You said a lot of good things. Wait, so you wrote all of that in a single text message to her today? The lengths of my text messages range from a single emoji to 20 words tops.

So you texted her yesterday, and again today. Your anxiety seems to grow and grow with each passing hour since the last time you texted her until you give in and text her again. Then the cycle starts all over again. Do you think you can overcome this compulsion? What would make me stop texting her cold turkey is knowing that my messages may actually be annoying her. Don’t go from “independent guy” to “needy/clingy guy” to now “annoying guy” (that was a joke.) Seriously, though, I have my doubts that you’ll be able to stop texting her. Can you convince me right here on this thread that you will stop? You’re really going to have to work hard to convince me because right now I am not convinced.

B

Yeah, I don’t know what that’s about, that is, going from independent married guy to needy, clingy boyfriend. So with this other girl that you broke up with last week, were you back to being independent guy?

Did you and your ex wife, with two young kids and all, try to fix your marriage before calling it quits? I understand that you weren’t exactly “destroyed” when the marriage ended, but was she?

Lastly, did you not see that humongous middle paragraph I wrote above about talking with a therapist??  Just wondering…lol.

B

You’ve poured your heart out to her and have been totally honest with her. You’ve done all you can do. You’ve been worried that if you aren’t honest with her about your feelings then you’ll lose an opportunity with her. Well, you don’t have to worry about that anymore. You put everything out there, admitted your feelings, failures, issues, etc. That’s not an easy thing to do, so you should be proud of yourself.

I think she doesn’t want to hurt you. It’s come across in her text messages. But her kindness has created hope in you that shouldn’t be there. She has now spelled it out for you: that she’s in love with her current bf and he makes her happy. It’s painful, I know, but you need to accept this. She’s not confused, scared, etc., as you would like to believe. It’s that kind of thinking that is preventing you from moving on.

So you have told her now that, after you two exchange text messages when she responds to your letter, you won’t contact her anymore. Do you intend to follow through with this? Can you? You have to. I mean, that’s what you told her you would do.

Rejection is awful. Don’t blame yourself. People make mistakes. You already said that if you were to get back together with her, you’d be a wreck, anticipating when she’d bolt again. That’s not the way it’s supposed to be. Who wants to live like that?? It’s supposed to be easier. She’s not the one you’re supposed to be with.

I was reading what you wrote in an earlier post about being the one single guy on this camping trip with six other families. You said something about how it sucks watching the other guys with their wives and kids, and that you’re the “loner”. I’ve been on those family camping trips too and one thing I’ve learned is that many marriages are not as happy as they look on the outside. I would bet that some of those guys are looking at you and thinking “wow, he’s lucky, I wish I could be single again like he is”.  And I know several single women who are looking for a guy like you. I can think of five…wait…no…six right now. Just get yourself out there and they will come to you.

But you have to smile to attract them! 🙂

Focus on your kids. They will be grown and gone before you know it. (I know, I sound like your grandmother now. Sorry.) Those are your two most important relationships. You mean everything to them. When you feel sad and lonely, go talk with your kids. Listen to them. Be there for them. If you give them your full attention, really hear what they are saying, you’ll created an essential bond with them.  Now is the time (before their teen years) to establish that strong bond. Show them that they are your number one priority.

Try to stay present. Breathe. You’re going to be okay.

B

Hi John,

She has given you mixed messages, so I understand why you’re confused. I can also understand how going through life with an illusion of hope that she wants to be with you might seem easier than facing what really may be happening. But I’d take the truth over an illusion any day of the week. Truth is better. I’m no expert, but if she is no longer interested in you romantically,  I think that in order for you to move on and heal from this, you need to face the truth.

When you do find a good time to ask her, best of luck! I hope it works out. If she says no, hang in there; you’ll be okay. You’re stronger than you think.

B

oops, just now realized that you did say it was semi-long distance in your first post. Sorry, I forgot about that.

