Forum Replies Created
You are right by not going down a road where there is no winning. Why do you want to develop a relationship with someone who is married? He is out of integrity. There is more to a good relationship beyond having “feelings” for each other.
You are right in taking care of yourself by not having more contact with him. You are adhering to your own values. Move on.
MarkJanuary 23, 2018 at 9:59 pm in reply to: therapy, scared to go back but I know that I have to #188451
No I never really faced such a dilemma.
I do know that I usually go into something that I know is good for but reluctant to do so when the pain gets to be too much (hit bottom).
I also know that that is not the best way of healing myself. It is better to stick with therapy rather than do it in spurts and stops.
MarkJanuary 23, 2018 at 9:56 pm in reply to: How do i stop concerning myself with other people's thoughts? #188449
I like the Buddhist model where there is the Dharma, the Buddha and the Sangha. (After all isn’t this website is about Buddhism?).
This means in your situation you need a plan, i.e. the Dharma.
You need a mentor, i.e. the Buddha.
You need a support system, the Sangha.
I am sure you know that having instant success is rare being an entrepreneur.
Start having that structure in place, your question will be moot as you go forward especially when you are among others who are getting started or struggline.
What does your inner truth tell you Brenin?
Can you put yourself in that place where if you can walk away without any negative consequences (with your kids or with her or financially) then would you do so?
Trust your inner wisdom. Do not put that in other people’s hands like your wife or therapist.
Another way of looking at your situation is to imagine that what you posted was from a good friend of yours. What would you tell him?
If we start with that then getting feedback, opinions, advice would be more valuable (in my opinion) once we know where you stand.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Mark.
It seems the way you talk about him is that you are still hanging on to be his girlfriend. Does being “friends” mean all the emotional and physical intimacy without the sex?
I see his fear of commitment, i.e. true intimacy is something that cannot change overnight or just saying that he will change by himself. Such issues usually are deep seated ones that take years of therapy and work on themselves.
I suggest in order to enhance your world of intimacy is to develop emotional friendships with others, men and women.
Thanks for elaborating on your marriage to explain more about yourself linevty0.
Comparison is deadly. It is built into our evolutionary biology. Mindfulness is a great way of catching ourselves to notice about what works for us and what doesn’t. You might want to check out Byron Katie’s The Work. See below and/or look it up on the web or get her book.
Plus do you want to waste your time and your energies and attention on her ex’s and your deficiencies?
- Is it true? (Yes or no. If no, move to 3.)
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (Yes or no.)
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without the thought?
AnaO, Welcome. I am always impressed by those who are committed to their healing and self awareness.
I would think sexual abuse/pedophilia/incest would leave a deep scar on those who have been abused. Good for you for working through that.
You are welcome carolinaavu9. Let us know what happens.
Did you know why your former spouse cheated? What was the reason? What was lacking for her in order to do that? If you don’t know then find out. That would be useful information to help you get past this wound. What was your part in the dissolution of the marriage? Taking responsibility would also be useful for you in order to move forward.
It is good that you are communicating with your wife but it is not a good idea dwell on whether or not you are a attractive (good) enough husband. Put your energies toward loving your wife and make sure if that is the kind of loving she wants. Look up the Five Languages of Love in helping to determine that. Get to know why your wife values about you and do more of that.
Some suggested ways of how you keep your marriage alive and thriving. See the link:http://www.womansday.com/relationships/dating-marriage/g3214/25-things-every-marriage-needs/
Please ignore my post. It was put under the wrong person’s posting. I cannot delete it. I can only flag it. It now shows it as “Inappropriate Content.”
- This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Mark.
I don’t believe in fighting to keep a relationship. I believe in mutual commitment in working together and on ourselves.
He made where he is at clear. It is up to you on whether or not you are willing to tolerate such a non-relationship on his terms.
I believe you two still can love each other without being boyfriend-girlfriend.
I think most of us get caught up that romantic love is the be all and end all of what love is.
You don’t have that as an option with him.
You got some great growth out of the relationship by understanding your worth and standing up for yourself. Terrific!
You written how he is immature, controlling, unloyal, and doesn’t treat you well. This says to me that he has not changed.
You talked about being scared in starting over if you leave someone that you should leave (your words).
You do need to love yourself first and not live from a place of fear of starting over.
I believe we still can love another but we don’t have to be with them.
You asked for guidance but you have already received that from everyone who has told you that he is not good for you.
It sounds like you are committed in staying with him. “And the love I feel for him so much stronger than any pro of leaving him.”
So I wish you well in your journey of growth. I hope that helps you in becoming more self-loving and self aware.
I find it hard whenever I hear/read a girl’s story of how bad the relationship is but cannot leave it because she loves him. I feel pain for her because that means to me she does not love herself enough.
If you truly want any guidance then start with the Loving Kindness (Metta) Meditation. Susan Salzberg originated it but you can find versions of it on YouTube. This will help you with compassion for yourself (as well for others).
You stated in the present tense that he is controlling, unloyal (does that mean he is dishonest and sleeps around?), immature, and treats you poorly. Is this someone who can love well? Is this someone you can partner with? As you said, the Cons outweigh the Pros.
I would really recommend examining why you don’t value yourself enough with your willingness to stay with him. I recommend seeing a therapist to help you gain a better insight on yourself on why you want to stay with such a person. Having the reason on not leaving because you are scared of starting over is not a good reason. I don’t think how you think what “love” is is sufficient. That is not love but co-dependence and attachment.
Focus on making your life better with school and other healthier relationships (not just boyfriends but friends).
I recommend living in the question.
Live from your heart, your joy, your fun and do that. Let go of the “Big Questions” and it will unfold.
Journal, journal, journal.
From doing that, those thoughts that keep you up will be put on paper.
Physical exercise is good too. Everything from running, to yoga, to walking your dog is all good. It does not matter what it is, just that you need to do it regularly.
Meditate. Enough said on that.
Insofar the ADHD, I discovered late in life that I had that. It answered a lot on why I could not be successful in the type of work I struggled with (technology project manager). I had a couple of sessions of Body Talk (you can Google that) and it cured me of it even though my doctor told me there was no cure. I did try the allopathic medicine route by taking Adderall but the side effects stopped me.
Be gentle with yourself. You just started getting help. Sometimes things seem to get worse before it gets better. It sounds like things are bubbling up which is really affecting you. That can be a good thing. Give it time.
Let us know how things go.
I discovered Body Talk (you can Google it) as an excellent energy healing modality that took away my anxiety.
I highly recommend it. A lot of practitioners do distance work, i.e. not needing to facilitate the healing in person but over the phone/Skype/etc.