Dear Lauren:

(I will be boldfacing some of your words): “So last week I had this random thought that what if my bf isn’t the one for me. Which I remember at the time made me tummy DROP and I felt sick”- a random thought scared you so much. This is what OCD, as I know it from my personal experience, is about: being scared of.. of thoughts.

“the thought of losing him was so so scary”- again, it’s a thought that scares you so very much. There is no danger in a thought, a thought does not present danger to a person.

“I have identified it as hocd… I’m a proper Overthinker about everything…I’m just absolutely obsessed with him”- this is the problem: Overthinking (with a capital O, as you chose to put it), about everything.

“sooo yeh this thought happened and then my mind started wondering, what could break us up and the thought what if I don’t like men and I secretly fancy women… and ever since then my mind has been crazy spiral!!!”-

– thoughts happen to everyone, and lots of them happen much of the time, because it’s easy to think, and thoughts happens fast. Thinking that you secretly fancy women doesn’t make you of any particular sexual orientation, it simply makes you a person who thinks, and can think anything.

The thought I secretly fancy women doesn’t make you of any particular sexual orientation any more than the thought I am an elephant makes you an elephant.

“I got through that time and I was so happy the intrusive thoughts had stopped. But now I’m getting all the same scary thoughts whilst being with my bf which is so so scary“- the thoughts feel dangerous (the danger in your mind is losing your boyfriend), but they are not dangerous, similarly to the non-danger in this thought: what if I am attracted to another man?

“I think it’s part of OCD called false memory”- were you diagnosed with OCD, Lauren? If you were or you will be diagnosed by a doctor, there are treatments for OCD that may be available to you.

“I’m getting awful intrusive thoughts and images of girls being naked and I now don’t feel comfortable around girls and I absolutely hate hate hate the thoughts… I’m so scared of ruining the relationship when it’s all I’ve wanted. I just feel like I need someone to tell me doing stupid stuff like that as a kid is normal and other girls did it!”- if I told you what you want someone (anyone) to tell you, it will at best calm you for just a moment.

What you need is a different relationship with your thoughts: not to hate them, not to love them, not to get scared by them, but to see them as they truly are: temporary, fast, effortless, invisible, tiny mental activity that keeps happening in every human brain that works.

You are scared to ruin your 5-year relationship, afraid to lose the relationship.. or are you afraid to not lose it, that is, as in, to be stuck in it forevermore? Maybe the HOCD thoughts are about resolving the fear of staying in the relationship.

Fear Not Your Thoughts, Lauren.

anita

Dear CutieJ:

Your father used to come back home late and abuse you physically and verbally: “My father physically abused us and yelled profanities when he came back home late after drinking or when he got extremely angry. I was always so afraid at night when he was coming home late, and we could never expect when he was going to (get) pissed off“.

A few days ago, someone else came back home late and you abused her physically and verbally: “she said that she was still at a restaurant and she will be back at maybe 9:30PM… I told her some nasty things… I threw the things she gave to me as gifts. I broke the picture frame… she started picking things up and putting them in the plastic bag to throw away. I stopped her, and she went into the closet to lock herself in. I was so angry, and I punched the TV. I tried to make her say anything, but she looked away to not make any eye contact and froze and shut down. I kept shaking her to get her response. At one point, she put a scissors up to defend herself“-

– to defend herself: she used scissors, you wrote, not to attack you, but to defend herself from your abuse.

Your abuse of her (above quote) included things you could be arrested for, if police were called: (1) when you broke her picture frame and destroyed, or tried to destroy other property (ex., punching her TV), you could have been arrested and charged with Malicious destruction of property (or the like) a crime which a person willfully and maliciously destroys, damages, or defaces someone else’s property.

When she was picking up the pieces of her property (which you broke and/ or threw around in her home), and you stopped her, that’s another crime: Unlawful restraint which happens when one person knowingly and intentionally restrains another person without that person’s consent and without legal justification.

When you were physically shaking her body, that’s the crime of Battery: the intentional, unlawful touching of another person, with the intent to harm, annoy, injure or offend, and Assault: intentionally placing someone in fear that they will be physically harmed or experience offensive contact.

