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anitaParticipantDear Suzanne:
I reread your posts and want to acknowledge again the depth of the pain you’re experiencing.
At some point, your husband began an affair with a much younger woman, concealing certain actions during your marriage—signs of secrecy you only uncovered later. Eventually, he left you for her, despite your pleas for him to stay. His demeanor changed drastically—he became cold, distant, and completely shut you out. You later discovered through a bill that he quickly took her away on a trip, deepening the sense of betrayal. Then, on Mother’s Day last month, his family did not reach out, making you feel as though they never truly accepted you despite your 30 years of connection.
Betrayal is deeply painful, but the way he has handled it—without empathy or accountability—intensifies the cruelty. The devastation you describe isn’t just about his departure; it’s about the cold, unfeeling way he chose to leave. Emotional cruelty isn’t always loud or overt—it can exist in silence, in neglect, in the deliberate absence of care.
But he was once your family and best friend (“He was my family and best friend”).
So, what caused such a drastic change in his behavior?
It could be a midlife crisis or a desire for reinvention—some people, as they age, begin questioning their lives, searching for something new or different. A relationship with a much younger partner might make him feel youthful or help him escape the realities of aging.
It could also be fear of accountability—turning cold (“He has turned so cold”) may have been his way of avoiding guilt. If he stayed emotionally connected to you, he’d have to face the hurt he caused. Instead, shutting down allows him to move on without confronting the damage.
By doing this, he may be protecting himself from discomfort. He might also be rewriting history in his mind—convincing himself that the marriage wasn’t that great or that leaving was the right choice, even if that wasn’t true. In the end, his coldness isn’t about your worth—it’s about his unwillingness to face the consequences of his actions.
The reality may be that he made a choice for himself without considering how deeply it would harm you. Some people prioritize their desires over the emotional impact on others. It’s called being selfish.
Whatever the reason, it does not justify the pain he has caused you. You deserve clarity, healing, and the chance to rebuild without carrying the weight of his choices.
Three quotes from one of the books I listed earlier, The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chödrön:
“These are actually two sides of one coin: when they are put together, inspiration (or well-being), and burden (or suffering), describe the human condition.”-
We can’t have only one side of the coin. Suffering and joy are intertwined, and the path forward is not about clinging to one side and rejecting the other. As you grieve your marriage, Suzanne, please stay open to moments of comfort and small joys—whether it’s sharing a cup of coffee with a friend or taking a peaceful walk outdoors.
“You could develop your passion for life and your curiosity and your interest. You could connect with your joyfulness. You could start right now.”- Even in pain, there is room for renewal and small joys. Start where you are, even in the smallest way.
“Each moment is just what it is. It might be the only moment of our life, it might be the only strawberry we’ll ever eat.”-
Focus on that one 🍓, that one moment of joy and comfort available to you today. Let yourself savor it, even if it’s small, instead of getting lost in yesterday’s pain. ✨💖🌟🍀
Anita
anitaParticipantI am 😊 being here gives you some hope! I will get back to you in the morning (in 11 hours from now),
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Peter and Alessa:
Peter, thank you for honoring my thread with your presence—I genuinely appreciate it. If it took starting a silly thread just to hear from you 11 days after your last post, then I’d say it was completely worth it! Happy to have you here.
I agree that framing life as something to “fix” often leads to frustration, measurement, and unnecessary suffering, and I agree with your point about letting life be life, rather than constantly trying to shape it to our expectations.
Alessa: thank you as well! I really appreciate your perspective. Life is indeed personal, shaped by our experiences, struggles, and transformations. I love how you frame challenges as cycles, where even moments of “giving up” are simply pauses for rest before trying again. Your point about expectations creating unnecessary pressure is a powerful reminder to embrace life as it is rather than force it to fit an ideal. I agree—there’s no single “right answer,” only the one that speaks to each of us.
