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anitaParticipantContinued a bit tonight:
I just double checked, asking someone who just had a meeting with other people, very locally: “what do they say about me being a hard worker?” and the person said: they say you are the hardest working person around here! I was told this in person too, and I am so pleased, so proud, because my mother used to say (again and again and again and again.. and again.. and f**** again) that I am LAZY.. But these wild-west, hard working farmers and others around here say that I am the hardest working person in this wild-west world, so she was/ is WRONG. Always have been wrong: I was NEVER the bad, lazy person she said I was.
I will still hear HER words, especially when I am tired, like earlier today, the recording will re-play, such is the nature of the brain. But I want to remember that.. I am the HARDEST WORKING PERSON around here, around this wild-west, cowboy-hat-beard, wild, wild-west.
She was wrong all along, she WRONGED me all along, it still boggles my mind: why/ how did she have to be so mean to .. the hardest working girl. I mean, really, I can see how she DISTORTED who I was, who I am, COMPLETELY! I am not, not who she kept saying that I was. And she was wrong out of CRUELTY: she hated me and she wanted to inflict pain on me.
It’s a lifetime process to really UNDERSTAND that your OWN MOTHER was/ is your ENEMY. HOW CAN IT POSSIBLY BE TRUE???
I can’t believe it, still, it’s bamboozling my mind! Oh.. I just need to fully confront the difficult, horrible, bamboozling reality that my mother, MY MOTHER, was/is my Enemy. It is (I have no word) difficult to take in. I mean: my own mother wanted me to be in pain. My OWN MOTHER whose love I needed more than anything, her motivation was to see me hurt.
It’s just so difficult to take in, it’s just that one expects one’s mother to be on one’s side, and definitely not against… Okay, it’s Tues late night here. Good night/ good morning, 1-3 readers, thank you for being here with me, reading.
Let us be guided by the Truth, however difficult it is to take in and absorb.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I am having a difficult day today, my mother’s voice, paranoid, negative, ‘all people are bad people, trying to take advantage, bad.. BAD people‘ has been playing and re-playing in my brain without my consent. I suppose this is how the brain works: it plays back old recording when one is tired and anxious (my shoulders/ upper back have been hurting for days, ever since I used a small, electrical mower, for hours).
I felt depressed for the first time in a long, long time, just not right. Still don’t feel right. Was up about 4 am, it’s now 14 hours later, the day is just too long when feeling this way. I am depressed over people’s pain, people (a person) I care about. I feel depressed over the state of the world: so much violence, war, cruelty.. I am not finding the Positive this evening. I WISH I could save the world.. like a superwoman- anita I wish I was. I’d do ANYTHING, everything to save the millions of people that need saving. How incompetent I am, how useless, how insignificant when it comes to making the world a bit better.
Hey, I just noticed I feel a bit better for having typed this.
I’d do anything. I’ll climb the tallest mountain, if.. it made a difference.
One person (me) wanting to make a difference, not having a way to make a difference. If only I was a world leader, a celebrity, I would have spoken, I would have made a difference.
But as it is, there is no way for me to.. what are the words to the song…: “If I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe, you would think my love is something really good… If I can change the world, I would be the sunlight in your universe.. If I could change the world, if I could.. If I could change the world” (Eric Clapton).
I am a hard worker irl; I am known in this part of the world where I live as “the hardest working person”, so say some hard-working people observing me (physical work), day after day, month after month, year after year. If I could.. if I could change the world with my hard, physical work.. I would!
But.. how futile my desire to change the world.
Here I am typing to.. who is reading? A person or two.
It’s so very weird, this internet thing. Eric Clapton I still singing on the other window as I am typing this: “I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot no deputy… I shot… I shot the sheriff“. I live in a very wild-west area, U.S., men in cowboy hats and beards (younger men: long beards, older men: short beards), and of course, weapons that go along with the beards and cowboy hats. I may be digressing. but hey, I am feeling better for it.
Somehow the music on the other window passed on to “the thrill is gone“/ B. B. King, great music (thank you for being here with me, those of you who are reading, 2-3 people I gather, at the most): “The thrill is gone” (the thrill is always gone, says I, it’s in its nature to be gone): “you know I’m free, free now baby, I am free from your spell… You’ve done me wrong; you’d be sorry some day“- my goodness, this is excellent music, the Blues. This song is thrilling me (!) and the day’s depression is gone!
The magic of the Blues.
There are other songs about changing the world: “Can’t do it by myself… Together we can change the world.. With our hand and our hearts, we can make a start.. What if we spoke with one voice… Together…” (Mark Shepard, so it says, never heard this song before).
