (such as having obsessions about past or future relationships)…“Summary: ROCD is a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder in which a person experiences obsessions and compulsions related to their relationships. It can involve symptoms such as constantly questioning if they really want to be with their partner, being hyper-focused on perceived flaws they see in their partner, and seeking reassurance or proof that their relationship is “right.” ROCD can cause distress to the individual experiencing it and strain their relationship. ROCD is typically treated with therapy, particularly CBT or ERP, but medication may be prescribed if necessary to help with symptom relief.”
I suggested ROCD to you before, but you didn’t consider it back then. Today, I am amazed by how fitting the description of ROCD is with what you shared throughout your many posts (many, many more and longer than what I quoted above), the fit is huge. Psychotherapy that aims to treat ROCD can be a huge help for you.
Notice this quote from very well health: “ROCD symptoms often persist from one relationship to another and can occur when a person is not actively in a relationship (such as having obsessions about past or future relationships)“- you are not actively in a relationship with N- at least not when you posted last- but ROCD symptoms persist in regard to N while not in a relationship with him. In a future relationship with a different man, symptoms are likely to persist. The way I see it: no man can be perfect enough to make you feel seen and content when it is still your father’s unseeing and disapproving eyes that you see.
Fear is a very powerful emotion, a very powerful energy in-motion. I no longer have these dreams, but I used to: my mother looking at me, saying nothing, just staring at me with undeniable disapproval and condemnation. That’s all. Interpreting this dream using chakra language: her staring at me with condemnation blinded my third eye, created an earthquake in my crown chakra and hit my heart chakra with a dagger, making me bleed to (almost) death.
Remember you shared that you were watched like a hawk, and I responded with: you were watched, but you were not seen? This is true to my experience and my dream above: she watched me; she didn’t see me. If she saw me, she would have approved of me, which would have made it possible for her to love me (for how can you love someone you disapprove of?)
A parent’s disapproving/ condemning look hits a child’s heart like a dagger, an emotional dagger. I don’t have that dream anymore, but when I notice someone sigh, I automatically think it’s a disapproving (of me) sigh. When I notice an unhappy look, I still think it’s a disapproving look. I still see her in other people. (And so, I don’t really see other people when I see her in them).
You are not a beginner, Seaturtle, you have insight (3rd eye) and a lot more. I learn from you. And/ but.. when a parent’s legacy is a condemning look/ message, it is very difficult to recover from.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome.
Back in April, you shared (I am adding the boldface feature selectively): “there was a point in my teens when I began to feel as if I had nothing good in me apart from my academics… I have never heard an appreciation or compliment from my father about my nature, about who I am apart from studies. Instead from early childhood, I would get to listen to very harsh criticism and ‘sermons’ (if the word conveys what I try to say) on even the most trivial issues. he would use to presume that in any given situation, I would be automatically at fault. It was like he had a problem with everything I did”.
Yesterday, May 12, you shared: “I am sometimes surprised seeing that a memory which would cause rage to me five years ago has the same sting even today, and I feel as hurt… Sometimes I just end up having violent rage-filled thoughts that ruin my mood and subsequently my day. No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time… Almost every day I am stressed out about something or the other… I am stuck in the past… a voice in my head gets louder and louder, which thinks that I am not as good and smart as others… he (father) had literally said that I am not ‘smart’ like the other students” (May 12)-
– Your father truly had a problem with everything about you, including your studies/ academics (not apart from your academics). His Harshly Disapproving, Critical Voice was broad-based, wide-ranging, large-scale, extensive and persistent: he disapproved of everything about you. Including at the time you suffered from your spine disease when harshness was most inappropriate.
No wonder such an extensive, persistent, frequent Harsh Disapproval & Criticism from him led to extensive, persistent, frequent rage within you.
