Dear Zenith:

Good to read from you, and especially good to read that you are happy (at the least you were five hours ago). I like it very much that you decided where you’ll stay during the visit and let your husband know your choice: assertive!

How long will you be there, and what is the anxiety about, in regard to the visit?

And I am fine thank you, relaxing after 4.5 hours work outside.

anita

Dear HenryNahNg:

* This is a very long post because of all the quotes from 2 online sources that I copied and pasted here. Sometimes the result of the copying and pasting is lots of excess print. If that happens, I will re-submit my post without the excess print. Please feel free to read or not to read any or all of the long post to follow.

(I am adding the boldface feature selectively to the following quotes from your two posts:  “I’m navigating the complexities of relationships …Two broken engagements have left me with residual doubts… I’m finding it challenging to discover a form of physical expression that feels completely fulfilling for both of us… What strategies have you found helpful in building a stronger foundation for intimacy and connection?… my biggest challenge lies in my perspective or outlook“-

– your choice of words indicates to me that you intellectualize emotions. It is a defense strategy that creates a distance between you and your emotions. It also creates a distance between you and other people. When you intellectualize your emotions, you suppress them, and suppressed emotions hinder connecting with others on a deep emotional level.

“What strategies have you found helpful in building a stronger foundation for intimacy and connection?”- one excellent strategy would be to stop intellectualizing your emotions.

From psychology today/ how to stop intellectualizing your emotions: “In a world that often values rationality and control, we frequently find ourselves intellectualizing our emotions. This process involves dissecting our feelings, analyzing them, and attempting to manage them with logic. While intellectualizing emotions can be helpful in some situations, it can also lead to a disconnection from our true emotional experiences…

“Intellectualizing emotions is a defense mechanism that serves as a shield against the overwhelming intensity of feelings. It’s the process of suppressing emotions by overthinking, analyzing, or explaining them away… While intellectualizing emotions might seem like a coping mechanism, it often has detrimental effects on mental and emotional well-being. Here are a few reasons why it’s essential to address this habit:

“Emotional Suppression: When you intellectualize your emotions, you suppress them. This can lead to unresolved emotional issues that fester over time, potentially resulting in more significant problems like anxiety or depression.

“Interpersonal Relationships: Intellectualizing emotions can hinder your ability to connect with others on an emotional level. It might make you appear distant or unapproachable, making it challenging to build meaningful relationships.

“Physical Health: Continuously suppressing emotions can lead to physical health issues such as increased stress, high blood pressure, and weakened immune system functioning…

“One of the most apparent signs of intellectualizing emotions is overthinking… Rationalizing is another sign that you’re intellectualizing your emotions. You might find yourself coming up with logical explanations or excuses for why you’re feeling a certain way, rather than accepting the emotion itself.. Minimizing your emotions involves downplaying their significance…

“Learning to Embrace Your Emotions… Practicing self-compassion is a crucial step in reconnecting with your emotions… Mindfulness techniques can help you become more aware of your emotions as they arise. By staying present and nonjudgmental in the moment, you can observe your feelings without trying to intellectualize or suppress them…

“Intellectualizing your emotions may seem like a way to maintain control, but it often comes at the cost of disconnecting from your true emotional experiences. To lead a healthier and more fulfilling life, it’s essential to recognize the signs of intellectualization and take steps to embrace your emotions authentically. The journey to emotional authenticity is a personal one, and it may require time and effort. But the rewards are profound—a deeper connection with yourself, healthier relationships, and improved overall well-being.”

From nick wignell/ intellectualized emotions: “When was the last time you said out loud: I feel sad or, I’m angry? If you’re anything like me, probably not so recently—like, maybe not since you were in elementary school. We adults tend to avoid using plain emotional language to describe how we feel. When asked how we’re doing, it somehow feels strange to simply say I feel sad—as though it’s too childlike and simplistic. Instead, we say much more adult things like: I’m upset or, I’m just spread too thin or, I’m really worried.

“But these more adult words and phrases we use to describe how we feel aren’t really emotions at all. And our habit of using them allows us to think we’re communicating how we feel, when in reality we’re doing the exact opposite — hiding how we feel…

“Intellectualizing your emotions is an unconscious verbal habit of rejecting plain emotional vocabulary and substituting a more vague, conceptual, or metaphorical idea to communicate how you feel emotionally… Saying I’m sad is a little more uncomfortable and raw than saying I’m upset. And to avoid this emotional vulnerability and discomfort, we intellectualize our emotions to keep them at a distance and decrease their intensity.

