A decent date is with someone you mesh with. A potential wife is someone who hits it out of the ballpark.

Hi again,

I’m not trying to make you feel bad but I’ll be honest in saying that I can see why she took jabs at your reason for wanting to end things. It was a less messy way out for you and it put the blame on her, made her feel like she messed up, that she was overcommunicating via text with you and it turned you off. So, the natural response from her would be to fix it, stop communicating as much, after all, it really is a minor transgression, isn’t it? But you were having none of that. Your mind was made up. So the logical conclusion would be the one she made, the more accurate one about why the break up was happening.

So yes, she was hurt, but also pissed off. What you are seeing now is the pissed off part.

If your mind is set on getting her back then you need to be honest with her. Write her a letter and explain the real reason why you ended things. Look, she already knows! Tell her that your inexperience and ignorance about her issues scared you, that they still scare you but that you want to learn more, and that you miss her. Seriously, what’s wrong with that? Those issues would scare me too because they’re scary.

But now you say “the physical part of our relationship wasn’t completely there for me but its something i can work on”. Wait, what?? I don’t think so. It’s either there or it’s not, in my opinion.

B

Hi Pikeman,

I agree with the solid advice here and will only add that it’s interesting that this is occurring after seven years of marriage. Sounds like the “7 year itch” to me. They say it’s common for marriages to lose some happiness after seven years, that romantic feelings are reduced/tensions increased, both of which can lead to infidelity. We get overwhelmed with juggling our relationships with childrearing/work, the mortgage/rent payments, feeling stressed out and unappreciated, it’s easy to lose sight of the big picture and why we wanted to marry in the first place. Regular date nights help but since she’s not interested do all you can to remind yourself (and her) of all you are aside from husband/dad/employee/provider/etc. Get your swagger back, take care of yourself, dress nicely, exercise when you can, show off your sex appeal. This just may remind her that other women find you attractive and could snap her out of this 7-year-thing real quick. 🙂

B

Hi Jim,

She was fully wanting to move ahead with the relationship when we were still together, so basically the fact that i changed the terms and left cannot be forgotten?

It’s possible that you aren’t the first person who distanced himself from her once she spoke her truth. You don’t explain the reason you gave her for breaking up but I’m guessing she accurately interpreted what was happening. For most on the receiving end of that, it may be more complicated than simply forgiving and forgetting. But as anita said, no wonder you did what you did. Your actions make perfect sense in light of what occurred in your earlier relationship.

I like the last paragraph of anita’s first reply to you. Try to be patient. Don’t allow your impatience to sell you on an idea that your gut told you wasn’t right. I know it isn’t easy when everyone else seems to be settling down and starting their families, but you have plenty of time.

B

Dollars to donuts, this needs to be added to the Best of Inky file. Anita, are you maintaining that file? Lol.

Anonymous, with anita and Inky, you are in very good hands.

B

Hi Neil,

I’m back. Busy week but things are winding down. 🙂

I see some similarities in our 5 year old selves, for sure.

Let me tell you a little about my mom. She’s a good person but let’s just say motherhood wasn’t her strong suit. She worked hard in her job, did the grocery shopping, got us kids where we needed to go, made dinner after work each night, never hit us or was physically abusive in any way, but I can’t recall having one meaningful conversation with her my entire childhood. She was a mother on auto-pilot. No doubt there are far worse moms out there but at one point I gave up, stopped trying to connect with her, felt anger instead (and showed it), and it happened somewhere between ages 9 and 11. My dad was different. He was busy too but he’d make time. He was/is optimistic, glass-half-full. We’d have important conversations and he’d always look me straight in the eye, but it didn’t happen enough as he was working a lot too. Anyway, I think my 5 year old self craved and needed a closer relationship with my mom, but life isn’t perfect.

I believe that the longing for attention from my mom made me an overachiever and more sensitive and anxious than I otherwise would have been. That’s my unprofessional opinion.

I felt safe and comfortable in my home but I did notice that other homes operated differently. I had a couple friends who were constantly doted on by their moms, would run crying to mom for every little thing (minor skinned knee, spider in bedroom, etc.) and I can remember thinking “what’s up with that??” Then there were some other friends who had aggressive, angry parents or siblings and I didn’t like being in those homes, wanted to leave, and was always relieved to walk back through my doors, back home where things were normal to me, but far from perfect.

I never had a sincere, true connection with my mom until we were much older when I finally understood what was going on with her, and when the pretending became harder for her. My mom’s childhood was as bad as they get; it’s a wonder she was/is able to function at all. I feel nothing but love and compassion now, well and also sadness for what could have been. But back in those days that generation of parents didn’t admit weakness. They pretended everything was okay and kept themselves protected in suits of armor like yours.

But I was affected. It changed me.

There are times when I find myself on auto-pilot, not present or engaged, so I check in with myself, become aware of what’s going on with me. It’s so easy to fall into the trap of becoming what you experienced growing up, and when it happens you can’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.

You felt “the need to be accepted…that I had to try all the time to be seen and that just me alone was not ever enough.” Those were my feelings too.

Anything you’d like to share about your mom?

So you believe your 5 year old self would be disappointed in you and I disagree. It’s my experience that kids that age don’t think that way. For them, hard feelings last about 30 seconds. Resentment, judgement, bitterness, overanalyzing haven’t set in yet. Five year olds just want everyone to smile and be happy. I think your 5 yr old self would be so happy and proud that you showed up to parent night. You ask what my 5 year old self would think of me? Same thing — happy I showed up, and proud to show me her classroom and schoolwork and introduce me to her friends, regardless of mistakes I’ve made that she knows about.

There’s no such thing as a perfect childhood. I missed out on things I really needed but I also was spared awful things that other kids got. Ironically, I believe I’m a far better person than I might have been had I had a perfect childhood. My struggles have taught me things I’d never have known without them, lead me to places I wouldn’t have gone otherwise.

There were many years when I was very disappointed in my mom and boy did I show her, and she blamed herself, which of course made things worse for both of us. She knew she was different than those doting moms. She knew something was wrong but she was deeply wounded, and the way she coped was to make sure we had those things all kids need — food, clothing, shelter — and then dove deeper into her career where she felt less of a failure. That was her way of escaping her pain.

B

Hi Neil,

No worries about the delay, and I feel I need one myself now in order to fully process your words; they’ve given me a lot to think about regarding my own 5 year old self. Thank you.

Neil, have your daughters communicated to you (in actual words) that they are disappointed with you? Have your parents, siblings, ex-wife, girlfriends, co-workers, boss, or anyone else?

I’ll be back on Friday. I hope you have a good week!

B

Hi Neil,

Your many gifts: talented writer, excellent communicator, marathon runner, intelligent, compassionate, grateful, practical, logical, sensible, plus all those gifts I don’t even know about.

And I’m guessing you are also a pretty nice guy.

You say that before you took your turning you were so happy, loved life, had passion, ambition and valued the important things. And then came the choice and everything changed.

Neil, think back, could it be that in addition to the passion, ambition and love for life, something was off, even back then? I mean, obviously, in comparison to how you feel today your life was better, but could it be that the reason you made the choice at all was because you saw it as a way out from your pain?

People do all kinds of things to escape their pain. And at the time of your choice, you had no idea of what was to come.

When we know better, we do better.

If you find yourself crawling under those massive regrets that have been crushing you and all of your wonderful gifts, and if you would like to post about those feelings, I will listen. I consider you my friend.

How are your daughters?

B