Dear Zenith:

“It reminds me of my college days. When I stayed in dorms I had a roommate who started ignoring me when she met her new friend“- this memory of yours reminds me that I too am very sensitive to being ignored and other people being preferred/ chosen over me. This is a very painful experience in my own childhood, growing up and since, although I am getting better at not overreacting, emotionally or behaviorally.

If I see a person attending to someone else, laughing with someone else, not including me, I automatically feel hurt and angry, but when I talk to myself and look at the situation from a different angle, I feel better. For example, I think to myself: sometime I too attend to one person and I don’t include others (and I should include others whenever possible and appropriate), or I think: this person enjoys talking to that other person, that’s all it means. It’s not a reflection of my worth- or lack of.

anita

Dear Clara:

You are welcome, and thank you for the invitation to ask you again how you are feeling/ doing.  “I have some ups and downs, but definitely a lot more ups than downs. Or, more neutral/ calm than downs“- recovery in-progress!

“I think asking her move away ASAP is the right thing to do“- yes, it was the right thing to do.

“I just didn’t know whether the ‘how’ is ‘ok’, and the emotions in between is ‘ok’ or not, like I told her off and said she was an idiot...”- emotions get messy during difficult, challenging times. We are not a perfect specimen, as you know. When I say things I regret later on, I make a mental note of what not to say in a similar situation in the future, and I pretty much let go of it.

“I have grown from there and it is as if my lens for my family has changed. There is a sense of calmness when I am at my parents home now, previously I felt easier irritated by little things. So, I think, this is definitely a huge plus of her leaving me… The other day, I gave my mom a proper, big hug. As Asian we don’t really show that much affection…  Very interestingly she almost hugged me immediately without hesitation… I was trying to solidify that secure attachment feelings and I think it worked… this should have built my ‘family island’…The whole realization of the secure attachment, calmed my nervous system– excellent attitude and work, Clara!

“I got myself some plants today… Now that her things are gone I have plenty of space and I am trying to fill the places with things I like“- I think that to fill the space left by her moving out with plants is a way better choice, at this point, than to fill it in with a pet, or a tattoo. Good progress overall, Clara, I am impressed!

anita

Dear YoungMufasa:

In my reply, I will explore my feelings and attitudes as I try to understand your situation (and myself) better.

“I had one relationship in the past, but it was short-lived and not physical. Since then, I’ve tried online relationships, which can be hit or miss—fun at times, but ultimately unsatisfying since they’re all digital… I also have a habit of watching porn and masturbating before bed“- I grew up with, and still carry shame in regard to sex. As I typed the previous sentence, it was even difficult for me to type the word “sex” (yet I typed it again, lol). Therefore, as I read about you masturbating before bed, having had some image of what it looks like, I was somewhat uncomfortable and judgmental. It is as if I wish humanity (and the animal kingdom) was not sexual. And yet, reality does not accommodate my attitude and wishes, and sex continues to be a powerful force, generally more powerful in males because of testosterone (the male sex hormone).

Overcoming my unrealistic attitude means that I remove my judgment of you masturbating: I understand that a male sexual drive is a very powerful one. It is not a matter of choice; it’s a matter of nature.

“Now that I’m working in a job that involves frequent travel in the hotel industry, I’m feeling like I’m not ready for a serious relationship yet and am more interested in exploring different types of relationships and experiences, including dating women from various ethnic backgrounds like Asian, Latina, Romanian, and Italian. I feel like I don’t want to miss out on these experiences before eventually settling down and finding a serious partner. I know it’s absurd“- I wonder if your interest in dating (having sex with) women of different ethnic backgrounds has to do with having watched porn involving women of different ethnic backgrounds..?

Which brings me to my attitude about pornography: I dislike it very much, and wish it didn’t exist. I think that although it provides a service short-term, it harms long-term.

Back to you: I understand that nature is behind your sexual drive, and technology is behind you watching porn, the industry that accommodates and profits from this part of nature, and I think that your desire to perhaps copy the experiences you watched on the screen, irl, could be a problem: when eventually settling down with a serious partner, will the porn images and.. creative ideas disappear? Will you still be watching porn because it’s a habit?

“My high sex drive makes me feel like something is missing, especially since physical touch is important to me“- Your high sex drive needs a real person to touch and be sexual with, so clearly, something (a real person) is missing.

“I’m looking for some advice or insights on how to navigate these feelings and desires and probably some solutions.”- my advice: begin the process of breaking the habit of watching porn (start at the present time, way before you consider a serious relationship). A quick online search just now brought me to psychology today/Addicted to Porn? How to Get Back in Control, and very well mind/ How to Stop Watching Porn.