“We’re able to intellectualize our emotions like this through two tricks of language: 1. Umbrella Terms. Umbrella terms are generic words that act as containers for many possible feelings. If you got fired from your job, there are probably a lot of emotions swirling around your head (mad, terrified, disappointed, confused, despondent, etc.). These emotions can feel less overwhelming when we package them up in the linguistic container of upset… Common umbrella terms include stressed/ stressed-out, weird, upset, fine, okay, overwhelmed, off, etc. 2. Metaphors. Spread too thin is a really great metaphor for what happens when we have too much going on in our lives…  And while they’re illustrative and evocative, metaphors can also be shifty and vague, perfect vehicles for pretending like we’re saying something without actually having to say it…

“Now, at this point you might be wondering.. What’s so bad about intellectualizing my emotions a bit? Especially if it helps me avoid pain? In small doses, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. Your dry cleaning guy doesn’t need to know the intimate details of your guilt over that argument with your sister-in-law… A little emotional suppression allows society to function. But when that emotional suppression and hiding becomes a firmly ingrained habit that we can’t shut off, it makes us rigid and inflexible. Specifically, when we’re in a habit of not talking to ourselves or others about how we feel in a plain way, it becomes difficult to do so when it’s truly necessary. And this can become problematic in a few ways…

“In my experience, there are three subtle but powerful threats to our emotional health and well-being that come from the habit of intellectualizing our emotions. 1. Lack of Emotional Clarity I see the problem of intellectualizing emotions all the time with my therapy clients who are struggling with some type of mental health issue…  2. Poor Self-Awareness… it’s difficult to change how we feel if we don’t really know how we feel in the first place… By avoiding talking specifically about how we feel, we avoid thinking specifically about how we feel. And if we do that long enough, we really don’t know how we feel. Like any other skill—from speaking French to powerlifting—if you stop practicing, you’ll lose competency. And it’s no different with your emotional life.. So before you can work on improving how you feel, you have to establish the habit of describing how you feel in plain, genuine language. No metaphors, no vague generic terms, just plain emotions: sad, mad, scared, ashamed, disappointed, excited, etc.

“3. Isolation and Alienation The last major downside to being stuck in a habit of intellectualizing your emotions is that it’s isolating. One of the primary ways we human beings forge connections with each other is by being vulnerable and sharing intimate aspects of ourselves with others… While uncomfortable, sharing our feelings humanizes us and makes us relatable. Nobody wants to be friends with someone who’s just fine all the time. We all crave connections with people, not robots…

“How to Stop Intellectualizing Your Emotions Below are a few tips for getting started changing your emotional language away from the intellectualized and general toward the plain and specific. * Awareness… * Prepare Alternatives… Try this: Google ’emotions list,’ print one out, and carry it around with you. Whenever you notice yourself using an intellectualized emotion, pull out your list and find a more appropriate emotional word. Do this enough and those real emotions will get easier to pull up and use on your own.

“* Lean into the discomfort. The biggest reason we avoid using plain emotions to describe how we feel is that we’re afraid that it will be too uncomfortable—either to us or someone else. We worry that if we acknowledge our sadness, we’ll sink back into depression; or that if we communicate our anger, we’ll make our spouse feel guilty. In other words, we intellectualize our emotions because we’re afraid of them and their consequences. But while emotions can be uncomfortable, they’re not dangerous—no one ever died from guilt or became depressed because of sadness (in fact, there’s pretty good evidence that it’s the avoidance of sadness that leads to depression). In any case, to get over our fear of our own emotions, we need to start being willing to experience them and build up resilience. Start small: Instead of telling your spouse you’re just tired, explain that I’m a little frustrated that you…

“Wrapping Up Expressing how we feel in plain, clear language can be surprisingly scary and uncomfortable. And in order to avoid this discomfort, we all tend to intellectualize our emotions—to take a genuine emotional feeling like sad or scared, and verbally wrap it up in a less intense idea like upset or stressed. While this is a natural and even useful tool at times, it can come with serious downsides if it becomes a mindless habit and our standard operating procedure including staying stuck in mental health struggles, having trouble with personal development goals, and getting caught in cycles of isolation and loneliness. But in small ways we can begin to change our emotional language by consciously choosing to use real emotion words to describe how we feel.”

