Dear IMBACK:

I didn’t notice that you posted again when I submitted the above.

“I’m afraid that I will end up hurting her again and I think that I have convinced my brain that I don’t have feelings for her“- you are making a good point here about her getting hurt by you losing feelings for her (however temporarily), again and again, and telling her about it: this is not good for her emotional health…!

“Could it be that I have just lost feelings?”– yes, temporarily. No one, no person in the whole wide world, feels love for another person every minute, every hour, during all their waking hours. it’s normal to sometimes have no feelings for a person you love.

anita

Dear Seaturtle:

“Two years with N, feels like a lot of time and what was the point? One major point is this, recognizing my need to be seen by a significant other, before N I didn’t realize I wanted that, or what it even meant to me”- indeed, it’s a major point of learning from this 2-years experience.

“It makes me want to try to SEE somebody else.. maybe you?“- what do you see when you “look” at me via the computer screen?

“I wonder if everyone is complex or others are more simple, I suspect this is true but wouldn’t it be a superiority complex to claim that I am more complex than some others?“- the healthier I am, the less complex and simpler I become. N is complex, he Teflon-s his complexity, but it’s still there. You, Seaturtle, are courageously and intelligently looking into your complexity with an open/ opening third eye and an activated crown chakra.

“wow so when I feel unseen I lean more narcissistic on the spectrum“- yes!

“And dating N made me recognize I was overcompensating for something, and it was that I felt unseen. That’s a lot to take in. Why did it take him to trigger that?“- you shared that he was the first guy you fell in-love with, and he was your first long-term relationship.

“with N, if they stop giving me their energy of trying to see me… I must see myself, and this is where the narcissistic behaviors can enter. Slowly, my priority narrows down to only myself, and their feelings become less important“- very well said!

“we both clearly have a similar desire to be better every day“- yes, indeed.. we’re bot the bees’ knees!

“If there wasn’t better then I’d still rather be single than with him“- remember this realization next time you forget it.

“I feel empathy for him… I feel guilty that I couldn’t be the love he needed in his life“- I am relieved that you are this much removed from the alarming areas of the NPD spectrum! I hope that this guilt is not great, and that it will shrink over time and be no more.

“I hope to find someone who sees all the love that I am directing towards them, and that I can see their love as well… there’s some compatibility of some sort that enters the equation“- compatibility in the context of two fellow being human casually interacting in the world is different from the compatibility required in the context of a close friendship and/ or a romantic relationship.

“one day I wanna hear more about what it was like to do what you are doing. I thank you, because I need this, someone who cares to see me as much as they can. And you are that person right now (heart emoji, and leaf emoji because this feels very natural)“- it makes my day reading this!!! (a huge snow flakes emoji… it is snowing here right now, and the snowflakes are huge!)

“‘complex.’ I am thinking about this word right now, how did I get this way and is everyone on the planet on a spectrum from a simple to complex?“- like I wrote above, before reading this part, the mentally healthier I become, the less complex I am, and yes, complexity/ Simplicity has to be on a spectrum too.

“You know what, at least a silver lining of being ‘unseen’ is that I am familiar enough with the feeling that I just don’t expect people to see me“- that’s a good thing, to not expect it, and be delighted when it happens!

“Edit: I feel more seen by you than N, to an extreme degree“- this is a compliment as huge as the snow flakes falling right now, thank you for saying this!

I will read and reply further later.

anita

Dear IMBACK:

What you are experiencing, I believe, is a mix of fear and love. When you love something, you want that something (or someone) in your life; when you are afraid of something, you want it out of your life. Your girlfriend is someone you love (and want in your life), and she, same person, represents something you fear (and want out of your life).

The love part: “We just hit it off from the start. We had our first kiss and I was over the moon for this girl. We started messaging each other and we fell In love… We were together almost every day, and we wrote messages to each ALL THE TIME… every time we talked or wrote to each other I became happy…”

The fear part: “A month ago..  I started questioning everything. I was not sure if she was THE ONE or what I was feeling… I could also feel that it got too much and that we needed space so the both of us could do something outside of the relationship… I started questioning my feelings for her…”.

