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anita

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  • in reply to: “Fate” is the past tense of “Destiny” #438589
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Klast:

    First I must apologise for what I said about how you sound like my wife. It came across a bit mean“- interestingly, when I read  about me sounding like your wife, I found it endearing, it felt nice, not at all mean.

    I’ve been a bit stressed since seeing my therapist, being given all these labels. My BP has gone right up and my GP is getting me to do a raft of tests and scans to eliminate any other physical reasons for my high BP. He put me on medication to lower it, which has a whole raft of side effects itself. It got as high as 150 over 110!“- I am sorry that your blood pressure went up. I read (mayo clinic. org) that there are different levels of BP: Normal, Elevated, Stage 1, and Stage 2. Your reading of 150/ 110 indicates stage 2.  For stage 1, a recommendation is to talk with a healthcare professional about taking one or more BP medicines. For stage 2, the recommendation is to take more than one medicines.

    ‘A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing’ because if you think the knowledge you have is all there is, things can end up going bad… knowledge could be declared not true (too scary to endure). This is when knowledge stops being factual and becomes lies, untruths. Trump likes to play around with this. Flat earthers etc…“- excellent point, especially in this era of acute disinformation and misinformation. The former president is Mr. Misinformation.. Trumformation. I will think more about the too scary to endure truths in my life.

    I thought that people who believed that the earth was flat no longer existed, not since the 20th century started, and then I met a flat earther a couple of years ago, a very memorable meeting. I was bamboozled.

    My father was like this, we haven’t spoken for 20 years. I remember having a dream yelling at him ‘Shades of grey, Shades of grey!, things aren’t just black and white!’ Whereas if you are the other way you have a more colourful high resolution world view. You are more aware and accepting of its complexities both known and unknown“- profound. Seeing the world as black and white is a way to reduce anxiety, a way to feel secure, confident, not confused. Colors are delightful unless they are too bright and hurt the eyes.

    I haven’t spoken to my mother for over 10 years. When she was angry at me, she went on tirades where she portrayed the world as black and white: she was all good, I was all bad.. a very bad person with bad intentions and bad.. just bad. Actually, sooner or later, she portrayed everyone as bad, and herself: as their innocent, all-good victim.

    I’ve always had this desire to explore the universe to the fullest extent I can get out of it. Just like I have always felt all the bad things that have happened to me aren’t the be all and end all. I always had this seemingly unlimited wellspring of hope coming from somewhere unknown“- INSPIRING.

    I’ve always been good with wildlife…  One time someone gave us a large wild parrot with a broken leg, we put it in a cage and fed it for three months while it stood on one leg, then one day it lowered its healed leg. After that it would follow me around like a puppy“- an endearing story!

    Of Eriksons first 7 stages I am pretty much the same as you. The last line of the forward of that link says ‘These stages, however, can be resolved successfully at a later time.’ This is what I think we have both been doing to varying degrees“- yes, we have this in common, resolving stages.. at a later time. Better later than never.

    Maybe, life’s been a bit intense recently.“- yes, better get your BP down before any new challenges. I am fine whether you choose to reply to other members or not. Either way is fine with me. I know quite a few people on BP medication which work well for them. I hope to read good news from you soon. By the way, I have an appointment for a brain scan in a couple of days.

    anita

    in reply to: Does my love life have a chance? #438567
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Prudence:

    You are welcome!

    I’d be lying if I said I don’t try to avoid seeking the attention of potential suitors when going out“- so, you do try to avoid seeking the attention of potential suitors when going out.. and you are successful at it.

    I don’t see other girls flirting as often“- so, other girls do flirt.

    my invisibility to men makes me feel inferior to other women“- I know the feeling and I hope that you will not be feeling this way for long.

    I can’t deny that I’m a shy and closed-off person“- you may find it interesting to read an article by Manhattan cbt. com/ shy-dating(part quote): “if you’re shy and trying to date, it can feel impossible!… It’s particularly helpful to keep an eye on the harmful aspects of shyness that can make dating extra tough, such as avoiding meeting people and avoiding people who might be interested in you… General Dating Tips for Shy People..”

    I see other shy and introverted people being successful sometimes“- there are almost cases that are exceptions to the rule, always people who succeed in areas you don’t, and people who fail in areas you succeed.

    anita

     

    in reply to: “Fate” is the past tense of “Destiny” #438566
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Klast:

    First link: “Dogs’ Brains Sync With Ours When We Gaze Into Their Eyes, Study Finds”- dogs are as emotionally engaged as their human owners when petted or when looking at each other’s eyes.