Back to your words, HenryAnhNg: “the emotions surrounding these past relationships can still be intense.. I haven’t been able to communicate this openly with her“- you can, if you would like to, communicate openly here, in your thread, by doing this exercise: translate your Intellectualized Emotions Writing (IEW, if you will), into Real Emotions Writing (REW). For example, taken from the 2nd paragraph of your original post (I am not you, of course, therefore the translation is my own, offered as an example of what it could be for you, but not necessarily so):

“My first hurdle involves overcoming past relationship experiences. Two broken engagements have left me with residual doubts about my ability to fully commit and trust in marriage“- I feel sad and scared because two of my previous relationships ended badly for me.

anita

Dear Arie1276:

On March 27, 2022, you shared that long ago, at a bar, a guy who Amy (your brother’s wife’s sister) was interested in dating flirted with you while she was getting drinks, she saw him touching your hair, and accused you of flirting with him. Fast forward, Friday night, March 19, 2022, you met Amy, her date, her sister, and a couple other people at the winery to watch a local band. Sunday morning,  March 21, 2022, Amy texted you to never talk to her again, used a profanity against you, and falsely accusing you of meeting her date after the time at the winery. You defended yourself, telling her it wasn’t true, tried to convince her that it wasn’t true, but she didn’t believe you, and blocked you on everything.  On that same Sunday, your brother called you, accused you of the same, and used profanities against you. You wrote at the time: “A real friend would have approached it differently. She is no longer my friend over something that was handled like an immature high school girl“.

More than 2 years later, yesterday, May 21, 2024, you shared again about Amy’s text that Sunday after the Winery gathering,  calling you, “a slut and a boyfriend stealer”, and no matter what you said to defend yourself from her false accusations, she kept accusing you. Both your brother and his wife (Amy’s sister) believed Amy and not you.  You blocked the 3 of them from your phone and social media for 3-4 months. Following that, you all reconciled and starting hanging out again.

“Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy. Well, my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me. I said no.  I told Amy this“- knowing that Amy has been jealous of you for a long time, that she believes that men prefer you over her, why- after telling Amy that you wanted to set her up with your male friend – did you tell her that your male friend likes you and wants to date you?

After you told her, she said negative things about you, and your brother and his wife, once again, believed Amy. You haven’t spoken to your brother and his wife since, and you and Amy haven’t spoken in a few weeks.

“I guess I just need some advice on how to deal with this type of situation or if anyone out there has been through this. What upsets me more is that my own brother turned his back on me and basically is sticking up for his sister n law!!!!!!“- if it is possible for you to get everyone (your brother, his wife, Amy and you) to attend family counseling/ therapy together, that would be best. In the counseling session, hopefully everyone will get to express themselves without profanities, for the purpose of conflict resolution. You will express how you feel being falsely accused, being called names, and the others will get to express themselves.

Conflicts and misunderstandings resolved, closeness between you all can be restored, I hope!

anita

Dear Robi:

You are very welcome. Thank you for taking the time from the middle of your English class to send me this note. You’ve often expressed appreciation for my time and efforts, sending a positive sentiment my way: it shows me that you are an empathetic person.

anita

Dear Meatball:

On May 4 (Saturday), you wrote: “Thursday again while at work she texted saying that she ‘‘is all in and wants to do the work’… She’s been texting / calling the entire weekend and wants to make things work. I just don’t know what to do.”-

– since then, you decided on what to do, and that was (1) to take her word, that she is all in, and wants to do the work, that she wants to make things work, which she texted you May 2, twenty days ago, and throughout the following weekend, less than 3 weeks ago, (2) to let her and her daughter stay in your house rent/ expense free and (3) to attend couple therapy with her, and have her attend individual therapy, all financed by you, if I understand correctly.

This is very generous of you and it is a very loving thing to do. She needs to appreciate your love and efforts at least as much as I do (a person who never met you in-person), and this means that she needs to keep her word to you, and keep doing the work required.