“Rage… hurt.. rage-filled thoughts…No matter how many times I have gone over a past memory, it stirs the same emotions every single time… Almost every day I am stressed out about something or the other… I am stuck in the past“- your father’s Voice is active within you and so is your Emotional Reaction to his voice: rage, hurt, rage filed thoughts and stress.
Your emotional reactions to his voice are humanly natural and normal. it is normal to feel rage when abused, and persistent rage when persistently abused. You are currently residing in a different, far away country (U.K.) from your father, but his Voice is residing in your head. And every time you hear his voice on the phone or in-person during a visit, his voice in your head is energized, and so is your emotional reactions to his Voice, keeping you stuck in the past.
Looking at the title of your thread: Intrusive and Anxious Thoughts, I would add to it: hurt and Rage-filled Thoughts: Intrusive, Anxious, Hurt and Rage-filled Thoughts.
These thoughts are a normal reaction to his Voice (his voice in-person and his voice in your head).
How can you possibly avoid a normal reaction? The only way is to remove the action, i.e., , the threat: his Voice. His Voice has (still) a problem with everything about you. You have to turn down the volume of that voice down and turn up the volume of a different voice, one that says:
Kshitij, you are a good girl, you are a good person. I like you. Whatever you feel, Kshitij is okay with me. I accept you just you are. It is okay, Shitij, to feel angry and rageful, hurt and anxious, it’s all understandable, all normal reactions to abuse.
I am here for you, Kshitij. I am your friend. I will help you turn the volume down on that other voice, so that you have the peace of mind that you so desperately need and deserve.
Shh… hush his sermons, hush his criticism.. hush his abuse. You don’t deserve it, you never deserved it. You were never guilty of it. He was, he is.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Maggie:
Reads like he got scared to move in with you, and he was scared to tell you about it. I am sorry that this had happened to you and that you have to see him every day. I wish he had the courage to face his fears and … the courage to face you in an honest, direct way.
anita
anitaParticipantDear PJ:
I hope that any of the members who posted here last (Aug 2013, 10+ years ago), will reply to you. You are welcome to post again here, in this thread, or, if you would like, you are welcome to start your own thread (go to Forums at the top of the page).
anita
anitaParticipantDear Laven:
It is a good thing that you keep expressing your thoughts and feelings about the events in your life. Please continue to express yourself. If, just in case, you would like my input/ my advice on anything, please let me know. Wishing you well !
anita
May 11, 2024 at 12:54 pm in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432584anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
Continuing the imagery: when a sea turtle encounters a shark in deep-sea-reality, the shark attacks (Wins), the sea turtle dies (Loses), Game Over. In human society, people snap at each other every day, sometimes resulting in death, but more often, people get emotionally hurt, carrying injuries from one day to the next, continuing both: to hurt others and to get hurt. This is the complex human society reality. We get to be shark in the morning, sea turtle the in the evening.
In every day of my life, I want to not hurt others (to do-no-harm), and I want to not get harmed by others. I am not a saint (I am not here to absorb others’ aggression, turning the other cheek), but I am not a tit-for-tat person either. I’ll remove myself from harm and focus on what is good and helpful, best I can, morning, noon and night.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Lulu:
Good to read your update! I read your ever word even though I am not responding to every word.
“It was nice being called beautiful“- it makes me smile to read this: beautiful Lulu, it sounds Lovely!
“I think what was most jarring was everyone saying how different I looked when I didn’t feel or act any different“- I guess you don’t feel different from one day to the next, but them not having seen you for many, may days, could tell the positive difference.
“Yesterday, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out… and asked the nurse if she loved me over and over again… I kept apologizing for not being perfect… My mom and the nurse hugged me and told me they loved me and it was going to be ok“- I am glad the hugged you and told you that they love you.
No one is perfect: not the nurse, not your mom, not me, not anyone. You are in good, imperfect company, Lulu!
“My current goals are graduating on time with a smile on my face, keeping up with my antidepressants and healing from my mouth surgery. I’m still nervous about college, but I think that I’ll be fine so long as I keep my confidence up, so I think I’ll be fine.”– You are fine, Lulu!