    Second link: “Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development”: I remember studying this in college. For me, the Trust vs mistrust conflict of the first stage ended with distrust, the autonomy vs shame/ doubt conflict of the 2nd stage ended with big-time shame and doubt, the initiative vs guilt conflict of the 3rd stage ended with big-big time guilt and a huge deficit of initiative, the industry vs inferiority conflict of the 4th stage ended not surprisingly, with inferiority.. identity vs confusion with confusion, intimacy vs isolation with big time isolation, and generativity vs stagnation, from age 30 and onward, I’d say 20 years were definitely stagnation. So, distrustful, ashamed, doubtful, guilty, inferior, confused, isolated and stagnated describe most of my life, sadly. But there’ve been significant improvements on all fronts recently.

    Thank you for the links!

    One of my dogs used to start banging on the back door in the morning, because I had just woken up in bed and hadn’t said anything to anyone about going for a walk to the beach, but somehow he knew“- dogs hearing is way more developed than humans, could it be that he heard a change in your breathing as you woke up?

    Another time I was patting two of our cows and while patting them I visualised a bolt gun at a meat works, immediately they both jumped away from me“- I can’t imagine that they could see the image in your brain.. like mind-reading. I never heard or read that cows’ behavior changes on the day they are scheduled to be killed when there is no actual evidence of what is about to happen.

    I am struggling at stage seven, trying to get out of stagnation and enter generativity. You, my wife and my therapist are helping me in small baby steps to leave stagnation behind and become more generative (helping others, contributing to society and the next generation). Stuff my life long traumas have restricted me from doing so far. Turning my issues and knowledge into wisdom to help others“- thank you for mentioning me as a positive in your life (to whatever extent). I am glad that you are on the right path: from stagnation to generativity, turning your issues and knowledge into wisdom so to help others.. and that your therapist doesn’t want to see you for a month!

    It’s been slow in the forums recently, but this is a place where you can try to help others by replying to other members who ask for help..?

    anita

    in reply to: “Fate” is the past tense of “Destiny” #438550
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Klast:

    Good to receive another post from you, thank you!

    Have you tried sleep aids like Ashwagandha, or Melatonin?“- I tried melatonin and other over the counter/ herbal aids but they didn’t make a difference.

    Everything in life should be done on a case by case basis, but power and greed stop it from happening“- yes: power, greed and expediency. Online definitions: “the quality of being convenient and practical despite possibly being improper or immoral, The fact that an action is useful or necessary for a particular purpose, although it may not be fair or right”.

    One form of expediency on a personal level is a person’s prejudices against groups of people: against short people, overweight people, handicapped people..  men, women, politically conservative people, politically liberal people, people of a particular race, etc. I want to fix my own personal prejudices.

    I am thinking of the national and international misuse of power being on the economical-political level, and on the familial- individual level: a parent’s misuse of power against a child leading to a politician’s misuse of power against millions of people.

    knowledge is power“- I think that at times, in some contexts, denial is power. For example, when a person accomplishes the (previously considered/ known to be) impossible. Or when knowledge is too scary for a particular person to endure.

    Che sera sera ‘What will be, will be’. Worrying about something outside anyone’s control… is bad for mental health which is in turn bad for physical health“- very well said. I want to keep this in mind.

    If others reject you for the situation you are in, they were never worthy of you in the first place“- I don’t want to reject others for the situations they are in. I will reject some for how they respond to the situations they are in. I need not respond to a bad situation by creating a bad situation for another, or worsening another’s existing bad situation.

    Most people in my situation end up splitting from their partner because they start putting up emotional walls that push the partner away… I was aware of this so I made sure I didn’t. To this day we are over 20 years strong“- congratulations for 20 years strong, and a very good point!

    Animals know stuff about the world around us that we cant explain, yet. Evacuating the area before natural disasters…“- I want to read from the links you provided and respond further Mon morning (it is Sun morning here).

    anita

    anita
    Participant

    * I commented in that first reply

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Seaturtle:

    Tomorrow will be the one-year anniversary of your second, 40-page thread (Oct 6, 2023). My first reply to you (on any thread) was a week after, Oct 13 last year. There I quoted you (I will change the boldface part in this post): “I do not know if he loves me for me… what do you love about me specifically apart from others… I don’t feel seen… I am not sure he  sees what makes me special as opposed to another girl… I want him to tell me he loves things about me that make me ME. I want to feel like he sees me who I truly am… I want to explode and just be like “DO YOU SEE ME“.