As to my own answer to the question “Life Worth Living- what is it like?”-
It’s like.. just feeing my feelings, giving my emotions SPACE in which they can breathe. Whatever the emotion is- to not be scared of it. To not push it down or away from my awareness ASAP. it’s about allowing my half a century suppressed emotions to express themselves. I am my emotions. I alienated myself from me (from my emotions) for way too long.
Summarized, life Worth Living is a life where emotions are allowed to breathe.
Anita
anitaParticipantThinking about you and your dog..
anitaParticipantHow are you, Laven??
anitaParticipantHow are you, With Feathers 🪶🕊️
anitaParticipantIt’s getting close to 9:30 pm. Still light outside. Birds are chirping LOUDLY. I can hear the distinct sounds they are making. They are so ALIVE, and they are unapologetic about it.
I am listening to music I heard when I was 15, music I forgot all about until most recently.
Past 9:30 pm. Nothing like birds to present and represent LIFE- they never stop, not until complete darkness. Then they rest for only a few hours before they are ALIVE again, and audible about it! “WE ARE ALIVE!” They announce.
Their brains are so small, they can’t possibly be thinking anything! They are just ALIVE.
If they were able to think and overthink, I bet they would be very quiet.. disconnected, repressed or suppressed.
Lucky them!
Music is turned off. All I am hearing is the birds.
How LUCKY they are to just BE! To be uninhibited, uninterrupted by self-doubt, shame and guilt.
When I grow up, lol, I want to be a bird and nothing else.
It’s quiet now. No birds chirping. Even though I prefer silence at night, I miss them nonetheless.
It’s almost dark now. No bird sounds, none whatsoever.
I hear far away sounds from the highway.. oh, here they are, the birds, still chirping, only less.
What are they “thinking”? That there is a tomorrow, and that resting for a few hours is a good idea?
Silence. I can hear far away traffic on the highway, very little of it, somebody driving. Birds- nothing.
Oh, my goodness, suddenly- so it feels- it’s completely dark. I hear an owl, the night bord, no other bird.
Very lose to 10 pm.
Anita
June 8, 2025 at 10:33 am in reply to: Trying to heal from possible narcissistic mother + build own life #446659anitaParticipantI am sorry, Sophie, to see that you deleted your account. Before you did, I was already concerned because you got too much input, mostly mine. Too much to consider all at once. I overdid it and I regret it.
If you are reading this, I want to let you know that I hope to read from you again and that I will offer you less. Less.
anita
anitaParticipant“‘If my emotions could speak freely, they would say…’ Let the words come as they are—anger, grief, exhaustion, longing, frustration, hope—whatever needs to surface.”-
My emotions speaking freely are saying out loud: We Want To Live!!!
By suppressing us you.. rendered ourselves dead, for way, way too much of the time, way too long!
Look, you can’t feel alive if you feel as little as you can get away with.
Isn’t this what depression is about..? Accumulated Suppression = Depression
FEEL. Whatever it is to feel, Feel it!
I feel more alive today, regardless of my physical, practical circumstances, than I ever did.
What a RELIEF!
There is no life without FEELING alive.
In the core of my mental-emotional and physical (tics) lifelong illnesses has been just this one thing: severe emotional suppression, the imprisonment of my emotions. It was a life not worth enduring.
No point to living without feeling this joy that I am feeling right now, this Feeling-Alive just because I am alive, and for no other reason.
Anita
anitaParticipantContinued Exercise:
“Step 1…‘If my emotions could speak freely, they would say…’ Let the words come as they are—anger, grief, exhaustion, longing, frustration, hope—whatever needs to surface.”-
If my emotions could speak freely, they would say: Let Us Be. Let Us Live. let Us BREATHE.
Give Us SPACE.
“Step 2: The Suppressed Dialogue- Write two voices: one representing the suppressed emotions… , the other representing the part of you that silences or suppresses them”-
Suppressing Voice (SV): But I can’t let you take all the space you want- you will DESTRY ME!
You will take over all of me and render me powerless and helpless.
Suppressed Voice (S-ed V): I know it feels strange to you, but we are not the enemy to be suspicious of; we are friends that you can trust!