“In the meantime, how have you been Anita?“- tired but fine as well. The rain stopped, summer is approaching quickly..
Take good care of yourself, Lovely Lulu!
anita
anita
May 11, 2024 at 11:38 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432582anitaParticipant(I give up… that’s what happens when you type under water, lol)
May 11, 2024 at 11:37 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432581anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:“The other uncles, some of them took it upon themselves to ‘teach me’ things. If I didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, I would be pinched, hard. If I didn’t say ‘uncle’ before their name I would be tickled to tears, void of breath and bruises… My grandpa was never home. When he was home, he was stingy and rude, but also a social butterfly and philosophical when he was in a good mood“- this gives me a bit of a look into the home in which your father grew up. Seems like he took on his father’s stingy attitude and social butterfly persona.I imagine that if your father didn’t say “please” or “thank you”, he too was strongly disapproved of, punished in some way. So, he said please and thank you and all other social-butterfly expressions, but didn’t mean any of them, forming a superficial persona, saying all the right things but not meaning them, remaining on the surface, avoiding depth.But angry within for not saying what he meant, for not being allowed to speak genuinely.When you lived in his home, as a teenager, he was angry that you allowed yourself what he wasn’t allowed: to leave traces of yourself around the house, while he, growing up, had to hide genuine traces of himself.The first time you shared about him was on Oct 11 last year (I will add my comments to what you share in parentheses, boldfaced): “My dad is highly superficial (highly superficial)… When my car was stolen… he took all the insurance money and justified not giving any of it to me (stingy)… when I lived with him alone from 16-20… he would make fun of me if I was sitting at home watching tv mid-day I would not hear the end of it, judging me, saying.. ‘you are lazy’ (growing up, he wasn’t allowed to relax in front of the TV, told he was lazy)… He was very critical (growing up, his genuine self was strongly criticized), I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset (growing up, his genuine self was not allowed visibility, he had to hide it)… Every 3 months… he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home, I was expected to come had conversation with him (“he demanded visibility, wanting you to see him when he was home, not to be ignored)”.The email he sent you recently, following you staying in one of his houses: “I am so happy you had such a wonderful time. Makes me feel good about the investment I made into our family’s future!… Love you and feel so proud, blessed, fortunate to be able to offer that luxury to one of my favorite people in the world. Miss you! (red heart emoji) ”-– I imagine that when he typed this email, his face was expressionless, not at all congruent with the so happy, makes me feel good, !! and red heart emoji. I think that his elated, optimistic, excited expressions are not genuine. They lack depth. He is doing his social lubrication/ public relations kind of communication with you.Back to your yesterday’s posts:“I think this is why we help each other understand ourselves, because we have a very similar voice in our heads. What do you think?“- I agree. The following didn’t occur to me until this very morning: your father and my mother have this in common: growing up invisible and angrily, demanded excessive visibility from their daughters, your father, during his “house cleaning” sessions; my mother, during her poor-me, histrionic sessions.In my mother’s excessive demands that I see her caused me to set my eyes on her, to not see me or anyone, but her.“In moments of fight/flight/freeze I have always been such a fighter“- a fighting sea turtle (sea turtles chase, bite, hit with their shells, butt heads, literally.. so I read).“You are so humble, self-reflective, and amazing for admitting this here“- thank you.“On one hand I find this old interpretation validating… because I don’t feel like I am the only one who does this… On the other hand, it is disheartening, because as someone I look up to, someone I see as farther in her healing than I am, the fact you still experience and give energy to this voice… that means that voice still tries to attack even later in my healing journey as well. I want to rid it for good!!“- patience, young grasshopper.. I mean, young sea turtle, lol. (and patience, anita). The voice does get weaker. It’s not loud, and it doesn’t take center stage like it used to.