Dear Seaturtle:

“Anyways, my point is, F was my worst CCP, believe it or not N was an upgrade from him, which is why I think I put him on a pedestal for so long”-

– imagine choosing your own Aware- Seaturtle’s standards of what a good partner means is in your life vs relative standards, (relative to your father, in this case). A highly vibrating crown chakra will not be confined to one’s childhood/ past standards.

“Ending things with N, was sort of like how I felt when I moved out of F’s house… when I first left their home I released this enormous backpack of responsibility to wonder what they were thinking/feeling and how I could solve it”- imagine a carefree childhood where the child does not worry about what her parent is thinking and feeling.

“I do have a big heart, I know this about myself. My ability to empathize can be too much… My capacity to love is intense, I am very thoughtful when I love someone, this was something I wished to have in return from N… When I tried to bring it up, like ‘you know if you did …. it would mean SO much to me.’ But he would then make me feel badly for even mentioning it, like I didn’t accept him the way he was…which I guess is what it was! Little did I know he literally didn’t know how, he wanted me to accept that he just ‘didn’t know how,’ which I accepted as an excuse for a while until I realized he didn’t even want to try to learn, for me…that is true love”-

– your heart chakra vibrates intensely. His heart chakra’s vibrations are low. Not his fault. Thing is, no point in hitting a rock with a stick trying to get water out of it (not after a long-enough period of time of hitting it and then understanding what happened/ is happening).

“When I first sought therapy at 17, I thought I needed to vent about my mom, after she broke up the marriage, and was the more obvious wrong doer“- your motivation as a child/ teenager was to please your father (F) because of the two parents he was The Critical One.

“But what caught me by surprise, was my several years in therapy were 80% about F“- because he was the critical parent.

“I have not truly dug into my mom, M, what her impact on me was.. When I first read the bolded line above that you wrote, I thought of M. When I was home for Christmas, my sisters and I had a ‘Sister Disney Day,’ planned, hahah our thing. Anyways my mom tried so many times to guilt us for it, She gets VERY possessive of our time around Christmas… she drank wine and literally cried about it to us. What I learned that night: I felt bad for her…  my youngest sister said ‘just don’t let her sway you…  mom usually convinces you to feel bad for her.’ This was eye opening to me, was my mom emotionally manipulating me?? YES. I then went upstairs, keeping this mind, an ah-ha moment if you will. When I walked in she got very emotional (wine emotional). I was aware of her ‘tears’ THE FAKE TEARS I HAVE WITNESSED! No wonder I believed N’s little tears were genuine, I have been tricked my whole life, been confused on how to spot real ones.. I stayed strong and said ‘mom you know what we have had this planned it is not fair of you to be making us feel guilty about it,’ I could tell she was surprised by my lack of empathy for her, she sort of snapped out of THAT manipulation tactic, and tried another one…  crying because she ‘felt bad’ that we ‘thought’ she was trying to guilt us. It was so eye opening, I saw it all with my third eye, just un-phased emotionally by her, yay! what a release. I got my things and left, saying a kind goodnight.”-

– an Amazing testimony of a 3rd eye- crown chakra highly vibrational cooperation and good work, I am deeply impressed! One lesson: when you spot a possibility of a manipulative technique in-progress, expose it to the possible manipulator. If she/ he expresses any introspection and considers your input, then that’s good. If  he/ she continues with the same manipulative technique but with a twist (like M did in this example, making you feel bad about her feeling bad… over making you feel bad) or changes to another manipulative technique (like F does when he changes a topic, or when he lies), then you know who and what you are dealing with.

I will reply to your 2nd post from yesterday next.

anita

Dear Aware Seaturtle:

“I will respond to your next message in another response since this one seems long“- it is easier for me to respond to shorter posts, and I think the same is true to you, so I will keep my replies shorter as well.

“The big question is when, should I get it over with or wait for more time to be between us, for the emotional intensity to lessen“- it is up to you, of course. Seems to me (and I may be wrong) that unless you get emotionally attached to another man and have a sense of safety in this future relationship, you might react intensely to seeing N again no matter how much time goes by.

“He certainly was a CCP, however he wasn’t worse than my father. I think actually that he was better than F, just enough to where I thought he was a good partner…“- my mother was the biggest CCP of any and all people I came across in my life, a HCP and a CCP. I have to be careful to not project her into other people and see her in them when they are not as bad as her. Again, no one in my personal life even came close.