    I commented on that first reply: “…before reading anything about your childhood and parents, it was clear to me that you grew up UNSEEN… I was one of the loneliest girls on the planet, isolated from the inside.. UNSEEN (with capital letters, as in to the extreme), there was an emptiness within me, a heavy, dark emptiness… The darkness within made me a stranger to myself… What a relief it was/ is, decades later, to start seeing ME.  Interestingly, the more I see, the less my need to be special, unique, as in different or better than others”.

    Fast forward almost a year, Sept 28, on this thread (the last date you posted): “What comes to mind now, is that a majorly good person is one with good intentions but doesn’t always get that across… a fully good person is (someone whose) intentions are always pure, never contaminated with bias or selfish wants“.

    Back to almost a year ago, you wrote: “My dad would accuse me of planning my showers around avoiding talking to himhe took normal teenage behavior as me not caring for him... he thinks I am selfish and is probably why I have fears of being selfish or narcissistic. It is scary when someone tells you that you are coming across a certain way that is unbeknownst to you, it makes me self conscious about how I do come across, which if I let myself overthink this I become awkward in social situations”.

    He accused you of having “bad” intentions, such as the intent to avoid talking to him. He took normal teenage behaviors and accused you of having.. abnormal/ bad intentions behind those normal behaviors. To him, you came across early on, as a selfish person.

    Correct me if I am wrong about the following: about some of your behaviors, you know that your intentions were good or pure, or that there was no bad intention behind this or that behavior (past and present), and that therefore, your father was wrong to accuse you of a selfish intent.

    But sometimes, you do have selfish intents and sometimes you have negative thoughts and feelings about people (including about me), and it confuses you and disturbs you because you think that your father was right after all.

    Problem is that every person sometimes has intentions to benefit oneself, and every person is selfish sometimes. Every person sometimes has negative thoughts and feelings about others. But in your case, any such cognitive incident (selfish intents and thinking/ feeling negatively about a person) is further evidence that your father was right and that therefore, you are- not a normal person who is sometimes selfish etc., – but an abnormal person: a fully selfish, narcissistic person..?

    anita

    in reply to: Does my love life have a chance? #438537
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Prudence:

    No problem, you can respond whenever you have the time.

    Men don’t even look at me (and I notice them looking at others)“- this reminds me that as a teenager I was upset that teenage boys were looking at other girls, approaching them, but not approaching me. Years later, I realized that I wouldn’t know if they looked at me or not, because in their presence, whenever there was a chance that they may look at me, I reacted by looking away, avoiding the possibility of eye contact (I was too shy).

    On their end, the teenage boys, if they see a girl looking away, they assume she is not interested. On the other hand, if they see a girl looking at them, making eye contact and smiling, talking or behaving flirtatiously.. that’s an invitation to be approached. I think that this is true in regard to being approached at any age, not just teenage.

    anita

    in reply to: Should I keep in touch with them #438536
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish:

    You are always welcome. “The truth is I do love my father“- children (of any age) love their parents even when angry at them. Underneath the anger, the hurt, the disappointments.. there’s that early-life love for them. A young child looks up to her father for protection, for approval, for help, and she is eager to please this powerful (in the child’s mind) figure. She’ll do anything for his approval.

    A young child deeply values a parent, seeing the parent as a god. Too often a parent does not value the child and will treat the child accordingly. You wrote two days ago: “I feel always let down by my family and always they undermine and disrespect me“- undermining and disrespecting is congruent with seeing you as less valuable, less worthy than others (less worthy than your sibling, for one).

    After too many disapprovals experienced by the child (undermined, disrespected), the older child/ adolescent/ young adult gives up on seeking the parent’s approval at times (for what would be the point..?) Maybe this is why, even though your parents were not okay with the marriage proposal, you stood ground and got married anyway.

    I think that in general, a better question to ask oneself in regard to a parent, or in regard to anyone (better than does he/ she love me?) is: does he/ she treat me as a worthy/ valuable person (not as less than anyone else)?

    My mother felt affection for me at times, and behaved accordingly, but when she did not feel affection (when not under the influence of affection, so to speak), she treated me as if I was worthless (verbal and physical abuse). After such treatments, she was back to affection, at times, but I could not forget the less-than treatments and I could not return her affection. From one point on, I was hurt and angry at her on an ongoing basis, and I felt  guilty for feeling angry at her when she was being affectionate.

