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October 13, 2019 at 4:48 pm in reply to: I cheated, he wants to break up but will not leave.. #317645
AikoParticipantMaybe it’s easier for me to say this because I tend to find doing what I want easier than the average person… especially after realizing all pathways lead to that anyway & the regret of many is “why haven’t I done anything sooner.”
I initially thought “just tell him to leave.” If he’s not on the lease but has been living there for a while and refuses to, you’d have to legally evict him? Idk what the laws in your state are..
Its never really hard getting ppl to leave, people make it seem hard… the hardest thing is the internal battle & struggle with feelings & emotions . If you really wanted him out, he’d be out… or if you really wanted out, you’d leave.
Be honest about what you want & work towards that. But don’t lie to yourself either..
AikoParticipantDolores Canon YouTube.
AikoParticipantIt’s energy. You’re storing emotional trauma in those areas. Therapy should help. Also doing a lot of development work. Start journaling while you’re at it.
AikoParticipantWriting down your thoughts & assertiveness are definitely the key.
Maybe think of someone whom you admire & respect that communicates effectively and model them. Re- teach yourself. Unlearn the unhelpful stuff you learned in your household and replace it by modeling new role models.
My parents. Well, were nonexistent other than giving birth. I literally read, watched & modeled people I respected as chosen parents. Some were celebrities but it worked all the same.
also throw away all criticism in your mind about how something should sound. Release your fear of judgment . The bigger piece is being your true self . If people don’t like it, what does that say ?
AikoParticipantHim leaving was a blessing.
may be look up “trauma bonding.”
Itll heal with time. Start dating other people or distracting yourself with things you enjoy . A few months later, he’ll be in the back of your mind. Then he won’t be there anymore. That’s just how our brains work.
October 4, 2019 at 3:27 pm in reply to: Help needed to be kind with a partner's relationship anxiety #316103AikoParticipantOne way to helped me . Learn to fabricate healthier Attachment responses. It’s all psychology. Once you know people’s attachment styles you realize they respond/react similarly to everybody else with that attachment style.
fabricate as in, simply google. “How would a securely attached person a) respond to ____; b) communicate ________ ; c) assure…”
Also learn about your attachment style (read the book).
learn your fears, learn what you avoid & why you avoid it, work on that.
Anxious people get really flustered over things they feel are simple . Probably just something not being communicated.
Also both attachment styles together tend to get into a manipulative cycle , subconsciously playing on each others triggers.
Anxious people learn to piss off avoidants because they know that will get a response. Or they do silent treatment . (All manipulative and immature.)
Avoidants learn to run when things get too intimate or close (also not healthy). Leads to no chemistry & cheating down the road.. they also learn to walk away from anxious ppl saying they’re “needy” rather than understanding how their avoidance is activating their partner . Then after staying away for a while they come back . Creating a vicious cycle.
Do your research. If it doesn’t help you in this relationship. It’ll help you in others.
Also set boundaries. Respect needs to be present. Let them feel seen and heard but also communicate that their needs to be respectful effective communication & consistency on both ends.
Also have a convo about both of your triggers. Work them through together. Just put it all on the table .
October 4, 2019 at 3:02 pm in reply to: Help needed to be kind with a partner's relationship anxiety #316091AikoParticipantEvery relationship will trigger you.
Anxious Attachment needs development . Avoidant Attachment really needs development.
It’s about understanding how we grew up & how our parents cared or didn’t care for us, this is how it usually reflects in our relationships.
People with avoidant Attachment learn to be independent.
People with Anxious learn codependency.
Secure relationships are interdependent.
Anxious people need a lot of love & assurance. Ask your partner what they need. Meet the need. Understand as a person who’s avoidant, it may not always make sense or it may scare you- as intimacy scares avoidants.
If you really want it to work I suggest you buy two books, Attached by Amir Levine. One for you one for him.
AikoParticipantThat’s a relief. I’m sure I’ll be hard headed and be guilted into visiting. But not often .
Thanks!
AikoParticipantThough I’ve been holding it down for 6 years on my own through and after college. I’m still young & would like to have that sense security . I have more practical ppl to rely on, but I’d never want to ask them for help because we aren’t blood.
AikoParticipantYea, I guess I’d just like to know if my stuff collapses I would have somewhere to go.
AikoParticipantHa! he’s being immature. Spinning the convo & gas lighting. Typical guilt behavior. Not saying he did anything , but he def needs to grow up and learn how to communicate like an adult.
AikoParticipantThanks Anita you’re very smart.
AikoParticipantHi Anita,
as mentioned in the post & in my comment. I am trying to go back to being more social like I was in college. While utilizing a common psychological hack used amongst many well known sports psychologists when training athletes or even entertainers. It’s similar to the placebo effect. Utilizing capabilities your body already has, igniting it with an intention or by modeling someone or something that does it well . It would be followed by an integration of ego.
AikoParticipantI suggest reading Todd Herman
AikoParticipantHi Peggy , thanks so much !
ive been reading this new book on self mastery and it’s helping me tons.
Thanks Anita, I hear what you’re saying. It is a gradual goal. I don’t think me saying that I want to be more sociable than 10% is unrealistic at all. But I do hear you. To paraphrase I was trying to say that before graduation I actually was more sociable & post graduation and getting a full time Job I’ve scaled back a bit. So I’d like to get back to where I was. I have anxiety but I’m more on the high functioning end. And I’ve managed my anxiety pretty well with self discipline and really proud of that. I believe in setting realistic goals and this is what I’m doing and holding myself accountable to .
Thanks for your comments guys.
The book I’m reading is specifically on alter ego development which is a interest of mine. (Todd Herman). If anyone can give me more examples of how a socialite would navigate this situation. I’d appreciate it!
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