“I saw him through my dad’s perspective of me, ‘you are not attentive enough.’ If I did not make him feel heard, I was what my dad said… ‘you are not enough.‘“- growing up, he felt invisible, unheard, unseen. Fast forward, as an adult, he demanded that you see him. But his core emotional unseen experience was cemented within him before you were born. It was not, and is not in your power to dissolve his cement.Interesting, how by demanding that you see him, he created your core emotional unseen experience, about which we talked in the past, an experience that’s in the process of being dissolved, good job, Seaturtle!“The voice within me is ‘nothing is enough.’ … Hence my fear of being disappointed! So to heal I need to believe, everything is enough the way it is.. ?… I wonder if having compassion for his undeniable misery and exhaustion, can be helpful to me in some way..“- having compassion for yourself and seeing you will be helpful. As well as seeing him the way he is underneath his social lubrication/ public relationship presentation. See him wit your third eye.“I have had many people in my life tell me my authentic self was selfish. My dad, my ex, my sisters, and now a childhood friend, P. When I spoke with P she said I lacked empathy for her ADHD that caused her to talk over me. And that I lacked empathy for her relationship situation.. Am I just supposed to not believe them?”- for anyone who (1) knows how sensitive you are about being told that you are selfish, and (2) is willing to exploit your sensitivity and use it as a weapon against you.. will accuse you for being selfish and hold you captive.Therefore, if 1 & 2 is true to P, then, yes, don’t believe her. (By the way, talking excessively and over another person, as P does, is by definition a selfish behavior).Your father created this sensitivity in you and I’m guessing that your sisters became aware of this sensitivity over the years, willing to use it against you..?“At 25 I want all the people who said my authentic self is bad to see that it is not and to tell me that it is not“- it serves some people’s selfish interest to say that you are bad, people who want to feel better at your expense.“My soul is so beautiful but he put this huge scar on it that makes it hard for me to fully express myself… This is why I do believe I have a beautiful soul, and so do you!… We will never see ourselves as good if we look through their lens. But you can look through mine if you want“- I am envisioning a sea turtle deep in the ocean, silently swimming toward me, it’s very quiet deep in the water. I see your eyes as you approach, kind, brown sea turtle eyes.I say to the sea turtle: sea turtle, when you are close enough to a shark, and you look into the shark’s eyes, you will not see your authentic self. You will see a predator approaching his/ her meal.I will close my imagery with a dolphin-anita swimming side by side with a sea turtle in a blue-purple deep sea.anitaMay 11, 2024 at 11:34 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432580anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:“The other uncles, some of them took it upon themselves to ‘teach me’ things. If I didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, I would be pinched, hard. If I didn’t say ‘uncle’ before their name I would be tickled to tears, void of breath and bruises… My grandpa was never home. When he was home, he was stingy and rude, but also a social butterfly and philosophical when he was in a good mood“- this gives me a bit of a look into the home in which your father grew up. Seems like he took on his father’s stingy attitude and social butterfly persona.I imagine that if your father didn’t say “please” or “thank you”, he too was strongly disapproved of, punished in some way. So, he said please and thank you and all other social-butterfly expressions, but didn’t mean any of them, forming a superficial persona, saying all the right things but not meaning them, remaining on the surface, avoiding depth.But angry within for not saying what he meant, for not being allowed to speak genuinely.When you lived in his home, as a teenager, he was angry that you allowed yourself what he wasn’t allowed: to leave traces of yourself around the house, while he, growing up, had to hide genuine traces of himself.The first time you shared about him was on Oct 11 last year (I will add my comments to what you share in parentheses, boldfaced): “My dad is highly superficial (highly superficial)… When my car was stolen… he took all the insurance money and justified not giving any of it to me (stingy)… when I lived with him alone from 16-20… he would make fun of me if I was sitting at home watching