The problem: “I was not happy outside of the relationship. I had lost my friends and I barely talked to my parents anymore… . I was very lonely, and still am. I have still almost no friends“, “She was and is my only source of happiness. Nothing else makes me happy“-

– a human being is a highly social animal (particularly teenagers, and you are 18), and like other social animals (wolves, dogs, etc.), if a social animal is alone for too long, it get anxious and depressed. A social animal is not meant to be alone. You live with your parents, I imagine, so you are not physically alone, and you go to school and parties, so again, you are not physically alone, but you are emotionally alone (aka lonely), and you have been emotionally alone for too long, lacking close, intimate connections with others.

When you spend time with your girlfriend you feel so.. good, happy, it’s like being on top of the world, isn’t it? It is an emotional high made possible by chemicals secreted in the brain (neurotransmitters) and other chemicals secreted into your blood (hormones).

After and in-between the times you spend with her, when you are back to being emotionally alone, it is too much of a shock to the system: it is like falling from the top of a mountain (being with her) to a deep valley underneath (being alone again). And so, your brain (thinking and overthinking) is looking for a solution to this scary emotional falling down experience, and the solution it comes up with is to not go to the top of the mountain anymore (to not  love her anymore, to not be in a relationship with her anymore). If you don’t go up the mountain, you will not fall, so the logic (behind the fear) goes.

“Yes thank you very much. I have one last thing. Could it maybe be that I just need space? We’ve been physically together almost everyday the last 7 month and we message each other all day, everyday“- You are welcome. The Problem is not that you spend too much time with her; it is that Fall I talked about above: the going back to the Low of loneliness after experiencing the High of spending time with her.

“when I think of her all the time, I get the thoughts of breaking up, but the less I think of her, the more I want to be together. I don’t know if this could mean something I just got the thought.“- yes, it means something: you will need to think of her less, but how can you make it happen (to think less of her)? I think that the answer is quality psychotherapy/ counseling where you form a close connection to a caring, capable therapist, thoroughly express your emotions and learn to regulate them, to lower the intensity of your distressing emotions (aka emotion regulation).

anita

Dear Lynn:

Reads like, at this time,  you are not confused at all (“So Confused”, the title of your thread)

“He has always said he was concerned that he wouldn’t be able to make me happy in his world because of his job“- I imagine that he would feel less concerned with a woman who is okay/ happy in her world; that would relieve his concern.

“He is an over thinker and needs to play out every scenario in his head a million times before he commits to something. I feel he is introverted around women“- reads like he is an anxious person. Anxious people are often attracted to people who are even keeled, consistent; not erratic, volatile, etc. Giving him space and showing him that you are okay and calm in his absence (as well as in his presence), is your best bet, seems to me, for a romantic relationship with him.

anita

Dear Kshiti:

You are very welcome! I don’t have a particular emotion regulation workbook in mind. I just googled and this book seems, by its title, promising. It’s called “The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook“.  It includes not only emotion regulations exercises but also mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness exercises.

“I have tried to align myself with my true values and goals, and would like to have your advice over how to develop these patterns along with that of purpose“-  are you looking for advice on how to actualize (to put into practice) your true values and goals? If so, would you like to share about your true values and goals?

anita

Dear Anonymous:

I don’t know if you are reading this, being that you deleted your account a few minutes after you submitted your original post. I suppose it’s anxiety that’s behind deleting your account, and that it’s relationship anxiety (and anxious-ambivalent attachment style) that’s behind your distress in regard to your girlfriend. If you are reading this and would like to return to your thread (via a new account), please do.

anita

Editing: ” But I was too afraid to be authentic around others most of the time because my mother so effectively shamed my authenticity. I was so out of practice,  didn’t even know how. I wasn’t able”

Dear Seaturtle:

“As the week went on I asked myself why I really texted him and concluded that there was a wishful part of me that wanted him to have considered what he did wrong and be a new communicative person that wanted to speak…“- as the week went on you became aware of a part of your motivation a few days before. Retroactive awareness. It makes sense to me that you were wishful, of course.

