Hi Cali Chica,

Probably the best advice I ever received was to just observe the thoughts instead of responding to them. Instead of becoming overwhelmed by emotions, respond with strength and calmness. Listening continuously can also really help quiet these unwanted thoughts that lead to all these messed up feelings. The drama with your mom I think is a pretty common storyline, but it’s hard to give advice about this type of situation. I think good advice is to try to respond in a way you think your mom would respect instead of becoming overwhelmed. I ironically found when I stay calm and think about how I can help the person with their own negativity can be a great way to grow in the relationship.

Also, instead of focusing on the bad, perhaps you can instead focus on the person you want to become and make progress toward that person everyday. I like to imagine the person I want to be and then break down that person into goals and steps toward that goal. Focusing on progress and the goodness you create can be a lot better than thinking about things that you wish were different. Try to focus on the hope instead of the negativity.

Hi Jonathan,

I know the things you are going through. Usually depression is a sign that you haven’t moved on from something you should have. If you are lingering over regrets in the past, perhaps there is a way you can do something to make up what is bothering you. Focusing on the goodness that we do instead of our regrets can help us grow into the person who we want to become. I’ve found thinking about that person and then creating a list of steps toward that person can really help because you are always focusing on the progress toward one of those steps instead of thinking about the things you wish was different. Progress can be a beautiful, beautiful feeling. Try to focus on the hope that is out there.

Another good tip that really helped me with my anxiety that I got from “DARE: A New Way to End Anxiety” is that when you start feeling anxious, instead of feeding it fear, respond with strength. And then go and do something that you love instead of lingering in the anxiety.

Meditation or whatever  you want to call just standing and breathing naturally as you listen continuously to be the best way to relax and quiet the thoughts that make us more anxious. Listening to sounds can be the greatest thing sometimes!

Hi Tatjana,

Moderation is good advice, but also just taking little steps forward everyday can also really help. Everyday you can get a little better. Try to focus on the progress… it can be a really beautiful feeling. It could help to make a list of things you want to change, then a set of realistic steps toward each of those changes. Then every day you can move forward toward one of the goals. Who is the person you want to become? You can still do anything you decide to focus on.  Focus on the hope that becoming better causes, and be gentle with yourself when you have a set back.

Hi Dan,

One thing that helps me when I’m at work when I am feeling overwhelmed is to stop for a moment and write down the most important things I have to do. Then I try to make a list of steps required to complete each thing. Then you can go and prioritize all the goals and steps. This way you can always be making progress toward something.

Also, perhaps some strategies to relax before work could help. I started to meditate for just five to ten minutes before work, just breathing as I listen continuously and try to stay present, and it can really help clear your head. I would recommend not doing it before work though for the first few times because it can be uncomfortable at first. Also, the flip side and keeping yourself occupied with something on the commute over and before work can help you go in with more confidence.

Hi Natasha,

That’s funny, I am also a journalism major. I remember how much anxiety was involved in journalism, in meeting new people and asking them tough questions. One thing has really helped me with my own anxiety is a strategy I sort of modified from “DARE: A New Way to End Anxiety”: When the anxiety hits, instead of letting it overwhelm you, respond to it with a strong response that doesn’t involve fear. It’s funny how the anxiety can wither when fear isn’t mixed into the response. Then go and do something that you love instead of returning again and again to the anxious thoughts.

One thing that really helped me begin to grow is to ask myself “Who is the person I want to become?” As a writer, it might help you to write one page about this question, an assignment that Epictetus advises a person should do. Then I like to make a list of goals, choose one, and then create a list of the steps that lead to achieving that goal. Then take the first step and take the time to appreciate the feeling of progress. It can be such a beautiful feeling. Everyday you can move a little closer toward that goal. Create possibilities and make progress instead of staying stuck as you are unemployed.

Another thing that really helped, and I could imagine helping with a journalism career, is to imagine a happy memory before you meet someone. It can totally change the vibe of the conversation.

I actually just wrote this yesterday about purposes in this book I am writing. Come to think, maybe you might want to work on a project that is meaningful to you as you are unemployed. It may give you purpose, but I don’t think there is any one purpose out there that is the secret to our life:

“In the self-help genre there seems to be much written about our purposes, something we are meant to do in this life. The word is read and spoken so much that we don’t ever really think about it. To have a purpose implies something set in our lives, something we are supposed to be doing. Many people tend to believe that when we move toward our “purpose” we feel more right, but is that association with the feeling and purpose limiting our freedom when we designate a set role to our lives that we refer to daily?