I just read that within a serious relationship/ marriage, some couples who both watch pornography (each supporting the other watching it) report that it helps their marriage, but otherwise, and most commonly, it harms marriages. From Utah State University/ effects of pornography on relationships: “Within couple intimate relationships, pornography can have negative impacts in the following ways… : * User faces difficulty becoming sexually aroused without pornography… * Pornography consumption may be correlated with increased behaviors of hooking up and infidelity. * Partner feels sexually inadequate and threatened by pornography use. … * Both user and partner experience decreased relationship sexual satisfaction and emotional closeness. * Relationship trust decreases due to dishonesty and deception about pornography use…”.

I would like to read your response, YoungMufasa, to my reply.

anita

Dear Zenith:

“I felt better when I read the article. But…“- But OCD took that feeling-better away from you, telling you that your case is different from the article-author’s case, therefore her solutions (“1. Accept the relationship as it is…2. Challenge your faulty beliefs…3. Practice a new way and let go of expectations”) don’t apply to you.

But the author’s solutions do apply to you, Zenith, regardless of this or that difference (no 2 stories are identical).

The author wrote: “I became aware of this mantra that I had been repeating in my head: ‘I don’t belong.’ This belief was like an infection, poisoning my mind and tainting how I saw our friendship”-

– her mantra/ core belief was “I don’t belong”.  How would you word your mantra in regard to this friendship, the mantra  that keeps adding fuel to your OCD and making you suffer?

anita

Dear Zenith: yes, I can see the post with the link, but I will be away from the computer, probably till Sat morning.

anita

How are you, antarkala?

anita

Dear Greg:

“I was literally battling up with malaria yesterday. Perhaps I’ve recovered now and feels physically fit“- I hope you did recover, Greg!

I am not any kind of expert at proofreading (and English is not my first language), or at applying for scholarships (in the U.S., in South Sudan or anywhere else in the world), so please keep that in mind as I do my best proofreading and commenting on your niece’s two answers (my comments are in parentheses and my re-writing suggestions are boldfaced):

Answer 1: Dear Admission officer, As a dedicated student with a passion for community service and leadership ( (I would write more directly: I am a dedicated student with a passion for community service and leadership, and), I have consistently sought opportunities to grow both academically and personally. My journey has been marked by academic excellence, active involvement in community work, and a commitment as a housewife too,  leading with integrity and purpose. (add detail, ex., if her household includes children: and a commitment as a housewife, teaching my children to have integrity and purpose in life).

I have excelled academically (give a bit of detail what “excelled academically” means, like what grades did she earn), earning a place on the school ’s List (what is the title of the List? For ex., List of Excellence) for three consecutive years, and being awarded a prestigious scholarship for my hardworking (hard work) in (the) science section at Kuajok Comprehensive College. My coursework in sustainable development (I would underline or italicize “sustainable development”) and participation in a capstone project (again, I would underline or italicize “capstone project”) of academic (delete “of academic”) on renewable energy solutions have equipped me with the knowledge and skills essential for making a meaningful impact.
My commitment to community service is reflected in my work with (the) Samaritan clinic (Samaritan Clinic) as an affiliate offered (delete “offered”), where I volunteered to organize clean-up drives and educational workshops in underprivileged areas. Leading a team of volunteers, I successfully raised awareness about environmental conservation, reaching over 12 community members. This experience not only honed my organizational skills, but also deepened my understanding of the importance of grassroots activism.
In my role as Head perfect (Head Perfect, if both words are in the title of her role, also, underline or italicize it) of the Kuajok Comprehensive College, I spearheaded initiatives aimed at promoting sustainability on campus. This included organizing a campus-wide recycling program and collaborating with local businesses to reduce waste. Navigating the challenges of coordinating a large team and managing logistics, I developed strong leadership and communication skills, which were crucial in the program’s success.
Balancing (a) rigorous clinic hospital with part-time work to support my education and house chores has been a significant challenge. Overcoming this taught me time (self-)management, perseverance, and the value of hard work. Additionally, coping with a major personal loss (perhaps give a minimal detail of the kind of loss, just a few words) during my sophomore year was a turning point that strengthened my resilience and determination to excel.
With a blend of academic excellence, community engagement, and proven leadership, I am confident in my ability to contribute positively to (the) Nursing Program at Ayii  university (University), if award this opportunity (if I am awarded this valuable opportunity). I am eager to bring my skills, experiences, that I’ll earned in this role, and to continue growing as a leader committed to making a difference. (I am eager to bring my skills and experience to the Nursing Program at Avii University, and continue to grow as a leader, committed to making a difference).

Answer 2:  Dear Admission Officer, If given this opportunity to study medicine, I’ll truly (delete “truly”) use this knowledge and experience, that will equipped me with the skills (delete “that will equipped me with the skills”) to address critical healthcare challenges in underserved populations. I am particularly driven to use and improve healthcare in South Sudan, where disparities in access to essential services are profound.