“I knew there was a 99% chance he would not want to talk, but I wanted to give him a window without pressure… when he said ‘words can’t describe..’ …I knew I wasn’t going to hear anymore elaboration, that was it, he could not describe it. Just as in our relationship, he does not have the words or capacity to express himself beyond that sentence, that short sentence“- like you said right here, he doesn’t have the ability to express his feelings in words any more than he did.

“This was the pattern of our conversations, me trying to get him to express and him lacking the ability to volunteer information on how he felt, I have run out of ways to get him to express himself…’words can’t describe’ that was the only answer I was gonna get“- he wasn’t able to give you more, and you weren’t able to stop wanting more.

“My apology was certainly heart felt, his sentence of how he felt made me feel bad… I hurt a friend and I do feel badly about that“- empathy for N.

“He asked me to leave him alone so for him, I removed emotion and stated factually what I needed, that is since he did not desire to talk“- I understand.

“he didn’t see a need to fight for our love because he thought it was all fine and dandy, which also hurts me because he really just did not regard the things I said to him“- he wasn’t able to regard the things you told him in the ways you wanted him to. He fought for your love in the ways he was able.

“I have wondered if I have a personality disorder before…I wonder, are people with those disorders capable of being authentic?“- I like the quote I sent you earlier on Narcissism (Wikipedia), we’re all on the spectrum/ continuum of each and every personality disorder, even when we don’t fit a diagnosis.

During all the years that I fit the BPD diagnosis, I very much cared about being authentic, I very much wanted to be authentic, it was very, very important to me. But I was too afraid to be authentic around others most of the time because my so effectively shamed my authenticity. I was so out of practice,  didn’t even know how. I wasn’t able.

“It is true, I have an overcompensating impulse to be seen by others and recognized as an individual. I was so unseen growing up, by my dad, but then also in high school. During early high school, or even middle school I don’t remember having this intense desire to be seen for my individuality, it developed and became more intense later in high school, my soccer team literally ignored me in high school… The bullying had a huge impact“-  yes, I remember you sharing about it. It is very painful for a teenager to be ignored by peers, it is quite traumatic.

“I just thought they didn’t like who I was, so I made an attempt to be as small as possible. Stopped talking, since I’d only be ignored, stopped asking for the ball, stopped basically playing soccer (my first love) and overall just wanted to be like everyone else and didn’t want to be myself, since that clearly was not accepted… Then I went to Argentina… they…  spoke to me like I was stupid and also ignored my requests, saying to go with the flow… I was just told what to do and out of my obedient character I just did what I was told not matter how uncomfortable it made me. Unseen.”-

– The book you mentioned recently that you want to write, must be titled USEEN.

“I had nightmares that shadows pinned me to the ground and covered my mouth, taking every possible way to express myself away from me. It was those last 4 weeks of the trip (5 months total) that I literally felt like there must be a God or else I was completely alone, so I talked to the sky… and when I spoke to the sky I suddenly felt hugged, I felt this overwhelming sense of light, comfort and a soundless voice in my head said ‘It will be ok, I am not alone.‘”- Powerful!

Unseen and Alone are synonymous.

“All this to say, yes, my craving to be seen is very intense, and I know it is an over compensation, and potency of the craving changes/fluctuates. But In my relationship with N…  I feel like his lack of seeing me, in a strange way, was attractive to me because of how comforting it was, felt like home“- N awakened your desire to be seen, the desire you had at home with F, and at school, middle and high school.. and in Argentina.

