Dear Gavin:

” I want someone to learn from my mistakes and make their lives better… * You should always try and look at every situation with calm clarity and perspective… Look at the bigger picture and don’t just act on pure and raw emotion or think of the short term, as I did.

“* Think what’s at stake… * Be careful where you get your advice from… *.. go and see a therapist..

“* Do not take anyone for granted… Savour every moment and always give your best.”-

– I copied and boldfaced parts of your advice and recommendations because it’s all very good advice, I believe, worthy of being repeated and boldfaced.

Thank you for caring to share your difficult experience so to help other people learn from your mistakes, so that they may not end up with your pain and your regret.

“I hope someone can give advice on this or take from it what you will… Please be kind though“-  I hope that soon enough you will no longer suffer like you do.

I want to understand better, so I ask/ check with you:

-“I… could bolt off back to my own house at the slightest provocation“- I am guessing that growing up provoked, really provoked,  perhaps by a parent, you had nowhere to go. Fast forward, as an adult, when you felt provoked, you felt very provoked, and since you did have somewhere to go.. you went there. Am I guessing correctly?

(In the following I will be adding the boldface feature, sometimes selectively, for emphasis purposes:)

“We got into a minor argument during the latter part of the weekend, which resulted in me storming off (I know, very childish and stupid), and then continued via messaging and ran over the course of the next few weeks. Then it escalated into something that I lost control over… She sent me messages pleading with me, and I ignored her. I knew in the back of my mind that I would live to regret my actions, but I was just on a completely different planet as if something had taken over me“-

– that something that took over you was your childhood experience invading your adult experience and taking over; the completely different planet = your childhood re-experienced in adulthood..?

The minor argument with her awakened a major argument/ major conflict, and you reacted- not to the argument with her-  but to that other major conflict by storming off, etc., a reaction that would have been appropriate to the situation long ago (if you were able to storm out, etc., back then), but inappropriate/ an over-reaction to the real-life argument with her…?

“She was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was my future and the love of my life. I was so dammed lucky to have met her”-

– she was the best thing that happened to you, but you were dammed unlucky to have had someone else from your past (childhood) in your life, someone who was..  the worst thing that happened to you? 

Inaccurately projecting one’s difficult childhood experience into one’s adult experience is so very common.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“In high school… I was ignored, they would stop whispering once I came over, they would not pass the ball to me even if I was part of the play…They made me feel awkward and I was UNSEEN completely. Then I would go home to my dad who also could not see me”- this was a painful experience for you, quite traumatic for a teenager to be excluded socially. I am sorry that you went through this.

“I needed therapy, being unseen is, I believe, genuinely dangerous.“- what an original, powerful way to put it. And you are right.. the violent things that some people do after being unseen for too long.

“What makes it all worse is I had no idea they thought I ‘tattled,’ I had no idea why they went from friends to bullies… This makes me feel validated that they were not helpful replies. I came here to feel seen and those responses made me feel the opposite, but I didn’t know why and thought maybe my concerns were too minuscule to be acknowledged”-

– you didn’t know why..  I always want to know the why-s: it helps to know:

In your chosen title of your first thread, you asked for help: “Please help me“, and you added in the title: “my mind hasn’t rested in 8 months“. You assertively and clearly stated what you needed and wanted: help so that your tired mind can rest. Instead, you received condemnation, you were accused of being selfish, greedy, unappreciative and unreasonable (accusations that were not true):  “It appears that you have met a gentle kind man…  Yet this is not enough for you. you want to have your sense of self also massaged & pampered by him. Maybe you could swap him for someone who alternates between shallowly love bombing you and ghosting you!… No-one person can fulfill all our different needs all of the time..!“- my goodness, for crying out loud … Basically, you were bullied on your first thread.

Why? Because the person replying to you jumped to conclusions, that is assumed things about you without supportive evidence, and feeling angry at you.. expressed it clearly, never to reconsider, revisit the thread (within a reasonable time) and apologize. I have never, in all of the .. about 8 years on tiny buddha, commented on the replies of others, but if I was a participant at the time, I should have- would have- I hope (!)  stood up for you and against your (thread) bully.