*Educational Background:** My academic journey has been focused on understanding and addressing health inequities. Through the little experience I’ve earned from Tonj Civil hospital (Hospital) and health systems management (underline or italicize “health systems management”), I have gained a comprehensive understanding of the social determinants of health and the strategies needed to combat them. Additionally, my dream is to be (a) medical attendant, to save the life (lives) of vulnerable  people, settings honed (delete “setting” and instead: honing, or refining) my ability to deliver patient-centered care, particularly in resource-limited environments.

“Understanding of the Challenges in South Sudan:** South Sudan faces significant healthcare challenges, including high maternal and child mortality rates, widespread infectious diseases, and a severe shortage of healthcare professionals. The ongoing conflict and displacement have further exacerbated these issues… I envision a future where basic healthcare services are available to even the most remote communities, where maternal and child health outcomes are significantly improved, and where the burden of infectious diseases is greatly reduced. I am committed to ongoing learning and adapting my strategies to meet the evolving needs of the population, ensuring that my efforts have a lasting and positive impact.”- I have no proofreading or other suggestions to this part, reads excellent to me. I like the humility in being “committed to ongoing learning and adapting my strategies”, in combination with her positive attitude/ optimism that she will have a “lasting and positive impact”.

I am impressed by your niece’s intelligence, education and plans to help improve healthcare in South Sudan!

anita

Dear  Bibi:

(I am adding the boldface feature ton the quotes in this post selectively) “I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now and he’s been nothing kind. He’s exactly what I wanted in a guy and more! I loved him so passionately up till recently. I’ve grown bored of him and haven’t craved his company. I suppose during school I had my distractions but now it’s summer”-

– for some time, it was passionate/ exciting: the new relationship and being in school, but then, out of school and the relationship not as new, the excitement was gone, replaced by boredom.

“I hate feeling this way because he’s so kind and perfect. He’s done nothing but treat me right and I can’t seem to love him as much as he loves me. Why???”-

– many girls/ women get bored with good, perfect guys, and excited by bad guys.

“I’ve thought maybe I’ve become bored of him because in my past relationship, my first boyfriend treated my bad“- I wrote the above before I read this part! Maybe bad=exciting, good-=boring..?

“growing up I’d say my childhood was fairly good besides having divorced parents who would fight like nobody was around“- when they fought like nobody was around, that was exciting (a negative kind of exciting: scary, distressing). Maybe you got used to excitement (negative or positive)?

“I’m scared now that the feeling of not wanting him will come back but I’ve tried to be happier about the fact that I love him in my life and I hope I will feel more stable in the future.”-

– from very well mind/ signs of a boring relationship and what to do about it ( the very ending of the article): “It’s perfectly normal for relationships to settle into something more stable and steady over time. But more complicated factors such as poor compatibility, lack of communication, and lack of effort might also cause boredom.”

Dear Strawberry (and Bibi):

“I relate to your statement, a six month relationship and growing bored… I love him but I’m sadly no longer in-love with him. Whenever he texts, I just roll my eyes or ignore it for a while because I just do not want to talk to him and become annoyed when he tries to. It honestly really sucks since he’s amazing and has done almost everything right... I become slightly annoyed whenever someone brings him up”-

– same problem, getting bored, but in addition there is anger at him, something that Bibi didn’t mention (or I didn’t detect it). I wonder if growing up, Strawberry, you experienced a mix of love and anger at a parent/ family member who you were close to?

“I right now don’t completely know what to do, if I want to end things or if I want to see if I will fall for him all over“-

Here is more from the website I quoted from above (for you, Strawberry, and for Bibi): “The early days of your relationship with your partner were likely filled with feelings of excitement and an intense urge to spend time with one another. However, the intensity of those initial feelings often wanes over time… This is a typical sign that your relationship is moving from what is known as passionate love (which is usually more fleeting) into what is known as compassionate love (which is more enduring)…

“Boredom in relationships can also be caused by other factors beyond this natural shift from passionate to compassionate love… The following are a few reasons why you might suddenly feel bored in your relationship: * You have different interests… * You don’t have deep or meaningful conversations… * You don’t make an effort to combat boredom: When you start feeling bored, it is important to take steps to add excitement back into your relationship…

“The key to addressing it is to open up a line of communication with your partner. Be open and honest about how you feel. Once you both understand what is going on, you can either work together to address the problem or talk about other options, which might include couples counseling or potentially breaking up. Ultimately, remember that relationships aren’t always effortless. They take work—even when it comes to keeping the spark alive. There’s no single, simple solution that is right for every couple. However, if you are both willing to commit the time and effort, you can work together to get your relationship back on the right (more exciting and satisfying) track“.

Wishing the two of you (and your boyfriends) well.

anita