Are we searching for the wrong thing when we focus on finding a purpose? Perhaps we are meant to do many things in this life, have many purposes. The search for one that defines us may even inhibit us from doing all the things our potential can produce. If I believe my purpose is to be a writer, think about all the other stuff that I could be doing as I sit here pushing keys to form words on the computer screen before me. If meeting a single person can change a life, think about all the people I’m not meeting as I struggle to write about something as complex as purpose in this life.”

Hi Rachel,

I know how bad our emotions (or lack of) can get, and the need to not want to exist. I think the only thing you can do sometimes is to look forward at all the good in the future instead of getting pulled into that state of detachment. You are only 23-years-old! I bet some posters on this board would do a lot to go back to 23. You still have so much time ahead of you! Maybe you have some purpose or reason that is causing you to feel this way now, to prepare you for something. I know it seems impossible to get overwhelmed in this state, but try to find something you love to do. What gets you excited? Sometimes just a walk to a coffee shop can gradually start to help make things better. Just listening, noticing all the details as you anticipate some strong coffee!

Instead of letting the detachment overwhelm you, try to create possibility instead. Who do you want to become? Focus on the hope instead of becoming lost in detachment.

Hey Wyn,

Maybe you are being too hard on yourself. Maybe all this searching for authenticity and trying to make people like you is taking away all the fun and possibility in life. Creating possibility is one of the best antidotes to loneliness and depression. It sounds like perhaps there is something in your life you need to move on from. If you know what you need to change, perhaps you could take a gradual approach toward moving away from it, toward the person who you want to become. I actually wrote a page on the person who I want to become (a philosopher named Epictetus advised doing this in the great book “The Art of Living”, which you might want to check out) and it can be very cathartic and guiding as you look ahead, and not backwards. One of the pieces of advice that changed my life that I read in that book is “Know what you can control, and what you can’t, and focus on what you can.” You can’t change anything that you’ve done, but you can control your actions and decisions as you move forward toward that person who you want to become. I think you’ll find the more you start to move toward that person, the more the right people will begin to come into your life. Focus on the hope out there, instead of being pulled into negative thinking.

T.H. White once wrote: “The best thing for being sad is to learn something.” Those little pockets of “learning time” can be so valuable when we are feeling down. What do you want to learn?

Maybe finding what you love doesn’t have to be so complicated. What makes you feel right in life? For me I like to just sort of walk around and listen and think, or not. It wasn’t something I “discovered”, but sort of fell into. I think being outside, in nature can be really spiritual and natural, and the act of listening may be one of the best things for healing and moving ahead.

Hi Craig,

When I was going through a low point, I found two things helpful: First, to not only think about the things we like about the person we are trying to move on from, until it piles into this too-perfect idealization, but to also remember all the stuff about the person that we didn’t like as well. It sounds like kind of mean advice, but sometimes that is what it takes. “Man, I miss the way she used to…”. “But she also used to…”

The second thing that really helped me move forward is to try to focus on my own self-progress as much as possible instead of lingering over negative thoughts or the opinions of other people. I like to make a list of goals or things I want to change about myself, choose one to focus on, and then create a list of steps that will lead me to achieving it. And then after taking that first step, reflect on the progress, on the hope of growing, instead of things that make you feel bad. I think moving forward is the cure. Online dating is cool because you can meet new people, but even going to the same coffee shop or bar can lead to cool new connections, until who knows? Maybe one day you meet the love of your life. Try to focus on the possibilities instead of the bad.

T.H. White once wrote, “The secret to being said, is to learn something.” Learning can take you out of your own mind and instead create new neurons or whatever as your brain remember a new skill. For some reason, learning Japanese on my cell phone really helped me out of a low point. Just to get out of the apartment I would go to a bar during happy hour and nurse (or not) cheap discounted beers as I did Duolingo on my cell phone. The combination of the atmosphere and language lessons made me realize I hadn’t been thinking about my problems for almost fifteen minutes. That was sort of my hobby I looked forward to for a few weeks.

A book that really helped me was “Everyday Zen” by Charolotte Joko Beck. It really helped me to stop thinking about myself so much and instead focus on all this beauty around me in the present moment.