At the same time, I need to hold myself accountable for what I would hold others accountable for: I need to do-no-harm to the people I choose to reply to: to Help, not to Harm. There are replies that I submitted in the past that I regret, and I am way more careful now- than I was before- to the principle of do no harm.

“Can two insecure parents raise a secure child?“- I don’t think so. But I’d say that two insecure parents can do their best to limit the physical and verbal expressions of their insecurity.

“Being insecure is a place I really do not like to be, my ground literally shakes and I feel paralyzed in my abilities to decide and even socialize. I want to be secure, and I know there will always be doses of insecurity in life but I do wish I was more sure of myself than I am right now”- it takes a village, like the saying goes. Let’s help each other best we can to feel more secure… in the insecure world we live in.

“My dad came to where I live this weekend because he had a golf tournament with some friends… This weekend I only got a small hour or so with him alone and in that small time he got teary eyed again, I could tell he was trying to hide it, and he told me he was proud of me. He genuinely asked me questions about myself while actually genuinely listening, I feel he may be beginning to see me… I think he is beginning to unsee what he thought of me that I was selfish and egocentric. Does this all mean he is growing up from a narcissistic development stage of childhood?”-

-I don’t know for sure, of course. I know what it took for me to change and care about other people: lots of attention, introspection, effort.. work over time, way more than a moment of having teary eyes. In regard to him asking you questions and genuinely listening: notice that you saw him only for a small hour during what I imagine was a relaxing weekend for him. His behavior during that one hour, in those circumstances (a golf tournament with friends) is not an indication of how he’d behave in normal circumstances on the long-run. Also, if as part of his job, let’s say, he has experience in asking questions and listening (and appearing to be empathetic while listening).. he may have extended that skill to you, for the length of that one hour.

“I still though have a fear he will revert back and see me how he did up till a year ago“- if he is indeed stuck in an early childhood development stage and he didn’t have extended psychotherapy and he didn’t sincerely and thoroughly apologize to you, his daughter, for his misdeeds then I would, if I was you, expect him to continue to be who he’s been,

“How do I undo this trauma response? Is it simply how you would end a bad habit by forcing yourself to not give in until the reaction/impulse is gone?“- yes (except that it’s not simple): behave in a different, new way in spite of the impulse, or compulsion to act the old way. It takes practice and a gentle, realistic attitude: lessening and enduring emotional discomfort and not expecting perfect execution or linear progress.

“As I briefly brought up my partner’s mom giving him the silent treatment and withholding affection, I thought it may help to shed some light on what I know about him. He told me his mom would do this and that she made him feel like a bad kid morally as he grew up. She being very Christian made him feel this way…  He said he felt he had to constantly tell his mom he was not a bad kid, but felt “UNSEEN” by her, and still does…  My partner said his dad would emotionally dump on him and he felt like his therapist growing up”-

– My input: clearly he needs you to not (1) give him the silent treatment, or in any way suggest to him that he is a bad person (like his mother did and maybe still does), (2)  emotionally dump on him (like his father did and maybe still does).

Seems like your emotional problems within the relationship motivate him to stay in the relationship because of his compulsion perhaps to act like his mother’s=> his partner’s therapist.

Having read about how often you get distressed in his presence, feeling relief when not in his presence and contemplating breaking up with him, I think that taking an actual break (not a breakup) for long-enough will take care of your current heightened distress level and will open your heart and mind to feeling way better about him and about yourself.

You can’t solve problems when under heightened distress- except for the quick and relatively easy, short-term solution of breaking up with him. A solution I imagine that you will regret on the long-term. You need your distress level- over days and weeks- to get lower first, so that you can think clearly and come up with reasonable, effective long-term solutions.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

You are very welcome!

“I am learning about myself that I desire the self improvement, but it is something I need to take a break from on weekends so that I am not constantly in my head thinking. So I will likely not respond on weekends, just to let you know“- thank you for letting me know, I appreciate it (and you know the reason!)

I read your post and I want to re-read it and reply when I am more focused- tomorrow, Tues morning. Have a good rest of Monday!

anita

Dear Pandanator:

You are welcome and thank you for being here!

“It has been extremely stressful with one thing after another, a potential cancer“- has cancer been ruled out?