    On her end, she was hurt by my anger (visible on my face). It is as if she did not understand the workings of a person (not understanding that abuse leads to hurt and anger on the part of the abused, and not only during the abuse, but after).

    People of any age need respect/ to be treated as worthy individuals and not as less worthy than anyone else. It is a human need, a very real one.  I wonder what you think of my thoughts here.

    Love, light and prayers back to you!

    anita

     

    in reply to: Should I keep in touch with them #438528
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish:

    I had a toxic father… My sibling was always the favourite… I moved away from them as I am starting a new course in a foreign country. But still my dad says that my sibling is my saviour… my self respect makes me feel that I should renounce the property for good and get estranged from my father and sibling though they support me… I am happy being single the rest of my life and also am not a materialistic person and I want to lead my life in peace . I don’t have dependents and am a minimalist… please suggest me what should I do to ensure am at peace. I don’t want to rely on them not even for a single penny.“-

    – there is a saying, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”. I am expanding this saying to With family like these, who needs enemies?

    I would say: do estrange yourself from people who are poison in your life, no matter their relation, including a poisonous/ toxic father and a toxic sibling. To endure poison because of the hope of inheriting property in the future, particularly when you have no dependents to take care of,  is not a good idea.

    You say that your father and brother currently support you financially. If I was in your place, I’d see to it that I can survive financially without their financial support before ending contact.

    Personally, I ended all contact with my mother for over 10 years.

    anita

    in reply to: I am terrified to breakup #438523
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CutieJ:

    First I will repeat all that you shared (including some of your exact words boldfaced) in a chronological order of events, and after that, I will add my thoughts:

    You grew up in a home where parents fought all the time. Your father physically abused you and yelled profanities when coming back home late at night, after drinking, or when he got extremely angry. You were never able to expect when he was going to get angry, and you were always so afraid at night when he was coming home late. Growing up, you felt desperately lonely, even when you were surrounded by people, and you experienced self-hatred and a low self-esteem.

    During high school, you developed an eating disorder, bulimia, and gained a lot of weight. You also moved to the U.S. during high school and was completely alone in high school.

    In college you were still suffering from bulimia, and having food at home was a scary thing for you. Nonetheless, you  lost a lot of weight, but your body has stretch marks as a result, and you feel that your body is not loveable because of the stretch marks.

    You made a lot of friends during college, one of whom you shared the same friends group and classes. The friendship with her (I will refer to her as R) developed into a romantic relationship. Two months into the relationship, you found out that R was in a 5 year-long relationship with another girl from her home country (I’ll refer to her as G), it being a long-distance relationship at the time you and R met in the U.S. At one point, R texted G a breakup message and G threatened suicide. R paid G’s rent back in the home country for two months and sent her a postcard wishing her well, and said things like she dreamed of them together, and that she feels bad for giving up on them when the time was hard. Later on, when you confronted her about it, R told you that she said those things to G just to make her come back to senses. and R ended all contacts (with G) immediately.

    You and R lived together in the same apartment for a whole year, spending almost 24 hours together. She called you pretty and cute and hugged you a lot, always by your side, helping you out with everything. She taught you how to clean the house, iron clothes, and live a good life. But since the confrontation regarding G, 2 months into the relationship, you were suspicious of her and for 10 months out of the 12 of living together, life has been a living hell for both of you (you and R).

    You asked her to get therapy and to post the two of you on Instagram (like she did in regard to G before), but every time you asked, she said she would, but didn’t.

    After graduating, the two of you no longer lived together and the relationship became long-distance. There were fights (long-distance fights), and after one of those, she said that she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. You agreed to take some time off, but feeling hurt,  lonely and obsessive, you ended up calling her and texting her several times, and (at the time you posted your original post), R was at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue.

    The day after your original post (Wednesday, Oct 2), you travelled to where R lives, and this is what you shared about meeting her: “She picked me up at the airport, she listened to me crying, we talked a little bit about our issue, and we went out and had lunch together. Everything is nice… She told me that she felt like she was emotionally threatened all the time that I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’ She said these things are what her parents told her to control her when she was growing up… I thought about leaving early, as she is going to work in-person Thursday and Friday, and I know I will feel extremely anxious those days. She said that she just wants to be clear that there’s no one, and that’s not why it led our relationship to this point. I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“-

    – And now my thoughts (with more quotes) following hours of reading and studying your two posts: when you met R in college, you were in better shape, mentally and physically, than you were before college, but you were still not prepared for a healthy relationship. There were- and are- unresolved issues that need to be resolved before you can have a healthy relationship with her, or with anyone in her place. This is why it’s very important that you will attend quality individual psychotherapy as soon as possible.