“He (F)  treated me like I was a bad kid when I wasn’t. Just accused me of things I didn’t do, and judged my intentions behind pretty much everything“- reminds me of the cash incident when N accused you of doing something you didn’t do and judged you for intentions you didn’t have, suggesting that.. you are a bad person.

I thought about it earlier: maybe he was paranoid on that day, didn’t smoke enough weed and was on edge.. maybe forgivable,  a fluke but what is not forgivable that later when confronted with the incident he lied and said he was joking and wouldn’t budge over time, weed or not. The latter brings his behavior to the gaslighting level.

“Anyways, my point is, F was my worst CCP, believe it or not N was an upgrade from him”- I believe you.

“I am not sure how much this is wanting to run from a predator, versus not wanting to run into an ex ever, because of that gut wrenching awkwardness“- can you define or explain what I boldfaced (sometime, no rush)

Coming to think about it, I need to get ready to leave to the 18 degrees cold outside. I will read and reply (got your second post a little while ago) Sat morning.

Before I go, from the 2nd post: “It is just hard for me to accept that everything was N’s fault, that seems like a slippery slope, I must have done some bad too right?“- right, yes, surely. I used to struggle with this a LOT. It took me a long time to endure the fact that I did wrongs and hurt people, and understand that becoming a mentally/ emotionally healthier person equals becoming a better and better person. We live in a world where emotional sickness and hurting people is rampant and massive, no wonder .. no wonder we are all (almost all..?.) hurt people who hurt other people. This state of the world is not a license to do bad, of course. It’s just that we have to look at the bigger picture with that 3rd eye and process it with a vibrating crown chakra. I’ll write more tomorrow,

anita

Dear Blazkowich:

“I just told her you’ve all the time for your guy friends but when it comes to me you need space, also I vented to her friend how she dumped me just because I offered support when she’s grieving her cat’s loss and her exact wordings… the fact remains the same that I tried to offer support and in-turn I got dumped. It just felt so unfair, like what else I was supposed to do? Watch her suffer alone and do nothing about it?”-

– sadly, your expressed support didn’t come across to her as support. I suppose that you needed her more than she needed you. Does this read true to you, that you needed her more than she needed you?

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Similarly I feel this way about getting my things from N. My roommate tells me to just get it over with. But I feel like I will know when is the right time.. Do you think this is true? wow as I asked this to you (and myself) I heard the title of my thread again ‘is it gut or fear‘ that does not feel it is quite the right time, or is it intuition or fear? Still hard for me to tell this difference..“-

Wikipedia: “The word intuition comes from the Latin verb intueri translated as ‘consider’ or from the late middle English word intuit, ‘to contemplate’. <sup id=”cite_ref-Webster_dictionary_2-1″ class=”reference”></sup><sup id=”cite_ref-7″ class=”reference”></sup>Use of intuition is sometimes referred to as responding to a ‘gut feeling’ or ‘trusting your gut'”.

Intuition/ gut means knowing something without considering or contemplating it.. you just KNOW it.

You ended your original post on Oct 6, the day you chose the title of your thread, with: “Idk maybe we are perfect for each other and I am self sabotaging, or maybe its the inner voice of my higher self telling me it’s not right“-

– I boldfaced what you referred to in your title as fear, and boldfaced+ italicized what you referred to as gut. What you had in mind back then as fear was the fear of making a mistake and letting a good man go. What you referred to as gut was the part of you that felt that he was not a good man for you.

Fast forward 22 pages, 3 months and five days from the date of your original post to today, your gut is stronger but the fear that you are making a mistake and letting a good guy go still lingers. I think that not trusting one’s gut is a result of  emotional predation, what I started talking about yesterday: the emotional predator starting preying on your heart chakra making his way tup to your crown chakra, promoting fear and self-doubt and robbing you from trust in your gut.