Back to Eric Clapton: “this love I have inside… it’s only in my dreads; I can change te world.. If I could, cha-change the world… I would be the sunlight in your universe… cha-change the world“.
It seems like too much to ask: TO CHANGE THE WORLD, to BE THE SUNLIGHT IN YOUR UNIVERSE, for crying out loud!
“If I could reach the stars.. shining on my heart, so you can see the truth, then this love I have inside… it’s only in my dreams“-
– human/ most human’s impotence.. if only I could change the world…
“I would be the sunlight in your universe, you would think my love was something good“- which brings me to my story: my mother thought that my love was something bad, that I was something bad, and so was everyone else. And these were the thoughts circulating in my brain today: how bad everyone is.
“I must be strong and carry on” (Eric Clapton still, Tears in Heaven) “Time can bring you down… Time can break your heart… Beyond the dark, there’s peace for sure… There’ll be no more tears in heaven“.
“It’s late in the evening… And then she asks me, Do I look alright?… And then she asks me Do you feel alright?.. because I see the light in your eyes.. My darling, you are wonderful tonight” (Eric Clapton, Wonderful Tonight)
Here is one of my most- ever- favorite song: “mama told me when I was young, sit beside me, my only son, and listen closely to what I say, and if you do this, it will help you some sunny day… take your time, don’t live too fast, troubles will come, and they will pass… and be a SIMPLE kind of man… be a simple, be a simple man, why don’t you do this, for my son, if you can… All you need is in your soul… follow your heart, and nothing else, you can do this if you try… a simple kind of man” (Simple Man, Lynyrd Skynyrd).
Thank you 1-3 people reading this, being here with me this Tues night.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
“even this line made my anxiety and intrusive thoughts surge“- I think that an Attitude Change is required: from being scared of and surrendering to the fear-driven intrusive thoughts, going belly up, so to speak, to => => => Courage and standing up for yourself against the intrusive thoughts, as in looking them in the eye, and saying: I am STRONGER than you.
12:43 am where you are at.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome!
“True, these are like mental habits, and these mental habits make me suffer a lot. I will try to practice mindfulness more deeply in my daily life“- like any habit, it takes persistent practice to change and form a new habit. It is far from being easy. I wish it was easy!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
“can you please tell me sites/blogs where I can access audios of Mark G. Williams?“- my therapist at the time sent me links to audios by Mark Williams. All I did was click the links. I just googled “mark Williams mindfulness” and got what looks like YouTube audios and videos of his meditations and lectures (I am very low tech)
“Every night I start thinking which ends up making me feel lesser, or unsuccessful personally and career-wise. That adds on to my intrusive thinking…“- these are your mental habits. I have mine. It is difficult to change mental habits. Mindfulness guided meditations are a way to slow down these habits and eventually, with practice and patience, change them. It takes wanting to change these habits and doing what it takes.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Abde:
“Any thoughts or suggestions on how do I close this?“- I’d close it with lessons learned: (1) to not pursue a relationship with a woman for as long as you are still living with another woman (your wife), (2) when in a dating/ matrimonial site, once you are no longer living with your wife, register the truth about your marital status, ex., separated, not yet divorced.
“Is there a semblance of a chance to get back once she knows that I have divorced?“- I think so, particularly if she is considering moving to the U.S. You living in the U.S., being a legal resident or citizen, having a good-paying job: that would be a big attraction for lots of women in other countries who are interested in moving to the U.S. And an honest woman who has this interest should be upfront about it. It doesn’t (and shouldn’t) mean that this is all of her interest in you. There ought to be a meeting of the minds between you and the woman you will be dating: shared values, honesty, trust, respect, consistency of behavior.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
You are welcome and thank you for always being honest with me!
“I do not know if it is OCD or depression“- it could very well be both. I was diagnosed with OCD and with Depression at one time.
“Every day there is something that makes me feel a lesser person, that makes me feel my life is not good right now… Sometimes I just feel so weird about life itself, and in those moments I feel very alone.”– you feel very alone, and I know how it feels. But objectively, you are not alone: there are many, many people who feel so very alone. I wonder if there is a support group in Oxford for students who feel very alone.
And you are not a lesser person, Kshitij, I am sure of it, no doubt in my mind!
anita
anitaParticipantDear Kshitij:
“I don’t know under what context you sent the last message“- I was afraid that my post about anger (June 14) triggered and upset you (similar to when I sent you quotes), and I felt badly about it, wishing I knew how to be helpful to you instead.
“Thank you for your thread above on repressed anger. Can I take my time to read it? Maybe after 20th when my exams get over?“- of course, and you are welcome. Thank you for being as kind and gracious as you are.