“I tend to try to believe that everyone deep down is a good person“- everyone deep down is a good person, but in too many people (and 1 is too many), that good-person deep inside is trapped, mute and powerless, deep inside a bad person. (am not saying that he is a bad person)

I am the one adding the boldface feature selectively in the following quote: “Based on the conversation, he seemed to be confused.. The whole relationship he was just very confused and was a hot/cold person. He would be super happy to see me one day and then a week later seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me and was always judging me”-

– seems to me that he had a parent who unexpectedly changed from good (affectionate, supportive) to bad (hostile, abusive) and he projected that parent into you, shifting from seeing you as good (and responding to his perception of you as good by being super happy to see you, acting hot), and seeing you as bad (and responding to his perception of you as bad by acting like he wanted nothing to do with you, acting cold).

His confusion may very well be about who you are, good or bad, friendly or hostile; a confusion that’s a result of his projection of a parent into you, and therefore not being able to clearly see who you are. It is very common for a person to project a parent into a romantic partner.

“I do feel very guilty over blocking him as I do believe he is a good person…  he was super friendly the week before when I snapped and told him to stop playing games…  All I can think is I am probably not as good as the other girl he ended up with”-

– think, if you will, that he was possibly projecting an abusive parent into you, and his behavior was not .. about you. If I am correct, then he will do a similar kind of projection into his new girlfriend.

“I do tend to be a chronic overthinker and an anxious-attachment person. It is something I want to work on. I am really trying not to think about the whole thing but it is quite an enigma“- an enigma that can be solved if you knew about his childhood. You know how your childhood is powerful in your current, adult life (causing your chronic overthinking and anxious attachment style), do you..?  Same about  his childhood.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Andromeda:

* I am adding this comment after putting an hour and a half into this post and realizing that I am not close to completing it. Please take your time reading this, perhaps over hours or a few days, because parts of it will be distressing to read (if you choose to read it). It is not in me to say just anything, whatever may make you feel better for a moment. I only say what I honestly believe to be true because I find some longer-term refuge in learning and knowing what is true. Here is my post:

You are welcome. On Thursday morning, October 5, you- out of the blue- “heard/felt him say to me that he had done horrible things and couldn’t cope with his emotions anymore“. You found out that evening that he was no longer alive.

For five days (Oct 5-Oct 10), you “felt his presence strongly.. sensed huge regret“, and then you “saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life“.

“He was special, very popular, funny, intelligent, spiritual, quirky, his friends and family described him as a beacon of light“.

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively in the following quote and will comment on them next): “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt.  I loved him so much. I let him down… he started not answering my messages, I never tried to ring him, left it to my sister and his Mother. I let him slip away, too consumed with my own problems, I was going through a very difficult time and struggling with depression…. he had been prescribed all sorts of medication, which he was stopping and starting. He was also due to have an mri because he had numbness and pain in his legs. He thought he had MS… the weekend before he took his life, his friends he had been sharing a house with, which he called family, all left him to move into another property. He was left on his own.  Abandoned again…  My sister and Mother had been sending him money. They finally told him that they couldn’t keep sending money, that he needed to come back. I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer but Why didn’t I phone him. He said to my other sister that he didn’t want to come back home, said he would rather kill himself…”-

– my thoughts this Monday morning: (1) what happened first is that he started not answering your messages; what happened second was that you didn’t ring him. I imagine, based on what you shared in your original post (“I struggle with my mental health and my negativity pushes people away. My presence has no positive affect on people so Over the years I’ve become a recluse”) that when he stopped answering your messages, you thought that he stopped because your negativity pushed him away and that contact with you had a negative affect on him, and so, your motivation was to protect him from your perceived negativity/ negative affect, to protect the person you loved so much.

“My last message to him was to encourage him to come home for a while to get his head straight, I offered to put him up… I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan“- this is a huge offer that you made to him, an offer to help him at a time of great need.

“I sent a message offering to stay with me or in a caravan. He didn’t answer, But why didn’t I phone him“?- I am guessing that you didn’t phone him because you were no longer in the habit of ringing him (after he stopped answering your messages). When we get used to a certain way, it’s difficult to change it; we are creatures of habit.

