Hi Guthries,

I think there are a couple lessons in this. The first one is patience. It would be great if you woke up tomorrow and these people suddenly decided to embrace you and accept you into the community, but that’s not going to happen. I find that when person A spreads rumors about person B, those who heard the rumors will stay away from B so as to keep A from turning on them as well. Even when they think B is being mistreated, they won’t reach out to B because they don’t want to be involved, don’t want any anger to be directed at them by A. But over time people change their perspectives.

So be patient. Build a life for yourself without these people. Do things you love doing….gardening, seeing movies, walking your dog? Smile and always be friendly. Practice mindfulness and meditation. Enjoy your new home. Give it time and see what happens.

The second lesson is this: Everyone has conflicts with others so when it happens either try to resolve it or move on, but don’t talk about it with others. These people have turned a community against you by talking about their conflicts. Had they stayed quiet, kept the details between you and them, your reputation wouldn’t be ruined. Unfortunately, I find that most people haven’t yet learned this important lesson, or they’re too weak to practice it.

B

Dear Michelle,

Of course you feel the way you do. Anger is one of the stages of grief associated with 1) an affair and 2) a suicide.

How can I get out of this hateful place I am in ? By accepting that it’s one of the stages and that it will pass.

An affair changes a marriage. It’s normal to be very angry. Tension and fighting after an affair are normal.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

((((Michelle))))

B

Pikeman – I was hoping Inky would chime in on this thread with her colorful wisdom! Now if you need any advice on selecting the right designer shirt, just let us know. 🙂 -B

Last thing….

If a friend came to you and said,

“I was seeing a really great girl. We had a fantastic connection. She was very easy to be around, treated me well and I really liked her…still do. But I ended things with her because of issues in her past, and I regret it. She was very open and honest with me about those issues, and in hindsight I believe that in overcoming her problems she has demonstrated strength and depth of character. She was addicted to drugs, diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a victim of physical abuse, has a poor relationship with some family members and, to be honest, I don’t find her body all that desirable/attractive. But still, I feel I broke it off because I focus too much on others’ flaws and it’s sabotaging my love life.”

…what would you tell your friend?

Okay, I understand, all the more reason why she may want to find someone else, a man who finds her desirable just the way she is because, face it, as she ages those physical characteristics will likely not vanish into midair one day.

And yes, you’re right, perhaps the letter isn’t a good idea after all and wouldn’t be respecting her decision.

So a good therapist can help you overcome hang ups you may have, and maybe you do have some, but even if you were totally hang-up free, this woman may not be the right one for you. It’s asking a lot of a therapist to help you to desire a physical characteristic that you find undesirable in a woman whose got some serious issues that would concern anyone, not just you, and whom you’ve known for mere months. In other words, if you were married for years and suddenly had problems in the bedroom with your wife and mother of your kids, maybe a therapist can help with that, but at this stage in a relationship most couples can’t keep their hands off each other, and compound that with your other valid concerns, I just don’t know.

What I’m getting at is I don’t see you as being shallow for having high standards when searching for a wife and the future mother of your kids. Have high standards!

B

Hi Jim,

I’ve been thinking about your situation.

She understands why you ended it. Your “I have a hard time keeping up with the constant communication all day long and enjoy some independent time, as sometimes that type of treatment can feel overwhelming to me” translated to her as “a relationship with a former bi-polar addict who’s a victim of domestic abuse and has poor relationships with family members isn’t exactly what I’m looking for.” So the risk she took by telling you her history failed. She’s hurt, feels judged, and this isn’t the first time this has happened to her. So she wants to move on, wants to find someone who is more accepting of her.

At age 33, you’re ready to settle down and start a family. You’re done wasting time with women you don’t see as wife material — that’s why you ended things with her. But you’re lonely. You miss the connection you had with her, how she made you feel, so you’ve decided you’ve made a big mistake and want her to forgive you for hurting and judging her, give you a second chance. You want to resume the relationship.

Do you now see her as potential wife material?

B

Hi Jim,

When you say she had domestic abuse issues in her last relationship due to cheating, who was the abuser and who was the cheater?

Everyone has skeletons. Some have addiction issues, some mental health issues, some infidelity issues, some abuse issues, some family of origin issues, etc. I consider myself a nonjudgmental person who believes in second chances but the person you are describing has all of the issues I listed. A deal-breaker for me would be if 1) the person had ever been emotionally or physically abusive to another person or 2) the person cheated.

But that’s just me.

So you have to examine what it is you’re talking yourself into here. Don’t overlook big red flags because you’re frustrated that your life isn’t where your think it should be at age 33. If you do, you run the risk of finding yourself in a situation of meeting the woman of your dreams say 5 years from now when you are married to someone you settled for, with one kid in diapers and another on the way.

B

Thanks, anita.

Hi Anonymous,

Understand his side of things, then write him a letter acknowledging and apologizing for each way you’ve hurt him. Explain to him that you were wrong and that you’ve learned and changed.

Then learn and change. Stop contacting him. Be strong.

B