Emotional predators. com: “they claim to be the victim, usually of the person they’re in fact victimizing; they fake sincerity and make emotional displays to influence, intimidate, charm, disarm or seduce others; they pretend to be innocent and ignorant; they trap others in no-win binds where the other person is damned if they do and damned if they don’t…  they isolate and ‘gaslight’ their targets, eliciting in the targets unmerited guilt and doubt about their own sanity; they create havoc, confusion and chaos, and disrupt other people’s natural rhythms… they relentlessly manage their public image, often by omitting relevant facts (lying by omission).
<p class=”has-text-color has-drop-cap has-dark-gray-color”>”All Emotional Predators hide, deceive and avoid. They conceal their true nature and objectives, presenting a false image, often very convincingly. They can’t be safely relied upon. They misdirect your attention away from what’s really important with words and deeds that rarely reflect the full truth. They lie by assertion and omission, for amusement and gain, or simply out of habit. They shift the topic when you try to talk about anything they don’t want to address. They avoid giving direct answers to simple questions or requests, and offer excuses and justifications, rather than change. Often there’s more accurate information in what an Emotional Predator does not say than in what he does say.</p>
<p class=”has-text-color has-drop-cap has-dark-gray-color”>”The more you can commit these traits and behaviors to memory and recognize them in others, the better protected you’ll be. It takes repeated review and experiences to remember new information, so don’t worry if you forget. Books like Protecting Yourself from Emotional Predators are resources you can make notes in and refer back to as often as you need. And rest assured, an Emotional Predator will repeat her behaviors and traits many times.”</p>
On July 29, in your first thread, you described N this way: “He is supportive, he encourages me to do what I LOVE. We are getting better at communication every day…willing to be a stay at home dad or be the bread winner, whatever I want!! He is truly a stand up man, he is so kind and deeply cares for those around him“- he presented himself as these things, his presentation was convincing as far as your family goes (“My family absolutely loves him”, July 29), but in your gut, you felt small and big disconnects in his presentations of himself as a stand up guy:

“I don’t think we are soulmates…  I have been dealing with these small disconnects for a long time but they keep coming back to me. OR is this all just me running away from the most genuine and loving/caring/kind/PATIENT/ would-do-anything-for-me man ?????????????? I really have been having this entire debate in my head for a straight 6-8 months now” (July 29, 2023)- he presented himself in these ways but there were significant disconnects in his presentations that you couldn’t exactly put your finger on.

Back to your yesterday’s first post: “There was a little voice in my head that wasn’t sure if he meant what he was saying. I wondered if it would lead to passive aggression, it lead to me feeling awkward when he did pay for things, such as dinner, park passes or at the grocery store checkout. It is almost like I could feel the energy a bit, but then his words said otherwise so I would ignore the energy I felt”-

– WOW! I read the paragraph right above for the first time this late morning, AFTER writing about deceptive presentations of the emotional predator! His words didn’t fit his energy- you said it yourself. His words were not sincere.

“It was subtle, but I feel like I predicted him eventually admitting he felt a certain way, but I also hoped it wasn’t true and that his words were honest“- again, I am reading this for the first time: his words were not honest!

“His lack of expressing himself caused me to be on guard for something blowing up eventually. As it seems obvious to me that when you hide a feeling for so long it will eventually come out in a burst of energy… later he disregarded what he said, calling it a joke and so forth“- N is a dishonest man in the context of supposedly intimate relationships, the one with you.

You can’t fix interpersonal dishonesty and you couldn’t have fixed it back when you lived with him. Even if you paid the whole rent and all utilities and expenses for the whole time you lived with him, he’d still be him.

“I am more sensitive that anyone I have every met. For example, nicotine, it’s spiritual affects on me was enough for me to never be tempted into it again, even after lots of drinks on NYE when my roommate, M, was using one. I was tempted then remembered the affects on me and that was enough to release the pull on me. I asked her if she feels spiritually attacked in any way..”-

– thoroughly understand and remember the affects N  has had on you and will continue to have on you if you go back to him (continuing to be emotionally attacked by an emotional predator), and it should be enough to release the pull he has on you. You will not be tempted to go back to him.

“Her crown chakra is a little beaming light, I love it, I am smiling as I write this, so sweet”- I am smiling too as I read about your younger sister.

“You see me Anita, it is something that gave me the strength to believe that there is something to see“- you want to be seen and so do I. We are willing to see what is inconvenient to see about ourselves, don’t we? We care about being honest with ourselves and with others for the purpose of seeing and being seen.

N is not interested in being seen as he is, this is why he deceives.

“Well then Anita I hope I have you for a long time to avoid that third condition”- I would like that! (big smile emoji).

“Is little girl seaturtle the same as hatchling?”- yes.

“Thank you for providing me your cannabis disorder research!”- you are welcome.

“This reminds me of myself, I feel the consistent use alongside N, was beginning to cause me to have more anxiety than usual… I stopped doing it regularly with N because I noticed it causes me more anxiety… I think I was on the verge of developing cannabis use disorder myself..”- good thing you stopped.

“– I didn’t understand the above “it prevented him from having dreams“- what kinds of dreams?”

