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abubinParticipantDear Anita,
Yes, I need to wake up from my dreams as well. This hope was really enticing and for a moment I really see light at the end of the tunnel. Right now, it is just not possible without commitment from her.
I am not sure if I should be grateful to her for finding me. On one hand, I had one of the best time of my life when I was with her. On the other hand, I will be haunted with the separation for the rest of my life.
It is really hard moving back to my mundane life before. Life still have to go on.
abubinParticipantThanks Anita, I think you got it spot on about her living out her fantasy in me. Now that she is fine with me, I am no longer useful.
I know I have to move on but it’s so hard. I barely slept last night. My mind keep thinking about us and how things could have happened differently and things we said to each other and so on.
abubinParticipantI put her as priority. I love her with all my heart. What else does a woman want in a man? Apparently a hell lot more! I am so upset now!
abubinParticipantDear Anita,
I will stay in the marriage with my wife to see if we can mend things up. I am already in a very broken state (inside). Not only there are guilt when I face her, I am not physically attracted to her anymore. I think for the sake of my kids and the family I want to continue my life as a responsible father and husband.
One question for people who have went through break-ups. Should I keep all the things that Debbie has given me? Should I stop being “friend” with her? Will it be easier to heal that way?
Reminded me of the time when Debbie and I had another of our argument. I was misearable for a week and I called myself a walking zombie. I don’t want to feel like that for the rest of my life.
abubinParticipantDear Mathilde-S,
This is just my personal opinion, just want to give you point of view from a different perspective.
I think the man is not really in love with you. He did not acted like he did even though for a brief moment seems like he did. And he moved on with another woman that quickly? That tells a lot about him. You need to stop drowning over such a man. I am saying this as a person who is still in pain from a break-up. I know it is hard to forget but life goes on. It is true like what you said, everything you do becomes pointless and your mind is constantly thinking about him (her in my case). Time will heal as long as you stop wallowing over him. Know that you are not alone and we all who have been through this is with you.
Surround yourself with people that love you. Like friends or family. Don’t give up cause you deserve better.
abubinParticipantDear Anita,
I am referring to promises I made to my wife. I broke it when I had an affair. I do aware that I am hypocrite.
abubinParticipantI think there is no hope with Debbie now. I know I need to move on. She is just too complicated a woman for me. I thought loving her with all my heart is enough a start for building our life together. Seems I am still not good enough for her. I do feel very unsettled. Very frustrated that she has to end it with such circumstances.
I really need to pick myself up first. I will need to severe all contacts with her. It will be tough.
At my age, I just want to live what’s remaining of my life. I don’t think I want to have another relationship. I really hate the kind of promises people make when they are in love but it all goes out the window when something happens. Including myself.
abubinParticipantAfter reading your post, I feel for the that guy. I am in similar situation (thought a bit different). I gave all of me to this woman that I really love. In the end, getting rejected by her is really very very disappointing. Like what you did to him.
First of all, you are the one who said “yes” to the relationship. You did it in an impulse. I understand the feeling of being in love and wanting to explore further. However, once you said yes it is your word and you need to be responsible because it prompted him to give you all his love. It would be selfish to say you want to enjoy singles life once you have invited this person into your life.
Right now, you need to think whether you want single life more or relationship with this guy more. I can tell you, it’s not easy to find someone to love and who love you back. Maybe if you rejected him, you will get a better man in the future but we never know.
I can tell you as the guy from the receiving end. It is really painful to be rejected this way and it will haunts us for the rest of our life about giving it all to another woman. Personally, I feel people who want to enjoy being single is somewhat selfish. They don’t want to share their life with another person for fears of disappointment, abandonment and commitment.
In the end, nobody can force you to do what you do not want. You need to make the decision yourself but know that the decision will affect another person whom became your responsibility when you accepted his love.
abubinParticipantThanks for the advice, Anita and Mark and Maggie too. Both are really enlightening and provider perspective to the relationship.
I am supposed to fly over to meet her next month. During that time, I planned to talk to her about our future getting together. This episode that happened made me think it will not be possible. She would not want to see me even if I go over.
Both your advises allow me to speak to her in a different perspective now. Again, if I manage to speak to her. And because it is one month away, should I speak to her about this now or wait?
I apologize again if I sound selfish or I totally ignore my wife. However, my relationship with my wife is not in good terms. Even if we goes back to being “okay”, it is totally only like co-parenting. Debbie is the person I see whom I want to wake up to every morning. Or course I love her. Should I just let her be alone like she wanted? I mean loving a person sometimes means to let her go, right?
abubinParticipantSince you are separated by different country, it will be difficult if she does not care about your divorce filings. She can just ignore it and not go back to your country. I think best if you try to talk to her. If there is nothing really bad that caused her to want to separate with you then why is she severing all contacts with you?
abubinParticipantI do not think we are back together. We are just talking about random stuffs. Since Lunar New Year is nearing, she ask me to concentrate on the festive season. I think she has prepared to tell me she want to end our relationship. I want to prepare for this.
