Dear Anita and Mandelbrot,

I am definitely going to mention this when I go back to therapy.

Thanks a lot.

Kay

Dear Anita,

I do not know what is next. I just need to feel fine by myself again, I guess. I started therapy after the first thing I mentioned in this post happened, my my therapist suggested me to take a break since I said I was over it and I kind of closed myself. I rerurned back to ser my therapist after this CX guy dissapeared, but then I have been traveling because of work. I am planning to go back to therapy. Some days I feel ok, but some others I feel overwhelmed and I do not even know why I keep going.

kay

Dear Anita,

Is not that I want to give up on having a relationship, but I have to, I think all this is too intense for me to handle it.

I had a couple of times in the past in which guys were interested in me, they were nice and good men, but I do not feel attracted to them in the intellectual part, plus by then I was focus in other things, like school and work.

I do not really remember a lot about my childhood, I do not why but I remember a lot of bad parts, but I am sure there were good parts too. I remember that my mother was always angry at me and that many times I just prayed and wished to die, I loved my father a lot because when he came back from work I knew I would be safe. Then when I was around 11, I distance myself from him because my mother said he cheated on her and I had to chose if I wanted to be with him or her, I chose her, they were supposed to separate, but they never did and they are still together, however since then I am not longer close to my father anymore, we say hello and small talk but nothing more. I moved away from home when I was 17 when I started college, my parents supported me while I studied, because with the gigs I had I just could not pay all my expenses. It was when I started college that I god depressed, I was on medication for about three years, I do not really know what caused that, I think it was because I wanted to be still in high school and I was not ready to move to college, high school was a very good experience, for the first time after many years I had friends again and I did not want to start over, other times I think I god depressed because I was not living with my parents anymore, but I am not sure. During that time my mother changed completely and seemed caring about my situation, however in her intent to care about me she invaded my space and everything, I could not do anything without her knowing, I guess it was because she was scared of me killing myself or something. After I finished college I started to work, I lived by myself, but my mother was always around. Four years ago I got a job offer to work abroad, I accepted it without hesitation, maybe I was trying to escape from everything in my home country including my mother, I wanted to be free. At the beginning I was overwhelmed about being completely by myself, but I god used to it. So, now I do not live with my parents anymore, I visit them a couple of times a year, I wish a lot to see them, but when I am there after a couple of days I want to go far away again, I feel really bad about this feeling because they supported me a lot and I know they care about me, but I feel trapped when I am with them.

Kay

Hi Mithara,

Thanks for sharing.

I am wondering if I would ever have normal sex with someone. I guess It would need to be as you said, friendship first, so that person can really get to know me before jumping into a relationship, so once we are there we can work together on the sex part to work…

kay

Dear Anita,

** I am re-posting this, since I noticed my previous post had just too many typos. Hopefully it is more understandable now.

That is exactly what I tried to do when in online dating, during the last year many guys just dissapeared while texting, others after our first date, and I totally got it, there was not an inmediate chemistry during that first date (or first real life interaction).

However with this last CX guy, we saw each other more than a couple times, and text daily through the day, I would say we were about to decide if moving to a relationship or not when he dissapeared, that is what makes it hard for me, plus it brings back the bad memories of the experience I mentioned before, because of the sex topic that was the last topic we talked about. During those last days I was not seeing anybody else, which hit me more.

Kay

Mark,

Yes, It makes sense. I have always tried all those things like meetups group, classes, etc before, not with romantic purposes, but with like professional or socialization tools. I think I have (maybe not a lot, but enough) good friends, most of them already have their own family and life, but I still can count on them.

I think before all this online dating thing I was perfectly fine by my own, I did never really think that I needed a romantic relationship in my life, but I am not exactly sure why I started with online dating, maybe because I saw everyone starting their own family and I was the only person that have never had a relationship, not even kissed someone. And now when I see in retrospective,  I can see myself acting like desperate to have a relationship.

Sometimes I just want to go back and be good with me and myself again, but even if I try to forget everything I just cannot. I try to do not think about all that and I can do it for a couple of days, then the thoughts come again and I feel sad, angry or sorry for myself..

What I know right now is that I am leaving online dating, because people not being who I though they are or just disappearing, is something I clearly cannot handle.

Kay