I understand that you often feel anxious, hurt, betrayed, and terrified to breakup (title of your thread), and I hope that you heal and feel better soon. But while you feel anxious, hurt, terrified, etc.,  please do not abuse her anymore: Feeling Badly is No Excuse to Abuse.

My mother felt hurt by me even though I didn’t hurt her. It’s called Emotional Reasoning when you believe something is true simply because you feel that it’s true. Feeling hurt, she felt justified to hurt me in return. I was terrified of her.

You shared that you yelled at her (R), said nasty things to her, restrained her, shook her, broke and tried to break her property, but you didn’t mention any such abuses by her against you. Did she do any such things to you?

You shared about her: “She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled…She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up“- her parents cried and yelled and threatened her a lot, her parents controlled her.

You shared that she lied to you 3 times. Do you think that she lied to you because at times she’s afraid, maybe terrified of you, and feeling controlled by you, while at other times, she shuts down, and yet, at other times she rebels against your control by spending time with her colleagues, lying about it, and having refused to acknowledge you as her partner on social media?

anita

Dear Zenith:

I feel good to read from you! “I hate this never ending saga“- I understand. I wish this saga will be one of the Passing clouds you referred to in the title of your thread.

“My friend texted me asking why I stopped talking to her… I told her she is not putting in the efforts to meet us… She told me that the other group preplans everything as they keep meeting very often and we always call them in last minute… and told me even I said no to her“- hmm, she made two good points. What if you preplan too..?

I know that this pain of being excluded or not being included is deep within you, and it’s a real pain that has its valid reasons in your childhood/ growing up. It makes you very sensitive to current situations, aka this (should be ended, I hope) painful saga.

I don’t want you to suffer like you do, Zenith. I wish you wouldn’t suffer at all.

anita

Dear Prudence:

You are welcome!

“I’d be lying if I said I don’t try to avoid seeking the attention of potential suitors when going out“- so, you do try to avoid seeking the attention of potential suitors when going out.. and you are successful at it.

“I don’t see other girls flirting as often“- so, other girls do flirt.

“my invisibility to men makes me feel inferior to other women“- I know the feeling and I hope that you will not be feeling this way for long.

“I can’t deny that I’m a shy and closed-off person“- you may find it interesting to read an article by Manhattan cbt. com/ shy-dating(part quote): “if you’re shy and trying to date, it can feel impossible!… It’s particularly helpful to keep an eye on the harmful aspects of shyness that can make dating extra tough, such as avoiding meeting people and avoiding people who might be interested in you… General Dating Tips for Shy People..”

“I see other shy and introverted people being successful sometimes“- there are almost cases that are exceptions to the rule, always people who succeed in areas you don’t, and people who fail in areas you succeed.

anita

Dear Klast:

Good to receive another post from you, thank you!

“Have you tried sleep aids like Ashwagandha, or Melatonin?“- I tried melatonin and other over the counter/ herbal aids but they didn’t make a difference.

“Everything in life should be done on a case by case basis, but power and greed stop it from happening“- yes: power, greed and expediency. Online definitions: “the quality of being convenient and practical despite possibly being improper or immoral, The fact that an action is useful or necessary for a particular purpose, although it may not be fair or right”.

One form of expediency on a personal level is a person’s prejudices against groups of people: against short people, overweight people, handicapped people..  men, women, politically conservative people, politically liberal people, people of a particular race, etc. I want to fix my own personal prejudices.

I am thinking of the national and international misuse of power being on the economical-political level, and on the familial- individual level: a parent’s misuse of power against a child leading to a politician’s misuse of power against millions of people.

“knowledge is power“- I think that at times, in some contexts, denial is power. For example, when a person accomplishes the (previously considered/ known to be) impossible. Or when knowledge is too scary for a particular person to endure.

“Che sera sera ‘What will be, will be’. Worrying about something outside anyone’s control… is bad for mental health which is in turn bad for physical health“- very well said. I want to keep this in mind.

“If others reject you for the situation you are in, they were never worthy of you in the first place“- I don’t want to reject others for the situations they are in. I will reject some for how they respond to the situations they are in. I need not respond to a bad situation by creating a bad situation for another, or worsening another’s existing bad situation.

“Most people in my situation end up splitting from their partner because they start putting up emotional walls that push the partner away… I was aware of this so I made sure I didn’t. To this day we are over 20 years strong“- congratulations for 20 years strong, and a very good point!