“I hate games like this. I wish I could just tell her in person ‘ hi,  I know we had a rough ending and have both gone our separate ways. But, I can’t help how I feel about you and wanted to ask u if you would consider giving us one more try. If not then I will not ever ask this again. But if you have any feeling in your heart. Isn’t it worth a try?’ “

This scenario won’t happen because she has already told you that she won’t meet with you. You asked her, and she won’t do it.

“if you were a person that was truly in love with someone( I felt it in my bones with her the way she acted with me), but had a bad break up. And then came around later. How would you take that?”  

If I really missed him and wanted to see him, I’d be thrilled to hear from him and I’d say to him “I’m so happy you contacted me! I’ve missed you!”, and I would meet with him. She has done none of these things. She doesn’t want to meet with you and has stopped texting you.

“Or is there something more or less I should say?”

I don’t believe that there is anything more or less that you can say to make a person miss you and want to be with you. She either does or she doesn’t.

If you just absolutely need her to spell out for you what she wants before you can resume your life, then I’m with anita: “Ask her then, clearly, directly, with no dramatics, no excess words, no going on about how you feel. Be pragmatic, to the point. Let her know that you will not argue with her answer, that you will not plead your case, that you will accept her answer graciously and make the call short.”

There is one thing you wrote in your last post that I don’t understand: We made a lot of memories together in the year we were together considering the distance between us. What does “considering the distance between us” mean?

B

John – How are you doing? -B

Hi John,

I read what you shared about last September’s Vegas wedding (you were not included on this trip) and also about your ex’s recent family weekend back to Vegas. So your relationship with her was very strong before the Vegas wedding, and she then started to show signs of pulling away from you during/after that trip. Similarly, she was initiating text messages with you before her recent weekend in Vegas, and then during/after that trip completely stopped doing that. So you see a possible pattern here and you are trying to figure out what could be happening in Vegas to motivate her to change course with you both times? As you say, it could just be a coincidence. Is it possible that she met her new BF while at the Vegas wedding? I guess it would be difficult for you to determine that for sure. I know in a previous post you said that she may have even spent time with her new BF (they are in a long distance relationship) during her recent weekend Vegas. But again, you aren’t privy to this information so you won’t be able to determine if he is what is motivating her actions. But I’m thinking that if he was present during both these Vegas trips, then there is a possibility that he is motivating her actions.

But there are other possibilities too. It’s obvious that her 19 year old son isn’t particularly fond of you. He flipped out when he found out you were planning to attend the wedding with them and then used that opportunity to tell his mom that he had enlisted in the Marines and wants the wedding trip to be a family trip without you. My oldest child is also a 19 year old son, and if he told me today that he’d enlisted and will soon be leaving for boot camp, my entire focus is now on him, so that explains to me why you’re suddenly not part of the wedding trip. So she goes on this family Vegas trip with her two boys, one who is soon leaving her, and btw he doesn’t like you. There is a possibility that on this trip she decided that she doesn’t want any tension within her family, especially now that her son is leaving for the military, so she decides to choose him over you. As for this recent Vegas trip, you indicated somewhere in this thread that this same son is back from the Marines for a few weeks. Was he with her on this recent Vegas family weekend? If so, there you go….that could be why she pulled away again. I would not blame her for this btw. I could see myself doing the same thing. The bond between mother and son is a strong one.

Another possibility is her brother. Have you met him? If so, how does he feel about you? Both times that she decided to pull away from you, she’s been with him. Could it be that she is getting advice from him about the relationship with you?

Just some thoughts to explore. Consider each with a grain of salt as I’m just throwing possibilities out there. What motivated her to pull away from you could be combination of all these scenarios or none of them. In my opinion, none of it really matters, does it? I mean, you couldn’t have controlled any of it. As they say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (sorry, bad joke). A better way to put it would be that your ability to sort out what really happened is limited because your ex hasn’t been forthcoming with the information.

You say that you failed her. Well, there is a lot about this situation that was way out of your control.

B