tv mid-day I would not hear the end of it, judging me, saying.. ‘you are lazy’ (growing up, he wasn’t allowed to relax in front of the TV, told he was lazy)… He was very critical (growing up, his genuine self was strongly criticized), I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset (growing up, his genuine self was not allowed visibility, he had to hide it)… Every 3 months… he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home, I was expected to come had conversation with him (“he demanded visibility, wanting you to see him when he was home, not to be ignored)”.The email he sent you recently, following you staying in one of his houses: “I am so happy you had such a wonderful time. Makes me feel good about the investment I made into our family’s future!… Love you and feel so proud, blessed, fortunate to be able to offer that luxury to one of my favorite people in the world. Miss you! (red heart emoji) ”-– I imagine that when he typed this email, his face was expressionless, not at all congruent with the so happy, makes me feel good, !! and red heart emoji. I think that his elated, optimistic, excited expressions are not genuine. They lack depth. He is doing his social lubrication/ public relations kind of communication with you.Back to your yesterday’s posts:“I think this is why we help each other understand ourselves, because we have a very similar voice in our heads. What do you think?“- I agree. The following didn’t occur to me until this very morning: your father and my mother have this in common: growing up invisible and angrily, demanded excessive visibility from their daughters, your father, during his “house cleaning” sessions; my mother, during her poor-me, histrionic sessions.In my mother’s excessive demands that I see her caused me to set my eyes on her, to not see me or anyone, but her.“In moments of fight/flight/freeze I have always been such a fighter“- a fighting sea turtle (sea turtles chase, bite, hit with their shells, butt heads, literally.. so I read).“You are so humble, self-reflective, and amazing for admitting this here“- thank you.“On one hand I find this old interpretation validating… because I don’t feel like I am the only one who does this… On the other hand, it is disheartening, because as someone I look up to, someone I see as farther in her healing than I am, the fact you still experience and give energy to this voice… that means that voice still tries to attack even later in my healing journey as well. I want to rid it for good!!“- patience, young grasshopper.. I mean, young sea turtle, lol. (and patience, anita). The voice does get weaker. It’s not loud, and it doesn’t take center stage like it used to.“I saw him through my dad’s perspective of me, ‘you are not attentive enough.’ If I did not make him feel heard, I was what my dad said… ‘you are not enough.‘“- growing up, he felt invisible, unheard, unseen. Fast forward, as an adult, he demanded that you see him. But his core emotional unseen experience was cemented within him before you were born. It was not, and is not in your power to dissolve his cement.Interesting, how by demanding that you see him, he created your core emotional unseen experience, about which we talked in the past, an experience that’s in the process of being dissolved, good job, Seaturtle!“The voice within me is ‘nothing is enough.’ … Hence my fear of being disappointed! So to heal I need to believe, everything is enough the way it is.. ?… I wonder if having compassion for his undeniable misery and exhaustion, can be helpful to me in some way..“- having compassion for yourself and seeing you will be helpful. As well as seeing him the way he is underneath his social lubrication/ public relationship presentation. See him wit your third eye.“I have had many people in my life tell me my authentic self was selfish. My dad, my ex, my sisters, and now a childhood friend, P. When I spoke with P she said I lacked empathy for her ADHD that caused her to talk over me. And that I lacked empathy for her relationship situation.. Am I just supposed to not believe them?”- for anyone who (1) knows how sensitive you are about being told that you are selfish, and (2) is willing to exploit your sensitivity and use it as a weapon against you.. will accuse you for being selfish and hold you captive.Therefore, if 1 & 2 is true to P, then, yes, don’t believe her. (By the way, talking excessively and over another person, as P does, is by definition a selfish behavior).Your father created this sensitivity in you and I’m guessing that your sisters became aware of this sensitivity over the years, willing to use it against you..?