This thing is like a tsunami. You can see it coming from a distance. You plan and prepare for the wave. When the tsunami hit, it still destroy everything in your life. You need to rebuild it piece by piece. Life have to go on. Sigh!
abubinParticipantWell, about the 30-year yearning I cut the story short so not to lengthen the posting. There are other instances that shows she does yearn for me. She told me she “apologize” to me in her heart when she had her first date with another man. In some of the photos she had taken, she said during that time I was in her mind. Some songs would remind her of me. The reason she really tried to find me again is due to her bosses’ sad story. Her boss just loss her husband. Apparently he was in depression and took his own life. That event made her realize she need to find me before she die. And the dream that she had for the past 30 years, it is always the same one where she could not find me. It was very vivid to her and she would feel lost whenever the dream occur. When we started our relationship, before we meet, she would have the dream and told me about them. If I remember correctly, it happened twice in the span of 1 month.
After we met, I drove her to the old place where we used to live and show her the path to my house. Since then she never had the dream.
We also discovered that our path crossed a lot of times without us realizing it. Like we go to same places for food or she moved to a school where I am staying very near to right now and so on. These cannot be coincidence because it is just too many instances of out path crossing.
Anyway she said the reason why she was so angry is because she is upset discovering I am not the kind of man she want. It does not comes from only the book event but also from other encounters we had for the past few months.
Right now, we seems to be texting again but there are a lot of hostility from her. Her heart has completely shutdown on me and she seems to be finding faults in everything I say. I am not sure if this is called toxic relationship. I do feel like I am loving her less and less with this kind of treatment.
She said that she have very high standards for the kind of men she want. That is why she chose a successful man to marry but she was treated badly by the mother-in-law and most of the time she is left alone to do things by herself. That is also why she said she is a “happy loner”. She loves being alone and doing things by herself. She has planned her retirement in the next ten years and seems like I am disrupting her plan. Again, she didn’t say this specifically on me but she did imply them in the things that she says.
Right now, my gut feelings tell me that I should let her go. If I do, I want to patch things up with my wife. However, my relationship with my wife has gotten the worse after starting the affair with Debbie. I think she might even know I am having an affair as she manage to eavedrop on me when I was having a phone conversation with Debbie. Since that day, she has distance herself from me. I have surrounded myself with gifts from Debbie, from my work laptop case to keychains and even the phone I am using. This is really hard. I don’t understand how people can have so many affairs in their life. If I could, I wouldn’t want her to find me so that I can continue to life my content life. She did made me realize the kind of love that is so intense that I have never felt with my wife when we were dating. It’s like now that I have eaten caviar, eating other food is not nice anymore. I know I sound selfish but I can’t help myself.
abubinParticipantDear Soul-searcher,
Your emotional tantrums is exactly what my GF have. Whenever she is unhappy it will be very extreme. No matter what I say will not stop her tantrums. Sometimes she acted out very unreasonable. But she deny that. She still says I caused it. She did have a bad childhood. Her dad past away when she was young and it cause her to go into depression. She got it treated but I think her emotional tantrums is still lingering. She also did say that whenever she got angry, I just need to leave her alone. That I just need to hug her or touch her to provide her a sense of calm. Problem is, I can’t do it cause we are in long distance relationship.
Whenever we have disagreement she would be so emotionally unstable that I cannot even explain myself to her. I was afraid that if I keep quiet she will think of the worst. If I explain, she will say I don’t know when to keep quiet. It is true that I should have left her alone? Anyway we are already separated and she wants nothing to do with me. All I did was trying to love her and make her calm by explaining I am not what she think I was.
abubinParticipantWhy do you still want a man who is addicted to substances? I do not understand why people can tolerate that. I can’t even tolerate if my woman smokes.
abubinParticipantI manage to talk to her today. She said she do no agree that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. She is mad I had to diagnose her with BPD. I told her I am no expert but I am open if she is and that we can work out on handling the problem if she has BPD.
She also said she did not say I am not generous, not open-minded, not risk taking and calculative. She said she just told me she wanted her man to be generous, open-minded, risk taking and not calculative. I am lost. She is playing with words? And she said I always play with words. Hence why she always need to decipher my messages.
At this point, I too think it would be better for us to separate. But I just can’t let go. I promised her I would not runaway from her like I did when we were young. I am a man of my word. I really do not want to let her go. That is why I am really at a dilemma now.
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