“thank you for your empathy, Anita… “- you are welcome and thank you for your empathy: for caring to let me know that I have been helpful to you.
“I saw your message when I got up today and coincidentally, I had breakdowns last night, I am feeling that something is not right, something is not okay“- that feeling that something is not right is in the core of OCD, and almost anything- if not anything- can trigger this something is not right feeling.
OCD is not really a thinking problem but a feeling problem: it’s not about the content of thoughts but about how we feel about the thoughts. Without OCD, a person can dismiss a thought that one considers weird or illogical, but with OCD, a person gets stuck on the thought, feeling disturbed over it for a long time.
I wish you can find a way to no longer feel distressed about illogical, inconsequential thoughts: just observe the thought and let it pass, not getting caught in and entangled in it.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Raising Again:
You are very welcome. Do your best to be kind to yourself, and you will perform better at work and elsewhere. Anytime you’d like to share more, here on this thread or in another you may want to start in the future (so to not feel alone), you are welcome to do so.
anita
June 17, 2024 at 6:37 pm in reply to: Telling the difference between gut and fear in relationships #433930anitaParticipantDear Seaturtle:
oceanic society. org: “Sea turtles are often compared to dinosaurs due to their scaly, reptilian appearance. In fact, sea turtles were around at the same time as dinosaurs! That’s right, sea turtles as we know them today evolved 110 million years ago and have changed very little in the years since. This means that they not only coexisted with dinosaurs for around 45 million years, but they also outlived them, surviving the mass extinction event that took place approximately 65 million years ago…
“Sea turtles take an extremely long time to grow from a hatchling into a reproductive adult. Depending on the species, a female sea turtle can take between 10 and 30+ years to lay her first eggs“- and the Sea Turtle OP of this thread is 25-years-old, still has time before laying her first eggs..?
“When sea turtles hatch from their nests, it’s thought that they learn their location using the Earth’s magnetic field, a phenomenon known as geomagnetic imprinting. Even after as many as 30 years, when a sea turtle hatchling becomes a mature adult, it remembers the location from which it was born, like an address. The turtle will then be able to navigate thousands of miles back to the same beach (or nearby beach) to lay its eggs“- thinking about you, Sea Turtle.
anita
anitaParticipantI am sorry that you are suffering, Kshitij. I wish I could help. I wish you will get help from someone, someone who understands exactly what you need, and how to go about it.
anita
anitaParticipantLisa feels Alone, but she is not alone feeling-Alone: there are others out there feeling utterly alone. I felt Alone for the longest time. I am not Alone Anymore.
anita
June 17, 2024 at 5:49 pm in reply to: growing up – becoming adul / procrastination – in connection to childhood trauma #433927anitaParticipantThinking about you, Robi, hoping you are okay.
anita
anitaParticipantDear Flow28: I didn’t do a good job in my first reply. I’ll try again:
I can see how hurt you are. The shock and disappointment: from “I was sure we were together” to him saying: “we’re not together yet“, his preference to go to a long trip without you, and now, he’s seeing someone else. All this left you hurt, sad, angry, doubting if he was not into you, or if you scared him off.
It is hard to analyze his words (those you quoted) without seeing the context: the whole conversation, what led to it, etc.
Seems like you were more interested in him than he was in you, and so, the (unofficial) relationship had a power imbalance: you were in the weak position, the one chasing him to take you with him on the long trip, the one pressuring him to make the relationship official (the ultimatum), the one hanging on his words.
And seems to me that he has some problems that preceded you and more likely than not, there would have been a breakup even if you behaved.. perfectly. After all, most relationships, particularly those starting online, don’t last long.
I am sorry that you are hurting and I hope that you will learn what you can learn from the experience and that you feel better soon. Learning often makes me feel better. i hope to read from you again.
anita
anitaParticipantContinued:
I am experiencing Less Fear, less Anxiety and enough Healing to feel, to subjectively experience mental health. To actually understand it, not from the rational level, but from the emotional level: to understand this novel idea that I am of no less value than anyone else. That’s an amazing emotional understanding for me, very new. I always thought/ felt/ believed that I was less than every one else, way less. It was a horrible way to go through life. It wasn’t really living, it was surviving as an inferior specimen.
How strange. Today, for the first time in my life, I can see myself a mother, and teaching him/ her well. Too old for that, but I can see it now, I can see myself a mother.
I felt today, for the first time in my life, no fear about making waves in real-life, expressing my discontent, for someone hearing my discontent, my complaint.. not afraid to cause things to happen, to affect events.
Me: having a say irl, expressing and feeling empathy for myself. I feel.. equal and healthy, and it is an amazing feeling!
anita
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