SV: People will say I am CRAY, OUT OF CONTROL!
S-ed V): Befriend us, and you will have the confidence to be in control.
SV: Only yesterday (irl) I told a friendly acquaintance, whom I like: “I will punch you in the face!”, in a joking yet sincere way. What is wrong with the person saying this? I must be crazy, a weirdo!!?
S-ed V: It’s suppressed anger. Well, 😠, excuse us for not being perfectly proper and well-mannered after HALF A CENTURY of suppression!
Let Us Be.
We didn’t punch her in the face. We just expressed ourselves. Maybe we’ll find a better way to express. it takes a bit of practice. We are NEW at this!
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Lady F:
You’re very welcome, and thank you for your kind words!
Your admiration for your sister is truly beautiful—it’s clear how much you respect her strength and perseverance. While I don’t know if this applies to her specific experience with depression, sometimes, even well-meant encouragement can unintentionally add pressure, especially if she already feels like she’s falling short of expectations.
If that resonates, perhaps rather than focusing on her potential or how much she’s fighting, the most healing thing might be to simply let her know there’s no pressure at all—no need to succeed, prove anything, or “fix” herself. Just that she is enough as she is, even in the hardest moments.
Depression can make even the most ambitious person feel stuck or disconnected from their goals, and sometimes the best support isn’t about pushing forward—it’s about offering presence without expectation. Knowing she is loved, not for what she accomplishes, but simply for who she is.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. 💛
Anita
anitaParticipantDear Lady F:
I wanted to expand on my message from yesterday, now that I have more space to elaborate.
When someone is trapped in depression, their emotions can feel isolated, unheard, or even invalidated by those who—often with good intentions—try to “fix” them. But emotions don’t need fixing—they need space. You can support your sister by creating that space for her emotions in a way that feels safe and accepting.
Ways to Support Her:
1. Instead of offering her solutions, you might say:
“I hear you, and I can see how much you’re struggling.”
“It makes sense that you feel that way, and I’m here to listen.”
Hearing acceptance of her emotions without judgment can be deeply grounding and remind her that her feelings matter.
2. If she says things like “Nothing I do matters” or “I’ll never accomplish anything,” instead of contradicting her with statements like “You do matter!” or “You can accomplish anything you want!” (which may feel hard for her to accept), try shifting the perspective gently:
“I know it might feel that way right now. But I see so much in you, even if you can’t see it yet.”
“You’ve overcome more than you realize, and I believe in you.”
Small shifts like these plant seeds for future self-recognition, without forcing positivity when she isn’t ready for it.
3. Depression makes everything feel overwhelming, but gentle actions can slowly create movement:
Invite her to join you for a walk, a movie, or a quiet coffee outing—low-pressure activities that remind her she’s not alone.
Help her explore her dreams without pressure by asking gentle questions like, “What’s one small step toward something that matters to you?”
Offer non-verbal support, like sitting with her in silence or sending a lighthearted text if talking feels too difficult.
4. Take care yourself, as Alessa wisely suggested. Your own well-being matters too. If you need time to step away and recharge, you can let her know:
“I’m always here for you, and I care deeply. But I also need to take care of myself so I can keep showing up in the best way I can.”
Depression isn’t something anyone can fix, but love, presence, and validation can make a difference. Even if she struggles to see her worth right now, your steady support reminds her that it exists.
Sending you and your sister strength, Lady F. 💛
anita
anitaParticipantYou ARE loved and valued, Alessa, you DO deserve good things.
And so am I. I am loved and valued, and I do deserve good things.
Neither one of us is worthless, unlovable, deserving bad things.
We are worthy, Alessa: we are lovable, we are deserving of good things..!!!
Anita
anitaParticipant* edit: I think there is something you can do for her
anitaParticipantDearLady F:
I think that there is something for her, something simple- validate her emotions, whatever they are, sadness, despair, anger, hope. Whatever it is.
Behind every emotion there is a positive motivation- to help oneself and others.
what do you think Lady F?
Anita
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. 