“At 25 I want all the people who said my authentic self is bad to see that it is not and to tell me that it is not“- it serves some people’s selfish interest to say that you are bad, people who want to feel better at your expense.“My soul is so beautiful but he put this huge scar on it that makes it hard for me to fully express myself… This is why I do believe I have a beautiful soul, and so do you!… We will never see ourselves as good if we look through their lens. But you can look through mine if you want“- I am envisioning a sea turtle deep in the ocean, silently swimming toward me, it’s very quiet deep in the water. I see your eyes as you approach, kind, brown sea turtle eyes.I say to the sea turtle: sea turtle, when you are close enough to a shark, and you look into the shark’s eyes, you will not see your authentic self. You will see a predator approaching his/ her meal.I will close my imagery with a dolphin-anita swimming side by side with a sea turtle in a blue-purple deep sea.anitaMay 11, 2024 at 11:31 am in reply to: Surrender, Accessing Shakti by clearing samskaras, eliminating false selves #432579anitaParticipant* This post may appear messy with excess print. If that happens, ignore this post and I will submit a cleaned copy next.Dear Seaturtle:“The other uncles, some of them took it upon themselves to ‘teach me’ things. If I didn’t say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’, I would be pinched, hard. If I didn’t say ‘uncle’ before their name I would be tickled to tears, void of breath and bruises… My grandpa was never home. When he was home, he was stingy and rude, but also a social butterfly and philosophical when he was in a good mood“- this gives me a bit of a look into the home in which your father grew up. Seems like he took on his father’s stingy attitude and social butterfly persona.I imagine that if your father didn’t say “please” or “thank you”, he too was strongly disapproved of, punished in some way. So, he said please and thank you and all other social-butterfly expressions, but didn’t mean any of them, forming a superficial persona, saying all the right things but not meaning them, remaining on the surface, avoiding depth.But angry within for not saying what he meant, for not being allowed to speak genuinely.When you lived in his home, as a teenager, he was angry that you allowed yourself what he wasn’t allowed: to leave traces of yourself around the house, while he, growing up, had to hide genuine traces of himself.The first time you shared about him was on Oct 11 last year (I will add my comments to what you share in parentheses, boldfaced): “My dad is highly superficial (highly superficial)… When my car was stolen… he took all the insurance money and justified not giving any of it to me (stingy)… when I lived with him alone from 16-20… he would make fun of me if I was sitting at home watching tv mid-day I would not hear the end of it, judging me, saying.. ‘you are lazy’ (growing up, he wasn’t allowed to relax in front of the TV, told he was lazy)… He was very critical (growing up, his genuine self was strongly criticized), I left a dish in his sink at his house, or left my backpack downstairs, basically left any trace of myself in ‘his’ house, he would get upset (growing up, his genuine self was not allowed visibility, he had to hide it)… Every 3 months… he would list all the ways I had exemplified being ‘ungrateful’ at his house… My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him, or if I was upstairs when he got home, I was expected to come had conversation with him (“he demanded visibility, wanting you to see him when he was home, not to be ignored)”.The email he sent you recently, following you staying in one of his houses: “I am so happy you had such a wonderful time. Makes me feel good about the investment I made into our family’s future!… Love you and feel so proud, blessed, fortunate to be able to offer that luxury to one of my favorite people in the world. Miss you! (red heart emoji) ”-– I imagine that when he typed this email, his face was expressionless, not at all congruent with the so happy, makes me feel good, !! and red heart emoji. I think that his elated, optimistic, excited expressions are not genuine. They lack depth. He is doing his social lubrication/ public relations kind of communication with you.Back to your yesterday’s posts:“I think this is why we help each other understand ourselves, because we have a very similar voice in our heads. What do you think?“- I agree. The following didn’t occur to me until this very morning: your father and my mother have this in common: growing up invisible and angrily, demanded excessive visibility from their daughters, your father, during his “house cleaning” sessions; my mother, during her poor-me, histrionic sessions.In my mother’s excessive demands that I see her caused me to set my eyes on her, to not see me or anyone, but her.