May 22: “(The therapist)  basically told her that ‘IF’ she’s willing to do the work it will take years of therapy to help her. I’m cautiously optimistic!“- I support your optimism and caution, and I ask you to take good care of yourself first, on a regular basis, every day, because your mental health matters no less than hers, and if you don’t take care of your own mental health, you  will not be able to help her on the long-term.

I am adding quotes from a few online sources that are very interesting to me, a complex trauma survivor myself. Reading, copying and pasting the following is helpful to me, and I figure it may help you as well. It may help you with a better understanding of what she needs in a relationship with a therapist, and what she needs in a relationship with you (“Safety first…  a physically and emotionally secure environment… Trustworthiness and transparency… honesty, reliability, and clear communication… providing choices… to restore their sense of control…  patience, understanding, practical support, and encouragement… listening, validating their feelings, and reassuring them“, see below):

Very well health/ what is trauma: “Trauma can either be physical or emotional. Physical trauma is a serious bodily injury. Emotional trauma is the emotional response to a disturbing event or situation. ..* Acute emotional trauma is the emotional response that happens during and shortly after a single distressing event. * Chronic emotional trauma is a long-term emotional response a person experiences from prolonged or repeated distressing events that span months or years. Additionally, complex emotional trauma is the emotional response associated with multiple different distressing events that may or may not be intertwined

Sandstone care/ types of trauma: “Type 1 trauma refers to an unexpected, single-incident trauma. Also referred to as ‘Big T’ or acute trauma, it is commonly related to Post-traumatic stress disorder. Examples of Type 1 traumatic events can include: * Violent or sexual assault * Life-threatening illness or serious injury * The traumatic loss of a loved one or someone close to you… Type 2 trauma, also known as complex trauma, refers to trauma that may involve childhood experiences or traumatic experiences during early development. Repetitive trauma is also a type 2 trauma where trauma is repeated. Complex trauma often becomes part of a relationship in which a person becomes stuck. This occurs in situations such as child abuse from caregivers. Common examples of type 2 traumatic events can include: * Childhood abuse * Domestic violence… * Bullying…

Psychology today/ trauma processing, when and when not: “Research has found that telling the trauma story is ineffective in bringing relief from symptom of trauma and sometimes can be harmful (retraumatizing)… A heavy focus on telling the traumatic story reflects outdated notions of what trauma does to people and how to treat it. Traumatic memories are not stored in a way that they can be deeply accessed by verbal interactions based on cognitive or logical processes. Trauma is stored somatically, that is, in the body…  Traumatic memories reside as frozen experiences within…

“If we begin therapy by focusing on the trauma story itself, the risk is high that we will add to the injury and pain. Early work should focus instead on restoring a sense of safety, on helping the survivor to discover and draw on their resources, and on self-regulation. Only after a client has been able to achieve a reduction in the alertness that typically follows trauma and a strengthened awareness of resources for coping with stress should we consider strategies that directly deal with the trauma story. Such preparation reduces the odds that reviewing the trauma will cause emotional flooding and retraumatization”.

Positive psychology/ trauma informed therapy: “Trauma-informed care… is based on a number of crucial principles that are essential for successful therapy:… 1. Safety first The primary focus is creating a physically and emotionally secure environment, including maintaining confidentiality and establishing clear boundaries to help survivors regain control and trust. 2. Trustworthiness and transparency Essential in trauma therapy, trust is built through honesty, reliability, and clear communication, forming the bedrock of the therapeutic relationship. 3. Empowerment and choice Addressing the powerlessness often felt by trauma survivors, autonomy involves providing choices, involving them in treatment decisions, and recognizing their strengths to restore their sense of control”.

Hopeful heart counseling/ stages of trauma recovery explained by a therapist: Helping a loved one through trauma recovery involves patience, understanding, practical support, and encouragement to seek professional help when needed. Providing basic needs such as food, shelter, and transport, as well as assisting with finances and childcare, can offer invaluable support during this challenging time. Being emotionally there for your loved one is also crucial; listening, validating their feelings, and reassuring them can significantly impact their healing process. Encouraging them to seek professional help when necessary and offering your unwavering support can make a world of difference in their recovery journey… How can I support a loved one through trauma recovery? Provide practical and emotional support, and encourage professional help when necessary – these are the best ways to support a loved one through trauma recovery”.

anita

Dear Arie1276:

I am very pleased to read from you again! We first communicated in your first thread on Feb 16, 2022. That was..  less than 2 months before you met your current husband for the first time (April 1, 2022).  After not posting for about 2.5 months, you submitted a post for me on March 21, 2023 and on  June 4, 2023, telling me that you are doing well, that you were married for 10 months at that point, and that you went on a nice vacation with your husband 2 weeks before, that it was like a 2nd honeymoon.

