Great that you are getting clarity joanna.

There is the conscious, intellectual understanding and there is the 90% (a number I made up) that is our unconscious part.

This is what triggers our behavior and emotions, our sub/unconsciousness.  This is what was programmed into us when we were young.  Hence your upbringing causes us to be drawn into situations and people and react despite what we intellectually “know better.”

It’s a continuous practice of mindfulness, of noticing ourselves, of self-awareness and making conscious choices in thinking and behavior.

Hopefully each time we learn more and reprogram those neural pathways just a little more toward a healthier way of reacting/thinking/behaving.

Mark

joanna,  Of course you want to be with a man that makes you feel safe.  I think that is a Universal need.  And you know that this man is not the right person to do that.  And yes, we do need to love and care for ourselves as well.

I believe we still need a community, a friend or some sort of support and caring outside ourselves in order to thrive.  Ideally we also would have a committed romantic partner who can do that as well.  I don’t think it is healthy to have just one person we can feel safe with.

I wish you well in your journey in finding safe people and co-creating healthy relationships.

Mark

Heretofloat,

What came to mind as I was re-reading your posts was that even though I admire your stubborn focus on being positive, I think it may be OK to let go and don’t feel that you have to be so strong and positive.  It is scary and debilitating to sink into that depression and lack of purpose but it may be what you need in a strange way.  To be OK with what is with you at the moment.

My sense is that you are strong enough not to crash and burn and to have an awareness to take care of yourself while you are feeling that.

Take what I said with a big grain of salt but just wanted to share another approach.

Mark

limbolady,

You have wrote he is:

1. Has a violent temper , physically (with furniture for now) and verbally (with his father)

2. Speaks poorly, cruelly of others (of his ex)

3. Others think of him as an agressive jerk

4. His and his friends relationship with alcohol is more liberal than what you are comfortable with

5. How often and what kind of sex is not in sync

Ultimately you want to end this relationship but what is keeping you from doing that is your fear of not finding someone as good.

You are in your mid-30s and this is your first “real” relationship.   I would say that this is a good one to practice with.  You got to know a good guy who is not right for you.  This is good growth and awareness.

You can love someone without being lovers.  He sounds like a best friend rather than a long term romantic relationship.

My guidance is to ask myself, am I acting from fear or from love (especially love for myself)?  That makes it simple for me to make life decisions.

Mark

Yikes thanks for that Heretofloat.  blush.  I forgot I got that photo displaying for my posts.

I know that laughter helps us not only psychologically but biochemically as well.  I think you cannot go wrong with watching comedies.

It sounds like you got a strong, positive attitude Heretofloat even though you are currently feeling lost.  You can hold on that this too will pass.

Yes sleep is key to help the body-mind to heal.

Sending a giggle.

Mark

Heretofloat.  I hear you about sulking.  I think as you heal that will go away.  I understand about the self-esteem and confidence thing as well.  I also use exercise as my go-to thing to forget/let go/heal/feel better about myself/distract.  I feel that I am in the best shape of my life after my divorce.  I don’t have a romantic partner but know that I am fit to be attractive.  Eating healthy not only helps you physically but also mentally.  It’s the mind-body-spirit connection thingy.

I can also relate about waking up in the morning depression thing as well as missing my chirpy side.

I view laughing out loud as my psychological and spiritual barometer.  If I noticed that I had not laugh lately then I start focusing on how I can laugh and find joy.

Let me know how you progress.

Mark

Heretofloat,

I hope you are no longer at rock bottom.  If you are then recognize that you are still alive, that you are still carrying on, living life and talking with us.

I can relate about being hit by losses.  It does take time to grieve and heal.

If you can let go dwelling on the past and beating yourself about it then moving on will be quicker.

Focus on what nurtures you for today.

Mark