I was just kidding about the lobotomy! Ok sounds good. -B

Hi John,

Did you read what nextsteps wrote to you a few days ago? It was good, thoughtful advice and you didn’t even acknowledge it. Others have given you advice too that I’m not sure you’ve acknowledged yet. And what about what anita wrote? Have you thought about what she said about your not wanting to look at what is really happening? If I were you I’d re-read that and all her questions from much earlier on this thread and then respond to them.

So what’s really happening? What’s the story with your older child, the one who’s expecting this fall? And why hadn’t you seen your sister in four years? I’m way out of my comfort zone now but I’ll continue what anita started much earlier on this thread: what’s your relationship like with your parents, siblings, children (all of them, not just the younger ones), coworkers, etc.? Seems like you have a lot of pain that has nothing at all to do with your ex, and there are a lot of well intentioned members on this forum who can help you if you let them.

B

Hi John,

I read through anita’s recent post and agree with her but would phrase it a little differently:

You met the woman of your dreams, but it’s unclear as to whether or not it was ever a solid, exclusive, romantic relationship. You fell in love with her and believed that she loved you too, but she never actually said those words to you. Regardless, being around her made you feel better about yourself. You suddenly had drive, motivation, and self-respect. This woman is not the typical type of woman you date, perhaps “out of your league”, as they say. More beautiful? Smarter? More independent? More successful?…whatever it is,  she elevated your status; you saw yourself differently, felt like a better man.  No woman before or since has ever made you feel that way about yourself, and when she moved on, you were back to seeing yourself the way you did before, which is now unbearable for you.

So I’m trying to figure out why a guy with so many great qualities feels so badly about himself.

Hope you are hanging in there.

On a lighter note, how was camping?

B

As I read this latest post from you I’m thinking “Uh-oh, he’s gonna pick up his phone and text her.” Don’t do it! You’re going to have these painful moments. You just have to get through them to get to the other side. That’s your goal — getting to the other side. What’s the other side? The place where your ex is just another person from your past who doesn’t affect you anymore. You’ll get there but you have to stop contacting her so that it can happen.

In your post before this last one you wrote this: The fact is she is “in love” with someone else.  Or she says she is. What do you mean “or she says she is”? I don’t get this. When someone tells me how she feels, I accept it at face value. But it seems to me that you think you may know what she is feeling better than she does. It’s like you tell yourself that even though she’s telling you that she loves someone else, she really loves you. And I believe you do this because the alternative is too painful for you, so you choose to believe in the fantasy. This kind of thinking only prolongs your suffering.

Here is something in yesterday’s text message to her that I would NOT have written:  If you ever do decide you do want to go down this road again I will be here. What the?!?! No, no, no, no. no.  The way I see it, if a guy doesn’t want to be with me, hasta la vista, baby! I’m outta there! He lost his chance! I’m no consolation prize; I’m the freaking blue ribbon! You need to start thinking of yourself as the freaking blue ribbon.

You say Hopefully someday i will be better.  You could be better today! It’s your way of thinking that’s prolonging your suffering. (Ok, stop. Now go back and read the above 3 sentences five more times before you continue.)

Ok, calling all you Tiny Buddha members who have gone through tough breakups but have made it to the other side: please share your story with John so he can see that he’ll get there too. Everyone gets rejected at some point…well, maybe not Brad Pitt and George Clooney, but everyone else. We’ve all had to get through it. You will too. (As long as you stop contacting her.)

John, I know I can write a post like this because I know you are a really good sport. 🙂

B

We’ve talked about your tendency to obsess over things, but honestly, anyone would want to get to the bottom of what happened in Vegas. One thing I’ve learned on this thread is that you take responsibility for things you’ve done that have hurt your relationships. That’s an admirable quality, one a lot of people don’t have, but you do. You acknowledge your mistakes, try to learn from them, and then try not to repeat them. But within this whole Vegas thing you didn’t make a mistake, so obsessing over why it happened serves you no obvious purpose. The less obvious lesson but perhaps the more important one to take away is that you can’t control what happens. The truth is we all want control.  I want to control that “mean girls” at school don’t hurt my daughter’s feelings; I want to control that my younger son’s friends won’t show him porn on their iPhones; I want to control that there are no drunk drivers on the roads when my husband or older son are out driving. But I can’t control any of those things. In order to have peace in my life I need to accept that I can’t control most things just like you couldn’t control what happened in Vegas to make her suddenly become distant with you.

As far as why she didn’t pull you aside to communicate her feelings to you before breaking up, I think that people only communicate like that when they want to fix their relationships. It seems to me that her decision was already made: she didn’t want to fix it.

Earlier on this thread, like some other members here, I felt that you were only hearing what you wanted to hear, that you had a tendency to misrepresent reality, but I now believe that you are really listening and that you are an honest guy — those are two additional admirable qualities of yours btw. A fourth is that you take criticism well. You don’t get defensive; you keep coming back for more. I hope that this lingering hope you’ve had that your ex-gf will get back together with you will finally be put to rest so you can enjoy life again. It will take time, but seriously, imagine how awesome that would be.

B

Why tell me that things with him weren’t serious and it’s not a real relationship, if she really felt that way about him? Maybe because she didn’t want to hurt you more than she already had. Didn’t want to admit the truth the you.

Before you can find a quality person to be with, you need to come to grips with certain aspects of your personality that may be sabotaging your efforts. I’m no expert, but talking this out with someone who IS an expert may really help you and save you some future heartache and wasted time. I think you said you’ve tried therapy, to no avail, but if I were you I’d try a different therapist. I’m not suggesting you have huge issues, not at all. If fact, I think you’re quite normal! But a normal person can still have personality traits that wreak havoc in his life. We all have things we need to work on to make our lives better. I do, for sure. And we all have setbacks that are hard. A good therapist should be able to give you tools to use when you feel lost, steps you can take to get back on track, but not the track you’ve been on, a new track with new information, insights, and understanding about yourself. I mean, imagine what not obsessing over things would be like, or not feeling like there is something deeply wrong with you, or not worrying so much. You’ve got a lot of good things in your life: two healthy kids, a job, good friends, fun hobbies, an ex-wife who is your best friend, another girl who wants to be with you, etc. Things could be worse. Life doesn’t have to be so serious and heavy.

Okay, lecture over. 🙂 So, yes, there are a lot of single ladies around who are looking! I have friends who are coming out of unhappy marriages, some have never been married, and one whose husband passed away. They are out there! They say the same thing to me “Where am I ever going to find a good guy? Everyone is married, already taken.” Not true. Y’all just have to get yourselves out there, meet people.

What happened in your marriage? Why did you divorce?

B

It sounds like a good letter! Don’t second-guess yourself. You’ve thought about this for a long time. It’s like you said earlier about getting yourself out of purgatory, right?

She may not answer you right away so be prepared for that. Be patient. Keep breathing. If it were me, I’d get some things on my schedule for the next several days to help get my mind off this.

B

“Let me think about it, K?” Hmmm, I wouldn’t have predicted that reply. She may be proving my theory wrong — I hope so! Thanks for the update. -B