I wasn’t able to reply to your 3/21 and 6/4 posts because I deleted my account sometime in Feb 2023. Soon after I returned to the forums, under a different account, I submitted a post for you in your previous thread, on Sept 15, 2023 (“Dear Arie1276: I hope that you are still doing well, over three months since your last post above. I don’t know if you are still following the activity on your thread, so if you are reading this and would like to talk further, please let me know”).

Again, good to read from you again!

And now to this thread and your original post:

“The following morning, I received a nasty text from her. She proceeded to tell me I was a slut and a boyfriend stealer…“- yes, I remember, you shared about this before, and I remember that it greatly distressed you.

“We did end up reconciling and started hanging out again.   Then I was gonna play match maker and set up a date with a male friend and Amy.  Well my male friend confessed he liked me and wanted to date me.  I said no.  I told Amy this“- oh, oh. I wish you didn’t tell her that, it’d only cement her jealousy!

“and again she accused me and told me she didn’t trust me and I steal everyone…  She would also not speak to me or any of my family members during family gatherings. Instead she would cling to her bf like someone is going to steal him from her.  Which is sad! Real friends don’t act this way“- I would completely give up on the idea of being friends with her, and no longer hang out with her outside family gatherings to which you are both invited as family. And I would keep a polite, light and minimal exchange with her during the family gatherings; nothing more, nothing less.

anita

Dear Robi:

As I read, yet again, and more thoroughly this morning, through your first 2 threads and parts of your third, my challenge was  to copy and paste as little as possible from all your massive writings, so to not be distracted, so to create a clear, focused picture in my mind.  And indeed, following 5 hours of reading and studying, I see something major that I didn’t see before. First the quotes, then my comments:

“I still feel uncomfortable around them and I still don’t feel connection.. I was very attached to them as child (very young  barely remember something)… About one thing I am sure. They never gave me privacy or the feeling of freedom…  I never had my own space… I felt controlled… Being a big part of my childhood trapped in their workplace (June 8-10, 2018).

“If I stay here I will always be helped by my parents and I will always feel controlled… I would describe both of them as being anxious and disconnected. My father never makes eye contact with me… my parents never had fun, never really had a social life.. inactive” (Dec 7, 2018).

“I finally made it back to Spain.  For the last week while still home, I felt really anxious and unsure about coming here. I was starting to even consider possibilities like becoming a police officer in my home town… But I left anyway on the 5th of February. My mom took me to the airport, I flew and I was here again. I was very tired from the long trip and I felt extremely anxious and unsure… I arrived few hours ago and I was already thinking about going back. Everything looked so intimidating… I am too anxious to be here. I wanted to call them and tell them I am going to come home” (Feb 8, 2019).

“Up until the age of 29 I was basically fully and later partially supported by my parents. I have to admit, although comfortable, there was a lot of frustration in me because of that. I wanted my independence… During the period when I was fully independent, every time we talked on the phone they would offer to help me financially If I needed it. They would even insist… It’s Christmas!.. We went to spend a couple of weeks with my parents… I wanted to ask my parents for their financial support in order for me to become a Personal Trainer… At first, my mother was thrilled – ‘oh, finally! you’re doing something! we were worried about you. why didn’t you tell us earlier? I give you the money right now if you want!’.  That felt good! It felt like a welcoming hug… She cornered me and started a fight – told me I didn’t care about them and I only cared about myself… she said to me – ‘You’re living in 3 days. From that point, you’re on your own’ She didn’t talk to us for the next days…  I called my mother 10 days after we left… I ended up listening to a 40 minutes monologue – her telling me how bad many things I’ve done as a kid and that I deserved to be hit. And she was joking when she told me I’d be placed into foster care” (Feb 18-19, 2024).