    You feel hurt and anxious, and I understand that you do. But it is not her doing, it’s the doing of your father hurting and scaring his little girl years before you ever met R. Your hurt and anxiety cannot be resolved within a romantic relationship (no matter how close to perfect a partner may be). It needs to be resolved in a professional setting: psychotherapy.

    That R has not been perfect is unquestionable, but no human being is perfect. She had a relationship before she met you, a long-distance relationship at the beginning of her relationship with you. She didn’t end it as quickly as you’d like, but she did end it quite quickly. She was dealing with a suicidal ex, so no wonder she tried to make the ex feel better by telling her (post breakup) that she still somewhat cared. You pressured her with questions, and pressured, she lied twice.

    From what you shared, R is a caring person, a good person who cares about the people in her life. And she truly cared and loved you, you said it yourself: “I know; I know she loved me dearly, and she tried her best to take care of me during this one year“.

    She loved you dearly for 10 difficult months out of the year during which you “got anxious and emotional over everything… was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious“.

    Whenever I brought hard topics up, she would sit down and listen to me, but shut down and just cried“- she cared. She listened to you quietly. Her distress expressed itself through crying after listening to you, not through yelling and accusations.

    How did your distress express itself? Loudly: yelling, accusing her and trying to manipulate her: “I cried and yelled saying things like ‘If you don’t do this (getting therapy, posting me on social medias), you don’t love me at all. You never care.’“-

    – You accused her of never caring while in your original post, you wrote: “She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time” (original post). You accused her of never caring because you felt hurt, so you wanted to hurt her.

    Most recently (yesterday), she still cares: she picked you up at the airport, she listened to you crying, she talked with you about issues, had lunch with you, was nice to you, explained to you that the breakup needs to happen not because there is someone else, but because she felt- feels- emotionally threatened by you.

    “I trust that, but I am scared… I don’t want to be alone..  I don’t want to lose her.. I am still so scared.. Please help..“- try to see that she is hurt too (and has been for a long time), that she is scared too (she might be scared that like her ex, you will have self-harm thoughts as well), and please help her.

    Shift your focus during this visit from your pain to her pain, just long-enough to offer her the safety that she needs. Don’t increase her pain; lessen it instead. Once you do that, you will feel better about yourself. You will feel valuable as someone who is able to help another person. I hope this makes sense to you..?

    Like you, at times I too yelled and accused, and wanted to hurt another because of unresolved issues in my childhood. It was very difficult for me to confront this self- centered part of myself, a part that had hurt others unjustly. I forgave myself only after I corrected (and keep correcting) wrong behaviors. And after I adequately resolved childhood issues that needed to be resolved, such as growing up with a mother who, like your father, physically abused me and yelled, getting unpredictably  extremely angry.

    anita

    in reply to: I am terrified to breakup #438517
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CutieJ: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.

    anita

    in reply to: Does my love life have a chance? #438516
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Prudence:

    You are welcome and you are using the forum well.

    my experiences have been exclusively negative in the real world as well“- would you like to give me an example of a negative experience of dating in the real world: what happened (in some detail: who said what, what conversation ensued, what interactions took place)? I ask because I would like to understand better.

    anita

    in reply to: Should I keep in touch with them #438507
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Krish/ Gayathree

    You are very welcome and thank you for your love, light and prayers. Good to read that you are at peace and secure within yourself!!! I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed morning here).

    anita

    in reply to: I am terrified to breakup #438505
    anita
    Participant

    Dear CutieJ:

    Please be strong at this time, CutieJ. Even though you may be feeling self-hatred and a low self-esteem at this time, truth is that you are lovable. You are worthy of love and you are valuable! It may take time for you to believe this, but once you believe it, you will have peace within.

    She called me pretty and cute all the time. She was always by my side and helped me out with everything and hugged me all the time. Growing up, I felt desperately lonely even when I was surrounded by people, and my self-hatred and low self-esteem, combined with her kindness and love-bombing, created a very unhealthy attachment to her“- I am wondering why you referred to her seeming loving behaviors as love bombing (a form of emotional and psychological manipulation). Do you suspect or believe that her affection, help and kindness were insincere or manipulative?