“He told me once or twice about a time in his life he had terrible sleep apnea and sleep paralysis. I think it is because of his football career… part of me admired his mental strength…”- problem is that his mental strength is rooted in interpersonal dishonesty, dishonesty with you. but remember, just as a broken clock is honest twice every 24 hours…

“… I worried that he needed so many substances.., His use of weed in the morning, then coffee, then energy drinks plus nicotine for lunch, then he would get home and said he hadn’t eaten all day.. it physically aged him and mentally depleted him. He wasn’t always like this, it was more towards the last couple months of our relationship. Because in the first year of our relationship he quit a lot of these things..”- this made me feel empathy for him, and concern.

“I wondered this before too, him saying he would stay home with kids if I wanted. At first I thought that was thoughtful of him to offer, to offer to support whatever I chose. But then I wondered about the weed and worried for future children that he wouldn’t attend to them properly, then lie and say everything went well..”-

– best you can do is to not get back to him, including: to not bring children into a relationship with him, and to wish him well. Accept what you cannot change in life, and change what you can, as the Serenity Prayer says. You can’t change his past, who he has become, and who he will continue to be, getting worse, so it seems. It is very sad, but if you went back to him, you’d hurt yourself further, possibly bring children to get hurt… and all along not helping him at all.

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

“I believe we possess the power to bend reality to our liking“- to shape reality to our liking, that is, to change the parts of reality that can be changed for the better, we first have to see reality as it is: to not turn a blind eye to and deny the parts we don’t want to see, and to not make believe reality is better than or different from what it is. We have to have the courage to see the good, the bad and the ugly, so to speak. We may have the opportunity to change for the better only what we see as-is.

It is not just you. It’s her, it’s me… We all deny or minimize what we don’t want to see, it’s natural, instinctive.

“In general I have never had attachment issues in our relationship before – at least not that I was conscious of… It isn’t the first time I feel anxious about our relationship. Truth be told I have gone through many instances where internally and privately I have felt this fear of abandonment in our relationship“- you did have attachment issues in the relationship, but in the first sentence, you preferred to deny it.

“It isn’t the first time I feel anxious about our relationship…I have been extremely conscious of not showing that side of me to her“, “She acknowledged that she has become distant, but insisted that it isn’t because of me and that she has become this way with everyone in her life… she tells me… she is experiencing negative things that don’t appear to have anything to do with me… She even assured me once that the problem isn’t me and that if it was she would tell me”-

– the side of you that was anxious about the relationship did show. She saw it. This is why she assured and reassured you that.. it wasn’t about you.

“Things have changed rather abruptly in the last few weeks… She said she is sleeping more, feels like she is going through the motions“- things probably didn’t change as abruptly as you think they did. I am guessing that she’s been going through the motions for a while before you noticed.

“I could see that she was becoming increasingly distant…  She then came to me telling me that she does need some space… She even assured me once that the problem isn’t me and that if it was she would tell me… how am I to know if she is trying to indirectly break-up… I can’t even trust my own mind. I don’t know what to believe and whether the thing I believe in one moment is the rational thing to believe or if it is paranoia clouding my judgment?…  I’m thinking of the person that I know, or knew, for the last year. The one who was so joyous and emotionally connected”-

– if you message her, let her know that you want to get to know her just the way she is (the good,  the bad and the ugly, so to speak). Tell her that you are strong enough (if it is true) to hear what it is about you that turned her off to you. Tell her that you can handle it. Invite her to talk to you, to be truly heard. There may be hope there.

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

It was not a lie, of that I am sure. And your love for her is not a lie, it is true and real.

I don’t know what’s going on in her mind and heart: what is she thinking, what is she feeling? Thing is, you don’t know either. At the least, you deserve to know some of what she’s been thinking and feeling about you in the last 8 days. You deserve this information. My suggestion that you message her was about just that: getting the information you deserve to have.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

I was so happy to see that you posted (following my last post to you this evening, about half an hour ago) that I exclaimed out loud something like: Ahh!

I will reply to your post above and to what you may post later tonight on Wed morning. .. oh, I just got your most recent post that you posted just now, “calm enough to wind down” reads good enough to me, Good, vibrationally restful might, precious, special Seaturtle!

anita

Dear Justaguy01:

When you offered her to have the space that she appeared to need, it was a good idea in theory. But in practice, it was not a good idea because it’s been too difficult on your end. In your most recent post of a few minutes ago, you again think in-theory (“eventually, if I see.. then…“), but in practice, eventually is excruciating.

I don’t want you to suffer, and I never met you. I wonder if she is wondering how you are feeling, whether you  are suffering or not. Shouldn’t she wonder…?

anita