“Animals know stuff about the world around us that we cant explain, yet. Evacuating the area before natural disasters…“- I want to read from the links you provided and respond further Mon morning (it is Sun morning here).

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary of your second, 40-page thread (Oct 6, 2023). My first reply to you (on any thread) was a week after, Oct 13 last year. There I quoted you (I will change the boldface part in this post): “I do not know if he loves me for me… what do you love about me specifically apart from others… I don’t feel seen… I am not sure he  sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl… I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME. I want to feel like he sees me… who I truly am… I want to explode and just be like “DO YOU SEE ME“.

I commented on that first reply: “…before reading anything about your childhood and parents, it was clear to me that you grew up UNSEEN… I was one of the loneliest girls on the planet, isolated from the inside.. UNSEEN (with capital letters, as in to the extreme), there was an emptiness within me, a heavy, dark emptiness… The darkness within made me a stranger to myself… What a relief it was/ is, decades later, to start seeing ME.  Interestingly, the more I see, the less my need to be special, unique, as in different or better than others”.

Fast forward almost a year, Sept 28, on this thread (the last date you posted): “What comes to mind now, is that a majorly good person is one with good intentions but doesn’t always get that across… a fully good person is (someone whose) intentions are always pure, never contaminated with bias or selfish wants“.

Back to almost a year ago, you wrote: “My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to him… he took normal teenage behavior as me not caring for him... he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations”.

He accused you of having “bad” intentions, such as the intent to avoid talking to him. He took normal teenage behaviors and accused you of having.. abnormal/ bad intentions behind those normal behaviors. To him, you came across early on, as a selfish person.

Correct me if I am wrong about the following: about some of your behaviors, you know that your intentions were good or pure, or that there was no bad intention behind this or that behavior (past and present), and that therefore, your father was wrong to accuse you of a selfish intent.

But sometimes, you do have selfish intents and sometimes you have negative thoughts and feelings about people (including about me), and it confuses you and disturbs you because you think that your father was right after all.

Problem is that every person sometimes has intentions to benefit oneself, and every person is selfish sometimes. Every person sometimes has negative thoughts and feelings about others. But in your case, any such cognitive incident (selfish intents and thinking/ feeling negatively about a person) is further evidence that your father was right and that therefore, you are- not a normal person who is sometimes selfish etc., – but an abnormal person: a fully selfish, narcissistic person..?

anita

Dear Krish:

You are always welcome. “The truth is I do love my father“- children (of any age) love their parents even when angry at them. Underneath the anger, the hurt, the disappointments.. there’s that early-life love for them. A young child looks up to her father for protection, for approval, for help, and she is eager to please this powerful (in the child’s mind) figure. She’ll do anything for his approval.

A young child deeply values a parent, seeing the parent as a god. Too often a parent does not value the child and will treat the child accordingly. You wrote two days ago: “I feel always let down by my family and always they undermine and disrespect me“- undermining and disrespecting is congruent with seeing you as less valuable, less worthy than others (less worthy than your sibling, for one).

After too many disapprovals experienced by the child (undermined, disrespected), the older child/ adolescent/ young adult gives up on seeking the parent’s approval at times (for what would be the point..?) Maybe this is why, even though your parents were not okay with the marriage proposal, you stood ground and got married anyway.

I think that in general, a better question to ask oneself in regard to a parent, or in regard to anyone (better than does he/ she love me?) is: does he/ she treat me as a worthy/ valuable person (not as less than anyone else)?

My mother felt affection for me at times, and behaved accordingly, but when she did not feel affection (when not under the influence of affection, so to speak), she treated me as if I was worthless (verbal and physical abuse). After such treatments, she was back to affection, at times, but I could not forget the less-than treatments and I could not return her affection. From one point on, I was hurt and angry at her on an ongoing basis, and I felt  guilty for feeling angry at her when she was being affectionate.

On her end, she was hurt by my anger (visible on my face). It is as if she did not understand the workings of a person (not understanding that abuse leads to hurt and anger on the part of the abused, and not only during the abuse, but after).

People of any age need respect/ to be treated as worthy individuals and not as less worthy than anyone else. It is a human need, a very real one.  I wonder what you think of my thoughts here.

Love, light and prayers back to you!

anita