    It may help you to share about your growing up experience, an experience that I share: I also grew up feeling desperately lonely, with a low self-esteem and with this most problematic inner experience: self-hatred.

    I got anxious and emotional over everything, and I was very controlling over her social group and people she was texting… I dumped all my fear, anxiety, and anger on her, and she felt so pressured and anxious… After one fight, she suddenly said she wants to take some time off, and that she felt like she couldn’t breathe. I was so hurt because I didn’t know it was this serious“- reads like your anxiety fueled controlling behaviors on your part, behaviors that caused or increased her anxiety.

    I obsessed over the thoughts of us every single day. Every moment was so painful. I ended up calling her and texting her several times, and now she is at the point that she thinks it is unhealthy for us to continue. I know that, but I am beyond petrified to think about ending the relationship… I wake up every hour, cannot go to sleep, cannot eat, and I cannot breathe all day“-

    – she said that she felt like she couldn’t breathe, and here, you shared that you cannot breathe. It’s anxiety that does that.. not love. Indeed, anxiety is unhealthy to continue.

    I am going to her city tomorrow to end things, but I haven’t bought the ticket back to my city. I’m so afraid to see her lost all the love and interest in me, and I am in a constant fear that she might already have someone lined up after this. I don’t know how to love myself, to be okay with this and move on. I just want to never wake up when I fall asleep. I have no one. I cannot go back to where my family is because of the work situation. What should I do..“- you have someone, well, you have a couple of people with you, here on your thread, real people behind these typed words. And you will have people irl with you again.

    You felt badly when you posted your original post, but you will feel better, and you will be amazed, sooner or later, to realize how much better you feel than you felt 13 hours ago.

    As far as what you should do, key is to calm the anxiety so that you can operate in ways that make sense, ways that will benefit you.. and her.

    I hope to read from you soon. (I will be busy today, so if you post, it may be a few hours before a response from me).

    anita

     

    in reply to: Taking a break #438497
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Clara:

    You are welcome, and I am fine, thank you!

    One thing that is bothering me recently: I am trying to adopt and so I went to the adoption centre for a few times. I have found one that interacted with me and I wanted to adopt her. After completing the form, a sense of anxious and fear came up, lots of worries, such as would I be able to take care of her? What if I don’t like her after say one or two years, what if my future partner does not like her? What if my parents and she needs my care at the same time? These made me so nervous that I was sleepless last night, and thought of withdrawing the application. This reminded me last time, like what happened when I planned for my tattoo, I emailed that person, asked about all the details and was so scared that I didn’t do it. I started to think this may be a pattern, but I don’t know how to name this. Any thoughts?“-

    – if you get a tattoo and then regret it, not liking or wanting it anymore, you will be stuck with it until and if you have it removed surgically (leaving a scar), or lightened by laser (multiple sessions, complete removal not guaranteed).

    If you get a cat, and then regret it, not liking or wanting her anymore (because taking care of her, or just having her, will become too difficult or inconvenient in the case that you’ll need to take care of your aging parents as well, or if a future partner will not like her, etc.), you will be stuck with the cat until and if you find her a different home.

    I think that being stuck with a tattoo or a cat that you no longer like or want on your body/ in your life is particularly distressing to you because as a child and an adolescent, you were stuck with people you no longer liked or wanted in your life (not in the ways they behaved). You were stuck with people who violated your boundaries, did not allow you privacy, and did not make it possible for you to feel comfortable, safe and carefree.

    You were stuck with a father who was harsh and who did not allow you to be carefree because of his obsession with details. You were stuck with an uncle whose hug you.. didn’t want on your body (fast forward, not wanting to be stuck with a tattoo on your body). You were stuck with a mother who although not harsh, violated your privacy some, and did not protect you from the others who violated your boundaries in greater ways.

    As a result, you grew up anxious. When recently, you anticipate the possibility of being stuck again (with a tattoo or a cat), you anxiety intensified.

    * July 2, 2016: “Sometime my uncle whom I didn’t really liked hugged me hard, I guessed as a child u didn’t or couldn’t really resist or refuse. but I remember how much I hated ppl crossing my boundary… my dad on the other hand was very strict and I would even called him obsessed over tiny details… I remembered he as a very harsh person… one time when I was showering, my mom…  went into the bathroom while I was taking a shower, I recalled I saw my uncle out there who saw me… I remember how my privacy was violated by the parents whom should protect them instead“.

    anita

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