“In moments of fight/flight/freeze I have always been such a fighter“- a fighting sea turtle (sea turtles chase, bite, hit with their shells, butt heads, literally.. so I read).“You are so humble, self-reflective, and amazing for admitting this here“- thank you.“On one hand I find this old interpretation validating… because I don’t feel like I am the only one who does this… On the other hand, it is disheartening, because as someone I look up to, someone I see as farther in her healing than I am, the fact you still experience and give energy to this voice… that means that voice still tries to attack even later in my healing journey as well. I want to rid it for good!!“- patience, young grasshopper.. I mean, young sea turtle, lol. (and patience, anita). The voice does get weaker. It’s not loud, and it doesn’t take center stage like it used to.“I saw him through my dad’s perspective of me, ‘you are not attentive enough.’ If I did not make him feel heard, I was what my dad said… ‘you are not enough.‘“- growing up, he felt invisible, unheard, unseen. Fast forward, as an adult, he demanded that you see him. But his core emotional unseen experience was cemented within him before you were born. It was not, and is not in your power to dissolve his cement.Interesting, how by demanding that you see him, he created your core emotional unseen experience, about which we talked in the past, an experience that’s in the process of being dissolved, good job, Seaturtle!“The voice within me is ‘nothing is enough.’ … Hence my fear of being disappointed! So to heal I need to believe, everything is enough the way it is.. ?… I wonder if having compassion for his undeniable misery and exhaustion, can be helpful to me in some way..“- having compassion for yourself and seeing you will be helpful. As well as seeing him the way he is underneath his social lubrication/ public relationship presentation. See him wit your third eye.“I have had many people in my life tell me my authentic self was selfish. My dad, my ex, my sisters, and now a childhood friend, P. When I spoke with P she said I lacked empathy for her ADHD that caused her to talk over me. And that I lacked empathy for her relationship situation.. Am I just supposed to not believe them?”- for anyone who (1) knows how sensitive you are about being told that you are selfish, and (2) is willing to exploit your sensitivity and use it as a weapon against you.. will accuse you for being selfish and hold you captive.Therefore, if 1 & 2 is true to P, then, yes, don’t believe her. (By the way, talking excessively and over another person, as P does, is by definition a selfish behavior).Your father created this sensitivity in you and I’m guessing that your sisters became aware of this sensitivity over the years, willing to use it against you..?“At 25 I want all the people who said my authentic self is bad to see that it is not and to tell me that it is not“- it serves some people’s selfish interest to say that you are bad, people who want to feel better at your expense.“My soul is so beautiful but he put this huge scar on it that makes it hard for me to fully express myself… This is why I do believe I have a beautiful soul, and so do you!… We will never see ourselves as good if we look through their lens. But you can look through mine if you want“- I am envisioning a sea turtle deep in the ocean, silently swimming toward me, it’s very quiet deep in the water. I see your eyes as you approach, kind, brown sea turtle eyes.I say to the sea turtle: sea turtle, when you are close enough to a shark, and you look into the shark’s eyes, you will not see your authentic self. You will see a predator approaching his/ her meal.I will close my imagery with a dolphin-anita swimming side by side with a sea turtle in a blue-purple deep sea.anitaanitaParticipantContinued:
I am feeling extremely tired, unfocused and emotionally raw, so I thought I would type whatever comes to mind:
it’s okay, I didn’t have a mother (what a mother is supposed to be), but that’s okay. I am okay. I am okay. Calm. Shh… calm that noise, that restless energy-in-motion within, that unsettling energy. Shh… it’s okay. I am okay.
The sun is bright outside, the trees and grass so green (in front of me, seen through the open window). Life as usual, it was always there no matter how dead I felt. Ah, life, a magnificent thing, life seeking life. I am seeking life. I let go of my past, I let it go. I no longer identify with my past. I now identify with life, everything’s life, everyone’s life, just.. Life.
anita
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