And perhaps you were afraid to hear his pain, if you were to talk to him. It is very, very difficult to hear the pain in the voice of someone we love so much, particularly one we loved as a child, knowing him- or her-  as the innocent, pure trusting young child.

(2) About “I let him down“- If you look at a very small part of the whole/ big picture then.. yes, you let him down. I am not saying this lightly as I myself have let someone very important to me down, someone much younger who looked up to me as a child, and I too felt so very guilty about it. Please keep reading as I explain the big picture that is evident to me:

We humans have let each other down, failing each other, for thousands of years, from parents and other adults failing the children under their care to leaders and persons in positions of power failing the millions and billions of people who have no choice but to live (and die) under their power. It’s been going on from one generation to the next for too long, and it’s coming to a boiling point, almost literally (climate change).

Those in positions of power, financially and politically, are not bothering to read this post or to hear the cries of the millions of people suffering. They are too self-centered and selfish to care or to give up their power.. no matter what. You and I are two out of billions of people on the same boat, without power to change the current global reality.  We can only do what we can do: help who we can help, in whatever way we can, beginning with the Buddhist principle of Do-No-Harm to others.

We .. who need help, need to help others: this is how we can transcend our personal weakness and impotence and become strong in the midst of this current global great distress, which includes your nephew’s (past) distress and that of many millions.. including our own.

“I let him down“- and so did his mother, and his father, and his other aunt and the health professionals who prescribed him with medications and maybe neglected to follow through with treatment, professionals who could have done more.. and his friends perhaps who moved away and so forth, and many more. And then the  numbness and pain in his legs added to the mix, and lack of money.

You wrote: “I can’t cope with this pain and guilt“-I share your pain, and I suffered from Guilt for decades.. You are not alone. Like I wrote earlier in this message, we all failed each other. Lots of people failed you, lots failed me , and here we are. Question is: how do we proceed as individuals- and together (here in this public forum)?

“I feel as though I’m drowning and Feel that my life will now be left in more darkness…I saw a strong bright light surround him, I knew somehow that he was moving on to his next life… He was.. a beacon of light“-

– what if his spirit sent you a message:  to let his light into your darkness, into mine, into that of anyone who may be reading your thread, and individually, and together- wherever, whenever possible- we can transcend our individual impotence and help each other in any way we can…?

anita

Dear Luna:

Thank you for getting back to me, for your good wishes, for focusing on the positives and for being otherwise kind to me and to others.

“the importance of personal development and having an open heart and mind to the life lessons… As for the point that has been raised throughout our interactions on intellectualizing emotions. I realize that everyone is prone to doing that at some point as we learn to better process our emotional world and even make the most of it in our real world”-

– After I submitted my last post to you on Sept 30, I read posts that you submitted in early October and I realized that your language was spontaneous and emotions were not intellectualized.. so I was wrong, I knew then, and wanted to let you know but waited until- and if- you get back to me. So, you did get back to me and what you expressed in the quote above is my opportunity to learn a life lesson, here it is (developing my thoughts as I type):

I tend to get laser focused on one element of the big picture and therefore, not see the big picture. I noticed the element of intellectualizing emotions in your early posts, and focused on that element. In my communication with you, I did not consider that everyone intellectualizes emotions to one extent or another (not just Luna..,  not just me), and I did not consider the possibility that this element is not permanent, that it is fluid instead, depending on you warming up to certain people, or feeling less awkward perhaps to post on a public forum.

I am wondering about the reason for this lifelong tendency, and what comes to mind is the image of a child trying to find stability on shaky ground where unpredictability/ capriciousness/ instability/ changeability rule. So, the child adjusts to this by looking for and focusing on whatever can be perceived as permanent and stable. Or, in other words, the child needs to see permanence, so she sees permanence. While being laser focused on permanence, changeability is a blur.

Thank you for teaching me this life lesson. I am now more capable than before- because of you- to see the bigger, fluid picture. Quite amazing…  It is possible for me to learn this lesson (it will be work in-progress to continue to learn it)  because you presented it to me kindly, gently.. not rudely or harshly- another lesson to further learn.

anita

Dear Andromeda:

I read your 2nd post, still- heartbreaking. Your pain is immense. I want to re-read and reply Mon morning when I am more focused. Will be back to you in about 12 hours from now.

anita