“Very often I’ve heard from them (actually my mother mostly) things like: ‘please don’t forget us’, ‘keep calling us’ , ‘don’t leave us’… Me being financially supported by them does keep us connected– so I see indeed a good reason there to keep the status quo… As for my mother, your description is perfect. ‘crazy – not sensible or reasonable. She seems bitter, angry, chronically stressed, perhaps, unaware/ having no insight into herself or into others.. unpredictable, impulsive’… Her traumas are showing in her body, but she doesn’t hear it. I am very often worried, and I find it hard to live my own life knowing she needs so much help” (Feb 20, 2024).

“I don’t miss being controlled and observed by my parents all the time though. But does it have to be like that?… I think I can set my boundaries better now. I’d like to be able to go back to what I believe is partly my house, to the country I grew up in, without being afraid of becoming a trapped kid again. I don’t want to be avoiding going there – that place should be a place where I can feel at home and I don’t want to run away from it” (May 16, 2024).

“In the last 4 years, I’ve spent about 2 to 3 months a year living there… I often felt uncomfortable around my parents… we don’t really have that much to talk about… in the last years I was working online so I’ve had my own source of income – although they didn’t really let me pay for many things and always insisted on paying for everything –  treating me like a guest…  Having their words of disappointment and discouragement is quite literally the last thing I need right now” (May 18, 2024).

“I was working from home, very often in the garden and in my free time I was doing my workouts and spend a lot of time in the nature. I was be mostly on my own when I was there.  They live in a much bigger house now, where I finally have my own room and a separate entrance –  so in that respect I do get a lot more privacy. The worst part was the fact that we don’t really talk much when I’m there.. There isn’t that much to talk about.. so they watch a lot of tv and just go on with their day. I do my thing… I do believe there are ways for us to heal and accept each other more. They have no one else but me… I see they are suffering on a daily basis..  my mother is stuck on her phone almost non stop scrolling social media – she’s heavily addicted. She cannot listen to more than 10 seconds of any of my stories without getting distracted and tuning out. At the end of my conversation there will usually be no reaction from her.. she just has no idea what I’ve said to her…. Her body shows her all the pain she hasn’t worked on…  Both of them feel miserable most of the time. I clearly see that and I feel sorry for them.. I really do. They often say they love me very much and I’m the most important to them. (I know.. I don’t much competition do I ?)…I still think we can be a family…I think they would feel disappointed if I left Spain. While I lived in Poland they encouraged me to move back to Spain” (May 19, 2024).

My comments/ the picture I see: at the edge of the picture, I see that financial independence on your part will not change the ways your parents behave toward you. They will not treat you like an adult when you are financially independent from them.

At the center of the picture, I see that what stands between you and further adulting is, not your financial independence, but your excessive emotional attachment to your parents. This part is a surprise to me. Your early-on and many shares about how disconnected it’s been in your home growing up and still, how uncomfortable you feel around them, how you don’t like them, or hate them, etc., I didn’t think that you were emotionally attached to them (not since you were in kindergarten, that is, as you shared).

But I was wrong. Notice what you shared above, on Feb 8, 2019, it clearly shows intense attachment to your parents, excessive, for an adult. Notice how their offer of money during Christmas of last year felt like a “welcoming hug”. And most recently, on May 19, 2024, your strong attachment to them is evident, still wanting to be a family after all these years of disconnectedness.

And the strangest thing that I see today, strangest because it didn’t occur to me before, is that your parents are way less attached to you than you are to them: both have been miserable while you lived there with them, your father doesn’t create eye contact with you, was never  involved in your life, neither was your mother, neither listens or talks with you about matters that interest you; your mother having threatened to send you away to foster care, and during Christmas of last year, she told you that in 3 days after the visit with her, you’d be on your own. And notice how encouraging they have been for you to live away from them,  in Spain. Most recently you were afraid to tell them that you are leaving Spain and heading.. their way, afraid that it will disappoint them.

I think that your parents are and have been just too.. stressed to be attached to you, too stressed to invest in a relationship with you. Just like she expressed to you last Christmas, paraphrased: it’s been too stressful, too difficult for her to be a mother.

If you consider what I wrote here, if you find it to be true, it may weaken your attachment to them, motivate you to not try to connect with them (that’s likely to increase their stress), and make you able, emotionally to make a life for yourself, your own life, your own way! It doesn’t mean that you need to cut contact with them.. just not live with them, and limit the length of visits.

anita