“I had to decide for myself what was ridiculous and what wasn’t. The toilet seat bothered me when I would fall into the toilet at night, and even after I told him that happened he didn’t seem to put much effort there… I really tried my best to stay aware of the difference between too high of expectations, and reasonable standards“- reads like you did.

“I am not saying this is not true but I don’t recall feeling that way, at home. Also that feeling of estrangement doesn’t happen with my other friends, currently I am not able to associate this disconnect with anyone else but N…  with him he just blank stared me“- it is amazing to me how much work it takes to SEE certain other people, like me trying to see you. So much time.. 31 pages and I am seeing something new today (actually, this particular seeing occurred to me a day or two ago, as in a passing thought), that it is N, in his stark Unseeing of you, who triggered your overcompensating, narcissistic like reaction.

“As I came to you here in September, I thought it was all my fault and I was making incorrect correlations, but clearly he was being passive aggressive, so many times I told myself ‘no, he was probably joking, and I am making assumptions of him not caring about me when it is not true,’  just as a victim of gaslighting says to herself. I am open to being wrong about this assessment”– and I am open to having been wrong in some of my assessments of you. And of him.

“But it is just how I feel, and evidence is that I stayed with him that whole last year trying to make myself see that he cared, when I just don’t think he actually cared that much and instead knew how to act like he did“- I think, at this point (and I may be wrong), that he cared for you as much as he was ABLE to care for you. I feel empathy for you for needing what you needed from N, and empathy for him for not being able to deliver.

“I would not want someone to do everything I wanted, that would be such a fake relationship, I witnessed my grandma doing this for my mom and I thought it was gross. I did not/ and do not want to be this way so badly that I don’t think it happened without me knowing it, and if it did I know less about myself then I thought I did“- no, it’s me who knew less about you than I thought I did. Sincerely, it takes so much work, and humility, and persistence, and putting aside my persona biases, experiences, etc., to get to know a person as .. complex as you.

“But I don’t want the love I received as a child, my mom’s over coddling makes me uncomfortable and my dad’s lack of it also makes me uncomfortable.  I am alone in a dark room, and something I learned through speaking with you is it is Seaturtle’s job to turn on that light so hatch can see herself. I associate light with seeing that I am an authentic person, a strong and witty/creative person (as my dad said I wasn’t), seen by myself and hopefully by my one life partner, the one person in the world that admires me for me. I just feel like N did not see me very deeply, he saw a square and fell in love with the square“- I agree and I admire you for having these words, these motivations! And again, what I am in touch with this evening, is how difficult it is, has been for me,  to SEE you as you are. It’s mostly the personal biases, the personal childhood experiences that create one’s vision of another.

“He missed a whole side but he was ok with that and I wasn’t. I just believe my real lifetime partner will see those things, I don’t want them to do everything I want. In fact, if someone sees who I am, I would likely stay with them through them doing many things I don’t like, because of how hard it was to find a man who saw me. Leave the toilet seat up every day, and be late as long a… you do see me“- a real lifetime partner is possible for you to find and have a lifetime with. Give him time though.. the task of seeing a complex, fascinating person like you is not easy, says I.

“Yes exactly. I am sure some of my expectations were unrealistic, but I was open to being told that“- most people would have disappeared from their forum after told certain things, after told certain things that were the wrong understandings, but you are back here, remarkable, I am humbled.

“Exactly, I feel this way. When I texted him, part of me wanted to hear from someone who was willing to do this, but that was wishful thinking. I would be. I have had the song “I wanna know what love iss…”; haha“- love takes a lot of work when it comes to a complex person such as you, a Seaturtle with an open third eye and an active crown chakra. It takes me opening mine and activating my crown chakra to understand.

it is now 7:36 pm my time, 8:36 pm your time. Good night Seaturtle, and (haha… ) add distilled water to your tears, so that your sea turtle’s tears don’t irritate your human eyes. In case you cry or laugh too hard.

anita